About Me

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Respect Your Flaws

KLIA yang sungguh purrfect

I shadowed a teraphy session with a 40 something man today.Unlike my other clients,he does not have any visible disabilities.Just emotionally disturbed.I was quite looking forward to 'do' him as this will be my first case of a person with less complicated nature.

He amazes me the way he deliver himself.As much as I dislike his arrogance,I admire the fact that he acknowledge that his usual self wasn't acceptable.He came from a very humble background,unimpressive tertiary education but however managed to bag himself a fortune in the property market.He is a hopeless romantic with series of failed relationship.His 'basic' issue is merely, accoording to him,just being unhappy.He want to 'feel' normal.

Having doing the work that I do now,I am able to differentiate a true account and a make believe story.This man make us believe that he had such life,making up all its complications and the unhappy endings.Such a facade.

In my previous post, I have ruthlessly 'bubuh' the people who think that they are god on earth.This is what we usually diagnosed as 'Borderline Indicative Of Psychopatic Behaviour' as they behave in a way they feel comfortable (however bad) and satisfy their anxiety by painting other people black.Metaphorically.

I can imagine people like anonymous (ohh..you must also know that they have severe back bone complications) who seems to receive pleasure by critisising others is a repressed individual themselves.

People can be repressed either voluntarily or forcibly.Those who choose to be repressed voluntarily are those who live up to expectation of others,mould themselves to fit in and get accepted.Hukum alam lah ni.I met plenty of these 'voluntarily repressed' individual when I was working with ASTRO before.Trying so hard to fit in and they neglect their usual self.It ended up making them depressed but you know lah orang kita, depression is something they malu nak mengaku.Jalan mudah is to take it out on other people.People like this should be burn to death.Just because your life is so fucked up,it doesn't give you the right to fuck up other people's lives too.Bahlol!!!

Forcibly repressed individual common case in those who are stuffy in their own closet or anak-anak orang alim that is expected to be as alim as their parents walaupun hati digaru-garu nak pergi joget.This sort of people is forever unhappy however perfect they claimed their life were.Macam this man.Perfect (by his standard) but unhappy.Like those who were trapped in their own stuffy closet,nak ikut hati and nafsu takut kena kutuk so nak puas kan hati, start kutuk orang.Deny sehabis-habisnya.Yang anak Pak Haji yang bengang tak boleh pergi juget tu pulak,startlah mengutuk kaki joget tu sundal ke hapa just because they themselves tak boleh nak ber 'Macarena'.Celaka kan?

Well, back to this perfect man.He is a voluntarily repressed individual.He neglected his own needs just to satisfy the reputation he set upon himself.Yes, he has a perfect life, perfect according to hiw own set standard but that is not what he really wants, deep down.

I can relate to his yearn.He wants happiness.All I can think of today that in order to feel happy, we have got accept our own flaws.Are we comfortable with our own skin? Honestly, I fantasised of a perfect life all the time.At times, I'm glad I choose to do what I do now.Working with the disabled, made me realised that nothing can ever be perfect and you have to do what best for you to make and keep you happy.

Expert said that if you hated someone so bad, it is not that someone that you despised, it is you.Think and make connection.It made sense.The man talked so much about his hatred towards woman that 'only after his money' and all that slag.But really, he was talking about himself...and inadvertantly hating himself, maybe for what he is not.

It is funny how many of us out there who are ever so willing to crucify the flawless homoexuals but does not bat an eyelid to those omnisexuals that would bed/raped anything...including their own flesh and blood.Are they hating homosexual because thet are not one?

Selamat membuka mata and minda.

P/S To all my friends,I'll be hosting a makan-makan party at my buruk flat this Saturday.To the furthest,please count on Lee & Heaven to makan on your behalf.If only Malaysia is an hour away.But I will not stop you if you insist on getting a first flight to Heathrow tomorrow.We will be thinking of you.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Awie & Hantu Jepun

I'm so postive that I have recovered and back to my usual self is when I feel the urge to start membuat dosa-dosa kering yakni mengata orang.Eventhough I have not been active as much, I have been reading and observing rather a lot.I feel the urge to 'mengata' to quite a few people.

Kata-kata nista pertama dariku ini khas ditujukan untuk someone who called him/herself 'Hantu Jepun'.First, I would to compliment his effort for reading.Mind you, not many people who like to read nowadays.Termasuklah aku.I'm sure si HJ yang bijak bistari ni is a nice person however, not nice enough to promote diplomacy and appreciating one's right to a total freedom and privacy.I can only guessed that HJ is a male or if I like to gamble a bit deeper, a hen pecked male.The type of man who will resort to makan taik if his girl ask him too.

Human life orientation aside,what gave you the right to question one's 'fitrah'? What ever religion we believe and follow, surely we must admit that god creates us and bestowed upon us our personalised 'fitrah'.I was laughing hard at his statement 'Melawan fitrah tuhan'.Some people, backed with a littlest knowledge sometimes seems to feel and think that they are academically astuted.Fitrah defined many aspect of life and the obvious one is human's disability.HJ must be pleased to be 'blessed' with the 'normal' fitrah and his normal 'fitrah' has now gone up to his head and awarded him the full right to critisised the one with the abnormal 'fitrah'.Well, good on you Hantu Jepun.I am so appeal to question Hantu Jepun ulterior motives.What was he doing in Lee Novotny's Blogpage in the first place? Maybe grooming himself into 'melawan fitrah'?

My second kata-kata nista seterusnya ditujukan kepada penyanyi Kumpulan Rock Haram Jadah Berkepak, Awie yang baru-baru ni telah melangsungkan majlis tayang bini baru nya kat Port Dickson, tanah tumpah darah period ku ittew.Awie juga tanpa rasa segan silu telah mengeluarkan statement 'saya lakukan semua ini atas rasa tanggungjawab sebagai lelaki, suami and bapa'.Tanggungjawab yang macam mana tu Abang Awie? Kahwin sorok-sork, after a year baru bini dapat tahu...then bini mintak cerai, pastu kutuk bini..and now, tayang bini baru? Kenapa tak buat majlis tayang menayang ni a year ago?

Please help me with this silly mathematics....Ex wife Awie mintak cerai kerana Awie kahwin sorok-sorok + Awie buat statement dalam suratkhabar sambil nangis-nangis kerana terlalu hiba terpaksa menceraikan ex wife nya - Awie again made another statement mengutuk Ex wife nya yang kununnya tak bertanggungjawab sebab tinggalkan anak x Awie sekarang buat promosi besar-besaran menayang bini barunya untuk tontonan umum together with a message 'Saya lakukan majlis ini bukan untuk balas dendam....'.

Apakah persamaan Hantu Jepun dan Awie? I am so incline to imagine that Awie and Hantu Jepun is a lookalike bastard.Awie pun ropa cam hantu gak...dah la rupa cam hantu...and they both are equally dumb...talking shit from their arses.

Bukankan lebih baik diam-diam jangan mengata orang.Lainlah akak ni....budi bahasa dah le takde, kuat mengata lak tu.

Another thing yang mesti di address dalam post ni ialah orang-orang yang tak berkenaan yang suka datang mengacau walaupun tak dijemput.I selalu jugak nampak pengebom-pengebom berani mati ni...datang blog orang, pakai nama anonymous pastu post message keji kat blog orang.Tak suka lifestyle orang tu lah..tak suka ni lah.Yang pergi baca, siapa yang suruh? Kalau bagus sangat, tinggal lah nama and address, boleh kita buat forum perdana, ye tak?

Ni semua perangai terrorist lah ni.Macam yang tak sedar diri kat UK ni.Tak sedar mak bapak datuk nenek lari dari Pakistan lah, Afghanistan lah...dahlah dibagi kesenangan oleh orang-orang yang in the end dipanggil kaffir ni,terasa diri tu suci sangat lah sampai nak buat kacau and bunuh orang-orang lain yang tak berdosa.Dah tau UK ni tempat kaffir, apasal tak lari aje pindah balik kat Pakistan ke Afghanistan sinun?

Cam ni jelah..datang rumah orang...ingatlah diritu hanya visitors aje...tak suka boleh blah.Nak bagus-bagus, duduklah rumah sendiri ye. Sekian.Berkhidmat Untuk Negara.

P/s Only helping LeQ, doing my bit for a dear friend Lee.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Non Committal Entry

Dayang Nurfaizah Takde Kena Mengena Dengan Masalah I

When I was ill not too long ago, I seem to have more time watching telly.Every channel, every daytime and night time talk show.British talk day time talk show are quite usually not very brilliant compared to the one that earned the night airtime.But that doesn't stop me watching from opening to ending credit.

