About Me

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Ochestrating Life Based On Fantasy...Is It Worth It?


Thank you all for your kind words.I am still in a prickly condition with my partner.Neither of us can hold a civil conversation at the moment.Too upset and angry.I am so glad that my GP signed me off for 2 weeks and that means I will not have to be bombarded with cracky head problems until next Monday.

I'm doing all I can to stay calm.I have friends that listened.At least they know what I'm going through and keeping unnecessary things out of my way.I want to comfort eat but my Tuna Chilli Green Can has yet to arrive.Waiting in vain giving me nightmare.Manokah ekau...asam-asam ku yang sexy?

When I was at my early twenties,my counsins that in the similar age group were racing themselves to get hitched.Everyone was talking boyfriend non-stop.Inviting them for raya for general exhibition for ours and the neighbours benefits.How imbecile.

By the time I graduated and returned home,the pressure mounted.By this time my exhibitionist cousins were already married.One in particular (just because she is geographically close) keep saying about the joy of early parenthood.How I will miss out.Well,god is great.She only conceived her one and only baby 3 years ago after 7 years of trying...mengata aku sangat.Forever I have opted for an easy respond to that.I smile and smile.People will corner me at my late brother tahlil to ask 'bilo kau ni nak kahwin'...and I still smile.Couple of years ago, I thought putting words in my smile will help me further.Everytime they asked, I replied 'Em..takde orang nak'.Thought they will stop,but they didn't.They form their own 'agency perkahwinan' for me as if I was so desperate.Honestly,none of this people are my parents or siblings.Just the unwanted branch of the family.

Things they don't know and I don't tell is that I have my own description and specification of life partner.I grew up in a happy household and maybe unhappy marriage.I'm not in a position to critisised my parents union as they both did a good job raising all of us.Of course I have seen and heard some nasty thing.I sometimes questioned my mother's inner strength.With a husband like that.

You heard abour my meeting with a perfect man that eventually dumped me for someone else.Well,wrapped.As I grow into maturity of thinking and living in a less pressurised atmosphere,I begin to create my own fantasy of a life partner.I want someone that I am comfortable with.Someone that I can talk to about anything however sensitive and will not offend each other.Someone intelligent.I'm not looking to building empire together, like buying house and all that.Everything here is equals.I earned my way and you earned yours.And we share.

My current partner is the product of my fantasy.We spent months of talking intelligently.Making sense of world politics.We played computer games and discussing books.I never had this activities in my relationship before.That man was busy worrying about if Man U will make it to top 3 Premiership.

I was so happy.This relationship can go further.We fought like cat and dogs but fighting and arguing strengthen your communications together.This is the partner and life I want.I created this.All according to my plan.Of course, along the way we did plenty of psychoanalysing and we seen through each other.In future there will be no battle of weaknesses.This is so not my parents marriage.

We talked briefly yesterday.After many,many days of vengeance silence.But I can feel that it is now very dificult to mend.Sarcasm didn't help.Our long duration of separation has created a bad fantasy about each other.

As I said,things are not that easy.We still have strings that tie us together.Until we sit and talked,I can't say anything more than 'it is so difficult'.

To all, thanks for your thoughts.

9 comments:

lekiu said...

I am new in a committed relationship.But one thing I do know is that the most important, the most fundamental and basic thing that you both must share is love for one another.

If you both love each other, then the next thing is to work out differences, learn to tolerate, learn to appreciate and learn to forgive.

I know, easier said than done. We are all learning to handle relationships. We all have our own demons, our own obstacles.

It's a learning process that never ends.

The other thing I learn is that it is ok to find a partner who is opposite of what you are. I mean, trying to find someone who is a carbon copy of one self is a little bit strange kan. Enjoy the differences. It gives you fresh new perspective.

Tapi kalau dia sokong Chelski or Man You tu dan bersorak belagak plak depan kita Gunners ni melampau lah plak kan ... kalau dia cam tu suruh dia tidur kat sofa jer Han !!

Anonymous said...

Entahlah diorang ni..ingat kawin kawintuh senang macam nak pakai baju ker??? nak nak yg jantan..abislaa kena bayar dowry bagai..dahlah mahal nak mampos plak tuh!

Satu lagi like us aid, yg bisingnya bukan keluarga terdekat..tu semua yg bising tu yang suka menyibuk dan jaga tepi kain orang dan cuba jadik matchmaker... macam kesial! Tu la pasal mak la ni malas bebenor dah nak balik umah sedara mara tuh..soklan cepumas musti ada!

About Frankie tuh, well what can I say... u r right, sarcasm (esp. British sracasm) does not help. Sometiems Avang can be very sarcastic and that hurts a lot but since dah lama bebenor ngan dia, benda tu just masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan je lah.

This is what you need: a nice holiday or a long weekend away in a nice warm place with your friends... bergembira bagai.. at least when u get home, you'll be ready to face more of the challenges ahead (tapi jgn sampai ada post holiday blues udahler..makin murung jadiknya eheheh).

Good luck u ols...

p/s u ols kirim asam kah??? mak pun nak gaklah...asam ni yg asam salut gula tu kah?? mak sker!

Belladonna said...

Honestly, aku inda tau bah macam mana aku mau tulung but I am here for you.

Aku rasa its worth to ochestrate ur life based on fantasy, bak kata orang 'belum cuba belum tau'. At least you made an effort to realise it. Kalau jadi conformist boring jugak.

I hope things would be okay.. Sabar yang oii, barangan mu ittew akan di post next monday Insyallah kerana lakiku teramat bz minggu ini dengan kerja-kerja membajak sawah. Susah nak interframe dia kat bendang nun..

