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Thursday, November 15, 2007

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin (Bahagian Pertama)

KLCC Summit recently.Muka 3 ahli terpaksa ditutup kerana mereka mempunyai hutang kain lapuk yang mencecah jutaan ringgit.

Eyy, cam lahanat aje tajuknya kan? But, I remember seeing the siri bercakap dengan jin or iblis sometime ago. I think, if I remember clearly, the author is called Tamar Jalis. God knows how lah dia boleh bercakap dengan jin, let alone publishing the whole conversation with the jin. Well, today is my 2nd day medicated with that AP pill. One a day katanya. My dosage for that tablet is so low and the strength is only 10mg but looking at how panic and melodramatic I was pasal kena suruh makan that ubat mengalahkan Khairy Jamaluddin berkempen for that Ijok by election kan?

I have seen the effect of anti depressant on people.While I agree that some of them needed it ( by saying them, I might be one) I guess the whole part of denial is whether we are able to cope with the prejudice.I for one look at my current condition as a failure.Typical capricorn huh? I think I have to resign to the fact that although I think I known my own capabilities, I have no power over how my body will react. I want to do lots of things, want this and want that. Fine example, Raja Nazrin. Spent many years hoping that he will notice and pluck me out, apa hasilnya?

My headache has gone even before I telan that pil. Denial power sungguhlah perkasanya. I called my boss (bukan TDM ye, but different boss) to tell her about the pills. I remember telling her that I feel like shit.We talked about it, the positive thing about it. My body really needs a rest but my brain is directing otherwise and they just need to tell the brain to take it easy.

I slept well these 2 days. In fact, I wanted to sleep more but work is stopping me. The 'jin' side of me keep goading me to neglect the physical needs hence telling me that I got the power. I should have agreed to be signed off sick. I have embraced the ego so much that I can't bear people thinking that I'm going loopy and need to be put away. Setan speaking lah ni.

As a result of physical ability toppling the mind ability, I have done quite few things since Monday.

Jantan Tembam....as you know (based on what was told) a complete neorotic idiot. We spoke last week when I wasn't in the mood to argue and just let him go on and on ranting. I just played my active listening role before telling him that I will call him back. I did. The first time since relationship/friendship bersambung kembali ni, I actually called him back. And that was yesterday. There I was, rabbiting to him....through and through....and I bet he will now rest in peace, where ever he is. Nak dengar sangat kan? I think, that is the end of JT. Podahhhhh!!!!!!

Before leaving home yesterday, I told F that I need to spend sometime alone...(dah bergaduh malamnya tu) and that is what I did. Alone yesterday and today.

When I was in KL recently, I terjumpa my ex. Yes you all, my ex...yang kalau boleh nak aku axe kan kepalanya. Ni lah padahnya gi bersidai kat shopping complex dekat dengan office dia. I have managed to ignore all his emails but seeing him in flesh really membuatkan hidupku bergoncang-goncang.Not wanting to live with perasaan bergoncang-goncang for long, I emailed him yesterday.

I told him that I'm glad I was dumped.One person has to make that choice and it was him. He have to live with it. That reminds me of what we usually read or heard, that people breaking up on a mutual decision. Mana ada? There is no such thing as mutual decision, when people say that, they're just lying to make it sound nice.Men always come out with the idea. The ketidakadilan is always with men. If they are the one with the idea, they expect you to agree with them. I remember some girlfriends who tried to end it with their boys, 'Eh tak boleh lah, dia tak setuju'. Eh...apasal pulak?

My ex was my best friend before we decided to call ourselves each others lover. I always believe that sexual attraction will not last that long. To be apart from him is painful (hey..dah berapa kali dah cerita pasal ni hah?) I will always going to have this conflict with him. The love was there, it have finished long time ago but the hurt of being betrayed will stay.Longer than it should.He is a single man now...for the last 3 years.Even if I am going to be attracted to him once again, I will always going to remember his betrayal.

In one of his email (yang baru ku jawab semalam) he asked if I still love him. I said yes, because it is true.But honestly, apart from benefiting me in mengumpat about him in my blog, I can't see any future. He can stay where he had left us.And I just want to remember him as an ex (or axed?

