Relight My Fire

To my secret love affair (albeit kau dah berlaki, ber anak and menternak kekucing)...

Reading your latest posting about your zest to become a rimau, although I strongly believe that after ko menengok Anuar Zain gyrating his muscular bon-bon, zest kau akan ke mana, kau pun tah ke mana lah agaknya.

Oh tidak....aku tidak jaki. Not for your Anuar Zain concert, and not for your upcoming PHD. When you said you have all his CD, adakah kau ada CD lagu Kain Pelikat Lalalala tu? Apa sangatlah nak ku jaki kan...sebab aku sendiri akan pergi berjemaah kat Wembley Arena me 'relight my fire'. Kau ado??? Takdo...kau hanya dapat tengok bontot Anuar Zain aje. Aku? Bontot Gary Barlow, Mark Owen, Jason Orange and tah hapalah nama sorang lagi tu.

However, konsep jakidiri bukanlah menjadi tema posting ku untuk kali ini. I do...walaupun kau selalu berkata kutidak berperasaan...identify with your predicament. Ye lah..umur dah lanjut (and 37) jangan kata belang rimau, belang Zebra crossing pun takde you.

But you know what, gasak pi lah orang nak manjat gunung ke, lari marathon ke...a success will not manifest itself by membuat menda-menda takde pekdah cam tu. Like, kalau tahu diri tu gayat, tak ke memanjat gunung tu satu kerja yang bodoh? Dah tahu diri tu sometimes depending on Salbutamol 5mg inhaler...ko gila kah nak lari marathon?

Kesimpulan nya.....

Count yourself lucky la kalau your fren tu takat-takat tayang gambar aje dalam pesbuk. Buat nya kau ada kawan yang bangsa guna pesbuk untuk mengata orang? Lagi celaka wa cakap lu. If this still does not make you feel any better, compare ajelah diri kau tu dengan aku.

a) You got better job than me. kau mendidik anak bangsa, berkhidmat demi negara. Aku? Sikit lagi nak jadi gila.
b) You got laki..you got babies...aku? Babis pun tarak..Laki? Lagi laaa...
c) You still have all your molars intact. Aku? (pssstt..jangan lupa to remind that DBO to attend to my 2nd casualty)
d) You can make tauhu sumbat (and who knows...aksi sumbat menyumbat comes naturally for you kan?)

Enjoy the bum. Aku redhakan pemergian mu dengan hati yang amat perit. (Mintak-mintaklah masa concert ada power cut)

Tarrraaaaa (style Cilla Black ni)

Update at (just after) Midnite

What ever happen to all them people in my previous post you all love to know? Hehehe...read on. sajalah memalam ni, takde benda nak tulis, so teringat kisah-kisah tergantung orang-orang yang berkenaan.

Kak Katak and her abang sayang. - I sum up that she has got fed up in maintaining friendship with me. She called, I didn't answer....she texted...sometimes, I texted back. It is really a one sided affair.What can I say, me and my mobile phone are not siamese twins. More often, much to my boss dismay, I suka tertinggal phone kat rumah. People say, barang tertinggal biarkan dia tertinggal, tracing back steps is a bad luck. As it is my run in with bad luck sungguhlah banyak.However, I do speak and see her now and again. I just don't blog about her anymore. She is doing her PHD and as it is, I have incurred all the wrath tak perlu dengan puak-puak pandai ni. Not that I care but benda-benda yang menyakitkan mata janganlah di undang.It is not their fault kan, they were born so pandai. Maybe it is just me yang bangang.So, duduklah den ontok-ontok.

JT - Also another PHD scholar. But I like him, Not only that he is my ex schoolmate and has grown tak hensem and me transforming into Jodie Foster perasan, he is the epitome of the latest human terminology yakni, jantan and Iguana are almost simlar. He can be needy,pushy, pundek and all that sort...enough to send me berbatu-batu away from him and within seconds, he can be as charming as Jalaluddin Hassan trying to chat up Aida Rahim with Bahasa Meklayu ber accent confuse English/American tu. All those we love to hate facial and verbal expression. If I do blog about him, only when he come out with the latest self-pity episode or tak pun, percubaan mengorat tak serik-serik kat I ni.

Abang R - Oh yes....lupalak nak habiskan cerita. Ceklat pun dah habis kan, Kiah? Yeah...jantan, kangkung ke, buluh betung ke, semuanya sama. Takde spinal cord. He told his mom that I'm not interested...and all have been a wasted journey. so selamat lah dirinya. My naughty thought is to.....a) Call my mother and say, okaylah..Angah nak lah kahwin dengan dia b) Write on his FB wall...how's was Soho the other night? Plenty bum-fun? (uiisshhh mulut Hjh Esah) c) I will tell his Mum what he said about her...mati sakit jantung Mak dia (and aku pun berdosa besar)

Cannot win.

Another One Bites The Dust

Couple of months ago when I wrote about Pilah & Co, ada pulak anak cucu yang sakit ati...kata I durhaka lah..nak kena saman lah..hapa lah. Sampai la ni, takdak apa pun. Saya masih menunggu jugak Cik Cucu Tuanku Jeff nak saman saya but I guess in the end, you must have realised that you got better things to do daripada melayan kata-kata puaka I kan? I was wondering too, on what ground pulak you nak saman I? Takde. Unless Malaysian Goverment posted a new bill that rakyat are totally disallowed from disrespecting the Royal Family. That is okay lah...I was been disrespectful kan? Orang dah arwah, lagi mau kutuk. But you know what, it is better that (being disrespectful in that manner) than having my own flesh and blood...belum kering lagi tanah kubur Nenda, cucunda-cucunda dah pi clubbing kat Hotel Istana tu. Pastu suruh satu negeri berkabung 100 hari. Isk..isk..isk.

Someone got annoyed with my Manohara post. Nak marah, marah lah. Like the family rightly said, this is a personal matter. People like me can only express opinion from what we see, and people like you can just read and take in. Tak payahlah nak kutuk saya.I have got better thing to focus my attention to. I still stand by what I said, I don't take side, I just think that both hubby and wifey are dimwit as each other. At the risk of offending the parents of both parties, the gravy did fell on the right spot.

However I applaud your loyalty...I would too, if the Tengku is my friend. I would have said...eleh, takyah lah nak kawin budak Indon tu, pelakon Malaysia kan ada? Stupid is a stupid does. Nak buat camana kan? Sabar aje lah. Next time when you read a blog, knowing that this is a free platform for people to express opinion, baca aja lah. I am hardly slandering anyone.Making comparison is not an offence. I did agree he look like a psychopath, because I have worked with many.However psychopath look does not guarantee a psychopathic behaviour.It is all very unfortunate for both parties. Please read carefully next time. I don't have a judgement, and there is certainly no cloud.

Who cares, she hire/ he hire a lawyer. More money and work for the legal people. Todays news is tomorrow's toilet paper. Next year or so both, if still not together may jumpa orang baru. TMF can start looking for woman with passion for bondage and S&M, and that little gold digger can start digging elsewhere, maybe for oil and gas this time. Tak pun, gi lah belajar masuk U. Muda-muda ni kenalah ada wawasan. Janganlan hidup nak makan duit laki aje....(siapakah ittew) Ingat ye...you all yang ngabiskan duit laki tu..sementara ada laki ni, pakai lah duit they all tu sampai abis ye. Belikan I karipap inti ayam frozen satu kontena pakai duit laki ye? Berkaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

You will be surprise how many people can easily be provoked and meghoyan tak tentu pasal. Bila kita kata dia insecure kang, kecik ati pulak. Dah laa...gi lah kacau orang lain, we don't want to play with you anymore. You pun untung nasib tak tahu lagi.

(Bila lah keta Ferrari Diva Debab tu nak sampai ni..kaki dah gatal nak gi Paris dah ni)

Prahara Manohara

He is the Prince from Kelantan (and tak hensem) and she is just 17. From Indonesia. Quite pleasant. I am half Indonesian, so I will take an interest. When was the last I indulge on good celebrity gossip like this? Unless Norman Hakim and Abby would like to remarry, re attack at film set and gadudgaduh-nangis-nangis, then I better find something else lah kan, Kiah?

He is 31 and with status like that, he could go looking for more mature wife who is likely to understand that marriage is not a bed of roses. It is about time lah Kelantan ada cerita baru...long after the Sultan ran away with the sport cars without paying for the duty.

I saw the interview, it seems genuine. Saya dipotong-potong..disuntik-suntik...and all that toot toot toot (cilaka kena mute pulak) The journalist asked, adakah family Tengku Temenggung know what is happening...Manohara dalam ghun-ghun serabak nya madah..they don't care, their son ada permainan yang dia suka.

The poor girl is only 16 when she married him. Whisked away by a private jet, I pun ndak jugak...although I think she may have a better ending if she marry any Prince from Brunei. He must be a bujang terlajak looking for love all that way to Indonesia and picked up an immature girl. She claimed he is a psychopath. He looks like one anyway, his only saving grace is that he is the son of a King. I shall reserved my comment about the father lah ye.There was this long standing jokes about him and the roman numbers.

She is now back in Jakarta after all that drama menjerit-jerit dalam lift. God forbid Sultan Kelantan jadik bertambah sakit. People call her family, her mum in particular a gold digger. Yeah..right. What a place to dig a gold at Kelantan kan?

Of course Malaysian Press will defend TMF. All this orchestrated to smear his good family name.They said he kept her passport, why lah? Lucky enough, this happened in Singapore. She may tried to run away before but Pak polisi in KL may have been kautim by TMF. Eh..tak baik I petnah Pak Polisi kan? For some reason, domestic issue is to grey to masuk campur.

She claimed she was subjected to penderaan sexual. Girls, you can go bang on about it but jangan haraplah they will take action againt unconsented sex with your husband.Most likely he will use the agama reason, that wife must not defy and refuse husband.

I'm not taking sides. She is young (and stupid) and he is just weird. Bad match. Hope all is well with them lot.

Should men be present at the birth of their babies?

I was at Hammersmith today. This particular coffee shop, frequented by P.Diddy’s student...yeah, same people like last time, which my comment about them apparently caused some uproar. After that, I decided not to write what I hear, hence defeat the purpose of this blog kan? I like to write about day to day life...kutuk orang pun all in a days work jugak. But the more I thought about it, eleh..biaq lah apa orang nak kata. Empty vessels like that is everywhere, always lonelier cow moo louder than the friendlier one.

So back to this P.Diddy’s guy (PDG) A,C and P.Diddy’s girl B. Having a double whammy of sexist debate. Thank god tak cerita benda-benda boring but apparently PDG. C pi cakap kat kengkawannya yang after witnessing the birth of his first child decided not to be present at the second. Buntang mata ku mendengar nya. I was like...really thought that his first experience humbles him...kesian kat orang pompuan ke, hapa. But from what I gathered, he wasn’t present on the 2nd birth. He only assumed the role as a sperm donor. Charming. She has to be there still, though, right? You know, for twelve, or twenty hours or so. Bad luck, love.

Firstly, I have no intention of having children. Secondly, if I did, I certainly would not let the man look at that side of the action. I've heard horror stories of people never having sex again as a result, so best not to tempt fate. But can't the man even be in the same room? You know, holding your hand, giving you moral support? Well? My brother in law passed out dengan video cam nya sekali...tu baru my sister mengerang...baby pun tak keluar lagi. I doubt my Appa was in the labour with Amma. I can imagine dia tidur or baca suratkhabar.

