Best Blog?

Mutalib (tak tau lah if this is his nama sebenar) has likened my blog to RPK.In term of popularity, if I understand him correctly.

If I also remember correctly, he is the same person who persistently torturing me, when I had that accident with Baby Sam.Ahh..cerita sudah lama.Sam turned 2 yesterday.He was singing happy birthday to himself non-stop when I saw him.To my delight, he has successfully managed to pronounced my name correctly.Ah...really amazing anak yahudi yang comel tu.

RPK.I read his blog sometimes.I am not his biggest fan, infact, I don't think I like him at all.I really have instant disliking to NATO type of people.But NATO type of person seems to gather massive follower.Biasalah...kan ke manusia ni gemar menda-menda superlative ni. No Action,Talk Only.I met him in person some long yeas ago at a wedding in Istana Perlis,KL.My best friend was married to his cousin.He is what he is in writing.Quite brass to my liking.

He is now in jail, if I'm not mistaken.Awaiting trial or for whatever reason.He wrote something quite provocative.He must have a good resource for that.

Nevertheless, Malaysian needs someone like him.Someone who can really stand out to point and verbalise all wrongdoings.But I think, Malaysia needs some action.Berating non-stop dalam blog takdelah gunanya.It is quite unfortunate that Malaysian Government practise 'selective freedom of speech'.They let Khairy Jamaluddin lambasting all the oppostion right up centre but people like RPK, get his point and frustration across through his blog.

We are indeed quite similar in objectives.Expressing ketidakpuasan hati.Berkoyan-koyan and sampai sakit tangan I menaip.Marah dengan orang tu, marah dengan orang ni.I labelled my blog as a cheap humour yet another container to offload my stress.I have a very stressful job and I am constantly not happy.

I don't take pleasure mengumpat dalam blog.I still live within the society yang masih lagi 'kena cakap berpada-pada'.Because of certain behaviour restrictions in my real life, maka this page is dedicated to people yang tak dapat ku maki direct to the his/her face.That will ultimately made me talam 2 muka.Lantak lah...mangkuk bertingkat pun tak pe.

RPK is way above my league.He has great insight and passion.I just don't share his interest and I think,I don't like to be asociated with his musings.RPK is like many other disgruntled anti goverment supporters.He called names and derogate them.Just because they have different views.

It is like, ppl hates Tun M, and called him Mahazalim.I still can't understand why, but there's really no need for name calling.Lainlah I yang sah sah jahat ni.

If you want to enjoy cheap humour, read on. This is certainly not the best blog after RPK. I think the BEST is the one that is link to mine.That worth reading daily.

Sekian for today.

Sekian.

Tuesday Thoughts

Kalau tak silap I, last week when I was at Weymouth, terbongkar lah kisah si Tua bangka from Austria tak sedar diri kubur kata mari rumah kata pergi kambing gurun bangsat..eh, cukup-cukup lah.Kang tak habis pulak posting ni dok nak menyumpah aje kan? Alaa..you know, that story about 73 yr old father who kidnapped his own daughter, forced her down into the cellar, persistently raped and abused her leading to the birth of her 7 children, dah mati sorang tapi dah kena buang masuk incinerator for the last 24 years.

For the life of me, I can't even begin to comprehend how it happened.Kalau boleh imagine pun tak nak.Begitu kijam nya.

Sekarang ni Si Tua tu pandai pulak nak kata yang kepala nya tak centre itulah yang menyebabkan dia jadik begitu (committing all these offences). Sakit betul hati I mendengar nya. Jantan memang macam tu lah kan...bila dah menyetan tu, mula la kata kepala ada sikit biol la, tak centre la...likened it to his manhood yang centrally positioned tu, macam lah takde excuse lain kan?

In my work, without given a choice, I have to work with a convicted paedophile yang kalau boleh jangan kata muka nya, yang itu-itu pun rasa nak ku potong masuk food processor.But my hatred for them will not beat my disgust to the puaka who melantak darah daging sendiri.Mana perginya perasaan kau pundek oi??!!!! (Hish..ni emosi gila babi ni...)

I think in Malaysia some years ago, adalah satu generation Datuk,Bapak and Abang dok merogol cucu,anak and adik kandung.Kalau lah si 3 beranak ni masih lagi tak kena gantung, patutlah justice system in Malaysia tu dilontar dengan telur busuk aje.

I have plenty of clients who was abused and raped by their own father, brother, uncle or apa aje segala sedara mara jantan they all.The effect on them as a person sungguhlah menyedihkan and I really salute those who emotionally has risen above it, sebab nya, susah sungguh nak move on apabila digasak oleh the love and the dependable one.

Rape is always about taking control for someone who unable to perform so emotionally.That seems always is the case.The predator always know the effect this may have on their victim and that bring ultimate satisfaction.

Boleh kata 9 out 10 jantan tak centre kata kat I dalam session-session teraphy they all, yang the best way to show frustration to woman is by raping or killing them.Ni yang tak centre, yang separa tak centre pulak akan membuli dan menyeksa bini or girlfren memasing cukup-cukup.Kalau boleh, 20 jam sehari tu perlu dihabiskan untuk stalking pompuan-pompuan lemah ni.Jantan, tak dapat control directly, remotely pun jadik.Puaka sungguh.

The children affected by the abuse is very much a damaged goods.Their mother was raped by the man they thought were the father but is actually the grandfather, in front of them.She was shunned away for 24 years, made to give birth alone 7 times and now, facing the world carrying her father's sin.How is she going to cope emotionally, tuhan aje lah yang tahu.

When I was working with the one of International Carrier, one of the office girl was raped by her father.Obviously, she was the topic of the relatives hot gossips.She moved away, father was sent to jail.She told me that her mother blamed her for her father's inprisonment.Already disheartened by the where the loyalty lies, she build herself slowly away from them.I can only imagine that being a victim of a sexual crime is not easy.It can scar you for life.Being done by the supposed protector is the hardest truth to swallow.This girl developed hideous attitude and wasn't well liked by the people at work.

If I know what I knew now, I would have different attitude towards her and maybe, I would try harder to be her friend rather than sympathising unconsciously of her tragedy.Because of how we were, she may never recover from that ordeal.

People always say that you can run, but you can't hide.But I think the truth is, you must hide your pain and keep on running from it.

If this make sense.

Well Deserved Break

Yes you all...Makji telah kembali.

Sepanjang masa Makji diperantauan (eleh..takdelah jauh..2 hours flight aje) masa-masa terluang telah dihabiskan dengan tiduran, memanjat bukit bukau, mengukur pekan,menjamu mata and mulut.

When I arrived Catania Airport yang sungguh tak glams ittew...eh, let me tell you this ye..sebagai rakyat Malaysia, bersyukurlah kehadrat Ilahi kerna chantek nya KLIA itu berbanding dengan airport-airport kat Europe yang kebanyakannya dah seasoned ini. Dah lah airport tak chantek, pegawai-pegawai Immigration nya, harapkan lawa...tapi budi pekerti non-ado gittew.I spent almost an hour in custody. Macam lah aku bawak drugs ke menda. Kunun nya procedure...habis segala tulisan dalam passport ku dipersoal kan...apsal nama dalam passport lain, apsal nama kat driving licence lain...apasal ini, apasal ittew...malah, berapa duit ku bawak ,nak ditanya nya jugak.Pulak tu, siap mintak nak check tengok. Purse ku yang mungil tu pun habis dibelek-belek nya you all...

When all is clear, mulutku yang mungil ini dengan takde insurance nya tanya, is that all really necessary? Normal procedure, Madam. Is it because I'm a Muslim? No Madam..normal procedure. Hah..lantak kau lah...apa-apa pun, nasib baik sandwich chicken salad ku tak dirampas nya.

Kesianlah si Tua ittew (On yes, I travelled with F, kan ke longstanding honeymoon ni?) menunggu kat baggage area. I dengan senyum dalam tangisan nya (takde lah nangis..drama aje) cakaplah...if same thing happen in Stansted when we get back, can you give the Officer the dirty look for me?

Sesampainya di hotel, I terus melompat atas katil untuk menyambung tidur yang tak cukup.The hotel where we stayed ada Indian Restaurant.We decided to have our dinner there and sekali lagi, mulut ku yang extra peramah ni, after dinner, terus tanya kat the Restaurant Manager, are your chef really Indian?

Bukan apa you all, I ordered Chicken Vindaloo...nama aje Chicken Vindaloo, tapi rasanya macam Chicken Bolognese aje.Not only the Vindaloo tasted un-Indian, the Tarka Dhall rasa macam air mata and the Briyani rasa macam Celaka!!! Honestly, I am not fussy about food at all...apa orang bagi, I makan.Tak cukup garam ke, kurang apa-apa perasa ke,asalkan boleh makan, I makan saja.But the food is a total abyssmal dengan tah hapa rasa membuatkan diriku ni tanpa segan silu menanya soklan kat Manager tu.Ghopa-ghopa nya, Chef nya orang Nepal.But Nepal-Nepal pun, ni bangsa tak reti masak, nak masak ni.Ciss...habis 25 Euro ku berterbangan tanpa haluan. F dah warning I, jangan komplen kuat sangat...bagilah compassion katanya...eh, baik lah pulak? But I am passed the mood to be nice.

Seperti yang dijangkakan, bulan madu selama seminggu itu juga sangat meriah dengan adegan-adegan pergaduhan nak bercerai berai!!! Boleh? Orang lain, pergi bulan madu kat Bali terus mengandung, I pulak, jangan kata nak mengandung....nak berbunuh lagi ada.But, we both tried very hard to be civil, so selepas puas 'Fuck off, go to hell, you bastard, drop dead' and bermacam-macam lagi kata nista, we all ada jugak berbaik-baik and ber romantik-romantikan and bergaduh balik, baik balik...cam tu ajer lah cycle nya.

While F is quite happy to menghitamkan kulit macam omputih-omputih yang lain....ish..tak paham nya.Apalah kejadahnya nak menyakitkan diri? I ni, kalaulah boleh berpayung, harus aku ber Siti Tanjung Perak bawak payung kulu-kilir, but tak nak lah pulak dikata weird oleh orang sekeliling.I ni, selagi ada tempat redup, selagi tu lah I berlindung.

I often wonder, kat UK ni, the risk of the omputih dapat skin cancer is so high, dek suka berjemur..tapi they all masih jugak suka berjemur.Suka benar nak membunuh diri kan? Tak dapat bunuh diri immediately, they decided to do the slow death type of suicide.I sempat lagi warning F, you janganlah nak berjemur sampai hitam legam, nanti you dah tak putih, harus I cari orang lain...boleh tak aku ugut camtu? Very the immature kan?

