Saturday, October 07, 2006
The Two Men Named Sam...The Continuation
This part of me haven't rest peacefully, and that's why it keep resurfacing.Tatau lah kenapa.I am writing about him now and I hope, the thoughts of him shall ends here. Because it has been going on for too long.
After 8 years of good friendship and relationship, Shamsul decided that I am not the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And he did that in the space of 15 minutes, rendered his ending credit speech in his car, after first time meeting me after 12 months of separation. He obviously have forgotten what happened in Heathrow Airport 12 months earlier where he cried like a baby and tell me he couldn’t live without me. How romantic that was. He almost certainly doesn’t remember that he asked me to marry him at the departure gate.
I remember vividly what he said to me in that car after delivering his own wedding invitation. After crushing my heart like baby’s paracetamol, he calmly said that ‘you’re invited; it’s in a month time’.
In my heart, I’m not sure if he pretend like I never exist in his life because there’s no indication whatsoever that he remembers my presence 8 years ago. I am like this friend he invited to his wedding. I keep looking at the invitation.Tak tahu nak cakap apa lagi.I did what I did when I first met him, diam and senyum. But this time, I smile and I did not say a word because I’m too shattered.
Shamsul’s choices of words keep piercing my heart again and again. ‘Oh, Han, I hope you’re not upset. I know we have a little thing going on back then but, I never promise you anything’. I look at him and smile again. I’m certain that my smile is unsweetened smile.
I asked him to send me home. I left his wedding invitation on his flashy dashboard. On purpose. I wish him goodnight and have a nice wedding. I never look back.
I called mulut tayar bas, who stayed behind in UK to continue with her Master. I was crying and crying and did not say a word. But mulut tayar bas figured out everything. Aidda is so nice accommodating my tears even though she is deeply asleep when I rang her. After 15 minutes of crying heavily, I said to Aidda, I’ll call and tell you all about it tomorrow.
I didn’t call Aidda nor did I tell her anything. She sent me a wishing well card from London and I knew that she must have sussed it out from somewhere. I spent weeks telling myself not to be upset and Shamsul and I never was in a relationship. We are just these close friends. I turned into this idiot accepting what been told to me.
Friends of Shamsul contacted me and were telling me that he is making a biggest mistake in his life. This man, Shamsul’s closest mate, unwittingly told me everything. How the two met and how the marriage plan is suddenly on the card. I’m not sure if I care anymore. My heart was already broken.
Shamsul married his wife, another engineer whom he just met 6 months earlier. I shut myself out from his news or wedding as that is the only way to stop me from being crazy. I accepted this job in Singapore and moving on to another country might do me fat lot of good. My father was against the idea of working in Singapore but I keep telling him that money was good and I want to travel. I went anyway against his will.
I left my 3 weeks old job at the local bank and moved to Singapore, where I was given a nice flat and so many perks. Life was great in Singapore. I catch up with things that I missed out while growing up into adolescence. There’s so many male attention and we partied hard. Some would kill for this and I just got it ready on my palms. I don’t really like it but at least I have the small essence of enjoying adult life. All this while, I have been busy getting a degree and being a friend to Shamsul.
After 5 months, in Singapore and moving on from Shamsul, I suddenly got a message from the hotel receptionist in the hotel I stayed in that someone want to see me in the coffee house. A man. I was in KL for a 2 night’s stopover and was rather surprise that apart from my family, someone actually have this information of my whereabouts.
Unsuspectingly, I went on and meet the man. I asked the receptionist to tell this man to wait for me at the lobby because I’m not going to start looking for someone I don’t know in the coffee house. There was Shamsul sitting on the long sofa in the lobby. What the hell was he doing there? Where was his wife?
Things in your head and your physical movement sometimes don’t quite add up. I have all these questions keep popping out in my head but in physical, I was very pleased to see him. He was too. I was so excited seeing him I swear I could cry. And I know he would too.
We spent hours talking. He was sorry that he hurt me. Now I know that the last 8 years of going out together wasn’t something that I imagine doing. He does remember things. He remembers hurting my feelings. He told me about his wife. He never spoke ill about her but I know things wasn’t working with them. I know Shamsul too well to know what expectation he has on her. And he is not getting it.
He travels to Singapore extensively to visit me. And I am seeing him again. I wasn’t seeing anyone because I can’t forget him and now he is back. I like him more this time because he is more thoughtful and mature. Part of the reason I was with him again is because he is leaving his wife. Shamsul never lied about his situation. His wife tracked me down. Asking me to leave him alone. I told her that I was not the one looking for him. She knew that. She also knew about me and him before. She told me that she knows that Shamsul was never in love with her. It was me all along.
What she want me to do then? She wants me to consider her feelings and that they’re married. But I went on going out with my ex boyfriend Shamsul the married man for another 2 years. In that 2 years he was working on his divorce as well and his estranged wife keep giving him a hard time.
Mulut tayar bus was back in KL. She’s not happy with the situation I’m in. Not because I rampas other people husband, because I’m literally not. Aidda is not happy with Shamsul at all. But she acknowledged that I am desperately in love with him.
Because I think that this relationship is heading somewhere, I relocate back to KL so that he doesn’t have to drive or fly up and down to Singapore to see me.
I fell demam one day and visit one of the private clinic that the company I’m employed with has an account. While waiting for my turn, the door opposite me opens and I was shocked. It was Shamsul and his wife. Walking out together from the doctor’s room.
After a week, after high persuasion, I agree to meet up with him. He explained to the stupid me that why he can’t leave her and how he really should make his marriage works. Wife was falling pregnant. Marriage has to work even though there’s no love. (You’re still sleeping with her?)
I broke up with him that day. I said my peace from the day one I met him, the day that he told me he is marrying his wife and the run around gutless backboneless excuses and reasons he provides me.
And I never saw him again.