Sekian.

14 comments:

Lee Novotny said...

axed aje kepala dia tu..buat cara Queen Elizabeth I hiksss :) YOu can forgive but you cam never forget eh??? :) Hope u r doing fine sweetie xx

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

kepala yg mana nak dikapak tu, Lee?

aizee said...

makcik..cerita la apa ko cakap kat K...aku ghairah nak tahu ni.

Belladonna said...

Yang down south tu yang harus dikapak.

Wah Esah, ko bubuh gambar tu.. rindu plak aku nak berhuha-huha ngan korang.

Glad that ure feeling better, hugs!

captainlukman said...

"Even if I am going to be attracted to him once again, I will always going to remember his betrayal.".....


ermmmmmmmmmm tu lah mak tak sker balik KUL, n happy tak roster ke KUL. Sebab kalau balik je, mak je yang meroyan sekor2 terkenang kenang kisah lalu.......

Goddess Selene said...

Makji, mana satu yg jin nie? Mak tgk dlm gamba tu ada Bella dgn 3 jin?? Oppssss YAHAMPONNNNNNNNN!!!!!! Hehehe...

Oooh skrg dah bebas dari JT lah nie? Kozer cekjan yg nak merajuk2 nih kan? Mcm Makleemah ckp tu, just axed ur ex! Ada hati lagi nak kembalianz? Loser sgt mcm tuh! JT & ur ex tu mcm lebih kurang sama jer senarionye!.. Kozer layan taw..

Manal said...

While reading this entry, my mind dah floating somewhere.....SUNGGUH LA from the heart what u wrote that it left me pondering walaupun u made sad things sound so funny.

Adakah ini penangan anti depressant?

Cik Kiah Kidman said...

Saja je kan?
Banyak2 shopping complex kat KL ni yg pre-war tu jugak ko nak masuk. Pas tu ternampak pakwe lama, dlm hati tertanya2...pas tu email...pas tu entah hapa2 tah lagi.

Men are like that kan? Senang2 je declare that the breakup is mutual cam jugak my ex-siamang dulu. Entah bila dapat persetujuan dpd i utk didump pun tak tahu la.

To answer your question previously, whether you were showing signs of psychotic behaviour or depress ke..
Well, depress tak...desperate ado la...kakakakaah!

DBI said...

esah...

dah bercakap dengan jin pulak dah...makan ubat tak ni????

harap dapat ubat yamg least side effect..

Rockafella Gurl said...

mati la antuuuuuu! larikkkkkkkkk! nasib aku tak de dlm gambo tu..

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

hamboi aizee...kemain lagi kau ye? Nantilah aku bagitau...

Kalau dikapak yg itu, apa lagi yg tinggal kat diorang kan, Bella...eh, ko taknak dtg sini ke?

Capt, dio carik mung ko, mung carik dio? Mung masih berahi lagi ko ke dio?

Bukan jin la Makji Eton...kitorang takut ceti cari..ye la kan utang kain dah lama tak bayar...

I'm not sure la Manal...I need ppl like you to tell...

Hey Kiah...aku takde pilihan okay, dah kat tempat tu aje jual software haram...cepat gi salahkan Makji Eton. Eh..kau kena dump jugak ke dgn ko nya siamang...hulaaa...cam siyalll kan, dah diludah nya pastu pandai pulak buat-buat insomnia.

Doc..very mild tablet indeed..tapi I ni yg dah semulajadi sewel.

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Eh..Kiah..salah diagnostic...amnesia, bukan insomnia.

Belladonna said...

Esah, sapa takmo pi sana..tapi tunggu hasil aku mencurik duit lakiku cukup and tunggu airasia ado flight pi sana :D Aku pun kepingin nak makan kat Oriental City jugak

- guile - said...

they say insan means lupa. then, how come forgive-and-forget doesnt work? the heart can forgive but can it forget? only those who has experience it know very well. i'm still struggling though. ada ubat tak nak kasi such cell in the brain to forget this memory? kasi sikit boleh?