I ate a lot of Pizza and Fish. Nak paparazzi banyak-banyak, kang dikata gatal pulak oleh si tua tu.Jantan-jantan sungguhlah hensem membuatkan diriku yang pemalu ni rasa nak merogol aje diorang tu...tapi aku kan wanita melayu Islam lagi solehah....(diiringi batuk kokol)

But, I had fun.I even went on a ferry trip to Malta for the day.Dalam gumbira-gumbira, dihati kecil I teringat kat MB.Maklumlah kalau kemana kan selalu kitak duak aja? Tu lah kan...sebagus-bagus berjalan dengan kekasih hati, tak sama dengan keseronokan berpoya an dengan kawan karib lagi sporting and tak kisah if you nak bergolek gelantang pun.

Till then...see you in my next post.

Quickie

Kawan-kawan yang dicingtahi...............

Atas arahan diri sendiri, I will be away from the 5th to the 11th May 2008, atas urusan Kerajaan Pusat supaya berpoya-poya dengan duit sendiri di Kepulauan Sicily, Italy.

By the time this notice is published, I am probably already back in London that is as you already know from Ratu Musim Panas kita, is hot and bothered.Ish..tak kuasa taw panas-panas ni..(matilah Melayu tak sedar diri...)

I will endeavour to update this blog as soon as I can...mana yang ternanti-nanti, maafkan diri ku lah ye. (Perasaang kan...?)

Seperti biasa, I yang gila glamour ni akan senantiasa cuba sedaya upaya nak memuaskan nafsu rakus peminatku ini...and tak akan sekali-kali lari dari peminat macam Bini Frenchman ittew....(siapa kah ittew ye?)

Tadaa............

Worst Nightmare

Kan ke betul sangkaan kiewww....

Wilderness Camp kat Weymouth tu takde mobile phone signal and wireless connection....macam mana I nak bertenet ni? Cilakak lu Boss!!!!

Yang ada hanyalah itik,burung gagak and tupai....berserta ramainya tourist yang berpakaian separa-separa...maklumlah England dah ada matahari sikit....semuanya bantai sunbathing. Tak kuasa lah aku nak berjemur...puas betul nak putihkan kulit, alih-alih nak kasik hitam balik.Sah lah takde kerja.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh......bertambahlah stresss.

I have to make a short trip back to London this Thursday...nak gi ngundi Brian Paddick.

Gigihkan....kalah British Citizen yang dok kat Cambridge ittew.....

Notis Umum

Over the next 2 weeks, I will be travelling to Weymouth (South of England) untuk mengerjakan tanaman gandum yang dusahakan oleh my opis.Macam lahanat je bunyi ye kan? Nope...I'll be having a Crisis Resoloution Assignment for a week dengan patient-patient substance misuse. (Silap-silap, I might end up hisap dadah ni)

I am now feeling physically tired from all the travelling...travel dalam London, travel luar London...berbatu-batu jauhnya.Badan pun makin debab lah gamaknya dok makan fast food aje kan?

I'm still having massive problem at work...yang tak dapak ku gambarkan dengan kata-kata.

Balik je dari Weymouth, dengan tak sempat kentut and berak, I will be flying to Isle of Sicily...(sila jeles Hjh Leemah...bukan uols aje yang jetset yea...harus tak nak kalah) for my delayed honeymoon (tetapi yang betul nya, make or break trip ni)

So, if you don't hear from me (ni tak termasuk 2,3 menjak dah malas nak update blog) makna nya, seperti pelem star antarabangsa, I will be adding my carbon foot print and of course, my airmiles. This will be my out of England trip for now, sebelum Makji balik KL. Tapi, kalau Bini Mokhtar dah duduk France and jemput I makan nasik kerabu, insya allah, tunggulah ketibaan ku dengan EuroStar nah??? (eh..tiba-tiba aje...muka tak malu kan?)

Janji manis Boss ialah my accomodation kat Weymouth tu ada Wifi connection...so, dapek lah eden baca blog kengkawan dikala sunyi dah stress...but, it is very likely that Boss sebelum I travel cakap macam-macam, nak entice I gila-gila, pahtu bila aku dah sampai sinun...tempatnya tersangatlah ceruk macam Gua Niah. Jangan kata wireless...mobile phone pun takde signal.

If this is the case...siap kau Boss!!!!

Taraaaa....

Entry Menyampah Gila

Still can't rest from being morally violated yesterday by JT...I decided to call him.Well, I did promised though.I so want to ask why dia masih lagi berani telepon I, lepas ku maki hamun dia that day.I have already made the nastiest remark (in my standard)...like, I rela melayan anjing kat dalam opis I...kalau you dengar, tak ke rasa nak bunuh diri?

Make you wonder what sort of pathology men has.

Was I stupid? Udah udah lah kan patutnya? Orang kata...don't ever try to upset a man more that you already have, buruk padahnya.Tengok lah apa dah terjadi kat Altantuya itu...or that girl that was murdered by her policeman boifren pastu kena lipat masuk kotak TV.

But what can JT do? Selain dari mengata his soon-to-be ex wife that he thought bleeding him dry, apalah kekuatan yang ada selain dari his body fat? For a man who berkira who gets to keep the pasu sarawak, I don't think he is wealthy enough to visit any available witch doctor.Lagipun, mana nak cari voodoo King/Queen kat UK ni?

I was merely annoyed.But then again, kalau setakat kena panggil BITCH, in my work, tu kira minimum lah tu, we got called lot worst than that.

So, K answered his mobile dengar saluran suara ceria anda nya...and I really need to get my mean message across.

'After what you said, I really didn't appreciate your call.Can you just stop please?'
Kenapa? You marah ke? (perlu ke nak tanya)

Yes I am. Since I can be civil, ni nak cakap baik-baik lah ni. You are so disrespectful, so I malas lah nak berkawan.Kita tak jumpa lagi pun tak apa.

(With his mengada voice) Ehh..tak baik tau..memutuskan silaturrahim...

I let him talk and talk.Benci punya pasal, I can't even remember what was said, but his tone of voice really annoying.After a while he realised I didn't respond.

You okay ke? Diam aje?

Are you really that stupid, K? I've said, I'm not interested.Shall I hang up now?

Ey..janganla....blablablablabla.....(really, tak kuasa aku nak melayan nya)

Okaylah..kalau you takde mood nak cakap dengan I hari ni...we talk later yeah?

I am so not going to answer witheld number anymore.

Or better still, my contract with Vodafone is up for renewal this June.I might end up switching to O2. Ahh.....masalah betul.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

a) Jantan Tembam
b) Kak Katak

Scene 1 - Take 1

Usually, I don't entertain calls from witheld number. Macam jahanam lah kan? Nak telepon orang tapi nombor block pulak.To me, they don't deserved to be picked up.But tadi, I got like 10 calls from a witheld number.Bila dah nak masuk 10 kali tu, hati pun terpikir, manalah tahu kot-kot my family ke telepon.So in the end, I pun jawablah..thinking that it is my sister ke (yang perasan glam tu...macam artist lah pulak nak block number)

Alangkah puakanya nasib bila suara Si Tembam tu bergema kat dalam corong mobile phone speaker ku!!!!!!

Because I lately ni busy mengalahkan Mayor London, it only occur to me after 5 minutes yang si lahabau ni that day panggil I bitch.I decided not to think about him or his stupid remark anymore.Banyaklah lagi benda penting dalam dunia ni.But he sounded cheerfully over the phone asking how I am.

This is so typical of man untuk mengcover kemaluan nya or he is just naturally bangang to realise that you cannot just barge into woman personal space once you upset them.Kurang-kurang misti sanggup jilat pasir dulu.We may easily to forgive but we sure don't forget easily. I doubt la dia ni hilang ingatan...because he tried calling me before and I ignored his calls.Now, he resorts to witholding his number so that I will answer.10 kali you...ni bukan mengalah ni, simply because I just worried that it may be an important phone call from adik beradik ke.Panas betul hati ku ini sebab terpedaya tawww!!!!!

Sebab aku dikelilingi rakan-rakan se opis, tak nak lah nak buat scene.I really feel violated letting him talk his way through...eheyy...you apa khabar? amboiii..busy nya, susah lah nak dapat cakap dengan you (tidak kah kau tau yang aku amat benci mendengar suaramu yang macam lembu tercekik ittew?)

Obviously, dek gelinya telinga I mendengar suara lemak babi nya tu, I excused myself as quickly as I can...'Can I call you back...I'm in a meeting?'.

I was really disturbed after that phone call and switched off my mobile completely.Nasib baik I ada office mobile phone.It is only now that I realised how JT managed to welcome himself into my space without a single apology, for upsetting me...for calling me BITCH!!! Sialannnnnn.....

Scene 2 - Take 2

It is only normal that we all mengalami hari-hari yang macam celaka.I bumped into Kak Katak on my way to the other place of work.I swear I didn't see her coming...and tetiba bahu ku ditepis dengan manja nya (cesss) 'Eh..apa khabar..lama tak jumpa'. Inadvertantly, aku telah merelakan diriku ini dipeluk cium oleh Kak Katak ittew. Tercabul betul rasa nya. Dia dah lupa ka betapa hatiku telah diguris luka? (Let's do that Sweet September suara sengau thingy..lalalalalalalala...) As I do not want to create a scene, I pun buat-buat excited jumpa dia walaupun hati rasa menyampah sungguh.We chat briefly but I was so desperate to get away.I did, after 5 minutes.Tu pun rasa lama taww...

They both at different ocassions, remarked how 'English' I have become...but,being a Melayu that they are, did it not occur to them that they need to apologise for hurting my feeling?

What do you expect eh, budak TKC kan?
And the jantan...deluded by his body fat.

Birthday Wish

Hari ini birthday orang ittew. Alaaa..orang yang I kejap suka, kejap tak suka, kejap rasa nak tembak,bunuh,tikam and buang masuk longkang and after a while, rasa suka balik. Well, too many cryptic remark kan?

Although si tua ni puas betul ku kutuk dalam blog ni tanpa rasa malu, I can't imagine being with another person.I don't have many special relationship in my life. We have been together for over 8 years now yet, in between perperangan, ada juga terselit saat-saat aman damai yang membahagiakan (yikss..rasa nak muntah nya!!!)

I have a very unconventional taste in partner. The person that I am, so self-centred, career driven, pathological worker and not forgetting panas baran yang diluar tabii, memang susah nak commit. We can go on not seeing each other for couple of days because I was busy working.

See, I am very close to my father. I think that he is one person that always make me feel worthy, special and strong. I guess, as a father, he realised my weakness and my strongest point.And he never stop to pull that point out from me.My father is always there to pick me up when I was down.

I find that exact quality in my partner now.Always, always made me feel special. Sadly, the similarity is, them both a not very likeable person.And because of that, the relationship is in constant complex. But, its true that you can't have all. As much as I want to be in loving and understanding relationship, I have now resigned to the fact that I just have to love the way my partner is. I don't want fancy holidays or anything corny most couple do. I'm afraid what I am looking for is more than that. The feeling of worthiness, special and strong is very important to me.It may not be as wonderful and pleasurable.These are the quality in F that I have to remember that I can't live without if ever aku rasa nak terajang dia.