Sincerely,
Kawanmu yang 'pelidut' (slow/lembap)

bicaraskrip said...

han,

xtually aku x baca pon agi posting ko yg sgt pnjaaaaaaaaaaaaanggg itew! saja nk say 'hi'... hiiiii!

>> suk-lusa aku baca again! voley???

Danie Simpleton said...

You know whats even sadder?

When you cant be nor have that someone who is so freaking perfect in your eyes. Knowing well that both of you love each other so much it hurts. Thinking that, maybe, probably and possibly, you guys will be together.

Urgh, I hate that feeling sometimes.

Sometimes, we find jodoh not now, but later.

God is fair, and whatever happens, it always does for the best. Have good faith in God.

:: samasam :: said...

kakak ku dalam dilema perkahwinan ke? huuuhuuu.. takpe uols, slow2 pikir tanya pendapat org sana sini, ikut kata hati ... solat istikharah kalau berpeluang... then u'll get the answer insyaallah rite, luv u honey .. mwah mwah =)

Anonymous said...

ai tak tau nak komen aper..sebab situasi ai pun lebih kurang sama.

"why do we hurt the most, the ones we love the most?" <----- satu persoalaan yang tak dapat ai nak jawab sampai sekarang ni..

hope everything will be ok :)

bicaraskrip said...

dear Han,

ok ok aku dh baca postingmu yg panjaaaang itew & this is my 'sekupang' pov:

fyi, aku stat becinta-bagai dgn awek since form-3 (87) dgn classmate aku sampai lepas spm, sampai masuk uni & dia masok uni lain (89).. then, 1 day masa final yr (95/96) aku 'terjatoh cinta' versi-2 verangan dgn sorang junior sexy yg aku sndiri Xtao knapa dia gilerkn aku? secara ganasnya aku telah 'membreakkan' relationku dgn awek yg 1st itew dgn alasan 'kita X sehaluan'!!! (marahhh if ajai-nurul dengar nih!) sedangkn aku yg 'cureng'!.. maka Tohan itu maha kaya lagi adil & saksama.. krn setiap perdajalanku dibalas cash bila aku dikuciwakn dgn kabar angin bhwa awek-jr itew jugek 'cureng' pdku!... ambikkkk kao! pdnlah muka kan!.. maka sblm aku 'dimalukn' oleh rakan&taulan, maka aku dgn secepat kilat 'mereject' & 'mendump'kn awek-jr ku itew dgn prasaan sedih (krn malu) & kesal (krn makan ati nk cari awek cun cam dia itew in future susah siol!)..ok boring erk 1st' & 2nd love aku? (if wife aku terbaca nih sure dia pon akan 'muntah' prasa strawberi nih!)

so, bila graduate jer aku kejarkn karier dulu.. maklomlah aku sorang jer yg masok u 7 keja steady yg kononnya diharapkn utk membantu ibubapaku di kg itew.. alhamdulillah, aku dpt keja yg kiraoke-karaokelah sampai ari nih masih keja yg sama. masa tu aku X pikir dh psl kawin-mawin coz aku maleh nk peninkn kpla hotak aku yg semakin botak itew. kumpul & abiskn gaji lagi besh! sehinggalah 1 ari (98/99) aku termenonton pelem 'my girl' yg repeat kat astro, aku terpikir plak what if 1 day aku mati - ada ker yg akan rindukn bila aku dah Xde?..

ref 'my girl'>> http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102492/

then, aku cal suma ex-kosmet uni just tnya kabar? dh kawin ke blom? ank dh brapa? etc.. fyi, wife aku was 1 of my kosmet/kolejmet selama 6 thn (90-96).. masa kt uni aku dgn dia mcm kwn2 'bangang' bertepok-tampar tanpa sebarang niat atau perasaan coz we-all soo rapat just as kwn2 ajer.. jgn lupa coz masa tuh aku 'ada' awek yg jauh (1st) & later awek-sexy (2nd) itew.. dipendekkan citer, Tohan itu maha bijaksana & pemurah, takdir, qada' & qadarNya kita Xtao langsung!.. 2001: aku kawin dgn wife ku itew atas dasar 'aku suka engko'.. 'engko suka aku'.. just that!.. (kisah cinta 99-2001 kami itew dipendekkan krn akan memakan space Han yg byk).. kkdg kami Xtao camner nk jwb pd ank2 kami if 1 ari nnti bila depa dh beso2, depa tanya: "mana pic mama&papa masa kat uni dulu?".. yaa adoo?..

kesimpulan yg dpr aku simpulkn di sini ialah.. kdg2 kita Xtao & Xsangka langsong Tohan dh 'aturkn' jodoh kita w/pon mcm aku+wife selama 6 thn tu Xpenah becinta pon!!! ENAM TAHUN tu beb!!! (90-96)

montymelly said...

Saja nak menyibuk sama..
Actually, society tak pernah nak puas hati esp. among your relatives.
I got married at 30, after i've done my masters etc. duk kat UK 12 tahun and all..pas tuh org dok match make kan.

masa tak kahwin this is what one aunty said ,"ko tu asyik belajar je, tak yah la kawin, kesian laki ko nanti.'

Bila dah kawin ' bila nak bertiga...tak yah la kut..asyik kat hospital je kerjanya..'

Bila dah dapat anak (lepas 4 years kawin) 'haa...tunggu punya tunggu sekali keluar dapat beso ni!'

Basically, there will always be suara2 sumbang. Now my kid is only 7 months old..soon, people will start be asking kindergarten mana dia masuk, mana yang lebih canggih, pas tu UPSR dapat berapa, asrama mana, uni mana obersea ke, dah menantu ke..

GODDDDD! it's neverending! So suffice it to say, pedulikan apa org nak kata..