About Me

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Uncomplicated Comfortable Life


Someone I know rang me today.Someone I know from another mates.Because I don't announce my current health status, apart from to you all and my boss,he is in complete oblivion of my chest infection.I decided not to excuse myself as he sounded very,very down.He rang me because someone said that he can talk to me.Since when am I offering a therapy service? Apart from not overly qualified,one thing that people must know when choosing a therapist is that the therapist cannot know you.Why? That's a good question.Most of us seems to think that closest mate is someone to turn to when you dilanda kekacauan jiwa.Not exactly true.Friends can comfort.But I honestly don't think you will tell them almost everything.They will judge and quite possibly come up with wrong conclusions,unintentionally.I have this feeling about him wanted me to talk with him about his problems in an intellectual discourse, friend to friend, rather than allowing me to to know him in a more direct way.

For a start, nobody will see a therapist because they have money problems.Nor do if they have physical pain.You have got to see someone who have no idea who you are because they are unable to judge or making nasty assumption.They will listen and because they are not at all attach to you,the will find a way to point you into right direction to deal with it.Therapist can't cure.You have a problem, you have got to solve it.Often time that when your jiwa is kacau, you can't see a light in front of you.Your world become smaller and ever ready to suffocate you.Therapist usually don't have a slightest idea about you.They imagine and fantasised how you life is and will be by seeing and talking to you.If you come to them with a problems, therapist won't have a clue about what caused it.But if you talk to a friends that know you even with slightest informations,the help rendered isn't actually neutral.If you a wife beater,you tell your friends about your problems and this friends who knows about your sejarah hidup,this friend of yours will have the idea at the back of his/her mind like...ohh...your father is like that and now you.Assume and assume.

Back to this bloke.His found out that his wife is cheating on him,caught them together in their marital bed.He is very troubled by it.Because I know him,shamefully, I got the gist that he is more embarassed rather that being upset.He admitted that he beat the poor unsuspecting lover boy to pulp and have not seen his wife since.Too upset he said.I can't be cow and say, oh, I'm not a right person you can tell this to.I comforted him.The more we talk, the more his fear comes out.He is too angry that make him scared that he might do stupid things.Of course in between that fear, he professed his love to his wife.Non stop and it is very hard to accept such betrayal.

All I offered was, think what is best for both of you.I admire his courage.He went for all that trouble to talk to me about it.Mind you,men don't talk about this thing emotionally.What they tend to talk if they really want to talk is always a disparaging remark about the cheating wife,if they really want to open up.I can imagine is doubly hard for a men to tell their mates if they caught their wives in bed with other blokes.Your mate might think that your wife is easy,been knocked over and they will probably want to have a go as well.Men sometimes cannot accept that their pride is been insulted,big time.

After a while,alone...I started thinking about him.I can't share this with him because his my friend.What I heard from a sobbing man just now is more to a despair of losing authority.It seems to me that when this happened he became frightened by the feelings stirred up in him and would retreat back into his capable,managing role.I was moved by his dignity and reserve.His authority over her is fiercely intimidated.He can't get over that, his failure to maintain his authority over her and that is what is bugging him,enough to make him homicidal.

My ex fiance cheated on me.Well,anger and upset aside,I want to know what will be the end of it.Will there still a future and have I love him enough to give our relationship another go.Well, I did.Sometimes comfort play a big part in a sustainable marriage.Love is there, even if its under nourish.You spent such a long time with a person.It is like a good fixture and is you let it break,it is like your one arm being amputated.Still manageable but less comfortable.Cheating party can get away with a simple sorry and won't do it again.Quite often, they mean what they said.Is difficult to come off your comfort zone, however unhappy.Women usually will hang on because of many reasons.Men,if they are the cheaters, first there is difficulties to cope with the embarassment of getting caught and second,long thinking, it is better a long standing wife who knows you inside out rather than a stupid,luscious fling.Divorce and separation happened when we feel or see there is nothing to salvage anymore.No future whatsoever.No comfort in relationship make separation lot easier.You know very well in your head that you should start anew and hope grass is greener somewhere.

This friend of mine is very comfortable.They bought a house together,have a nice car and their life pact beautifully.He is happy,hurt but happy.I don't think he will leave his wife.He may as well forget her fling and move on.He just need to deal with his anger.Life is too comfortable for them both.

I'm so comfortable being independent.Frankie is scared of that.I'm always can do with and without.Made no difference.Shattered emotion yes but no total breakdown.But it is good to have someone who cares and love you as much sea.I'm in a process of detaching.Regulations make it difficult.But, as I said, can do and can do without.There is pleasure and pain.Live your life by day.I do that.

Thank you for the well wishing.I wish you the same in return.


Anonymous said...

Therapist can't cure.You have a problem, you have got to solve it.

saye teramat-amatlah bersetuju dengan pendapat ini.
as a friend, the best that we can do is just listen. and you, really a good friend :)

Belladonna said...

Aiyo, hope both of them dapat menemui kaedah penyelesaian masalah yang sesuai hendaknya.

Aku pun dulu ditipu oleh my stupid ex. Tapi sekarang aku menipu masih bujang trang tang tang (just to feel gud abt myself coz all my frens bz cerita abt their babies/kids)..muahahaha.

Biarkan Frankie dengan labu-labunya, janji ko happy tak pening kepala. Im sure one day u'll find someone who will love u just as you are.

Take care Han.

Lan said...

im glad im still a teenagers, else my head will explode from too many grown up problems...

yangsabarrr said...

well said. the best entry in your blog. i can relate to that very much. comfy versus love. convenience versus happiness but inconvenience.

ie. it is so inconvenience to get a divorce esp when you have kids and when u r not familiar with ur partner's country systsems and shd you filed the divorce in ur country or in ur partner's country, and how inconvenient to find lodging esp if you bring kids.. and the distress that ur kids feel.. not to mentioned the possibility of ur kids suffering from low morale etc....

there i said it in other people blog. so some like me wd choose the routine and the convenience. it is more comfortable......

lekiu said...

I think after a while most people would prefer the comfortable. It is easier to deal with known "evil" rather than taking a plunge into the abyss, separate and start from scratch.

Picking up one's live after such tragedy takes bravery.

After reading your posting, it makes me wonder that with so much at stake, so much uncertainty, so much difficulty in managing relationship, we yearn to have relationship.

I don't handle divorce matters very often, but you can feel so much acrimony between parties. Children then becomes a leverage point to "get back" at the spouse.

I get very tired after negotiating a divorce meeting. Almost the same tiredness I feel after visiting a client in prison.

Han said...

Ish..ish..ish..I mati-mati ingat Lekiu & Yang Sabar tu orang yang sama.Ye lah..itu hari kan jadik M.Madeline. By the way..Hi y'all, thanks for reading.I think at this age (mind you, dah rasa kertu ni) similar person will only have energy on choosing comfort.Unless lah you ada Scottish blood, ala-ala Braveheart gitu...

Hi Lan, it is not to late to start preparing yourself from further aging complications.

Bella & Blurr,
Tima Kasih....tipulah lagiii...asal hati gumbira...