Sebagai seorang isteri yang mithali...I pledge to try my very best to make this day special. I kemas rumah, I masak and I buat kopi. For once, I did not moan having to wash up pinggan mangkuk yang bertingkat-tingkat. (Celaka kan omputih ni, suka simpan pinggan sampai penuh sink)

Sebagai tanda kasih sayang (plus si tua ni boleh tahan jugaklah mata duitan nya) I have agree to pay for a new computer, supaya si tua ni boleh duduk diam-diam main game and let me watch Frasier and Friends tanpa gangguan.

Happy Birthday, Darling....(uwekkkkkk!!!!!)

Mulut Lain..Hati Lain...Otak Biol

Kak Katak sent me a text, asking if she can come over to my opis. I replied 'If this is about your coursework, can I suggest that you ring xxxxxx and she will assist you' and sekian terima kasih. Bunyi macam ganas kan? The sensitive part of me berkata 'Eh, tabbaik tau buat sombong like that' but when I troll back, and look at my words one by one, I quickly snapped, and defended my response.I mean exactly as I said it. Kalau nak datang opis pasal kerja, datanglah...tapi jumpalah my assistant. I doubt pulaklah dia nak datang opis I to meramahs mesra bagai, after kejadian tak mesra that day.

But my hati kecil mungil tetaplah terasa tak kena, don't know why but rasa macam Kak Katak at the end of her mobile phone, dapat message ganas tu terus nangis guling-guling. Kalau tak nangis pun, harus jam jam tu dia akan telepon all her kengkawan at Persatuan Semelayu London and terus mengata I. But bila pikir balik, mulut dia pun boleh tahan celuparnya that day and takdelah pulak terserlah any tanda-tanda keinsafan, bah kan dikatanya I yang berlagak. But then again, if betul la she took the time or trouble to mengata I, why should I feel uneasy about it? Yang I ni pun, mulut pun boleh lah tahan puaka nya.

Setelah di sound oleh my Boss si CPB itu, I tried to tread on things more carefully now, trying very hard not to let emotion overtake any of my decision.Tetapi, what is that pepatah that ends with 'berat lagi bahu yang memikul'? Macam tu la keadaan nya sekarang ni. Not only bahu I sakit dek memikul tah hapa-hapa beban kerja yang tak perlu, beban-beban emosi yang datang menenggek free atas bahu pun nak tak nak terpaksa dipikul sama.At time I feel that my bahu nak putus pun ada....

When you get to a stage where you have a bit of power and at the same time, boleh main kerah-kerah orang 'oii..kau buat tu, kau buat ni'...you can't help but to get involve in the office politics.While I really believe that politik Pak Lah and Co adalah sangat kotor, my office politik lagi kotorrrrrrr.Hoover lah 2,3 round pun.Although this does not involve smearing campaign besar-besar macam orang BN dan mengabiskan boreh and duit rakyat, our smearing campaign does involved secret phone calls (not to mention ngabiskan duit opis bayar bill telephone) between kaki-kaki gossip (macam I), si pesakit hati and si Boss Boss besar (yang juga berpangkat besar, bergaji besar tapi tidaklah mempunyai workload yang besar macam I ni)

Misi utama CPB sekarang ni ialah untuk melenyapkan si pemalas-pemalas dari opis. Kerja-kerja kotor ini telah diserahkan pada I semenjak 2 bulan lepas. Dan juga kerna kerja-kerja kotor inilah, kepala hotak, jantung and sistem pencernaan makanan I telah mengalami kerosakan teruk.

Sebagai pelanduk di tengah gajah-gajah yang mengamuk and mengawan, I like to think that my role is the mediator between CPB and DM (you can choose either demotivated,demoralised or demoted Manager) I have been working with DM closely for over 6 months now.All the way from her rise and fall. For DM to last this long in the organisation sungguhlah menakjubkan, considering yang dia ni lembab, malas and anything yang sewaktu dengannya.Since I was promoted to line manage her, I have sent numerous concern letter to her in regards to her conduct at work.I'm not talking one...I'm talking 6 in the space of 2 months. While manusia biasa like me, you and Kiah boleh nangis terjun gunung kalau dapat surat macam tu, si DM tetap memaintain kan keanggunan nya, persis tak kisah yang her job is actually on the line.

Mengikut kata politikus utama yakni CPB (sikit hari lagi..jatuh chenta I taww dgn CPB ni) DM might be playing us up, supaya kami-kami ni semakin membara dengan sikap McDonno nya and ultimately will proceed to dismissing her from her job.And DM in return, will then sue the company for unfair dismissal, citing racial discrimination.

I have come to a stage where I now hate her guts and can kill her myself if need to, tak yah tunggu main politik haram jadah, if they want rid of her, just upah aje lah sesapa hitman kat luar nun.But words remain words, and I am still the penakut that I am.

It is very hard to remain straightfaced when hati dah menyampah gila.But people around me said, don't get too emotional..remain professional.Senang lah cakap kan...

So, when this text message from Kak Katak, kalau lah di ikutkan hati, nak aje I balas...amboi boi..that day panggil I melayu sombong ye, dah tau I sombong, pi lah kawan dengan melayu Syed Nahar tu...cari I buat apa?

Tetapi, macam biasa, Makji Esah...hati lain, mulut pun lain.And atas nasihat kengkawan...supaya jangan tunjuk kat orang sangat yang kita ni easily affected, maka, dengan se professional yang mungkin...I jawab lah message dia tanpa ayat-ayat yang tak perlu.

Tapi, hati ni macam di garu-garu pulak nak menambah perisa kata-kata, supaya Kak Katak itu tahu yang budak MRSM seantero Malaysia tak kan tunduk dengan kebiadapan budak TKC. Eh..ni cerita lain dah ni...

Facebook Notifications

I received a friend request from a very unfamilar name on my Facebook. I am certain that he is not from my school,NCUK or SU for that matter. This was 3 days ago.

Today, came in a message from him. He has been reading my blog and now he wants to be my friend.He already has 203 friends in his list (apalah I kan? Tak minat tapi pergi check pulak profile orang tu) and some of the pompuan-pompuan in his list are all type-type supermodel yang survive on asams and kerepek pisang.Bangsa tak makan nasik punya.

For someone yang in real life tak ramai kawan, a request like this to me is like a job offer.But being the anti social that I am (so sial more like) I don't respond easily.I feel really bad that like him, I also did send out friend request to people that I only know virtually, and get accepted without any red tape or soklan-soklan puaka.And now, bila orang dah nak kawan, kita bebuat jual mahal pulak kan? Apa? Ingat diri tu glamer ke?

Having a lot of friends is overwhelming for me.I'm not sure if I know how to react. I don't know what to do with you.I'm not good at keeping in touch, I'm not a pen pusher and it has now become obvious to people that know me that I'm not good at contacting people either.

I really do believe in, don't know if this term is correct, jodoh. Kalau ada jodoh nak jadi kawan, kawan lah kan.Kalau tak ada, tak adalah.So to this guy, if your request of friendship is still pending and you maybe wonder why, ni lah pasal nya ye...

I really do appreciate you who bother to waste your time reading my rubbish thoughts, seriously rubbish!!! I need time to know myself, I need time to be friend with myself and I certainly need more time to make sense of myself before I can offer anything sensible to you.

I may not be the type of person you even want as a friend.You'll probably be next in the list to be assasinated in here, character wise.

Like you, I'm just a usual hujung kampung lady (dare not use the girl next door type) who happened to have a bit of luck in life by being accepted to sekolah glamer tepi sempadan tu, that UK preparatory college kat Section 6 tu and finally,that most prestigious uni in South Yorkshire (siapa lagi nak puji kalau tak diri sendiri kan?) and now, compared to my other school friends yang most of them dah jadik loyar and majistret and tak kurang juga yang dah jadi penternak anak yang berjaya disamping mengabiskan duit laki (better than any career I know) I have the most shitty job that drives me nut.

Nevertheless, I am extremely touched by the thoughts.

But for those yang masa kita sekolah dulu tak nak geng dengan I, nak berkenalan dengan yang cantik-cantik aje tapi sekarang nak menjejak kasih pulak dek I dah glamer (and you tu dah debab gamak nya), boleh jalan lah ye.I really don't have time for you.

Hati Melayu

I was in HQ today. Alaaa...kat Kingston aje, area-area Thames Riviera tu. Everytime I pergi Head Office, hati ni selalulah akan membuak-buak dengan perasaan cemburu yang teramat. Maklum la, Boss Boss besar punya opis chantek-chantek, ditepian sungai lagi...tapi opis I? Tikus pun tak nak bermastautin you...

I kena panggil mengadap Cik Puan Besar hari ni. My Boss la. Dah agak dah...Cik Puan Besar (CPB) hantar message to my mobile suruh I datang jumpa dia. Pastu masuk another message katanya 'you're not in trouble'. Manalah hati ni tak berdebub debab kan?

(Terdahulu dari itu, biarlah Makji berterus terang dengan you all, semalam, masa I tengah on duty, adalah sedikit scene menjawab cakap CPB yang boleh tahan lah jugak kurang ajar nya. Apa lah nak jadi dengan I ni, sekarang dah pandai melawan Boss lak tu, nak kena buang kerja sangat ke?)

Makji ni you all, bukan apa, masih lagi mengamalkan konsep, kalau hati boleh sabar, sabar lah.Kita ni dah le merantau tempat orang...amma ilek, appa ilek, laki? Lagiiii ilek!!! So, kalau dah solo-sailor tu, buatlah cara solo-sailor kan? Yesterday was Sunday. I was at work. Semasa segala macam manusia dalam England ni pergi berpoya-poya kat Cologne lah, kat Brighton lah..kat Weymouth lah...I bekerja dengan penuh tekun kat opis. Kenapa kau kerja hari Ahad, Esah oii? Masa nilah masa bagus nak focus kat paperwork, sebab takde orang kacau.

Tah macam mana, adalah wakil keluarga Paki-Taly yang celaka puaka ni membuat panggilan kecemasan. Kononnya.Padahal, takdelah cemas apanya but with this family, kucing tersedak bulu pun diklasifikasi as cemas gak. Too make thing worst, I am not their favourite person. Ye lah..aku kan bukan orang putih.So, beranilah mereka-mereka, ingat aku tak reti nak jawab. To begin with, si Puaka ni dah terjerit-jerit dalam telephone, dalam hati I, kalaulah I ni ada English accent persis gagak-gagak British yang boleh masuk Pidato Piala Perdana tu, mahu diorang ni tak berani nak bully I cam tu sekali. Betul ni you all, dengan colleague-colleague I yang speakang London tak berani family puaka ni nak berkurang-ajar dengan begitu sekali.

