About Me

Monday, November 26, 2007

Quick One

Maria Mariammah...Kisah Percintaan Terlarang Dalam Picadilly Line

Eh you all, ni Makji nak bagitau, this week, susah la sikit Makji nak mengumpat/mengutuk orang dalam blog ni...pasalnya I dah dikerah bekerja dibeberapa lokasi yang dalam peta, kununnya within London, tapi bila nak travel, macam nak meninggal tau jauhnya. But like I said, nak melawan boss kang, susah pulak hidupku nanti...

But I will update Kiah, once I am comfortably seated or berbaring-baringan once I reached home.But I thought, before I dissapear under this thin and cold air, above ialah hasil snappy happy dalam tube, on my way back from Emirates (tengok Arsenal vs Wigan) to Hatton Cross last Saturday.

Eeesh...benci...benci nya. Teringat kisah-kisah budak-budak melayu yang suka berdating dalam gelap, bawah pokok kat USJ Court 7 tu and mat-mat rempit yang suka bawak awek masing-masing berdating bawah jambatan kat Megamall tu. Kalau I lalu bila balik dari beli burger tu, terdengarlah masing-masing buat bubbly noise gitu (ala-ala bercomolot lah kan? ) That that Mat Rempits and their unsuspecting awek, bila kereta lalu, mulalah buat aksi-aksi lepas tangan, macam la akak tak tau apa yang you all baru buat kan? Macam tu lah jugak nasib Maria Mariammah kat sini...nak dating depan-depan mata (open air spaces lah) kang di rotan dek appa, or tak mengaku anak oleh amma....habislah arranged marriage.So kalau nak ringan-ringan, terpaksalah beromen dalam keretapi ala-ala Kuch Kuch Hota Hei githoo...macam-macam adegan si dua ekor ni...french kiss la (nampak sangat tak retinya sampai meleleh air liur githooo...eh, cemanalah I boleh nampak? Hapa tak nampaknya..dah berkilat-kilat keluar from their mouth) raba-raba la...ceh, poddah!!! Nak mengelak appa amma punya pasal, aku yang jadik bertambah dosa kan?

Lain kali gi la belajar dengan budak TKC tu...amma kadawale.

Bye you all.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin - 4

This Guy Mula-Mula Berdiri Betul-Betul Depan I..From Vauxhall to Oxford Circus...Pakcik Ni Pakai Trackbottom, Maka Oblong Ballnya Tersembul Sepanjang Masa...Until Sorang Pompuan Celaka Turun Kat OC, So, Mamat Ni Dapat Lah Tempat Duduk...Aish...Tak Dapat Lah Aku Nak Menjamu Mata...Ohh, Abang..Carik Apa Dalam Poket Tu? Sekuntum Bunga Cina ke?

I can't do a 'Mamamia' review since I didn't get to see any West End musical show last night. Hanya orang gila aje yang ada nafsu nak travel ke Central London yesterday. I was not up to it at all giving the traffic reports and my unwell self. Hidung pun tersosek-sosek...dengan tekak yang mengembang cam puaka. I opted to stay at work working on my new 'Understanding Schizophrenia' project. Haiyoh!!!

Me and my boss have a chat and she thought, giving my suam-suam kuku knowledge, I should now specialise in this. I have been working with the Autistic Spectrum group long enough, plus the PS family had asked for me to be their appointed person of contact. Masalah nya, tahukah mereka tu yang aku ni sebenarnya tak gemar dengan they all tu? Ni bukan kes tak gemar sikit-sikit ni, to the extent sampai I boleh nak resign...

While I have spent a good 45 minutes telling her my reason (or shall I say, talking myself out of that responsibility) she seems convinced that I should give it a try. Bosses will pay for the extra teraphy and all I do is to work on the relapse prevention plan. (ishh..kalau offer naik gaji, maka bernafsu lah sikit I kan?)

Maka hari ni, sorry to dissapoint you, I need to take the burden out of my head. I am the less fortunate people in this world who kena jugak ikut cakap boss walaupun hati nak pecah demi menjaga kebajikan diri sendiri.It is not about people anymore...the job wants it. I remember my friend who had to take case of some greasy penyamun and represent him. When the job requires you to be client centred, ni lah padah nya.

While 3 million Malaysia are now 'pesakit mental'....ooops! I have to disagree with that report. I am not sure if a psychistrist would agree, it is politically incorrect and almost discriminating.Berapa juta rakyat Malaysia? (Matilahhh..tak tau pengetahuan am) and why are they closing in to this 3 millions individuals? In what way, or what gives the Department Of Health the right to signed them off as pesakit mental? Or, are they just the poor 3 millions who has been diagnosed with rare chemical imbalance in their body hence incapacitating their brain?

Any one of us can be affected by mental exhaustion. We can have a moment of madness that after a while, we realised that it was mad.Are we that 'pesakit mental'? Hope not. My younger brother, judging from what he do for fun might be classified as one. I called him that...geram punya pasal.But your brain can tell you something others not necessarily agree and it takes your emotion to tell your brain otherwise.

Jantan Tembam that day, macam tak letih-letih bagitahu I yang he feel so lonely. Aren't we all sometimes? We can be lonely in a partnership as well when literally we are not.I have been trying, as a friend ye, bukan as a Social Worker, to tell him that. But adakah dia nak dengar? Nope, he listened to his brain yang penuh taik and any other chemical yang terlepas naik ke kepala sebab tak leh keluar kat tempat lain..(waaa, chemical apakah itu?) What happened after that? My brain is telling me that I am tired of talking the same old nasihat to him while my emotion still feel that he needed help to overcome his grief. But in the end, my brain and my emotion see eye to eye and that later become volcanic eruption yang berbunyi..Ohh...you're making me ill listening to you on and on about your so called sad life, just fuck off..just fuck off !!!

Sakit mental sekejap I that day...I was angry.I really thought, that is it. Habislah persahabatan ku dengan mu (not that kita kawan rapat kat sekolah pun) I was always taught by my peers, better be careful what you say to a man, they all ni simpan dalam (ey, apa yang simpan dalam ye? Yang panjang itu ke?) and then, habislah dibunuhnya kau nanti..., well, it is not my fault that they want to 'simpan dalam' kan? And what happen to the freedom of speech? Kalau jantan tu dah nak merasa sangat sangat kena maki, tak ke harus di maki habis-habisan gitu? Well, peers, thanks for your nasihat lah, but I think...in life we just have got to take the risk. I don't think we set out to upset people kan? See lah how people take it. You just have to say out what's upsetting you, walaupun dalam blog...

