One For The Year End

Salam semuah...I sudah pulang. Dari pulau dan juga dari majlis kebumi orang Yahudi yang telah ditutup mesin nya malam Xmas eve itu. And I'm glad I have now said goodbye to him properly, walaupun ku sepatah haram taktahu bahasa Hebrew yang dibaca-baca dek Pak Janggut dan Sideburn panjang tu.

You also might have notice a request from a certain Anon....for her masalah. And I have also published her rather 'frantic' comments asking me to retract her message to me. First, you tak minta pun comment you tu diprivate kan. I know some of you communicated with me and has politely asked for your message to be unpublished. If you asked, of course I honour your request.

Can I also say that I don't do private message? I have written about it before. I feel comfortable to share with you all, then together we can learn. I bukan kemut nasihat or opinion, tapi I tak kenal you and nasihat-nasihat or opinion yang kita bagi kat orang in general or in private tak semestinya seswai or berguna untuk orang itu. So, saya adalah mengambil jalan selamat. You must also know that if you ask opinion or advice from me in my professional capacity, we don't give 'advice'. Giving advice can also be seen as telling you what to do. Do we really take kindly to people telling us what to do? Hardly ever.

Having read your 'issue' yang lebih kurang serupa juga dengan issue semasa I...may I also point out your strength, that maybe useful for you as a thinking tool.

Cik Anon yang dikasihi, contoh pertama yang you dah nampak sekarang ialah, orang tak semestinya akan ikut permintaan you. You asked me not to published your comments. Hmm...did you get what you want? Why? Because I choose not to.

May I analyse your character from the comments you wrote me? I think you are a strong-minded person and maybe most times would prefer to get things done your way FIRST, have your own peace of mind FIRST and maybe some other things FIRST before you can start focussing on others. I also need to say that this is all NOT a bad things. Sometimes this is how it is, how we function as a person. Hati dan perasaan kita yang kena clear dulu baru kita boleh buat benda lain. Idok lah I nak kata you selfish ye...maybe, self-centred sikit laa...

You know what you want from him, hence you are the one who seems to make all the moves. Dia tak tepon, you lah yang kena tepon kan? Since you yang berkawan dengan dia..tak kisah la, jarak dekat ke, jarak jauh ke..(you both were nearer before he flew off, kan?) I'm sure you can see or feel if there's any strength in the friendship.

Well, he says he likes you. Maybe he does. Maybe he is doing things his way. Maybe..or I think now quite obviously, because he just moved, he has other priorities. Macam orang pindah rumah lah...kita kenalah kemas rumah kita dulu sebelum berkenen-kenen dengan orang rumah no. 47 tu kan, Sally?

You obviously 'want' him. That you know for sure. You are very aware of what you're doing. But not his. I am not incline to take the excuse pemalu on his part. He is not young and it is not like he has energy to try different chat up lines to every different girls every minutes. If he is serious, you would have known it. Kan I kata, you sangat aware.Some people are not born with ability to express themselves clearly but there's a little or not more, indication of their true feelings. Busy lah cemana pun...

On the other hand, sit back and have a wonder, if you may have been a bit pushy.One of my reasons to published your comments is for you to see how 'frantic' you can get when you're uncertain. Men panic easily although they have openly announce how good they are dealing with crisis. Ye la...suruh la diorang tu jaga nursery.

It seems to me, that you don't know this guy well enough to excuse his absences. So, I will leave the ball back in your court.

Happy New Year.

You're Gay, (but) You're (not) Okay

Masih lagi di Pulau. Buhsannnnnn dan depressed. My patient that was admitted to ICU 2 days before I left England, has died on Xmas Eve. I spent a good two days grieving for him. Might you ask why the death is affecting me, padahal bukanlah sedara mara or even kawan? Entahlah...I have faced so many death in my workplace. There's time when I question the why I am doing this job.

Okay, leave that thoughts for now lah. Like I said, I am mildly depressed at the moment. Dah le sensorang...

I saw the link 'Saya GAY, Saya OK' posted by a schoolmate. Dengan internet tahap cipan ni (not the speed, but I'm having problem understanding foreign prompt) I takdelah nak tengok that link but I saw comments made by viewers on that link.

