About Me

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Last One For October

Going through separation...not easy. The first 2 weeks is hard. You need to get the monster out of your system. You need to learn to get use not having that monster around. Some people I know tak duduk rumah lepas separate. Pergi clubbing sampai ngantuk balik rumah untuk tido aje. Haiyoo...nursing broken heart lah sangat kann? Tapi status hapdate nya time2 nursing broken heart tu, macam suggest dia ended up kat rumah orang lain aje.

Divorce. Tang ni...kalau sama-sama rasa dah takleh nak repair apa-apa yang boleh repair, maka jalan terbaik nya adalah nyah kau dari hidup ku, and that need to be confirmed on the paper too. Tah apasal, part ni akan menyaksikan orang bergaduh se kaw-kaw nya. Cannot agree on a simplest thing...memang patutlah bercerai berai kan? But now, lagi nak habis, lagi ni lah nak menunjuk perangai. Kononnya nak come out with the head held high..tapi nak juga orang tahu perceraian ini bukannya salah ku tapi kau lah yang berperangai cipan. Gituh. I think the only civil divorce I come across was of Raja Ema and that Misteri Nusantara guy (ye ke?) He divorced her. He apologised to her and wish her well. So was she. Amicable sungguh. Tidok la masing2 nak buat press conference mintak kesian kannn? Ni bukan kehendak saya..ni kehendak takdir. Pastu after few months bercerai, buat lagi statement, saya tetap mencari chenta. Tak ke nak rasa nak mencarut?

Either way...if this is happening to you, bertabahlah. Don't get petty. Only you know what is wrong and what was right. Kalau ada salah, mengakulah. Still that will not make us a bad person. It is just it is impossible to expect us to live with other person unreasonable behaviour---vice versa.

On a lighter (sakit perut) note, tadi I pergi jumpa mental health nurse kat spital kat Hammersmith ni..nak close case. Dia orang Zimbabwe. Nama dia Florence Chibaiwa. In the meeting, bergasak lah orang2 memanggil nya Miss Chibaiwa. But of course, kalau dah telinga kelabu tu, I only dengar and register the surname without the 'wa'.

Hik hik.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Penat Dan Menyampah

Setelah berurusan dengan orang melayu di Malaya selama 18 bulan...conclusion nya, I sekarang sudah penat dan sudah masuk tahap malas dan menyampah.

Setelah kita merdeka, menang pingat kat Olympik, pergi melawat angkasalepas, meniru segala program realiti USA dan UK, anak2 muda dan orang2 yang tak berapa muda dah pandai memilemkan diri sendiri dalam versi 3g lantas mengupload nya dalam tenet...err apa lagi, big huge office building and almost everything is on top of the range, I wonder why...orang melayu masih tak reti nak cakap terang2 bila berurusan dengan orang.

Bila kita buat inquiry...email kita tak pernah nya mereka jawab. Ni bukan email ke company Cheok Soon Kok ye, but this is email to somebody berbintikan orang melayu dalam opis besar.

I emailed few banks...yang menjawab nya adalah officer seperti Jessica Hew dan Angela Siow. Kalau nama Siti Nurhazali tak pun Nur Ramlah Ramli, haram nya dia nak jawab.

I expressed my frustrations to my friend in KL, katanya orang melayu ni suka personal touch..tak suka main email-email. You have to call them katanya..Pun begitu...bila dah di talipon, officer yang kononnya in charge, adalah sangat vague dalam menjawab soalan lantas...nak kena tanya Manager yang senantiasa tak ada di ofis.

Tak apalah.

The thing is...susah ke nak bagi jawapan yang konkrit? Susah ke nak commit? Or..susah ke nak berkata benar?

Bagi yang kononnya berkerja itu suatu ibadah...ibadah apakah bila membuat orang menunggu bak menunggu buah kelapa muda gugur? Ibadah apakah berjanji...berjanji...dan berjanji tapi tujuan sebenarnya ialah nak lari dari menghadap dan menjawab pertanyaan kita?

I dah dekat 13 tahun kerja dengan UK gomen...dan dengan orang2 putihs. Walaupun mereka ni tak semuanya putihs tapi beginilah contoh etika kerja mereka...

1. Kalau saya ada query tentang bill saya, macam ada charges yang saya rasa saya tak familiar, saya akan call mereka. Mereka akan ambil details. Pastu mereka akan kata, bagi kami investigate dan dalam 48 jam, kami akan call anda balik. Tak sampai 48 jam..mereka akan call dan buat sesuatu. Mereka tak akan pass saya serata department dan tak akan bagitau saya..err, saya tak pastilah kak..boleh call besok tak cakap dgn boss.

2. Kalau boiler saya rosak..ataupun phone saya rosak...saya call dan report dan mereka akan bagi date bila mereka boleh datang. Dan mereka akan datang ---cuma bab yg tak syiok nya dia akan kata, we will come betwen 8 to 12pm...gasak lah tunggu dari pukul 8 pagi nak gi berak pun rasa tak kena. Telepon rumah mak saya kat Paroi Jaya pernah rosak...tapi mereka hanya datang setelah anak mak saya yang paling samseng telepon ugut nak saman mereka. Kalau nak datang pun, tak pernah nya ada jadual bila nak datang. Cakap nak datang...tapi taktau bila.

3. Dalam urusan business, saya akan email orang2 yang berkenaan. Good things about email is that you have everything in writing. Pasal tu saya suka ber email. Bukannya saya tak suka call, but knowing how vulnerable phone call is, where people can just deny what they said to you. Orang berkenaan akan jawab email saya...kalau tak jawab dlm hari yg sama pun, dia akan jawab juga dan mintak maaf sebab delay. Kalau mereka ada jawapan masa masa itu juga, mereka akan jawab query saya. Kalau tak ada, mereka acknowledged email saya dan kata okay, mereka akan jawab dalam beberapa hari lagi. Yes, they came back to me after few days. With answer. Yes or No. Tiada timbul soal janji manis, janji Subramaniam atapun janji Pak Haji. All in the name of professionalism.Kalau tak boleh, cakap tak boleh.


Orang melayu di Malaysia?

Mereka tak boleh nak buat...tapi tak nak mengecikkan hati or for whatever reasons...nak nampak macho all can do agaknya, ended up membuat janji yang mereka tahu akan dicapati dan sekaligus, mengecikkan hati orang.

Communication tak ada. Cakap aje yang berbunga bunga. Planning tak ada langsung...commitment sendiri pun tak respect. Ni kan pula commitment dgn orang. The worst part is, they don't care if they caused people upset. Friendship means nothing.

Orang Melayu Malaysia..bila kerja dan berada di position authority, perangai pun bertukar menjadi tapir. You cant tell them that they do wrong. You cant tell them how to be professional. You can't ask them when should you expect result. Because if you do all that to him/her, you may as well kiss everything goodbye. You are forever at their mercy.

Orang Melayu...even when they have committed to you, you are still expected to beg, beg and beg. They like to be in power and to feel the power. U asked about the work you gave them last week. This week they tell you..I can't be disturb sebab aku sibuk adik aku nak kahwin. Or..nenek aku nak amik SPM so aku kena ajar dia buat add math. Hmm...what is your nenek or adik kahwin got to do with the work you're supposed to finish up?

Orang Melayu...majority...are against gay movement. But, they are not 'straight' as you want them to be. No straight answer, no straight explanation. Akan beri jawapan dalam masa dua tiga hari..can mean..dua tiga bulan. Semuanya bengkok. Everything is gay. Theoretically.

Apakah makna nya ni? Melayu tak boleh harap ke or tak boleh percaya? I am a Malay. I am a Muslim. Whichever can come first. If you want to be nit picky, you say I should be a muslim first then Malay. But tell me, whichever way but if you are still useless, disrespectful, what identity suit you best? Berdegar degar hidup kerana Allah, everything must follow sunnah...but if you persistent in upsetting people, berjanji capati when it suits you, sunnah apakah yang you ikut?

Mode : Bengang dengan situasi bangang.



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Friday, October 26, 2012

Marriage Counselling

Kiah once asked me...why am I against marriage counselling? Elehhh...macam lah aku tatau yg ko tu nak digress dari tajuk utama kan? Ratu Procrastinate betul.