I never think about JT after that, menyesal sebab maki dia pun tidak. I take full responsibility atas perbuatan ku yang takde sungguh nilai ketimuran itu.I'm just done with empathy with him...he is hardly a chronic case that you really should tread carefully bila bukak mulut.But I know myself and I know that I have a clear conscience when I do something but my mannerism always influenced my emotion.

Speaking about pesakit mental, our partner can be one.Tinggal accute or tak accute aje. We have our moment of mental incapacity,unlike the affected one, we just blessed that we have perfect chemical in our body.Malaysia shouldn't worry about the 3 millions pesakit mental, by this I think they mean the one in their asylum. Usually, people who their brain badly affected by this imbalanced chemical is so harmless, emotionally.We just have to know the way to get through to them.

JT called yesterday and apologised. Well, it works in the end. He just need my cursing to get through to his thick scalp.He is heavy, he is my school mate.And he don't care...(apa ni, mic mix lagu Hollies & Beatles lak ni)

Friday, November 23, 2007


The first song on my Imeem list ni ditujukan untuk orang ittew, yang akan melanchong ke Holland. Walaupun katanya lawatan itu hanyalah lawatan muhibbah, marilah kita sama-sama mengucapkan selamat berjoli katak dan menangkap ikan di Amsterdam Red Light ittew.

P/s Lagu ini juga adalah lagu feverett Makji Eton, yang kununnya nak buat lawatan sambil belajar ke Edinburgh ittew...entah-entah (matilah speku) dia pun akan landing di Schipol International ...

(kejap lagi I hapdate ye, Kiah...aku tengah mendidik anak bangsa schizoprenia ni)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin - 3

He loves politics. Hate responsibilities. I read about someone somewhere in the blogsphere.This guy used to be the number 2 and then defeated, however still actively working with the United Nation after that.Now ni dia dah pencen. He sounded so much like me.

Yupp, I love politics.I read politics. I even studied Politics in Sheffield. Harus kan, Aizee...nak jadi lawyer, failed miserably pastu macam pandai ambil double major lak kan? Really tak masuk akal...but that is what I did. Once upon a time ago, I even sneaky read my father's political newspaper. He caught me once and he asked me what I think. I was only 17 and blatantly told him that they were all talking shit from their arse. It is all about power and control and their own agenda. People who talk louder than they should get to be selected and in the end, with the majority votes, fullfill their wishes. Semua orang pun salah.

PAS people used to distribute the cassette of the leader syarahan's and it was played with full blast volume in this very small mesjid in Batu 4, Port Dickson. I was taught mengaji at the same mesjid (or surau) I was only young but enough to understand when inappropriate words were used. In the mesjid, the supposedly 'Rumah Allah'. The UMNO is never better,organised syarahan with free drinks and kuih, janji manis muuuuuuu aje. Ohh..kita akan dapat jalan baru, jembatan baru..but what the voters are likely to see is that the tukang syarah will then tayang his bini baru.Some has been singer, actress what have you.

I have been reading some political blogs. It is amazing to know how each individual feel about things.What they do know amazes me. One claimed to know rahsia kerajaan but claimed that he is keeping it quiet until the big day. Rahsia apa benda nya, tatau lah. One even know about that Mongolian woman...orang dah mati, kalau tahu, ada bukti, buat apa tunggu election kan? And this came from people who kunun nya, tahu undang-undang.

My question is do we really buy all that? I shall hope not. Kerajaan and the opposition are people like us. They breathe, they berak and they sleep. The also made mistake and they are also can become the victim of greediness.

Politician, be it Umno ke or Parti Pokok Pisang, are the one with houses at the hill top. They hardly drive proton saga. They holiday in Europe and they have houses in Kensington. People like my parents, my bother and sisters are still the person who struggles daily. I was wondering that maybe they should be politician too. But there you go, living under plenty expectations. Nak misbehave pun tak boleh.

I watched the house of common debates regularly and see how the MP's was attacked with onsloughts of queries. On everything. Nobody have to resort to doing what the Malaysian have to do recently. Not many people are happy with the government but no one have ever feel so repressed in speaking their mind.

Maybe the government or the oppositions should stop doing what they do now...talking rubbish. And let the people think and be. We don't need Rais Yatim to tell us that we can't watch Beyonce and PCD in concert just because they refused to dress the way his wife did. Well, our young girls is hardly going to copy everything what they see isn't it? My sister told me that she never heard of Will Young but Gareth Gates did came to Malaysia for a concert. I told her maybe that is because Will Young is gay and gay musician can spread his gayness somewhere else but not in front of the Malay boys. Well, it's too late for that isn't it? MCKK boys beat them to it (larikkkkkkkk)

P/s Makji Esah masih demam dan memakan gaji buta kat tempat kerja.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin - 2

Since last week, the weather is like Haagen Daaz baru keluar freezer gitu. Apahal kan? Baru autumn. I went to work, still in my autumn jacket, hoodie sweater, baju pergi kerja and beneath, singlet apek. Punyalah tak nak mati beku. But that left my hands and head freezing.Nak pakai gloves dengan beenie hat kang dikata sasau lak..pehal kau dressing maut, belum winter ni?

I'm not feeling well at all this past couple of days, and just like any other normal people (yang tak memakan anti depressant cam saya ni) I would like to have a day off, nak tido,tido and makan sepuasnya (pastu jadi debab..lagi depress kan?)

One of the side effect from the pill is constipation (yang ni, tak yah makan happy pill pun, aku mmg nya susah nak berak) So, apart from makan AD yang di prescribed oleh doctor, I juga gigih memakan AD yang di prescribed oleh diri sendiri. Tapikan, Makji Eton, dua bijik sehari pun tak jalan-jalan senokot tu. Ni dah tak berak since Friday. Disorientated sungguh kepala hotak ni.

Well, have to go sit in the toilet now...manalah tahu ada hasil. Bila dah demam-demam ni, mulalah ingat kat Popia Basah, Sambal Udang, Nasik Lemak bawah pokok...karipaaaaaap!!!!! Adudui...seksanya.