Honestly,I have never been that ill.Not been to able to stand,walk and work.That kind of ill.I walked around the house with jimjams dengan tak mandi.Preventing all the wet energy.Difficult enough to get rid of the trapped bit that was shrouding my pair of lungs.When I came to the office today,one of my colleagues said to me that I look different.I honestly don't know what she meant by it.I guess that is the agony of being a woman.We don't seem to able to take everything at the first face value.Always suspecting ada udang disebalik batu or expecting there is another meanings of everythings.When people compliment or comment about your present hair,you can't help to wonder, what is wrong with the previous hairstyle...buruk kah?

So when this Polish lady told me that I look different now, I wonder..apahal lah pulak...makin tembam ke aku dek tidur macam kobau? I was lucky that my in tray was too heavy to carry its own weight, all that need sorting out and by that, I have less time to pikir all the tak patut dipikir things.

I spent almost half a day doing prep talk to my clients.Addressing what went wrong, complaints and what nots, site inspection, catching up with emails etc.Cuba-cuba jugak nak baca blog kawan-kawan tapi apakan daya mata and kakitangan tak cukup.Rasa bersalah bila tak boleh nak layan masalah kawan-kawan...tapi, insya allah...bila workload dah surut 2,3 hari pasni, akan ku berikan perhatianku yang tak berbelah bahagi.

Last Friday, in last attempt to selesaikan my masalah rumahtangga,I travelled all the way up to North London nak melawat Frankie.Liza dok pokpek pokpek dengan I asking me not to ikut sangat my hati batu, jumpalah dia bincang cemana-cemana.Dalam sejuk-sejuk, harungi jugaklah.Nak harap dia datang Twickenham, takkan adalah.Bongkak gila.Lepas peristiwa Lou 'slow talk' dengan dia that day,Frankie dah tak nak consider langsung visit I.

Frankly, the main reason I pergi is to see how I feel about the whole thing.Dah dekat sebulan tak jumpa.Bergaduh on the phone selalu.Exchange of words,jangan cakaplah...Frankie is so lucky yang I ni bukannya suka sangat mencarut.Kalau tak, habis dah dia...I ni, habis-habis marah pun, will only cakap..Ahh..piss off will you..and then letak lah telephone dengan ganasnya.Tunjuk marahlah tu.Yang jahanam nya telephone rumah aku.Gaduh ni tak nya yang bawak untung.Hati sakit, telephone rosak...naik lagi bill.Nasib baik kat UK ni banyak convenient all landline call free,Mobile phone free minutes yang pakai tak habis tu...broadband bayak sekali (12.99 aje per month, 8mb lagi) lantaklah berinternet dengan sewenang-wenang nya.

What I did over the weekend is discuss,gaduh..discuss,gaduh.Nangis-nangis...and in the end,takde jalan penyelesaian pun.The only thing that I agreed on is to make time to visit Frankie during weekday...and spend the weekend together.Ni belum cakap lagi ada plan dengan Miss Germany dengan Heaven this Saturday.Siaplah kena karang auta malam besok.

I guess, put aside all the moan above,all I want to say really is that committing is not easy.Especially a non committal person like me.I never have to commit with anyone.Hatta dengan mak ayah sekalipun.I want to explore further about my reluctance, on why I'm finding this situation suffocating, as much as I want to love and be loved,having knowing people that is expecting so much from you is mind aching.

I hope to have more time in my hand.I shall speak again soon.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Ochestrating Life Based On Fantasy...Is It Worth It?

Thank you all for your kind words.I am still in a prickly condition with my partner.Neither of us can hold a civil conversation at the moment.Too upset and angry.I am so glad that my GP signed me off for 2 weeks and that means I will not have to be bombarded with cracky head problems until next Monday.

I'm doing all I can to stay calm.I have friends that listened.At least they know what I'm going through and keeping unnecessary things out of my way.I want to comfort eat but my Tuna Chilli Green Can has yet to arrive.Waiting in vain giving me nightmare.Manokah ekau...asam-asam ku yang sexy?

When I was at my early twenties,my counsins that in the similar age group were racing themselves to get hitched.Everyone was talking boyfriend non-stop.Inviting them for raya for general exhibition for ours and the neighbours benefits.How imbecile.

By the time I graduated and returned home,the pressure mounted.By this time my exhibitionist cousins were already married.One in particular (just because she is geographically close) keep saying about the joy of early parenthood.How I will miss out.Well,god is great.She only conceived her one and only baby 3 years ago after 7 years of trying...mengata aku sangat.Forever I have opted for an easy respond to that.I smile and smile.People will corner me at my late brother tahlil to ask 'bilo kau ni nak kahwin'...and I still smile.Couple of years ago, I thought putting words in my smile will help me further.Everytime they asked, I replied 'Em..takde orang nak'.Thought they will stop,but they didn't.They form their own 'agency perkahwinan' for me as if I was so desperate.Honestly,none of this people are my parents or siblings.Just the unwanted branch of the family.

Things they don't know and I don't tell is that I have my own description and specification of life partner.I grew up in a happy household and maybe unhappy marriage.I'm not in a position to critisised my parents union as they both did a good job raising all of us.Of course I have seen and heard some nasty thing.I sometimes questioned my mother's inner strength.With a husband like that.

You heard abour my meeting with a perfect man that eventually dumped me for someone else.Well,wrapped.As I grow into maturity of thinking and living in a less pressurised atmosphere,I begin to create my own fantasy of a life partner.I want someone that I am comfortable with.Someone that I can talk to about anything however sensitive and will not offend each other.Someone intelligent.I'm not looking to building empire together, like buying house and all that.Everything here is equals.I earned my way and you earned yours.And we share.

My current partner is the product of my fantasy.We spent months of talking intelligently.Making sense of world politics.We played computer games and discussing books.I never had this activities in my relationship before.That man was busy worrying about if Man U will make it to top 3 Premiership.

I was so happy.This relationship can go further.We fought like cat and dogs but fighting and arguing strengthen your communications together.This is the partner and life I want.I created this.All according to my plan.Of course, along the way we did plenty of psychoanalysing and we seen through each other.In future there will be no battle of weaknesses.This is so not my parents marriage.

We talked briefly yesterday.After many,many days of vengeance silence.But I can feel that it is now very dificult to mend.Sarcasm didn't help.Our long duration of separation has created a bad fantasy about each other.

As I said,things are not that easy.We still have strings that tie us together.Until we sit and talked,I can't say anything more than 'it is so difficult'.

To all, thanks for your thoughts.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Revenge Sleeping

For the past 72 hours, I have been sleeping like kobau.The longest.My only communication with internet is when I want to read the online local newspaper and checking mails.However ill,I need to shadow some work.Some key people in the office has gone sick as well and weather, as usual never helps.It rains if it wants to,temperature increased whenever and in house radiator took ages to fight the chilling temperature at night.At times, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very,very warm.The chill dissapear and radiators heating is still riding high.Bangang!!!

The enormously strong antibiotics contributes to every aspect of my lethargy.I was thinking that if I am physically tired,psychologically I'm probably knackered too.I have to apologise to my patient via Miss Nigeria for unable to do session with them.I'm sure some of them is probably very pleased.The common comments that I received from my patient is that I managed to make them talked about things that they don't want to.Some feel a lot happier and some doesn't really like to face an ugly truth.So many ugly truth even I myself can't bear to contain.I can understand how difficult it is for some people to let out some ugly part of them.Once out,you have got to find a way to deal with it.Some succeed and some failed miserably to cope.

My 72 hours of marathon sleeping came across to me as a revenge.I don't sleep that much ever since I can remember.And now, I sleep because I simply don't have energy to do anything else (not exactly true...I sneaked out to Mark & Spencer yesterday)

I feel quite hypocritical about sleeping.Day in day out I have to tell people the ugly of excessive sleeping.These are the people that I have to keep awake.They were made sleepy by their medications and their physical and mental movement can be badly affected. I have seen the effect of sleeping excessively.The quality of life spiralled to the lowest bottom.

In a psychodynamical theory, sleeping more than we have to is one form of escapism.The sleeper will be disenchant from their happy thoughts.Mind will work less when you are asleep.

I don't quite agree with that theory until today.In a way, I slept it all because somehow I feel very relief.I'm facing a huge relationship problems that my concern flatmates have to get involved by speaking to my other half.I know for sure if only I can see this coming,I wouldn't have attached myself that easily.As much as I keep saying that 'I can do without',my current situation is more complicated that it look on the surface.

