About Me

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Abuse Of Power

Penyalahgunaan kuasa semakin menjadi-jadi kat my office sekarang ni.Since last week.I think orang sekeliling I tahu, tapi buat tak tahu pasal they love me too much to shop me over to badan-badan berkuasa.However,penyalahguna kuasa itu, yakni diriku sendiri...tidak bermaksud untuk mengsalahguna or guna salah kuasa ittew.Everybody have to look after the number 1.And I am doing the same.I hope to recover from salahguna kuasa oleh orang lain towards me.Salahguna kuasa Chenta lah...Chenta itukan sakti.You have the power to turn the world upside down.I'm not the one with the power in my relationship (ye ker?) and I think, I was the one who is at the receiving end of salahguna kuasa Chenta Sakti.That will explain why I cry myself to sleep everynight.The idle moment between concsious and unconscious.This are the good time for something you rather not think about to come knocking your thick scalp.Nak halau tak boleh...you're too powerless during this intervals...between awake and asleep.So apa nak buat lagi...nangis ajelah..sampai tertidur.Nak comfort eating nanti jadi bosa geh kobau pulak...

I pernah jugak ada kuasa chenta ni, tapi tak lama...and that time,my penyalahgunaan kuasa is for my own emotional protection, bukan nak naya orang...tapi however you put it, you tetap menganiaya perasaan orang, intentional...unintentional..I think people who salahguna kuasa is so insecure about themselves and to make them feel better, they committed it.Me for gajah example.

Since last week,I pon salah guna kuasa kat office jugak.My staff team are so nice to me as I am so casual with them.My line of work, I can't afford to be bossy bastard.People feelings are too delicate to mess around with.But for sure I know,macam mana marah pun I dengan diorang, I takkan kena voodoo santau or dsbg...(dansebagainya) WE talk things through...I make my point, they make theirs...and I'll always win...(sebab I'm their boss....laa..bongkaknya)

My salahguna kuasa in the office is berchit-chat dgn my blogsphere mates...as much as I want to defend myself against that...well, I can always say that I am entitled to have a quiet therapeutic moment...human right ACT berapa-berapa...Maslow Hierrarchy...tapi the bottom line is,what I did was still 'mengular' sambil the working clock ticking and get paid.Hari-hari pulak tu...

I took a break from thinking hard yesterday and day before to cleanse my thought.Disgusting sexual thoughts transmitted to me via countertransferrence analysis.I hated it.I talk plenty to get rid of the remaining residue and last night,I had a long stress free bath...The disgusting things gone and I'm now bless with a cold.Babi...tapi, syukur kepada tuhan.Biar badan sakit...jangan kepala otak yang parah...

Salahgunakuasa at work yang kedua pulak is...pasal I dah catched a bad cold (I tell you, Lou smoking like a chimny doesn't help) adding with my weak lung (recovering asthma) I can't afford to have sleepless night hearing the noise of my batuk berdengkung-dengkung...so, I prescribed myself an antibiotic.Matilah kalau GP I tau.Tapi,no offence to my doctor, I seems to know what is best for me.Antibiotic work wonders.I need to recover quick.I have work to do and too busy to take sick leave.

I know we have antibiotic stored somewhere and as a authorised person to dispense the PRN (Prescribed When Necessary) I 'kebas' that antibiotic for myself.Berkuasa tak aku? I keep telling myself Antibiotic is not classified under PRN drugs...so,maybe tahap salahguna kuasa is 50% out of 100.

This morning I sit in a shadowing session with a very gravely depressed guy.His wife left him.He accepted the fate of his marriage breakdowns but he can't cope with guilt.And that is killing him.

In that 40 minutes session,I thought of our Noel.I can sense a guilt.I'm not sure this is true but if it is,I want him to know that guilt is something that can't wash.You have got to find a way to deal and work with it.To keep you sane.

My thoughts are with you and I bet, so is our friends.We care.



Anonymous said...