Sementelah dah update ni, nak jugak bertanya kat orang yang selalu tido kat office tu, dia tak reti-reti ke nak update blognya? Kau ingat ko sorang aje ke yang membawak budak? Cuba-cubalah mengaktifkan diri tu. You know, orang kata, budak dalam perut selalu akan copy perangai mak dia.So kalau mak dia pemalas mandi, tidooooo aje cam Pak Lah or suka bossing the laki about, habislah buruk akhlak anak kau nanti...but, andai kata kalau kau mahu membenci, bencilah aku ye, nanti anak kau lawa cam aku.

Bye for now.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Platinum Blonde Siamang

I have a feeling that species siamang dinegara kita amat mudah dijangkiti penyakit amnesia. Well, people in a healthcare profession macam I ni, walaupun tak nak percaya bahawa penyakit-penyakit sebagini ujud, kita perlu memandang berat kepada sipembawa virus itu. People in my department selalunya akan disambut dengan report-report yang menyayat hati when we walked into office early morning. Si anu kata ada dia dengar voices yang camni, camni la, yang si anu lain pulak kata dia rasa kepala hotak dia dah terbalik la...macam-macam. We have got to keep an open mind about it. We rationalised things that seems irrational.

Siamang pada am nya, tah ye tah tidak...adalah sangat lemah antibodi nya. Most probably, energy yang ada dalam badan tu telah digunakan untuk menipu pompuan-pompuan suchee cam I ni (or macam Kiah?) or sesapa lagi yang pernah berpakwe-pakwe an dengan jantan yang pada awalnya, berjanji macam politician M.I.C (k.e.y.m.o.u.s.e.) and pastu bila dia rasa-rasa dirinya dah fed up, they will then become so deflated with thoughts, and later diserang amnesia and mulalah lupa kat kita ni.

I think my tablets helpes to relax my muscle (well, by saying this, I'm not prescribed with Diazepam or anything pam-pam okay?) I'm less self-critical.I've not seen F since we last parted on Tuesday. Ada jugak orang tu cuba hantar text, tell me not to be sad...but I think I'm done being sugar-talked.I meant what I said, I want to be alone.

I had anticipated my Siamang will berpusu-pusu membalas email yang kukarang untuknya semalam. Yes, he did. By the look of it, he replied almost immediately, you know laa..those people with incoming email beep.

Like usual, he will always talked himself out of it, how situation made him do stuff (oii..pakcik, bukan ke alasan tu Encik dah pernah pakai masa Encik bagi saya kad jemputan kawin Encik...Encik lupa ka?) Is there anyway to tell a man that you can't just get away dumping woman like that, and make it sounds like you have made a good decision for doing it, for the sake of both of us. Us? Kepala hotak lu!!! Plus...never dumped your ex tunang dalam kereta okay? Kalau nak break pun, gi la belanja KFC ke, nasik ayam ke dulu, pastu baru la cakap..eh, kita tak compatible ke hapa. We women always mengenang budi tau, sebab kalau perut dah kenyang so perasaan nak gi kapak kepala orang yang tukang cakap tu pun dah kurang. Men can always get away with dumping women right after a slap up meal and a shopping trip. We need a good news la...before giving us the chop. At least bila terkenang-kenang balik, boleh lah cakap..takpelah..dah takde jodoh..nasib baik dia belikan I handbag baru. Merasa aku dapat handbag LV ke...Chanel ka...Chelacca ke...

My siamang never changed. Although I might want to have sympathy over his predicament, I believe that he is sane/responsible enough to make that choice.What he must learn that when we make a choice, there is no guarantee that we are going to make a good one and there is always a risk. I believe him when he said that his feelings never change towards me.But...he already made his choice and pompuan bongkak like me, can't never comprehend being a second choice.Especially in my life, aku dah banyak kali jadi second choice...maklum lah, kan ke I ni anak nomor dua?

What irritates the hell out of me, is his selective amnesia.Betul takde psychology mamat ni. Do you know that, at any cost, we must not neglect people's past? Kalau you ada makwe or pakwe yang teruk kena abuse masa kecik, this is something that you have got to bear in mind and make you extra careful to deal with their emotions. We never know if people can ever recover from broken heart. It come and goes tau? He must know that I was an emotional wreck when we broke up (we, non!! he did) You remember that song...tersekat nafasku, kabur pandangan mata ku...amat terseksa diriku kerna kehilangan mu...that's how it feels. And trying to march back into your life and neglecting the fact that I was feeling 'Sudirman'...because of him and without even trying to understand, really, really upsets me.

I don't even want to be his friend. (Ehhh..cakap dalam hati aje...tapi bawah masih gatal kan Kiah?, Yang gatal gi hantar email tu bakpo? Sendiri jugak yang merana) But look at the brighter side, it's true that leopard will never change its spot...and Siamang, tetap tidak akan berbulu platinum blonde.

Happy weekend you all. Happy freezing wekend.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin (Bahagian Pertama)

KLCC Summit recently.Muka 3 ahli terpaksa ditutup kerana mereka mempunyai hutang kain lapuk yang mencecah jutaan ringgit.

Eyy, cam lahanat aje tajuknya kan? But, I remember seeing the siri bercakap dengan jin or iblis sometime ago. I think, if I remember clearly, the author is called Tamar Jalis. God knows how lah dia boleh bercakap dengan jin, let alone publishing the whole conversation with the jin. Well, today is my 2nd day medicated with that AP pill. One a day katanya. My dosage for that tablet is so low and the strength is only 10mg but looking at how panic and melodramatic I was pasal kena suruh makan that ubat mengalahkan Khairy Jamaluddin berkempen for that Ijok by election kan?

I have seen the effect of anti depressant on people.While I agree that some of them needed it ( by saying them, I might be one) I guess the whole part of denial is whether we are able to cope with the prejudice.I for one look at my current condition as a failure.Typical capricorn huh? I think I have to resign to the fact that although I think I known my own capabilities, I have no power over how my body will react. I want to do lots of things, want this and want that. Fine example, Raja Nazrin. Spent many years hoping that he will notice and pluck me out, apa hasilnya?