Since the guy who made it is a muslim and malay, he was horridly critisised. To extent of being called a laknat by some. I must say that he is indeed very brave, brave enough to ignore how sensitive is the issue to Malaysian Muslims. Pardon me for choosing to use the word ignore here...and ignore is not a bad word.

My opinion stands, that sexual preference is a private thing. Not for us to discuss in public nor that we should judge others. But again if you choose to stand out by talking about things you know will bring so much attention down your way, is the choice you made with, supposedly clear and sound mind. Majority of oppressed people cope by being extra defensive. If you put a pressure on a gay person, he/she are likely to retaliate with 'so if being gay is a sin, how will you define child rape, apostasy etc, etc'

Like how the law systems works, with every inch of evidence, theories and facts featured in the books, as a Muslim we also believe that what is right or wrong is as what is bespoken in Al-Quran.

Kelemahan seseorang, kalau tak ditolong atau dibaikpulih, ada kemungkinannya akan menjadi kekuatan mereka. Being strong, again you can be strong in many aspect...ada orang yang kuat mengata, kuat bergaduh...still, kuat la jugak kan...is not always a good thing. Kuat kerja and kuat gaduh is one large opposite from the other.

Ada banyak benda yang kita buat dalam hidup kita ni yang tidak ada betul nya. Selagi kita tidak diagnose ada kecacatan otak, kita selalunya tahu apa yang kita buat tu salah. Nasihat yang baik yang kita terima dari orang-orang sekeliling kita yang teramat concern kadang-kadang ambil masa yang lama jugak untuk kita ikut. Hanya kita sendiri yang boleh mengubah kita...bila kita bersedia untuk berubah dan ditambah dengan pertolongan dari tuhan dan orang-orang yang kita sayang.

His life choice or literally sexual choice is obviously not to many people liking. Do you think he will likely to change just because you call him a laknat and umat Nabi Luth?

I saw an documentary recently about how Taliban fighters yang mengaji Quran before menembak orang, beat up the Afghan women and their spouses. Complete contradiction with how women were suppose to be treated as written in Al-Quran. Taliban men sodomised young boys, for obvious sexual gratification if not sexual preference. And, they Taliban were hailed a true Muslim hero with fast tracked entrace to heaven.

One may say, kalau you tak tahu..you jangan cakap lah. Betul. Pengetahuan agama I sangat cetek, nak nak dah duduk oversea lama dan lebih exposed to liberal thinking dan hak-hak kemanusiaan ni. I believe in berbuat baik, akan dapat benda yang baik juga...dan Allah itu maha pemaaf. Berjahat dengan orang, belum tentunya kita dapat dimaafkan oleh orang itu.

Terimalah dan fahamilah kekurangan seseorang sebelum kita rasa kita berhak menjatuhkan hukum. If being different is a kelemahan, berdoalah mereka itu diberi kekuatan. Kita pun tak tahu apa bahagian kita.

One of my relative, has openly critised my kununnn nya westernised way of life. Of course lah judgement made on I yang tak pakai tudung ni...sembahyang hit and miss ni etc etc yang tak islamic lah katanya. With his wife being pregnant at that time, I softly told him...you think you are so perfect just because you think you live like a decent Muslim person and against everyone. Don't be so harsh, you don't know you might be bearing child worst than me.

Tapi this guy dengan mak dia, cakap tempik-tempik taw..apa yang Islamic nya tu.

p/s and that guy pun...alah...low profile dah la kannn. Dah tahu duduk kat Malaysia, apa motif OUT and PROUD pulak? Memang nak sangatlah kena kata pun kannn?

Mood Sedikit Marah

Hmmm....I sedang berada di sebuah pulau. I have now decided not to blog about this trip. Sebabnya, I sudah mengompang kat dalam FB I pi mana during Xmas period. So, dah alang-alang ber blog underground ni, kenalah jaga sikit identity yang semakin hari semakin retak menunggu belah ni kannn?

