About Me

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Smells Like Cologne

Bengang nak mampus punya pasal,after dapat a very good deal from Germanwings (airline ala-ala EasyJet) I pun terbanglah ke Cologne, diiringi oleh dayang-dayang yang juga tak boleh terbang ke mana-mana for their Xmas holiday (hajat hati they all nak ke Aberdeen tapi tak lepas nak terbang dek kabus tebal) Kesian pulak tengok si Ketot yang muka masam tak boleh terbang ke Scotland, so I pun offer if dia nak ikut sekali.Memandangkan dia pun dah double,kenalah ajak si other half kan? Maka kami ber3 terus bungkus beg dan dipagi-pagi hari Boxing Day,I pun bawaklah kereta dalam kegelapan M25 and M11 tu ke Stansted Airport.Pikir-pikir, it work out cheaper that way.Nak naik taxi will cost £65.Nanti balik pun will be about the same money jugak (mahal taxi dari flight ticket you...) Parking pun tak mahal sangat and nanti nak balik tak payah pikir nak cari taxi bagai.

It was an early flight, 7.50 am and it took about an hour to get to Cologne.Sesampai aje kat sana,the makcik's decided to naik taxi ke hotel rather than to explore on German's public transport.Ikutlah.Habis dekat 30 Euros.The taxi driver was so cheeky that he decided to keep the change until Cikki dengan ganasnya meminta 'Can I have my change please....' baru terkodek-kodek dia korek pocket dia pulangkan change weols. We stayed at City Hotel Storch, yang terletaknya 15 minutes walking distance from the heart of Cologne. Hotel ni dalam gambar website memang vast gila.For 25 Euro per person and with easy reach to town, we shouldn't complaint hard. In fact, after living in England for a good 13 years now, I should'nt expect the hotel to be the KL 4 stars standard.Even bilik kucing lagi besar dari Hilton Kensington punya bilik.Unless if you're willing to pay more than £200 pounds.Kalau tidak, tumpanglah tidur rumah kengkawan yang baik-baik hati. (Tak sabarnya nak tumpang tidur rumah Aina tu...)

We arrived at the hotel at 11am and was greeted by the owner who was hiding in his back office when he was doing nothing.He was huge,he look like that Rambo Chin guy in that 'Jangan Ketawa' sitcom siap dengan spec bulat dia.Tersemput-semput dia organising kami punya registration.That big.Our room was at the attic yang tersangatlah sejuknya.After settled down, mulalah kami berjalan-jalan cari makan pasal Cikki dah complaint kelaparan.Maka berjalanlah kami kehaluan kiri (pandai-pandai aje) Puas bertanya orang kiri kanan mana letaknya McDonalds.Kesudahannya berjalanlah kami sejauh 2 miles demi nak cari McDonalds.We keep on walking until 3.00 pm and armed with the map provided by that Rambo man.We bought kebab for dinner.Sampai pening-pening I makan that kebab.The kebab seller refuse to speak English so cakaplah banyak mana pun you tak mau dia taruk bawang, diorang tetap taruk bawang mentah tu berkoyan-koyanlah banyaknya.

Cologne is a very nice City.I was there once couple of years ago but the trip was too short to appreciate almost anything.This time I waste no time but to keep walking and walking.We combed through the shopping area and looking around.It was nice.But I wish I was with my partner.I keep getting text from England asking where I was.I have no idea that I have left Frankie worried sick (mind you, bila bergaduh, my famous favourite line would be 'I'm leaving now...leaving the country blah..blah...'. Me being a foreigner suka benar buat ugutan-ugutan murahan tu.So, when I texted Frankie back saying that I'm not in the country and will call you back,mulalah orang tu nak nervous breakdown.Jahatkan I?

Anyway,still very tired from the trip and a little traumatised by the flight...yeah...honest truth, I tak pernah naik kapal terbang kecik-kecik (hamboi..bongkaknya) On my way back to London, the weather must have been so windy that it shaken the plane when it was taking off.Ada pompuan kat belakang I sampai menjerit dek ketakutan.I was trying hard not to look terrified but berpeluh-peluh jugak dek takut.When looking back,I have had worst experienced than that,tapi tak pulak menggigil-gigil takut begitu sekali.

Well, anyway, I hope you all will have a wonderful new year.I'm not sure what is my plan as it will be coincide with Raya Haji.Rasa bersalah pulak nak berbubble-bubble bagai malam-malam korban ni.I took some photograph while browsing around town and yes, I did nipped by 'Java Haus' yang direcommend oleh Lee Novotny itu.Nak terkoyak perut dek makan banyak sangat.I also come across a pub called 'Bastard' and some German thingy of which I find interesting.

I would like to back up Aina's plight to save Noel (mengada sungguh kau Noel!!!) blogpage. Like her, I grew very fond of the people that I come across in the blogsphere,so bila ada yang mengada-ngada nak tutup blog ni,kenalah tolong pujuk-pujuk jangan tutup.Alaaa..Noel, bukannya kedai nak tutup-tutup.Kesianlah kat kami yang comel-comel ni.

I would also like to welkam-wanakam Goddess Selene yang baru bukak kedai tu.I dah singgah tapi belum bagi restu lagi.Well, I will do it soon sayang.

Have a nice day all.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Xmas All

Merry Xmas everyone.To my love,to my friends,my colleagues,my clients,my neighbours,my employers (plural),my in laws and my piles.

As I did not get any better offer from anyone by 12am last night,I decided to stay in my jimjams dengan tak mandi,tak gosok gigi and writing this post.I like to imagine people around me having fun (as they should) and I, trying to have fun too,in the way I try to figure out how.Well, I would have thought that I will be with my love from Saturday and ripping of our Xmas presents to each other today.But like we always does,we brought ourselves in a heated conversation and in the end,I was asked not to come.I am so thankful that I delivered the card and birthday present weeks ago and so,however trivial the pergaduhan is,I have done my part for Xmas.Save myself from dikutuk oleh my in laws...sure lah diorang akan tanya,mana I pagi-pagi Xmas ni.My partner will willingly mengadu to them and again,I'm the bad,bad one.Tak kuasa.

I kill my time follow Lou & Liza around to deliver presents to her families and makan mince pies.They're such nice people.I got a presents from them too.It's like a bargain thinking that apart from being their daughter's/sister's flatmate,I bear no lawful relationship with them.Maybe they kesian becos I terkonteng-konteng seorang diri.While Liza is so gatal to scout for a new Land Rover to replace her Mini,(alasannya? Kesian kat I dengan Lou yang selalu kaki tersangkut bila nak keluar from back seat...boleh percaya ke alasan from a compulsive shopper cam tu?) I can't help feeling sorry for myself.On the journey out and about yesterday,I can't stop thinking about F.I wonder why things are so bad now.How we had survived all this years (pergaduhan is not our benda baru) and now little things can kill.I guessed that we do that 'sweep things under the rug' a lot before and for some reason not willing to do it now.I sweep the dirt a lot and hide it.I tend to question plenty things now and realised,there is so many things that is not good.

*** Why can't you come and visit me? You know that I'm not well.Don't you want to be friends with my friends? ***(Why should I? They're bunch of fuckers....sampai hati)
***I celebrate Xmas with you,why can't you do the same during the Eid? ***(Why should I? This is not a Muslim country...celakababisial)

I have been talking about F a lot in my therapy.I was asked to keep an open mind about it.After many,many sessions still, keep an open mind about it.I have counselled few people who were unaware that their relationship problems are similar to mine.Some can hate their lovers guts to bits but can't bear the thought of living without them.The best thing to do is to change the attitude.But you can only change you.You can change people.Most of the time you think that they the one that need changing.You have done this,you have done that.There's something about your partner that must change to make things work better.You can tolerate bad behaviour (I have tolerated swearing...) but after a while, you can see that you fitting into them is alienating you from what you use to.

I have my share of quick bad tempered that can easily ignited when I am being annoyed.Some people will let go.I will too,depend on who's annoying.My headstrong tactics sometimes doesn't help.I am convinced that I contributed 75% to my marriage problems.Jahat kan?

As I have lived essentially alone for many years,I should have liked to be attached to someone that loves me so much.I do.When I'm there,I was treated like the love one.Coffees done, and yes to toasted peanut butter sandwich.There is such comfort.But I can always see that there is always going to be two different people wanting two different things.I have started to question my capability.It seems like I can't bear to coincide and making effort way too much.People say it is never too late.I think it is way,way too late.