The easiest way that I can figure out now is not to think about it.I managed that quite easily when I was asleep.Now that I am widely awake,it just follow me around like a shadow.

How I wish I can tell you but I just have to work it out myself.

Dear all, thanks for stopping by.Pray wish, I will speak to you soon.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Uncomplicated Comfortable Life


Someone I know rang me today.Someone I know from another mates.Because I don't announce my current health status, apart from to you all and my boss,he is in complete oblivion of my chest infection.I decided not to excuse myself as he sounded very,very down.He rang me because someone said that he can talk to me.Since when am I offering a therapy service? Apart from not overly qualified,one thing that people must know when choosing a therapist is that the therapist cannot know you.Why? That's a good question.Most of us seems to think that closest mate is someone to turn to when you dilanda kekacauan jiwa.Not exactly true.Friends can comfort.But I honestly don't think you will tell them almost everything.They will judge and quite possibly come up with wrong conclusions,unintentionally.I have this feeling about him wanted me to talk with him about his problems in an intellectual discourse, friend to friend, rather than allowing me to to know him in a more direct way.

For a start, nobody will see a therapist because they have money problems.Nor do if they have physical pain.You have got to see someone who have no idea who you are because they are unable to judge or making nasty assumption.They will listen and because they are not at all attach to you,the will find a way to point you into right direction to deal with it.Therapist can't cure.You have a problem, you have got to solve it.Often time that when your jiwa is kacau, you can't see a light in front of you.Your world become smaller and ever ready to suffocate you.Therapist usually don't have a slightest idea about you.They imagine and fantasised how you life is and will be by seeing and talking to you.If you come to them with a problems, therapist won't have a clue about what caused it.But if you talk to a friends that know you even with slightest informations,the help rendered isn't actually neutral.If you a wife beater,you tell your friends about your problems and this friends who knows about your sejarah hidup,this friend of yours will have the idea at the back of his/her mind like...ohh...your father is like that and now you.Assume and assume.

Back to this bloke.His found out that his wife is cheating on him,caught them together in their marital bed.He is very troubled by it.Because I know him,shamefully, I got the gist that he is more embarassed rather that being upset.He admitted that he beat the poor unsuspecting lover boy to pulp and have not seen his wife since.Too upset he said.I can't be cow and say, oh, I'm not a right person you can tell this to.I comforted him.The more we talk, the more his fear comes out.He is too angry that make him scared that he might do stupid things.Of course in between that fear, he professed his love to his wife.Non stop and it is very hard to accept such betrayal.

All I offered was, think what is best for both of you.I admire his courage.He went for all that trouble to talk to me about it.Mind you,men don't talk about this thing emotionally.What they tend to talk if they really want to talk is always a disparaging remark about the cheating wife,if they really want to open up.I can imagine is doubly hard for a men to tell their mates if they caught their wives in bed with other blokes.Your mate might think that your wife is easy,been knocked over and they will probably want to have a go as well.Men sometimes cannot accept that their pride is been insulted,big time.

After a while,alone...I started thinking about him.I can't share this with him because his my friend.What I heard from a sobbing man just now is more to a despair of losing authority.It seems to me that when this happened he became frightened by the feelings stirred up in him and would retreat back into his capable,managing role.I was moved by his dignity and reserve.His authority over her is fiercely intimidated.He can't get over that, his failure to maintain his authority over her and that is what is bugging him,enough to make him homicidal.

My ex fiance cheated on me.Well,anger and upset aside,I want to know what will be the end of it.Will there still a future and have I love him enough to give our relationship another go.Well, I did.Sometimes comfort play a big part in a sustainable marriage.Love is there, even if its under nourish.You spent such a long time with a person.It is like a good fixture and is you let it break,it is like your one arm being amputated.Still manageable but less comfortable.Cheating party can get away with a simple sorry and won't do it again.Quite often, they mean what they said.Is difficult to come off your comfort zone, however unhappy.Women usually will hang on because of many reasons.Men,if they are the cheaters, first there is difficulties to cope with the embarassment of getting caught and second,long thinking, it is better a long standing wife who knows you inside out rather than a stupid,luscious fling.Divorce and separation happened when we feel or see there is nothing to salvage anymore.No future whatsoever.No comfort in relationship make separation lot easier.You know very well in your head that you should start anew and hope grass is greener somewhere.

This friend of mine is very comfortable.They bought a house together,have a nice car and their life pact beautifully.He is happy,hurt but happy.I don't think he will leave his wife.He may as well forget her fling and move on.He just need to deal with his anger.Life is too comfortable for them both.

I'm so comfortable being independent.Frankie is scared of that.I'm always can do with and without.Made no difference.Shattered emotion yes but no total breakdown.But it is good to have someone who cares and love you as much sea.I'm in a process of detaching.Regulations make it difficult.But, as I said, can do and can do without.There is pleasure and pain.Live your life by day.I do that.

Thank you for the well wishing.I wish you the same in return.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Against Doctor's Words.....

Hi Abang Lekiu, Marilah Kita Main Patuk-Patuk Bersama-Sama.

Sedap Woooo....

Nyaman Bah...

Abang Handsome Yang Makan Sorang-Sorang.Matilah Paparazzi Gambar Terbalik...

Despite constant effort from people I know persistently asking me to rest, I still managed to get myself into some health difficulties today.Twice. Well, I did rest yesterday.In fact, I slept longer than I normally do.Mind you, I'm not a greedy sleeper.I sleep late and somehow I managed to get up same time as Lou, who of course lah got to have an early start considering she works in the school.

Ketot was off work today, and as usual, she can't bear not doing anything.She is such a planner.I told her about my craving for nasi lemak and I know that the nasi lemak at Lemon Grass in Oriental City is tastier than their other contenders.Of course, I like Nahar's too, but I dan't fancy travelling to Central London.In my condition, public transport is out of the question.Jalan kaki? Haram sekarang ni.Ketot is ever so willing to drive anywhere the nasi lemak is.But is better going to Colindale than Bayswater.Plus,the thing that I am so tak larat is Bayswater and kawasan berdekatan dengannya ada ramai orang Melayu.I am not at all suggesting that I am no longer 'Malayanised' having live in England since 1991.For a reason I can't explain (really, I choose not to in case I might upset Malays that is reading this) I would rather not associate myself to that 'Territorial Malaysian' that consist of Orang-Orang Kerajaan, whom the greatest hobby is speaking ills of other Malays.

Armed with Winter Jacket, I sat quietly in the Mini, navigating Ketot who tak pernah ingat how to get there independently even after beribu-ribu kali pergi.Before that, I asked her to dropped me at my office since I just remember that I have some paperworks to sign and letters to open.Against Doctor's order,I went gallivanting around town just to cari sesuap nasi.I can feel the pain when walking.It seems like my chest kena perah.My tongue felt bitter, quite possibly caused by the antibiotics.

We ordered Nasi Lemak with Teh Tarik and Roti Canai that came with assorted dippings.All that came to 10 pounds (kalau kat KL, boley ber round-round makan tu) Half way through menjamu selera, Makcik Lou called to mengadu how terrible she was feeling being made a tea lady for her school open day.She asked us to tapau Noodles and 'Pancake'.Well, what she really mean was 'Roti Canai'.I can't help to think that we converted her into being a Malay.She ate rice regularly because her other half suka makan nasi,she likes noodles and now Roti Canai.She can mencarut as well not knowing that words that she learnt from Liza is mostly caruts words.She also has started to follow some of our custom, but tak nak cakaplah what.She was so shy when Lee asked her that during the CP reception.

Since we are out, I talked Ketot into going to Ikea because I needed a thicker duvet.But I tell you,we never follow what we were there in the first place for.Apart from thicker winter duvet, we also gatal bought other things as well.Sempat lagi membuat dajal kat orang.Look up there for the evident.Khas untuk Abang Lekiu ku yang tercinta.Seriously, now is not a good time to bershopping spree.Christmas is coming that there's so many present to buy.Kan Lee ? Kan..kan..kan...

Combing through the departments making me tired and at time breatheless.My tangan also sakit.Is there any connection between them chests and hand, because when my chest hurts,tangan pun rasa lemah.

We went home straight and I pun start mengemas my bedroom that is so close into becoming tongkang pecah.Moved this, moved that and I suddenly can't breathe.I must have collapsed backwards and I heard Lou (who was passing through from our front door) asking Ketot if I am okay.Ketot came in and asked if I want to go to A&E.I keep saying no,no,no.After a while,I managed to stand myself up and made tea for myself.I was so takut I was dead.But I didn't tell them.

