About Me

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Thoughts....and talk.

With the bulan puasa and all, my motivation to hapdate ini blog adalah macam my bowel movement gak...well, tak nak menambah dosa kering-basah pun ada juga. Ye laa..hapdate blog kang nak cakap pasal orang...dalam cakap pasal hal sendiri pun ada gak termasuk cerita orang..and cakap pasal orang kang, kalau tak betul, berdosa pulak dengan orang tu kann?

Speaking of menambah dosa...I am so conscious yang dah ada ni pun tak berkurang-kurang...and the scale is still moving.So dok lah diam-diam kannn...dah le puasa 17 jam melemahkan segala organ badan. Iskk...

I had a chat with my friend today...quite interesting one. We were talking about ourselves. Dia cakap pasal dia...and I bagi opinion sikit and I cakap pasal I, dia pulak bagi opinion.

My fren ni I rasa a long standing series of ketakpuasan hati dgn life partner nya. Sometimes bila banyak sangat ketakpuasan hati, it is hard to be very specific dengan apa yang menjadi punca masalah 'tak puas hati' tu. I have always suspect yang she is not being very direct with him...possibly expecting that he knows what needed and wanted in a relationship.I also suspect that by the time she did talk..or blow her lid more like...what actually did came out is something so irrational even she herself can't comprehend and even wonder after that, apsal laa aku buat benda terencat akal gituh.

Well, ni lah masalahnya bila tak bercakap ye?

I have learned so much from my time with F..ohh yes, that so wishful thinking F..that two people need to talk to know what's the problem is.

We always fell into the habit of thinking that talk less is better. In some situation yes..especially bila kita dengan orang gila. Cakap banyak karang menyakitkan hati..because orang gila can never change, so why bother? To sustain a (work) relationship, we best keeping quiet and talk less. Bila dia tanya opinion, kita kasi. Kalau dia diam tu..maknanya dia okay...so kita pun berdoa lah dia akan okay sehingga bulan penuh balik.

With the husband...men are known to like to talk less because it saves them from lot's of bother. They can be selective bila dia nak cakap banyak...and they will talk more if the subject is about how to make him feel good or how to make life easier for him. But try drawing him to issue yang ada kena mengena dengan kebahagiaan bersama...when all that is lacking is pointing to him, dia akan membuat diam dan hidup dalam gua pala hotak nya.

MC doesn't talk (much) kalau dia bercakap pun..kalau hal yang dia suka..maka dia akan tersangat excited...and kalau dia rasa penat, dia akan diam dan tengok TV. Tak pun dia tidurrrrr.

I don't talk much too...but I made the point to talk about what is upsetting me. Dia dengar. It is coming to 2 years, ada lah jugak perubahan.

Bila orang tak bercakap or tak nak bercakap dengan kita, the best thing to do is to take control, sebab nanti yang merana nya kita. We must know what we want to achieve. Kalau kita tak dapat apa yang kita nak pun, at least we know we had made our point across.

My fren said that..well, banyaklah juga benda yang ada reflect nya pada I and my willingness to sacrifice kat MC. The thing is, between the two, there's only one willing party. Yang sorang lagi tu, nak kata tak willing, well..kalau dia tak willing..manakan ada you dan dia.

We expect so much or even hoping that our love one is just like us yang chenta-sepenuh-hati-dan-mati, we bound to get frustrated when what we give we didn't get (all) back. If we live hoping and expecting, we will be miserable waiting.

People always say, love yourself more...because if you have, you couldn't give a shit if others didn't.Sometimes when we do more its because we want something in it as well. Between me and MC, I traveled more...partly because I want to. There's time when I wish MC is just like me...but, sometimes I do wonder a free spirited person macam dia, kalau dah dok dihadap hari-hari, tak sesak napas kah?

LOve is about being attracted to, getting along well and able to tolerate one another.We may be attracted to biawak ladang gadong and get on...and boleh tahan hidup within close space. The person kenkadang perangai tidak lah lawa mana...tapi dia lah yang kita suka.

Some people just don't know how to change because to them..there's nothing need changing. If we feel strongly about it, we say it. Kalau takde perubahan, then kita buat lah perubahan. It is like, kalau kita syok kat ular yang suka mematuk, kita tahan aje la dgn perangai dia yang suka mematuk tu ye?

Selamat Hari Raya....:)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Love and Lost

Teman tapi tak mesra (but dah mesra sikit since she called...) told me that her area has ran out of Blackberry. They only have Aifong 4. But she said, she is way too clever for Aifong 4. I said, if you like Aifong 4 go ahead lah...