A male friend from school who use to be buaya besar during his zaman-zaman kegemilangan came by to see me to pass on his Xmas present to me last Friday.I noticed his Xmas card was signed by both Joe&Mindy.I asked him, who is 'Mindy'? This once upon a time handsome man (with bapak orang putih and malay mum) gladly told me that Mindy is the fiancee. When I first bumped into him couple of years ago, he was still a serial dater.Same when we were in school.He hantar surat 'berkenalan' to few of the girls in my class,went out with them couple of weeks and putus.He was my 'abang angkat' in school but funnily, I never called abang like other junior girls addressing the senior boys.He was so good looking that I remember having crushes (yes, plural) but manalah Richie Riccardo lookalike will notice ugly girl like me? He will of course go for the type of girl that in old malay movies will be the anak ketua kampung yang menjadi rebutan teruna-teruna desa.The jambu type.At 36,he is now ready to settle down.What ever happened to all the anak ketua kampung that he dated?

Speaking of making commitment,male motivation is endlessly fascinating to me.Been engaged twice,been proposed to 4 times (of 2 which I had accepted and married to one).I asked Joe how he knew Mindy was the one (filtered from 6 truck askar). Joe told me about his dates to many amazing women who were wife material but he just looked at Mindy one day and thought, 'Now I'm ready'.I think this is true of a lot of men; it's about a right place, right time which isn't terribly romantic.Often you go out with a man and start to feel insecure because the relationship's not progressing and, as a woman, you think because you are not good enough.Most of the time, it is nothing to do with you.They're just not ready.This may as well happen to a woman.

Was I ready? I don't date a lot though.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Bad Feeling

I was in this conversation with my client today about him doing some growing up.From a child to an adult.Psychologically.The thing with Social Services in the Uk is that an infant to 16years old,if placed in care will be classified under Children Services.Age 16 to 65 should go under Adult Services and after that,nursing home for the 'kertus' lah sambil menunggu appointment dengan Funeral Director lah kira-kiranya.

The thing started when we asked him to pack his bag for his Xmas holiday (thank god dia akan berambus for a good 2 weeks) and he was rather hysterical when we asked him to pack his toiletries.Katanya everything will be provided at his foster parents.My client ni ada issue sikit pasal spending money.Haji Bakhil gittew.Kalau pergi shopping, he will opt for the Tesco Value item (the things that will not cost him more than 30p or less) rather than Tesco Finest.Beli toiletries pun yang cekai-cekai brand.Punyalah taknak spend money for good things that can make him smells rather better than sewage pond (Ya Allah, bau ketiak...bangkai tikus pun wangi) In the end, I made changes in his care plan.We prompt him to get nicer things for his age,better foods,better clothes and better toiletries.It was a battle tapi,atas kepakaran I ber 'argue', the Care Management seems to see my point of view.When packing today, he seems to think that he don't need to carry his toiletries bag,as all will be provided by his foster parents.He already trying to get out of buying them a meal for a good Xmas gesture by making excuse that they rather eat a home cooked meal.Kedekut..kedekut.I was at the end of my tether keep trying to make him see sense why he need to pack the toiletries bag starting from he is not a child anymore where he must now take responsibility of his own making sure he has enough intimate things when travelling and whereby when we generally visits people house eventhough they are our family, we must not expect people to cater everything.In the end sebab dah ada audience (clients lain) terpaksalah I pakai kuasa veto...I'm not having anymore conversation about your toiletries with you.Pack them in your bag.Doesn't matter if you're going to use it or not.Is that clear? Dia angguk.Tapi masih tak bergerak.Am I talking to myself? Dia pun terus...okay and terus masuk bilik.After 5 minutes,from my office I terdengar dia making phone call to his foster dad,complaint to him that I paksa dia pack his toiletries.I marched straight to him and 'Let me speak to him'.Hah...terkebil-kebil dia tengok I cakap dengan bapak angkat dia.When finished,haruslah aku jadi Best Speaker Pidato Piala Perdana (sayangkan...MRSM tak qualify...kalau tak harus jadi juara every year...sebab ramainya pemidato yang suka berpropaganda dalam surau tu, cisss ...Ibadat ke Gossip?) I tell you, kenkadang I selalu lupa yang I kerja dengan orang yang betul-betul tak paham bahasa.I cakap kat dia...You are unbelievably ridiculous.Which part of not talking about it again that you don't understand? You want to argue about your toiletries? What is the matter with you? Am I not making sense at all? Dia pun jawab 'yeah..a bit'.Aku dengan kasarnya 'Yes or No?' Dia pun terkebil-kebil..yes.Aku dengan sarcasm yang diimport dari kahwin dengan orang putih 'Who else are you calling after this to complaint? Tony Blair? Terus dia gelak....(aku lah yang habis energy)

It was unprofessional of me to marah-marah like that but you know,when you have extra growth in between your anus that annoyingly painful and the thickness of the fog that didn't seem to want to die down,sometimes you can't cage your annoyance any longer than you should.Without him knowing (sebab dia takde social skill) I try to make up by chatting to him in car all the way to Essex today.Suddenly I feel like a parent telling my little boy how I want things to be good for him.Pikir-pikir balik, when I was younger after dimarah dek my father, tak pernah pulak dia buat session slow talk macam tu.It was always my mother who will use the session dalam kereta (tak boleh escape,kang mati pulak jatuh keluar kereta) who will keep on 'Ibu and Abah sayang kat XXXX ..pasaltu lah kena marah...nak XXXX jadi orang elok-elok bila besar'.Bukannya Ibu Abah benci....dong deng dong deng....campur dengan sejarah silam they all yang baik dengan parents they all (ye ke? How will I know? I wasn't even been born) By the way XXXX bukan ayat carut,but my nickname yang I tak nak publish kat uols.

I look at today,I regret not spending a loving daugther mother relationship with my mother...and always see myself as anak Abah yang garang itu.The amount of psychoteraphy that I had enough to make me forgive and regret what I missed.Bila I balik recently when my mother drop me off at the station, I climb the co pilot seat to give her a hug,something that I was too shy too do for a long,long time.Budak yang I marah tu dahlah kena put into care dari kecik,dah lah ada birth defect yang dia sendiri tak paham, aku yang 'pandai' (bolehlah) ni pulak yang takde perasaan.

I have no intention to be a parent,pasalnya I am this very conventional person who wanted a mum and dad to form a reliable partnership to mendidik anak.I'm not at all good in giving and sharing.Camana nak form a good partnership? The incident only to prove betapa tak layaknya I jadi parent.

I'm going to bed feeling shitty as usual.My judgement was badly clouded by the stupid fog.Well,as usual,I will talk myself out of it.I usually does.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

3 Things In A Day

A View From A Bus Stop Near My Office. Goalpost Pun Blurry.

I was on a 267 bus today (motif berjalan-jalan dalam keadaan burit sengsara?) with baby Sam.Well,I agreed to help to collect him from his nursery today as his mummy cannot get out from work at all.Lagipun,I bought his mummy a Xmas present so macam cantiklah if I have access to their house today to letak that present under their Xmas tree.Bila dah ada baby dalam dukungan,I seem to get a better reception on the bus.People are especially nicer to those with babies.Mine (ciss..mine lah kunun) was in that baby harness thingy where the baby was attached to me.So,adalah makcik-pakcik that was already seated on their priority seats,stand up and gave me their seat.How nice.My heart whispers 'Alahai Atuk...I lagi kuat berdiri dari Atuk'...but I really admire his courtesy. So,duduklah I sebelah bini Atuk yang berdiri tu tadi.Baby Sam is naturally a smiley baby and he smiles at everyone who smiles at him.Pity I can't publish his photos.Sam is a special baby to his parents.Dia ada abang yang ada genetic condition and he was designed to help his abang.The process of 'making' baby Sam was so expensive that his parents kena travel ke Europe to scan their 'benih'.Designer baby lah ni so his identity is strictly protected.

This makcik told me that Sam got lovely blue eyes (which is so true) and got blonde hair.She went and ask 'So, he follow his Daddy then?' and I dengan bongoknya jawab 'I should think so'...tanpa menyedari yang Makcik ni thought that Sam is mine.Makcik went again and asked 'So you married an Englishman?' and that put me into the core and I suddenly realised what I just realised.Well, at this point,it is way too late to tell her the whole story (of which really unnecessary unless this Makcik is a massive penyibuk in West London) and I decided to go along with her thought.I was so lucky that I have approached my stop and that my little white lies does not have to travel far.But before I get up,Makcik made a point to tell me that she is a foreigner too.Motif Makcik tu bagitau I that piece of information? Tuhan ajelah yang tahu.But it was fun.But Sam is far orang putih's look than being a mixed race baby.Glamour sungguh I hari ni.