I always wish that if one day that my time is up, let it be in Malaysia.Senang kerja.Tak yah repatriate badan I.Buat menyusah saja.I really,really hope that.Some years ago,my ex MRSM school friend, who was studying in Wales, died in a car accident with her twin brother and her boyfriend.I travelled down to London from where I studied to pay my last respect.I can only imagine how the parents must feel.Own children travelled back millions miles in a box and lifeless.The cost of the repatriation was huge and she was so lucky that her father is a Datuk who was at that time,heading a local bank in Malaysia.Kalaulah yang mati tu anak nelayan ke, penoreh getah ke, tak ke sakit mak bapak nak bayar? Touch wood.......

Having pneumonia is painful to me.Macam sakit jantung.I crutched to my chest whenever it hurts.I have started discharging the trapped phlegm more easily.It never finished.Betapa banyaknya air dalam my paru-paru.Living up to its name, Paru paru Berair.

Well, all I can do is rest.Today escapade is a one off.Terpaksalah cancel nak tengok Casino Royale tomorrow.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

High...on drugs notes

Pneumonia, confirmed!!! Along with the doctor's judgement,my sentenced is a weeklong imprisonment in my bedroom.No visitation or parole allowed.I plead through my human rights lawyer to fight on my behalf, can I still have my mobile phone and internet connection? Yes.Since the human right barrister was moir.

I executed a work decision while highly influenced by drugs.In bed and in absolute drowsyness.Work to me is like Siamese Twins.I wish I can seperate from it completely.I don't know why I still can't.Maybe because I am lonely and throwing myself at work seems to justify every inch of empty spaces.Miss Nigeria keep texting asking me to rest whilst she 'berperang' on my behalf.Dealing with people problem is not as easy as dealing with computer.If you work as a computer fixer,once fed up,bengang or penat, you can easily switch them off, store them aside and continue at a later date when you're sober from your irrational intoxication.Dealing with the broken soul require high energy that can only stop when they stop.I called the people I work with a 'Broken Soul'.Why? Sounded harsh,this is the reality.Their life complications can't be mend unless with Yoda Superpower.The live by day.Some are good and some can make you wish that you have a licence to kill them.But, they are still a breathing soul.Can't do much.

One of the broken soul that I currently work with is suffering from OC Behaviour, on top of her mild learning difficulties.It is well controlled by a prescribed drug,merely to keep her calm but not exactly to wash it from her system.

One of her obsession that our team is finding it hard to deal with is her sexual apppetite and her reluctant to spend her money.It is always going to be a battle and god knows how many times I have had problems with DWP regarding her excessive amount of savings.Giving informed choice sometimes evaporated into a thin air.Useless.

Miss Nigeria rang me last night reporting her unusual behaviour.Mind you, the Broken Soul have no consideration of others because they only know about that this world are beautifully wrapped around them.Owing it to Autism where in their world, nobody exist but them.

Recently, this young woman have befriended a young and obviously vulnerable young man.We are quite pleased with the positive relationship,in fact,the professional related to her care think that this is a new leaf for her after plenty of disastrous unrequited relationship.

But what they failed or refuse to acknowledge is that she can never hold a positive relationship without a support.That is her learning difficulties bit.Her mental health problems bit is she refuses to listen to other (possibly thinking that she is right) and the OC bit is she is insanely obsess with this young man.And we have got to deal with this 3 beradik yang syaitan.

She ended up stalking him.A natural curiosity turning into unhealthy preoccupation.Her love for this man has turned into a pathological bent.She has completely lost her sense of boundaries.We realised but her current appropriate professional keep saying that this is a positive relationship.

On behalf of all the stalker out there, on the deeper level, I think that they projects a part of themselves onto their victim.This are the point that the stalker ceases to see that they and their victim are separate.If you read my blog, you must know about my experience with Wan Zaleha Radzi.At some madness point, when I can't be with her, I opted to be 'like' her.I'm so lucky that I still have a power to separate owing to no defect on my brain at birth.Shameful truth, I was 50% like her.I got a same degree (from law switched to econs),I tried to like what she likes and ended up driving a same type of car.God knows I tried to like horses but there is certain much that you can follow.It was indeed a hard act.But, I have always maintain my innocence.My obsession was a healthy one.I was a clueless person.Thanks to my immature days.It is good that I obsessed with someone so 'bagus' like her.Buatnya I obsessed dengan some ppl who tak pass SPM and only berangan for anak Sultan Brunei to pinang them, how lah? Jadi penternak anak yang berjaya lah kesudahannya with perks.Not forgetting makan hati because your rich husband are ever so eligible to replace you.

This young girl obsession for a boyfriend is a mass displacement, in which we seek to live out our lives through other people.My message for Anne (Miss Nigeria) is simple.Talk to her.Try to break down such vicarious fantasies.Choose words carefully.They don't like to be persecuted.In a way, in a long run, they will reclaim the different parts of themselves and find the strength and ability to see joy,love,jealousy and hatred for themselves, in relation to people with whom they are intimate in reality.

I'm not sure we will succeed.Her brain is not strong enough to understand.This is why some of us are still unable to see the good fact.Because of their learning difficulties.Nobody's fault.

To all the people who are not well like me, GET WELL SOON.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Pneumonia...Hah!!! Hambik Kau Sebijik

I was very reluctant to abandon my chat chat session with Miss Germany & RK. Dua tiga menjak ni sibuk nak mati kat office, adding with persistent cough yang kengkadang rasa nak tercabut paru-paru tu.

I was feeling very poorly on Monday.Call in sick but still buat kerja kat rumah.I tried getting an emergency appointment with my previous GP yang baik hati (that guy signed me off 2 weeks dek Chicken Pox that day). Talipon talipon, receptionist tu kata I dah kena de-registered.Pasalnya, dah pindah rumah tak bagi tau.Ehh, bukanke I dah delegate tanggungjawab membagitahu-membagitahu authority ni kat Si Ketot? Bukannya malas or apa, Si Ketot tu mempunyai PR skills yang amat tinggi.Maklumlah, bekas MACOM Director kat 5 star property.So, it is better her than me.I ni lain sikit.Terlampau practical.Choice of words pun practical.Manalah orang tak takut.

So,tak dapatlah nak jumpa GP.I pon cepat-cepat contact Miss Nigeria suruh dia carik nearest GP to my home address and I suruh dia booking appointment serta merta.Hah..terasa pulak dirini macam Naomi Campbell yang gila kuasa tu.So,dapatlah I register dengan new GP semalam and dapat appointment hari ni.

In my opinion, pengamal-pengamal perubatan kat sini, semuanya trying very hard not to succumb to prescribing drugs semata-mata.They will make you talk about how you feel, every single detail like kalau ada gatal bawah ketiak pun, nak bagitau diorang...bagitau lah.Kalau tak betul-betul sakit cronic, jangan haraplah Doctor nak prescribed drugs.Mau disuruhnya kau balik and rest cukup-cukup, minum air, makan buah..makan pisang...dan sekian-sekian.

My new GP did the same.I told her how I feel.That is I feel well but physically weak.I also told her about my sudden weight loss considering I makan cam babi.Betul you, macam babi.Laparrr aje.Timbang-timbang 59kg.Kira-kira itu ideal weight lah for 5'8 person like moir.Badan takdelah lawa cam Jessica Alba tu...ada gaklah lemak sekeping 2 yang memalukan.So, nak tayang bits and pieces pun rasa awkward.I'm talking about me not having a washboard tummy.

I tell you, I hated feeling like this.Ni semua penangan SIA lah dulu.They have their own grooming officer that is paid officially to watch your figure.So, I cepat panic kalau orang kata I debab.Mulalah aku start berlari kat treadmill for 5 miles.Karen Carpenter kot aku ni? Ataupun pure gilo?

I also told my GP yang I rasa amatlah lemah sekali.Bangun duduk pun tak kena.Check punya check...I was very honest about my antibiotic escapade.Nak tipu-tipu pun, kang tak baik-baik, siapalah yang susah? Aku jugak kan? GP tak marah pun and tanya I if antibiotic yang I curi-curi makan tu ada kesan.I cakap takde.