No. I don't. I am not against any type of counselling. Doing what I do, I think I am in a better position to suggest that sometimes we should do it, when need be.

However, I also see the downside of it if people just seek counselling for the sake of it. And those known to do it for the sake of it is ...jeng...jeng..jeng....a couple. Married or not.

People often got a wrong idea for this. Yes, counselling is not a free service. Dengan kengkawan pun berbayar juga. Tak bayar dgn duit, bayar dgn budi. Unless kalau kita ni bangsa nak orang aje tolong kita tapi membalas budi tak reti. Sounds familiar? Dok mintak tolong orang...buat tu buat ni, tapi bila kawan tu mintak tolong dgn you sekali, you buat babi aje. Syaitonnnn naharrom sangat kan? Biasalah blog I..episode menyindir perlu enterframe sekali sekala. But knowing this type of people, tak kan ada nya yg makan cili. So, menyindir diangin lalu aje lah kan aku?

What I really want to say is people expect wonders when they seek counselling. Kalau jumpa counsellor masa tgh stress, kita expect lepas 40 minutes tu kita free as a bird. Bila kita tambah stress, kita katalah counsellor to bodoh.

Lagi satu I nak pesan, kalau kita ni set tak hapik cakap orang and will do exactly as we want, jangan lah buang masa si counsellor tu. Yang set set ni adalah jenis selfish tahap jahanam. You selalunya nak offload rasa bersalah you by confiding to people about your problem. Si pendengar akan simpati dan bagi you nasihat...tak bagi nasihat pun, the pendengar will at least make it clearer what risks and the trouble you might get yourself into. You hear. You hear. But your heart as you know it will overrule every rational thing. You don't even care who will get hurt, you included.

A friend of mine have finally decided that enough is enough and the era of a doormat should end. The thing is, the other half haven't got a clue that he has treated the wife like one and in fact he is the one feeling hard done by.

You always think that a marriage i.e. living with someone else will make you the expert on how to deal with the opposite. Tak ada nya. More than often...you ended up don't even know how to talk to one and another anymore. I don't get that. Talk is talk, what is there to be difficult about? People always mistaken their anxiety for the feeling weird. Contoh...kita rasa dia perangai pelik tapi kita yang sebenarnya penakut. Takut benda2 buruk yang kita dok suspect tu bakal menjadi nyata. Fearing the worst and we blamed it to the impossibility of open communication. Like, your partner of 5 years suddenly appears aliens to you in many, many ways. You think by hinting, cakap sekali dua or even expecting them to understand your body language is a good way to communicate. By body language I mean..moncong muka and hentak kaki. Eleh...and then expect him/her to know what is the root of your displeasure.

Whatever bad behaviour we think we don't have but others do, we have them too. We just don't realise it maybe. We can say that our partner got selective hearing defect and only hear what he/she wanted to hear. Kita pun macam tu juga. Unless it is a compliment, nobody likes to hear bad thing about themselves. Bad wife, weak husband, gutless boyfriend, overbearing girlfriend...you like? No, don't think so.

But what we like to do is doing cut and shut. Yes, there is problem..gaduh sikit pastu kalau tak okay pun kena okay jugak. We never really explore the depth of the problem.

So yes, shit hits the fan. For you at least. Because you have had enough. Things that you hide and keep and blows up on your face. You think that the best time to talk is when the shit is all over. Then you get so surprise of why the wronged one got overly defensive.

I must tell you...we like to condemn budak2 bila bergaduh is macam 'budak budak'. But if you see it through, they will gaduh until things get sorted. But orang tua yang kononnya mengaku matured, kalau berbalah tu, konon nya malas nak bising2...simpanlah jarum emas didalam hati. Siapa yang tak matured sebenarnya?

Yes, when shit hit the fan...one is bound to get apprehensive especially when the realisation of losing things that matters to them start kicking in. But still one can find no wrong in themselves.

So they think counselling might help. Yes. Might. Remember the word 'might' ye. This are the couple who refuse to 'talk' to one another about their burning problems and yet think counselling will help.

Being in many,many counselling session myself...let me tell you there are people who use it as a scapegoat. The goat themselves. Sometimes you can't even blame them. Because they don't know what could they have done wrong.

We think our partner refuses to listen or unwilling to change for the better to make the relationship works. The problem with us sometimes is...we don't even know how or what we want them to change into. If we say better, they might say...nak better macam mana lagi? We want a partner who can understand us, sensitive about what is hurting us...but we actually never tell them how to handle us. In case we have, we don't do a good job of reminding him and our 'convenient' lapse in consistency in maintaining what used to be 'better'.

People forget. People get complacent. People can be stupid. We also forget. We also get complacent and we are also stupid.

Counselling can also open another can of worms. Unless you are really ready, don't tempt it. People have rights to know what they have done wrong. Although is very likely they don't like to admit it, it is still the thing we think that they have done it wrong. In that case, you need a neutral person to make it clearer to you and them. Hence the counselling. People need to be prepared to admit defeat. So do you.

Selamat maju jaya.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Jejantan Sewel

Ye..tajuk bakal menimbulkan kontrobesi dan memanaskan hati kawum laki-laki. But hey..you bound to be reading something you don't like. So, kalau dah tahu I ni selalu berfeeling macam bagus, sila lah dan pergilah baca blog ilmiah yang lain ye?

The truth about me, which Kiah will be the 1st to differ ialah, I ni adalah sangat pemalu. Ye, Kiah..kau nak gelak? Gelak lahh..but you know the truth and so do I.

Because of my kepemaluan tahap Empire State Building, I ni tak ramai boipren. I can count them with one hand. So I do remember the man yang pernah jugak menterlibatkan dirinya dalam sejarah hidup I. I do know a fren yang tak hingat mana satu boipren nombor 4 and nombor 5 nya. Punyalah ramai ex. Well, girls always remember their first boipren...monyet pun monyet lah but that is one thing the law of the nature human can't beat..the first person that captured you, will remain the first one who captured you. If your 1st happens to be Abang Drebar Van Tadika you, nak buat cemana lah kann? Terima ajelah kat orang tu yang kau pernah syiok.

I want to talk about boipren. Mine and others. In my life time...I only ever had 3...tu pun yang 2 tu macam takleh nak kira aje, sebab takdelah serious I lapyu yulapmi. One was introduced to me. One guy wanted to date my fren so he thought by pairing me with his best mate si bujang terlajak is a good idea so that my fren ni nak lah keluar dgn dia. Yang my fren ni pulak, tak syiok sangat kat jantan tu but dgn pandainya selalu menjual nama I kat jantan ni. Ohh..I tak free nak tengok wayang dgn you sebab I dah janji dgn Makji Esah. But jantan gigih ni..sebab syiok sangat dgn kawan I, terus buat I jadi kawan nya dgn harapan by befriending me, being pally pally...aku ni kira boleh lah tolong dia jual minyak. Bless him. They're both now happily married.

But not the case of me and his best fren si bujang terlajak ni. But I'm telling you..this bujang terlajak is now a multi millionaire. Well...sometimes in life, you missed the boat..or in my case, luxury yatch. But hey...aku kan mabuk laut. Kalau kapal cruise boleh lah tahan.

This guy...is the jantan sewel number one. As decent as he is..driving Pajero (hello..mid 90's Pajero sport is so onnnn okay?) adalah desperate nak berbini. But man being man, nevermind him being slightly imperfect but calon bini musti nak yang grade A. He said I am...to him is grade A. Cibai nya. Dia nya grade apanya, might you want to ask? Hmm...entahlah. Well, I kan baru grad dari obersea and masa tu gigih nak sambung master so he is dreaming of an educated pair. Pulak masa tu I was in between Siamang & MC...who was messing me about..leading me to uncertainty. This man is a real deal lah konon nya. But I was only 25. Settling down..beranak pinak...bermesra alam dgn ipar duai really was not on my agenda. He keep talking about he is just few years away from being 40 and and the need to 'produce' his generation dicampur pula dgn saranan sedara maranya kat Kelantan nunn.