As Ketot & Lou nak berambus gi berkrismas kat Aberdeen tomorrow,we thought that it will be fun if we open our Xmas present malam ni.I told them yesterday I nak belanja them Pizza and while makan-makan Pizza,we all bolehlah membukak prezzies-prezzies tu.So,at 5.00pm just now,I hopped on the 267 bus again to Twickenham High Street to beli Pizza.I called the house to check if they were both in, manalah tau kalau-kalau depa tu keluar.Ketot told me that Lou baru blah to send her car over to her mum's and Ketot need to pick her up later.So I suggested that Ketot pick me up from the High Street and then we travel to Bedfont (adalah 2 miles from Twickenham) with the Pizza so that we can makan-makan with her mum.So I walked into this shop called 'Village Pizza' yang direcommend dek my boss.I tried the Pizza at the children's party and I just loved it.Mind you,I not a pizza person unless kalau dah desperate gila and that pizza seems to be last meal in that shop maka I kenalah makan pizza itu.I thought the pizza was delicious and it would be nice if all 3 of us makan bersama.I pun orderlah 3 kotak large pizza, since nak bawak kerumah mak Lou tu.I pun fikir that orang putih ni suka makan pizza so kalau beli banyak pun nanti akan habis juga.The man that took the order cakap omputih berterabur that I feel so insecure about my pizza.I keep telling him no pork,no salami no pepperoni bagai...dia macam faham at first but asked me the exact question again and again.The ordering bit took a good 10 minutes pasal dia tak paham-paham apa I cakap.In the end, I speak his terms and finally got it right...yeah..yeah..chickinnn....no pig...vegetarian..spicy...no pig again and again.Tak pitam kau? I decided to hang around in that shop as it was so foggy outside sampai nak lintas jalan pun takut dilanggar bas.It was so cold that I suspect salji nak turun malam ni.If Twickenham can be this cold,how is it in the north tu? Tak beku taik hidung orang-orang kat sana? Unfortunately there was this obnoxious Jamaican man yang sama pulak mengorder pizza dengan I.It's either he is drunk or truly perangai buruk.He was so loud talking on his mobile...siap dengan aksi-aksi ganas lak tu.Tu baru argue over the phone tu,kalau gaduh in person, main tembak-tembak kot.Ghetto habis lah tu...yeah mannn...fuckin' this that..you madafaka this that...chill man...kissing his teeth...He kept making so much noise complaining that the pizza took such a long time to bake...(eh bang,nak cepat makan Mc D lah)

I think after 1/2 hour, Pizza I pun ready lah for collection.Terperanjat beruk I ada 6 kotak besar.I pun cakaplah, I ordered 3 and that Mamat said 'Ohh..buy 1 get 1 free'.Tapi apasal tak cakap? Mamat Ghetto Obnoxious ni nak buat joke bangang pulak dengan I cakap..Ohh mann..are eating that lot?'.I was so annoyed earlier with his vulgar language and replied calmly to him 'Oh..I hope you're not going to have a problem with that'.Hah..diam dia.I asked the Pizza man if they have a bag for me to put in that pizza boxes and that guy flashed me a small carrier bag enough to put a Diet Coke can in.Sahlah bangang.I pon cakap 'It's okay' and blah.Merasalah aku macam pompuan buruk lantak bawak 6 kotak Pizza size large across Twickenham.Nasib baik hari berkabus tebal.Tu pun ada jugak suara-suara sumbang yang mengusik 'Wow..can I have one?' I bantai senyum aje.Kalau kat KL siaplak org.Melayu perli..amboi kak, kuat makan nampak...kenduri ke kak oi..like that. Adalah 5 minutes I tunggu Liza datang. Kesudahannya, ada 6 kotak pizza and 5 people.At this time of post,ada 2 kotak lagi yang akan dibuat breakfast,lunch and dinner besok.

Liza & Lou still tak tau if they will be permitted to fly tomorrow as British Airways dah cancelled flight for the last 2 days with 20,000 people stranded.They have to continually check on the internet and call.Nasib baik Heathrow sebelah rumah.


Trouble sleeping? Well, when you think to much and your anxiety can't rest that will cause insomnia. I'm not sure what to suggest because we can't stop worrying.It is hard to not to worry.Nak pergi dating or pergi pre planned shopping pun boleh merisaukan. I have had cases where people suffering from insomnia because there were too traumatised by day. This kind of people that seems to think that night is so peaceful that they want to enjoy rather than a hot busy daylights.Another case is night time is where your mind is less busy and that seems to allow more space for impending worries. Kalau siang sibuk kerja or more distraction (you seems to get more distraction in the day compare to the dark) and when dark arrives,your distraction disperse and psychologically emptied your mind.This automatically invites unwanted worries...especially family and money.

How I deal with it? Well, create an ad hoc solution for the problems. When my passport was at the home office, I was sicked with wories. Ye lah, being a foreigner kan? It is always either 'dapat' or 'tak approve' or 'kena panggil interview'. It is easy for people to say..ahhh..don't think about it...nothing bad will happen..so on..so forth..but, try telling that to yourself lah. Dalam tak nak worry, worry lah jugak. What I did after penat merisaukan diri is to end it with 'Ah..lantaklah...if I don't get it I will.........(whatever my decision will be)....I think, by creating a quick solution for time being, you will be doing your anxiety a favour. It will go down and then you will be able to rest.

Try lah. If this is your case.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Irritable Tales

I honestly think that I don't have any sense of vanity in here.Maybe it is because what you are reading right now is something that I type that came from my thought that I not necessarily share or tell people in person.Some of it is vile. But as this feeling orbit round my brain and will certainly drive me gila in the end if I don't let it out from my damn thought. Siapa-siapa yang squimish tu, blah lah ye...kang tak lalu makan pulak or termimpi-mimpi. Mana yang tak cukup umur, sila dapatkan nasihat ibubapa sebelum membaca....manalah tau, tengah-tengah tension ni, macam-macam ayat yang berunsur carutan boleh keluar.Mama Irdina, sila tutup mata anakmu yang comel itu sambil menyanyi lagu-lagu Raihan.

Macam ni, dah dekat seminggu,my back passage (alahai..bagusnya bahasa..) sudah buat hal.Ni semua gara-gara malas minum air, makan makanan yang kurang bahan fibre (apa pulak..yang aku tarah Fruit & Nuts Cereal pepagi tu hapa?) and tak makan sayur.Hasilnya,I struggle in passing stools and membuatkan lubang juburku sakit amat-amat.Macam cilako!!! Sakit ni datang dah pergi.Tiap-tiap malam sebelum tidur and selepas warning kat Ketot jangan masuk kebilikku tanpa mengetuk terlebih dahulu, I will sodomised my own bum with suppositories.Tiap-tiap malam you.I have been reading the medication fact sheet macam baca bank statement,tengok betul-betul and make sure I don't miss any important bits of the correct way to apply that thingy onto my bontot.And of course,I have been sleeping face down and bum up.

Yang sungguh I heran, selalunya si Cik Piles tu, lepas ditutuh dengan suppositories and cream-cream jubs,akan subsised lah.Habis-habis irritable pun 2 hari camtu.Tapi kali ni,rocket kecik tu dah hari-hari masuk kedalam,Cik Piles tu tak jugak surut-surut, in fact, mencanak-canak lah pulak ke 'swell' an nya.I tell you,sakitnya...plus the sakit hati that developed from it.Yelah,it is like tumbuh pimple in your telinga sampai tidur pun susah or menstruating pain...duduk tak kena, bangun tak kena..Sure is making you homicidal.Habislah kucing anjing nak dicekik.Mesti RSPCA akan cari I lepas ni.

In the end, I assumed that my 'Anusol' brand tak jalan,I pon belilah 'Germaloid' punya spray (tak sangka pulak this remedy available in a such method) Ni pun atas nasihat Miss South Africa (my colleague yang ku hambat menjadi drebar hari ni hantar I sana-sini,punyalah tak larat nak jalan) Miss South Africa ni rupa-rupa ada similar problem suatu ketika dedolu, and bantai promote this spray gila-babi dengan I.So,I pun belilah satu.So, hari ni tadi, puaslah I sppritttt....spppritttt....

Mintak-mintak mujarabbi lah.First 3 hours, sakit ya amat.Sampai big boss I tanya I okay ke (yelah..duduk senget-senget dalam meeting) Bila I balik rumah tadi,sebab tak tahan sakit,I pun makanlah pain killer.Masih irritable tapi kurengg bisa lah.Tapi bengkak masih tak surut.