My headache has gone even before I telan that pil. Denial power sungguhlah perkasanya. I called my boss (bukan TDM ye, but different boss) to tell her about the pills. I remember telling her that I feel like shit.We talked about it, the positive thing about it. My body really needs a rest but my brain is directing otherwise and they just need to tell the brain to take it easy.

I slept well these 2 days. In fact, I wanted to sleep more but work is stopping me. The 'jin' side of me keep goading me to neglect the physical needs hence telling me that I got the power. I should have agreed to be signed off sick. I have embraced the ego so much that I can't bear people thinking that I'm going loopy and need to be put away. Setan speaking lah ni.

As a result of physical ability toppling the mind ability, I have done quite few things since Monday.

Jantan Tembam....as you know (based on what was told) a complete neorotic idiot. We spoke last week when I wasn't in the mood to argue and just let him go on and on ranting. I just played my active listening role before telling him that I will call him back. I did. The first time since relationship/friendship bersambung kembali ni, I actually called him back. And that was yesterday. There I was, rabbiting to him....through and through....and I bet he will now rest in peace, where ever he is. Nak dengar sangat kan? I think, that is the end of JT. Podahhhhh!!!!!!

Before leaving home yesterday, I told F that I need to spend sometime alone...(dah bergaduh malamnya tu) and that is what I did. Alone yesterday and today.

When I was in KL recently, I terjumpa my ex. Yes you all, my ex...yang kalau boleh nak aku axe kan kepalanya. Ni lah padahnya gi bersidai kat shopping complex dekat dengan office dia. I have managed to ignore all his emails but seeing him in flesh really membuatkan hidupku bergoncang-goncang.Not wanting to live with perasaan bergoncang-goncang for long, I emailed him yesterday.

I told him that I'm glad I was dumped.One person has to make that choice and it was him. He have to live with it. That reminds me of what we usually read or heard, that people breaking up on a mutual decision. Mana ada? There is no such thing as mutual decision, when people say that, they're just lying to make it sound nice.Men always come out with the idea. The ketidakadilan is always with men. If they are the one with the idea, they expect you to agree with them. I remember some girlfriends who tried to end it with their boys, 'Eh tak boleh lah, dia tak setuju'. Eh...apasal pulak?

My ex was my best friend before we decided to call ourselves each others lover. I always believe that sexual attraction will not last that long. To be apart from him is painful (hey..dah berapa kali dah cerita pasal ni hah?) I will always going to have this conflict with him. The love was there, it have finished long time ago but the hurt of being betrayed will stay.Longer than it should.He is a single man now...for the last 3 years.Even if I am going to be attracted to him once again, I will always going to remember his betrayal.

In one of his email (yang baru ku jawab semalam) he asked if I still love him. I said yes, because it is true.But honestly, apart from benefiting me in mengumpat about him in my blog, I can't see any future. He can stay where he had left us.And I just want to remember him as an ex (or axed?


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Confirmed Sewel!!!

My persistent headache got the better of me this morning, and I had no choice but to ask for emergency appoinment. Ni lah kelebihannya kerja satu wings dengan sepital, nak appointment boleh mintak sesuka hati aje and tak payah queue. Penyalahgunaan kuasa betul.

Doctor yang bangang itu insist to have my urine sample dang dang tu jugak...macamlah kita ni ada built in batang paip kan? But because this headache is irritating, I managed a few drip, hah!!! Pueh hati kau, Doc?

We chat, in between the formality of surgery, ambik blood pressure and soklan-soklan lain yang menyayat hati...and whaddayaknow....

I have been prescribed an anti Depressant!!!

Tidakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!! We argued. I'm in total denial. I told him, I sakit kepala aje, apasal pulak nak bagi-bagi ubat ni? I can see that he is about to write something in that chit, 'you're not going to sign me off are you, Sir?' Puaslah si Doctor tu sweet talk me, tak de benda lah , tu lah, ni lah...last-last, he came up with this

'I'm giving you a course of 28 days, see how you feel after that and okay, I will not sign you off work'.

Kiah & Bella, in our last meeting, did you see anything that can suggest an indicative of a psychopathic behaviour?

Arhhhhhh!!!! Arhhhhhhh!!!!!! This is very degrading.

(Bersambung.....I need some air. )

Monday, November 12, 2007

Sewel Lagi...

My weekend categorised into 3 splits happenings. While they maintained 'happenings' as in things that literally happened in that 2 days, if I may answer few confusions/questions from my far right shout box.

Husz, happy belated birthday? Not until January dear...and since we are talking about birthdays, January will mark that I am going to be as same age as Kiah. Now you know that Kiah is slightly older than me. So Kiah, toksah nak berangan ye...(haippp..dimanakah sifat sensitivity ku ini) But Husz, I will take this as an early birthday wish.Fenksss (Thanks in cockney accent)

To Yatie, blog gambar anak beranak pun takde hal...bagilah kitorang tengok.Manalah tahu, laki you hensem ke...waduhhhhh!!!

Siti Azrai, since you have been here, I'm sure that you are aware of the immigration formality thus I am not a qualified person to dispense advise. I have had few of my applications in the past turned down and that maybe made me understand how the HO people work and how to speculate decision.But please, other than what you already know from reading, fire away the questions.

The One With Tertinggal Mobile Phone (Happenings 1)

My boss, my partner is so convinced that the work stress had taken its toll on me.I was advised to take on another leave just to chill but being a denial that I am, I just passed this work hiccups as one of my occupational hazards.Bongkak betul.Although the sign is so clear...one being I tertinggal my mobile phone kat office untuk kesejuta kalinya. I was so excited making plans with MB nak jumpa Hjh Leemah (yang current statusnya menjanda until Friday) and suddenly remember that yesterday was her 1st Wedding anniversary. Dalam pada membuat plan, I left out one most important person in my plan, yakni Hjh Leemah sendiri. I did not confirm where and when to meet, but expect everyone to turned up happily on Sunday at where they were supposed to turn up.I had to rush back to office on Sunday morning just for that bloody Sony Ericsson. The first person I call was MB and of course, MB terpaksa scrap plannya dgn I, takut orang putih tu kecik ati and without MB, camanalah I nak beronggeng jemput Hjh Leemah. We had to devised.Sorry lah ye, Hjh LeemahRam.