Check tu, check ini.Blood pressure dari dulu lagi ada problem.Asyik below average aje.The GP raba-raba belakang I.Tanya kalau-kalau I hisrok.I cakap I duduk serumah dgn org-org yang hisrok tak hengat donia.Cemana nak lari dari jadi passive smoker.GP suruh inhale exhale.She told me she heard 'crack' on my chest.Intelligently described for 'flatable' chest.Penuh mucus gittew.GP cakap, kalau first antibiotic tak berkesan,dia nak bagi yang power rangers punya.She also said that this antibiotic (yang dia prescribed for me) is for treating pneumonia.I tanya dia, I ada pneumonia ke? She told me the symptoms explained it but,she hurried me to go to West Middlesex Hospital yang penuh dengan Filipino tu.Buat Xray.My GP pun gunakanlah kuasanya to get me a fast track appointment.

I went and I did.I paid for the antibiotics and now I'm at home, feeling sorry for myself.Disebabkan I ni sebatang kara kat sini, first point of mengadu is kepada Si Ketot tu.Cam Siti Nurhaliza lah pulak...aku meminta pada yang kasihhh...aku merayu pada yang sudi....aku mengaduuuuuu....bla bla bla..

Si Ketot macam rasa tak berdosa je bila I bagitau, part of my chest complications is due to asap rokok yang macam asap Kak Melah Ram or Kak Nita nyanyi kat Puspawarna.The only thing dia cakap, jagalah diri....kita ni dok kat tempat orang.Pastu dia dengan bongkaknya kata I ni tak sakit apa pun.I pun dengan defensive nya jawablah..belum tahu lagi tu.Apalah motive aku cakap camtu?

I kena signed off work for another week.Masalah kat office bertimbun-timbun tapi telah ku kerah Miss Nigeria ittew menghandle nya.The last I spoke to her, she sounded very,very stress.Aku pun cakaplah...hah...sekarang kau rasa apa yang ku rasa.

So,aku ni kepingin nak makan McDonalds.Nak period kot ni...makannnnnn aje.Risau jugak dengan pneumonia-monia ni.Sudirman kan mati kerna ittew? Nurse yang jaga digital imaging department tu,tanya-tanya I lagi..are you sure you're not pregnant? Berkali-kali...sepak kang.Dah lah aku kena catwalk (or bia walk more like) dengan baju ikat belakang pasal nak ambik gambar xray tu.PR skill nurse-nurse yang diimport ni memang takde langsung....buat announcement lak kuat-kuat..don't forget to loose your bra...jantan yang dok depan I pun naik malu.I tak malu pon.Maybe dia malu pasal dia takde bra kot?

Yang aku pulak bangang, out of all day, hari ni lah pulak gatal nak pakai sports bra yang tak harus dipakai bila keadaan darurat camtu.

Anyway, all was well.Result will keluar in 7 days and besok ada major check up lagi.The only good things about NHS ni is all free.Bayar duit ubat aje.Kerajaan Malaysia patut copy bagi free health service.Takyahlah orang-orang Malaysia kena masuk paper mintak derma everytime anak diorang sakit.Kalau Istana Agong boleh buat baru, rumah PM boleh buat baru...takkan orang sakit teruk takleh bantu? Not many can afford private.

It's about time lah Malaysian voters buat demand.Kalau tak, takyah undi.Biarnya merasa.Tengoklah aku...pneumonia-pneumonia pun boleh jadik penghasut lagi.Larikkkk...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

3rd Party Anxieties

I would love to discuss my recent case with you all,but let me englighten some 'vague,odd yet questionable' bits about me.I never knew people would notice,and if I may,I'll tell you the meanings behind the odd thing that I did.

I pakai wrist watch on my right hand.
The logic behind it is really because, my left hand is weak.I joined Karate when I was 6 and got caught in a freak accident while stupid demonstration with my abang.I needed 3 stitches for that and because of it, I inadvertantly refuse to make use of my left hand a lot.So, my left hand become passive and 'invalid', in my wildest 6 years old thoughts.Subsequently, I worship my tangan kanan like mad and wear every single accessories only on my right hand.

The 'Freud-Newton-Jung' Analysis - Those who worship the right hand is in awe of taking control and authoritarian.Good or bad.

I pakai jam anti clockwise.
The logic behind it is because, disebabkan aku ni ganas macam jantan, permukaan jam tu selalu bercalar-calar.Following the law of physic,untuk mengurangkan hayunan gravity,it is a lot easier to have the 'face' the other way around so that you can save yourself from doing the whole pusingan 45 darjah.All that equals to pemantauan gerak ganas & malas.

The analysis? Same as the first one.

You all must know that Social Worker is the most hated profession in the UK (I don't know about worldwide) People's perception is about us telling them how to run their lives, taking their children away so on, so on.The bit they missed out is that we represent the individual who is unable to reach out,emotionally repressed and too vulnerable.People here are so lucky to have Social Services that are watching them.I read about this bloody old man in Malaysia who has just been released from prison after raping his own daughter.Not even a year after his release, he re offend and raped another daughter and is now back in prison.

Where was the Social Services people in this? His female family members are obviously should be put away from him considering their vulnerability and his past history.People might assume that he dah bertaubat after all that years been locked.So wrong.They took chances.Yeah...he loves his daughter...with every inch of his manhood!!! Patut mati aje si tua kutuk ittew.

This is what Social Worker does.We protect the vulnerable rights.The vulnerable quite usually can't speak up for themselves and quite often were abused.Social Worker do not tell/teach people to run their lives.Social Worker just pave a way to a better living and of course, if godwill, to prevent unforeseen things like the development of a future monster.Human upbringings contributes almost 75% of how they turned up.Social Worker usually saved the innocent ones from the evil upbringings.That is amongst the common things they do.Job scope is insanely huge.Nak cerita pun tak cukup page.

I mentioned before that I'm doing this job by choice.I could have do other things, less stressful job with more sociable hours.When I turned 28, I did a lot of soul searching.I questioned myself a lot.I am happy with my life but I'm not happy with me.That is unfortunately very much related to each other that, if you're unhappy in one, quite possibly you can end up unhappy at all.

I left my 'high profile' job and I started from scratch.I met Frankie at the same time while still finding a right path for me to walk on.I am graciously greedy for self satisfaction.The fastest satisfaction you can get is when dealing with people.Almost instantly you will know whether you're doing a good job or not.I have been following what I called an intended life path.Father wants this...I do this...that goes on for many,many years.Not that I'm unhappy but somehow, I realised things doesn't seems 'okay'.

I have a curious mind that ultimately made me a weird person.Weird in my own discipline.Along the way, I know I had some issues needs resolving, without knowing what it was.

It seems appropriate to make some generalisation about the anxieties that are stirred up in those individuals.How these anxieties can lead to the need to for contact.One of the ways of thinking about these contacts is in terms of parental anxieties.We may beset with doubt,will we be alright,will we managed on our own,was it help helpful or should we do something different? We are so familiar with despair.We feel anxious and concerned, only to find when we return or look back,life has been going well for us.We survived this far.It is not that our anxiety has been pointless or misplaced, but rather we may well be doing what our parents do for us; containing the anxiety, holding on to the fear that the child will not manage for itself.

One of the hardest aspect of learning is to accept that parts of your lives is private.I wish I can explore further on this but, I'm still finding it very hard to accept this myself.

I guess that what I really want to tell is that I'm greedy and selfish.This is a greedy and selfish job.It looks like you're lending hand to others but the fact is,you are really helping yourselves.

If only my explanations make sense.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Sapo Deh?

Dek bizi yang amat-amat, I barulah bukak email hari ni.Adalah satu email dari cousin I yang buat part time kat CNN (beroperasi dari rumah dia sendiri...if you know what I mean) yang ada gambar someone call Fazlee yang baru kahwin.

Honestly, I tatau sapa Fazlee ni.Sedara I ke dia? Nampak sangatlah aku ni tak campur orang...dia famous ke? Tapi uolss...mmg pakcik Fazlee ni saudara I.Saudara macam mana,I tak tau.Kalau dia ada hubungan darah/sulit mulit/or anything that could qualify him to be related to my cousin CNN yang juga first cousin I, mako sedaro lah kami.

Not wanting to be rude, is this man someone famous in KL? Apa kerja nya? I malu nak tanya my cousin because quite oftenly her respond would be...hah, kau tak tau ke? Tu lah kau ni, tak nak pergi jalan rumah orang...blah..blah...

My cousin ni,kalau ordinary sepupu kami yg kawin, takdelah dia sampai email-email gambar kat aku.Yang musykil nya tu, she seems to have forwarded to plenty others.Hah...