I bukannya apa uols, disamping tiadanya rasa malu...well, bila sudah sakit...segala deria rasa pun hilang.Maybe next week,after everything is okay (I hope, I pray) barulah nak pikir mana nak sorok muka ni...kat Dublin lah kot.

I risau satu aje,asam-asam I dah habis....ni tension-tension ni, ada pulak asam orang lain yang kena makan.As I said before, deria rasa sudah hilang....ni sah lah takde perasaan ni.

Doakan lah saya....and doakanlah kesejahteraan barang-barang makan Lee ittew.

P/s...Siapa nak mai lepak rumah I? Makcik 2 ekor tu takde rumah from Friday ni until boxing day.Merasalah aku dok sensorang.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Heroes & Villains

Apart from the people that I work with, the other only person that seems interested in what I do for a living is someone that happened to go to the same UNI as me,now a successful solicitor,happily married to another solicitor (takde orang lain ke?) with a kid and just recently resumed contact with me via internet.Ohpocotmakhang...she stumbled upon my blog,she recognised the writing style and send me an email of enquiry.And I replied to set herself right.Naib baiklah tak ada cerita-cerita saucy dalam my posting and I will be mistaken as Mona Gersang author.This shy lady (dulu la) pernah bersama-sama with me working in NCUK magazine team as a ahli sidang redaksi (anybody knows what is sidang redaksi in English?)

I wish to set the story or expectation straight...majority of those who reads my blog think that I'm an human analyst.I fix the disturbed and mend the troubled.Tak betul.Human being is something another human can't fix and mend.I have a industrial varieties of background.Legal,banking,airlines,entertainment and the hotel.In those years, neither that I have mend nor fixing people,apart from myself,if I want to be considered fixed.Life lesson is all about do it and prompt.We do what we learn and prompt ourselves not to repeat mistakes.I don't do that thing where they ask you to lay yourself on the couch and start talking your shit.My life is shit as it is and I don't think I can take yours.

What I do is....life-coaching on a regular basis and pay, intensive therapeutic emotional care to a specific individual who are unable to reach out, also on regular pay and interpreting cognitive understanding of certain behavior (on voluntary to accumulate clinical hours) I have a title for that,tapi sungguh benci to address myself as one as it is merely elephant.Sialan pay.But because I am such a cheap date, my self maintenance is not exorbitantly high.I hardly go out on leisure because once upon a time,I 'leisured' enough.My vice is always CD's but now, thank you so much to the modern technology,I download what I like rather than combing through HMV or Virgin Megastore.It is psychologically bad because I am now deprived from the mental gratification that can only be achieved by going out and inhale the fresh air.Can't win kan? Because I am such a bitch that memilih-milih makan, my choice of favourite foods is limited.So,I do not have the capacity to spend extra money to try on new foods.So in short words,my rather 'sialan' pay now doesn't bother me that much as my life overhead cost is so low.But sometimes it is just so orgasmic to have money that is berkepuk-kepuk.

So, I am like you, a person who hold a regular job and pay.Enough to pay for the things I want.So,back to my friend who thought from what she read that I am somekind of a medical marvel.She contacted me for a reason,basically.They have a son who is genetically affected and now developing a sign of autism.

My friend,like other apprehensive parents of a similar situation is badly affected by this.And because of this,they decided not to have another child.Well,it is genetically proven defect but however, as a Muslim or any other religion believers,there is also kuasa-kuasa tuhan that can appear unexpectedly.She want me to tip her on fixing her son that by the sound of it have a 'massive' behavioural issue.

The last I spoken to her was last week.I said that I can promise anything (plus telling her that I don't analyse children) but what I can do is to point her into right direction.I also explain the fact that 'we' as in individual of a similar profession don't extend service to friends & family as it will be inappropriate to have a case close to home.Blatant example,it is better to have a stranger living with you than your own friends or relatives...can you see why? I certainly hope one of this days she will read this and for you who knows any parents with similar problems,feel free to share the tips.

Here goes.Not many people are fortunate.We are born with flaws,either visible or not and it can appear in many terms,physical and emotional.Some hereditary and some,just chemical.As a adult (or parents) we are expected to understand the flaw of our young ones, simply because they have difficulties understand it themselves,in fact in many occasions,people with flaws will not conscious about their flaws until the die.This usually in emotional/psychological flaws.Some parents made a big mistakes by having expectation so very early,and often get their hope dashed when it didn't happen.Child are growing from the day the were born until they are 10.They will absorb feelings that are visualised to them during that years and we have to be very careful in visualising action as such during that sensitive age.I feel very sorry for the eldest child as indirectly hope are raised on them,they will grow up having emotional burden that they themselves can't identify until they were 10.I have no advise on how to deal with them children scientifically but parents, stop putting on hope on your babies until they are 15.We must not mature before our time and if we does,we have got to deal with massive blow of running before learning how to walk.

Child at that sensitive age expect to be love and not judge.Well, it is very sad that they were born with disability,but rather than busy thinking of ways fixing them,we must accept that however disabled,they are ours to love and care.Cacat or tak cacat sama saja.If the unaffected can learn to walk when they're ready,the affected must be treated the same.I have this problem within my family.My sister's 2nd child is almost five and still verbally impaired.She is lucky that her parents took their time to teach her according to her own pace.Yang masalahnya orang-orang sekeliling yang mulut cabul mengata.Eh..apasal anak kau tak pandai cakap lagi...pergilah jumpa Speech Therapist bagai...ohh for god sake.Nak bagi suggestion pun, janganlah cakap depan budak tu...first she is not bodoh,she understand that you are talking ill about her...and 2nd, by 'criticising' budak tu about her 'flaws',will only make her emotionally isolate.She will know that is something wrong with her and she will resort to isolate herself only with people she knows that don't think bad of her.Can you imagine kalau mulut-mulut cabul tu mak bapak sendiri?

Child under the age of 15 have no one to depend on to apart from their parents.If you make your self appear to them as this 'stern fixer' rather than a loving parents,you might end up with a difficult kids.Remember this,you are their first judge of character.It won't help if you're judgemental.I have seen the result of a child with judgemental parents.They are now living in my unit and trying to learn the skills to be love by others.Because nobody loves them as that little child before.

I remembered this couple in Jalan Athinahappan 2 (where my father used to live) have what the neighbour's called a sissy son.They,against all odds,accepted their son effeminacy and stood by him.He is of course turned out to be a charming gay man in TTDI.He acknowledged his flaws and told people that the reason he is still here is because of the love of his parents.Like others similar men,they received taunts and mistreatment all the way up to adulthood where he can stand up for himself.I can only imagine what sort of abuse they get at that age and even now.But believe me, they don't need no gay right activist or apa-apa therapist,they just need their parents.

Hope this help.Just love, don't discriminate.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Good & Bad

Air Laut Bournemouth Yang Tenang,Jangan Disangka Tak Ade Jaws....Memang Takde Pun

My anxiety for life is above average this past weeks.Hard to say.The organisation that I currently work with, not is so many words of info to its employees,is having a massive organisational restructuring. I keep getting memo about some key people that decided to land their feet on a better grass and soil.We get nasty email too,from the disgruntled one like those who works in the payroll, as if we are some kind of dead wood still harping in here while they set off elsewhere much better.Pigi dahh...when are they going to learn that work mana-mana pun sama, orang aje yang lain-lain.If you have a problem with work, you change job.If you don't like the people you work with (of which we usually do) you can either blahh..or if you sre still passionate about your job, find a way to put up with the mangkuk ayun without affecting your mental health.In the end, we still do the same job, but with people we less dislike.Do I like the people I work with? I'm not so sure.My team are marvellous.I rendered a speech last night thanking them (my clients and my team) for their support.2006 was tough, as at 16th December (and more to come next week...touch wood) We received threats from an ex employee who want to sue us (and still does), we got a POVA test (Protection Of Vulnerable Adults) twice with one even saw us through the allegations of gravely endangering our clients life, staff disciplinary issue that he in the end got dismissed and few more.Can I moan more? I wish I can...but I won't bothered as by choice,I don't do anything about it.Why moan if you don't want to change or do anything about? Maybe, I am not that happy with the people that I work for.But I'm sure they are not all evil.Sometimes, it it just business.

Physically, I have not been good that much. I went home and came back with chicken pox, I got pneumonia that after 2 weeks turned into bronchitis and my body lost the enormous amount of its Vitamin D.