I have been very unreasonable to her. Ye lah, just because one thinks that Blackberry is canggih dan menjimatkan duit lagi cepat untuk bergossip, that doesn't mean that others would agree. Thing is, I am too, too clever for an Aifong. Be it 1,2,3,4. I only just mastered the Aipot. Aipot has little risk for my money yang dah la tak sebanyak mana since mempunyai chenta hati yang berharga £500 cheapest sekali jumpa. (any type of pun is intended here) I often read about people with Aifong running up bills they don't know they have. All this telephone company have big tendency to mis-sold all type of phone contract. Me being clever doesn't help lah kan..buatnya kita dok tekan tu, tekan ini..sekali the bills goes on and on...tak ke mata,hidup dan mulut jadi putih jua?

So, I am sticking to Blackberry. I must admit that before I used to think that Blackberry is stupid and buruk, but now...I just can't live without it and the messenger service. (I love you banyakkk...banyakkk...banyakk...and dia jawab, I love you banyakkk..banyakkkkkkk too...cepat balik ye) Okay..cepatlah muntah.

I lost my father recently. Knowing that he is pretty much on his last leg, I am very well prepared. But the last 2 weeks, I have been awfully sad. I cried everywhere. In my sleep, on a bus, train...tengah buka puasa..tengah makan sahur and tengah main Cafeworld. I cannot bring myself to think and to see any reminder of him. Luckily there's not very much photos of my family that I bring with me here, because I don't want to miss them. There's some, but it was kept somewhere not easy reached.

The subject of love is very broad. I don't love easily but when I do, I love it to death. I can love someone for silly reasons that other would question the motives.

Do we ever wonder why we love the person we love? We can be with the type rupa ada harta pulak kurang, rupa kurang harta pun kurang, rupa and harta ada (tapi kedekut nak mampus) harta banyak perangai huduh, rupa ada perangai puaka and so on?

Do we love our parents because of they are our parents or is there something else besides the facts that they are the parents?

Adakah kita sayang kat laki/bini kita sebab dia tu laki/bini kita and kita terpaksa jugak ada perasaan sayang sebab dah takda siapa lagi yang boleh disayang sebagai laki/bini, walaupun ada ketikanya kita rasa nak gantung diri memikir, apasal la aku kawin dengan hang?

I told you about the 1st guy I fell in love with (and dah mati and boleh done lagi tulis surat kat I kata dia cinta kat I tak berubah, sekaligus mengoyakkan jiwa dan perasaan ku..men eh? Hidup pun menyakit ati, mati pun menyakit ati) I still feel sad sad every time i think of him. There's time I remember every single thing, the happiest time and the saddest time, the convincing love and the heartbreaking words. But he is still the nice young man that I first took a fancy. The nice young man who shows love in his own way. Dalam 100 yang kata, lupakan je lah Mat Siamang yang dah memporak perandakan hidup mu, dalam hati hanya kita aje yang tahu macam manatak boleh nya kita nak buang dia. It was never a clear cut with him....right til the end. In a way, I'm glad that he is no longer around or I'll risk being wondering what if, what if and oh why not, we still love each other and POM...hati patah or happy ever after. Who knows gitu.

Then there's MC. And believe me..I still wonder why....alas, there is things that I love about.

Father...of course, our love to each other, is supposedly unconditional. I am his own. His produce. He probably (given manalah ada technology or things where bapak kan be at the labour room in the early 70's kan?) seen me on my first outing and through the rest. I am not yet a parent and although I can understand the meaning of unconditional love literally, I probably don't understand the extent of love of parent and a child.

Now that he is gone and when he was still around, it is very hard to deny his love to me.He love me not less when I didn't get 5A's in my standard 5 assessment test. He love me the same when my SRP and SPM result is not as good as he had hoped. I didn't return from UK with LLB, he was upset..but his love remain unchanged. I did a lot of things he wasn't happy about, sometimes I got rotans, slapped, maki hamun etc etc...but he still feels the same about me. He said some horrible things but mother always come to his defence and said he didn't meant it. I believe both of them.

I grew up a docile child. I listened to him. I did almost everything he wants me to. In all honesty it was all because I had to. I don't know any other way. I was taught to do as I am told. Most times I was unhappy and angry, but in the end..I just didn't mind...because he is my father.

In all those years of growing up, there is time when I wish I had a nicer father and a different father even. Recent years was worst...I was so determined to make my feelings known to him. Tah hapa sebab, tak tau lah...children liberation ke? Is it because masa kecik tak pernah nak menjawab, dah besar panjang kena jugak menunjukkan hak. Tah apa pekdah dapat ber debate dgn makpak tak tau lah kann?

