About Me

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Xmas All

Merry Xmas everyone.To my love,to my friends,my colleagues,my clients,my neighbours,my employers (plural),my in laws and my piles.

As I did not get any better offer from anyone by 12am last night,I decided to stay in my jimjams dengan tak mandi,tak gosok gigi and writing this post.I like to imagine people around me having fun (as they should) and I, trying to have fun too,in the way I try to figure out how.Well, I would have thought that I will be with my love from Saturday and ripping of our Xmas presents to each other today.But like we always does,we brought ourselves in a heated conversation and in the end,I was asked not to come.I am so thankful that I delivered the card and birthday present weeks ago and so,however trivial the pergaduhan is,I have done my part for Xmas.Save myself from dikutuk oleh my in laws...sure lah diorang akan tanya,mana I pagi-pagi Xmas ni.My partner will willingly mengadu to them and again,I'm the bad,bad one.Tak kuasa.

I kill my time follow Lou & Liza around to deliver presents to her families and makan mince pies.They're such nice people.I got a presents from them too.It's like a bargain thinking that apart from being their daughter's/sister's flatmate,I bear no lawful relationship with them.Maybe they kesian becos I terkonteng-konteng seorang diri.While Liza is so gatal to scout for a new Land Rover to replace her Mini,(alasannya? Kesian kat I dengan Lou yang selalu kaki tersangkut bila nak keluar from back seat...boleh percaya ke alasan from a compulsive shopper cam tu?) I can't help feeling sorry for myself.On the journey out and about yesterday,I can't stop thinking about F.I wonder why things are so bad now.How we had survived all this years (pergaduhan is not our benda baru) and now little things can kill.I guessed that we do that 'sweep things under the rug' a lot before and for some reason not willing to do it now.I sweep the dirt a lot and hide it.I tend to question plenty things now and realised,there is so many things that is not good.

*** Why can't you come and visit me? You know that I'm not well.Don't you want to be friends with my friends? ***(Why should I? They're bunch of fuckers....sampai hati)
***I celebrate Xmas with you,why can't you do the same during the Eid? ***(Why should I? This is not a Muslim country...celakababisial)


I have been talking about F a lot in my therapy.I was asked to keep an open mind about it.After many,many sessions still, keep an open mind about it.I have counselled few people who were unaware that their relationship problems are similar to mine.Some can hate their lovers guts to bits but can't bear the thought of living without them.The best thing to do is to change the attitude.But you can only change you.You can change people.Most of the time you think that they the one that need changing.You have done this,you have done that.There's something about your partner that must change to make things work better.You can tolerate bad behaviour (I have tolerated swearing...) but after a while, you can see that you fitting into them is alienating you from what you use to.

I have my share of quick bad tempered that can easily ignited when I am being annoyed.Some people will let go.I will too,depend on who's annoying.My headstrong tactics sometimes doesn't help.I am convinced that I contributed 75% to my marriage problems.Jahat kan?

As I have lived essentially alone for many years,I should have liked to be attached to someone that loves me so much.I do.When I'm there,I was treated like the love one.Coffees done, and yes to toasted peanut butter sandwich.There is such comfort.But I can always see that there is always going to be two different people wanting two different things.I have started to question my capability.It seems like I can't bear to coincide and making effort way too much.People say it is never too late.I think it is way,way too late.

A male friend from school who use to be buaya besar during his zaman-zaman kegemilangan came by to see me to pass on his Xmas present to me last Friday.I noticed his Xmas card was signed by both Joe&Mindy.I asked him, who is 'Mindy'? This once upon a time handsome man (with bapak orang putih and malay mum) gladly told me that Mindy is the fiancee. When I first bumped into him couple of years ago, he was still a serial dater.Same when we were in school.He hantar surat 'berkenalan' to few of the girls in my class,went out with them couple of weeks and putus.He was my 'abang angkat' in school but funnily, I never called abang like other junior girls addressing the senior boys.He was so good looking that I remember having crushes (yes, plural) but manalah Richie Riccardo lookalike will notice ugly girl like me? He will of course go for the type of girl that in old malay movies will be the anak ketua kampung yang menjadi rebutan teruna-teruna desa.The jambu type.At 36,he is now ready to settle down.What ever happened to all the anak ketua kampung that he dated?

Speaking of making commitment,male motivation is endlessly fascinating to me.Been engaged twice,been proposed to 4 times (of 2 which I had accepted and married to one).I asked Joe how he knew Mindy was the one (filtered from 6 truck askar). Joe told me about his dates to many amazing women who were wife material but he just looked at Mindy one day and thought, 'Now I'm ready'.I think this is true of a lot of men; it's about a right place, right time which isn't terribly romantic.Often you go out with a man and start to feel insecure because the relationship's not progressing and, as a woman, you think because you are not good enough.Most of the time, it is nothing to do with you.They're just not ready.This may as well happen to a woman.

Was I ready? I don't date a lot though.

5 comments:

lekiu said...

You seem to be in a love hate relationship with "F". You guys must be seriously passionate and head strong. Not a bad thing,mind you.

For the sake of your sanity, I sincerely hope that you will one day able to find peace with "F".

Btw, I never knew any woman who have been proposed as many as you. You claim you dont date a lot and you have 4 proposals for marriage. You must have left quite an impression on the "limited" number of men you dated. I bet they must have been deeply affected by your rejection. Interesting piece.

Any more anecdote ? Pray tell.

Han said...