Emotionally, I don't know but I can feel the the transference from psychic to somatic. All the stress has unconsciously taking its toll on my back passage and god know how many times I have had to sodomised the suppositories into it. (Ish..ni pun nak cakap)

The happy part is I attended my unit Xmas party last night and took part in a 'sexy' dancing that succeeded to waged some tongue.We took turn doing so called line dancing in a circle and show our 'stuff'.Macam hebat,but biasa-biasa aje.None of the big boss turned up (they got better party to go to) and we helped ourselves to the foods tremendously.(Habis lah diet) I realised that these are best people to work with.Adalah a few yang suka ambik kesempatan.Tak apalah. Inilah susahnya if you are emotionally trained to handle people. You don't show your real feeling and at the same time, the abuser open themselves to be easily analysed by you. Or me. Moral nya, jangan abuse orang because by abusing, you open yourself wide to be read and your weakness is easily recognised. Cepat kalah. Look at the former politician who resort to abused their power,tengoklah betapa cepatnya mereka itu tergolek dog. I do have my reservations on people tetapi selalu jugak kena tipu. Yang sedih tu, I know when I'm being manipulated, tapi sebab kesian, dibiarkan saja. Manipulator selalunya takde or kurang self esteem,if you let it blow up on his/her face,apalah yang tinggal nanti. But I believe,the manipulator will not be blissfully happy and the people whom they manipulated will ended up having a last laugh. Sedap betul balas dendam emotionally ni. Okay..back to analysing people. It is actually bad to analysed people because it makes you becomes aware of their loop. I have to confess that I become so teruk lately and started to 'analysed' people in this sphere. I have this imagination (base on what I saw) about this particular male. There is so many things between his line. I read his post and I even read his comments on other bloggers. He appears very interesting but as much as he tried to be, he is a very,very shelled in his own vanity. I also read of what people think of him when they met him in person. Just as I thought.

He can be more happier if he stops thinking bad of himself.He excessively love himself as he thinks nobody loves him.Loving yourself is actually a good defence mechanism, just don't let the feeling warped you. Jahat betul I,salah-salah sangka ni,tapi dengan bongkaknya,I never analyse wrong.Tapi janganlah takut,I only did this once.I only analyse if I get paid.

Another happier bit apart from my LJ yang irritable,this morning, I received my naturalisation permit that allows me to enjoy the same rights are other BC.I was so happy that I feel like want to balik KL sekarang jugak,because I miss my parents.I have two baby nice and nephew yang baru diproduced tapi dah pandai hantar card kat I mintak macam-macam.Hantu lah mak bapak yang mengajar tu.

Life is good if you are surrounded by nicer people. Sometimes I wish my partner can be nice, bila I nak dia jadi nice.But some people will work things out and some just don't know how to change and let the water runs so dry.

Before this end (ohh...I nak tengok Ex Factor live uolss...haruslah Leona tu menang kan, Heaven?) I would like to congratulate Uncle Aziz (Liza's uncle) yang akhirnya put an end to his duda status today. Dengarnya kenduri kahwin meriah skalsss.

Happy thoughts, uols.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Relationship Rescue

Hello again.I have been annoyingly busy at work.There's rather plenty of soul that is affected at this time of the year.Year end thing.I sensed that our Lee is feeling it too,judging from what he wrote.Many of us are feeling so vulnerable at this time of the year.It is true but hard to swallow that our vulnerability are about how we feels about our self at this time. We become and feeling very apprehensive about what we did and what will the future brings in the year to come,especially those who happened to have a 'bad' year. As much as people like to say 'see how things goes', honestly, what they really want is to know exactly what will be in store for them rather than to see how things goes. We don't like riddle, as much as we want to call ourselves a hedonist.

The anxieties of the unconscious (the one with learning difficulties and mental incapacities) are trebled. I was asked a lot for a 'talk' and all I'm hearing is a same thing.Emotional Inequilibrate. Every single aspect that related to the month of December seems to contributes to the fact of having our psychological incomprehension. We usually start to ponder our life for the last 11 months since our last ponder. We are so gatal to question ourselves are we happy with what was done,achieved and happened.The anxiety then escalates and is making you more anxious about your future.For those who can and willing to understand will do themselves heaps favour by accepting things the way it is but for troubled one,new year means new anxieties.There is not a bit of cognitive understanding of life,how things move and happen.

Things that I ponder the most in December is my relationship and my work. I have been very stressful of ever growing extra responsibilities. I have been trying to think of a solution. I never found one. My relationship? Against all rational, I decided to legalised my relationship with my partner this year.Apart from loving each other like mad,we also done it for security reason. (I'm not at all convinced by this!!!) We have had a terrible time together owing to my insecurities and Frankie's pride.Stupid stuff.We are still working out our 'stuff'.Not easy.Loads of sakit hati.But like others that are committed,we still trying to rescue and protect our union.

One of the most destructive elements in relationship is contempt.People who are happily married like each other,of course they do.But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good partnership.By simply reminding yourself of your partner's positive qualities - even if you grapple with each other's flaws - you can prevent a happy relationship from deteriorating.Without the fundamental belief that your partner is worthy of honour and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship?

There are many couples whose respect and friendship have receded to barely detectable levels,but they can be rescued. The route of bringing them back always begins with realising how valuable they are.They are crucial to the longterm happiness of the relationship because they prevent contempt from becoming an overwhelming presence in your life.Contempt is corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between partners.The better in touch you are with your deep-seated positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuously towards your partner when you have a difference of opinion. Even positive feelings that have long been buried can be revived simply by thinking and talking about them.You can do this by thinking about what makes you cherish your partner.

Some books that I read (motif suka baca tips-tips membahagiakan rumahtangga?) suggest that we think 3 things you like about your partner when you first met....(Frankie....very intelligent,dry sense of humour and passionate)

What are the 3 qualities you most admire about your partner? (sama seperti diatas)

Think of an ocassion in which your partner displayed one of those admirable qualities...(When I balik kerja penuh stress)

I'm not sure if this work.But you can try.Let me know if yours work.

My thoughts are with you.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Ego Package Has Landed

Chewahhh...Ternaik Kaki Dek Excited!!!

Precisely, at 3.30pm today. I was out of the office.The whole day ada meeting kat Springfield Hospital.It was not a good day for travelling today.Ada pulak Rugby game between tah mana-mana team (rasanya Scotland kot, pasal masa tunggu bas tadi, I nampak ada mamat ni pakai Rugby top pastu pakai kilt) that made the Southwest Train company halted the regular train for the regular commuter and I was forced to travel a longer distance just to get to Wandsworth, a local borough between South & West London. The journey was inclusive of jalan kaki from St.Margeret to Richmond and from Whitton to my office (TW2 6DN) In total, dekat 3 batu I menapak hari ni.In the end, I arrived office at 7pm. My colleague terus hint-hint yang I dah dapat early Xmas present.Bila masuk aja office, hah...tersergam indah depan mata bungkusan yang dibalut kertas minyak itu.

I terus tak jadik buat kerja.I usung parcel tu ke bus stop and terus balik rumah.Sampai je rumah, dengan tak bukak kasutnya (biasalah...dah habis teroka seisi rumah, baru tanggal kasut) I terus membukak parcel itu dengan rakusnya dengan disaksikan Cikki Lou itu.Habis I keluarkan semua barang-barang dalam kotak tu and Lou pun tanyalah kat I, how did that fish get in here.I pun storylah kat dia pasal kecerdikan Hang Lekiu kaki auta itu.I dah tak kisahlah dia nak pikir apa.Maklumlah,hal barang-barang makan ni, soal moral ditolak ketepi.Janji asam-asam ku ittew berjaya diseludup.

I was so excited.Dalam ke'excited'an itu, tiba-tiba hadir pula perasaan dengki dan kedekut silih berganti.I asing-asingkan all the goods ikut label.Apparently those that labelled 'Han' seems to outnumbered 'Lee'.Bertambah hanyut aku dilautan kedekut.Hatiku ketawa ala-ala Mahmood June kat iklan tehboh tu.Hahahahhahaha...macam puaka.

Tapi,bila terpandang aje muka Wan Zaleha yang penuh dengan cahaya-cahaya keinsafan tu,I pun tersedarlah dari rasukan syaitan..(cehhh..ada unsur-unsur Mastika ni) Mengucap panjang I membaca Alif Ba Ta sampai Wassalamu....and in the end, I bahagi-bahagikan harta sepencarian ini mengikut hukum syarak..yakni..kalau ada 4 tin sardin, maka 2 untuk I and 2 lagi untuk Lee.Tapi mana yang dah sah-sah ada label nama I tu,kalaulah si Lee dan konco konco nya nak contest masuk Old Bailey, akak sanggup hire solicitor untuk mempertahankan hak-hak akak tu.

