About Me

Sunday, October 08, 2006

The Two Men Named Sam...Semi Final Bits

Teringin nak jadik kejam macam dia ni...

Ish..ish..ish..thanks la uolsss...for the comments and most importantly, the empathy. Call me stupid but until today I haven't even managed to hate him the way I should.I may agree with the fact that he is boneless,coward and what nought, but he have never meant to lie to me deliberately.He is just one confused bastard and possibly that confusion, quarter bit of it is owing to yours truly laa..(sumpah..I bukan backing dia)

If I can ever understand a man, Shamsul is so peramah for his own good. He is the bestest friend you could ever imagine having.I am acknowledging this because I was his friend. His real emotion is shielded by his peramahness.I was his only female friends that have access to his family members because in some ways, I was his special one. The 8 years long friendship and relationship meant a world to him but he have not once professed his love for me.That was just his way.He talked a lot but he don't do emotional things.So was I. I never said I love him. We just knew that we telepathically needed and sayang each other like mad.And in the end, the stupid theory of us showing love towards each other proved to be so pathetic.

He is just a stereotypical man who thinks that once you captured a bird,it is yours forever.As long as the bird don't complaint and making fussing noise, there's no need for you to nurture your relationship with the bird because understandbly,the bird is yours and because the bird is yours,there's a little need to exhibit or display how you feel for them.Because you thought they knew.

I was that unlucky bird.Shamsul is ever so caring (tapi kadang-kadang menyakitkan hati jugak) He would flirt with girls and condemn them like he is the perfect prophet but I was the one he kept under wrap and cherish.

We never have the lovey dovey type relationship.I was shy and he is so practical.That was the mistake.It left us very insecure about each other.

I can only imagine that his wife provides him with the bunga api.Glitter all night long kind of relationship.Not to ignore the fact that it was an express one.And like a normal young blood man, he was completely taken.

Shamsul never mengutuk his wife with me. I met her (because dia yang cari I) and I knew what Shamsul was missing. A friend who listen and tolerate him.Shamsul always have this terms about what he wants and how he want them to be. That is like a part of him that I never think it's fair to ask him to even reconsider changing his ways. It is like you keluar dgn guys yang kuat merokok and you hated perokok, is it fair to ask them to berhenti merokok just because you tak suka orang merokok?

I never fussed about who he is friends with, baik lelaki or perempuan. I never complaint about him missing his dates with me pasal dia gila nak tengok bola.I can only suspect wife ada serious issue with his attitude.Pasal tu tak ngam and masa tu lah dia terkenang kat aku yang baik hati ni.Padan muka kau!!!

He never condone his mistakes.He apologised and he also said that sometimes he doesn't know where he stands with me because I too, never show my emotion.Padanlah muka aku pulak.But, we work on that issues and that's why we started dating again.

The most important thing in Shamsul's life is to know what people think of him.He is so vain, you.. He already embarked on a marriage life that involves 2 families together.He can't rest with the thought of people and the family will mengata him tinggalkan his wife because of another woman.Shamsul never bother to stand up for himself.It is so important for him to look good.And that is why, he can never bring himself to divorce his wife.

You see, I understand him too well to make excuses for him.I pity him trapped in a loveless marriage but I really hope that he will find it somewhere in his heart to love his wife the way he should, because it is not fair.

Shamsul's wife was never pregnant.We have a same circle of friends and she admitted using the excuse to retain her husband.After a year or so, they divorced.I was already in Melbourne working. I couldn't face seeing Shamsul around and I decided to move to Australia.

I spoke to him last in 2000. How he get hold of my number, tuhan sajalah yang tahu. I refused to meet up. I told him I knew what happened.Our last conversation was

Shamsul - I keep hurting you again and again...I don't even know how to apologise.I don't want to ask you to come back to me, because I know I don't deserve you.But, will you forgive me and be my friend, again?

Me - I can't.

Shamsul - Why? I care about you...

Me - I know. I can't be your friend because I love you so very much and it hurts. And because of that, I can't be your friend anymore

I know that I will risk going back to him again if I hang around. I asked my employer if I can have a transfer to UK because I dah tak nak lagi duduk KL.I left KL for UK in 2000 and I only went back last year. I severe all ties with him and I even tak contact my friends yang kenal dia. In fact, I dah tak contact-contact pun kengkawan MARA I. Betapa I dah tak nak ingat dia lagi.I need to get him out of my system.I have been trying for the last 6 years.Did I succeed? What do you think?


lekiu said...

It doesn't seem that U have forgotten him completely. I have no idea what kind of a rship u had. Obviously, by the way U write about him, U must still retain little tiny bits of feeling towards him. You have thus far evaded him sebab takut (?) u balik semula dengan dia (maybe ?). Have to start closing the chapted with this man.

Anonymous said...

Lekiu is right... the way you told us the story..there's something within you still hurts if not a lot, a bit!

He's obviously the "silent" love of yours but in the end it's the best thing to hijrah daripada segala keadaan yg kusut masai ittew. That's what i did and I have never looked back since too!

It's good for you to severe ties with him because it's for everybody's sake too - your sanity, his family and everybody's family. Can you imagine if you were to be the talk of the town being the mistress??? Glad you're not!! :)

You are a strong minded gal.. be that way and everybody will respect you for that :)

Also independent and strong will... respect!!! You go gurl!

:: samasam :: said...

"why we love the most people we hate most?" ..

=) ..

heavenvshell said...

mek nangis nih....

Peragawati said...

Hannnnnnnnnnn........bestnyer citer u nie...akak sukerrrrrrrrr **hugs**