About Me

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Yes....this post is yesterday's news. (Apasal kau lambat publish?) If wanting to publish a thought nevertheless of the date being lag does not show enough determination nak menghupdate, I don't know what else is. At least aku hupdate, takdelah macam orang tu, laki takde rumah barulah rajin...hari lain tak rajin...nampak sangat ber overtime malam-malam. Pastu besok bila ter mengand..depressed lah memanjang. Cisss!!!

Yesterday was my late brother would have been 32nd birthday.

I think today, enough lah nak nak mengumpat orang and sebagai kakak yang mithali (and ever so guilty) I should write about him.

I do wonder what he may look like at this age. I am a female version of him, but I have to say (not because he is my brother) that he is a handsome looking young man. He was already 6ft tall when he was 19...so I think he would stretch to 6'2 now.

As a family, we have agreed not to question his fate, of why did he have to go so young. He was ill but the illness was too rapid to kill him and we never had that chance to say goodbye.

He died at 4pm and was brought back home on the Maghrib the same day. When he was there lying at the corner of our Paroi Jaya living room facing the kiblat, I pray Allah to give me strength not to fall asleep until I see the last of him.

I was reading Yassin non-stop. I can feel people hugging me from behind, and I don't know who they were. I was hoping that his eyes will open, but they never did.

When people are not looking, my hands are touching his very,very cold body. He was so stiff. He still look the same, only pale.I keep asking him quietly, get up..please get up. But he didn't and he can't.

We all, my brothers and sisters slept next to him. I don't think we all slept. I didn't and I saw my sister's (the one he was very close to) was jerking non-stop. She was crying in her sleep.

When he was lowered to the ground, I said goodbye from afar. There was just too many people. I was angry. People just plain nosy, why? We have the right to be near him, but no..semua orang nak tengok and we were left behind. My two brothers is already inside the ground, doing their manly bit. My father was just too weak to see all that.

I can hear my father cried 'you were supposed to see me off, not the other way around'.

I cannot remember telling him how much I love him, and I think I never tell any of my brothers and sisters the same.People always say that..masa diorang hidup lah kena cakap...but do we really want to do that without them thinking kita ni bertebiat?

Loving brothers and sister (or even parents) are unspoken love. We tell them we love them when we were to young to understand what love means, and perhaps too young to have all that sense of vanity.

I count my blessing that we never had that major 'aku menyampah tengok muka kau' or 'kau celaka' moment. I was in the boarding school when he was still in primary school and off to UK when he was a in his early teens. There was never a time to bergaduh.

But now when I think hard, none of us ever bergaduh with him...simply because he was such an angel.He loves everyone.He loves the cats...he brought stray cats home and feed them. Everytime I see a cat (or when I'm being horrible to one) I'll think of him.

When he was desperately ill, he don't remember me. I was near and he can't see. But mother said, eveytime I wasn't there...he never stop asking 'where Angah?'

I was not there when he died. If only I don't have to care about my stupid toiletries...but I did, and I think he went deliberately.

Yes, so he is 32 yesterday. He was 19 when he went. And I still miss him dearly.



roseazmi said...

So sad..Al-Fatihah..Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersaa golongan orang-orang yang beriman...

Manal said...

Makji, alfatihah to him too from me...

And yeah parents mana boleh terima anak dia pergi dulu....(re movie jins shamsudin "tiada esok bagimu" masa dia asek jerit2 panggil noramy and LOTR the 2nd: two towers)...Pasai apa tau i teringat movie tiada esok tu? sbb Astro dok rerun the movie of late....pastu dia amik anak angkat, yg besar jadi nor kumalasari.

As said...

Al Fatihah

*meka nanges*

Fatul Akrul Ramli said...

be strong sis,.


Anonymous said...

Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan dikalangan yang beriman dan beramal soleh.


Crowy said...

Sebak baca post ni. Tetiba teringat juga kat my late brother. He was really ill when he rang me, asking when can I go back to visit. Given that I just started my new job, I said to him, when I can. He passed away the very next day. Until these days, I still feel guilty for being that ignorant. Losing someone dear to us is really painful, specially when we didn't see it coming.

Ina said...

Dear Makji,

So sad...My late brother's 23rd birthday would be this 29 of April... Maybe they're too good to be on this Earth...

Anonymous said...

You made me cry.. Mak Aji.
I'm sure he was really a nice and loving person( jarang tau a guy takes care of stray cats).I've never met him and never will be, but I've already liking him....

-Desperate housewipe frm negara gagak-

p/s why 'org tu' suka bagi komen yg tak relevan aaahhh...???Mesti nak include diri dia 'kisahmu kisahku', tak sukaaa tauuuu!!

captlukman said...

Al-Fatihah... semoga dia ditempatkan dikalangan orang2 yg beriman..:)

Anonymous said...

Al fatihah to your brother makji, semoga dia ditempatkan bersama org2 yg beriman, ameen


Goddess Selene said...

al fatihah for ur late brother makji.. i feel for you.. *hugs!!

Anonymous said...

sangat sedih.. T_T

nab said...

banyak kan lah bersabar makji.
Al fatihah buat arwah.

nbns said...




cocoa-crayon said...

The power of unspoken love is just that you can't describe it but you just feel it.

Al- Fatihah


Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Thank you all, for your kind words..semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat.

Iron Butterfly said...

i totally understand the part "I cannot remember telling him how much I love him, and I think I never tell any of my brothers and sisters the same.People always say that..masa diorang hidup lah kena cakap...but do we really want to do that without them thinking kita ni bertebiat?".

i feel the same way when my adik passed away. she will be in form 4 is she's still around. she left when she was in standard 2.

i always wonder whether she knew I actually love her.

mamaman said...


Semua yg pernah kehilangan pasti akan mengalir airmata baca ur entry this time round... Semoga roh2 mereka di sana aman dan dirahmati Allah swt... Amin..