What did I had for my supper? Emm..sandwich Tuna Chilli, sekotak Rocky and Asam Taik kambing buat pemasam mulut (takleh nak cakap pemanis mulut pasal dia asam kan?)

I can't thank both of you enough.Semoga murah rezeki.

P/s ....Benci betul aku baca message 'Hanya Orang Yang 'Sempurna' Like Us Yang Hisap Rokok Ini...Syabas Dek Non'. Habis rumahku syurga ku berbau rumah kontraktor binaan Indon.Cisss....On the other hand, Liza nak peluk cium kau Bella dek 'Sampoerna' tu.Tapi, mmg dasar tak bersyukurkan...bila dia nampak rokok tu, dia cakap..hah..3 packet aje? Babi...wa cakap lu.

Monday, December 11, 2006

So Many Things...So Little Time

My Little Xmas Fibreoptic Tree

***Peringatan,entry ini mempunyai unsur-unsur ke 'eksyen' an,ke 'bongkak' an dan kejahatan hati yang melampau,read at your own risk.***

*** What is that 'ARSE' doing there? Jersey-Jersey Arsenal Untuk Tatapan Abg LeQ & Meriam Untuk Menembak Kobau***

First let me start by telling how foul Chelsea FC played in yesterday's game.Their goal was a total sham where the referee has completely ignored the fact that Cashley Cole has done dirty.Although it was a nice goal from that Essien,Arsenal Boys really didn't deserved that.Mind you,my interest in football is only where David Beckham is.The fact that my partner lives in Finsbury Park where Emirates Stadium is within 5 minutes walking distance radius made me an Arsenal supporter.And then is of course our Mr Va Va Voom.I can be very spiteful at watching a football match and so I was last Sunday, towards Ashley 'No Defence' Cole.Benci...Benci.

My partner and I went for a walk on Sunday morning.We haven't had our private strolling moment for a long,long time and decide to give it a go,to see whether the walk could last longer in laughter rather than a fight.We did laughed a lot.We decided to walk to Emirates ground as I have always seen it from afar.To our surprise, the walk to Emirates Stadium only took 10 minutes from where Frankie lives.It has always seems so far before.I captured a few angle of shot from my mobile camera with leer intention (wonder to whom) and now, saya dengan berbesar hatinya ingin mempamerkan gambar-gambar ittew disini.So, LeQ, please in weep in desperation.Kau ado?

Well, enough Arsenal.Kang kecik pulak hati soccer fan team lain.I was reading the Malay Online Newspaper yesterday and read the news about this ex member of a once-upon-a-time famous girl band getting hitched for her 2nd time.Well, congratulation to her and her beau.Her ex husband was reportedly attended her blessing ceremony,and I was all smiles reading that. I am so happy for him at last.

I met the ex hubby couple of months ago in London.He had a terrible time in KL and wanted to chill out.He inadvertantly told me about his ex wife is soon going to remarry.Ahh..no wonder he was such in trouble.Well,it is good that he choose to chill out here rather than there.Too much hurt. He looks ill with his panda eyes.Kesian.He used to live in London where his mother resides and since he got married,he become irregular in his West End scene.I have known him for many,many years.Not that close though as we hardly crossed path,but friendly enough to get the invites of their wedding years ago.They have a whirlwind romance although the decision to tie the knot did surprised his mates as it is such a short affair for him and her.He have a strings of special relationships with women that is different from her.I'm not at all suggesting that she is not compatible but knowing him,all of us would have thought that he will choose his 'usual' type.2 months before their wedding,I was travelling to London on a same flight as him.He told me about his engagement to her (I was away in Australia,didn't get much news about friends) and how he really loved her.It sounded to me that he is starting anew and was so looking forward to be a married man to her.He gladly said that his wild days is over and he is now a one woman man.Not long after that,my mates emailed me some vile photograph of his fiancee with her ex boyfriend.Both man & woman claimed to have been a victim of a cybersmut and ridiculed the culprit.Well,they both succeed in manipulating the innocence into believing how ingenuine the photos were.That time I thought of him.I did saw him couple of time after that but as friend, I never thought it is appropriate to shoot even a question of curiousity.None of us (his friends that are also my friends) did.They stayed on together and marry one another.He must have loved her so much to withstand 'kata-kata' sumbang.

About 2 or 3 years ago,I saw him in London and he told me that his marriage is over.I didn't asked why but it seems to sad to see him brokenhearted.He told me that they still pretend that they still each others spouse in front of their sons.He fainted after divorcing her.It is just too much for him to bear losing the woman he loves.

One of his ex gf is my schoolmate and the reason she broke up with him was similar to reason of his marriage breakdown.They both befriended and one marries a man who was still a boy.This guy never have to work in his life.He live doing things that he likes,he partied hard and living a lifestyles of a spoilt brat.His marriage was managed by his parents, not that they voluntarily want to stick their oar in but he is just not responsible enough to man his family.But he is indeed a very nice man.

The problem with 'too' independent woman is that they expect a great deal from their partner.A woman generally want a husband to protect them,physically and emotionally.While some woman is complacent with hen pecked, there is some who does want a man who will fight for her honour (ehh..macam Peter Cetera lah pulak) There is a period of love that could last to ignore the man imperfections but somehow the burning yearns of a strong shoulder willl soon resurface and usually the over independent woman will not hesitate to call it a day when the wet blanket takes longer to dry itself.

From afar, it looks like the ex husband has moved on (though I hope he also move on from his drinking & drugging days) but I bet,it will take him a long time to mourn the loss of the woman he really loves especially when he realises that the love goes more deeper when he is about to lose her.Selalunya macam tu lah kan, bila dah nak hilang dari tangan, barulah terbangun dari tidur.Macam kami dalam rumah ni, dah nak Christmas, baru teringat pokok Christmas yang duduk bermastautin diam-diam kat atas loft tu.Kalau tak,mampuslah tak ingat simpan kat mana.Teruk kan?

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Sila Jelesssss.....

I dengan Frankie akan pergi meredah Stamford Bridge besok untuk menyokong Arsenal.Kepada penyokong-penyokong Gunners yang hanya boleh menengok sambil menelan air liur kat KL ittew,ingatlah bahawasanya ada seorang rakyat Malaysia yang akan pergi mencarut-carut Ashley Cole yang telah berpaling tadah ittew di Chelsea Ground, pukul 3.45 pm besok.

Yang seddeyyy,pakweku Thierry Henry sakit burit pulak tak boleh beraksi.

Selamat menjeless.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Let The Loser Be...

After my GP appointment,I decided to go to work menghabiskan kerja-kerja office.Ramai sangat yang emotionally disturbed this week and nak tak nak terpaksalah allocate some therapeutic time for my client.Benci betul buat session session counselling terpaksa ni.Hari ni tadi I bekerja dengan tekunnya sampai tak jenguk langsung internet.Tinggi betul discipline diri hari ni.Tau tau dah pukul 6 and I have 12 minutes to pack up and mengejar direct bus yang berhenti betul-betul depan rumah I tu. I sampai kat bust stop betul-betul right timing as the 481 bus is approaching.Bukan apa uols, dah sejuk-sejuk ni,I dah tak sanggup nak menunggu lama-lama kat Twickenham High Street tu.Lainlah kalau siang-siang hari.Tak sejuk sangat.

Bus yang I naik tadi taklah penuh in fact jarang penuh kalau tak time budak-budak sekolah travel pergi dan balik.So,time I travelling to and from tempat kerja, I memang selalu dapat seat sebab bus tu lapang dan boleh sempat mengangkang-ngangkang lagi lak tu dek kelapangannya.After greeting the bus driver, I seated myself on a seat infront of two young lady set-set Vicky Pollard ni.Alaa..yang dressing ala chav chav tu.Bangsa yang pakai track bottom dengan trainers pastu mobile phone siap gantung kat leher style bling-bling.Tak paham betul aku orang dressing cam ni,tapi dah fashion and selera masing-masing, nak buat macam mana? Nasib baik tak bervogel, lagi naya.