I think, some of my friends have probably guessed me and the people they know in FB is the same person. Keep on guessing lah. Some have openly called me by my blogging name on my wall. Mana you tahu? (----kengkawan ketat dlm FB ku yang dichentai, you alls takpe panggil I makji....hehehe, tetapi sila jangan bocorkan maklumat blog pada MC nah?)

I have already a list of people who I want to keep out of my path, from blog to FB. I really have direct thoughts, some of you know that, in retrospect is a right thing to say/do but opted and resigned to conclusion that I ni boleh jadik musuh. Suka you lahh...

I really value my private life and I like the fact that some of you my friends really conscious of our own boundaries. I like that..we don't step on each others toes.

If you think you know me, please please don't be so intrusive. I am often very prepared and I really hate it if I am being ambushed.

Bercakap...biarlah berpada-pada. My blog and my FB is two separate things. Don't make me get rid of you or this blog.

Kiah, I lap yu.

Going It Alone Guide...

I should have added 'yang tak berapa boleh nak pakai sangat' on to the subject.

I received this special comment from an anon who wished not to be published, but she didn't mind sharing her story, katanya. Yolah dik...

So, katanya she only just came out of a long term relationship. Long term tu berapa lama lah dik? Ye lah..bebudak sekarang...6 bulan pun long term. Bukan macam akak kau ni yang dah seploh tahun dan 2 kali kena tinggal. Sungguhlah long term tu, since I ni barulah nak akil baligh (bulan pun tak datang lagi masa tu tawww)

Si Anon ni khabor lah kat I betapa sengsaranya nak mengeluarkan mamat ni dari system nya. Apparently its a mutual decision..okeh lah, I believe you. So, now you and your lover is finding it hard facing the life alone without another...but above all this you both know that there is no future in the relationship.

Perlukah akak speku dik??? Takyah lah...like I always said, relationship with another person is never an easy thing. Kalau you tak end up ikut dia, dia kena ikut you. Macam tulah, barulah tolerable...if not happy.

So si adik Anon ni mintaklah nasihat kat I. Ayoyo kadawale dikkk....salahnya orang kau ni mintak tolong. Can you not tell that I am a dreamer and a constant dreamer? I've been in 3 relationships so far...and married to one, for a reason I come to realised is to get the current one out of my mind once and for all. I was ever crazy about the two, one died and his demised was a perfect excuse to moved on. One that still alive whom I thought I will never see again, called me out of the blue almost a year ago, and we have been together since after 16 years hiatus.

So however takde future nya my relationship was with them...I was never able to get anyone out of my system...just like that.

But, because I get paid to talk sense to people and apparently come to be very good at it, I find it easier to preach on people...and live a hypocritical life. So what does that make me? The next Anwar Ibrahim? Shouting reformasi on the top of his lung but living like a reformed multi-colour Iguana?

Speaking from experience, that I am so proud to claim the success rate, what actually was hard but not what we immediately want to admit is the fact after spending/enduring time with another, is the difficulty to adjust to being alone. If we fight and argue, we do it with the other. If we sleep, we either sleep with the other or know that before we go to bed, we have the other to say goodnight to. Life can be hard with the other but for some practical reason, it is way much better than being alone.But we know at some point it has to come to an end, especially after nothing has worked and the relationship has become a burden. So, why don't you try this...

1. Stop talking to each other. Of course, there will be this urge to call...or the other person might call. Jangan call...and jangan jawab. Keraskan hati......keraskan sekeras-kerasnya...until sampai hari ke 3, you will feel that, okay...you have managed 3 days without and surely the day after and after will be easier. Talking to the person that we used to talk to on daily basis is one of few things that we need adjust. So now you have to get use to not talking so much to the other.

2. After a while...(sebulan, 2,3 or 4 bulan of not talking) if you do talk again, elaklah me reminisce benda-benda yang boleh membawa kepada keinginan untuk kembali ke keadaan asal. Bercakaplah tentang kambing lembu takpun, berboraklah hal gossip hangat siapa tido dengan siapa kat opis mana-mana. Jangan sesekali...ohh, I keep thinking about you blah..bla..bla...or, I saw that sabun cap rimau, and I teringat betapa sukanya you beli sabun brand tu. Ohh..that will certainly lead you to a more dangerous zone.

