Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin (Bahagian Pertama)

KLCC Summit recently.Muka 3 ahli terpaksa ditutup kerana mereka mempunyai hutang kain lapuk yang mencecah jutaan ringgit.

Eyy, cam lahanat aje tajuknya kan? But, I remember seeing the siri bercakap dengan jin or iblis sometime ago. I think, if I remember clearly, the author is called Tamar Jalis. God knows how lah dia boleh bercakap dengan jin, let alone publishing the whole conversation with the jin. Well, today is my 2nd day medicated with that AP pill. One a day katanya. My dosage for that tablet is so low and the strength is only 10mg but looking at how panic and melodramatic I was pasal kena suruh makan that ubat mengalahkan Khairy Jamaluddin berkempen for that Ijok by election kan?

I have seen the effect of anti depressant on people.While I agree that some of them needed it ( by saying them, I might be one) I guess the whole part of denial is whether we are able to cope with the prejudice.I for one look at my current condition as a failure.Typical capricorn huh? I think I have to resign to the fact that although I think I known my own capabilities, I have no power over how my body will react. I want to do lots of things, want this and want that. Fine example, Raja Nazrin. Spent many years hoping that he will notice and pluck me out, apa hasilnya?

My headache has gone even before I telan that pil. Denial power sungguhlah perkasanya. I called my boss (bukan TDM ye, but different boss) to tell her about the pills. I remember telling her that I feel like shit.We talked about it, the positive thing about it. My body really needs a rest but my brain is directing otherwise and they just need to tell the brain to take it easy.

I slept well these 2 days. In fact, I wanted to sleep more but work is stopping me. The 'jin' side of me keep goading me to neglect the physical needs hence telling me that I got the power. I should have agreed to be signed off sick. I have embraced the ego so much that I can't bear people thinking that I'm going loopy and need to be put away. Setan speaking lah ni.

As a result of physical ability toppling the mind ability, I have done quite few things since Monday.

Jantan Tembam....as you know (based on what was told) a complete neorotic idiot. We spoke last week when I wasn't in the mood to argue and just let him go on and on ranting. I just played my active listening role before telling him that I will call him back. I did. The first time since relationship/friendship bersambung kembali ni, I actually called him back. And that was yesterday. There I was, rabbiting to him....through and through....and I bet he will now rest in peace, where ever he is. Nak dengar sangat kan? I think, that is the end of JT. Podahhhhh!!!!!!

Before leaving home yesterday, I told F that I need to spend sometime alone...(dah bergaduh malamnya tu) and that is what I did. Alone yesterday and today.

When I was in KL recently, I terjumpa my ex. Yes you all, my ex...yang kalau boleh nak aku axe kan kepalanya. Ni lah padahnya gi bersidai kat shopping complex dekat dengan office dia. I have managed to ignore all his emails but seeing him in flesh really membuatkan hidupku bergoncang-goncang.Not wanting to live with perasaan bergoncang-goncang for long, I emailed him yesterday.

I told him that I'm glad I was dumped.One person has to make that choice and it was him. He have to live with it. That reminds me of what we usually read or heard, that people breaking up on a mutual decision. Mana ada? There is no such thing as mutual decision, when people say that, they're just lying to make it sound nice.Men always come out with the idea. The ketidakadilan is always with men. If they are the one with the idea, they expect you to agree with them. I remember some girlfriends who tried to end it with their boys, 'Eh tak boleh lah, dia tak setuju'. Eh...apasal pulak?

My ex was my best friend before we decided to call ourselves each others lover. I always believe that sexual attraction will not last that long. To be apart from him is painful (hey..dah berapa kali dah cerita pasal ni hah?) I will always going to have this conflict with him. The love was there, it have finished long time ago but the hurt of being betrayed will stay.Longer than it should.He is a single man now...for the last 3 years.Even if I am going to be attracted to him once again, I will always going to remember his betrayal.

In one of his email (yang baru ku jawab semalam) he asked if I still love him. I said yes, because it is true.But honestly, apart from benefiting me in mengumpat about him in my blog, I can't see any future. He can stay where he had left us.And I just want to remember him as an ex (or axed?

Sekian.