Dua wanita tak anggun ni dok lah berborak borak dengan kuatnya.Dengarnya macam ada masalah rumahtangga.Yang sorang Cikki baju ceklat ni mengadulah kat sorang Cikki baju pink ni yang dia ada masalah dengan boyfriendnya.Si Ceklat ni cakaplah kat si Pink tu yang pasal pertengkarannya dengan boyfriendnya tengah hari tadi.The Ceklat told the Pink (whilst no attempt to conceal all the conversation details from me) that her boyfriend (by the sound of it he is called Donny, but kalau dah chavinistic slang take control,Donny becomes Don-nay lah..spitting that East End attitude) told her that their relationship is over.Ceklat said to Pink 'Donnay told may (me) that he don't love may (me) no more...he wont (want) may (me) to forgekk (forget) aboukk (about) 'im (him) and move on...'is (his) not avin (having) a larfff (laugh) wit (with) may (me) e is serious maikkk (he is serious, mate) Aduhaiii...cockney accent...

The Ceklat dengan seddeyy nya asked The Pink 'What does he mean by that?'. At this point,I vaguely heard what was The Pink explanation to The Ceklat of what she think that 'Donnay' meant by that.Well, the orang putih with East End accent sometimes speaks like fast train yang memang susah nak dipaham bijik butirnya.I rasa nak tergelak pun ada.Not suggesting that I am all experienced with man but from what I know,man always speak straight from his brain and heart.There is a slightest possibility that he can mean the things he said otherwise.It is so typical of us girls to look for hidden message,trying to read too much into the lines.Most man mean what they said the way the say it.If he say he don't love you anymore, he is most probably means he don't love you anymore.Nothing else.Lainlah kita perempuan ni...if we tell our boyfriend that we tak sayang him lagi,what we could mean is 'I masih sayang tapi sekarang ni tengah bengang ni..pujuklah I...grovel lah kat I kuat-kuat' and mulalah kita orang perempuan terjelepuk dengan janji-janji manis paria mu (hah..what say you, LeQ?)

Not all men are entirely honest with their intention (ohh...how I know? Well, most will tell, anonymously of course) but when they tell you what they want,by majority,they been very honest about it.So, look out if ever your boyfriend/husband bergurau-gurau dengan uols pasal nak berbini or bergirlfriend baru...maka adalah niat-niat yang dah stanby tu.Macam celaka kan?

Dipendekkan cerita,Si Pink tu pun mengajarlah kat Si Ceklat ni supaya menyiasat what is her 'Donnay' is up to.Nak je I nasihatkan kat Si Ceklat tu, dah lah tu...janganlah buang masa lagi.Sometimes there is thing that is not worth fighting for.Boyfriend dah terang-terang cakap tak ndak,buat apa lagi nak susah susah.Lainlah berboyfriendkan Sultan Brunei,haruslah kan... menyinsing lengan.

Si Pink ni pun macam pandai ajar-ajar si Ceklat tu supaya pergi tunggu depan rumah Si Donnay tu,interrogate bagai.I terdengar pulak lagi yang Si Pink ni suspect si Donnay ni ada 'hanging out' dengan 'bitch bitch' lain.Eh..sukati Donnay lah kan??? Si Donnay tu pun dengarnya cam jantan cokiah aje...pasalnya dia pun tak ber credit nak telephone Si Ceklat ni selalu.

Kesian si Ceklat tu.Well, you can't help to who you will fall helplessly in love with.Some man are quite happy to tag you along with no intention to have responsibility.As if the woman is some kind of accessories.But some woman are quite happy to be treated as such.And when something bad really happen,they will come out as being badly victimised by their man but all along, conscious and subconsciously they already have victimised themselves by allowing them men to mistreat them.

I have no intention to involve myself in marriage counselling.Major reasons for that is from the day you start having session with them,you can tell the problems have been brewing all along.Woman is usually the complicated part of the equation.They knew all along they have been a victim and they seems to have indulged themselves too long that created some weird kind of comfort.Men just don't like hassle.They would rather shoot themselves than having their neck tangled in the never ending conflict.If they don't love you sexually anymore and think that the marriage should end,no amount of marriage counselling can help.

Susah nak cakap.We are too selfish sometimes wanting things that we know we can't have and when we failed,we blamed ourselves miserably.Quite commonly we will use children as an excuse.Maybe yes.I know a woman who stay married while the kids are still young and mintak cerai the moment all of them are capable standing on their own feet.Most women would rather pray for a miracle to happen like husband or boyfriend bertukar jadik Nabi or Jesus Christ. Jangan haraplah...if nasib baik, jadiklah Abuya Al Arqam...tu pun bersedialah menjadik madu kepada 3 perempuan lain.Well, teruskanlah berdoa.Tuhan maha adil.Kadang-kadang, perempuan yang teraniaya termakbul doanya.But sometimes,memang tuhan tak galakkan kita jadi bangang and meminta pada Sang Beruang bertukar menjadi Arnab.Kalau dah terseksa baik ditinggalkan saja, ye tak? The worst part,ada pulak yang kecewa bertahun-tahun lamanya (siapalah yang bangang tu) dek kecewa yang melampau-lampau.

So macam nilah.Kalau dah ada tanda-tanda jantan tu dah takboleh diharap and akan menyusahkan uols in a long run,cut your losses and blah lah.Jangan nak tunggu lagi.Banyak lagi ikan dilautan...tak ada ikan...tapak seleman or stingray pun boleh kan?

Insufficient Vitamin D

Taman Bunga di WARSAW yang bebas dari asap rokok.

I nak cerita sikit ni uolsss...sebenarnya since last Monday, hati ini dah gundah gulana.When I walked into my office last Monday,as usual,I pon startlah baca-baca telephone message for me.One of the message came from my GP,suruh I buat appointment jumpa dia.Serams lah jugak,pasalnya GP I tak pernah cari I.I yang selalu cari dia.I dengan my GP ada love and hate relationship.Tak boleh nak cinta and tak boleh nak suka sangat-sangat.GP kat sini territorial sikit.I can only register dengan GP yang kureng dari 2 miles radius from my address.So,cinta tak boleh memilihlah ni.Tak suka pun kena suka jugak...maklumlah jumpa GP kat sini free.

I called my GP surgery nak tanya apahal cari I and at the same time bertanyalah pasal blood test result I yang dah diambil sampai 6 botol tu.Receptionist tu taknak bagitau but made an appointment for me to see the GP instead.And start pada situ lah hatiku ini berdebab-debub.

I bukannya apa uols,my late brother died of accute Leukamia.Tah camana dia dapat penyakit tu, I pon tak tahu.Years back I ada Leukamia scare jugak,puas jugaklah masuk keluar hospital buat blood cell count dengan segala mala transfusion.Dah habis buat semua benda tu,baru Doktor tu cakap ada kuman dalam darah aje.But the trauma of thinking that I might 'terpadam' dek sakit tu masih ada sampai sekarang.So,bila receptionist tu cakap the GP want to see me sebab nak discuss my blood test result,I dok paranoid gilababi.Pastu dalam tv asyik keluar cerita orang sakit Leukamia aje.Kerja pon tak senang.

So,pagi ni tadi I jumpalah my GP.I pon cakaplah dengan GP tu pasal all my unnecessary worries.Menyesal sungguh aku membuang masa dek susah hati.My GP suruh I buat repeat test for Bronchitis and also cakap my level of Vitamin D dah almost zero.Dia terus prescribed I medication for the next 6 months.My weight is stagnant at 60kg walaupun aku dah melantak cam anak gajah.GP I cakap I kurang makan telur,ikan and kurang kena matahari.I cakaplah kat my GP yang I makan telur macam musang.Ikan understanably susah nak cari lah kat sini.The fact that my household dah lama tak masak anything yang berunsur keikanan since last March.Cikki Putih tu tak makan ikan, so Liza dengan I pun taknak lah makan ikan in case we offend her.Lagipun, remeh sungguh nak masak asing-asing.Matahari? Manalah nak cari matahari winter minter ni.I tell you,semenjak duduk kat kat oversea lama gila,since 1991,I macam dah tak larat berpanas-panasan.That day balik Malaysia pun macam kelawar,keluar malam aje.Siang hari tidur,tengok TV and babysit sambil mendengar khutbah my mother yang dok introduce anak orang tu anak orang ni.

I pun tanyalah kat GP tu dia ada suggestion je ikan apa yang bagus dimakan? GP cakap sardines,mackerels,salmon and few yang tak ingat nama.Hah..sardin? Sardin kan on the way dari KL tak sampai-sampai lagi.Mana nak cari sardin cap ayam kat sini? Ada sardin pun tah hapa-hapa cap tah yang goreng pun tak sodap tu.

On top of that,GP suruh I stop smoking pasal bronchitis scare tu.Heh!! Le masa lak aku isak rokok? I cakap dengan GP tu I tak hisap rokok tapi I dok serumah dengan Hisrok Queen yang masih jugak tak ada tanda-tanda nak berhenti walaupun aku dah tumbang dek pneumonia and dek duit memasing dah nak habis pasal beli Xmas present.