The One With Being A Weekend Vegetarian (Happenings 2)

My beloved F, is a Vegetarian. A staunch vegetarian. When we first met and the first 2 years together, me eating meat is a no no in the house.I had to clean my mouth and make sure there is no traces of animal in me before I gi jumpa dia.Macam sial kan? I did made an effort to be one, mana tak nya, hari-hari kena brainwash...everytime I speak about buying fish and chips or KFC, F will then lecture me on things like, kalau I makan drumstick, F will them visualise any legless chicken walking around poorly sebab aku dah makan kaki nya, boleh tak macam tu? Or an entrapped chicken that can't make an escape for freedom sebab kepak nya dah dibaham oleh aku yang kunun nya tak ber peri kemanusiaan ni. Weihhh......tak banyak sikit, terkeluar lah jugak that image of wingless and legless chicken dalam kepala hotak I. I started eating salad and some pretend meat and this effort lasted only for 2 weeks and there I was, scoffing Big Mac again. Mampos lah!!! Disebabkan I ni boleh tahan jugak keras kepala nya, F can't do much but to lift the ban on animal eating from me. Only I have to eat it in the kitchen. Takpelah kan...

Anyway, last Saturday, I was out to do food shopping (by myself since kaki si tua tu sakit) and while combing through the freezers, I realised that I was so deprived of many nice things to eat and of course, they are animal for goodness sake! I become angry, sensorang. Most of the time when I am with F, I only eat vegetarian food, kerana chenta lah katakan....(chenta hapa benda ni, sekarang ungkit balik?) Sekarang ni M&S, Morrisons la, Waitrose la semua tunjuk grilled Turkey in their Xmas ads and for sure anything like that, will not be on our table during Xmas dinner. I came home home after shopping looking stressed, according to F. It is not until last night yang I bagitau dia that I feel that I was made to feel deprived from things that I want. Why can't I bring back KFC and why do we had to be in a separate room bila I nak makan ayam and why fish and chips is still banned from the house. Of course this gave F confirmation that I am indeed depressed pasalnya sebelum ni tak komplen pun. Banyaklah cantik...just because we speak out when we not normally do, kita ada mental instability ke? Sedap kan..orang putih ni buat conclusion?

The One With Midlife Crisis (Happenings 3)

Orang kata, orang pompuan takde midlife crisis. Well, I really beg to differ. Sesiapa pun boleh ada crisis kalau dia nak. Okay..I may resign to the fact that lately ni I felt quite mentally challenge. What you do expect, I never laugh so much in my life when I was attending our KLCC summit (as Kiah beautifully put it) we sat in that restaurant sampai kena halau, we eat, we drink, we gossip. I realised that is what I missed. A banter with a friendly and familiar faces...none of us was intoxicated and the only thing that was stopping us is that we realised that among us, 2 dah berlaki. I had so much fun In Dublin...and now in London, I just feel so crap. MB dah selalu tak jumpa and JT pulak...hishhhhh!!!! Sakitnya jiwa!

With F, my weekend is exclusive (unless kalau aku auta dia kata kena kerja, tapi lepas pergi Dublin la..pergi Birthday party kat Cambridge la...) Nak angkat telephone pun takut. I'm not sure what it is. It is only fair that your partner want only you after a weeklong of busy working pattern yang kenkadang tak jumpa langsung.I can understand that and I am happy to submit to this commitment demand. Macam motormouth, I told F about how I feel.Nak bergaduh sangatlah kan...

I suddenly feel that my life is so boring while orang lain buat tu buat ni, here I am feeling so recluse. When I was younger girls my age were trying out Marlboro & Salem Lights, ber experiment dengan pakwe (siapa budak TKC tu?) keluar clubbing and what not, I was at home being this nice docile girl with less demand to my parents. I feel so trapped. I even scared to cut my hair very,very short and highlight gila babi without thinking that father might mati sakit jantung menengok anak nya yang sorang ni. I asked F if I can do that and selamba aje dia cakap, keep it dark, I like it dark. But what about what I like?

F summarised this conversation into 'you are not ready for commitment, you hate being with me, you want to have fun with your friends and not me' and anything sewaktu dengannya.

I don't know what to think.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Sewel World

This is my 335 post (wuihhh..BIG DEAL!!!) and also my second post for today, live from work. Kesimpulannya cuma satu, yakni, Makji Esah telah melakukan satu perbuatan yang terkutuk, berblog dari office. In my profession, ni adalah dikira salah satu dari dosa-dosa besar, pasalnya, I work with the NHS where so many lives depended on it, akan tetapi, where others macam nak mampus saving lives, here I am still in my puny dirty office, typing this post. Like usual, my life stories takde satu pun boleh dijadikan iktibar. It is either I will tell you that

i) It is okay to tak bertegur sapa dengan sedara mara, mak bapak and kengkawan yang telah meng cross kan hati kita or

ii) It is cool to be gay, bisexual, omnisexual and whatever sexual orientation yang membabitkan diri kita dengan apa-apa saja, asalkan tidak ular and anjing (sebab Makji Esah takut ular and anjing) or

iii) Orang-orang kat Malaysia tu, dah dibagi public transport yang canggih tapi masih lagi tak berdisiplin dengan berpura-pura tidur dan mengabai kan mereka yang mengandung dan yang berpura-pura mengandung padahal terang-terang perut pompuan tu memboyot and conveniently disregard the sign to allow the seat to the memerlukan, sepuak lagi yang masuk train macam anak-anak kambing Mary and tak nak kasi chance pun orang yang kat dalam yang nak keluar and yang paling keji, dalam bus RapidKL meraba pompuan suci macam I ni dalam bus, akal mana ha?

I just realised I have not properly congratulated my SCANDAL, yang telah confirmed mengandung. Dalam pada dia busy berkerja dan mengomplen, sempat jugak dia membiarkan dirinya ditebuk tupai.Well, Kiah, tahniah semoga tercapailah cita-cita mu mendidik anak-anak tupai harapan bangsa. And kepada sesiapa diluar sana, ketahuilah oleh you all yang mengandung ni bukannya perkara mudah, walaupun masa nak membuatnya amat mudah, in out gussshhhhhhhhh!!!! Kiah is now having a hard time dealing with her emotions. Please, kalau dia nak makan roti canai, tolonglah belikan sebelum dia mengirai you all jadi roti canai.

