Okay, pada posting yang kali ni, I nak berfeeling-feeling tulis surat to MC, imagining I dengan dia sedang mengalami masalah besar....sampai takleh nak bercakap dek menyampah punya pasal. Have you ever been in a situation dengan your spouse, partner, bf/gf..dimana setelah attempt nak berkomunikasi secara kasar dan halus tak jalan and you have come to the part, nak cakap pun tak reti dah because there might be a risk of pertumpahan darah..air mata or worst, you induce cardiac arrest lantas mati terbukak mata?
Nak kata I dgn MC perfect, tidak lah..nak nak pulak I dah mengambil pendekatan..lantklah kau dengan dia. My situation is easy, if I tak suka, I boleh blah..but because I kan suka menyeksa diri, batin dan jiwaraga, maka long may I live to memakan hati. But to those yang situation nya seperti diatas, bestest way is to just tulis surat. Things about letter, the writer can take time to write (think pastu kalau boleh amend la kalau ada termencarut) and the reader can read, read and read and make sense of it. Surat juga adalah bahan bukti..should we come to it lah, untuk digunakan ditempat-tempat yang memerlukan loyar dan tuan hakim serta kerani court, evidence to show that the writer dah cuba sedaya upaya untuk memperbaiki apa2 yang rosak. Verbal conversation, risk nya..nak nak kalau you dapat partner kaki auta who will deny every single things and mula memakai concept, your words against mine gitu. Sial. My situation is..the imaginary one that is, say...we have been married for 8 years and have two kids. Judging us, I think the kids will be closer to me, ye lah..kalau dia pun set-set tak berapa nak kisah dgn I, uols rasa dia nak kesah ke hal anak2 dia? But saying that too...I pun set2 pelupa nak rak and I may be neglecting my children too.
But let's just imagine...MC is a good and doting father.
Dear MC ----bila tengah marah, term of endearment masuk longkang lah kannn? Tak kosser I nak ber baby,baby dgn you...and at this rate, I am likely to call you babi than the former.
You should not be surprise that this letter arrived to you. I think we both know why am I resorting to this. These last couple of weeks, particularly wasn't easy.
I am not happy and I think you know this unhappiness is obvious. I can tell that you are unhappy to. So you must know I have been unhappy for a while now.
Since I am writing, let this letter me about me. I think it is about time I do something about my unhappiness. Okay, where should I start? Since the day we stop behaving like a couple or since the day we got together?
I think, since we entered this relationship with both of our eyes open, we know very well that partnership will always have its highs and lows. Well, at least I do. I do know that marriage is a gamble. We can swore to eternity but tomorrow can be another story altogether. Marriage is like a share market too, has it ups and downs. Ours are like...I don't know. If I take it like a share market, I am hoping for high days as it has been so down since I can remember.
Where did we go wrong? I can cry thinking about this. I know it was good to begin with. There is time I feel like there's nothing else matters to you but me. I haven't felt like that for a long,long while.
Yes I have flaws. The one that I know of that is. Union of 2 persons can certainly change the being of one. I remember I was fun loving, I remember I was happy and I certainly remember that (ni I lah rasa) that we love each other madly.
Ae we destined to be as doomed as this? Is there somewhere written in the air that marriage are suppose to be good for the 1st 2 years? No, I don't believe so. We contributed to that. If marriage is bad then, we are bad.
Silence in our case is not golden. It kills. Maybe you enjoyed it. I don't know. Lot's of things that I don't know anymore. I don't know where I stand or still standing for that matter. Sometimes I do admire the fact that you think being quiet is better. When there's nothing nice to say better say nothing at all. I would have adopt that rationale if you are suffering from schizophrenia as I would be worry for my life if I crossed you. Because you don't talk, I don't know what is wrong with us, with you, with me and with everything. Because you don't talk...fact of the matter is, I don't know you. If there's nothing wrong with us, you, me and everything...I wonder what is right with us, you, me and everything.