He was really behaving like that guy in that Bachelor movie. Like, kalau tak kahwin by the end of the month, he is at risk of losing billions gitu. Rimas..rimas..rimas I. He sent me to and fetch me from work. He will terpacak to pick me up for dinner. He made it like he is being sweet..ala-ala boipren mithali gitu. But he is so critical of what I wear to work. Skirt belah kiri kanan tak boleh...but janganlah harap aku nak mendengar kata ye? You don't like skirt belah kiri kanan, maka mini skirt ku tunjukkan. One day I told him that me and few friends nak gi joget2 nak Picadilly. Maka dgn konfiden nya dia kata..awak pergilah, nanti saya masuk tarik awak keluar. Sambil gelak2..thinking that the controlling boipren act will deter me from going joget. Tak ke I rasa nak menjerit mendengar nya? Yes..memang I menjerit kat dia masa2 tu jugak...lantas dia menangis dan kata, janganlah break up dgn dia. Bila I pun sejuk hati cakap..okay lah...okay lah...terus dia buat doa syukur dalam kereta, menadah tangan baca doa dan baca tah hapa2 lagi dek happy nya. To cut the story short, all I did after that is to annoy him deliberately. He will nangis tarik tangan I tak bagi keluar kereta (of course, banyak betul adegan nak keluar kereta tengah2 Subang Jaya----seriusly, I eksyen je lebih) dan I pun..okay lahhh...okay lahhh. But no, how can I marry a man like that? Control freak. In the end, he got fed up. I am so thankful. But I have been telling him that I am not his grade A and never will be. But he is a Datuk now.

The jantan sewel number two is this young man I briefly had fling with. Fling ye Kiah..jgn marah. Ohh..I don't do younger man, okay...(tak tau lah sekarang) but this guy seems mature for his age. Yes, I was introduced to him. Ramai betul kengkawan yang susah hati I single masa tu...lantas dalam ramai2...dengan dia ni saja yang boleh lah to me. Memilih ke I? No...my heart really is with somebody else.

Like the number one, he'd do anything for me. He is kaki rendek so he goes out a lot and I think he likes it that I don't really care dia nak melahu kat Modesto sampai pagi. But of course walaupun dia balik lambat, dia tetap akan call I pepagi tanya I nak makan apa for breakfast. Jantan....biasalah, kalau belum dapat you, you suruh dia jilat pasir pun dia sanggup. Satu aje I tak berkenan dgn dia...dia bawak kereta macam pelesit! The persona of a caring boipren akan berubah sekelip mata bila sampai ke Federal Highway. Bila I tegur dia akan bad mood terus bawak kereta speed 30 mph. Memoncong kan muka sambil kata..okay I dah slow dah ni..u happy? Nak tunjuk kat aku dia tak puas hati lah tu kannn? But the amount of time I menjerit tarik lengan dia begging for my life masa dia berfeeling Ayrton Senna tu (drama nya I) tuhan saja lah yang tahu. But what did it for me is...one day tah hantu mana yang menyampuk dia...we were at Bukit Damansara T junction. This oncoming car takde nampak gaya nak slow down..and so is he. He keep saying that it is his right of the way and that car should slow down...and proudly say, I will not stop...head on..head on lah. He accelerated. I can see the car flashing and nak kata I can see my whole life flashing before me macam tipu lah pulak..sebab I dah tutup mata, but I was so so scared, I screamed, I begged...and yes...I punched him. Out of desperation. Stop the car you stupid bastard!  He stop. He was shocked. I walked out..walked to the nearest Shell (Jalan Batai ke hapa nama jalan tu) and get a taxi home. Both of us didn't call each other after that. But from his frens...I know he bad mouthed me. He even said..alah..Makji tu bukannya lawa pun..I am glad I got rid of her..etc etc. Mature lah sangat kann kau jantan?

Jantan sewel 3, ni boipren kawan I. Tapi the amount of time I dengan kawan2 yang lain mengumpat pasal jantan ni..tuhan aje lah yang tahu. Tapi takdelah nak ngumpat depan gilpren nya takut minah tu kecik ati. But every little thing he does is annoying to high heaven. Only when the gilpren moaned about him, we were all more than happy to menambah perisa. You know for some reason you allow yourself to cope with pompuan ngengada...but can you imagine if it is jantan? Kalau call gilpren masa pompuan tu tengah makan...ayang makan apa tuu...the girl jawab KFC...ohh..sedapnya, tolong makan kan untuk I sekali ye...tak ke kau rasa nak pijak muka dia yang tersongeh-songeh masa tu jugak? Tu belum lagi nak letak phone..you lah letak..you lah letak dulu..you la..you la...rasa nak mintak petir turun sabung menyabung sambar phone line rumah dia aje masa tu. Tu belum lagi dia merajuk...leave him alone katanya. But when the gilpren did leave him alone...marah lak kata, you tak peduli kat I. Monconggg....moncong...and he wants the whole world to know he is hard done by.

He was dumped after 2 years. My friend told me...I can't deal with his drama.


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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Things That Doesn't Make Any Sense...To Me

Suddenly, ramainya budak2 sekolah dalam FB I. Nak jugak ku bertanya..dik, kita jumpa kat mana ye? Knowing myself yang kenkadang pelupa tahap setan dan pocong, I hold that thought first. But still I am slightly puzzled as to where have they come from. Later on I figured out that it was their mother who I befriended at first but later, menurun kan account mereka kat anak2 depa. Lerrr...

Me and kids...ada love and hate connection. My anak2 buah will not even want to vouch for me if I ever submit an application to foster any child. In fact, I am sure if there's ever going to be a bad reference, it will come from them.

But they have since becoming so annoying..err, not my anak2 buah but this children in my FB. Mula2 nak jadi pensyarah agama and Ustazah Pilihan wannabe and seeing what they have written, hanya sesuai untuk kanak2 12 tahun ke bawah. So you know lah, bimbingan agama kanak2 bawah 12 tahun kan, serupa macam I dedulu...salah sikit aje masuk neraka. While I like to applaud their effort of mengembangtkan syiar Islam, their syiar Islam is really not age appropriate espeially to orang tua macam I ni. So I will look stupid if I argue more.

Pernah dulu I termasuk dalam conversation budak2 and when I did some pressing points, budak tu kata..ehh, kenape kiter ckp english? Ni lah padah nya kalau you kawan dgn mak dia, pastu mak dia pun bangang suggest you kawan dgn anak dia..dah of course dgn sendiri  nya you akan masuk dunia budak2 kan?

Then..setelah memberi bimbingan agama kat kengkawan...the next will be...ohh I can't sleep thinking of you Zayn Malik. Ustazah lah sangat kannn? What were you thinking about that stop you from sleeping? Macam2...pastu bergaduh lah pulak sesama dia...Biebot lagi bagus lah..no, Greyseng lagi cool lah..oii budak2..pergi mati boleh tak? ----kejam kan I? Maaf kan emosi saya, but really..at almost 40, do I really want to see or hear this?

Trust me I do know parents who even encourage things like this. What were you thinking?

Dah le mata I sakit membaca spelling yang macam lahanat...oh ye, mak bapak you buang duit aje ngantar you all pi tuitions...kalau nak spell dia jadi die/dye, tidur jadi tdow. Don't let me start on K. Seriously, macam babi.

Jeles kah I sebab zaman I takde pesbuk, takde Justing Bibot dan takde jejantan yg you all rasa cool tu? Ohh takde makna nya jeles dik oii...at least people my age got to experienced memorable pain of growing up. Kau tu, tunggu bas pun tak pernah dengar agak nya..let alone main masak2, kan?

So yes, I am giving myself a week to see if this child play is bearable to me. Kalau mak nya tak mengambik tindakan mengaktive kan diri mereka sendiri dan tak menggunakan khidmat PA mereka yang lebih sudu dari kuah tu, maka...tak payah lah kita berkawan lagi ye. I will unfriend your child.

Lagipun...I kan kuat mencarut kat FB..datang Kiah, lagi tambah 1000 kali so, it is unsuitable for kids viewing okay.


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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Upacara Penamat Part 1

Hello Uols..