So, I let her talk. Between talk, she threatened.I can't get a word in. Not wanting to spoil my mood as I am still on duty, I cuma cakap, okaylah..kalau you nak komplen kat Boss, you komplen lah. That day pun you cakap nak komplen jugak. What else can I say? Tak kan aku nak nangis pulak kan?

My colleague reckoned that I'm too soft, but her brother is one of my patient. Giving in to longstanding friction will not help anyone. Orang gila akan tetap gila and yang tak berapa gila macam kita ni, what else can we say, selain dari membuat bodoh aje.

Really. Some people do live in their own world sometimes. The world that, by their own imagination and standard is perfect. Some just couldn't be happy no matter what.The need to extend the misery to others is so crucial and failure to do so will result in major psycho-catasthrophic. Family ni, mak gila, bapak dah lari...anak jantan sorang, pun gila jugak.So, the anak sulung,pompuan umur dah 41, hidup terpaksa menjadik jurucakap pada mak dia yang cakap orang putih pun tak berapa reti, tapi bongkak ya amat. I would be similar, if not worst, if I'm in that situation.

Keluarga si Puaka ni, agaknya sakit hati sebab tak dapat menyakitkan hati I, terus buat komplen kat CPB. CPB sent me email menyatakan rasa tak puas hati nya sebab I tak handle case ni betul-betul. And that, really telah menyirapkan darah ku.

See, bila orang gila tu buat kacau, maki hamun I, I boleh sabar. Tapi bila CPB tegur I sikit aje, I panas hati terus I jawab cakap nya. And kesudahnya, I yang kena panggil datang opis besar hari ni.

Actually, CPB panggil I pasal benda lain, tapi mulutku yang extra popcorn ni tanpa segan silu terus aje cakap, I am not happy now. Why are you upset with me? Krungg krang...krung..krang...

Tupp...I kena sound dengan Boss balik. Makji, I dah lupa dah benda tu, kenapa you dok simpan dalam hati lagi? Tak kan you tak tau macam mana I kerja? You dah kerja dengan I berapa lama dah Makji...You tak boleh buat macam ni Makji, you kena belajar get past this thing...we got to move on.

Isk..terasa melayu sangat I hari ni you all....(matilaaa melayu tak sedar diri)

Emotionally Affected Post

Begini lah....

In a space of 2 bulan (not sure if my maths is correct, maklum lah I takdelah pandai kira-kira macam Shilpa Lee kan?) I have managed to upset Kak Katak and mangsa terbaru, Si Badak. Am I sad? Am I emotionally affected? Yes/No/Not sure.

My ECG test indicated that I ada cardiomyopathy. Apa kejadah nya tu, tuhan aje yang tahu. I have been having palpitations lately ni. My GP said this condition is developed from a viral infection. Lagi I pening. I have a slective hearing defect. I hear things that I want to hear. So bila GP cakap macam tu,ni,tu,ni...what I heard and processed is what is written here.Do not ask me anymore than I know.If I understand what he explained correctly, I sekarang ni dah ada heart condition yang berkena-mengena dengan jangkitan virus.

The GP dengan tanpa rasa bersalahnya teruslah bagi ucapan-ucapan dasar....which is not helping at all. Make you wonder that they should be trained also in psychology or solution focused therapy. Some people macam aku ni, takut jumpa doctor, walaupun membesar dipersekitaran hospital.So giving me speech about my condition in a foreign terms or sungguhlah tak user friendly term, really didn't help.AT ALL.

So what I did was, macam pandai, I google my own condition for information and read it, understand it in my own terms.

So, inilah padahnya bila

a) Bila badan rasa nak demam and tekak rasa macam tertelan katak, my quick solution ialah beli Lemsip,Night Nurse,Beechem what have you.Makan every 4 hours until I rasa sihat sikit.Nak jumpa GP kat sini macam nak jumpa Agung, kena buat appointment.By the time GP is free to see you, kalau sakit teruk dah terus mati gamaknya.So, kalau boleh dapat remedy off counter, takyahlah nak buat appoinment.

b) Kerjaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aje. Tak gak kaya-kaya.

The bigger factor that probably the contributing factor is the stress that I acquired from having too many responsibilities.My own fault.

So, I was given a BETA BLOCKERS. To treat the symptom of high anxiety.40 mg a day.

I cried in my last two therapy sessions.

When I took over the project in Harlesden, the main problem over there is the employee. Believe me, I am so good at what I do...(eksyen kan?) but my weakness is people. Although I appear like I don't care, I am too emotional. If you come across someone who like tak kisah,couldn't be bothered about stuff or people, apa nak jadi, jadilah that kind of thing, be aware that this is all a front for not to be trapped in a emotional tangible, simply because they just cannot cope.

Last week in the opis, I called this lady 'Silly'. Memang dia betul bangang pun you all...tapi, tak patut lah aku cakap macam tu kan? To just said it direct to her in her face, 'Oh, this is silly. You're being silly'. Talking about cakap kenalah berpada-pada, knowing the Hitams can use it against you kat Employment Tribunal, citing racial discrimination kan? I'm glad that I verbalised my thought to her but on the other hand, I succumbed to her emotional provocation to me, making me said things that I said which can be prevented had I not get too involved dalam perperangan mulut dalam opis hari tu. I should have just said that her behaviour is unacceptable, and tak payahlah nak voice out how I feel about her (part kebodohan melampau ittew)

Bila I mengadu kat my other colleague, like any other batu api...si polan ni cakap...ahh, if I were you, I called her fucking cow. Lagi dassat kan?

Boss suruh I take it easy and don't be too hard on myself.

But, on 3 ocassions now, I can't hinder myself from getting too emosi. Kak katak dah kena, Si Nigeria (bukan Miss Nigeria yang baik ati tu ye) tu dah kena and now Si Badak tu dah kena.

I'm not saying that I menyesal ke hapa,but I could have just control the situation and rise above it. Nothing is personal, none of this is personal but being emotionally charged (as always) that I am, I'm making it way too personal for me that I feel the need to show them how it is affecting me.

Sungguh lah tak mature nya.

We always say this, that everytime we are having difficulties, we want to run. Nak lari kat mana ye? Flora marathon ke or Race For Life?

Bitch Talking...

I think all of us didn’t get called BITCH on regular basis. I certainly don’t. I may appear like one or sound like one, but I like to think that I don’t have any or that many attributes that can likened me to one.

But Jantan Tembam decided to call me that. That word came in text message format.For all I know that word can either be a silent BITCH, the bold or was just said for the sake of it.You know, ahh..bitch..ohhh bitch...bitchbitchbitchbitch. Like, takde makna githoo....

It was so unclever of him. I was too busy to notice and at the same time, he is not the type of friend I want for keeps.Really takde hasil.We bumped into each other where I can’t even recognise dek gedabak nya dia. We were not even close at school, he was mingling with the popular one and I was this very plain girl that even tikus makmal pun tak notice.

I was working at East Dorset a lot last week. In the office full of people who I think constantly watching me. Aku je lah manusia tak putih kat area tu. Let’s be positive about it, the orang putih is probably enjoying the view of my perma tanned skin. It must be quite a curious sight when someone brown tetiba boleh bagi arahan eh kau, pergi buat tu, eh kau, pergi buat ni kat si putih-putih ni.Country people are the nicer one.They’re very,very polite.Tapi, semuanya bangsa datang kerja bawak anjing. Dah le I ni takut kat anjing. Tapi dalam pada nak jaga hati si orang punya anjing tu, kugagahi jugaklah dengan senyuman-senyuman pahit perisa lemon kering. Anjing they all pulak yang bangsa nampak orang aje, terus dia pergi tergolek gelantang atas kaki you. With their owner depan mata, tak kan nak aku sepak pulak anjing tu kan? Makcik-Makcik t uterus cakap...stroke her love...say hello to her. So dalam hati yang berat-berat ni, I gosok-gosok jugak lah badan anjing tu. Harus kalau adalah paparazzi amik gambar tunjuk kat orang kampong I kat Paroi Jaya nun, macam anak Poziah Latip, mau mati sakit jantung omak abah den. Hallamakkk..anak aku...pogang anjing!!!!

Okehh...tujuan meng hapdate ari ni, tak lain tak bukan ialah untuk mengumpat si polan JT ni. Jantan kan, memang dianugerahkan dengan kulit extra tebal and bermuka tak malu? So, si Debab ni, persis hilang ingatan yang dia bebaru ni hantar message yang sungguh keji telah menalipon I. Ye you.....telephone I. JT called me and without hesitation, depan omputih-omputih ni I pun jawab lah call nya. I decided, okay.I am so going to cakap Melayu with him so that orang keliling tak leh paham and I think, I will do well in telling off people in bahasa, as well as in english.

I did not do my usual salutation. I let him talk.He went all friendly Owhhhh...hello dear, I really thought we are breaking up. You broke my heart for not calling me....(he is now probably wish that he didn’t said that)

I ni sibuk sekarang. I tak tau kenapa you sibuk-sibuk nak telepon I. You lain kali, tapis sikit bahasa you nak guna bila cakap dengan I. (He tried cutting in but...) Bagi I cakap, you nak sangat bercakap dengan I kan...sekarang you dengar.

Macam nil ah K, masa kat MRSM pun, kita bukannya kawan rapat sangat, I tak ingat pun kalau kita pernah bertegur. So, you ada ke, you tak de ke, tak jadi apa dalam hidup I. I senang lagi ada kalau you tak kawan I, bosan lag dengar cerita-cerita you. I lagi baik tengok Antique Roadshow.

I betul takde masa nak melayan you merengek-rengek ni, and sudah-sudah lah tu. Tak kan you tak perasan I takde nya nak bersungguh kawan dengan you. I jumpa you pun kalau I ada masa, kalau I boring. Kalau tu pun you tak paham, tak tau lah. Jangan nak demanding, you are not in a position to be demanding. Kalau you tu in demand tak pelah jugak. Takde pun I tengok pompuan kejar you?

So, sori lah yek. Okaylah...I nak kerja ni...I layan anjing buruk kat opis I pun lagi bagus. ( boley cakap macam tu?)

TUPPPPPP!!!!!!! Pose pose picit telepon. (nak hempas tak leh...insurance only cover accidental damage)

Super BITCH tak aku?

Genuine Victim

Note to self : I struggle like hell to have my web blog updated, jangan kata 2 hari sekali, seminggu sekali pun payah lately. Well, not as if aku banyak peminat kan?

Cerita-cerita sana,situ,sini,sinun yang kadang-kadang membuat aku rasa nak pitam membaca antara lain ialah

1. Pak Tidollah & his cronies kata, TDM janganlah dok himpit/critisise dia lagi.
2. Pak Tidollah dengan confident nya kata, Tengku Razaleigh misti cermin diri dia sendiri dulu...
3. That engineer has now cleared completely from Noritta's case
4. Malaysian mission to safe 'Shilpa Lee'

I really malas nak komen apa Pak Tidollah cakap and safest bet is to pretend that I never read or heard what been said by him.Really memalukan.He is treading on thin ice anyway, baik tidur full time aje, tak yah lah susah-susah Pakcik oii...