This PDG.C said 'oh it's squishy and gory'. PDG.A (look like dah beranak pinak jua..or just developed parda willi disease since datang belajar ni?) pun tersongeh-songeh, tergeli-gelaman with a facial expression yang sikit lagi nak mengundang penampar free tu. Oh, poor thing...poor you lah Cik Abang oi. Women have to have their thing RIPPED OPEN. Tu tak termasuk yang kena mengusung perut sana sini for 9 months. There he was, sesedap rasa nya kata ‘squishy and gory’. No shit it's gory. Nak aje I sampuk, you only looked, you weren't on the receiving end, mate! The idea that then man was there for the fun bit so should be there for the screamy bit was met with ridicule. PDG. B actually said a few words of sense then took them back. This guy was like, 'you want him to share the pain'. I tell you, if I am part of that kononnya world debate, I will be screaming ‘Too fucking right I do! I'd want him to hurt like hell. Why not?

My sister told me that her hubby pi bisik kat dia after her 22 hours labour and how she incline to tumbuk her laki , it is now up to you lah kalau you nak beranak lagi ke tidak. Baik laki nya. You always dream to marry jantan considerate cam tu, bangun tengah malam buat susu, put the kids to sleep and what not. Sembahyang aje lah mintak jumpa jantan yang baik camtu. I remember some years ago, when Sheila Majid was still married to that beruang and when they were having their first baby together. How the beruang was in labour and his interview said he was so insaf and love Sheila even more. Poooodah! Gi kongkek orang gaji gak kan?

I think you better off having your Mum with you (sorry lah ye...you all) Husband should volunteer rather than be asked. If you have to ask, most likely your husband adalah set-set PDG.C. The poor men are traumatised! Poor things.

Honestly. It's bloody sickening. Thank God I never have to even contemplate this. People literally deserve all they get.

Karipap....and Facebook

I received a special parcel recently...ada karipap (walaupun dah short satu bungkus) kepuk lekor and few other stuff and telah sepantas kilat dicopet oleh sorang pompuan yang jealous, dengan alas an..alah kau tak pakai pun menda ni, kasik I aje lah.

Of course, it goes without saying how thankful I am with all that (dalam hati yearning for more dengan muka tatau malu nya) and impressed. I ni jarang dapat hadiah and I pun tak pandai nak mintak hadiah, tapi I suka,suka, suka dapat hadiah.

Because I melayu tak sedar diri and jumud (Ni mana/siapa ajar kau ni Bella?) I tak makan kepok lekor tu. Rest assured menda tu tak terbuang, Cuma terbuang dalam perut orang lain. Omputih kat rumah I kata, that karipap was the best she ever tasted (cam lain aje bunyik nya kan? Make me wonder if she is talking about something else, but omputih manalah tau massive Malay faux pas tu), and the risk of mengeciwakan Ratu Karipap Hull ittew.

Yesterday, I had a private meeting with my 2nd boss. First thing she said, Makji, I really like your Facebook status. Terkujat gak I since I’m not friend with my 2nd boss ni. Aishehh..terbongkar ke rahsia ku ber FB kat opis? I don’t think the meeting is about my FB status, and I know for a fact that ramai lagi orang kat HQ tu, jangan kata FB, siap ada Twitty laa..MySepes laa...Friendgangster laa...all that blarrrdy social networking.

Social networking is a misnomer if ever there was one. Sitting on your arse is a lot more accurate. My colleague told me that MySepes was a gift from God when she first found it, not having to phone your friends and men who were actually interested in the same things as you (even if they were only 16, haha). What a rarity. Once you turned off the band requests and realised that you were too old to talk to teenagers no matter how good their music taste, it was perfect. You can't knock that. She too enjoyed writing a blog on there, until she realised it was demented ramblings. Then, like everything else, the shine wears off.

I resisted Facebook for a LONG time, mainly because of the name, and it seemed more mainstream and 'townie' than MySepes. But then of course, curiosity strikes, and you have a look. I hated the fact you had to befriend someone to see their page at first (I just want to look at people from my past, not actually speak to them) but then I realised it was quite good that people couldn't spy on ME. I already had to make my FB profile private due to a friend going postal on me.

So now, after many months of thinking, soft persuasion and recommendation, I'm on Facebook. But something strange is happening. My past is being re-written. All those things you put in a box and sink, are suddenly floating to the surface. Nothing major at all (yet!): just ex-boyfriends that still look like teenage boys in your head now turning up bald, or worse, married. Your mates from school that you couldn't be arsed to stay in touch with now have wrinkles, or children. (Actually that's not true, I've only been in touch with one girl from school and she still looks like the teenager she was- bitch!) People you used to go to university with suddenly turn up having better jobs than you. It's outrageous. It's like a school reunion, except it doesn't stop at school, and it infiltrates your history, the very events that defined you become blurred. You wonder why you even fell out with that person, or if time can really heal everything. And it feels like it can, because everyone is just a square on a page, a face in a box and you can keep them there, you don't have to touch them, or let them see the reality of you.

I also made friends with strangers, and it took work to find actual people you knew, but on Facebook you go via your real name. Now people I work with (including my boss!) are there on the same page as the boy I went out with when I was 9, and someone who's heart I broke (well, probably not) and old friends and new friends who may not like each other, and family and it's just a big tayangan gambar.

What worse are the comments other people made you get to see and it is annoying. The laugh is annoying...the terminology is nauseating. I have this girl who is anti-government went on and on ranting about how Melayu kena tipu..pok pek pok pek. And suddenly FB is no fun. Yes..I have had her hidden. I have hide few others as well, including the Big Mommas and kumpulan budak-budak pandai.

It's good to keep these parts of your life separate. It's good to keep the past in the past. Yet it's morbidly fascinating not to. I want to know everything about everyone. And to pretend that I'm doing well, of course.The strangest bit is looking through the friends of that boy or girl you went to school with, and recognising loads of their friends. What do you do if they request to be your friend? You were never friends with them. But you feel a strange affection for them because they are from your home town and you remember playing rounders with them or going to the same birthday party as them once when you were 10. Suddenly you are looking at your home town through rose-tinted sunglasses when actually, it's just a dump full of tossers, all that not so nice people.(Ohh..tidak..orang Paroi Jaya orang baik-baik...)

Yes. Facebook is confusing. But it does have Fram Town. So I have to keep going back, and trying to remember how the past really was, not this sanitised version of it. It's a struggle to keep everything in boxes. Except Farm Town.

Hello you all….

Thanks for the comments. I have been unbelievably busy sampaikan bedding yang I tanggal 2 minggu lepas pun masih belum dicuci and disalin dengan bedding yang baru. Bak kata MB1, my room is now equal to a slum, even slumdog tu pun lagi chantekkkkk!!

I am really honoured to be read, and sometimes (sometimes aje..chehh) I felt so bad for not being able to respond to your comment.

For those who noticed yang comment nya tak kena published, saya mintak mahap lah ye. Although saya ni orang melayu yang berotak kuno and suka mengata orang, I still want to live in a happy place. Kalau kita tak berkenan dengan orang, kita sama kita tau cukup lah ye. Speaking of which we can’t always like people and their opinion.

We often come across thing that we dislike.Orang lah..blog lah…comment lah…gambar lah. The cheap humour is, kalau ada kawan dekat-dekat, bolehlah ngutuk sambil exchanging texts kan? I quite like to do this however the lady that I can do that with dok jauh kat Malaysia nun.

Conventionally, orang yang suka menghoyan ni tak yah lah dilayan sangat, walaupun adakalanya kita rasa nak cekik dia. People really like to be notice; some people will try to get notice in a way they know how. Ada orang his/her claim to fame is by being weird or kaki gaduh. Kalau tak kaki gaduh pun, kaki rasa sendiri bagus pastu habis kutuk orang lain…(ye..macam I lah) It is not always a bad thing though. Depending taste orang yang baca macam mana.

Apart from my never ending work, I have been up to nought lately. Personal wise, I stepped up my game in my own market, agreeing to go out with sesiapa aje yang telah di canangkan oleh mak pak ayam yang sungguh berkaliber. Out on a rebound ke aku? Tidakkk lah. Saja…to see what is in the market. I realised that apart from work, there’s really nothing for me to look forward to apart from tengok cerita yang Sky TV dok ulang-ulang until I can muntah darah.

One of my friend said (I have known her since pre university days ni) you should go out more lah Makji. You always are doing what people asked you to do. Now, you buat lah apa you nak buat.

Apa I nak buat? If I tell you apa I really nak buat, trust me Kiah would laugh sampai mulut koyak. But that got me thinking…apart from Appa suruh jadik lawyer, masa umur 17, I really wanted to do something else. But apakan daya…Appa paid for everything so I am so not in the position to melawan tokey that time. Although masa tu dapat scholarship yang sebanyak taik hidung tu, Appa lah ATM machine. So, kalau melawan maknya nya nak mampos lah tu.

Since 2,3 menjak ni I rajin tengok West End show, I dok perati all those actors yang semuanya talent ada 4 dalam 1. Boleh nyanyi…boleh nari…boleh belakon…boleh main music. Majority of actors semuanya pergi sekolah performing arts, ni bangsa..kalau nak jadik actors/singers/dancers and musicians biarlah yang ada kelas punya. Takdelah macam Kumpulan Restu, kepastian pengertian all that, yang hanya prektis nyanyi kat karoke club and prektis joget kat disco nah? Pastu bantai reramai ngorat Datuk/Tan Sri or their offsprings.

Percaya or tidak (Kiah) adalah suatu ketika I nak jugak belajar nak jadik performer ni. When I was in MRSM, adalah sorang gadis kota ni…(ceh, bapak dia Bankers you) dah le pandai nyanyi…pandai main music and qualified ballet dancer lagi. All at the age of 16! Katanya, umur 5 tahun makpak dah hambat masuk class hituhini, and main piano pun macam main tudung oren champion lak tu. But of course la…all that is for masa lapang and masa tak lapang is to study jadik lawyer.

I think my Appa did asked…how come anak-anak nya sorang pun tak musically inclined? How come we never asked to be sent to Piano classes? How to ask lah..if mintak monthly allowance pun kena leter things like…money is not eacy to come by lah, don’t think that Pa and Ma printing duit…all that brainwashing speech, just so you know that you should belajar masuk Uni and don’t play play.

Obviously now at 36, my motivation to (if I’m thinking about it) take up such courses, adalah untuk menaikkan keyakinan diri…(as I keep telling myself) I’m far too ugly to become pelakon or penyanyi but I quite like to use the skill to entertain all them people with learning difficulties, who could really do with proper entertainment.

Speaking of Malaysian entertainment industry, I can’t help to think that the industry is well controlled and how nepotism rules. If you pelakon, then you will introduced sesapa yang you kenal kat producer to ambik kawan/adik/anak buah/makbapak belakon jugak. Nak nak kalau producer tu ada bau bau kari…lagilah senang kan?

But hey…how do I know. I live in the UK…and everytime I balik KL, I still asked if Noor Kumarisini and Aida Rahim will be in the next Cerekarama. I only asked for Sheila Majid…and while semua orang suka Mawi lah..budak Mambau yang ghaso dio kelakar but most time geh nak tebeghak yo buek cenekeh…I still think that Jangan Ketawa is the funniest.

Sekian…saya yang bongkak.

Today's Thought

Mak datukkkk.....saya sungguh busy.