3. Find a hobby (tak pun..pengganti) secepat yang mungkin. Joinlah gym..buatlah kerja kebajikan...ke, gilah menyapu sampah kat belakang rumah Uwan you.

4. This should have come top, but although very essential, it is not necessarily a positive thing to do. What I want to say is, you should allow yourself moping, wallowing self pity or anything yang mengeluarkan air mata or making you look like kucing beranak tak lepas. Tak apa...grief have stages. Depend on how your system works...you either feeling in denial first..or maybe sad or even getting insanely angry first.

5. Always tell yourself that menaruh harapan pada orang, samalah seperti menaruh harapan pada kucing dan makhluk-makhluk yang sewaktu dengan nya. If we believe in a religion, we put a faith in god. Tu memang boleh percaya. Even makbapak kita pun kadang kadang, adakalanya mengecewakan kita jua. I'm not talking serious thing but you know lah the term, manusia hanya mampu merancang ni. Janji nak beli kasut sekolah Aliph...kesudahnya dapat BM2000 tapak hijau garis kuning jua. Remember, if we want something so bad, we will work on it. Soal takde jodoh...takde itu takde ini hanya keluar dari mulut manusia saja. Like, you nak pi ngorat pompuan mana and eventually bini you mintak cerai, jangan lah dok kata jodoh dengan ex wife tak panjang dek takdir tuhan. You yang menyetan gi nyundal tu takdir tuhan ka banggg? Ptuihh laa...so if you think, things can't really work and no way out for you both...what is actually stopping you? You either do or don't. Memang lah susahhh kan..but kena gak buat.

I takde sebab nombor 6. But if any readers yang amat saya hormati walaupun tiada kesempatan masa nak balas komen you all, ada cadangan yang lagi bernas or sadis demi menolong si Anon ni, silalah bantu dia...dan silalah bantu saya dan project CFC saya dengan membeli benda-benda yang telah di iklankan kat online shopping kat belah kanan atas tu ye...(sempattt ni)

Babaiss....

Cerita FB Lagi....

Salji turun dengan banyaknya lah pulak hari ni....ish. Menyusahkan tawww. I think some people sukalah kot. I pun suka jugak...sebab nanpak chantekkk githoo. But tapi keseronokan salji ini adalah bila kita ada dirumah dan bertidur-tiduran...bukannya tengah bekerja-kerjaan. Sebab macam terseksa lah nk berjalan kaki dalam ice dan habislah usaha kita ber GHD pepagi hari sampai nak terkehel tengkuk nak rambut chantekk punya pasal.

I ni nak cerita pasal sorang kawan I kat Msia...yang dok bergossip dengan I pasal kengkawan dia yang study dan kerja kat UK ni. My fren ni msg la I..awatnya bila aku baca FB status hang pasal salji aku rasa suka but bila aku tengok orang melayu lain aku rasa nak pitam dek meluatnya???

I pun jawablaa...alah, maybe diorang excited kot. Some of us tak pernah tengok salji. Masa I student kat hujung utara tu dulu pun macam darat jugak tengok salji. Habislah dua gulung pilem puji tu. Hah, zezaman I dengan Kiah menimba ilmu manalah ada DSLR and cameraphone bagai...pastu, muka I ni idok la lawa mana nak jadi camera-whore pun. Muka tak lawa satu cerita, apatah lagi nak buat aksi-aksi terbang kan?

Then I cakaplah dengan my fren ni...abis tu dah FB tanya 'what's on your mind' as your status que...so apa yang dalam kepala hotak and dalam hati apa rasa masa tu kita tulis lah kannn? Tapi my fren ni tetap jugaklah nak kata..alah. melayu berlagak tak hengat. I tulis kat dia..ish..suka hati hang lah Munahh....melayu berlagak tu kan kawan hang jugak...kahkahkah...

Speaking about status FB, some people I think do use it to show off. Tataulah intentional ke tidak. Ada orang yang nak show off tapi sangat pandai menulis dan kita yang membacanya suka aje..sebab genuinely kelakar.Ada orang terlebih show off and you wonder adakah dia nak terang-terang bagitahu kita dia tu bagus?