I haven't written very much about my project akhirat lately. I don't get much time for myself -----> eleh nippu nya, kalau ngumpat orang tu banyak pulak masa kan?

Where are we now with that, you might want to ask..ohh I sungguh perasan yang ramai orang mempunya misi sama macam I. It's been 6 months or more I supposed and unfortunately we haven't reached our target, in terms of fundraising. While this blog generates 300 max daily..meaning adalah 300 orang yang baca kann..but the kitty is not as fat as I had hoped.

But let's not allow the low interest from people deter us, eh..Desert Rose. Siapalah nak berpisah dengan RM10, apatah lagi £10.

Tu tak masuk nak mengeluh, susah lah nak pi transfer kat Al Rajhi bank tu, awat nya uols takde mebengtuyu? Ada pulak yang kata, susah nak donate, tak masuk..siap marah lagi kata susah lah macam ni, orang nak derma pun susah,kata mereka. But I bet kalau drive dari Shah Alam menuju ke puncak pavillion mengharungi jam tak lah susah, kan? Then of course ada yang tak suka dengan appeal page tu, katanya, kalau orang nak bagi, bagi lah..I don't have to keep reminding. Sure. And of course you are right.

To kawan2 yang mempromote donation link dalam blog mereka, terima kasih lah. Orang Bristol memang baik2 belaka dan student Malaysia memang kaya-kaya belaka.

Then I have good people who wishes to donate anonymously and asked that i don't publish their name. But I feel that I have to do that because I am so grateful with your support.

Yes, we are almost there. Just. I need to keep my job to fund the cause for now. Banyak cerita2 menyakitkan hati but tu semua asam garam kehidupan lah kan.

Didoakan Pakcik Arkitek yang dok memeram drawing tu mempercepatkan bantuannnya because I am losing money already :( but who cares?

Dikesempatan ini, for all the cash that we have raised, err £280 in total through paypal and some £100++ through Al Rajhi, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your kindness. I can assure you that the cash will go towards the centre.

Hands down, I am not a good fundraiser. And I tak femes...kalau fames, ramailah orang derma, ya dak? End of.

Another thing is that, once the centre is up and running, it will be the end of Makji Esah as a blogger mengarut. The work will soon 'out' me and soon you will get to know the other side of me. It will be impossible to blog when the cover is revealed. As it is now due to the nature of work I kena menapis apa yang patut apatah lagi bila dah terang-terangan besok.

I intend to write few case studies in Malaysia that was sent to me by Community Psychiatric Unit in my future post and hope to raise a bit more money by exposing the problems people with mental health are experiencing. Kalau berkelapangan, berilah bantuan dan kalau tak minat, tak apalah.

Thanks.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Mangsa Perubahan (Edited)

Hello uolss yang dikasihi...

Masa I balik Kehel bebaru ni..masa dok melepak kat rumah Amma (masa ni, I dok utara, dia dok selatan tak reti nak bercakap) I juga menghabiskan masa membaca sokabar lama Harian Mehteruks itu. Terbaca lah I kisah that boy yang dah jadi girl, pi masuk court nak buat pengesahan ke'girlie' an nya..lantas tidak dibagi langsung oleh judge maka dia pun jatuh sakit, masuk spital dan dia pun mati..kerana menjadi mangsa patah hati.

Kesian dia...Al-Fatihah sajalah yang I boleh sedekahkan.  Tak puas dengan membaca news, I google lagi kisah budak tu. Trust that segala human rights lawyer membantah keputusan hakim yang tak bagi dia tukar nama tu.

I wish to write about my observations on women in general. I may be at risk kena bambu dengan para-para new womanz but terimalah adat hidup yang lain orang lain pemikiran nya, ya? So lets just agree to disagree lah ye..

Nak menjadi perempuan ni bukannya senang wahai jejaka-jejaka diluar sana. Yes, we may have heard Dr Juanda take on transexual men and his words are true, transexual is categorically confused. Dan orang yang confused lah musti dibantu, bukan ditangkap, denda, cerca etc etc.

While one can come out with a statement like I am a woman in man's body, the man will remain a man and will not naturally become a woman however much hormone, silicone they inserted their body with. Changing your sexual organ will not automatically make you a woman either. Must I say, a woman is not just define only by what she has between her legs. Lebih dari itu.

This guy apparently died due to low blood pressure, induced by stress. And we all know which sex can easily succumbed to stress and life pressures. Ohh, ini bukan discrimination but pi lah melawat spital psychiatry dan tengoklah sendiri kaum mana yang ramai. Physical stress tak tahan, apatah lagi emotional kan? When I say physical stress, I don't mean man can't stand getting beaten up. Ohh, some are just made for that. Tak dia pukul orang, orang pukul dia. Physical stress that can induce mental illness are usually drugs abuse gituh. Nasib baik orang jantan takleh beranak...kalau tak macam-macam natal depression boleh dapat, pre, post etc etc.  A woman can easily looked back on their life..gone through tortures be it physical and mental, mengandung I dan beranak sebanyak mana laki dia nak, dihadiahkan madu oleh laki, dituduh pompuan lain nak merampas laki, dituduh madu menghantar santau etc etc...and still managed to laugh it off, walk all over it with their head held high.

A man? Enough said lah. Bini kena kacau pun meroyan..laki kena kacau..lagi lah.

I honestly think the judge made a reasonable call. He can't take the stress and of course now, Allah made it easier for him.

I went out for dinner with a group of womanz...half of them has had their penises reshaped into shape that is similar to mine. What I notice is that, they were so obsessed with their breast and they even let their mates fondled them. One volunteered to show his samosa shaped 'penis' to another 'kakak'. This 'kakak' shouted back at him..heyy choii..suwey tau! Later when we walked home, this 'kakak' yang belum 'potong' tell me, 'pondan2 potong ni semua tingtong lain macam.'

Showing off your blow up tits, your new vagina, is that really 'perempuan'?

Then I came across some transexual activist. Activist ke yang sesetengah tu? Defensive more like if you ask me..hmm. Trust that the transexual often ill treated. Betul, tu I pon tak nak deny. Tapi yang dok menghuru harakan hidup orang transexual ni jugak adalah kawun2 mereka jua. Yang sorang dah la celaru mental tak tahu nak accept diri jantan ke pompuan ka, yang sorang lagi...jantan psycho tak boleh senang hidup dgn puak yang sorang lagi tu. Some transexual has tendencies of a tragedy queen. Macam dia sorang ajelah manusia yang disalah erti, macam dia sorang ajelah yang teraniaya.  They talked openly about their sexual fantasies, the sexual favours they did to people and things they have done that will only suitable for UK sexetera channel. Again I want to ask, perempuan kah tu?

I don't remember me or anyone happily showing our bits to people, lainlah kalau kita ni certified gila kan? Orang perempuan kan pemalu..and kalau yg dah terlebih confident tu pun setakat berani buat striptease kan gym aje. And depan laki.

Whilst we should not discriminate and  must emphatise with them, might we wonder that one should be grateful dgn apa Allah dah kasi.

What's wrong with being a man..who look like a woman? Kan? We should recornise the psychological effects..kurang kromosom jantan ka dalam badan seorang jantan tu, but perlukah menukar physical as in menukar apa yang telah sedia ada?

All this over exxageration  nak menunjuk 'barang2 peribadi' tidak kah membuatkan mental sipenunjuk nya didalam keadaan suspect? Some words are ringing true here...orang yang bermasalah mental selalunya tak akan sedar yang dia bermasalah. Why must I wonder more?

Sent from Samsung Galaxy S III :)

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Update

Do you know of anyone who is obsessed with Facebook? Well, maybe obsessed is a wrong word. But kalau activity nya pagi petang siang malam semua nak dimasuk Facebook serta gambar yang beratus-ratus pun nak masuk Facebook jua, amenda tu?

Ekcherliii...bukan activity Facebook dia yang menyakitkan payudara I..hehehe...as oppose to the exact phrase in English kan, Kiah? This person seems to be in a habit of 'tagging' me on all his photos.