I think, the month of May is the month of 'Match-Making' kan Kiah? Tak cukup dengan my own parents coba menjodohkan aku dengan si Lenggang Kangkung tu, kawan-kawan se opis pun tak habis-habis nak introduce I dengan orang ittew la..orang ini lah. Yang terbaru ni (as in today) si pompuan Cockney ni, bless her cotton socks pi cakap kat I, dengan direct tanpa selindung-selindung nya, eh Makji...there's this new guy at OT Dept, might be suitable. He is Jewish, I figure that apart from Muslim boys, Jewish boys had theirs top off as well, innit? Is that what you like? (Cilaka punya pompuan!!!) I can assure you, she is not referring to his shirt.

I kinda announce to my colleague-colleague yang I dah rasa nak start berdating balik.Kiranya sekarang ni..anything goes lah...kalau nak introduce I dengan jantan, asalkan dia jangan ada misai or janggut...janggut kambing is a no-no.Taller than me...erm...erm..paling ideal kalau yang bangsa tak kisah kena tipu, maklum le aku kan ke sipemberi janji-janji manis.I really like Tom Hanks...versi Philadelphia. (Fag hag ke I?)

And as I am a firm believer of equal ops...kalau nak introduce dengan pompuan...I think I would prefer Thaila Zucchi lookalike...or Wan Zaleha (always). So Kiah..I have got over Raja Nadzrin...well, dengan keadaan Perak yang huru hara, aku pun tak kuasa lah nak menyusahkan diri kan?

I dengan si Padi seberang dah parted ways...nak tunggu masa aje nak kutip barang-barang I dari rumah dia. Enough is enough lah...

Speaking of which, it really make me re think about embarking on a new one. Cakap kemain berkobar nak mencari pengganti, tapi nanti buat sakit hati lagi. How do people stay married when they constantly rasa nak bunuh laki/bini masing-masing pun I tak tau.

Seriously, I was a good partner and girlfriend. I am so not the jealous type...nak main text message, nak tompang keta orang, nak flirt lebih-lebih depan or belakang mata, gasak kau lah. I am not territorial. To me, kalau nak menggatal sangat, blah lah kan?

Abg R sent a friend request to me via FB. Mulut I lah gatal gi cakap I ada account.Because kawan-kawan ada sejemput aje, nak jugaklah add, tapi bila pikir balik there's some of you also on my FB list, kang kantoi lak I. I really don't want to expose him and his kangkung.And no..he is not St Paul's boy. He's from STAR.

I am quite tempted jugak to make him one of my options...but since I am comtortable where I am, I should give that Jewish guy a go.

Go apa pun, tak tau lah Kiah.

Update

Makcik Pakiam was laid to rest 2 days ago. Somewhere in Northampton. Apparently, that is where is is originally from (apart from being a Pakistani)

I was asked to contact her family. I was told that they are not very pleasant and in fact one senior colleague had already contacted them. When I was told about the funeral, I asked if any of her next of kin is coming. Nobody knows. I went to Ladbroke Grove and requested her file. I called the senior officer. She told me about her encounter with the family but she think we ought to try some more. Maybe by now they may have softened. She asked me, would you like to try Makji? Okaylah..I give it a go.

Alhamdulillah, I got a better treatment. The magic of 'assalamulaikum' I supposed. Of course bila dia tahu I siapa, maka ber petir-petir lah jugak kan? Surprisingly, it was her father who is the kindest.

The things that I never tell anyone apart from you who read is that how I was 100 carat hypocrite. Yes, I am the Social Worker, the person allocated to manage her care, to protect her from her manipulator.

The family was hurt by her. She got herself pregnant at 16, unmarried. She lived like a British people, she smoked, she don't pray, she truanted, she was disrespectful to her parents. The pregnancy is the last nail and what they thought was best for her is to take her back to her roots. Teach her a lesson. They thought that was right.

I hated the fact that I had to agree with the family. I keep saying that I understand and I understand.What I actually don't understand is why, why on earth you have to punish her like that? Why can't you see that all this wasn't her fault to begin with? I'm sure if she lived in Pakistan, she would have turned up the same.

But I wanted them to come to her funeral. She needs her family to see her off. What I said to her father is that, yes she have sinned and she is most likely to be punish but she has already been punished. Allah has taken her. I told the whole family that this is the last they will see of her. I told them that Makcik Pakiam always talked about them, lovingly and that she is sorry. Of course...this is a lie.

Makcik Pakiam actually wanted her family to go to hell.

Yes, I have softened them. With a lie.

The family didn't turned up. It si too hurtful for them. But her parents asked me to send her their prayer, their love and their forgiveness.

I know Makcik Pakiam by now must have heard that. That is better than nothing. I hope she is thankful to me.

Perjodohan Sucheeee.....Episod: Berpoya-Poya

Respon No.1 - Encik KM, I'm not that keen on the idea of marriage should be treated like an experiment. Unlike berdating sana sini, marriage is a legal commitment, so banyaklah benda is at stake. Unless for those who is rich and tak kesah nak ber experiment berhabis duit. Pergi pinang, duit. Pergi beli hantaran, duit. Majlis tunang, nikah & kahwin duit. Honeymoon, duit. Naik turun mahkamah, hire lawyer tuptap tuptap pun duit. I'm sure Sultan Johor pun akan berkira juga, kalau duit banyak habis buat experiment. Furthermore, if money is not the object, it is rather unfair to ber experiment dengan hati orang. But siapalah saya...maybe I misunderstood about the intention of the intended experiment...kahwin after kahwin and after a while, you can become better at managing marriage ke like that? Entah lah..but nevertheless, I wish you luck in your search for a new wife.

Respon No.2 - Cik SukaTidoKatOpisTapiTakNgaku, apa you kata? Kalau orang nak match make tu, gi aje lah..kalau suka, suka.Tak suka tak apa, ke gitu maksud kau? If I am 26 and kalau yang me match make tu kengkawan, boleh lah buat camtu. Keluar lah suka-suka cam bohsia, suka hambik, tak suka babai. I'm already pushing 40.Although I may look 20 (hehehehe) it is a bit too late to nak buat matrix analysis bertemu jodoh ni. Yang tukang MM tu, amma, appa and someone close enough to be an aunty. Of course la ada maksud tersembunyi...ni bukan kena suruh pilih dan gores tawww? Ni macam perkahwinan kaplam yang sekali apa kata yes, anak pun kena kata 'sarre appa' tau tak? I doubt they are expecting kami berdua berdating kosong camtu..hi hi and bye bye.

Yes, I pergi jumpa Abg R tu. If I'm honest, kalau lah aku ni gatal sangat nak kahwin...there is no question of nak or tak nak. He is just like I always remember him, always considerate and make me feel at ease. Bukan ke orang laki macam tu yang kita semua nak (tak termasuk berjawatan tetap and ada status lagi)

There is many things to talk about from Yasmin Ahmad to MB Perak. It was a bank holiday weekend and semasa tino-tino gariks UK ni pergi Brussels makan sambal sotong and karipap, I gi dating minum kopi dengan Abg.R, berjalan kesana kemari...with him so berlenggang kangkung.I pun jalan berlenggan lah jugak, but without the kangkung laa...

It is so obvious he is not into me...or Angelina Jolie. But he is the anak mithali. I wasted no time telling him that I knew about the perjodohan, and how I think it is ridiculous given the fact that we have grown up to know each other as a potential siblings. We laughed about it. He told me if it is not me, his Mum would have made him marry another unsuspecting girl anyway. The fact that he was so open about how he feel about the MM thing, just cemented my suspicion (and what is already very obvious)

So, please don't tell me you came all the way to chat me up?

Takde laa...nak jugak jumpa. My mother takde cakap apa, but the way dia promote you and that I should think about settling down kinda give me the gist what she is up to.

Abg R did not asked any personal question, and kalau tak susah juga. I did not asked why he is still single either (or shall I not assume he is?)

As a tour guide, I took him around. He is a keen shopper (lagiiiiii suspect) and spent most time look see, look see and beli. We spent two whole day together before he board on Eurostar to Paris and I saw him again before he balik KL.

Yes, he is the type that I will agree to marry. But I'm sure all women would prefer that type to marry, if only they ever reciprocate similarly.

What are we going to tell our mother, and my father? Tungguuuuuuuuuuuuuu

p/s Cik DH Negara Gagak....bebawak lah bersabar ye. Biasalah orang tu kan suka menumpang glamer.

Update

This is just a mega exaggeration. Looking back...I did 3 posting pasal 'Perjodohan Sucheeeee'. Lain-lain hari lak tu...is sure killing Mak Bulu & NBNS. I'm more concern about Mak Bulu. Ada potential nak dapat cardiac arrest and me sending beraneka cekelat is not helping lah kan?

All that happened only in one day. Text message, phone calls to my sister, to my mother...phone call from Abang R and me being a perigi pergi mencari timba kat area W2 tu, all in one day you. Tapi bila part nak cerita kat you all...seminggu pun tak habis lagi ni...ngalahkan Sepet,Mukhsin and apa lagi cerita Yasmin Ahmad yang tajuk lain-lain tapi cerita macam sama aje.

(ni nak bagitau lah..dalam perborakan I dengan Abang R tu, mulutku yang mungil ni macam lagu aje criticised Yasmin Ahmad)

When he called me, of course lah aku buat-buat scenario blur kan...like...eh, Abang R mana ni (padahal dah tahu yang mana and dah tahu apa hajat nya) biasalah pompuan gatal...purak-purak tak tahuuu konon. Ever so sweet that he is, he re introduced himself and (maybe) try to make us feel at ease with each other. He told me he is in London, kat Malaysia Hall meeting his friend. So takdelah nak rush I, katanya. Kalau I tak busy, nak jumpa sebab dah lama tak jumpa and dia ada bawak rendang frozen for me yang dimasak khas oleh mak nya.

I asked if he can come to High St Kensington (ni bukanlah nak berlagak ye, you all...but it is better that place than tempat ramai student melayu tu) I told him that I never feel comfortable kat area student tu, tak tau lah pasal apa...agaknya pasal I ni pun bukannya student lagi and kiranya tak nak lah nak associate diri I ni dengan budak-budak pandai tu kan? Entah lah..susah nak cakap...but you somehow get the impression that melayu kat area tu macam territorial...and kita melayu dari area tak melayu ni macam takleh masuk aje. Macam tu lah rasa nya..(or is it just me yang paranoia bukan-bukan, Kiah?)

When Abang R was 13 and I was 12, unlike any other boys yang lasak and suka naik bicycle Wrangler they all tu ber kona-baring, he like to babysit my youngest sister, tolak pram, buat susu and anything domestic. He was so nice that I wish my own brother yang perangai ngalahkan pukimak (tooot) tu is like him...penyayang sungguh. Masa tu, I sungguh pemalu and even sekarang pun sungguh pemalu, so a girl can only dream in stealth..walaupun the dream tak lah berbau erotica (sebab masa tu syok dengan Acis Gersang & Ekamatra Boys)

See, reading back all the comments and sindiran-sindiran tajam orang ittew dalam blog nya, made me think hard.

I need more me time to think hard. Jumpa lagi.

Perjodohan Suchee....III (Episod Melawan Ibu)

Kepada yang memaksa-maksa tu, sila beringat yang I ni adalah careerwoman yang sangat berwawasan (eshhh..tak habis-habis ke aku ni nak menyindir kau Kiah?) so, takleh le nak hapdate sesedap rasa aje tau? And of course, I am all honoured with all the attention (not sure untuk aku personally ke or you all ni memang lapar gossips) sampai ada yang sanggup dicabul bangsa berbau kari, sorang takpe..tapi 5 sekali gus tu! Tak habis-habis ke you all berdua ni nak jadik Ning Baizura pulak?