You don't know any? Mmm...maybe you don't bcos you (according to yrs lovingly) dated millions....

The first man proposed when he is abt to leave me.I thought,he must be driven by apprehensiveness of having to leave me behind.I was young and stupid and I thought that was romantic.I truly believe that he regretted that proposal.

After a while, I was introduced to this man (who is now a multi millionaire, well he was fascinatingly loaded when we go out...nyesal nih) We kawan like biasa.Maybe I'm not the usual type that he come across.I think he was drwan to me bcos he saw me as a strong character.He used to say that I love you bcos you'll look after me.I just thought, what abt me then? I too need looking after sometimes.He is such a strong man with strong values but lack of maternal love that I believe tend to yearn that in a future partner.He unconsciously deman that I gave up part of myself.Did I said yes when he proposed? (Not in a typical romantic on the bended knee style anyway) Well, I buat-buat tak dengar.

3rd man,use a middle man to connect us when he have the easy access (I was his boss) In the end, on the verge of leaving for UK for good,he texted me..Oh Ikhlas dari I, I ingin melamar you...ceh...apasal takut? Harimaukah aku? Did I say yes? Honestly, I don't know what to say.

So,I will take what you said as a compliments.Maybe I left an impression that they unable to let go.But it is more abt me than them.I don't know if I broke their heart but ppl who doesn't show feelings are ppl who will suffer the most.Maybe I broke that 2 men hearts.I was on the rebound and lead them on thinking that I'm emotionally available.

The consequences? That will explain my piles and my troubled marriage.

Have a nice holiday

lekiu said...

Yup, take it as a compliment. It was meant to be anyway. At the risk of sounding repetitive, I do hope you could live happily ever after with "F".

Speaking abt happily ever after, I grew up with fairy tales. I love, embarassingly, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and to an unrelated extent, Elves and the Shoemaker. I grew up until my early 20s and thought that relationship are like the stuff in fairy tales. No necessity of working things out between me and my spouse. You meet someone, and that would be it.

I didnt realise that to live "happily ever after" require inhuman amount of hard work, truckloads of patience, lots of tolerance, tears, anger, frustration, mind boggling "heart to heart" talk. It is an emotional roller coaster journey.

I still couldnt get over the fact that you had that many proposals and you turned them down.

Questions :-

1. By the way, when you turned down the proposals, was it difficult ?

2. Did you take a lot of time to think it over ?

3. Did you had to consult others ?

4. And when you rejected, were they scornful ?

5. Did your family know about it ?

6. If the answer to the question is yes, were they shocked you rejected ?

7. If the answer is no, why did you decide to keep the proposals private ?

8. Did you meet in person with the men to discuss rejection ?

9. If the answer is yes, were their dissapointment, anger, relief apparent and visible ?

10. If the answer is no, why didnt you meet them in person ?

11. Apart from the Malaysian Abramovich you regrettedly scoffed, whatever happened to those men ?

(a). Are they married ?
(b). Do you keep in touch with them still ?
(c). Or have they decided to become gay ? Btw, after so many heartbreaks before I met my wife, a friend of mine suggested that route. For a fraction of a second, that route sounded about right. Then, lo and behold, Bella came about out of the blue, and thus far my butt at least is still a virgin..hahaha.

montymelly said...

Hi Han,
How can he let you spent Christmas on your own?? Gaduh2 pun kan Christmas ni a time for sharing and giving etc. etc. Ish! Sampai hati dia...hampeh lah! And then why lak tak leh nak celebrate Eid dgn you????
You know what, your relationship was similar to mine and my 'cinta agung'. We'd be fighting all the time and of course making up was the best part because dua2 passionate la katakan..but at the end of the day it was emotionally draining because just imagine, on important days pun nak gaduh jugak for e.g. while we were on hol to Amsterdam, my graduation day, bulan puasa, raya, you name it! If you two are meant to be together, it won't be this hard.

I still remember why i kept on going back to him over and over again, it's because he's very clever at meng'ayat'..at the end of the day he was the one who left me pun. Now, once in a while i still receive smses from him trying to meng'usha' i..killing me softly with his words...kengkadang tu tergugat jugak iman yang memang tak berapa tebal ni..but..bila i terpandang muka my hubby yg tidur terbongkang depan tv with mulut ternganga and teringat the crazy things he'd do for me yg some of my friend's husband tak sanggup nak buat for e.g.
1. Belikan my underwear with specific instructions from me, jenis, saiz, warna, pattern etc. Ni bukan kinkiness but more of i don't have the time to go shopping.
2. Tak segan silu belikan sanitary towel utk i.
3. Sanggup looked after the baby and mengekor i when i have to go outstation for my work.
4. Paint the nails on my right hand for me because i'm crap at working with my left.
5. I dera dia tolong pegangkan handbag i lama2 kat shopping complex..

It's either he loves me and find it hard to express himself or he's very into his feminine side (this is a scary thought!)

Suffice it to say, everyone deserves to be happy and why stay on with something so fragile as that?

Aina said...

Han,
May be am new to you, but I dah khatam semua cerita you as a silent reader. Am so touched with ur luv story.....

I realy pray and hope, oneday u'll meet Mr Right. To me, sometimes, its better be single daripada kawin/cinta pas tu merana....Kekadang lelaki ni menyakitkan hati dan menyusahkan sajor.(jgn marah yer LeQ..u golongan lelaki baik...)

Han, enjoy ur single life dear.