'I do....but I don't...'

Seperti yang telah ku war-war kan kepada you all dengan muka tak malunya didalam blog ni, semua orang yang membaca (dan 2 ke 3 orang lagi yang tak baca) dah tahu yang I ni dah didalam process-process nak berpatah arang berkerat rotan dengan Orang Tua Putih itu. Ceritanya tak panjang...hidup dalam perperangan, kejap baik, kejap tak baik...tup-tup, I dah dibagi notice suruh tinggalkan dia dan tinggalkan rumah to which (masa hati sakit) I follow dengan dengan senang hati dan senang kaki.

That was February. Basically kepada yang tidak ada perasaan macam orang ittew, akan tahu yang I ni dalam process-process grieving. So you thought good friend like her will at least offer a needy friend like moir a shoulder to cry on or kalau takde bahu pun, kasilah buku address lama or any contact eligible Doctor untuk ku jadikan dahan berteduh or persinggahan sementara githoo. Haram takde nya. Dipaksa aku hupdate and hantar cekelat pemuas napsu dia lagi ada. Happa lah itu kawan!!!

Sometime I thought that the separation is good, it gives me time and space to ponder, apalah lagi yang nak kuharapkan kat sipadi seberang ini. Tak banyak. Nak harapkan duit dia? Duit I laaaaaaaaagi banyak...(although duit dia pun banyak juga...tapi tak pernah pun merasa) Kadang-kadang hati terasa, eh..sementelah dah technically single ni, patutkah aku jadi bohsia macam budak TKC ittew? Reliving back my younger days yang takdelah sehebat mana. I was so nerd you (ni tak macam si self-proclaimed TKC nerd tu, cakap aje nerd tapi umur belum setahun jagung dah ber swapping saliva dengan budak laki-laki nah?) nak kawan dengan jantan pun takut...setialah aku macam nak mati dengan siamang tu (BTW Kiah, we did swapped upper DNA after 6 years together but that still not qualify for Bohsia of the year 1994)

Because we are now separated, I am not oblige to make any contact. Adalah calling-calling jugak out of respect, with us trying to outwit each other, buat pose-pose tak kisah until in the end, one of us noticed how cold we are to each other, prompted sipadi seberang tu tanya if I dah ada jumpa orang lain? Boleh diwarning nya aku tu Kiah, cakap we are still legally married so, I hope that going out in a pull is not in your agenda. Babi nya...tak kah dia tahu, lagi dihalang, lagi jahat aku jadi nya.

The fact is, I am not, although nak jugaklah buat statement 'kau hingat aku tak laku ke?' sometime. But, what good will that do me? Being in a relationship is tiring enough, although I did missed the chat, the thing you do with your partner (I'm not talking sexual stuff, Kiah) missing the person who just being there walaupun sesejuk ikan Tuna Jepun.

Sipadi seberang tu, was indeed a good partner. Always there, walaupun menyakitkan hati kenkadang.I was working all the time and missing out on small-small thing like last week TV Magazine yang dia rajin simpan kan. Or any newspaper articles that I may like to read, si tua being ever so thoughtful akan kerat dan simpan kan...running my bath...back rub. Smallest thing like that.

This is when you realised what you're missing and what you're losing. But after almost 2 months, I may have mourned my loss and appreciate the fact that although I am missing the art of 2 people loving each other and showing each other love in such a weird way (by menyakitkan hati each other) I still think that there's no way back.

So I said 'I do love you, but I don't want to be with you anymore'.

And now, I menyesal pulak cakap camtu. Isk..isk..isk...