Abang R has came and gone. Suffice said, the image of him bertahun-tahun dahulu dalam kepala hotak ku is still the same. He is the sort of person who looks good when aged. Macam I lah sikit-sikit..makin tua, makin nampak muda kan Kiah?

I was very angry with my Mum...obviously she cannot run lah after aku ambushed dia dalam telepon. The good thing is that I had more time to think before I made that call. Kita ni, sebagai anak-anak yang duduk jauh dimata mak ayah, mulut kena berpada-pada jugak kalau nak ber communicate dengan orang tua. My mother is a lovely woman...what she had to put up with all these years can bring tears to my eyes.I can write about me being and feeling angry but the truth is, the way she is, I can't even raise a voice.

Bila dah kena ambushed tu, her mengelak strategy of course lah kata...your Appa is worried about you. Duduk jauh..takde orang laki. Words after words uttered, bertambah kompem lah ni semua plan Ayahanda, although...the truth maybe...Ayahanda sure slow talk dengan mother whispering aku dah nak mati blablabla...and that he can only mati knowing that I am safe and ber laki. Agak nya lah....

So with anak teruna (tah ye lah si Abg R tu teruna...kalau tak orang tebuk dia..dia pun tebuk orang...huishhhh mulutku) trang tang tang dah datang rumah, ber career lagi...and boleh diharap lak tu, of course to Ayanhanda & Bonda yang tak lena tidur malam dek kerna anak nya yang sorang ni, he is like a godsend. Godsend tu pun satu cerita Kiah...kalau Mak si Abang R tu pun dah macam tak leh tutup mata dek risau anak laki nya takde orang pompuan jaga, plus the obsession nak merapatkan tali silaturrahim dengan my father, lagilah lajuuuuuuuuu aje program perjodohan ni kan?

My mother has all her cable connected for this purpose. Be mindful, this is not last week plan. Plan ni macam dah lama dah kira nya. Ghope-ghope nya, dia dah pakat buat promo kat my sisters and the people who I am in close speaking terms, to smooth things up. So, that kind of explains why aku dapat email-email berbau indecent proposals aje from my sisters and cousins..like

i) Email from adik no. 1 - 'pssst..aku dengar ada eligible bachelor suda syiok dengan lu...hensemmm....apa lagi, rembat lah'

ii) Email from cousin no.1 - 'kau ni bilo laie...kalau ko maun, den ado calon...osah hensem eh..pecayo lah cakap den'

iii) Email from cousin no.2 - 'I think it is about time you settle down...one handsome fella is waiting for a yes'

Macam siyallllllllllllllll kan? Of course lah, this perjodohan (not only with Abang R) is not yesterday's news. So bila I dapat email-email diatas, hatiku yang berdebup-debap-debab ni takdelah rasa sangsi ke hapa...ni lah yang dapek eh bilo besedagho mo puak-puak gampang ni.

So when I called my mother, letting her know yang I dah tahu apa plan nya, she let down her guard...thinking that I was up to it as well. Ohh tidak kata ku! Amma pun..janganlah macam tu. I said to her, don't do this again. Dia cakap kat I, kau tak nak ada kawan ke? See, bila mak-pak tanya pasal kawan, of course lah they're referring to 'that' type of kawan. So, sebagai careerwoman yang berwawasan lagi bongkak, I pun jawab lah...I got lot of things in my way,nak buat tu ini..nak beli tu ini...I don't want any kawan yet. Amma said...you can still do all that even when you have 'kawan'. I pun jawab..I don't want to talk about it..I'll call again soon. Terus bye bbye bye and letak tepon.

So, tidak kurang hajar..tapi tetap melukakan hati ibu githoo....how to win lah, Kiah?

Tapi kan..dalam tak suka, tak nak kawan...pi jumpa juga.

Babai Kiah....

My Autistic Child

One of my closest cousin called me last night...to tell me news about her daughter.

The girl is 4 this year and is their only child. My cousin wanted another but hubby not very keen. With they both working, hubby feels that she ought to wait until their eldest 'besar sikit' then baru buat another. My cousin mulalah berpikir yang bukan-bukan whereby I keep telling her that hubby's excuse is valid. He is being practical...I told her that (maaf you all) orang melayu, yang jantan tak ramai yang practical. It is like having banyak anak or beranak cepat-cepat macam nak show off dengan sedara mara and to prove a point yang depa orang tu sihat lah gamak nya.

My cousin's daughter was only recently diagnosed having Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Her speech was delayed and tah hapa-hapa lagi lah developmental yang kiranya slow (Ohh..I wouldn't know) but I keep telling her don't rush things...bebudak tak semestinya berjalan when they reach 1. She is all that stressed and somehow I secretly think that maybe hubby taknak grant her wish for another baby, kalau dah sorang camni punya stress, kalau 2,3?

I keep telling her not to worry and to keep only with her daughter's pace. She seem to hang on to her paedtrician's words. Orang kata anak you autistic, after test itu, ini..score certain points and teruslah my cousin ni gundah gulana...tak cukup dengan gundah gulana aje, she has now saying that the hubby is not supportive.

See, people like asking you for advice. But, they not necessarily want to listen.We often stuck between two or maybe three junctions here...nak dengar cakap orang ke or nak dengar kata-kata expert ke or, buat research sendiri, satisfy our own worries etc, etc.

My patients are mostly Autistic adults. Adalah sana sini underlying issues but diagnosis they all tu sama aje. We all semua ada autistic traits but the good thing is it is too minor that we are aware of it and made jokes out of it. Some people can't. That's how she/he is.

My heart goes to all young parents with disable child. Autism is a form of brain defect. Tak boleh nak ubat pun but boleh diperguna dengan cara yang betul. Macam orang yang lahir takde tangan lah...make do aje lah dengan apa yang ada...who knows they never need the hands anyway..kan?

I nak cakap dengan my cousin tu, kalau anak dia slow, biarlah dia slow, sebab dah memang tu speed nya. She should just learn to be patient a bit more and find out a way to help the child without making it a great big issue. People with Autism have a mind of their own, nak bagi input lebih-lebih to keep up with kanak-kanak normal pun tak leh juga.The last thing you want to do is to impose more psychological damage.

There's plenty of evidence of break up marriage and keluarga tunggang langgang dek tak boleh nya nak cope dengan disable/problematic child. What we can do is to treat them like a human...kalau budak, layan macam budak lah...kalau dah dewasa, layan macam dewasa. Don't discriminate. We often think that discriminating is to single out one of another, but layan seseorang tu lebihan biasa dari orang lain sebab dia ada disability pun kira discriminate juga.

Tu lah dia aku nak bagi message secara telepathy kat my cousin ni...harap-harap dia dengar lah hendaknya.

Kepada Cik Anonymous

Kepada penunggu-penunggu kesudahan cerita Perjodohan Suchee ku, terima kasih atas komen-komen anda dalam comment box saya.Hehe he..nak jawab sesatu, ada aja halangan, maklum lah berblog dalam opis yang tidak ada privacy ni. Lainlah I ada private opis beserta dengan settee empuk, maka rajin lah I update selang sehari and menjawab komen-komen you all.

Well, dalam banyak-banyak komen yang I dapat, ada sorang Makcik ni yang meminta nasihat and memandangkan dia pun tak kisah orang lain tahu hal tepi kain nya, I dah pun menngunakan teknik canggih cut and paste, dan menghebohkan problem dia dalam posting I kali ni. So read on...

makji maap la off topic, since kita sama sama fomfuan, i nak tanya pendapat u la, gini, my ex (my 1st love) who dumped me months ago after "dapat madu, sepah dibuangnya" (i lah tu), contact i semula semalam, katanya da lama tak dengar cerita bout me, nak jumpa i lagi katanya.dalam hati memang i tak nak jumpa dia lagi since i tahu dia hanya gunakan i, nak seronok dengan i and then dump me again. but dalam hati i ni jugak ade perasaan yang teringin nak jumpa dia lagi sebab i still love him walaupon i tau he only use me untuk napsu serakah dia.what i should do makji? i know i am stupid if i letting him use me again, but believe me, i've tried so hard to forget about him and moved on with another guy, but bayang dia still ada dalam hati i.why kita fomfuan mudah lemah ye makji? terima kasih kalau u jawab masalah i ni, kalau tak jawab sebab u busy, pon i tak kisah, sebab i memang nak share with all your readers my kisah so they all can make it as tauladan. don't be like me, no dara lagi because of jantan macam itu.sekian.

So, what can I say to you, Miss Anonymous....

First of all, I am sorry for your misfortune. Generally, siapa yang suka kena tinggal? Nak nak dengan first love.

However, at the risk of upsetting you, I don't think that your issue is genuine enough to warrant you getting all stressed out. Please understand that I am only reading your problem and not listening to you in person and to be quite honest spoken and written words can similarly tell what you actually have in mind. But whether this is true or not, I tak kan tahu.

You seem to focus more on you and your loss. Because of this, I don't think your issue is serious. Well, in a broken relationship, the common casualties are often ourselves, the children and anything materially important to both parties.

You grieve for your lost virginity...and I hope you don't mind me saying this but I like to think that both of you consent to this, so as much as you think he gained 'you', he wouldn't so had you said no.

You said you know his intention of resuming contact with you and you feel that he is using you. Would that not be easy to decide whether you should yes or no? Like I said, siapa yang suka kena tipu, kena guna? Do you not think that divorced woman feel the same, even ada yang dah kena cerai pun, laki datang balik pujuk rayu..have intercourse and dia blah lagi camtu aje?

The good thing in your story is...for you is that you have moved on. Sometimes ada jugak orang susah nak move on dek chenta gilababi dengan kekasih lama.Somehow dalam cinta-cinta you managed this.Count your blessing lah.

You nak bersedih and menyesal pasal madu dah habis and sepah dah kena buang juga pun tak guna juga. Loving someone is a selfless matter and as sane person, we do know what we're in for. Laki/boifren, kalau orang lain tak ambik, tuhan ambik.If your virginity matters much to you, you have a good reason to forget him since you seem to menyesal betul dah tidur dengan dia then kena tinggal and knows his motive to contact you balik.

You can't forget him is understandable. But I think what bothers you is something else. All I can think of is that you feel angry that you have been used...sexually.

I just hope that is not true...and I apologise if I upset you. But this is what I think and since you're asking. You dah ada boifren baru...kalau yang ni baik orang nya and boleh harap...lupakanlah siamang yang lama tu.I think you can do that easily...since you hated the fact that you lost your virginity to him and did not end up with him in the end.

I wish you well.

Sekian,
Makji Esah Yang Bermulut Puaka.

Perjodohan Sucheeeeee....Part II

So you think, at 36 years, para Mak dan Bapak akan pencenlah daripada menyuruh anak nya gi kahwin.

When my sister gave birth to my parents first cucu 10 years ago, I thought...weh, I am now safe. After a while, all the fuss about suruh you kahwin is for them to get the Datuk/Nenek title disamping nak lak tunjuk kat orang Paroi Jaya tu yang awak pun ber cucu lah jugak. Yes...for a while, the pressure was off me and my eldest brother (yang also baru tahun lepas kawin nya)

Speaking of pressure, I like to stand corrected...Appa and Amma tak pernah memaksa. Hanya soklan-soklan yang menyeksa jiwa and every male that I come in contact with habis disangka bakal menantu. Sampaikan I nak ber PR lebih-lebih kat kedai roti canai pun takut.

When I was seeing my ex for the 2nd time, Appa was mad. Mana tak nya, reporter tak bergaji Appa sudah kasi tau yang si Pakcik tu laki orang. Habis kau..keluar segala ceramah agama, if not agama-related not, keluar speech yang 'I'm a man, I know what sort of man that is'. Ceh...