Demi yang menyelamatkan diriku yang tinggi lampai ni dari kemaluan yang amat besar, silalah bagitau I, siapa Fazlee ni and apa nama sebenarnya.Kalau uols tau dia anak siapa, lagi bagus.Boleh I trace mak bapaknya from my parents....

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Over Justification Sometimes Not Required...

Itik Angsa Yang Garang Telah Mengejarku Dipagi Hari...Celbeds betul

I volunteered for my local health service 'Crisis Line'...or shall I say, I used to volunteer for them before my hands become too tight.It sounds easy.Physically it is.I just have to be at the end of the telephone line and listen.People assumed that people like me can solved 'serious issue'.That is a common general assumption.They think that we 'judge' and we 'over analysed'.Truthfully? We don't.We are ear lenders,in exchange of some humble remunerations.And majority of the caller is male.As much as they want to keep things inside,some of them are wise enough not to make themselves edible to their own insanity.We don't know who they are but We are glad that we were there to listened.

There is also certain etiquette to obliged to.We can't listen to those who are close to home...if you know what I mean.We must not have connection against one another.We have to be visible to each other only in the treatment room.Don't asky why, but if you give yourself a moment to think,there is a big fat reasons for that, one being emotional attachment or to be cruelly put, judgemental.

Enough preface words.I don't have time.I had a wonderful time at my mate's Civil Partnership Ceremony & Reception yesterday.It is so sweet to see two people declaring their love and commitment to each other in a equal way.This is the thing that I love about Matsalleh's weddings.When they say their vows, they say it to each other and they say it together.Equal opportunity.Cultural differences aside but isn't it nice to declare feelings and promises to each other with family and friends as your witness? Well,they were very happy in the end.So was I and Lee.We had so much fun browsing 'vontot' and 'pisang'.Thanks to the unique concoctions of ubat batuk,lozenge sakit tekak,champagne and Diet Coke,I became deadly 'bengong' and started to mismatch Lee with any jantan we came across.I stayed over and slept soundly.Lee, if you're reading this, sorry lah ye.Nak buat cemana...

Today,I looked back and started reading again.My blog page that is.I was having some irritable moment these past couple of days but it is now gradually fading away.Not completely gone but bearable.I'm so glad and thankful that I have you that is virtually listening.I must have expressed myself well that in the end I feel a lot lighter.I read back of what was said,what was answered.How interesting to realised that so many of us hanging on this 'relationship' through imagination,assumptions and fantasy.That keeps us going.Same like how we carry on with our lives.We are living in anticipation of what is going to happen next.I have my own fantasy of my virtual mates.How and what.But meantime,I am just trying to be me without creating or presenting any fictitious type.I'm living up to what was intended of this blog.The therapeutic frame of mind.I personally need it.Along the way, I am very fortunate to have you sharing your thoughts with me.And for that, I can't thank you enough.

I can't help to feel that there's some birds and bees that subconsciously affected and therefore started to form a defence.Well, there's no need for that.In our lives,we are the only person we should convince and pleased.Not others.We made mistakes,we created issues,we developed complications and we have all the right in the world to do exactly what our heart desires.

I welcome all of you in my space.Personally, I am a very private and introvert person.It doesn't bother me if I don't know you.But I'm really glad I did.But I do apologise if you are easily offended or by any chance have your anxiety escalated inevitably.

What I do for a living is to support people living with their complications.I don't (god know how I want) judge.I don't analysed.But I observed.I observed carefully,sensitively,rationally and methodically in order to help me to help them.I try my very best to be as casual.I used to think that nobody can change because of genetic reasons.Well, the fact is we inherited subconsciously what we saw when we were a child.I used to excused my mood swings and temperament for genetics reasons.Yeah..yeah...I inherited this from this person...the truth is we copy.We copy from home the way to cope and the way to behave.Some people express their feelings through anger and emotion and being a child, we were taught by many method.Emotional and verbal expression,vision,sounds and feels.Nothing genetic apart from looks or anything hereditary.

My own experience of the therapeutic relationship underlies all that I have written, as well as continuing to enrich every aspect of my life.I have no expectation of you and I really and sincerely hope that you feel the same.Just be happy.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Gravely Depressed

Thanks to my retreat,I managed my shadowing duty quite well this morning. I choose to shadow rather than to treat as I just recovered from my own disturbance.It's such a short notice to turn into a new container,but given that I am salaried by a private sector who doesn't give a toss about 'emotional transition', tahan sajalah.

This is the same person that I'm watching tonight, as he expressed his suicidal thoughts in his session.Macamlah takde hari lain.

I was combing through the comments left by the thoughtful ones and that got me thinking...aloud.Their compliments...are very heartfelt.If only they knew what is inside, because I don't.

I'm doing all this...for a very selfish reasons.This is a career by choice.I'm not at all academically qualified.I paved my own way to learn to help, to care and to support.Everything is amalgamate.You can only be an assistance to the needy if you are needy yourself.

As a person, I passed 28 years without many words.I kept things, I'm too absorbed and selfish...or just very,very introverted. I missed many chances.I'm sure many of us are missing something in life that we can't quite figure out what it is and that is why some of us are still wandering...

Listening to this man, who just lost his wife from a very messy divorce (mind you, his Manic Depressive state doesn't help) His conscious life is so messed up that he is living and merely surviving on his fantasy life.His fantasy is his life support machine.And today, he want to turn it off.

I can't relate to him.I can't judge him or that will be too cruel.He is so emotionally fragile.The only way to cure him is to turn back time. The time where he still has everything...his sanity.

He kept saying that he changed for her.He wanted to make her happy.But he never told her.He fantasised what he wanted.He assumed that is what the wife wanted.

She only wanted his love and friendship.Like him,she has a dream too.Wanting to keep up with his fantasy,he becomes emotionally deranged.And suddenly, wife becomes enemy.This done in very little words between them.But they both know they love each other to bits.

They seperated.He goes on the mend and wife is trying to rebuild her confidence.They both went through the resuscitation process.By the time he realised what went wrong in their lives,his marriage forfeited.Wife is too brokenhearted to return.

The man conscience become very clear but it is now too late.Wife is not coming back.He apologised through and through but some people can't be bitten twice.

He is back to his usual self.He re create his fantasy...but this time his fantasy is meant to keep him going.Wife moved on.Divorced finalised and is now happily married.The man needs a closure from his only love.

He told us today that he is accepting his fate.He wants to stop fantasising.His wife is no longer in his mental picture.In fact, he has no one.

His despondency really breaks my heart.There's is so much love in him but it is just too late.Legally and morally, we have to keep him alive.

He only has god.And I hope god will help.We can only support.

If you can work out the reason behind the 'outspoken' me, you will learn that life is not easy.Doubly difficult if you're in the foreign land.You need to depend on yourself, with helps from friends.I do not want to live to regret, because in the past, I have had plenty of them.One can only understand the trouble if they had troubled themselves.

We have choice.Your choice is certainly wasn't mine to judge.Take care.

P/s Penat,Demam & Stress

Abuse Of Power

Penyalahgunaan kuasa semakin menjadi-jadi kat my office sekarang ni.Since last week.I think orang sekeliling I tahu, tapi buat tak tahu pasal they love me too much to shop me over to badan-badan berkuasa.However,penyalahguna kuasa itu, yakni diriku sendiri...tidak bermaksud untuk mengsalahguna or guna salah kuasa ittew.Everybody have to look after the number 1.And I am doing the same.I hope to recover from salahguna kuasa oleh orang lain towards me.Salahguna kuasa Chenta lah...Chenta itukan sakti.You have the power to turn the world upside down.I'm not the one with the power in my relationship (ye ker?) and I think, I was the one who is at the receiving end of salahguna kuasa Chenta Sakti.That will explain why I cry myself to sleep everynight.The idle moment between concsious and unconscious.This are the good time for something you rather not think about to come knocking your thick scalp.Nak halau tak boleh...you're too powerless during this intervals...between awake and asleep.So apa nak buat lagi...nangis ajelah..sampai tertidur.Nak comfort eating nanti jadi bosa geh kobau pulak...

I pernah jugak ada kuasa chenta ni, tapi tak lama...and that time,my penyalahgunaan kuasa is for my own emotional protection, bukan nak naya orang...tapi however you put it, you tetap menganiaya perasaan orang, intentional...unintentional..I think people who salahguna kuasa is so insecure about themselves and to make them feel better, they committed it.Me for gajah example.

