Thursday, November 23, 2006
Ochestrating Life Based On Fantasy...Is It Worth It?
Thank you all for your kind words.I am still in a prickly condition with my partner.Neither of us can hold a civil conversation at the moment.Too upset and angry.I am so glad that my GP signed me off for 2 weeks and that means I will not have to be bombarded with cracky head problems until next Monday.
I'm doing all I can to stay calm.I have friends that listened.At least they know what I'm going through and keeping unnecessary things out of my way.I want to comfort eat but my Tuna Chilli Green Can has yet to arrive.Waiting in vain giving me nightmare.Manokah ekau...asam-asam ku yang sexy?
When I was at my early twenties,my counsins that in the similar age group were racing themselves to get hitched.Everyone was talking boyfriend non-stop.Inviting them for raya for general exhibition for ours and the neighbours benefits.How imbecile.
By the time I graduated and returned home,the pressure mounted.By this time my exhibitionist cousins were already married.One in particular (just because she is geographically close) keep saying about the joy of early parenthood.How I will miss out.Well,god is great.She only conceived her one and only baby 3 years ago after 7 years of trying...mengata aku sangat.Forever I have opted for an easy respond to that.I smile and smile.People will corner me at my late brother tahlil to ask 'bilo kau ni nak kahwin'...and I still smile.Couple of years ago, I thought putting words in my smile will help me further.Everytime they asked, I replied 'Em..takde orang nak'.Thought they will stop,but they didn't.They form their own 'agency perkahwinan' for me as if I was so desperate.Honestly,none of this people are my parents or siblings.Just the unwanted branch of the family.
Things they don't know and I don't tell is that I have my own description and specification of life partner.I grew up in a happy household and maybe unhappy marriage.I'm not in a position to critisised my parents union as they both did a good job raising all of us.Of course I have seen and heard some nasty thing.I sometimes questioned my mother's inner strength.With a husband like that.
You heard abour my meeting with a perfect man that eventually dumped me for someone else.Well,wrapped.As I grow into maturity of thinking and living in a less pressurised atmosphere,I begin to create my own fantasy of a life partner.I want someone that I am comfortable with.Someone that I can talk to about anything however sensitive and will not offend each other.Someone intelligent.I'm not looking to building empire together, like buying house and all that.Everything here is equals.I earned my way and you earned yours.And we share.
My current partner is the product of my fantasy.We spent months of talking intelligently.Making sense of world politics.We played computer games and discussing books.I never had this activities in my relationship before.That man was busy worrying about if Man U will make it to top 3 Premiership.
I was so happy.This relationship can go further.We fought like cat and dogs but fighting and arguing strengthen your communications together.This is the partner and life I want.I created this.All according to my plan.Of course, along the way we did plenty of psychoanalysing and we seen through each other.In future there will be no battle of weaknesses.This is so not my parents marriage.
We talked briefly yesterday.After many,many days of vengeance silence.But I can feel that it is now very dificult to mend.Sarcasm didn't help.Our long duration of separation has created a bad fantasy about each other.
As I said,things are not that easy.We still have strings that tie us together.Until we sit and talked,I can't say anything more than 'it is so difficult'.
To all, thanks for your thoughts.