Appa and Amma eventually resigned from nak suruh I kawin...and you know, if kita ni boleh kawin dengan pokok kelapa, I sure have done just to do the kahwin thing. Tak...kita misti kawin dengan jantan..so, kalau jantan is pokok kelapa yang hanya berbuah, menjadi tua dan mati, maka hidup kita akan senantiasa bahagia. But jantan is not Pokok Kelapa...they are jantan, blessed with perangai jantan.Pokok Kelapa never talk back..habis-habis marah pun, dia pakat tumbang atas rumah sipemarah nya.

Amma still tried. Last raya...during the takbir, she foretold me siapa bujang, siapa duda, siapa US or UK scholar...macamlah I nak kawin dengan orang sekolah tinggi aje. But as always, I will buat donno and dissapeared from home for couple of days...telepathically telling her, matchmaking plan is not on, so stop now.

I forced my sister to reveal apa plan nya Amma ku kali ni...but she said she tamau masuk camput. Elehhh...if she tak nak masuk campur she would not have told me via text message kan? Paksa-punya paksa, dah aku blackmail aku tak nak beli baju baby GAP anak dia, barulah dia cerita you all.

Couple of months back, Abang R's mom visited my Appa...my Appa kan sakit, so Cik G (Abang R's mom) stayed in Seremban for a week. Cik G now lives in KL with her anak tunggal, Abang R who is now a doctor Kiah oiiiii....

Menurut sumber CNN yang boleh dipercayai (according to my sister, although I'm not sure who is she referring to as CNN, sebab dia pun CNN juga) dalam seminggu dia bermastautin kat rumah my parents tu, both mum (mak aku dengan mak Abang R) start lah wallowing self-pity yang kami-kami ni (me and Abang R) apalah nak jadi...umur dah lanjut (kurang hasam nya) tapi belum lah nak kawin-kawin lagi. Tah hapa antu jemalang yang dah mencocok 2 para ibu ni sewaktu bergossip pasal anak sendiri, tetiba lak terkeluar cadangan ( I swear, kalau lah aku tau siapa yang membuat usul ni, siap dia) eh..apa kata kita jodohkan si Esah dengan si R...sama elok, sama padan...(menurut sumber CNN....mind you, si CNN ni ada tendency menambah perisa tawww)

So, they must have planned it for month, and knowing Abang R yang bangsa ikut cakap mak, maka that must have brought him to London.

I was so so angry kat my Mum ni....desperado kah I????

I hung up on my sister, so that she will get the message yang aku dah angin tahap syaitonnn dah ni and will convey that to my Mum.

Belum sempat pun aku nak digest the thought of my Mum dah start balik kerja part time sebagai agency cari jodoh, phone I pun bunyi...and 0207 number keluar....sahihnya dari London. Berdebup-debap-debab I you.....

Babai Kiah.....

Perjodohan Sucheeeee....

Salam semua....(tak pernah kan..tetiba aje bermoral pulak ari ni nak bagi salam...)

Recently, semasa semua warga tua/mua dalam UK ni ber chotti-chotti May Day Bank Holiday (ada jugak puak2 yang gi Brussels/Paris, makan sotong masak cili..sakit hati aku) I memenuhi tawaran berdating kat area W2 nun..Manal oi.This guy, macam lah takde tempat lain nak ajak aku jumpa...tapi apakan daya..dah tempat itu aje yang di reti nya.

Kiah, trusting her will now think that I am some sort of pompuan liar..asal jantan ajak jumpa, terus jumpa. Well Kiah..kalau le teman ni orang Kampung Bota Kanan, maybe pikir 2,3 gak le nak accept-accept invitations. But this is a special case.

Pepagi buta lagi my sister in KL sent me a text message, kata nya si Abang R is coming tu London and is hoping to see me. My sister also said, you will be expecting his call pasal nya Amma, sebagai telephonist 118118 yang bertauliah, telah memberikan nomor telepon ku pada jantan yang nggak ku tahu whether dia ni ganteng ke idak Kiah oii.

It took me a while jugak lah to think, siapalah gerangannya Abang R ni...ni semua dah pakai option 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend pun masih I tak ingat. So adakah saya kena telipon Lathika untuk mendapat jawapan nya? I sort of know who he is but this is like ages,ages ago when I'm still in my primary school.

Because my sleep was disturbed by the text message beep and Abang R news, I managed to sleep over it for few hours and I woke up remembering who he really is.Terror nya...bermain-main dia dipikiran ku.

Abang R is one year older than me and somehow we are related. His mother is my father bau-bau kentut telur relatives and his Opah fostered my father when his mother (my father's birth mum passed away) So both mother and father were close macam adik beradik lah kira nya, but because my father ni set-set anak lupa daratan yang keluar kampung masuk Sandhurst terus tak balik-balik lagi, maka dah jarang-jarang lah jumpa. Abang R used to come and stay with us during school holidays and I remember my mother sayanggggg sangat kat dia.Ceh! I think my father must have feel strongly about him too, especially after Abang R's father passed away (kesian..kecik2 bapak dah mati kan?)

My mother must have sayang him because Abang R is not the typical boy like my brother. Abang R is very rajin, tolong my mother masaklah..jemur and lipat kain..siram bunga..anything apart from kerbau balar macam my brother. My mother used to give the speech about how we all should be like him, so berdikari, tak nyusah hati mak..dia sedar diri Bapak nya dah takde...and how you all (we all anak-anak kandung nya ni) is soooo lucky makpak masih ada and tak reti bersyukur (ohh so typical of my mother)

I last saw him when I was in form 2...and dia ni nak ambik SRP and terus tak jumpa dah pastu. He must have keep in touch with my mother all these years. I remember last he was good looking, kemas, fair skinned lagi..dengan rambut lurus ala-ala budak pintar githoo.

That age, mana lah kita ni tau what people refer to Mat-Mat Jambu kan????????

I thought he is...now that I am much older and more incline to believe what we thought we saw.So when I woke up, I realised who he is and quite keen to see how he is after all this years...

So, I called my sister back ..nak tanya, apa ke halnya dia datang? My mother kirim barang ke? etc, etc, and my sister yang mulut lagi lebar dari mulut buaya ni terus cakap...'dia nak pi tackle kau lah...his mom and our mom asked him to'

Pitammmm Makji......(bersambung)...babai Kiah!

Saya, Mummy & Mama

I have now amassed 130 friends in Facebook. Isk..kiranya ramailah tu..though it does take me by much much surprise, kerna apasal lak virtual friends I ramai nak dibandingkan dengan kawan-kawan yang boleh dirasa kewujudannya secara physical?

Out of 130, yang tak pernah jumpa tapi kalau chat macam dah kenal 10 tahun ada dalam 3,4 orang.These are people who brave enough to try their luck tracing me from the smallest clue possible from reading my blog into tracking me virtually. Mekaseyyy Kak MayJuneJuly lah you alll...I sungguh terharu. Insya Allah, nanti bulan 9, I akan mencemar duli datang makan Ikan Masak Lada kat rumah you kat Kedah tu naa...(muka tatau malunya!)

10% of the 130 people, is my sekolah rendah friends in PD. Yes you all...I dedulu orang PD and walaupun I dok PD lama, I memang takde masanya nak bercanda dipasiran panteyyy tu.Asal cuti sekolah aje travel, asal cuti sekolah aje rumah tertutup kerna masa tu Appa dah kena posting to places like Addis Ababa, Canberra, Nigeria, Amman and some gagak country yang ku tak pasti. I always wonder, apsal lah Appa tak pernah dapat posting tempat yang glam-glam macam New York ke, dapatlah kami adik beradik nak berlagak kan? I was quite excited getting reconnected with all my kawan sepermainan yang majority sekarang ni, kalau tak main dengan anak-anak, they all main dengan laki or their bini.Lucahsss nya! If I am not mistaken, it is now about 13 to 15 of them in my list and still counting.

Tah hapa puaka nya Facebook la ni, changed its layout and all you can see now is people talking to each other rather privately and sometime, their conversation is too annoying for my liking..(ohh, sedapnya mulutku mengata..macamlah sendirik punya conversation dengan orang perfect gila kan?)

This two girls from my class, sekarang ni dah jadik mak orang...sorang tu ada 4 anak and yang sorang tu ada 2 kot.Alhamdulillah...happy tengok kawan-kawan ada family nak dibandingkan dengan aku ni yang habuk pun takde kan, Kiah? This two mak orang...both careerwomanz (tataulah career apa, tapi boleh ber facebook dopopat jam dalam opis githoo) selalulah trade messages in each other's walls...kenkadang tu 3,4 kali pulak sehari. (mana kau tau ni Esah? Ngata orang..kau pun ber pesbuk ari-ari tak soda)

The two mums trade recipes lah...homely remedy lah..anything mums talk about on a daily basis. Thanked heaven...tips-tip penjagaan laki tak ada kalau tak...tataulah apa nak kata. Mana perginya maruah kita sebagai ibu and isteri mithali, hal MOT laki pun nak pi cerita kat orang?

What bothers me is not their mumsy nature. See, saya menghormati para-para ibu. My two younger sisters are ibu themselves although at the rate they are going, I'm thankful aku ni bukan anak they all. Dah le kena paksa bangun pagi hambat gi sekolah (umur camtu dah kena paksa) pastu ada kelas petang lah..tambahan lah.Mak oii...takde masa bebudak tu nak berfeeling Jay Jay or Syed Sobrie macam Mak Ngah dia dulu.They all punya kelas agama..macam lah bebudak tu nak training jadik pegawai-pegawai Jabatan Islam etc.Mak they sendiri pun masa dulu takde kena paksa dengan begitu sekali.But I don't know what to make of that...parents have their own idea of how their children should turn out.With father like ours, I just thought my sisters learnt their lessons not to overpushed..but siapalah diriku untuk memberi pandangan, after all, their parents are well educated one.Eh..ni apahal ngumpat my sisters lak ni?

Okehh..this two mummies...one call the other 'Mummy' and the other call the other one 'Mama'. Of course lah, kalau they all tu dah ber Mummy Mama, their laki hereinafter bestowed with Daddy and Papa. One day...the wall message say ' Hello Mama, Mama buat apa tue? Mummy hari ni malas nak masak..Daddy ajak dinner kat Roma aje'. Ye lah..ye lah. I asumed the word 'tue' is tu. Orang kat Malaysia sekarang ni dah bantai pakai all those abbreviations yang I tak paham.

Satu dua kali, okay laa...tapi bila message-message semakin menjadi lak gedik nya...I just wish I can tell them to communicate via private mailbox instead.

As I am writing, I start to think how irrational and selfish I can be. Kesian...Mummy and Mama tu, tak pasal2 jadi bahan tulisan. I keep preaching about 'let's just read things with open mind'. and I find myself menyampah tahap King Of Leon to their kata ganti nama. My other friend reckoned that I jeles..pasalnya orang tu happily married and are proud mommies. Happily married ye? Yo lah..apo apo lah.

Jeles tu takde laa...but, what is with Mummy and Mama? It is too mengada lah, don't you think? Is this a new style? Nak tanyo Tijah ni...ado tak kengkawan bas sekolah ekau yang meng gola an diri eh 'Mummy, Omak, Ibu' bilo ber tipun mo kawan-kawan? Raso cam tak do tapi kok lah ado, iyo eh raso nak menjolok tokak kan? Buek cenekeh yo...malu Uwan Kampung Jiboi.