Hari ni dia makan mee sup, kat mee sup tu lah dia tag nama I. Surely kengkawan I yang dapat tengok gambar tu musykil kerana I dengan tetiba dah bertukar jadik mee sup. Photos I sekarang adalah penuh dengan gegambar dia yang di tag I saja. Pulak tu dia boleh tanya, bila I nak approve gambar tu kat timeline I. Aiyamaaiyapa. This person traces all the outgoings of his pictures gituh.

Hari ni tadi, ada 14 gambar yang dia tag I. None of me in them. Tah gambar siapa2 tah. Gambar penyanyi mengandung pun ada nama I. Wah...adakah I yang terbabit dalam pengandungan penyanyi ittew? Unlike his other kaki ampu. by this I mean those yang memuja macam nak rak gambar2 dia...come on lah, I bukannya nak dengki I do you really intrigue by photo of mee sup dan mengomen berbanyak kali? And the notificationnya of course lah akan melalak-lalak kat mobile phone I mintak dibaca, kan?

I think, I can live with those who think that tagging you on the picture of their merchandise is a good idea of flogging the goods of quickly. Apalah salah nya..orang berbisness nak lah kembangkan bisnes kann? But what I cannot fathom is that the kedai baju/kain/aksesori can have their own account and added you as friends. Macam semalam, adalah kawan I ni meniaga jubah and some manik2 from her Boutique So & So. And the Boutique want to be my fren. make sense? Selalunya I takdelah nak melayan friend request Kedai2 ni...because, how on earth can you be friends with a kedai? Politely I will untag myself from the picture, of course, yes thank you for letting me know about your new products but maybe not this time lah ye. Un tag and that's it. Tak payahlah nak buat statement sarcastic kutuk orang tu pakai kuasa veto tag you dalam gambar benbarang dia. Awak pun meniaga juga and you should know that all business people needs is the exposure. Support as you can lah. tak suka or takde guna pada you, untag saja lah..kan? Sombong pulak! ---oh ye ini adalah sindiran.

Everytime when I see my 'pic' I am trying hard to understand that this person meant well. He is excited but I wish he knows his cyber boundary. Kenkadang I tak kenal langsung orang yang di'tag' kan bersama I tu.

I also know of someone who just accept anybody as friends. Laaa...speaking of accepting just about everyone, I ternampaklah comment2 mengarut dalam gambar kawan I ni, talking about that pregnant singer. One guy making comments about her outfit, maybe it looks fitting he think the singer should wear something comfy considering dia tu mengandung. pastu masuk lagi sorang makcik yang tanya soklan bodoh''ehh dia mengandung ke..when the gambar caption dah pun bagitau singer tu expecting.

In the end they traded unpleasant comments and my fiend ni cakap lah, he don't know who these two person (yang buat komen bangang) is. I nak aje cakap..weh, you just add anybody meh? So dapat orang yang you tak kenal pala hotak nya cemana, merasalah dapat komen bangang kan?

Samalah jugak dgn retis2 yang ada Twitter yang open to public. Of course la sesapa je boleh follow, terpasuk lah peminat2 you yang psycho macam I ni..kann? Ni pi tayang gambar pakai spaghetti strap, pastu adalah Ustazah Pilihan tegur, terus kata...my clothes my choice, siapa komen lebih2 saya block.

Leh...dah kau 'expose' dirikau kat member of public pastu marah pulak bila orang komen, kan? Kalau tak nak org cakap macam2..takyah ada social networking ni via alam maya ni. Kau buat aje kelab peminat style jaman dedolu..isi borang segala..pi makan2..pastu balik rumah main angry bird. Hati pun tak sakit.

Tak pun, carik je lah kerja lain.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Psycho Mu, Psycho Ku Jua...

Hehehe..tajuk cam naharrom, kan?

Bebaru ni ada Malaysia Week kat London. Meriah la jugak pasar malam nya...tapi I tak pergi. Tak kuasa nak berhujan-hujan nak nak pulak cuaca yang memerlukan baju 3 lapis ni nak dicampurkan dalam keadaan yang basah, so memang terima kasih benyak-banyak lah kann?

I got to meet the model and the dancers. I am not a big fan of Malaysian dancer sebab kalau I tengok TV tu, masing2 joget manjang tak synchronised aje, pastu..idoklah masing2 tu reti nak beef up kan body pergi gym dan yang jejantan nya patah gemertap segala. Well, tak kisahlah if orientation you patah rioks, but kalau nak menjadi dancer jantan, haruslah bertubuh maskuls gitu...maka sedap la sikit orang tengok, kan?

Kawan I yang juga pengacara yg glams itu suka benar bagitau orang apa kerjaya I kat sini. I tak kisah pun kena introduced dgn orang but kenkadang org yg di introducekan kat I tu adalah mega seleburity yg I tak kenal and pastu I notice lah seleburity pun mcm cipan beranak kecik aje bila I tanya what do you do. Tak kau tension bila kau pelakon tersohor pastu ada pulak makcik tak kenal kau? Hehehe tersohor la sangat kau kann? Eeshh..I bukannya kaki kejar glamer. The less people know about me the better. So ini pesanan kepada makluk yg suka pi kompang kat orang yg dia dgn Esah adalah kawan baik lagi ketat, rentikan lah. Tak payah lah you nak gunakan I dalam misi mencapap you ye...you glamer sorang dah le. Ohh tetiba lak keluar pesanan penaja.

Of course reaction orang yang sangat biasa when they know what I do for a living is that they think I know sifat2 manusia. Hek elehhh hai. Kalau takat nak tahu bab pengetahuan am tu tak apa. Of course ilmu harus dikongsi.

So this young lady. An aspiring model. Wahh...punya keding nya badan dia making me think modelling is full of torture. To get a body like that, I bet she must force herself to hate nasik lemak and teh tarik. Everyday is a puasa day, maybe.

So she asked me about anger management and if I have any advice. The next one hour was about her. She asked me how do I flag a psycho. I tanya dia, what do you mean wahai adik supermodel boleh terbang ditiup angin? Pun berceritalah dia akan kengkawan dan boipren 'psycho' nya.

Meh la I nak cerita sikit pasal 'psycho' or term yang betulnya psychopath. Sebab ilmu I dah berkarat I think it means a person with a diseased mind. Walaupun pesakit otak ni boleh mengakibatkan psychosis yg bersifat sementara, tak semua pesakit otak adalah gila. Bak kata trainer I, psychopath are not mad but they can be very,very bad. Gituh.

Biasalah orang kan sesedap jiwa aje panggil or guna term psycho but don't really understand what the term means nor do they even consider the likelihood of actually coming into contact with bona-fide psychopath.

Scientist kata between 1 to 3 percent of general population are psychopath. So, kawan pesbuk you ada berapa orang? Kalau ada 100 maybe dlm jumlah tu at least one of them qualifies, unless all your friends are made in rumah pemulihan akhlak tak pun penjara Kajang in which case 15% of them will. You may not realise it and in fact the chances are that you wont. The psychos in your life maybe your Boss, in Kiah's case, I think her gordonramsay is, your teenage child, your blind date, your relatives (ohhh...) your doctor or your lover. Point I'm making is, they can be anybody with unreasonable characteristics. They can be a normal looking person. The only thing they have in common is a cluster of emotional abnormalities and antisocial behaviour that can wreak havoc.

Then you wonder how and why everyone loves a psychopath. How many of us yg suka tengok cerita2 hantu dan psychopath? Why would you pay for the privilege of shivers down your spine? You might say you're into that sort of thrill. Yo la..thrill lah sangat. But fact is, you find psychopath  and their psychopathic behaviour err, toreh muka orang dgn garpu, rogil pempuan secara bersiri etc etc and all this act of psychos, a thrill. Why?

You may think that because seeing the mentally ill is all in my days work, I am able to spot a psychopath instantly. Ohh...you should know that I don't have that kind of natural ability. Kalau ada orang claim dia pandai spot a psycho chances are he or she is one. Tak pun, sebab dia dah lama hidup dan hidupnya dok bertembung dgn psycho aje.

Cam nilah...since all psychologists and psychiatrist ni, especially if they're in forensics field will charge by hour of their expertise, I can only share what I have learn in my 11 years of working experience and studies yang tak lah sebagus mana. All I can say is, don't live your life hunting for the next psychos but watch out for the red flag.