Since last week,I pon salah guna kuasa kat office jugak.My staff team are so nice to me as I am so casual with them.My line of work, I can't afford to be bossy bastard.People feelings are too delicate to mess around with.But for sure I know,macam mana marah pun I dengan diorang, I takkan kena voodoo santau or dsbg...(dansebagainya) WE talk things through...I make my point, they make theirs...and I'll always win...(sebab I'm their boss....laa..bongkaknya)

My salahguna kuasa in the office is berchit-chat dgn my blogsphere mates...as much as I want to defend myself against that...well, I can always say that I am entitled to have a quiet therapeutic moment...human right ACT berapa-berapa...Maslow Hierrarchy...tapi the bottom line is,what I did was still 'mengular' sambil the working clock ticking and get paid.Hari-hari pulak tu...

I took a break from thinking hard yesterday and day before to cleanse my thought.Disgusting sexual thoughts transmitted to me via countertransferrence analysis.I hated it.I talk plenty to get rid of the remaining residue and last night,I had a long stress free bath...The disgusting things gone and I'm now bless with a cold.Babi...tapi, syukur kepada tuhan.Biar badan sakit...jangan kepala otak yang parah...

Salahgunakuasa at work yang kedua pulak is...pasal I dah catched a bad cold (I tell you, Lou smoking like a chimny doesn't help) adding with my weak lung (recovering asthma) I can't afford to have sleepless night hearing the noise of my batuk berdengkung-dengkung...so, I prescribed myself an antibiotic.Matilah kalau GP I tau.Tapi,no offence to my doctor, I seems to know what is best for me.Antibiotic work wonders.I need to recover quick.I have work to do and too busy to take sick leave.

I know we have antibiotic stored somewhere and as a authorised person to dispense the PRN (Prescribed When Necessary) I 'kebas' that antibiotic for myself.Berkuasa tak aku? I keep telling myself Antibiotic is not classified under PRN drugs...so,maybe tahap salahguna kuasa is 50% out of 100.

This morning I sit in a shadowing session with a very gravely depressed guy.His wife left him.He accepted the fate of his marriage breakdowns but he can't cope with guilt.And that is killing him.

In that 40 minutes session,I thought of our Noel.I can sense a guilt.I'm not sure this is true but if it is,I want him to know that guilt is something that can't wash.You have got to find a way to deal and work with it.To keep you sane.

My thoughts are with you and I bet, so is our friends.We care.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Jiwa Kacau...Lagi

Tuan Tuan & Puan Puan yang dihormati,
Saya akan menghilangkan diri untuk seketika.Saya amat memerlukan break selepas sessi counselling saya dengan PPKK (Pakcik Perogol Kanak-Kanak)

Fikiran saya amat terganggu.Saya terasa hendak pitam dan paling menyayat hati,saya terbayang-bayang sepotong lemang dan sangat-sangat mengidamkan lemang.

Saya tidak patut berasa begini.In fact, saya tidak pernah rasa terganggu begini rupa.Dan untuk menyelamatkan fikiran saya,saya mesti berhenti berfikir untuk sehari dua.

One of the reason why this feeling occurred is because I could not understand the anxieties that had been in fact voiced throughout the session.An assumption on my part of what I considered to be the best way of coping with the sin was another factor.The failure to connect PPKK's fears resulted in my defence breaking down. PPKK's case underlines the dangers of my complacency and how this can foster a false sense of engagement.A premature ending is almost inevitable if PPKK's are left with feeling that their most basic concerns/issues are not being addressed.

Sepanjang ketiadaan saya,sila doakan kesejahteraan fikiran saya.Saya mesti hadir ke majlis perkahwinan kawan baik saya dan saya samasekali tidak mahu 'mood' teruk saya akan merosakkan majlis itu.


Jiwa Kacau

The World Is Not My Oyster

Frank methodology for kekacauan jiwa is 'separuh gila'.Well, must admit, every one of us have a moment of manic.WE too have our disabilities.But it is vague and undiagnosed.Childhood is a very important moment in our life because it help to carve the way you are today.

I remember the joy in my childhood vaguely.It took me a while to come to term with it and to forgive whoever.Parents are trying their best to be perfect and perfections can sometimes become toxin in your mind.Because along the way you are going to dislike yourself for wanting to be perfect.Why? Because it is difficult.

We are lucky that we express our need very well, which ever way that suit.WE fragmented our feelings very well, well enough to know how to ask for help.

However much help you get,still nothing would be perfectly suit in.The help will get you through the unwanted emotion,but hardly satisfy your need.In the end, however much you ask/need help, you can never feel perfectly better.

The omnipotence in this equation (who is always, you) will always win.But not necessarily in a good way.

And that is why we have our manic moment.It is created by the obligation of our troubled soul to become perfect.

In the end, we can't, can't we ?

Monday, November 06, 2006

After 7

Where To Go?

Troubled soul.Who is? Myself lah.I was baby sitting the whole night on Saturday.Sunday pulak kena attend birthday party and today,not a even a second to spare to 'mengular-ular' diri kat office.Teramat lah sibuknya.Mind you, I do not hold a 'usual' job.My job depends on the wind blows and sometimes, the moon.Too much psychoanalysing since last Thursday.Manalah jiwa tak kacau Izuan oiii...

The big bang fireworks everywhere celebrating the crucification of Guy Fox didn't help at all.People seems to think the bang only affecting animal.It does the same to human.Especially yang tengah berjiwa kacau macam aku ni.I heard a conversation between 2 builders today, complaining that the fireworks noises is somehow 'disturbed' their bedroom affairs.Ada jugak jantan-jantan yang sensitive yang masih wujud dimuka bumi ni.

Secretary garang is away in Nottingham Forest until Friday that left me the chance to melaram with her Mini.Sedap wo...

I would like to thank you that is ever so concern about me.Frankly, I am in pieces.You remember that feeling where you don't know whether you're going or coming? That feeling is as similar as what I'm feeling now.It gets hard enough to make you feel like switching off for good.I am wearing this protective shield at work where what you feel inside have to separate from what you look outside.But this gear will wear out by bedtime where I will just cry and cry myself to sleep and wake up very,very puzzled.

I'm just doing what 'After 7' advised me to.You know that song 'Til You Do Me Right'?
But I know me better than anyone.There is still a bit in me that is so soft like 'isi ketam'.

I wish to explore the subject of insecurity further.And I'll tell you more about my findings when I found one.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Civillised Questions & Bloody Fool Answer

It is very difficult to think about nice things when you're extremely depressed.Shrinks don't operates at anti social hours and although there's a on call psychiatrist,they would rather pump your rectum with antidepressants than talk your shit through with you.Why? They have plenty shit stuck in their own rectum. Remember,one sign of stress is constipation.

I used to think that medications is a factor that can drive the mad, maddest.Well,after a long haul soul-searching, drugs only contributes 25%,15% genetic,10% organic and the remaining 50% self-inflict.

Silliness is first step to self-destruction.Some silly moment is unevitable.That's okay since it is least expected like becoming pelupa.There is a silliness that is created with intention to annoy others or even yourself.Less careful, this man made silliness can cause fatalities.Who knows what will be the end of human anger.The popular example of things that shows how silly people can be is when a frank question is replied with a silly answer.

Contoh-contoh soalan,jawapan bangang and cara mudah untuk mengelak permusuhan adalah seperti berikut :-

Q- Kau dah makan?
A- Apa? Kau ingat kau sorang je yang lapar? Aku bukannya tukang masak, tahu tak?

Analysis - Wouldn't it be easy if the question (that is clearly honest and plain) were answered with a simple YES/NO.

Q- Eh, Raya hari Isnin ke Selasa?
A- Oiii..bukannya aku yang tengok anak bulan..bukannya aku yang menyimpan mohor besar Raja-Raja tu....

Analysis - If you are emotionally decent,you would have opt for...I'm not so sure or simply, tak tau lah...let's check.

To those who asked the questions, with that kind of answer, you will be psychicly demotivated,sometimes become consciously angry and retaliates, especially when you're somaticly distress.The anger will stay in you at least for 48 hours until it subsides.But the memory will stay.Bad for mental health.

To those who gave that silly answer, you are the culprit.What were the motives anyway? You're now responsible for few counts of offences.You made the questionner psychicly depressed with your answer.You also triggered your own 'disturbance' by answering in a sarcastic manner.Remember, there's always a reasons for everything...if you're sarcastic, there's a sarcasm in you that haven't rest or bla..bla..and finally, the verbal or even the facial response from the questionner will create/transfer emotional trauma to you.Concsious & Unconscious Transferrence.Also, bad for mental health.