Can I see myself calling Kiah 'Mummy'? Well..I give it a try la ye...'Mummy...I balik KL bulan Sept ni..boleh tak kira nya Mummy buat ayam goreng kayu cengal and tahu sumbat, and I can come to bukak puasa?'

Sila jawab dengan kasih sayang ye...

19, 23, 36, 62 & 66

19 - On my way home yesterday, macam biasalah..I will telephone rakan serumah tompangan I (isk..semenjak kena keluar dari rumah omputih tu, I ni dah takde fixed place of abode, so if I'm not sleeping at work or some hotel murahan tajaan opis, I menompang teduh kat rumah MB's) ye lah, since I'm on the road and tahu sangat pompuan-pompuan nan bertiga tu (MB's campur dengan ibu mertua kiewww) kalau dah terdampar kat rumah, tak kan adanya nak keluar balik. So dengan sifat courtesy yang tinggi (tak macam flight steward yang takde courtesy ittew) I will call and ask, you all nak apa-apa ke...like makdonna ke, kayhepchee ke, rocks ke...susu skimmed milk ke (ni yang selalu lah). So MB Putih kata, please can you get me a rokok and I pun sementara menunggu bas yang macam puaka lah lambat nya (after 7pm, bus punya regularity kan macam pundekk!!!) I pon masuk lah kedai Si Gangga Patel ni (nama rekaan tu) Hmm... I used to smoke, tapi underground punya smoking lah...ni kes amma tatau, appa? Lagilah tatau...hiks. My amma memang tak suka sangat rokok, tapi takdelah anti-rokok like appa, although I must tell you, Appa was a heavey smoker dijaman seluar sapu jalan tu. He only quit when I was diagnosed with asthma...quite a chronic type jugak le when I was 5 or 6 githoo...and the Dr cakap, my asthma was due to the asap rokok. So, siapalah yang usual saspek nya melainkan bapak ku mithali tu? Apparently he hated himself for that..ye lah, I kan anak kesayangan, sekarang dah sakit kuat. Amma said, she told him to quit SO MANY times, but my appa is the alpha male and of course, a male...mana ndaknya dengar cakap bini, walaupun bininya tu serba tahu of segala masalah kesihatan ni..don't play, play...just because amma don't have that D title, all her medical opinion was quashed.So after that, we never have smoking influence in the house..until lah one day, my anakku Sazali eldest brother dengan bongkaknya gi hisap rokok openly when we went for a relative kenduri kahwin..in a full clear view of Appa & Amma...I was told, he got the terajang tahap 8 from Appa and lecture 'nanti kau mati bla..bla..bla..' from Amma. Did he quit? He was still smoking when I saw him last...so, that prove the point that man never listen...maybe they will on your death bed. So back to the story yang aku ni isap rokok..oi Kiah, kau hengat kau sorang ke? Ni semua peer pressure (takdelah pressure apa pun..sajalah nak glamer) and it became worst masa I berterbangan di awan, worst as in, mesti ada rokok bila gi clubbing, untuk mencukupkan syarat. It is just for fun.Dalam fun-fun pun, I grow tired of lying when my brother found the ciggarette packet in the car...asyik dok cakap ada orang punya. I never got confronted but after a while, the need to show off by flicking ciggarettes depan orang mula pudar. So, saya jadi tukang beli saja. I never know what and how to ask for ciggarette at the shop, selalunya kalau dah terpampang depan mata, I will point, bayar and blah. So yesterday when MB Putih suruh I beli rokoknya, I terkial-kial gak lah nak cari. I was looking up and down and jumpa, so I point and ask for it. Tetiba...

Gangga Patel : Are you over 18?
Makji Esah : Terdiam...sambil membuntangkan mata...
Gangga Patel : You got ID with you?
Makji Esah : I have already passed 30.

Gangga Patel masih jugak ber incredible hulk tak nak jual rokok tu kat I. Nak tengok ID katanya. Tetiba, my Boss telephone..and sebelum dia mintak hupdate pasal Makcik Pakiam, I asked my Boss to do me a favour, to verify my age and dah tunjuk semua credit card Baru lepas. I'm not sure if I was supposed to be flattered being mistaken for younger person. In fact Kiah, they thought I was 18...so aku taknak membuat kau lari terjun jematan. But I often got mistaken as a student.

23 & 36 - I started working and mengumpul harta sendiricarian since I was 23. I was with a UK bank for a while sebelum balik for good (kiranya) ke Malaysia. Balik-balik aje, tak sempat nak menikmati tanahair, terus kerja. I was an auditor with KUBB, yang rasanya dah tak ujud lagi kat PJ tu. My income was so ciput...and it was pre recession, junior auditor didn't get much. But I changed career after that, to more (konon nya) challenging (pirraaa mabuk) job. The pay was beautiful, tak cukup dengan duit yang berkepuk, ku sajikan piula dengan apartment yang tersergam indah.I quickly amassed duit yang manyak and i bought my first property when I was 25. (Ni pun macam tipu, sebab appa tolong sikit-sikit..only for me to sell it off tak cakap dengan dia) And now at 36, I'm trying to buy a flat kat sini..yang serata alam tahu, sungguhlah mahal nya and there's no appa and amma to help. I really need to do this...kesian kalau kawan datang kena hantar go hotel and bertambah kesian lagi when i kena share bilik tidur I dengan kucing sundal tu. Ciss!!! When I first took up a job here, I thought that it is going to be like 2 years thingy..or so I said to appa for his permission.But now dah semilan tahun...tu belum campur all the years I spent outside home, dah bila campur tolak bahagi darab...I have left Malaysia since 1991, baliknya kejap 1995. kerja dekat 6 bulan and terbang lagi...balik kejap 1998 and end 1999, terbang lagi. So I feel like dah tua sangat and will not know where to start again in KL, so I decided to stay put and beli rumah...though akan kecewalah appa, sealed his prediction that I was never coming back. Alah..balik. Bukan sekarang aje...relaks laaa.

62 & 66 - For a long time, my weight is stagnant at 62. Dulu kala lagi selimmmmm...58-59 with 5'8 height. But dah tua and makan pun cam anak babi, selamat tinggallah kan 60kg and below. Tak apalah. As long as I can fit into size 12, kira happy lah ni....not until recently. I had an accident at work and hurt my back and was prescribed Diazepam for 2 days.Siyal nya! And last week I saw my GP, told him that my back pain is coming and going but is still there dan menyakitkan hati. So he weighed me. Tupppp..66kg!!! macam manalak aku boleh tertambah isi ni? Dah le kerja kuat ngalahkan peladang kelapa sawit pastu kejar bus,kejar keretapi..kena kejar anjing lagi..boleh ke naik 4 kilo?! My GP yang takde sosial skill tu cakap..try to lose weight and maybe it can reduce the stress on the injury. Lose weight? Padahal my weight tu kira stable lah..aku aje yang perasan Kate Moss kenkadang nak selim-selim.On top of that, my thyroid telah membengkak dengan jaya nya and it hurts when I try to swallow my food. So, sejak semalam, I makan bubur and soup aje.sakit hati I.So dengan erti kata lain...saya telah debab and mesti selim kembali untuk membaiki belakang. Oh..kenapalah? I really want to know macam mana 4 kilo tu boleh menjelma..adakah kerna aku makan cake dengan JT? So, shall I now potong kek pulak dengan dia? Shall I..shall I?

Sekian

May Blues

I am always the last one..or perhaps too slow in retrieving juicy stories i.e. gossips, hot-hot news etc.One may ask...why lah nak sebok-sebok? Another may ask, dah duduk oversea bertahun, masih gak nak berpikiran melayu lama macam Kiah (walaupun self proclaimed cream de la cream tu) , suka sibuk-sibuk hal orang ni? (Geez, I learned a lot, didn't I, since membaca entry-entry berilmiah ni)

One of this blog reader once told me that he..(ye..jantan ni) is quite anxious of the prospect of knowing me in person, because he fear that I might 'read' him. Funny though, them jantan always say 'we males don't do gossips'. Ntah nya. Maybe they don't lah kot...tercabar ke musculine an mereka tu, but o'dear, they do worry about benda-benda sekecik sabun Popinjay yang kaler ijau tu like...what people think of me, like that. Kelakar, cakap tak suka gossip, tapi kalau orang gossip hal dia, hah..runtuh langit dek risau, kan? This guy, I assume that he might think my job involves analysing people and discussing them. Yes, that is so true...but we Social Workers (dah le bergaji paling rendah dalam UK ni) don't just analyse anybody. We don't give advice too...eh, we do, but only when required to.

But I have said before. I carried this habit at work and impose it into my social life (dah le tak banyak mana punggg) and I do sometimes, read and analyse people...especially the one that gave me the bad vibes. And all that information, adalah menjadi tajuk gossip yang dijadikan bahan mengumpat kat kedai kopi DOME tu, bersama Dentist Bini Orang and Miss AA. Syok kan?

I have to say, I don't easily dislike people. I think I know what it feels like to be disliked, it's horibble and I never like to see people being mistreated.

When I walk into all the secure unit I am attached with and other halfway houses that I co-managed,I keep telling myself that this is just a job and the horrible people are horrible because they are not well inside. I do form my opinion and sometimes, I have a horrible opinion about them, especially when I am angered.But in the end, these people have specific conditons, and paranoid is one of them and the only way to make themselves feel better about themselves is by hurting people.

I think it is hard for me nowadays to just tell the tales how it is...as people who reads forms many-many opinions and tak pasal-pasal terasa yang bukan-bukan. It is also sad to hear that one can no longer express an opinion, however silly we may think and in the end become the object of ridicule.

My mother is not a well studied person, compared to my father and from time to time, she will come up with some Q and A yang sungguh tak masuk akalnya more so very kelakar that me and my younger sister will laugh AT her.But she is my mother and however tak masuk akal, she meant well. She saw more things than me and however tinggi nya I belajar (takdelah tinggi macam Kiah) there is more things that she know more than me.

I spoke to my friend recently and how he/she is now consumed with anxiety of not speaking the way we used to, dek tak mau nya orang lain tersalah anggap.

All I want to say here to you who read, is to just read and maybe learn from what is available to learn. There's no need to be so melodramatic. After all, we are all friends, sebanyak mana kuat mengumpat pun. Friends and friends do talk about each other, sometime in nice and horrible way. What we don't do is slander and start to behave in a super mighty way thinking that we are above others.

Mulut yang mengata pun mesti ada brake jugak...yes, your heart will go on and mulut yang mengata/mengutuk pun, dah habis rasa marah dihati then habislah. Tak yah buat hate campaign pulak.

We are not perfect ourselves, (yang tukang tulis pun sama jua) and surely we do not want to go around with reputation of being the complicated one.

Of course, we must not condone mulut-mulut yang jahat...but I'm sure, we are all up for just a laugh. Do we not think that sometimes, question asked and entries written is just to see how one reacted? I read about some people who was slandered left-right-centre, name called and tah apa lagi benda-benda teruk written about them, and all we saw was a dignified silence.

I think, betul or salah pun, kalau yang betul...belajarlah dari kesilapan. Kalau yang suka pau duit orang, expecting orang aje belanja dia makan/minum, maybe pasni..bersama-sama lah keluar duit kan? Kalau yang suka jadik mandur bila datang rumah orang, paksa masak itu ini buat karipap bagai...belajar-belajar lah buat karipap sendiri kan?

Oh, what am I blabbering about? Yes, it is about Kiah. Just because kau pandai and ada super power, maka tak payah lah kau nak mengata aku yang kurang berpendidikan ni ye?