I don't want to share my experience with the convicted psychopath. Reason being is that had they have not arrested and convicted, we wouldn't know that they exist. Let's just look around us. Since I am in this subject, let me tell you about my ex psycho friend. I know she reads my blog and I think somehow, she must secretly have this inclination that she is a psycho too. Well, I am not friends with her anymore. So, kalau nak saman...saman lah.

Remember, red flag. Me and her, when I was in ITM shared a house together. She was working and I was struggling to finish up my remaining papers. I was working too during that term holidays. Now that I look back I think she has a very low self esteem and to make up for the kekurangan, she feel the needs to menunjuk. Tunjuk dia ada bf lah, tunjuk dia lagi bagus la..(tapi tak lah bagus mana pun) everyday she comes home telling us about the wonderful time she had with her bf. Over the weekend she will go out and come back telling us how a stranger can compliment her outlook (red flag 1). One day she came back with a perfume, quite an expensive one. She said the promoter thinks that she is so good looking she can have the perfume for free (red flag 2). The next day her room mate who works with her was telling me about how some money missing from their workplace. After half an hour, she came back asking me if the room mate had mentioned anything and if she has, don't take her words for it. The thing is, she was not close to me before this duit hilang kat ofis punya story. Noticeably after that the room mates has a mild fall out and she formed her friendly allegiance to me. Tetiba interested pulak dengan hidup I yang kurang berwarna dari dia tu. But that time I had to focus with my own things so I sort of aware she is only with me sebab dia takdak kawan dah. Meantime there's so many stories heard about her and the whole house fall out.

Thanks but no thanks to pesbuk (she is the 1% okay?) I saw her, presumably with the husband. We started messaging each other. Bila I balik Malaysia we arranged to meet and what I see is that dia masih macam dulu...suka cakap pasal diri dia sendiri dan kehebatannya. Cewwahh...she told me she was a magistrate and that's how she met her husband when her husband datang bayar saman traffic (red flag 3). Ohhh...back of mind thinking, okay...I was a law student, dalam tak pass pun, I know what steps students need to go to qualify as a Magistrate. (tak nak kalah..Magistrate nahh?) And..would you leave your high flying career to become a housewife ? Ni set yg mak pun duduk sekali jaga anak bila dia pergi berbisness, and plus, kalau anak 5, make sense la kalau nak berhenti kerja pun, nursery kan mahal? (red flag 4) So, I asked about her bf yang kononnya dulu jejaka idaman Malaya dia tu. Well, things didn't work out for them, katanya. So one day setelah frust gila babi after putus chenta, she went to Mekah dan berdoa semoga ditemukan jodoh, maka sekejapan itu katanya, lakinya yg sekarang ni muncul. (wahh..tak ke kau rasa nak pi Mekah mintak jumpa jodoh dgn Nuar Jain, Kiah?)  Eh..bukan tadi kau kata jumpa kat mahkamah ke? (Flag...flag..flag...help.help..help!) She like to impress me gila2 punya, tak tau pasal apa. Ada satu malam she call me saying that she bought me a karipap from a bakery (hah kau, Kiah) and sanggup tu nak hantar ke tempat I tinggal mengenangkan I yg suka makan cipap eh kipap tu. I cakap..ala, tak payah lah. She was so nice giving me stuff but somehow I made sure I reciprocate balik dgn barang2 lain, so that if one day dia takkan ngungkit la dia bagi I barang macam2.

But you know, I ni kenkadang tak rajin dengar kata hati. Like many of my newly emerged friends, she is also vangga la with what I have achieved today. Cerita kevanggaan nya dengan I tu diselangselikan dengan cerita dia yang mempunyai business dealing keliling dunia. So disebabkan kejayaan nya tu, dia nak lah membuat amal jariah dan membantu I membuat kerja amal I ni. Hmm...harramzads. Ishh manusia. Agaknya kalau I masih dok KL awak kereta Satria merah I tu, ada ke orang nak pandang? U fren me bcos I dok hinglen kan? Her flattery is somehow 'seductive' but very insincere. Tanda2 psycho dah terang pun I layan jugak. Yes, in the end, we did stop talking. Sebab dia suka sangat cakap bohong, bab bab dia menipu I tu, I tak lah kisah sangat. Tapi, dia nak tutup salah dia lantas menjadi batu api supaya I marah kat orang lain, tu yang did it for me. So yes, that's one psycho for me. At some point, she is fun to be around for a short while as her recklessness and impulsivity can be exciting but her self assurance can easily tip into a domineering arrogance and you really wouldn't want to be around them when things do not go their way. And again, the pathological liar trait. For a psychopath, it is their nature to use and damage those who allow it, even though they often shoot themselves in the foot in the process, like in my case, she lost my friendship and trust. Not that their ego will ever allow them to admit it, a psychopath will blame everybody and everything, but never themselves for their problem.

So, if you come across benda tak masuk akal...like stalking an ex boifren, flaunting all the wrongdoings to the world but still think its okay, you really need to lose this type of person, quickly.

Selamat maju jaya.

P/s I wish I can tell you how many red flags I saw during my conversation with that supermodel. But after half an hour, I lost count, I'm telling you. Isk...




Sent from my iPad

Monday, October 08, 2012

I Wonder...

Do we tell people everything? We don't..apparently. Err, ekcherli..we like to think that we dont but now bila ada technology canggih sepert Samsung Galaxy S11 dak pung Aifong 5 yang ada access gi pesbuk, twitty bird dan sebagai nya...maka, walaupun kita ni set-set mulut tak banyak, tangan kita adalah laju nak gi buat laporan live telecast kat mana kita berada, kat mana kita makan and emosi-emosi kita time tu.

Masuk stabak..bagitau kat orang. Masuk kedai makan..err, yang posh la..jarang benar I nampak orang check in kat warung SS19 tu. Pendek kata dimana-mana aje lah. Sampai ke kat highway pun nak bagitau orang. Free sangatlah tu, dok nak menggodak mobile phone aje.

Bila I membaca posting orang lain...kat blog ka, pesbuk ka or mana2 yang I boleh access secara free and easy, I selalu fikir..eh, benda cenggini pun nak bagitau orang ke? Ohh mustik, especially bila ada ramai peminats atau, bila kita RASA kita ramai peminat. Gitu lah. I pun buat gak menda2 camtu..tapi idok lah seselalu macam uols ye. Ye lah..siapa lah I kannn. Bukannya Nasha Aziz pungg.

Mana2 set-set yang tengah mengand, maka sokmolah mengapdate status kandungan masing2. Siap ada application pulak tu dalam pesbuk menunjukkan berapa weeks dia dah mengand. Let's just assume dia excited. Tapi dia dah ada 3 orang anak sebelum yang ini, so adakah tahap ke excited'an nya sama? Speaking of this, ada budak satu sekolah dengan I pun buat menda yang sama. Ada baby update. Tak cukup dengan baby update, dia update lagi benda yang dia rasa nak makan and apa dia dah makan. On the benefot of the baby, katanya. Ohh..tetiba bubba terasa nak makan Tony Roma pulak hari ni, nasib baik Mr Hubby baik hati nak teman. Aduhaiii.I membaca pun rasa menyampah but if I tunjukkan rasa menyampah cara terangan, I pulak akan dikatakan jeles. Tapi semalam...ohh, bukan rezeki kami. Dan of course lah ramai yang bersimpati dan men encourage supaya dia cuba lagi. Ish.

Ada seorang lagi kawan I (might you wonder what type of people I am friend with, kan?) suka benar meroyan bila ada krisis rumahtangga. Venting her frustration kat pompuan2 gediks yang kononnya cuba mengganggu lakinya when everyone in her pesbuk list tahu memang lakinya tu set2 mintak diganggu pun. Hok alahh...her status updates can be either meroyan or the PDA tahap pocong kesetanan. Pegang tangan dalam keta dgn laki pun, mau bagitau kawan2 kah?