I went to same school with Haniff Basree's younger sister. Although the ordeal is now over, I'm sure building back trust is sorely difficult. When I was in KL, I was agonising whether I should call her to meet up, takut nanti katanya aku nak korek rahsia,walaupun hati macam kena garu nak tahu jugak cerita as Noritta's murder case has always been unclear to me, and I only start reading it 5 months too late, so siapa,kenapa and apa-apa yang berlaku semuanya tak clear. MB is friends with Berita Harian 2nd big boss and his account is more dahsyat, but now that there is no convicted killer, only the poor deceased know what happened.Biarlah...

Shilpa Lee? While segala macam orang kat KL nun dok bersakan nak buat action plan nak menyelamatkan si budak ni, she is happy posing provocatively in the NOTW, takde pun tanda-tanda yang dia ni perlu diselamatkan.

Do we not have more important matters back home? She made her choice, she achieved her aim to detest her father, to proof a point however ridiculous it may sound (boley, nak sakit kan hati bapak, deliberately jadik pelachorr?)

Dalam macam ni pun, Malaysian masih lagi nak claim to fame kan? Sufiah is not even Malaysian not that I ever heard she acknowledge it anywhere.

The one that need saving now is me. At this time of the night, aku masih lagi kat office.I am surrounded with segala macam predator, and yes...desperately need saving from.

The perfect saviour must have money yang berkoyan-koyan, so that I can call my Boss and resign serta merta..eh..kesian pulak kat dia, okaylah..I'll become a NHS volunteer.

The perfect saviour must let me watch TV, sleep all hours and keluar berpoya-poya dengan kengkawan tanpa batasan.Without question.

I have long wish list and by the time I finish tell you what it is, I am the world most deluded person.

But I am the genuine case, so..selamatkan lah saya.Selamatkan lah saya, Raja Nazrin oiii...

Sekian.

So Long Fat Ass...

JT telephoned me while I'm on my way to CPN meeting today.Because I was already in the Hospital building and sebelum aku kena tegur dengan segala macam security, I answered the call quickly promising that I'll call him back after the meeting.

Meeting overran and I only came out hours later and macam biasa, janji manismu nak telephone balik tidaklah dapat dikotakan. Not only tak mengotakan janji nak telepon, I had my mobile phone switched off until MB called my opis to remind me.

So, at 6pm...when the mobile phone is switched on...masuklah 3 text messages.

Love, I'm waiting for your call....daaaa. (irkkkkk)

Don't make me wait any longer. Please call, you promised.

BITCH!!!!

Hek elehhhhh......apa ke hal nya ni?

I was agonising for couple of hours whether or not I should reply his text messages or call him.Well, takdelah 3 jam pikir pasal tu kan...macam lah aku ni free. But in between tu pikir, si Debab ni agaknya kepala hotak dia diam kat kepala butuh kot...that he is so over himself, talking to me like that.

Just because aku layan minum kopi, terus badannya yang berat macam baja kompos tu macam terbang diawang-awangan.

I can write all the horrible things here, but you know...I'm not bothered.

Enough is enough.

Entry Tak Perlu

I was struggling with this post. Mana taknya...dah 3 minggu kerja tak berhenti-henti.But I came back from work feeling so angry today.

The company ada satu unit for Substance Misuse kat NW London nun...area orang tak nak pergi tu.Area ni bolehlah disamakan dengan kilang kicap or botol kicap, dimana kehidupan dipenuhi kegelapan dan takde langsung cahaya-cahaya keimanan or kebenaran.3 hari lepas, this American girl, training as a Behaviour Tutor with us, terus hantar surat mintak tukar ke area-area yang sedikit civilised.Katanya, she came from a different country and macam tak biasalah dengan culture kat Harlesden ni. Aku yang mendengar macam nak muntah.Bukan apa you all, kalau lah si Makcik ni datang dari Singapore ke, Taman Tun ke yang tak biasa dengan unsur-unsur keganasan melampau tu lainlah jugak kan? Ni tak...she came from USA yang pistol boleh dapat seposen 3, lagi nak kata tak biasa dengan rough area.Podahh lah hang!!!

Tapi sebagai supervisor yang prihatin, I tetaplah...kununnya memahami keadaannya.Tapi dalam pada nak jadi understanding, sempat juak lah kamek meng offer opinion yang boleh tahan jugak lah kurang ajar nya.Senang aje you nak pakai technique ni...what we call a reflection technique bagi mengajar orang-orang yang mega selfish for them to listen to themselves, so that they all boleh nampak betapa unreasonable mereka-mereka itu.

I have a colleage that was demoted recently. Because I was asked to take over, I made it very clear to this Makcik that I'm there to work and that's it.But sebagai manusia biasa, dalam pada kerja, ada jugaklah cubaan menyibuk, korek sana korek sini.Like how she is feeling at this moment, apa aje ketidakpuasan hati.Makcik ni punyalah kechiwa diturunkan pangkat although Boss has made it very clear why she was demoted atas-atas sebab non-compliance of segala macam management instruction and operational failure.Makcik ni kata Boss takde hati perut, Boss kejam lah, Boss racist lah..(classic taww..orang hitam kat sini asal kena tegur aje, terus tuduh orang racist, padahal perangai cam puaka)

So I pun tanya...apasal pulak you kata Boss kejam?

I was given the job. I made changes in my life to suit the job.

What changes?

My husband is now working night. I can't do shift work anymore. Boss is taking away my job from me, affecting my money.

But you do know that you are only an acting supervisor.Furthermore you're on probation...knowing very well that if you don't meet the standard, this will be taken away from you.

But I have made plan.

When Boss made you the offer, can you remember what position did she offered you?

ACTING supervisor.

Meaning, you're only acting with no guarantee that you're going to be made permanent. It is a tentative position, right?

Hmmmm

You're only offered the ACTING position.Nothing is for sure.

Setelah berpuluh kali menyebut ACTING tu, barulah muka dia macam kemalu-maluan sikit.Tapi sekejap aje...macam nilah kalau dah tak sedah diri.Reflection technique berkuasa V-Tech pun tak kan jalan.But enough to give you (the reflector) the naughty sensation i.e. dapat menyakitkan hati orang.

So berbaliklah pada pompuan America tadi. Everytime dia merengek-rengek cam budak kecik, terus ku bagi satu das, dalam baik-baik pun.

I repeated what she said one by one.

You feel intimidated when out in the community when the patient, how others look at you and how the patient behave.Read; mental incapacity patient ye.Bukan patient luka kat lutut. Samalah macam Childminder gi komplen kat parents, I tak leh nak jaga anak you lagi..sebab hari ni tadi dia berak dalam seluar.Dei...ada akal tak? Budak kecik memanglah kencing/berak dalam seluar kan...tak nak nak tunggu mak bapak balik baru basuh.Kau yang tukang jaga, kau lah yang basuh...bodoh!!!

You feel that the people in the area is not right and that you want to be transferred to Richmond/Twickenham area and offer a remote service to the patient.So, basically, you are working with the patient but you want everything to suits you rather than them? Is like cakap dengan Boss, I nak jadi Manager, tapi boleh tak I datang kerja pukul 10, pastu balik kul 3 and bila kat office, dok masuk Facebook sokmo? Gila ke tak gila tu?

Duiiii....orang macam ni pun ada.

Something Is Wrong With Me...Chemically

Really. I can feel it in my bone.Experts say you must not sell yourself short, but ideally, would we rather have others notice the irregularities before we did?

When I call someone in my office, I usually fire away the list of standard questions and in between addlib (betul ke ngeja nya ni?) soklan-soklan tersendiri, depending how nosy and inquisitive my mood is for the day.After I finished with them, I then call my team and we discussed the person and the information I just gathered.Believe me, I do feel bad doing it...for a living.Imagine, you confide in someone, tell them things that for the life of you, you wouldn't tell anyone and hoping that the person that was listening not to spread that information out,let alone making judgements.

Me? Not only that I spread the words around (between my colleagues and YOU who reads), tak cukup dengan itu, siap kutuk, buat analisa sendiri and obviously,being human that I am...passing judgement tak tentu hala.Keji tak? Keji..sungguh keji.

As at today, I have been working for 16 days non-stop and more than 12 hours a day. It's a choice.Nobody made me but workload is just getting fat and fatter.On my way back from Weymouth, sempat pulak aku bercanda dipasiran pantai, minum kopi dengan si tembam tu.Must I say that he has lose a bit of weight? (Katanya...) He reckoned that punca dia membesar begitu sekali is because of his Teh Tarik consumption. But I told him that maybe because he lacked exercise.I don't think he is the type of guy who like bia-walking around town or padang-padang permainan, let alone ada gym membership.

He never stop saying 'too English lah you sekarang...' and me...apa yang English nya?' Well...that's my polite way of telling him udah-udah le guna chat up line like that.JT always come up with unflattering (to me laaa) chat up line.Maybe orang lain sukalah kena puja-puji (ye ke compliment?) like that, but being paranoid me lately ni, I can't help to get so many syak wasangka apa aje orang cakap. 2 days ago, I told my partner 'I think I'm fat'...and orang tu tengok-tengok 'Maybe you should exercise a bit more'. And aku dengar marahnya respond 'So do you really think I'm fat now'. Padahal, orang tu hanya menjawap in passing, takde pun cakap I ni dah debab...plainly meaning kalau kau rasa kau gemuk, kau exercise lah.Tapi aku pulak yang tetiba panas hati.

See...first indication, Paranoia terlebih-lebih. I can't blame it to time of the month anymore. Tak kan la..asal mood swing aje, salah period kan? In fact lately ni, tak period pun aku rasa paranoia semacam.

2ndly, social inclusion. I received messages everywhere...in my mobile inbox,email and facebook. I don't even bother to reply.In facebook, you can get away with poking your friends partly suggesting to them that you're thinking of them and still breathing.Otherwise, you can still be this gatal person who suka mencocok-cocok thinking that your friends is somekind of fish kat Pasar Besar Seremban tu.I keep telling myself that when I'm free, I'll revert.But takde nya.Any free time dihabiskan dengan tengok CSI and seeing banyaknya back stabber dalam office they all making me think that maybe I shouldn't trust easily.

3rdly, experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices.Some information that I am pre-morbidly aware of.I think I hallucinates things like

a) I thought I saw MB masak nasik goreng and I told her, 'Oi..boleh ka kitak goreng telur sekali and hidang kamek nasik goreng kinek tok?'. And nya madah...bila masa kamek goreng nasik ya? So kesimpulannya, I saw something that didn't happened.

b) Lately ni, aku berlari sakan mengejar bus. There was 2 times, I come off the train and I saw the bus that goes direct to my office and macam Marina Chin, aku pun berlari la sampai tercungap-cungap but when I reached the bus stop, the bus that I thought I saw either ghaib dari penglihatanku yang gersang ini or suddenly become a different bus.