Some people wrote their life plan as his/her status. Some wrote opinions. Some are too persecutory of others opinions. Some just...aduhaiii....tak tahulah apa motifnya.

People should really be conscious of what is over the top i.e. gila meghoyan and some should really draw a line of what to share. Ada work colleague I sorang ni...dah lah dalam bahasa sehariannya dia suka mencarut tak hengat...dalam FB status pun, wahhh..gigih nak mencarut walaupun spelling tunggang langgang.

Kiah openly resent me writing what is in my mind about my chenta. But being a good friend, dia taklah nak taruk I kat FB just sindir setajam-tajamnya dalam blog. But Kiah is just feeling left out so sekarang ni, from time to time, I will endeavour to include her in my FB public display of affection.

But honestly, what can we do or say? Dah FB dia..suka dia lah apa dia nak tulis kann? Kalau tak suka tu hide aje lah. Macam I dah hide status updates this public figure fren of mine. Aiyoh..dia punya update dok cerita outing dengan Datuk tu Datuk ni..Tengku tu Tengku ni...segalamala VIP happenings in his life...yang of course lah tak tercapai dek tangan I ni...or majority of us in that matter nak dikompangnya. What is fun in reading...today I'm having lunch with Datuk sekian,sekian..VP of syarikat sekian, sekian...and malam nanti I will be officiating majlis sekian,sekian and glad to meet my fren Datin sekian,sekian..pengerusi persatuan pompuan mulut becok etc etc. Fun ke tu?

And is it fun or vomit inducing to read...so so feel that he/she should now planning his/her future, does he/she want this intelligent educated guy with Master in XYZ or just plain Jane/John...etc etc. But the problem is, can he/she cope with inferiority complex issues blablahblah....(phuekkkkk....I sudah muntah taww Sally..)

What is it with them people yang tak reti nak besederhana dalam segala hal..termasuklah dengan curahan perasaan you yang sungguh meloyakan itu? Adakah sangat penting orang tahu betapa over the top nya kita dalam memberi opinion?

Do we not realise how we sounded to other people??? Ish...you ni memang ada natural talent to buat orang menyampah kannn?

So I am begging Kiah....please, please..after you dah habis study and received your title square...can you not turn into this self-obsessed, boring, tak nak kalah and penuh dengan ceritamu ceritaku kind of people???

BTW, can people not put 'huhuhu' or 'kwangkwangkwang' on their status? Apa benda nya tu?

Sekian.

Jadilah Kawan Yang Baik....

Reading all your comments on my post, reading other people's life blog on how life is not so bed of roses and nasik lemak bawah pokok made me ponder.

I am trying to get a divorce...and susah lah pulak since the other party tu taknak acknowledge. I dah lama tak bercakap dengan dengan dia. I tanya MBs should I hantar Xmas card...mereka kata don't bother. I know they meant well. After a while of on again, off again..in terms of how I feel about us (me and the recent ex) bila dia dah keluar dari system, janganlah nak visit area sensitive tu lagi. Susah jugak masa nak lupakan orang tu...nak kata chenta sesangat...after series of unreasonable behaviour (yang betul2 unreasonable) yang me warrant kan dia tu ditinggal, chenta sudah tinggal sikit dan chenta sudah jadi chenta tahap lain. Tapi lain orang, lain kelebihannya. Kalau I nak compare dia dgn MC and dengan yang dah mati, orang putih ni sangat thoughtful. I memang tak pernah kena ignore dengan dia...and kalau ada masalah, sama-sama bercakap sampai sama-sama rasa tenang. Kalau I cakap dengan dia, I sedih...mulalah dia pun nak sedih sama tanya..kenapa..kenapa..sampailah I rasa tak berapa nak sedih.

Cuba bagitau si arwah tu dengan MC, ahh, you sedih? Laa..jangan sedih2...ceria-ceria selalu. Erkk...macamlah kesedihan tu satu hobi kannn?