Not only that...siap gambar okay...tangan bini nya (diiringi bling2) atas peha lakinya...semasa dalam kereta. This is like 2 days after si isteri meroyan dalam channel yang sama menuduh kerani mebeng nak ganggu lakinya. Wah..kau sakit jiwa kah pompuan?

Let's discuss this excessive over exhibionist creatures. If you are one of them or them, I nak lah tanya...tak malukah you? Same thing I like to ask ex bini pak polisi masa dia meroyan takhengat bila gf ex lakinya jawab tepon. Dah...dah bf dia, apa salahnya dia tolong jawab phone jantan tu?

Telling people hal kain dalam you...for what? Janganlah buat statement, pesbuk I, blog I..sukati makngah I lahh nak tulis apa pun. Perbuatan you tu kan mengundang komen orang?

What worst bila you dapat pengomen yang bermulut longkang. Well, dah gigih nak expose sangat, maka terimalah consequences nya kan?

Lainlah kalau you tu set2 tak campur orang...everything about you is private and tetiba lak ada orang buat komen macam2 kat you, then memang patutlah you cakap, hidup saya..hak asasi saya lah..kau apa susah, betul tak?

Sekian.
Sent from Samsung Galaxy S3

Saturday, October 06, 2012

Surat Kiewww Untuk Miewww...

Okay, pada posting yang kali ni, I nak berfeeling-feeling tulis surat to MC, imagining I dengan dia sedang mengalami masalah besar....sampai takleh nak bercakap dek menyampah punya pasal. Have you ever been in a situation dengan your spouse, partner, bf/gf..dimana setelah attempt nak berkomunikasi secara kasar dan halus tak jalan and you have come to the part, nak cakap pun tak reti dah because there might be a risk of pertumpahan darah..air mata or worst, you induce cardiac arrest lantas mati terbukak mata?

Nak kata I dgn MC perfect, tidak lah..nak nak pulak I dah mengambil pendekatan..lantklah kau dengan dia. My situation is easy, if I tak suka, I boleh blah..but because I kan suka menyeksa diri, batin dan jiwaraga, maka long may I live to memakan hati. But to those yang situation nya seperti diatas, bestest way is to just tulis surat. Things about letter, the writer can take time to write (think pastu kalau boleh amend la kalau ada termencarut) and the reader can read, read and read and make sense of it. Surat juga adalah bahan bukti..should we come to it lah, untuk digunakan ditempat-tempat yang memerlukan loyar dan tuan hakim serta kerani court, evidence to show that the writer dah cuba sedaya upaya untuk memperbaiki apa2 yang rosak. Verbal conversation, risk nya..nak nak kalau you dapat partner kaki auta who will deny every single things and mula memakai concept, your words against mine gitu. Sial. My situation is..the imaginary one that is, say...we have been married for 8 years and have two kids. Judging us, I think the kids will be closer to me, ye lah..kalau dia pun set-set tak berapa nak kisah dgn I, uols rasa dia nak kesah ke hal anak2 dia? But saying that too...I pun set2 pelupa nak rak and I may be neglecting my children too.

But let's just imagine...MC is a good and doting father.

Dear MC ----bila tengah marah, term of endearment masuk longkang lah kannn? Tak kosser I nak ber baby,baby dgn you...and at this rate, I am likely to call you babi than the former.

You should not be surprise that this letter arrived to you. I think we both know why am I resorting to this. These last couple of weeks, particularly wasn't easy.

I am not happy and I think you know this unhappiness is obvious. I can tell that you are unhappy to. So you must know I have been unhappy for a while now.

Since I am writing, let this letter me about me. I think it is about time I do something about my unhappiness. Okay, where should I start? Since the day we stop behaving like a couple or since the day we got together?

I think, since we entered this relationship with both of our eyes open, we know very well that partnership will always have its highs and lows. Well, at least I do. I do know that marriage is a gamble. We can swore to eternity but tomorrow can be another story altogether. Marriage is like a share market too, has it ups and downs. Ours are like...I don't know. If I take it like a share market, I am hoping for high days as it has been so down since I can remember.

Where did we go wrong? I can cry thinking about this. I know it was good to begin with. There is time I feel like there's nothing else matters to you but me. I haven't felt like that for a long,long while.

Yes I have flaws. The one that I know of that is. Union of 2 persons can certainly change the being of one. I remember I was fun loving, I remember I was happy and I certainly remember that (ni I lah rasa) that we love each other madly.

Ae we destined to be as doomed as this? Is there somewhere written in the air that marriage are suppose to be good for the 1st 2 years? No, I don't believe so. We contributed to that. If marriage is bad then, we are bad.

Silence in our case is not golden. It kills. Maybe you enjoyed it. I don't know. Lot's of things that I don't know anymore. I don't know where I stand or still standing for that matter. Sometimes I do admire the fact that you think being quiet is better. When there's nothing nice to say better say nothing at all. I would have adopt that rationale if you are suffering from schizophrenia as I would be worry for my life if I crossed you. Because you don't talk, I don't know what is wrong with us, with you, with me and with everything. Because you don't talk...fact of the matter is, I don't know you. If there's nothing wrong with us, you, me and everything...I wonder what is right with us, you, me and everything.

Yes, we have talked. Because I decided that. I want to die trying. Kalau nak tunggu you, memang tak ada...begrudgingly I have to spell what I think is wrong...not because I am a fucking bitch, it is because I don't know what is right.It wasn't easy because I love you. Love made people do things and took them out of their comfort zone.

Yes, it turned out...to you, so many things was wrong. I sat there listening to your lists of my wrongdoing.

Yes, love turned people stupid too. I sat through it. Truth of the matter is, I was shock. I was sad. I was sad because knowing that I had tried my best, maybe not at level best, none of them stood out to you. It is just like I never did anything good.

So yes, I was and I am wrong. To you. My being is apparently your fate. If I tell people I am sure they will laugh...at me and you too. But what do people know about us eh?

Speaking about your ill gotten fate make me realised my fate too.

Yes, I have resigned to the fact that between us, I am good at maths and I remember all the important dates in advance so that I can calculate the best timing to send you cards, cakes etc on your birthdays and our anniversary. I have also accepted my fate that you have amnesia...the selective one that is, because the only dates that seems to get muddled up in your diary are those about me.

Also, I accepted my fate that you thinks others are better than me. Tak apa...maybe you don't want me to get drunk silly with all the compliments.

I think..ada kot few fate...but let me ask my sumber yang boleh dipercayai dulu ye?

Okay. In case you don't know, all your doings constitutes emotional abuse. (Mestilah I tau kan..kalau dah kerja Social Services dekat 11 tahun...tak reti2 gak, patutlah I berenti aje)

In case you don't notice, between us, I am the bigger person...err, hypothetically..because it has always been me who grovel for an apology when things goes wrong.. When I think back...I don't even know what I apologised for. Nak tunggu you? Negara 4 musim to you sama saja. You never say anything. If the weather is cold..you diam. Panas pun you diam..salji, hujan , daun luruh pun you diam. Boxing Day sale aje you bising nak keluar rumah (ehh..) Ohhh...thats another of my takdir.

What is next? This time around...I want to tell you what I want, for a change. Because all this time, dalam pada you tak bercakap tu, believe you and me, menggunakan kepakaran telepathy I, I cuba gak nak membahagiakan you. But still I got it wrong.

I want us to be a proper couple. Maybe its too much to ask you to love me head over heels. You never bother to nurture the love (ye lah..kalau dok I aje yang dok tersendeng2 bagi you hadiah, initiate macam2...boleh blah lah kalau you nak amik credit kan?)

Most married couple I know don't love each other madly. To last that long they tolerated each other and learn to live with one another. There maybe small amount of love...but hey, I can live with small amount dari takde langsung. At this stage, small love would be suffice. Trust and respect is more important.

You have given me the lists of what I done wrong. Now its my turn. It is not your wrong that I want to dwell on. Buang masa.What good would it do to you, methinks, if I keep harping on your bad value?

After all the episodes of pocong kesetanan...there are still things that I love about you and for that I remain, optimistic. You may be too proud to realise that I do, dotes on your quality traits. I even wrote about them. Too bad, I was never good enough to be your bff. You have never given me a chance for that.