Yess..looks like there's no equality at all in the chenta relationship ittew... mmg elok pun u ols take care of no.1 i.e yourself (kan?) and get out of that relationship for the sake of your sanity.

Mak pun skang gementar jugak dgn email from employer regarding the company's policy on internet and e-mail usage. Antaranya dinch boleh update personal homepages (aiyyoo matilaaa mak!), chatting chatting pun dinch boleh..sbb mengganggu produktiviti katanya..tapi kalau boleh multitasking, tak boleh ker??? kan???

I hope you can get a speedy recovery from that cold and cough.. it must be horrible...I used to have chest infection like once a year for the last two years but thank God this year I haven't had even one..fingers cross.touch wood they say!! :)

Hope to see you very cheerful and happy this weekend...

p/s lets meramas ramas mark when he's in London nanti hiks.... mrasa!

M. Madeleine said...

About 3 years ago, my dad passed away. We didn't speak to each other for about 6 years preceding his death. He had a heart attack and passed away. My first sight of him after all those silent years was after the autopsy. My late father's wife insisted on autopsy, without which, insurance would not be claimable. Imagine my horror, imagine my frustration that the first sight of my father was after being cut open and stitched close.

Further back in time, I was brought up by my maternal grandma from the 3rd day I was born until 21. She passed away due to brain haemhorrage. The two of us cared for her invalid mother, my great grandmother. We took pains, bathing her, feeding her, tried to have decent conversation, which she replied with either a pleasant chat or curses (depending on the effect of valium). My grandmother suffered so much pain emotionally that she passed away. Her mother survived her. I had to find my parents. The most painful and th longest walk ever as I had to get to a public phone to call my father to help me financially and be responsible for me for once. Magnanimously he agreed.

Both incidents shaped my life. My grandmother's death caused me to ask a lot of troubling questions about mortality, about theodicy and lots of other niggling stuff.

My father's death is another painful chapter. I have no one to blame except myself. But I wanted answers about why I was left behind. I wanted answers as to why there were hardly any calls, any visits. Till the end, none of my questions were answered.

I am now at the point where I am causing trouble again. I have stopped talking to my mother. The time when I didnt speak to my father, I stonewalled my mom as well.Then after his death, I tried to mend ties. But not before long, it turned sour for a variety of reasons.

For most of my adult life, I felt like a man thrown off a ship into raging ocean waves. Sometimes I felt like a lighthouse in the middle of the merciless ocean, cold ocean waters and violent waves. I was (am ?) between the bottomless depth of the ocean and the limitless stretch of the heavens.

I identify so much the pain of Prophet Job. Although unlike him I know I am not righteous.

I feel the pain of impermanence suffered by Jeal Valjean. You try to run as fast as possible, but somehow it catches up on you. I grew up with two best friends named, misery and hunger.

Where am i heading with this ? I don't know. I just wanted you to know that you are doing a wonderful job listening to the pain of others. Sometimes it may be a thankless job, but whatever left of belief in the Almighty I have, you will one day receive your just rewards.

Stay strong woman. I hate to say this, but the day will come when the clouds will open up, the sun will shine brightly and all is well... well, almost. The calm before the next storm..

Anonymous said...

thanks han for the advise...luckily we have faith that bind us towards difficult times...hope u recover soon...thanks again for the thought...i'm ok as long as i know there are people concern bout me...my problem seems to be tiny compared to yours...u r one tough gurl u know.


:: samasam :: said...

am i missing anything? =?

Han said...

siapakah madeleine ittew? Saudara kembar LeQ ke?

Thank you.Each of us, we talk,we solve problems, we listen, we sex up, we work, we care...is base on our own pace.We tread on different soil everyday...lucky enough not carry the sticky mud around.But in the end, we are so thankful that we are still here, treading on today's soil.

Mekaseyyyy kawan-kawan ku

Belladonna said...

Macam ku kenal aja m.madleine itew, bukan ko ke yang main meka-mekap ngan aku? Hahahah. Han, I'm glad that you're back to ur oldself :) Kalau senang, marilah membutot lagik *wicked grin*