So, Kiah...I am expecting to see a respond in your blog (and Facebook)

Muahahahahahahaha....

First, I would like to thank those who follows this blog. Tang mana yang Cik-Cik semua rasa minat, saya pun tidaklah mengerti. This page is hardly informative. In addition, ada yang dah sakit hati. Laa...kepada mana-mana yang ada syndrome cepat terasa tu, tak apa lagi yang hendak ku kata selain dari berhentilah membaca, kan?

I don't read (leisurely) a lot. Kepala otak sudah tepu, yang hanya boleh dibaca pun blog-blog yang penulisnya adalah manusia yang hidup dibumi nyata. I tend to read more flat tales tak menyakitkan kepala, something that can induce laughter and of course lah, sebagai seorang melayu, saya suka membaca gossip berunsur kutukan-kutukan membina dan memupus.

Secondly, Cik Amris...(or Encik?) no, I do not fancy si JT tu. So, being denial about my feeling (supposedly for him) is rather irrelevant. Maybe JT fancies me, who knows..(you know) but I think, I am far too old to main tutup-tutup mata teka siapa disana now ni.Orang ajak keluar minum kopi makan cake, saya pun keluarlah...lagipun, kek dan kopi ittew ditaja oleh JT. My travel expenses di taja oleh company saya so kesimpulannya, saya tak keluar duit sesen pun. Being in the postion 'I've got time and nothing to lose' ni adalah sungguh indah. Although JT in between coffee and cake tu adalah jugak hint-hint 'kalau padi katakan padi, idok le aku ternanti-nanti'. I'm not saying that we did the Pesta Pantun, but I think kalau dah 10 kali hint, orang rabun cam I pun can read between the line. But I think he know where he stand with me. Like any other kucing, although ikan tu duduk diam-diam dalam aquarium pun dia akan cuba makan, sebegitu jugaklah si JT ittew. Selagi terdaya, Kiah..akan kucuba menangkis cobaan-cobaan berani nya itu. Soon he'll grow tired...and mula mencari ikan lain yang lebih receptive.

Thirdly, Makcik Pakiam dah mati. Drug induced heart failure. Apparently she was unwell and her illegal drug intake corrodes some of her internal system, and she was arrested. Died almost instantly. My memory of her for the last few months knowing her is that she has already dead inside. I was suppose to be helping her, but reading back my notes, from what she had told me, there's really nothing to live for.

Makcik Pakiam never really open up to me. I guessed she must have suffered emotional trauma badly. When alive, life was taken away from her. My last meeting with her, we talked casually about life. She asked me how does it feel to have it all?

I asked, what do you mean..'have it all?'

'You got good job, you schooled alright...normal '

I told her that Social Work is the lowest paid job, considering the responsibilities it carries and we are not well received in the community.

'But you clever innit?'

I told her that I go to school like she did. I don't have a choice...or my father will kill me.

'I never listen to the shit my parents told me'

I said, lucky you.

In many of our conversation, we sometimes compete about who dares the most, who's in bad childhood competition, siapa pandai competition etc. I always admire the way she think and how I wish I was that daring.

We both agree that secular education is not that important. It may affect they way we think but in no way education will make people's life happier. I told her that the only thing that I value when going to Uni is it sharpens my survival skills. I learned about people more.But I always remarked that she is smart.

Makcik Pakiam asked, what you mean?

I said, I wouldn't know how to survive without money, food and roof over my head. Somehow you managed...your survival instinct is better than mine and anybody I know. You get through you day, until today...and that is a big achievement.You don't need a degree for that.

Makcik Pakiam smile and put her arm around my shoulder...'thanks mate'.

I am just glad that at least she know she is smart and clever, in her own way. At the rate she is going, she will never find happiness because long before someone had put a stop to it. So although this is sad, I'm thankful that she is now in a better place. She died alone, no relatives willing to come and see her. We can't contact her son as he is now adopted.

I pray Allah forgive her sin. That's all I can do.

The beauty of being older, or shall I say mature in age is that you're able to look back at all your dumb mistake, laugh it off (some mistakes laa..) and learn not to repeat it, or if it get thrown back at your face, this time you can handle it a bit better.

Yes lah...I'm talking about my new found friendship with my old time friend. Now ni, nak tulis apa-apa kena justify pulak you tulis pasal siapa..tak pasal-pasal budak TKC tu kecik ati.

20 years ago, if JT says hello, that would have made my day. He was a good looking, pemain bolasepak sekolah lagi.He was an actual science student yang kiranya sungguh multi-talented, dah le pandai belajorrr pahtu olahragawan sekolah lagi. Tak ke anak gadis termimpi-mimpi?

I think as a woman, we generally think that kalau dah 30+++ tu, you have passed your sell by date, however in some cases like Wan Zaleha, you may beg to differ. Kenkadang masa ni lah saham naik dengan mencanaknya.There's man out there who likened the search for woman macam beli wine...lagi tua, makin sedap rasanya (although, I cannot confirm this...pasalnya,aku taktau pun wine tu rasanya macam mana)

I don't have many male friends. Unlike Kiah, I am very pemalu (muntah ke kau, Kiah?) but I have over the years building and strengthened my confidence, by looking at man without fearing the like of Mak Ayam yang ada aje kata-kata sumbang nak dilemparkan bila kita baik sikit dengan budak laki-laki ni.Goodness, I remember this girl from school, asal ada aje budak lelaki melintas, she will then dengan mulut loudhailer nya pi cakap 'hey..awak nak kawin dengan dia'. Age 7,8,9,10 masa tu dengar aje word 'kawin' semua rasa nak masuk dalam lemari kan?

JT has openly admitted that he sort of using me, to get in touch back with his lost self. Apa makna tu, aku pun taktau. I think men in general suka benar meng create somekind of terminology to make them look complicated and need sorting out, thus excused all their weird shortcomings. Padahal takde apa pun, drama aje yang lebih. Macamlah kita pompuan yang suka berdrama ni taktau kan? But at least drama-drama pun, never once I heard women using their issues to excuse their behaviour. And this I shall agree with Kiah...we should all stick together against evil forces.

I told JT to be very careful with what he wish for. Just because I am trained to work with difficult people, does not mean that I am any better at solving masalah donia like selsema babi.Plus...I am only working with really,really sick people, so orang yang sakit ni, selalunya tahu yang dia tu sakit, and however much you point out their weakness and how they should work with it, the respond you get are usually nicer than orang-orang yang rasa dia normal ni.

Lagipun, kerja-kerja social ku hanya terhad kat pesakit-pesakit yang memerlukan rawatan aje. Kalau kawan-kawan, remain kawan-kawan ajelah. Bagi nasihat kat kawan-kawan pun is not always a good idea. Tak pasal-pasal jadik tajuk pergaduhan pulak.

JT picked and choose his friends...and girlfriends too. I don't think he have many. The girl he was seeing masa sekolah lasted for 10 years, he remain very faithful to her and si Minah tu dah pergi US, dalam pada berchenta jarak jauh gaya pos with him, ghope-ghope nya ada memasang lifeboat piula kat sana. In the end, I think she must have decided that bagus lagi setan didepan mata, and she marry her lifeboat. Terkontang-kanting lah JT kat Exeter nun....(Kiah, kalau kau jumpa, musti kau kenal si JT ni...circa 1992-1995 kat area-area kau buat A-Level tu)

So I told him...you don't need me to find your lost 'mojo'. You probably never know what you been looking for and what you really want. So you mixed your own confusion and maybe, conveniently used your bad luck as an excuse.

JT tanya..apakah itu Makji?

So I told him about my boipren..yang kuchenta and yang ku puja-puja macam nak rak tu. Yes...I was in love with him (or so I thought) and the way I was going on about my life and it uncertainties is like as if I was hard done by, by my so called chenta agong lah ni. Yes, he was the perfect excuse...we were together for like a decade, he left me...he came back, he pissed off again and datang balik and kesudahnya mati. Looking back, I have moved on...but still, I am not entirely happy. It could have been I don't know what I really want and dengan senangnya menggunakan excuse diriku putus chenta dan merana.But is it really? I don't know.

So I asked JT, can you relate to this? You jatuh cinta kat si Polan tu...you were never really together but she was undoubtedly your first love. You moved on and marry your wife, you thought you love her, maybe you did but your marriage just ran its course and now you left with all these questions and conveniently, you will pick the obvious reason why your life so messed up, pasal you merana chenta pertama.

You could have married the first love and ended up bermusuh ketat dengan dia. You will still have this outstanding issue with yourself, and would be fair to blame her?

Dan saya terus minum cappucino saya...so, what is this post got to do with me being older? Well, I think it is because I can look back with open mind, where you will allow all sorts of ideas and opinion.

Tak munaserawak nya.

Ye Kiah, aku sekarang ni rajin pulak jumpa si JT tu...

Desperate kah aku? Rase nya idok le...but bahana nya? I was 62kg couple of weeks ago and now beratku telah naik ke angka 66kg, dengan mendadaknya. Sama mendadaknya bila aku makan cake kat Cafe Nero tu.

Dua tiga menjak semenjak dia telah menjadik Duda jahat ni (in oppose to Janda Baik) semakin baik lah pulak dia dengan I. I guessed there's plenty of cloud hanging over his head last year or so, and that may as well explain his mood swings. Nevertheless, I still think his attitude towards his wife (or ex) is appalling. Marriage is a partnership...it has to be two people's decisions. One may initiate, but the two must agree, walaupun hati kelat dan muka ketat..kan Makji Eton?

But for some reasons, I enjoy his company. We talked about the old time a lot, although sometimes I felt like our old time stories didn't match, given that masa sekolah dulu, tak dilayan nya aku Kiah oii...

I asked him if he knows any other student...(I think my real question was...kau takde kawan lain ke nak kau ajak pi menembamkan badan?) Tak ada katanya...

So he asked me if I ada plan nak sambung belajar (macam kau ke?) to better my career.

See, I tak jawab pun..I dok senyum-senyum sambil makan cake (yang telah bertukar menjadi lemak sejat kat badan ku)

But I wish to answer him here...if I may (and if you don't mind...)

1. See, I tak macam Kiah so, what I have is just enough for now. I could if I would before but malas sungguh.Yang ada tu pun kena paksa.

2. Better my career? It took me ages to finally feel that 'this job is right'. I have done quite a few...berkira-kira, berterbangan di awan, rubbing shoulders with the like of Sarah Sechan, Jamie Aditya, Nadya Hutagalung etc and bersosialan dengan businessman kaki putar alam. I truly believe that there will be a stage in your life that what is important is how we feel as a person.So, I may not have a wonderful career, but the daily different challenge it brings excite me.

Kesimpulannya...I ni takde wawasan. Wawasan nak jadi lebih pandai tu takde lah..but if wanting to make a difference to people who are unfortunate enough to have been hampered by social issues, hereditary brain defect,body chemical imbalanced can be classify as wawasan, then it is my plan to do that in the future, hopefully in KL if people start taking humanity seriously.

Cehwah......majulah bangsa, agama dan negara...kan Kiah?

Update

Yes....this post is yesterday's news. (Apasal kau lambat publish?) If wanting to publish a thought nevertheless of the date being lag does not show enough determination nak menghupdate, I don't know what else is. At least aku hupdate, takdelah macam orang tu, laki takde rumah barulah rajin...hari lain tak rajin...nampak sangat ber overtime malam-malam. Pastu besok bila ter mengand..depressed lah memanjang. Cisss!!!

Yesterday was my late brother would have been 32nd birthday.

I think today, enough lah nak nak mengumpat orang and sebagai kakak yang mithali (and ever so guilty) I should write about him.