Now that he is gone, I wish that I never had wished for a nicer and different father...nor that I wish I had a real father somewhere because hard done by child are always the anak angkat and tupp, real makpak yang kayaraya boleh bagi segala game&watch will come to our rescue. Because when things was bad, he still feels the same. He believed in me when no one else did. And I know, he never wish for a different me...however much I have upset him.

I often said to mother, ohh how can you stand him? I should have stick to being a daughter and continue to look at him as god. Husband and wife, as to boyfriend and girlfriends always have complicated relationship.

I wish I could have love my father the same way he loved me. His indifference and unconditional love. I am sure he knows how I feel about him...as he is always, knows about everything.

Sayang Babah banyakkk...banyakkkk.....


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Hantu Kak Limah Balik London

Greetings from Croydon.

Tempat tanah tumpahnya botol molotov cocktail where all the occupants are adapting the idea of Kampung Pisang folks, very literally to fight the ZOMBA. Kita bakorrr, kita bakorrrr aje.

I'm fine. I was unharmed physically but dented emotionally, having witnessed the little budak hitams as young as 10 hammering his way into Tesco Express for goods. The shock of seeing about 20,30 hooded boys congregating in Clapham Junction, the station I had to stop for my connecting train home.

In Croydon I saw smokey building from afar, not knowing what had happened. I saw them gangs smashing shops but that part of Croydon, altercations here and there is like the 6 o'clock drama you tengok kat TV daily. Little that I know there's mayhem in some parts of London.

The day before I called up my ex to ask how bad is it in Tottenham and if dia nya okay. Dia cakap dia okay...so, okaylah kan.

So I got home 3 hours delayed and hungry. I had to duck away from the hoodies gang in Clapham. I thought bus was a safer option not knowing that they are starting trouble in the Clapham Junction High Street. I came out of the station and saw the gangs of boys smashing up Debenhams. I saw this older lady yelling at them but the boys just laugh. I did not see any uniformed authorities. People running past me...and they're the hoodies gang I saw at the station. The ran across the station to where all the shop is. I saw people taking pictures from their mobiles. I walked as fast as I could towards nowhere. I followed the bicycle signpost to Wandworth High Street. I dare not stand and wait for bus. I walked for 20 minutes...in thirst and hunger. From Wandsworth, I took a train back home.

I got home, 10 minutes before Iftar but I was feeling ready to makan/minum time tu jugak. MB was watching news. I saw the thing I just saw at Clapham on the telly. I asked MB, ehh..apa benda tu? MB said, ada riot...teruknya. I said, I just saw them. Infact, I saw them in 2 places, Croydon and Clapham. I said to MB, all of them budak-budak hitam.

Thankfully, I managed to sabar until Iftar. But fasting made me tired that I rasa nak tidur after my mug of Milo. I bbm'ed (promo kepada kawan tapi tak mesra ----- Blackberry adalah cool) MC, bagitau dia I dah buka puasa and penat nak tidur sekarang..and that I just saw a riot. You jangan risau ye sebab I okay...but I'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow sebab riot also happened in Croydon, where I work. And I terus tido.

I bangun sahur just for another Milo and thought I should call my mother. But I didn't..because I terus tido balik.

MC told me to stay home and not go to work, sebab katanya kat TV nampak macam ganas. I said, oh nooo...rioters tak kacau orang diorang nak curik TV aje. And MC said, kalau tak kacau orang, why do they beat up that Malaysian boy? I tak tau nak jawab apa. Then I called my mother, and she didn't mentioned anything...so macam biasa I tanya khabar and conversation ended in 3-4 minutes. Ohh..anak mithali.

Until now, I still don't know what actually happened and why it happened. I saw the aftermath in total disbelief.

The culprits are the children. Years ago, I asked not to work in Children Services because I know somehow kids in England..and everywhere for that matter, if not them..the parents are evil reincarnated. (POMM! mampuslah orang marah kat I pas ni kann?) But working in Social Services, you see evils in many shape and form....kecik, mak budak..bapak budak. Parents always think they know what to do with their child, they know what made them tick and they're unlikely want to take kindly to 'orang luar' punya recommendations...nak nak org luar tu takde anak. Ish....

But parents and their child live together....as much as the parents knows their child, sebanyak tu jugaklah their child 'knows' them..and know how to mengaburkan mata makpaknya...well, defensive parents are usually the one who knows the truth but refuse to swallow them.

But hey...saya takde anak....dan apalah yg saya tahu kann?