I just finished my last session with a sexually confused middle aged man today. I have been seeing him for the last 6 months, we actually finished our work 2 months ago but because dia ni kiranya pesakit chronic jugak, I will have to keep my door open for him in time of crisis. He was referred to me again last Monday and because I am also in crisis and the only way not to think about my personal shortcomings is to keep myself busy, I agreed to see him.

Like always, he needs reassurance, which is easy to give, with a right words. Sometimes, I am so tempted to make suggestions. Hmmm...this guy is married with 2 kids but have been having homosexual thoughts eversince he can remember. For the last 2 years, he have been seeing a man half his age. He loves this man however, he feels that he is turning into a woman, emotionally for allowing his homosexuality takes charge of him.He feels the need to be with his wife so that he can renounce his masculinity.

Sewel ke, tak sewel? He is so graphic with his thoughts, macam dengar audio porn pulak. Today he confessed to me that he chose to see me (a female worker) because he feels the need to boast his ego as a man. Apa kejadahnya?

Like always, I am blessed with naughty and evil thoughts for my patients, and I certainly have plenty for him. Looking at him, there is no indication that suggest that he prefers a stick.But nowadays, looks are very deceiving. You can still do Aznil Nawawi and announce that you are straight like an arrow just because you got 2 kids.But, how am I to know what he really prefer kan?

Man say that we woman are selfish. We tend to want more than what they can give.In Malaysia, the jantan gatal will use this as an excuse to embark on an affair. Listening to this man, enough to tell me that it is really man that wants more than what we woman can give. Most cases are when men actually don't really know what they want. But still making unnecessary demands. Where have I heard that? JT kan? Si Tembam yang over demanding tu? Mana dia hah? Wouldn't you all like to know?

See you soon.

Mood Terbalik Episod 1

When I went home recently, 2 days before my flight back to LHR, I managed to sit tight at home and spent time with my father, whom I obviously avoided. Hmmm....bukan tak suka, but cannot stand the guilt trip my father is capable of giving, especially to his anak derhaka ni. It was the longest 48 hours, not that I regret at all but being already detached, physically and emotionally, giving in to the usual banter is something I try not to get into.

Orang kata, make use of all the time you have with your parents when they are still around. If you are a logical mathematics bastard, you may agree but as you know, anything can happen sekarang ni. Adik or abang can die before your elderly parents, and when they're gone, you will regret not being nice or spending time with them. This has happened to me. Speaking of being nice, you really should, tak kiralah to who, anak ke or mak bapak. Only, we are not obliged to. I have also seen parents regret of not being there for their kids.

I known few people who are not 'kamceng' with their parents or adik beradik. I'm sure they have their reason. It is so easy for people to say, alaahh, kita ni hidup tak lama, biar bygone be bygone lah.Well, itu you, bukan I. Senanglah you cakap kan?

I have my reasons.Since I arrived, I havent call my parents to tell them that I have safely arrived.Like I said, bukan benci or anything.My father and I are very close and after coming out from his shield, I learn to fend for myself and it is not easy.When I was bullied at school, I will call him and mengadu habis-habis.He was a busy man with places to travel, but he always have ways to reach out.In return for his loyalty, I submit to all his demands although that left me a very unhappy person.

At times I can be very lonely here and at times, I am this young girl who needs a father and a brother even. But, they are not within reach.Leaving KLIA every visits is not easy. I never allow any of my family member to take me to the airport.I don't like to look back. I don't like leaving them behind.

I'm not sure if one day I'll regret this, not being 'friendly' to my family. I told F that I miss my family. F said I should call. Speaking to them is only making things worst than they already are.This is just my way of coping. We are just different from one to another. People with unlimited supply of opinion are free to say how ungrateful I have been to my parents.But surely, they will never know how it feels.I think this is probably why I decided not to have kids. I am one myself.

(Nampak sangat kan, makan gaji buta kat office sekarang ni. Boleh buat posting tu before lunchtime)

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Boring Stuff

Racked with guilt (ceh,aku cam pandai-pandai aje) TDM, boss ku yang berambut ginger itu, since semalam lagi dok hantar text la, call lah just to ask if I am holding up well (baru padan muka hang, ingat apa, I ni tak pandai menjawab ke?)

My partner reckoned that both of us behaved like 2 schoolgirls, as in, I dok merajuk-rajuk and si TDM dok memujuk-mujuk. The thing is, I told TDM that I was upset with her (as I write this, my kemarahan dah jadi past tense) When she was pestering for the reason, kepalaku yang beku beserta slow reception yang semula jadi, I can't think of why I was annoyed with her. Si TDM ni pulak, perhaps guilty gilababi (ye la, kat sini, kalau boss cakap kat orang bawahan tak bertapis, siaplah kena bawak masuk Industrial Tribunal)

I decided that I really have to rise above my shitty feelings by agreeing to speak to this Asperger guy, nak bunuh diri sangat katanya.With me already feeling like to kill someone and this guy dengan tak fed-up fed-up nya nak bunuh diri sendiri, our combination was perfect like a hair gel. When the session ends, I realised that all I did was staring at him. I let him talk and talk, answering his own questions and confusion, while I just sat there giving him a blank stare. I think that what brought my mind back to the room is when he asked 'What do you think I should do?'

Today I went to work an hour late. I decided to have a lie in longer with F, something that I have not done in the longest time. From what I previously wrote, you may guessed that we have a such volatile relationship. Sometime we do.We fight and argue and we both never win. I am such a headstrong character.And I often wonder why F had stayed. (Ni tak termasuk kisah-kisah kain buruk we all yang dah puas ku war-war dalam blog ni tanpa rasa malu)

On the tube, I realised why I was so upset with my boss. I was having a hard time at work prior to this, with all that back stabbing and stuff. Si TDM helped a lot, in her own way. Her tongue may be very sharp but she is giving as good as she can get.I have a lot of respect (walaupun my spare time at work banyak dihabiskan bersama Miss Nigeria bergossip mengutuk dia)

I made a list of my feelings today and in the end, I discovered that I was upset because I feel that after all the work that I have done, she still think very less of my capability and all made worst by showing me up to the bosses (by sending her emails to them) Tak sakit hati kau? I tried finding other similarisation, and I remember this guy, a friend of mind once told me how he fell out big time with his dad. This guy kira nya kera sumbang, didn't mixed with people his age and orang kampung and keep himself to himself. Although all that, he is very docile to his parents and will work very hard to pleased them, tak kisahlah orang nak cakap apa. One day, terjadilah satu masalah kecil and what his parents did was to listen to outsiders rather than believe in their own son. This guy told me, 'I can stand when people bully me, disrespect, slander me of all kind but what I can't take is my own parents not having faith in me'. Hah...sampai sudah lari dari rumah. Tinggal mak bapak, tinggalkan kampung.