As easy as the the say, patah tumbuh hilang berganti...although kedai2 alat gantian ada dimana-mana especially kat Bandar Puchong Jaya, all married couple must remain optimistic with their choice. Kalau tak banyak pun sikit. Siapa yang taknak till death do us part, kan? I am sure Ogy and Eman, or current laki Pasah Sandak did the same promise in the beginning. But we are not them.

I have list too. But it is nothing you can't handle...only if us that you want still.

Let's be a proper couple. I think we both know what 'proper' means. At our age I hope I don't have to spell it to you. There are so many things we can do with our lives and we need to have a happy based.

However if you still think that my demand err, reword...request is ludicrous, I really have nothing else to say to you.

Sekian,

Pecah kaca pecah gelas....sudah baca, harap balas.

Esah



Sent from my iPad

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Life Is A Drama 2 (ext)

I amat busy uolsss. Udah udah la menyindir gaya pesbuk okayy...I ni bukannya kerja gomen Malaya yang boleh balik kerja on time. Nak nak lepas balik holiday ni lagi la kerja melambak.

So, I got drama number two dan pelakon utama nya ialah calon PHD cawangan West England tu yang juga suatu ketika dahulu satu sekolah dgn I.

Kisahnya...dia masuk spital. Stress related problem. Elehhh...might you want to know apa kaitan dia masuk spital dgn I, kan? Memang takde apa2.

Tapi...ropanya si pocong kesetanan tu telah mengkhabarkan pada pihak spital yang I adalah ICE nya. Well, semenjak London dilanggar garuda, pihak berwajib telah memperkenalkan ICE code untuk ditaruk dlm mobile phone. The contact dlm phone book you yg set set penting perlulah di add ICE sebelah nama mereka untuk memudahkan para penyelamat mengontact mereka -In Case if Emergency.

So by now you can guess apa yang telah dibuat oleh pocong kesetanan tu. Maka telephone rumah I telah dipenuhi message dari A&E, yg I pulak masa balik Malaya tu hari pi divert call mobile gi ke phone rumah I.

Menyirap darah I dicampur malu dgn kawan2 satu rumah dek perbuatan dia. Secara tak langsung hosmet I ingat I ada hubungan sulit dgn tah sesapa padahal baru je berpoya poya cam naharrom dgn MC.

The message was abt 2 weeks old and here I am, hoping for whatever reason dia masuk spital he should by now already mampos!

I am still thinking if I should ring him...

Trust that Kiah will say..tepon lah..tepon lah..sebab dia dahagan cerita-cerita sensasi. Truth be told, yes I did called him. Because the message was heard by someone else first before me, and nak mengcover kemaluan I yang terkantoi..I actually called him the moment we heard that message from some paramedic who attended him.

Dia dengan ceria nya menjawab call I dengan..hello stranger. Waddafark sangat kan bunyik nya? I went straight to the point (given I got audience at the time of the call, lagilah I gigih nak menunjuk kemarahan I) and asked him...

The paramedic called...you were in A&E. Why am I your point of contact in case of emergency?! Do you want to tell me what you are playing at?!

Amboii...don't you want to ask how am I?

No.

Okay lah, kalau you tak suka...

I am not your next of kin..so don't give out my number. Don't mess about with things like this. I don't even know your family. Don't make me responsible for you.

Sorry lah..don't mean to menyusahkan you...

Your antic is really draining my t**s, I don't have time for this. We are not friends before and the way you behave, I don't even want to be your friends. You really can go die.

Ada lagi benda yang I cakap..but kalau I tulis, nanti you all terperanjat lah pulak. But I will tell Kiah.

I hang up..setelah I maki hamun dia...I made sure I speak fast because he would usually hang up dulu jantan pocong setan lahanat tu.

****aksi-aksi gun blowing after shooting****

Sekian.



Sent from Samsung Galaxy III

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Life Is A Drama Part 1

Berblogging gaya blekberi yang cinonit tu adalah sangat payah dan tidak menjanjikan kepuasan nafsu yang maksimum. Ditambah pula servis tenet Malaya yang rata-rata macam...entahlah. Tatau nak cakap. There are certain things yang I rasa Malaya adalah sangat maju dari UK. Kedai makan 24 jam. Err..bukan tu aje..banyak lagi but you know lah, motivasi kita kan makan, makan dan makan? And for that, saya bangga menjadik orang Malaya.

Okay...umum (Kiah aje lah kott) mengetahui yang I jugak berpotensi menjadi drama queen. Thing is, I pick and choose kat siapa I nak tunjuk perangai. And must god forgive me, I tend to do it to my Amma.

Since I menjadi anak yatim, akak yatim dan adik yatim, I have made more effort than usual with her. I know I should not even mention this, yelah dengan mak sendiri...menjadi anak yang baik adalah tanggungjawab yang wajib not something that need 'effort'. But I will ask not be blamed. My Amma was a careerwoman and she has a overbearing husband who just know how to ask for things. She barely had time for herself.

Looking back, if I am her, I am thankful for anak yang tak banyak songeh. I get things that given to me, I do as I told and if I am upset, I be quiet, sulk a little (ptuihhh menipu) and moved on. I am so not like her eldest who always, always made a big drama in every little things and of course the more drama you made, the more distinguish your existence be.

So yes, I have since making quite a bit of a drama with Amma. But instead of bersiaran depan-depan dia, I aired my drama through my sister who will then, repeat it to her beserta dialog-dialog ad lib lagi.

Like....I complained to my sister that Amma is always abrupt with me over the telephone. Of course I am upset...weihhh, anak mieww telepon berjuta batu jauhnya and not to mention the cost of the phone calls. The drama of me mulalah mengadu to my sister yang pada suatu masa I visited her and she was sleeping, cakap dgn I macam terlampau ngantuk sangat but dalam pada ngantuk2 tu, anakanda sorang lagi telepon lantas boleh pulak dia borak macam orang tak ngantuk, leaving me thinking...eh, adakah aku ni anak angkat? My over the sea status tidak kah membawa makna? Drama ke tak drama tu, Kiah?

Then of course as the one who lives over the sea, I always come home bearing gifts. This time I have got many courtesy of 90kg baggage allowance. So off I went and see her with the gifts and to cut the story short, I ended up feeling like a waste of space.Because I went and visited her with some friends tagging along, I asked my friends if they think Amma liked my gifts. Because I certainly did not get the impression that she does. Of course bila hati dah merajuk, orang cakap positive cemana pun kita tak berapa nak dengar lah sangat, kan?

Amma lost her first born recently. And she has been sad since then. We lost our adik and Appa, but her sadness is diminutive compared to the demise of anakku Sazali. Bad, bad me. I have tried my best to cheer her up. It saddens me to see her sad. But of course after a while when I am 'ignored' the drama starts to kicks in. Maka terkeluarlah statement...kalau I le yang mati, sure dia tak sedih cam ni kannn?

Maka aku pun terus di sound oleh adik I yang juga mak orang...eh kau, mak mana yang tak sayang kat anak! But what I said was meant to be a lighhearted joke. But I do mean it deep.

So yes...sebagai anak durhaka yang tak mau kalah, I decided that, tak apalah. Effort sebesau rumah orang kaya kat Glenmarie Residence tu pun tak akan memberi impak kat Amma lantas, effort I pun kembali la ke size sediakala. And keputusan mengurangkan siaran drama telah disampaikan pada adik I.

Before I balik UK tu hari, I visited her. I insisted my other sisters to join me so that atmosphere dalam rumah tu takdelah tension you could set fire to it. Ye lah, kalau I dgn Amma aje, memang I will sit in one corner and she will watch TV.

But she was different this time round and more chatty. I think she must have excited to see her cucus (tetap nihh) and not me. But all was good. On my way back to MC's, I told my sister that Amma look pleased to see me today. And ropanya adik I dah telephone dia before that and bagitau her that I actually sudah merajuk and think that she is only an anak angkat because you dont talk to her. My sister sort of warned her that she (my Amma) should be worry if I dah merajuk because knowing me, I will just vanished.

Errr...err..errr. Thanks heaven I takde anak. I so do not want to be in this situation with my own.