Yes, we have talked. Because I decided that. I want to die trying. Kalau nak tunggu you, memang tak ada...begrudgingly I have to spell what I think is wrong...not because I am a fucking bitch, it is because I don't know what is right.It wasn't easy because I love you. Love made people do things and took them out of their comfort zone.
Yes, it turned out...to you, so many things was wrong. I sat there listening to your lists of my wrongdoing.
Yes, love turned people stupid too. I sat through it. Truth of the matter is, I was shock. I was sad. I was sad because knowing that I had tried my best, maybe not at level best, none of them stood out to you. It is just like I never did anything good.
So yes, I was and I am wrong. To you. My being is apparently your fate. If I tell people I am sure they will laugh...at me and you too. But what do people know about us eh?
Speaking about your ill gotten fate make me realised my fate too.
Yes, I have resigned to the fact that between us, I am good at maths and I remember all the important dates in advance so that I can calculate the best timing to send you cards, cakes etc on your birthdays and our anniversary. I have also accepted my fate that you have amnesia...the selective one that is, because the only dates that seems to get muddled up in your diary are those about me.
Also, I accepted my fate that you thinks others are better than me. Tak apa...maybe you don't want me to get drunk silly with all the compliments.
I think..ada kot few fate...but let me ask my sumber yang boleh dipercayai dulu ye?
Okay. In case you don't know, all your doings constitutes emotional abuse. (Mestilah I tau kan..kalau dah kerja Social Services dekat 11 tahun...tak reti2 gak, patutlah I berenti aje)
In case you don't notice, between us, I am the bigger person...err, hypothetically..because it has always been me who grovel for an apology when things goes wrong.. When I think back...I don't even know what I apologised for. Nak tunggu you? Negara 4 musim to you sama saja. You never say anything. If the weather is cold..you diam. Panas pun you diam..salji, hujan , daun luruh pun you diam. Boxing Day sale aje you bising nak keluar rumah (ehh..) Ohhh...thats another of my takdir.
What is next? This time around...I want to tell you what I want, for a change. Because all this time, dalam pada you tak bercakap tu, believe you and me, menggunakan kepakaran telepathy I, I cuba gak nak membahagiakan you. But still I got it wrong.
I want us to be a proper couple. Maybe its too much to ask you to love me head over heels. You never bother to nurture the love (ye lah..kalau dok I aje yang dok tersendeng2 bagi you hadiah, initiate macam2...boleh blah lah kalau you nak amik credit kan?)
Most married couple I know don't love each other madly. To last that long they tolerated each other and learn to live with one another. There maybe small amount of love...but hey, I can live with small amount dari takde langsung. At this stage, small love would be suffice. Trust and respect is more important.
You have given me the lists of what I done wrong. Now its my turn. It is not your wrong that I want to dwell on. Buang masa.What good would it do to you, methinks, if I keep harping on your bad value?
After all the episodes of pocong kesetanan...there are still things that I love about you and for that I remain, optimistic. You may be too proud to realise that I do, dotes on your quality traits. I even wrote about them. Too bad, I was never good enough to be your bff. You have never given me a chance for that.
As easy as the the say, patah tumbuh hilang berganti...although kedai2 alat gantian ada dimana-mana especially kat Bandar Puchong Jaya, all married couple must remain optimistic with their choice. Kalau tak banyak pun sikit. Siapa yang taknak till death do us part, kan? I am sure Ogy and Eman, or current laki Pasah Sandak did the same promise in the beginning. But we are not them.
I have list too. But it is nothing you can't handle...only if us that you want still.
Let's be a proper couple. I think we both know what 'proper' means. At our age I hope I don't have to spell it to you. There are so many things we can do with our lives and we need to have a happy based.
However if you still think that my demand err, reword...request is ludicrous, I really have nothing else to say to you.
Pecah kaca pecah gelas....sudah baca, harap balas.
Sent from my iPad