About Me

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Mood Terbalik Episod 1

When I went home recently, 2 days before my flight back to LHR, I managed to sit tight at home and spent time with my father, whom I obviously avoided. Hmmm....bukan tak suka, but cannot stand the guilt trip my father is capable of giving, especially to his anak derhaka ni. It was the longest 48 hours, not that I regret at all but being already detached, physically and emotionally, giving in to the usual banter is something I try not to get into.

Orang kata, make use of all the time you have with your parents when they are still around. If you are a logical mathematics bastard, you may agree but as you know, anything can happen sekarang ni. Adik or abang can die before your elderly parents, and when they're gone, you will regret not being nice or spending time with them. This has happened to me. Speaking of being nice, you really should, tak kiralah to who, anak ke or mak bapak. Only, we are not obliged to. I have also seen parents regret of not being there for their kids.

I known few people who are not 'kamceng' with their parents or adik beradik. I'm sure they have their reason. It is so easy for people to say, alaahh, kita ni hidup tak lama, biar bygone be bygone lah.Well, itu you, bukan I. Senanglah you cakap kan?

I have my reasons.Since I arrived, I havent call my parents to tell them that I have safely arrived.Like I said, bukan benci or anything.My father and I are very close and after coming out from his shield, I learn to fend for myself and it is not easy.When I was bullied at school, I will call him and mengadu habis-habis.He was a busy man with places to travel, but he always have ways to reach out.In return for his loyalty, I submit to all his demands although that left me a very unhappy person.

At times I can be very lonely here and at times, I am this young girl who needs a father and a brother even. But, they are not within reach.Leaving KLIA every visits is not easy. I never allow any of my family member to take me to the airport.I don't like to look back. I don't like leaving them behind.

I'm not sure if one day I'll regret this, not being 'friendly' to my family. I told F that I miss my family. F said I should call. Speaking to them is only making things worst than they already are.This is just my way of coping. We are just different from one to another. People with unlimited supply of opinion are free to say how ungrateful I have been to my parents.But surely, they will never know how it feels.I think this is probably why I decided not to have kids. I am one myself.

(Nampak sangat kan, makan gaji buta kat office sekarang ni. Boleh buat posting tu before lunchtime)

4 comments:

Lee Novotny said...

All I can say is, different people, has diff attitude towards their family. As for me, I can take it or leave it but of course bila di kampung, mmg kena berbaik baik, muka manis segala..taknak pulak dichop jadik anak derhaka hoh?

I don't like goodbyes at airport either - sebab mak mak wajiblah akan kuar segala mala waterworks that in turn makes myself piula yang kuar air mata...ish ishh...

Manal said...

Parents eh....sometimes they do things and hoped that we would understand and compromise n tolerate with woteva they decided. Masa kecik2 dulu maybe masih boleh sabar, but once we r adult, hati masing2 pon kena jaga. I am one of those yg boleh tak bercakap sgt dengan parents even under the same roof. I think i spoke to them more when i was in london rather than back home. Things aint that easy for an unmarried 31 years old like me bila ade 3 orang adek dah kawen and both younger sisters married to men older than me!

Dulu2 i heran how la some anak2 boleh leave their parents bertahun2 only to come back bila their kids forcing them to, but now i know, things like this would happen!

Izuan Kunang-Kunang said...

Hmmm biasa la tu...kadang-kadang orang yang paling kita sayang la yang paling susah untuk kita ekspressikan rasa sayang kita itu....

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Mak Leemah, I ni dah le derhaka, tak sedar diri lak tu, camno tu?

Manal...you baru 31, belum 35 and tak bercita-cita langsung nak berlaki.

Izuan, macam tu la...hah, you dgn mamat US ngang tu camne la pulak?