I do not wish to start on hearing voices.There's a lot of miscommunication in the work place lately.Things that I thought have said, tapi sebenarnya tak berlaku.'No, you didn't say that...but I did'. Like that lah.

One pregnant woman think that I'm horny thus explains why I now have this weird thought in my head...like aksi-aski perlakuan seksual dengan Boss.Not only with Boss, with some other six packed baru habis praktis main rugby men as well.

But sorry, I now have to disagree. But I don't want to explore further in this subject being gadis pemaliewww that I am and that we, gadis-gadis pemalu terakhir should not be explicit on our bedroom thoughts.I think I'm just drawn closer to Boss and Boss being extra nice.And being the ever confused and complicated me, I bound to feel like terjatuh chenta with sesiapa pun, who treat me right. I once think that I jatuh chenta with this blogger yang kununnya trapped in loveless marriage, but after a while, setelah ku sedar diri yang chenta yang macam gini hanya akan menserabutkan kepala, not to mention takde makna, I slowly grew out of it.

I think to the extent of being unfaithful, we got to allow ourself to separate the reality and the emotion.Reality for someone, yes, aku ni dah berlaki, berbini, beranak bagai...so jgn lah nak berhanky-panky kat luar rumah.But we are very much affected by our emotions anyway.Reality is, partners can be a pebbles in the shoe, menyakitkan hati kadangkala...but until your feelings tell you otherwise, I don't think we will mind the ocassional prick so much. We find our own comfort drowning in our own emotion.Not realistic but just a plain comfort.There's nothing wrong with having dreams,explicit thoughts...like lari dengan laki orang or fucking your office mate blind under the desk.I certainly don't call that unfaithful.It is just a mere comfort and most probably we can't get from the partner.

But please, I'm not putting ideas in your head now.I now worry that I may have signs of chemical imbalances, the classic cause for every accute mental illness in this earth.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

Happy Easter

Note. I bukan malas nak update...fact is, I'm reeling from the frustration of not being able to.See, I need to write to let out.Like orang ittew, this is the only channel for me to air my laundry...clean and dirty.

Yes, I was working over Easter.Money is good, but that was not the reason.Working on both bank holidays (Good Friday & Easter Monday) will pay for my direct flight fare to KUL without even touching my net pay.So, I will not complaint.Boss is going to Spain for holiday.Before dia berambus pergi Spain, sempat pulak dia suruh I suspend one of my support worker from duty,pending investigation.So, that left the unit short staffed.So yang kena kerja nya aku...

But in this post, I decided that enough rambling about work.Cara aku mengomplen macam aku sorang ajelah dalam dunia ni yang busy and miserable.My life is so uninteresting...I don't go places,I don't shop hence takdelah benda-benda nak ditayang...

Selepas puas si Tua tu ku kutuk dan sumpah, we decided to give the relationship another go.Too much is at stake but I have decided,kalau hati ni masih boleh bersabar,sabarlah.After all,when I think about it,I can still very much do what I want to do.I am at work MOST of the time.I'm not a perfect partner in many,many ways.A colleague asked me today if I ever wanted children.Without a tinge of hesitation,dengan bongkak nya I said NO.I can't look after myself,I'm too selfish and I developed penyakit pelupa besar nowadays that I know one day my child will suffer...ada ke emak lupa yang dia ada anak? Adaaaa.....siapa? Ala...Hjh Esah la...dia hantar anak dia gi nursery in 2009, sekarang dah 2020 pun lupa nak ambik...boley? So kepada sesiapa yang ada anak...kalau setakat nak jadik godmother beli hadiah, bawak jenjalan..itu boleh.Nak commit 24 jam and a lifetime...acik mintak mahap la yo....

So, NO.I'm not going to talk about F either here.Ni masing-masing tengah mood baik...trading phone calls maybe 4,5 times a day.Tapi kalau temperature dah start naik...mau berbulan tak bercakap!!!

Bila dah ber partnerkan orang putih ni...or shall I be more precise, ber partnerkan orang kapir ni...maka,tak banyak sikit, kenalah acknowledge segala perayaan kapir ni kan? We did spend Easter together and bought each other Easter Egg, walaupun kesudahannya, habis telur ceklat ku digasak oleh sidaknya yang buruk siku...bagi I, tapi dia yang makan.Apo makno eh tu?

F suggested that I watch this program in BBC about Jesus, the crucification and the later ressurrection.See, what do I know about the Easter celebration apart from beli Easter egg? Yeelek!!!

So I watched the program.The whole episode of 'Passion'.About Jesus and his decipher,how they went around preaching, annoys the Roman,got himself crucified and rise above to heaven.Little that I know, from there developes the Christians and the Roman later become the Roman Catholic and the Hebrew remain their Judaism.

I realised that there's a lot of things I don't know and history about all the religion in this world is all very unique.People do struggle to spread good things.Make me wonder that after many years, people still kill/disagree about each other choice of faith.

Nevertheless, Happy Easter. (Matilaaa dah basi)

Panic Button

Today is Monday. As promised, I agreed to go to Weymouth to meet with client B,G and Z who will be admitting in our facility in Dorset.G is a convicted sex offender and B and Z, is an avid drug user. All diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Boss promised that this will be the most 3 days work and then I'll be free to return to London. But I know 3 days is janji palsu semata-mata.Settling a newly-discharged secure unit in-patient in a new environment is a hard work.I don't know why NHS don't want to pay a qualified Occupational Therapist to do this work.

I have carefully planned that I will at least try to settle the sex offender's first, as the risk of him being vulnerable to others is greater.See, while we all may think that sexual predator is the ganas one, my findings always tell me otherwise.Tuhan ajelah yang tahu if they all ni berlakon.

This will be an interesting journey for me for the next couple of days.

I must tell you this. I always get to meet the 'psycho maut' people. You can tell from their eyes and they are all often very scarry. I always fear that one day I might ended up badly beaten up by this people, who knows if I tread wrongly.One day in a admission meeting, this woman threaten to slit my throat and had to be restrained.I was shaken and she was very near and our eyes met.Suddenly I remember that once upon a time, I was so scared of a neigbour's dog that followed me back from my kelas mengaji.My brother keep whispering 'jangan lari..jangan lari...' but he ran away leaving me behind.That left me with no choice but to read what my father taught me.

Like the stupid dog, this manic woman went flat.I don't know what surah that ayat is from, but enough to keep me safe in all manic situation.

So, ingatlah..bila nampak anjing or orang gila..silalah baca 'Summum Bukmumm' tu ye....

Entry Sewel

This was written on Sunday 16th of March.Tapi lupa nak publish.I must warned to you who is reading this that I have not been functioning like any other normal working person. Apparently, I have been working night and day, only ever have some free time to eat, sleep,doing a bit of laundry and watching CSI.

I keep ignoring Facebook request (plus...I must admit, I really tak reti when people sent me all kind of notification and request...alaaa, hantar message aje lah, takyah lah nak suruh I buat quiz ke bagai, susah lah babe)

I have to attend 12 discharge meeting in one week. All schizophrenic case. All is set to live in the community. Boss asked me to come up with some relapse prevention plan and due to some foreseeable risk, I have to work closely with the Community Police. At the end of the day, I am dead knackered. For this, I thank god, I don't have laki or anak. Mampus kena cerai, mampus anak kebulur...and jangan merasalah nak jadik Tokoh Maal Hijrah ke or Tokoh Ibu Mithali. Tak kan ada nya...

Next couple of day, I will be send away to a place called Weymouth, down south.Boss yang suruh.Lately ni, I feel compelled to do what ever Boss asked me to do.Tanpa bantahan lak tu.Why lah? I sudah syiok kat Boss ke? Eh..can happen taw...if you spend so much time in close proximity with some one, on the phone selang 30 minutes...chenta boleh berputik tawwwwww.......

Nah...Boss is not my type. What is my type? I spent 3 years in all girls school...another 2 more years in that konon nya 'berlambak bebudak pandai' school where all the male species is equal to celaka besar.So, I bound to found comfort in 'no men land'.

As much as this thought is scarry, I am so open to everything right now.My Boss is very thoughtful, well she have to, didn't she, kalau tak mampus lah siapa nak buat kerja macam nak mati.We Malaysian are so hardworking (quoting my Boss) maybe because we know we are away from our own comfort.Like the Chinese in Malaysia.

I think I have passed giving in to community expectation. My parents sungguhlah dah give up nya nak mengenenkan I dengan jantan-jantan Malang as far as from Bukit Chedang.

Let's look at more healthier options...pick up any nice gay man as a good friend (or as handyman around the house) and another female companion.

Women look after one another...they might be bitching non-stop but they forgive and forget easily. Women are very loyal too.

Sexual pleasure? There is always Ann Summer's gadget.

Bersambung.

Mulutku Yang Masin

I'm not a big fan of sodium chloride.Yepp..I like to eat asams but not the really masin one.Some asam got salt sprinkle on it, so sorry lah...kamek sik suka.

Why am I taking about sodium chloride/asam/masin? Long,long time ago when I was in that sekolah budak-budak famous (lebih famous dari TKC tawww) kat Seremban tu (I'm talking girls school here) there was this classmate of mine (mano tah poei eh..dalam Facebook pun tak jumpa) yang hobi nya suka mengenen I dengan this particular boy from KGV. I have to cross his path on my way back from school to the hostel. The asrama that I used to lived in, (alaaa....dekat STAD tu) dekat benar dengan sekolah Mamat ni. He is not at all handsome (kurang ajar nya...) and I don't know why, dalam keadaan aku tak berboifren that time and when the whole school dah ada pakwe (and makwe..heheheh) patutnya kalau orang dah berkenan tu, kawan aje lah kan? But you know, with looks like him, takde pakwe pun takpe nyah. Not only his looks that put me off, his perangai...his attributes...takde langsung ciri-ciri nak dijadikan boifren.

But this friend of mine was so insistent, god knows if she makan komisyen from this boy because she happily ready to become his postman, menyampai surat-surat chentanya kat I...tulis surat pun pakai exercise book, bangsa koyak page kat belakang...tak gentleman betul.Well, maybe he can't afford a proper writing pad.

Everyday without fail, she will pass on his salams to me...Eh Makji, dia kirim salam la...everyday I tell you.I will just keep quiet and my friend often said 'berdosa tau awak tak jawab salam dia'. One day tah cemana, this boy was on his way to the Gold Supermarket (wujud lagi ke ni?) and was walking pass my school.I was on my way out and alamak...we bumped into each other. This time he really sampaikan his salam to me in person.He was with his gang, like gangster Kg Dusun and aku pulak sensorang...he just went on and on, berdosa kita tak jawab salam orang tau...followed by evil laugh from all that KGV smuts. Panas betul hati I...sepanas hari itu.