That is how I really feel about the whole thing. Not so much on the orang sewel issue but with people that I looked up to the most, boleh question my ability. But, as I was told, 'This is business, we still have to deliver our service'. Meaning, segala feeling, feehlong boleh bawak gi masuk dalam longkang. Cisss...

Monday, November 05, 2007

Don't Read

You be surprise to know that there are some people who get their kicks by ruining someone’s day. I so believe that this is true. I have been having difficulties at work since I returned from my break (trust me, I wish it was longer) I don’t know why I become over sensitive lately ni and not wanting to blame it on the moon or more precisely my menstruation cycle, but this shitty feelings is generated from someone who can’t stand seeing other people ‘normal’.

Nak kata counter-transference (the psychological term people at work use if you carrying a burden of someone else’s shit eh? betul ke ni? something like if you pinch your right thigh, tah macam mana the left boleh terjangkit sakit nya...macam tu lah, if I'm not mistaken) it sounds like it. One of my special friends was recently impregnated during their limau Bali fuelled night of passion. By the sound of it, kedua-dua pesalah itu macam dalam denial tapi nak buat macam mana kan? It is so difficult to say no to the tupai and with the ‘L’ licence (Laki), maka tupai-tupai bebas menebuk lubang keatas kelapa-kelapa mereka. Susah betul, tak dibagi, dikata derhaka pulak kan?

Ada sorang lagi pulak tu, kena kapur bila gi gunting rambut. What’s with the timing lately ni? I’m not saying that this tupai or bloody hairdresser really set out to upset; it is just bad timing where every little mistake can erupt cam cirit-birit like chronic dysenteries. Sial kan? Nevertheless, to whom with extra baggage, what else can I wish for you but a smooth pregnancy and Bella, kau bomb ajelah kedai tu. Pueh hati.

I get easily irritable lately ni. Big chunk of it is due to some PS** at work yang tengah datang bulan gila and really kerjanya semenjak Jumaat lepas is to menyakitkan hati aku. I must say that majority of the next of kin to a PS** is doubly sewel than the affected one. For so long I have learn not to take things too personal with my patient and of course, we have our day’s yang macam sial, macam gula-gula and macam kopi tawar.

Things that I hated the most is when the bosses decided to side with the sewel’s and dengan tak ada etika dan moral nya, face you off to your patients. And you are now left with feeling so worthless, just because the patients are the clients.

Today, my boss si TDM decided to pour the hard dettol on my 5 inches wound (drama...drama...) by sending me an email, with copies to big bosses listing out the complaints made by the Sewels against my service and questioned my ability to give out treatment. I was shocked and stressed and until now, 12 hours later after I opened that damned email, I still can’t do anything but to stare at my computer screen.

I feel like to cry and I must tell you that I am not the sort of person who easily cry unless if I am hurt. I think I did cry dalam hati and nak terlepas jugak sikit-sikit when I told my partner. Out of anger and frustration, I replied TDM’s email. I answered all her questions and on the comments of my competency, I just wrote,

‘As for that comment, as a trained and qualified XXXXXXXX, I am confident of my own ability to manage the crisis situation, however if my non-panicky response in that situation suggest to them that I am incapable of attending to the patient crisis, I wish not to comment further but to ask you and the management to supervise me’.

After this email was sent, I took time to analyse my own state of mind and my inability to keep myself behind the wall of professionalism. I read my email out to my partner, who remains my best advisor. We agreed that it was emotional and rather confrontational. For hours I was agonising if I should apologise to TDM, but if I do that, they will never know how upset I have been over this.

TDM called few hours ago, just to check on me and to explain herself. I told her that I am upset with her for not backing me up and how she chose to take side with the sewels and by doing so, undermining my credibility (the only thing that I have at work) Do I feel much better after speaking to her? I am an inch close to ask for to be demoted voluntarily.That bad. This may be a small matter at the end of the day, but sometimes damped match stick can light the biggest flame.

**PS -Paranoid Schidzophrenia

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Love Tales

Elviza, si Ratu Takleh tidur malam tu (mesti tidur dalam opis ni...macam orang yang kerja kat Klinik Pergigian Suster Ngesot tu) was asking to hear/read about love story. Untuk menyambut seruan itu (since I noticed that semenjak dua tiga menjak ni, aku macam dah takde cerita lain dok mengutuk JT aje) Takut la nanti, you all suspect yang I am concealing my real feelings pulak towards him. Real feelings? Benci adalah!!! A woman usually have high interest in love, not saying man are not but we woman, suka benar me reminisce kisah cinta, jadi and tak jadi. Macam la takde kerja lain. Hish!!! I now will share with you all my love stories yang terbahagi dalam category-category Balada, Irama Malaysia...eh silap nyah, category Requited, Unrequited, Putar Alam, Monyet, Project Angkasawan and Bangang. I’m sure there is many more catagories but as I am not a love expert and most likely at 34 only a love novice by nature, my love category is lesser than average. By telling this, you will now know that I am the most self-absorb, boring, perasan nak mampos, gila and anything sewaktu dengannya. I must remind you that my love stories are general, ada unsur seksual, persaudaraan, sumbang mahram ala-ala Mawar Merah and just simply, mengarut.

Requited (Cinta Berbalas)
Obviously, one my cinta berbalas is my cinta to my family. Tu pun baru dua tiga menjak ni. Masa kecik-kecik tak kira, although I know that my parents love me unconditionally. Adik beradik masa kecik semuanya cinta puaka and terpaksa. Geng hari ni and tak geng esoknya.But since masing-masing dah tua dan dah duduk jauh-jauh ni, my brothers and sisters are the best. Recently when I was in KL, my two sisters went to so much trouble finding me a Roti Jala. Of course la kan, Roti Jala in exchange with Mark & Spencer bra....macam la aku tak tau. But the feeling of sisterly love is more than the material value (walaupun Mark & Spencer bra itu lagi mahal dari Roti Jala) and the bestest part is to be together again on the same table without bitching about one another. Bless.

