Friday, November 03, 2006
Di Dalam Emosi Ini
For almost 3 years now that I have been managing this secure unit.This secure unit, in my own lexicon, includes many people who dealt with beautiful living things.Sometimes, I love working here.It is spiritual,aesthetic,physical and even sexual - since a number of people in the unit found nothing quite so erotic as the sight of someone's first name scribbled crudely across the dirty window.
My life changed radically with a new found protege.I spoke about my 'changes' in my weekly therapy.How things changed all of a sudden.I become emotionally involved in people lives,by choice and remunerated monthly for analysing their thoughts.Produced reports.Discussed their cognitive ability endlessly.
I was involved in a another life discussion again, yesterday.Something that, after a while I hated doing the most.I presented what I myself called humanoid cruelty.I am writing an eyewitnessed judgement of the living dead.Very cruel.After yesterday, I named this beautiful thing a living dead.Simply because they are as good as dead.Useless but still breathing.Lifeless with a life that torment the living.
I was heavily critisised for allowing the emancipation of lifeless life mental slavery.My defence was shattered.The expectation was sky high.Lifeless life was expected to change into buoyant living soul overnight.
Lifeless life become a pure evil among the high expectators.And there I was, wished that 20 years ago,the parents never have had allowed their rotten foetus to live to see today.
The flight back to London seems longer than usual.Instead of heading home, I turned up at Frankie's door step.There's a certain difficulties in life that you can only find comfort in your spouse. They understand better.
I was right.Frankie always understands me but sudden comfort can't ignore the long standing complication.In the height of fury,I ended my partnership yesterday.After allowing some space for thinking,my practical mind announced that this ship can't sail any further than I want it to be.I love this ship, so much that it really hurts to see it drifting apart.We love each other impossibly and hurt each other desperately.
I blame me.