The next day at school, I told my friend of my ordeal and cakap kat Minah ni...'ko pegi lah kirim salam maut dengan budak tu...'.A week after that this boy died.Electrocuted. My friend was sad, blaming my mulut masin wishing him the bad luck.But how was I to know?

Similar thing happened when my late brother was ill.Not that I wish him dead but the very last day that I visited him at the Hospital, I went home to pack my bag, I packed baju kurung and tudung too, feeling that I may need it. 15 minutes after that, he passed away.I really,really hate myself for feeling that.Until today.

Last week, I was driving from Essex to London. I suddenly thought about this friend of mine (somehow we are related by marriage) who was met by an accident maybe 15 years ago.We were at the wedding and on his way back, he was run over by a gang of motorcyclist.I saw him at the hospital the next day.He was chatting happily to us with his entire body bandaged everywhere.He slips into coma after that.From what I was told is the hospital fault, giving him too much anaesthatic and this later turned into permanent brain damage. I visited him as often as I can but I got caught up with life responsibility.But he remembers me at every visits I paid him by blinking his eyes.

Tah macam mana, last week...terkenang pulak kat dia.15 years is way too long to be bedridden and to completely lost the bodily function. I supposed we have to thank Allah for him to live to see people around him.I asked about him from people who knows him and condition still the same.While stuck on the M25 traffic last week, I think my heart said 'God, what a pity and what a great pain for the whole family have to endure all this.He is under a great deal misery.He should have died in that accident'.

I got a message yesterday that he passed away last Friday.I just wish that I never had that thought.I really feel awful.But he is now at the better place.

Al fatihah, Mohamad Anazeem.I will always remember you...the chirpy you in that stripy yellow shirt, you wore the night of the wedding and the accident.

Wednesday Speech

My Lunch....In the end, I makan pakan tangan...and orang putih next to me pandang tak berkelip-kelip

Being physically unwell has never stopped me from mengumpat. See, I am a suitable candidate for general election. I like talking about people. The juicier the gossip the better. I can do long-distance call, kekononnya nak menanya khabar kengkawan yang hati gundah but pertanyaan khabar pun diselang-selikan dengan cerita-cerita berunsur gossip jugak.Ahh...that will make my day.

The weather has been crap since last Monday. Dengan angin kuatnya, hujan nya...although my company ada bad weather policy, Boss cakap, angin kuat pun kena kerja jugak.Well, that’s the agony of working in this field. Real wind can blows this and that ways...but another type of wind also capable of blowing so hard that although langit nak runtuh, Boss can still summon you to Opis. Celaka lu, Boss!!!

But today, I succumbed to the reality of life where when one that is over exhausted by work; one shall collapse in dire condition. So, I was in Croydon yesterday...almost the whole day (yes, Kak Teh...this is where that mad maniac rape the woman while she was dying) I was asked to handle an abuse case (kat sini, when I say abuse, bukannya kes cucuh tangan dengan puntung rokok okay?) One of my colleagues is a sign language expert and aku terpaksa hurung dia datang Croydon and this young lady (yang konon nya mangsa penderaan seksual) will only talk to me.

The Policeman who was supposed to record the statement didn’t turn up. Waste of the bloody journey.Hey...Twickenham to Croydon jauh tawww. Since aku dah tercongok-congok kat situ, The Manager of that unit asked me to look into the this P file (alaa...yang suka gasak budak-budak kecik tu laa) and this colleague of mine, do what she have to do with the BP (budak pekak) Tiba-tiba boss muncul....ahhh...I baru buat plan dengan my colleague ni, since kita dah ada kat Croydon, meh la kita pergi Uncle Lim’s stall kat Alders tu, makan mee kari. Boss telah mengacau daun.Big time. Last-last, Boss left a message for us both masuk meeting kat satu lagi unit kat Croydon tu.Boss bought us sandwich when what I had in my mind is Mee Kari.

With me travelling in the bad weather dengan baju tak tebal on Monday and with me again stuck in the car for almost 4 hours, also in bad weather after enduring meeting berejam yang boring, today I really feel like dying.

I slept at 9pm last night (pecah record) and woke up at 4.30am...and came sunlight with another crazy wind, I said...okay, that’s it. I demam.Let me call Boss to tell her that I’m coming a bit late. I slept again until 8am, still rasa cam pengsan.

At 9am, I was half ready, with jeans and T-shirt, I told MB that I demam and start making faces. She talked me into ambik sick leave, which I readily agreed after she promises to masak ayam cili and kacang panjang goreng.Talking about feeling nak mati tapi nafsu makan cam babi!!!

So here I am...ready to mengumpat.Who should I kutuk first?

As we all now know, Barisan Nasional kalah besar...I am so happy. So happy that I gleefully posted a message on my Facebook.

Pak Lah and my father are good friends (according to my father la...), they were both into MAYC during their heyday. While my father opted to serve his employer until he pencen, Pak Lah becomes the known politician. My father only has nice things to say about him and I think he still does, because my father is nice to his friends. When we talk about politics, all of us tried not to drop Pak Lah into the subject because we know that my father doesn’t like to be put in the spot light, talking about Pak Lah. So, since I tak boleh nak kutuk Pak Lah with my father...let me kutuk him with you.

While most of us wonder why he still bother, after been caught sleeping (with himself of course) and after been critised openly.Pak Lah can happily live with his pencen and his new wife. I believe that he is not as overzealous as Anwar who can happily command anak bini to contest for him. What can Dr Azizah and Nor Izzah do without Anwar? Talking about Keadilan, Anwar and Co is one with a new palace in Segambut and elsewhere while others have to make do with the ever expensive things.Anwar was once the group he now despises. He is no better than the rest. So, Anwar or Keadilan supporter, if you reading this...gasak lah hah!!! I never like Anwar or Keadilan...but I like the look of Sukma Darmawan...boleh? Until they can convince me what Keadilan are for and why is it better than anything else, I will still think that Keadilan is the epitome of disgruntled wannabe PM that was sent to jail.

So Pak Lah...refused to step down.Takde paksaan katanya.I saw this interview of the TPM yang macam takut-takut, ohoo....I will continue to support PM...(or else I pun takde harapan lah nak jadi PM nanti...) And Khairy Jamaluddin can bark at his maximum pitch only in Rembau. They (the kalah one) berani pulak keluar statement ‘the Malays who vote for the opposition must now take responsibility’. a plakkkk!!!! Are we obliged to vote for Barisan? See...10 or 12 years ago, if I’m asked to vote between Mohamad Rahmat and Razak Ahmad, or any DAP candidates, Mohamad Rahmat boleh blah and continue singing in RTM.

Both me and MB were joking about kena pakai purdah after when we balik Malaya pasni (see...Kiah, area kau area Keadilan ke,Pas ke or DAP?)

Pak Lah already passed his retirement age, while he is obviously unable to take anymore pressure, let the others take over. Leave the Rembau Boy only in Rembau. Rembau needs a new President. Malaysian doesn’t.

Anwar should rule Segambut only and Malaysian TV never should allow any pro-politics ads on TV.

PAS...I honestly do not know the connection between ibadah and politics. Parents told children don’t do this, don’t do that...don’t slander...stop the diatribe. Islam doesn’t permit that. But PAS allowed all this in their campaign.

Why oh why, we didn’t vote for that Nenek Kunci? Who did Nenek Kunci slander? Nenek Kunci spent all her hard-earned songket selling money...

Let’s just see if anything changes in the next 5 years...

The Deceiving Story

Among all those gory crime story kat UK ni, I followed one case where this volunteer Policewoman was killed at her doorstep.This happened more than a year ago (or maybe 2?)

Sedih jugak la....but I cannot fathom why people want to volunteer jadi Police kat sini? Dah le tak berbayar, you might end up dead.Nak volunteer pun gi la jadi cikgu or aid worker kat Africa nun.Crime rate in UK ni, budak umur 12 tahun pun boleh bunuh orang.

So this lady,bless her soul, volunteered as a WPC (Woman Police Constable) kat area Wembley nun.Cantik la jugak.Here, we get to see the pretty version of Indian.I'm not saying all Indian are not good looking but compare Samy Vellu to Amitabh Bachan, the like of AB is plenty here...so this Nisha Patel is way better looking than your usual Kelly.(Hamboiii...mulut)

When the news broke, all of us (aku la) like always, kesiannya, muda-muda dah mati.She was stabbed with her own kitchen knife.We all thought that she is one of the have a go hero.The trail suggests that the attacker knocked her front door and a woman with a Police instinct, teruslah capai pisau potong sayur ikan bagai...aren't we all, kalau ada orang ketuk pintu rumah memalam buta?

Well, she was stab and died from a single shot that pierced her heart.Her husband takde kat rumah masa tu.Main snooker katanya.We all thought, ye lah, since her husband being a local businessman, adalah business rival ke nak membunuh bininya.Or, maybe some local had it in for her, with her being a policewoman (walau tak berbayar pun)

They interviewed the husband, yang masa tu sungguhlah wreck nya.Hensem you (Kiah...mcm ghope laki kau) Husband was crying, in the interview calling for witnesses....the news reports that when he was called home that night, he uttered dalam tangisan nya 'why did you open the door'. I had wanted to ask, yang kau gi keluar malam-malam tinggal bini sensorang buat apa? But he was grieving and I should not have evil thoughts.Lagipun, dia sungguhlah hensem...so, manalah tau kan....kot-kot nanti dapat kat aku ke...(that is really an evil thoughts)

Tup-tup!!! In the end, they caught her killer.Investigate punya investigate, they brought in the grieving husband as well.Of course lah he denied.But investigation found plenty of contact made between the attacker and the husband.I thought, okaylah...tak nak lah menyalahkan si hensem tu.He is in business,maybe is his business partner ke, rival ke.See, how looks can deceived.MB was so confident that lakinya musti ada kena-mengena but I was so tertipu with his tangisan (and his good looks) when he first appeal for witnesses.

Today, I bought a Sun Newspaper on my way to another work place.Before you ask, Kiah...I'm not buying the newspaper for all that inflated tetek on Page 3 okay? The Sun is damn cheap, 20 pence...plus the train ride is long and I need to catch up with news.

Ghope-ghope nya, si puaka jantan hensem tu, now is the main suspect.The news published his holiday shots with some Lithuanian prosty few weeks before the murder and how he is paying the attacker money to have wife killed so that he can claim her life insurance.I must tell you, kalaulah tak pasal gambar dia dengan prostitute ittew, aku mati-matilah ingat si Fadi Nasri ni tak bersalah githoo...and how I will stand by my man (yicksss...nak muntah nya...)

So me and MB talked about it again.MB of course la dengan theory CSI Vegas,Miami & New York nya...dey, just because kau dah khatam tengok CSI, does not make you the expert, okay? I dah cakap dengan you dah...there's something about that man..I knew it, I knew it.Talk about woman instinct.