With my current partner, our attraction was mutual and the rest is history (walaupun adakalanya aku rasa nak bunuh dia) This is always the difficult part of the requited love. First, when you like someone and that someone is feeling the same, you got to balas their cinta. For substantial amount of time, you’ll be very happy.Then come to preserve and to maintain the longevity of love, which is not easy. At this time, you balas your own cinta because kalau nak tunggu orang tu, sampai mampos la. The love is there, just need nurturing and it is very hard to get the other party enthusiastically involved. Is this a love fashion? That wear and tear after certain amount of time or is it just men, who after number of years, become dysfunctional?

Unrequited Love
Yang ni, tak terkira banyaknya......Anuar Zain la, Acis lah (well, best woman win lah kan, Sheila?) Raja Nazrin la, ish...

But there was, a cinta tak berbalas story when I was 18 to 19 years...I was in NCUK, Shah Alam. I was at this time Siamang’s unofficial girlfriend. I still remember him. His name is Ayob and he was at that time working with my uncle. Siamang has a habit of making me feel so uncertain about him and about myself. During the period of uncertainties, I befriended Ayob. He is so good looking; never mind me, but who cares. The most important thing that time is that he has the look that kills and I was worshipping the land he walks on. He must know that I fancied him but, siapalah nak kat aku kan Kiah? Sampai tua lah tak lakuuuu...

Putar Alam
Siamang.Who else? We are talking about a man who swept me of my feet, promising earth, wind and fire, nak seberangi lautan api (eleehhh...lompat across longkang pun belum tentu) The same man who proposed and promised that he will eternally love me and no one else in this world and back again. The man who crooned Peter Cetera ‘Glory of Love’ kononnya untuk aku. ‘We gonna live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love’. As a woman, I can only dream if these kinds of lover exist. But this lover of mine eventually marries another woman. This lover of mine cheated on me, twice. He is the epitome of ‘Bumi ini berputar diatas paksi nya’. Really celaka.

Monyet (Puppy Love....eh..anjing kan takleh pegang?)
Honestly, I don’t think I have one. I am a late bloomer, tak reti nak ber chenta-chenta ni. Father said once ‘Masa sekolah takde nak cinta-cinta’ and so I wouldn’t dare. Furthermore, boys at my primary school are gundus and I entered Convent School during my secondary year at school and after that, MRSM...yang mana bebudak lelaki nya, okaylah...for example JT. Harap muka aje once upon a time dulu hensem. My first love is when I was 16 and he was the only man I ever love (ni tak campur unrequited love, okay?) And I really envy budak bohsia TKC tu yang kecik-kecik dah pandai French kiss ye?

Cinta Project Angkasawan (High Speed Love)
My own definition of cinta Project Angkasawan is cinta yang kenal hari ni, ajak kahwin lusa and break up next week. Wuishhhh....adalah 2, 3 orang. After siamang, during the rebound period, I met my Angkasawan no.1, a mid thirties millionaire. Many was surprise why his money didn’t enticed me. Jawapannya, money is one thing. I guess that my problem at that time is that I want something that I can’t have. Although I quite like to have his money, I cannot see myself falling in love with him. Adalah dating barang sekejap. He like to take me out for dinner and for a pompuan malas masak like me, cinta yang macam ni memanglah dialu-alu kan. He is under lots of pressure to beranak, maklumlah dah cukup umur and desperately looking for wife. Until now I don’t know what he sees in me but for sure, I broke his heart not long after we met. I hope he is now happily married.He is indeed a good man. I je yang sewel.

Angkasawan no.2, adalah budak yang 2 years younger than me. I tell you, I don’t do younger man. You must be at least 5 years older but this man is really persistent. Bad timing. I was on a rebound and yes, I used him to get over Siamang. Like Angkasawan no.1, I also wish him well.

Angkasawan no.3, one of my clerks. Ni kes, syok kat I, tapi bagitau kat orang lain. Sampai kat Pakcik jaga gate pun dia pi bagitau. I was about to leave for UK and then came his proposal, by text message. But it’s too late, rocket dah nak naik masa tu. And rocket tu masih belum turun-turun. Tersangkut kat Twickenham.

I and my cousin used to think that our uncle (our mother’s half-brother) is hensem maut. Ish...really the sumbang mahram kan? This uncle and us are not that close so there is no such thing as uncle’ly love between us. We thought we fancy him or sesaja nak tiru cerita Mustapha Noor that ‘Mawar Merah’ where he fell in love with his anak buah and later died in a car crash.Tak kuasa laa...

Another of my cinta bangang is when I was younger (berapa umur tak ingat ni) and I was talking to one of my friend that I wish I can marry Chef Wan, so that ‘masak memasak serah padaku’. Bila ingat-ingat balik, apa? Kahwin dengan Chef Wan? Who needs Radio Station? I might end up physically and literally jahit mult dia dengan mesin jahit Singer.

Let’s do this as tag. I like to read yours, tak kisah lah sesiapa yang baca ni. Love stories is forever very interesting. Elviza, if you reading this, you may now go to sleep as I have successfully bore you to oblivion.

P/s To whose yang pernah baca blog Kak Peragawati Top. I must say, this is one that I enjoy reading the most. Good for my mental health. Unfortunately, his musings come to a halt and I never heard anything. There was a nasty rumours saying that he died in a crash. I keep on going to his blog, still no updates at the same time really hoping that the rumours is just rumours, after all, orang memang suka buat cerita-cerita mengarut macam ni. His blog become the victim of nasty people who posted nasty message during his absence. One day, it just gone, and only invited readers can read. I vaguely remember his email address and posted a message to him. I never hope to get a reply. This was months ago. Last Monday, I checked my mail and I saw an email coming from Peragawati. I am so relieved. Although I may never know who he is, at least, who ever he is, he is not dead. And he will be back. Maybe. Kak Prag, if you’re reading this, thanks for your email and hope to see you back in action soon. I miss you.

Happy Birthday to Belladonna......yang menyambut besday nya yang ke 03 hari ni....ehemmm