About Me

Friday, October 26, 2012

Marriage Counselling

Kiah once asked me...why am I against marriage counselling? Elehhh...macam lah aku tatau yg ko tu nak digress dari tajuk utama kan? Ratu Procrastinate betul.

No. I don't. I am not against any type of counselling. Doing what I do, I think I am in a better position to suggest that sometimes we should do it, when need be.

However, I also see the downside of it if people just seek counselling for the sake of it. And those known to do it for the sake of it is ...jeng...jeng..jeng....a couple. Married or not.

People often got a wrong idea for this. Yes, counselling is not a free service. Dengan kengkawan pun berbayar juga. Tak bayar dgn duit, bayar dgn budi. Unless kalau kita ni bangsa nak orang aje tolong kita tapi membalas budi tak reti. Sounds familiar? Dok mintak tolong orang...buat tu buat ni, tapi bila kawan tu mintak tolong dgn you sekali, you buat babi aje. Syaitonnnn naharrom sangat kan? Biasalah blog I..episode menyindir perlu enterframe sekali sekala. But knowing this type of people, tak kan ada nya yg makan cili. So, menyindir diangin lalu aje lah kan aku?

What I really want to say is people expect wonders when they seek counselling. Kalau jumpa counsellor masa tgh stress, kita expect lepas 40 minutes tu kita free as a bird. Bila kita tambah stress, kita katalah counsellor to bodoh.

Lagi satu I nak pesan, kalau kita ni set tak hapik cakap orang and will do exactly as we want, jangan lah buang masa si counsellor tu. Yang set set ni adalah jenis selfish tahap jahanam. You selalunya nak offload rasa bersalah you by confiding to people about your problem. Si pendengar akan simpati dan bagi you nasihat...tak bagi nasihat pun, the pendengar will at least make it clearer what risks and the trouble you might get yourself into. You hear. You hear. But your heart as you know it will overrule every rational thing. You don't even care who will get hurt, you included.

A friend of mine have finally decided that enough is enough and the era of a doormat should end. The thing is, the other half haven't got a clue that he has treated the wife like one and in fact he is the one feeling hard done by.

You always think that a marriage i.e. living with someone else will make you the expert on how to deal with the opposite. Tak ada nya. More than often...you ended up don't even know how to talk to one and another anymore. I don't get that. Talk is talk, what is there to be difficult about? People always mistaken their anxiety for the feeling weird. Contoh...kita rasa dia perangai pelik tapi kita yang sebenarnya penakut. Takut benda2 buruk yang kita dok suspect tu bakal menjadi nyata. Fearing the worst and we blamed it to the impossibility of open communication. Like, your partner of 5 years suddenly appears aliens to you in many, many ways. You think by hinting, cakap sekali dua or even expecting them to understand your body language is a good way to communicate. By body language I mean..moncong muka and hentak kaki. Eleh...and then expect him/her to know what is the root of your displeasure.

Whatever bad behaviour we think we don't have but others do, we have them too. We just don't realise it maybe. We can say that our partner got selective hearing defect and only hear what he/she wanted to hear. Kita pun macam tu juga. Unless it is a compliment, nobody likes to hear bad thing about themselves. Bad wife, weak husband, gutless boyfriend, overbearing girlfriend...you like? No, don't think so.

But what we like to do is doing cut and shut. Yes, there is problem..gaduh sikit pastu kalau tak okay pun kena okay jugak. We never really explore the depth of the problem.

So yes, shit hits the fan. For you at least. Because you have had enough. Things that you hide and keep and blows up on your face. You think that the best time to talk is when the shit is all over. Then you get so surprise of why the wronged one got overly defensive.

I must tell you...we like to condemn budak2 bila bergaduh is macam 'budak budak'. But if you see it through, they will gaduh until things get sorted. But orang tua yang kononnya mengaku matured, kalau berbalah tu, konon nya malas nak bising2...simpanlah jarum emas didalam hati. Siapa yang tak matured sebenarnya?

Yes, when shit hit the fan...one is bound to get apprehensive especially when the realisation of losing things that matters to them start kicking in. But still one can find no wrong in themselves.

So they think counselling might help. Yes. Might. Remember the word 'might' ye. This are the couple who refuse to 'talk' to one another about their burning problems and yet think counselling will help.

Being in many,many counselling session myself...let me tell you there are people who use it as a scapegoat. The goat themselves. Sometimes you can't even blame them. Because they don't know what could they have done wrong.

We think our partner refuses to listen or unwilling to change for the better to make the relationship works. The problem with us sometimes is...we don't even know how or what we want them to change into. If we say better, they might say...nak better macam mana lagi? We want a partner who can understand us, sensitive about what is hurting us...but we actually never tell them how to handle us. In case we have, we don't do a good job of reminding him and our 'convenient' lapse in consistency in maintaining what used to be 'better'.

People forget. People get complacent. People can be stupid. We also forget. We also get complacent and we are also stupid.

Counselling can also open another can of worms. Unless you are really ready, don't tempt it. People have rights to know what they have done wrong. Although is very likely they don't like to admit it, it is still the thing we think that they have done it wrong. In that case, you need a neutral person to make it clearer to you and them. Hence the counselling. People need to be prepared to admit defeat. So do you.

Selamat maju jaya.

Sent from my iPad

1 comment:

Makcik Kerabu said...

hii mak ji..life good? adil n saksama?
alallalalla rindu plak ngan makji nih.