So,people.We should stop driving each other crazy.Let's starts now.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Di Dalam Emosi Ini

For almost 3 years now that I have been managing this secure unit.This secure unit, in my own lexicon, includes many people who dealt with beautiful living things.Sometimes, I love working here.It is spiritual,aesthetic,physical and even sexual - since a number of people in the unit found nothing quite so erotic as the sight of someone's first name scribbled crudely across the dirty window.

My life changed radically with a new found protege.I spoke about my 'changes' in my weekly therapy.How things changed all of a sudden.I become emotionally involved in people lives,by choice and remunerated monthly for analysing their thoughts.Produced reports.Discussed their cognitive ability endlessly.

I was involved in a another life discussion again, yesterday.Something that, after a while I hated doing the most.I presented what I myself called humanoid cruelty.I am writing an eyewitnessed judgement of the living dead.Very cruel.After yesterday, I named this beautiful thing a living dead.Simply because they are as good as dead.Useless but still breathing.Lifeless with a life that torment the living.

I was heavily critisised for allowing the emancipation of lifeless life mental slavery.My defence was shattered.The expectation was sky high.Lifeless life was expected to change into buoyant living soul overnight.

Lifeless life become a pure evil among the high expectators.And there I was, wished that 20 years ago,the parents never have had allowed their rotten foetus to live to see today.

The flight back to London seems longer than usual.Instead of heading home, I turned up at Frankie's door step.There's a certain difficulties in life that you can only find comfort in your spouse. They understand better.

I was right.Frankie always understands me but sudden comfort can't ignore the long standing complication.In the height of fury,I ended my partnership yesterday.After allowing some space for thinking,my practical mind announced that this ship can't sail any further than I want it to be.I love this ship, so much that it really hurts to see it drifting apart.We love each other impossibly and hurt each other desperately.

I blame me.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

What Keeps Me Going Every Morning

Hola all, have to be in Edinburgh tomorrow between 10am to 8pm. Hopefully kerja cepat siap and boleh kembali kepangkuan lemang-lemangku yang gagah perkasa.

Terimalah Jay Kay's Space Cowboy Remix & one ragga tune from I Wayne (yang sungguh kurang ajar tapi rhythm best gila), yang selama ini menjadi lagu motivasi bangun tidur I.See you soon.

Can You Beat Me?

Hah...baru you all tahu betapa 'hardcore' I minat kat Sheila Majid? Honestly, I know-it-all.I ada album dia yang orang takde.Thanks to my inside contact, not to mentioned berapa ribu juta pitih ku yang dah hanyut dek kerna nak memiliki barang-barang ittew.

I first 'know' Sheila..metaphorically speaking when I was 12. I saw her in TV singing 'Pengemis Muda' acting in a awesome video clip.About some beggar who wander about Sheila's house,leaving her huge crayon written notes in that 'kad manila'.

Nak beli cassette? With pocket money only 50cent a day, I'm torn between Sheila & Roti Kelapa.I saved 10cent a day, only to finish by weekend buying icecream in the 'mangkuk' with wooden sudu.I was so poor I can't even afford the pasar malam cetak rompak copy.Nak meminta pada ayahnda, ayahnda garang.But I remember Ayahnda beli record besar-besar Seripah Hani tu.He also bought us 'Boney M'.I think, Ayahnda will only buy things that he wanted to buy.No request accepted.

So,what I did was...tunggu dia main kat radio aje.Dengar sekali, salin lyric dua baris...dengar sepuluh kali, hafal satu lagu.I keep telling myself, one fine day...bila I dah jadi lawyer and dapat gaji makan tak habis,jangan kata cassette Sheila, kepala keretapi pon akan ku beli.Tapi,setolah berhompeh puleh,I tak jugak jadi lawyer and can never afford kepala keretapi.

After a year, in form 1,I eventually managed to listen to the whole album, thanks to my classmate yang ada cassette Dimensi Baru ittew.With her permission, I copied the whole album and I officialy owned a self record-little pirate-made Sheila Majid Dimensi Baru.And in a week, I can sing everything.Everything..from Datanglah Kedalam Mimpiku to Gerimis Semalam.

Then came 'Emosi'. I was in form 2 with a bit of money.It took me only a month to buy the cassette that worth $7.95 and within 3 days, I can sing every single thing in that album including the backup vocal 'Kau Didalam..Didalam..Emosi Ini'.

Ayahnda tetap mencurigai dimana I dapat duit beli that cassette.I told him that I saved my duit belanja.Dia punya marah I pakai duit belanja beli cassette.Tapi, dalam kereta my father lagi banyak cassette.From Seripah Hani,Ramlah Ram and that Indonesian singer yang nyanyi lagu..Jangankan Gunung Fujiyama, Puncak Himalaya Ku Ikut Kamuuuuu...siapa tu hah? See, my father...I beli cassette tak boleh.Dia tu.But, nak argue tak boleh..that is his money.And I keep on wishing..hei..bilalah aku nak dapat gaji makan tak habis ni.

Form 4, Keluarlah...WARNA!!!! Habis lagi duit ku $11.95 tapi kerna Sheila...harus ku rampok kedai cassette ittew.Sheila was so beautiful inthat album with rambut lepas and pakai baju kaler-kaler.Kerakusan ku...(Oh ya, lupa pulak.Not only that I dah mampu beli cassette tanpa menabung macam nak mampos, I can also afford walkman) okay..berbalik kepada kerakusan ku...memainkan cassette ittew,I had to buy it twice, because the first one dah putus.I recognised every inch of beat in it that I can tell which was the original 'Gemilang'.Hah! The original gemilang..ada louder 'synthesizer' and the sequences produced, takde.Even in CD version.

I happened to go to same school as her 'anak buah'.This girl tak satu class pon dengan I tapi the moment keluar khabar taufan yang dia anak buah Sheila Majid,I sanggup masuk persatuan sama dengan dia.Nak kenal lah ni.And from her,I dapat songlap gambar Sheila Majid kawin dengan beruang..Kau Ado?

Form 5, Keluarlah LAGENDA, the brown coloured CD (dah kaya sikit masa ni)...

In between, they produced,Sheila in Concert, Ikhlas, Bunyi Gitar,Timeless (with new versin of Gemilang,Selamanya & Mazlan Hamzah's Aku Cinta Padu MU) and Sheila 'Japan Market Intended' Album. Do I own them? You bet.

NCUK - Keluarlah RATU...Honestly, it took me a while to understand 'Ratu' because it is so different from the previous.After 4 years later I understand why it was produced that way...it is just like wine...the longer you 'peruk' the better it taste.And so is 'Ratu'.

Sheila parted way with beruang.Much awaited.Beruang called her names, itu ini, still refuse to let her go but in the same breath, called her sundal.Apa lah...

I was already back home during the pergaduhan sensasi.One of my friend buat chambering kat satu lawyer firm that happen to represent Sheila.I was begging her to let me attend the proceedings.I did.Setelah berjanji dengan my friend untuk behave macam manusia.I hated Beruang.How on earth Sheila lasted that long with motormouth like him,salute!!!

I upgraded my cassette selection to CD's.And for the last 6 years, I keep on buying the Compilation.God knows how much money that lebur dek Sheila.From concerts,showcase to CD's.My ex used to be a Features Editor FHM Malaysia and aku pujuk dia bawak I sekali ikut interview Sheila, but tak jadi because Sheila demam.I even go and see Sheila in London.Travelling from where I was before to London cost almost £40 and I'm merely surviving on scholarship.I remember that I dressed to kill nak gi tengok concert tu.Siap pakai boot panjang yang kick-dog-dog-die ittew.I sang all the song.Orang London masa tu tatau her new song and I nyanyi cam nak rak.

Sheila took a different turn in her life and marry my ex (yelah...) Acis.I'm so happy for them.And I, took a different route and drifting away from the familar habit.

I am so proud that I now...dah dapat gaji..still makan tak cukup, experienced all this Sheila-Manic-Moment.

Sheila patut bagi I hadiah.I don't know if after Ratu, Sheila got more CD produced.But the one that I recently heard from Bella's is so nice.And masa I balik that day, I terdengar lagu 'Cinta Jangan Kau Pergi' and 'Setia Bersama' with KRU. Habis ku download lagu tu dalam MP3.

So,what can I call me? Selective-Borderline-Psychotic-Disorder?

Tapi kesimpolannya...minat-minat camtu ajelah.Takdelah sampai tidur tak lena mandi tak basah kind of thing.Or nangis-nangis pengsan macam pompuan-pompuan kat concert Michael Jackson tu.Tapi, habis banyaklah duit.