Well,nampaknya terpaksalah aku makan Vit.D tablet perasa puaka itu and menukar my diet into fishy oriented meals for the next 6 month before another check up.

But on the other hand,alhamdulillah...takde Leukamia.

Selamat berhenti hisap rokok kawan-kawan.Kasihanilah kami yang terpaksa menjadi passive smoker ini and ada greater risk untuk sakit teruk.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Working From Home

Equals to malas nak pergi office sebenarnya.The gift I ordered from some website arrived today and I should really start wrapping that and the stuff I bought for Frankie.Habis duitku beli Xmas present.Tak cukup dengan beli Xmas present untuk my officemate,kena pulak beli untuk seisi keluarga si Penyapu Gandum tu.But I must not complaint and moan.Because they bought me stuff too.Pokok Xmas je yang belum beli lagi ni.

I told you the other day that I dread Xmas.Not only that I have to translate bad message into a good hearable message, I also have to be on work stanby (in case someone decided that they have had enough) and attend Xmas Dinner.When your age escalates higher it enervates your metabolism level.I hardly have enough time to go to my local gym nowadays as by the time I reached home,I slumped into a massive potato in front of the telly.And Xmas dinner are usually massive in portion.Bad for people like me who are overly concern about my waist.

Apart from the weight pileing,I also have a enormous alcohol worries.Attending Xmas dinner is like attending a wine tasting party.I really cannot appeciate red wine and very picky about the whites.If I attend a dinner at someone I know, I will insist on them serving me the Lambrusco.Me and Lambrusco get on well as it takes 2 whole bottle to really make me 'high'.

I have issues with my own inhibitions.Alcohol has alway been a culprit in breaking them.There's plenty of embarrassment over the years due to alcohol intake that outtake my inhibitions.The last party I went to, I avoid alcohol at all cost but let slip with the low volume Bucks Fizz...that put me to sleep straight away.Lagi malu.Tertidur kat rumah orang masa birthday party.

Alcohol can also make me harbouring my real feelings too, something that I think is best to keep hidden.I met someone interesting when I was working in Melbourne.I shall name this person SD.Si SD ni sungguhlah syoknya kat I but I never melayan rasa chenta nya ittew.But after all the woos and attention, bunga-bunga, chocolate-chocolate and Hungry Jack...I started to take a fancy at SD.I wish I was braver back then in self exploration.I did not act on my feeling.After a night fuelled with a little alcohol, enough for my inhibitions to escaped, some romantic things happened.I kept telling SD is was a drunken mistake but really, no one knows now but you, it was my real feelings.

I developed some strange liking towards certain people of late.My emotional rollercoaster in my current relationship is making me vulnerable, and there's a nice people that I could risk mistaken as a potential muse.I might get into trouble for saying this as Frankie has now started reading my blog and making queries of who and who.

But I write something that I can't tell people in real life.This are the things in my head.They need to come out some how.My work made me a container.This container filled up by 6pm and they need to be emptied before tomorrow.You just happen to read it.

Take care all.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

A Very, Very Bad Behaviour

Some people achieved their self-gratification by watching other people suffer.It really pleases their cruel vein.It is very,very sad.

When I was in that boarding school, I remembered vividly how the entire Aspuri (Asrama Puteri) was fussing about same 'strange' behaviour exhibited by this particular young woman who is also my classmate.This young woman closely befriended another woman and was practically inseperable.Both of them made no attempt to hide their affection towards each other.They hold hands together everywhere...to school, to prep room, to surau,to dewan makan and even to shower room.Their rather 'strange' behaviour has provoked some 'Tok Siak' in her dormitory and like smelly fart, words of gossips regarding their 'strangeness' spread.It was a heavy talk about them everywhere.

Funny enough, apart from their public display of affection namely gelak sama-sama, belajar sama-sama, mandi kemban sama-sama,sembahyang sebelah menyebelah, tidur (of course in the presence of the whole dorm) sama, no one has ever caught them both doing really 'provocative' stuff like you know what lah...In fact, I remember clearly that the whole Aspuri was planning into watching their footage together closely just to get enough evidence to support their stupid curiosity.

I did not have many friends in school,partly because I tak cakap banyak and apparently, according to them, I wasn't Malay enough to be like them.My parents, father especially, insist that I speak English eversince I can remember.My mother don't speak the common Bahasa Malaysia, because she's Indonesian.My close friends at school can be count only with fingers in one hand.This young woman in question and her close companion was not really 'friends' with me.We just acknowledge each others presence by a quick eye contact.

When the unpleasant words about them spreads,they both become isolated in each other company more than usual.Not entirely their faults as everyone was practically 'watching' them as if they were somekind of freak.They both isolate themselves from me as well.I guessed that it must be because of everyone was giving them the gravel,they both must assumed that I disliked them as well.

At one point, things become more heated as I witnessed them being cornered in the madrasah after prayers and the Aspuri Captain together with her kaki ampu bitches started giving both unsuspecting best friends an earful.I was there as well and was very annoyed as the Captain and her bitches started saying that all of us (them bitches really) was disturbed by their behaviour.How very dare they speak on my behalf.They both were told to 'Ingat Pada Tuhan' and so on so on...The unsettling part of all that, is that the way they both were spoken too is as if they both was just kena tangkap basah.So intimidating and disrespectful.The two so called 'lovers' menangis-nangis diperlakukan begitu rupa.I was with Mulut Tayar Bas who at that time desperate nak kencing.Obviously,this uncalled 'ambushed' has halted her pundi-pundi.When all the others kaki ampu nodding in agreement with the Captain and her bitches,I suddenly speak up.My maximum thirst must have induced my way of thinking because usually I couldn't be bothered.I asked the Captain and her konco-konco,why are the two girls being persecuted? What did they both actually do? One of the bitches replied in anger 'Demo melakuke pekaro yang dilaknak tuhe' in a very thick Kelantanese accent.All of a sudden she look evil, just to add up the seramness of that atmosphere.Mulut Tayar Bas added 'like what?'.What did they really do? The Bitches then said 'faham-faham lah' and refused to elaborated further and continue with her khutbah-khutbah.Long story short, I did said some unexpected things to that congregations and the consequences is that all of the bitches hated me and Mulut Tayar Bas and the two 'lovers' become my new friends.Macam ada gay right activist pulak kat MRSM masa tu.

The truth is at that time, nobody is gay.I have no knowledge if there is any closeted case but no one is brave enough to display their affection like the two 'lovers' in question.I said what I thought was right.We cannot persecute others just because they are not 'normal'.What is normal anyway? If it's really bad,why can't we just pray in stealth to god to give them more strength to fight the battle of the abnormalities? Nobody say that we can take law into our own hands.The Captain and her Bitches obviously thinking that they are doing right by god by 'prosecuting' the abnormalities.And they feel very,very good about themselves after that after 'acting' on behalf of god.

The god created us.However abnormal.We are supposed to care about one and another and most importantly respect one and another.While some of us quite happy to stay in the closet or less exposed,some of us are quite happy to flaunt and share.It is up to us if we can stand the humour.We come across many type of explicitness and openess of a human nature over the internet.I wonder if anybody ever leave a comment in a gay nude page the moment they stumbled upon a bare penis.What would the comment be? Ohh you sleazy model,get a grip..where's your faith in religion? Is that it?

Why do we go there in the first place if we can't stand the nakedness?
Why must we think that they (the model) is sleazy, is it just because he is naked?
Why must you think that he is godless and faithless? How would you know? Because he is naked?

We really have to stop doing this to ourselves, let alone other people who is obviously externally happy than us.That is their way of coping with whatever their trouble is.We don't know them and we don't know ourselves that well.We can't judge people and made this snap desicion of god's behalf to prosecuted their way of life.We don't know anything.We have to learn.We learn from each other.The knowledge we acquire and the more mistake we made, the more we learn and have to keep learning.

The man made law in the court only punish when all evident is proven and acquiesced.We can't make judgement on something we don't know about or based on something we thought we knew.We cannot act of behalf of god.

Good friends give good words, even a painful truth but with no intention to punish.We are not perfect.If we are friends, comfort our friends and support them through the difficult period of their lives.If we are enemies,find a way to make peace with each other.There is no point to keep on hurting each other,we don't have much time to live.Agree?

To Lee,Bella and those who are close and known to me that have been hurt,stay strong.Besides enemies, we still have each other.