I do wonder what he may look like at this age. I am a female version of him, but I have to say (not because he is my brother) that he is a handsome looking young man. He was already 6ft tall when he was 19...so I think he would stretch to 6'2 now.

As a family, we have agreed not to question his fate, of why did he have to go so young. He was ill but the illness was too rapid to kill him and we never had that chance to say goodbye.

He died at 4pm and was brought back home on the Maghrib the same day. When he was there lying at the corner of our Paroi Jaya living room facing the kiblat, I pray Allah to give me strength not to fall asleep until I see the last of him.

I was reading Yassin non-stop. I can feel people hugging me from behind, and I don't know who they were. I was hoping that his eyes will open, but they never did.

When people are not looking, my hands are touching his very,very cold body. He was so stiff. He still look the same, only pale.I keep asking him quietly, get up..please get up. But he didn't and he can't.

We all, my brothers and sisters slept next to him. I don't think we all slept. I didn't and I saw my sister's (the one he was very close to) was jerking non-stop. She was crying in her sleep.

When he was lowered to the ground, I said goodbye from afar. There was just too many people. I was angry. People just plain nosy, why? We have the right to be near him, but no..semua orang nak tengok and we were left behind. My two brothers is already inside the ground, doing their manly bit. My father was just too weak to see all that.

I can hear my father cried 'you were supposed to see me off, not the other way around'.

I cannot remember telling him how much I love him, and I think I never tell any of my brothers and sisters the same.People always say that..masa diorang hidup lah kena cakap...but do we really want to do that without them thinking kita ni bertebiat?

Loving brothers and sister (or even parents) are unspoken love. We tell them we love them when we were to young to understand what love means, and perhaps too young to have all that sense of vanity.

I count my blessing that we never had that major 'aku menyampah tengok muka kau' or 'kau celaka' moment. I was in the boarding school when he was still in primary school and off to UK when he was a in his early teens. There was never a time to bergaduh.

But now when I think hard, none of us ever bergaduh with him...simply because he was such an angel.He loves everyone.He loves the cats...he brought stray cats home and feed them. Everytime I see a cat (or when I'm being horrible to one) I'll think of him.

When he was desperately ill, he don't remember me. I was near and he can't see. But mother said, eveytime I wasn't there...he never stop asking 'where Angah?'

I was not there when he died. If only I don't have to care about my stupid toiletries...but I did, and I think he went deliberately.

Yes, so he is 32 yesterday. He was 19 when he went. And I still miss him dearly.

Al-Fatihah.

'I do....but I don't...'

Seperti yang telah ku war-war kan kepada you all dengan muka tak malunya didalam blog ni, semua orang yang membaca (dan 2 ke 3 orang lagi yang tak baca) dah tahu yang I ni dah didalam process-process nak berpatah arang berkerat rotan dengan Orang Tua Putih itu. Ceritanya tak panjang...hidup dalam perperangan, kejap baik, kejap tak baik...tup-tup, I dah dibagi notice suruh tinggalkan dia dan tinggalkan rumah to which (masa hati sakit) I follow dengan dengan senang hati dan senang kaki.

That was February. Basically kepada yang tidak ada perasaan macam orang ittew, akan tahu yang I ni dalam process-process grieving. So you thought good friend like her will at least offer a needy friend like moir a shoulder to cry on or kalau takde bahu pun, kasilah buku address lama or any contact eligible Doctor untuk ku jadikan dahan berteduh or persinggahan sementara githoo. Haram takde nya. Dipaksa aku hupdate and hantar cekelat pemuas napsu dia lagi ada. Happa lah itu kawan!!!

Sometime I thought that the separation is good, it gives me time and space to ponder, apalah lagi yang nak kuharapkan kat sipadi seberang ini. Tak banyak. Nak harapkan duit dia? Duit I laaaaaaaaagi banyak...(although duit dia pun banyak juga...tapi tak pernah pun merasa) Kadang-kadang hati terasa, eh..sementelah dah technically single ni, patutkah aku jadi bohsia macam budak TKC ittew? Reliving back my younger days yang takdelah sehebat mana. I was so nerd you (ni tak macam si self-proclaimed TKC nerd tu, cakap aje nerd tapi umur belum setahun jagung dah ber swapping saliva dengan budak laki-laki nah?) nak kawan dengan jantan pun takut...setialah aku macam nak mati dengan siamang tu (BTW Kiah, we did swapped upper DNA after 6 years together but that still not qualify for Bohsia of the year 1994)

Because we are now separated, I am not oblige to make any contact. Adalah calling-calling jugak out of respect, with us trying to outwit each other, buat pose-pose tak kisah until in the end, one of us noticed how cold we are to each other, prompted sipadi seberang tu tanya if I dah ada jumpa orang lain? Boleh diwarning nya aku tu Kiah, cakap we are still legally married so, I hope that going out in a pull is not in your agenda. Babi nya...tak kah dia tahu, lagi dihalang, lagi jahat aku jadi nya.

The fact is, I am not, although nak jugaklah buat statement 'kau hingat aku tak laku ke?' sometime. But, what good will that do me? Being in a relationship is tiring enough, although I did missed the chat, the thing you do with your partner (I'm not talking sexual stuff, Kiah) missing the person who just being there walaupun sesejuk ikan Tuna Jepun.

Sipadi seberang tu, was indeed a good partner. Always there, walaupun menyakitkan hati kenkadang.I was working all the time and missing out on small-small thing like last week TV Magazine yang dia rajin simpan kan. Or any newspaper articles that I may like to read, si tua being ever so thoughtful akan kerat dan simpan kan...running my bath...back rub. Smallest thing like that.

This is when you realised what you're missing and what you're losing. But after almost 2 months, I may have mourned my loss and appreciate the fact that although I am missing the art of 2 people loving each other and showing each other love in such a weird way (by menyakitkan hati each other) I still think that there's no way back.

So I said 'I do love you, but I don't want to be with you anymore'.

And now, I menyesal pulak cakap camtu. Isk..isk..isk...

Post Partum Update

Ehem..ehem..ehem, by the time this is published, it may have been 2,3 days too late. But, mana satu kau ndak, Kiah? Ada hupdate or takde langsung?

My laptop is still lying low in Kingston's PC World. I should have jenguk to give them the more go ahead, but Kingston is not near any place I should visit, apart from our HQ. Tapi kalau sesaja pulak nak datang Kingston time-time kerja, buat apa ada pulak spy-spy yang nampak kelibat I and report kat Boss besar yang Makji Esah telah di google earth berada di kawasan Kingston-Upon-Thames, tak ke naya? Nanti Boss kata, ohh Makji, you bila suruh datang miting, dolak dalik kata Kingston tu jauh, tapi apasal pulak ada orang nampak you bersidai kat area-area PC World ittew?

I am one of this people yang tak suka masuk miting, especially miting dengan puak-puak sendiri i.e. rakan sekerja, rakan sekerja lain branch and Boss-Boss besar. I adalah sangat pemalu and rendah self-esteem so sitting duck in front of plenty of people in that meeting room is way,way too daunting for me.

In Social Services, the common issue and concerns people like to bring up in the meeting is Policies & Procedures. We discuss cara-cara nak menyelamatkan pesakit-pesakit, cara untuk mengelak orang ramai dari kekejaman pesakit-pesakit, cara untuk menemubual pesakit/keluarga pesakit, cara untuk mengelakkan pesakit menjadi lebih sakit dan cara unutk menghalang orang tak sakit dari menjadi mangsa orang sakit. What we never discuss in meeting is that how Social Workers/Support Workers/Outreach Workers like we all ni is greviously underpaid and should be paid as much as English Premier League footballers or Perdana Menteri Zimbabwe. Tak kan ado lah.

Sometime, I am so fed up dealing with human issues. People like you (siapakah you?) always think that people like us (like me) kerjanya discussing you. You ingat I suka ke menghabiskan masa 7.5 hours daily (the legal working hours) bercerita, berbincang and menyelesaikan masalah you? Ish..kalau le I ada benda lain nak dibuat, tak hingin I. Speaking of which, this is a choice I made.Memang ada benda lain...tapi benda lain semuanya tak tercapai dek tangan. Hasrat hati nak jadi Doctor bersettee empuk kat opis, apakan daya, penilaian darjah lima dapat 4A 1B, so takleh masuk TKC, SRP and SPM secukup rasa...yang dapatnya masuk PiPiPi buat course yang ber learning subjects aje, takde nak belajar anything technical yang menyeksa otak. So apakan daya, terimalah nasib diri yang tak berapa bistari ni.

Two of my colleague was signed off sick, having a nervous breakdown recently. Cuti 6 bulan lah tu, meng overhaul kepala hotak. Bila nanti kalau dah kepala dah irrepairable, maka bolehkan claim sickness benefits and tak kerja sampai bila-bila.Hmm...tempted nya.

I spoke to JT recently (aih..berdating kah aku, Kiah?) JT was making all these comments how I was so different now compared to before...(Encik Bahalol, sekarang saya dah 36, dahulu saya 16...kalaulah saya masih berperangai macam budak 16 tahun, bukankan saya hanya akan mengundang sangsi yang saya ni mengalami akal yang terencat and associate developmental issue?)

Tapi, tak banyak sikit, I agree with him. Once upon a time I, I am so quiet, timid and fearful. The only thing that didn't change is the way I process my thought. I have always been blunt. In a quieter version before however I'll say thing as it is. I remember once I defied my father (berani nya...) I was asked to do something. I am the usually very docile young woman but on this particular ocassion, I was so against his instruction. No exchange of words but world was shown kekerasan badan and mogok lapar. In the end, I was challenged to expressed my thoughts and I did, and father later (to my surprise) conciliate with his conscience.

However now, I don't need to be challenged to expressed my thoughts, and goodness, the problem I got myself into and the people perceptions.

I told JT that I made comments about how some people who were so taksub with the superficial things, makan, minum kopi and beratur tunggu bas pun nak cakap hal itu saja.To me is merely drawing attention to themselves, ye lah, nak lah orang kiri kanan tahu apa fungsi kita ni kepada agama, bangsa and negara lah gamak nya.

I said to JT I think people like this are so desperate for community approval so that they can reassure themselves.JT tanya I, apo makno tu Makji? I pun cakap, ala..macam budak2 MCKK lah, kiri kanan kiri kanan pun dok nak cerita Fiat Sapienta Virtuos (betui ka ni?) aje. Yes, kita semua tahu lah budak MCKK tu pandai-pandai belaka, tapi mestikah orang lain pun nak tahu jugak? So I said, well, tu maknya nya they are not convinced themselves, so kenalah cakap berkompang-kompang depan budak MRSM tak pass add math cam I ni, for reassurance. That's what I mean by community approval. It is normal for people to feel mega insecure, ye lah..belajar kuat-kuat tapi nanti tak pass, tak ke sakit jiwa?

JT jawab..oooo, gitukah Makji? Ye lah..gitu lah.

Tapi biasalah...some people don't like to be told and reminded that they're insecure. Mega chip stucked in their shoulders since birth.

JT tanya, so who have you annoyed Makji? I said, plenty people lah...yang tak kena kata pun paranoid yang bukan-bukan.

So, are you upset, Makji? Takdelah upset, menyampah aje.

Ye...menyampah aje.Menyampah sungguh. Nyah kau dari sini, Kiah.

P/s I think someone got confused between Dr Evil and Austion Powers. Dr Evil punya trademark taruk jari kelingking tepi mulut and Austin Powers punya trademark senyum mulut ternganga. Tak malu....salah konsep!