Some of us are blessed with all this perasaan-perasaan where you can feel something is not right but until you know what it is, you can't get your finger in it.I don't.Until all is didepan mata, I am blisfully ignorant.I'm sure if ever there is a husband, my husband can get away with kahwin 2,3,4 under my nose and aku, sampai mati pun tak tau.

I'm not into kapak rampage upon my gruesome discovery, if my partner ever cheated.Well, I don't know yet, some of us will cakap macam-macam now when it hasn't happened but when caught up, kelu seribu bahasa.I might be saying that I'm cool with it now that I will just leave gracefully but one may never know.I will probably need more than a kapak.

Although I detest cheaters,you can never understand one would lie.I believe in love at the 2nd sight where we stumbled upon someone,feel the connection and have relationship, while still madly in love with someone else.

Tapi...tak yah lah sampai bunuh-bunuh kan? Well, when you are married, the stake is high.Anak la, harta sepencarian la...not many are willing to give up amassed wealth walaupun konek dah gatal tahap maximum.

Clean example, si JT.In our last conversation over coffee and cake, he is still not willing to give up his pasu serawak,although dia yang nak buang bini dia.You can be honest, in his case, last minute honesty...not to mentioned pengecut, he was planning his getaway from his kununnya loveless marriage,making sure all his airway dah clear and tinggalkan bini terkapai-kapai.I think men and woman need to be mentally prepared if they're losing one another.Life after marriage can be quite lonely, you've been with someone for certain amount of time,cinta tak cinta pun and to lose them from your system completely is hard.

Well, jantan celaka ada dimana-mana....in and out this world.Ooooopsssss!!!!

The Crazy Wednesday

Last night, I belanja my boss makan. Ceh...made a difference kan? Well, last week, I had a little disagreement with her.I think that was the 2nd time.The first one, I merajuk (as in I tak bercakap-cakap dengan dia for couple of days) but after few days, I realised betapa tak professionalnya I.Sometimes at work, we have couple of clashed opinions.But in my case, I know I was right. I made a decision to section someone under Act 4, but much to my dismay, family si Polan ni sudah pergi HQ and made a complaint abt me. Aku telah membuli anak mereka konon nya.

Boss rang me on the spot, and overturned my decision and suggests that we (me and my team) to look at the incident properly, buat post mortem la kira nya.Boss and her usual speech, we have to be very patient-centred.Konon nya.But what is so obvious is that her decision is more 'patient-family centred'.Sakit hati I tawwwwww.

So, I decided..sebagai tanda protest, I called her and asked what made she think that my decision ain't right. Boss said, it is not about the battle...it is about the war. So, that night, after my decision to section this guy was overturned by my own boss yang ku kira, tak tau apa-apa tu, si family celaka tu started to torment my unit.See, sometimes you think that mental health patient is dangerous kan? No, wait till you see their family, and with family like that, jangan kata anak they all, yang tukang jaga ni pun boleh jadi gila.

Hmmm...like any other melayu yang kalau kena marah dengan boss terus kata boss salah and merajuk berjam-jam, I did the same. I decided to take time off work with short notice.I need some time to merajuk in private.I was so dissapointed.I went into therapy and purge it all out...goodness, I am so childish.

I apologised to my boss.Boss tatau yang I sakit hati dengan dia.I told her how I feel.I have a lot of confidence to confront her when I am less angry.I chosed my words carefully. I told Boss, I am within my right to made that decision and for her to tetiba cakap I salah, sungguh lah kejam nya.While orang lain can have attitude lantaklah...this is just a job, no! It is not like that with me.Sebagai anak askar yang sungguh garang...I cannot accept such decision.It is about principle, and yes, if they have a problem with my decision, nak buat komplen...ikut proper channel lah kan...ni tak, gi lobi my Boss and si pompuan tu, teruslah cakap 'okay, okay..I'll sort Makji Esah out for you'. Tak ke membuatkan aku nampak extra bangang?

But after 48 hours...(memanglah I ni extra bangang) I realised why my Boss did what she did.And setelah I realised betapa buruk nya perilaku I...I called Boss and apologised.Boss cakap, okay but can you honestly see why we have to play the game these people are playing?

Boss took me out for a meal...I wanted to pay, but Boss cakap...takpelah, kita gasak duit company.But I still feel awful.See, Boss is indirectly my Cikgu.I was brought up not to go against Cikgu, walaupun Cikgu tu kenkadang macam puaka.I told Boss about this...because she is slightly older than me and also considering that she is nice (when she is nice) that we Malaysian tak leh kurang-kurang ajar dengan Cikgu and people older than us.I was actually overreacting and to show to her that I am so sorry, I musti belanja dia makan.

But last night, me and colleague decided to kidnap Boss from her hotel and took her to this very posh golf club in Herts.We had a good time (ni tak termasuk purse ku yang rabak since the bill came up to £120.00) But again, some of us have strong life principle.

Moral dari cerita I yang boring ni ialah...kalau orang gila, dia akan terus gila and kita akan dibuatnya jadi gila jugak.My Boss decided to go ahead to play the game...without making me go down that road of gila ness.It is not about who is right and who is wrong.We don't need to be as low as them.Tu dia ceritanya.

So kepada kengkawanku yang dihormati...we come across so many people that driving us crazy.Biarkanlah.Let them win.Some battle are not worth to fight.As long as kita pun tak jadi gila.

Six Pence Non-The-Preacher

There is this Ustazah from one east coast state now sent to jail for apostasy. 2 years...and this decision was made considering the severity of her doing. While I try to buat-buat tak nampak berita-berita menyayat hati yang lain (pasal orang itu yang konon nya nak menimang cahaya mata...cis..cisss...) I am now thinking very hard about this poor Ustazah.

I've learned well now after giving my opinion about Lina Joy. Never to discuss sensitip subject. But hey, sensitip subject is made sensitip by sensitip people.Overly sensitip people.But Malaysian people certainly cannot qualify for being sensitip....some of them I mean (mulut kena jejaga nih, I can't generalised Malaysian, considering I'm still one, my abang/adik/amma/appa is still holding that red passport. I think, if they can bear reading Noritta scandals,happily distribute some loocha DVD, setting up a webpage just to slander a name politician, they cannot be THAT sensitip.

Poor Ustazah.She must have been so well-studied in Islamic Studies to become one. I certainly cannot fathom the change of heart. I'm not all religious but yesterday, my boss remarked how 'religious' I am to be pswpswpswpswpspw.....before driving the car off. 'What are you muttering about'. I smiled. I was only doing ayat kursi and al-fatihah, something that I have been doing for almost 20 years now (since I dapat lesen...so Ood, ekau bilo eh nak dapek lesen ni?)

My parents emphasised on secular education but we were sent to mengaji earlier. My father would rotan if we tak semayang...and once, dek kelibut nya aku nak tengok Police Academy (Chung Wai Kit aiyaaaaa...) I actually completed 3 raka'at maghrib during the iklan...hah kau!!! Semayang apo tu? And because of my express rakyat/eurostar speed of semayang, Maghrib's time TV banned forever masa tu. Tapi, TVteegaaa masa tu mmg la celaka, yang pi taruk Cerita Cina tu pukul 7 buat hapa hah? But I don't hate TVteeegaaaaa...bcos TVteeegaaa got Wan Leha. It is better Wan Leha than Hjh Hazlinda, kan?

So, now I hardly sembahyang...I live like orang putih eventhough I kulit tak putih...kalaulah bapak ku yang Pak Haji tu tahu kegiatan sosial anak dia yang macam baik ni...harus aku dititah perintah balik serta merta. But I must have been love that cemana setan yakjud makjud pun,I never once nak menukar agama ni...possibly due to the faith.

The Jabatan Agama or who ever that made that decision to imprisoned that Ustazah is wee bit harsh. She just changed her faith with reasons only known to her and considering that this is an open knowledge, she decided to not live a lie as a non-muslim.Something that morally, we should give credit for.She did not kill anyone...she did not swindled people's money...and she did not do anything hideous or very criminal that can justify the prison sentence.She just lose faith.

Maybe the power that imprisoned her have deeper insecurity, they can't bear to lose her to any other religion. So they become harsher than necessary.This will ultimately make others judge us even more, condemn us more and whaddayaknow....losing faith in us completely.

So, to the power, I hope you know what you're doing.

Important Information

Kepada you all peminat-peminat serta pengkritik-pengkritik imeem list Makji Esah, tu dia...ada yang berani buat pidato piala perdana mintak I tukar/update lagu-lagu dalam juke box ittew. Meh sini I nak cakap sikit dengan orang ittew yang semenjak 2,3 menjak ni akhlak mengalahkan budak Romania (eeehh...kat sini kan, adalah segerombolan bebudak dari Romania tu, kerja memasing bila traffic light tukar kaler merah je, armed with window cleaning stuff and detergent buatan sendiri, terus pakat-pakat serbu kereta and cuci the windscreen, pastu..dah le kita tak suruh diorang cuci, diorang ni terus je demand duit singgit and if you tak kasi...habis kereta kena calar githooo)

Kau tu mengandung...buat-buat lah bawak diri tu mengaji Quran ke, dengar lagu Raihan ke, lagu nasyid kumpulan budak-budak pompuan tu yang hapa ke nama nya yang nyanyi lagu 'sayang-sayang ibu' tu. Jangan nak megomplen aje...tahu?

But, demi memenuhkan jugak hasrat mu ittew, meh sini ku persembahkan lagu-lagu yang patut kau dengar dalam labour room...tak pun bila kau tidur malam...bukan ke 2,3 menjak ni ada mimpi Sharon encounter la, Tracey la..Anna Nicole Smith laa...so, whenever you think of me, dengar lah lagu Spice Girl...I want to make you Holler tu...ingat tau...kau kena sebut 'Holler' tu 'Hollah', English accent githoo...

Well friends, it's about time jugak I tukar lelagu dalam my imeem list tu. Like said, lagu 'Holler' tu ditujukan utk orang ini...lagu 'Star' tu, lagu favourite I jaman muda-muda, jaman berchenta and this was actually dedicated to me from him. Tapi..lyric tak kena sungguh...the only saving grace is that I memang suka kat Mick Hucknall, kalau tak..mampos lah aku yang berfeeling-feeling sayu dengar lagu ni...

The Fairuz Hussein is also my all time favourite and Janet Jackson 'Escapade' ittew ditujukan khas untuk budak-budak MRSM Beseri Batch 6, yang selalu ponteng sembahyang (tapi pi cakap kat Kak Kapten, kami bocorrr kak...) pastu, bila org lain dengah khusyuk semayang, kita juga khusyuk berjoget ikut Janet Jackson...kan..kan..kan?

I've been busy and abused, but I'll write again soon.

Ciao.