Penyalahgunaan kuasa semakin menjadi-jadi kat my office sekarang ni.Since last week.I think orang sekeliling I tahu, tapi buat tak tahu pasal they love me too much to shop me over to badan-badan berkuasa.However,penyalahguna kuasa itu, yakni diriku sendiri...tidak bermaksud untuk mengsalahguna or guna salah kuasa ittew.Everybody have to look after the number 1.And I am doing the same.I hope to recover from salahguna kuasa oleh orang lain towards me.Salahguna kuasa Chenta lah...Chenta itukan sakti.You have the power to turn the world upside down.I'm not the one with the power in my relationship (ye ker?) and I think, I was the one who is at the receiving end of salahguna kuasa Chenta Sakti.That will explain why I cry myself to sleep everynight.The idle moment between concsious and unconscious.This are the good time for something you rather not think about to come knocking your thick scalp.Nak halau tak boleh...you're too powerless during this intervals...between awake and asleep.So apa nak buat lagi...nangis ajelah..sampai tertidur.Nak comfort eating nanti jadi bosa geh kobau pulak...
I pernah jugak ada kuasa chenta ni, tapi tak lama...and that time,my penyalahgunaan kuasa is for my own emotional protection, bukan nak naya orang...tapi however you put it, you tetap menganiaya perasaan orang, intentional...unintentional..I think people who salahguna kuasa is so insecure about themselves and to make them feel better, they committed it.Me for gajah example.
Since last week,I pon salah guna kuasa kat office jugak.My staff team are so nice to me as I am so casual with them.My line of work, I can't afford to be bossy bastard.People feelings are too delicate to mess around with.But for sure I know,macam mana marah pun I dengan diorang, I takkan kena voodoo santau or dsbg...(dansebagainya) WE talk things through...I make my point, they make theirs...and I'll always win...(sebab I'm their boss....laa..bongkaknya)
My salahguna kuasa in the office is berchit-chat dgn my blogsphere mates...as much as I want to defend myself against that...well, I can always say that I am entitled to have a quiet therapeutic moment...human right ACT berapa-berapa...Maslow Hierrarchy...tapi the bottom line is,what I did was still 'mengular' sambil the working clock ticking and get paid.Hari-hari pulak tu...
I took a break from thinking hard yesterday and day before to cleanse my thought.Disgusting sexual thoughts transmitted to me via countertransferrence analysis.I hated it.I talk plenty to get rid of the remaining residue and last night,I had a long stress free bath...The disgusting things gone and I'm now bless with a cold.Babi...tapi, syukur kepada tuhan.Biar badan sakit...jangan kepala otak yang parah...
Salahgunakuasa at work yang kedua pulak is...pasal I dah catched a bad cold (I tell you, Lou smoking like a chimny doesn't help) adding with my weak lung (recovering asthma) I can't afford to have sleepless night hearing the noise of my batuk berdengkung-dengkung...so, I prescribed myself an antibiotic.Matilah kalau GP I tau.Tapi,no offence to my doctor, I seems to know what is best for me.Antibiotic work wonders.I need to recover quick.I have work to do and too busy to take sick leave.
I know we have antibiotic stored somewhere and as a authorised person to dispense the PRN (Prescribed When Necessary) I 'kebas' that antibiotic for myself.Berkuasa tak aku? I keep telling myself Antibiotic is not classified under PRN drugs...so,maybe tahap salahguna kuasa is 50% out of 100.
This morning I sit in a shadowing session with a very gravely depressed guy.His wife left him.He accepted the fate of his marriage breakdowns but he can't cope with guilt.And that is killing him.
In that 40 minutes session,I thought of our Noel.I can sense a guilt.I'm not sure this is true but if it is,I want him to know that guilt is something that can't wash.You have got to find a way to deal and work with it.To keep you sane.
My thoughts are with you and I bet, so is our friends.We care.