Yes, its true that we can be blinded by love. But becoming a perfectionist wouldn't help either. Just because orang ni tak macam ni, kita nak angkat kaki. Things are not easy when we are not geographically near. Things get even difficult when the other one bukannya bangsa nak bagi tahu you benda yang you nak dengar.

Bebaru ni masa Xmas party, Boss I tanya..macam mana you dengan dia? I cakap..okay lahhh....habis nak cakap apalah kan? Tak kan nak cakap..eh, dah lama nya tak jumpa hatta dalam skype sekalipun sebab memasing busy (and dia tu pulak bukannya bangsa berkorban apa saja..waktu tidur ataupun nyawa) Tu belum lagi orang tanya..bila dia nak datang visit you? You dah galak kali pulak visit dia...well, what can I say bila orang tu bukannya macam I yang daredevil, besok pagi nak fly malam baru nak cari passport? I have live and go out with the like of MC well enough to know yang mereka-mereka ni set-set yang 'I'll do it, not because you asked me..but when I am ready'. If I want...memang molek sangat lah nak dijadikan punca gaduh dan alasan untuk ku jalannn...

So I decided, I dah malas nak tanya. Malas nak harap. Dah le seriknya duduk jauh tak dapat jumpa, so buat apalah nak menghabiskan masa lapang dengan berpanas hati?

Secara dasarnya (or is it a reality yang aku tak nampak-nampak) perhubungan ini macam sehala saja. Sadness is hard to hide from one's face. Mulalah ada yang bagi cadangan...why don't you buat cam ni..and why don't you carilah orang-orang yang tak menyakitkan hati you.

Whilst I appreciate all that..I think, we must acknowledge the fact that we know the devil we're with. I have opinions of other people's relationship too...ada yang nampak macam dead end lah..ada yang kena guna lah..taken for granted lah...macam macam. But, kita tak hidup dengan orang tu. One person perangai huduh is another person way to understand him/her.

I ni kuat merajuk. Kuaatttttttt sangat tau...and I must be a nightmare to be with.

It must be hard listening to others disapproval of your choices. You can't win with your family and your friends. We are expected not to moan but to singing praises for our partners. Sometimes we really ran out of praises to sing.

We are not talking domestic physical abuse or partner kita tu terajang/rogol anak-anak kita. Kalau tu kita kata kita masih chenta, memang lah kita gila. What is love when hideous attitude is involved? I ada jugak dengar cerita kawan yang kena pulau because she took husband sides yang menyampah gila dengan keluarganya. Orang yang nampak akan cakap lah..sanggup dia buang family nya. Tapi adakah kita tahu apa puncanya? Buatnya family macam pariah jugak...tak ke patut dibuat dek saja? (Okay not suggesting you buang sedara mara you..tapi, kalau yang buruk, tak kan nak ikut kann?)

Bila orang cakap pasal MC kat I...(padahal orang tu cakap sebab I lah dok selalu komplen kann?) I rasa macam terkedu pun ada. None of my close friends suka si dah mati tu. Rata-ratanya cakap..oh you can do better. He never call, he always forget...he is way too selfish. Ish..bukannya I tak tau. Masa dengan F dulu..yang langsung tak suka dengan dia tu jangan cakap la ramai nya.

But, no one knows that these three have their own special ways of making me happy. Tak lah banyak mana...but there's only happiness that only a spouse can give :) ----Kiah, I am not talking aksi ganas ye...

We don't always like what we hear and what we see. But is sure comfort to know that you have someone around you who will not judge and what matters to them is knowing that you're happy...although your definition of happiness tu adalah macam cinabeng. I remember when MC was seeing someone else back then...how unhappy, how abusive. And I keep saying the same thing....I want you to be happy. That is important for me. Takde pulak I suruh dia ditch orang tu...

If we care, if we love..if we genuinely want to see people happy.... just make them happy. However disapproving. They will see sense and will thank you for just being there for them...when they need you (and not your opinion or approval)

Happy Ivy

MC bbmessaged me this morning. Our ex boss died. None of us know the actual cause but judging from her FB picture diaries and notes, I told MC I think she may had lung cancer. And she did. She died after a month being discharged from UMC. I recalled her last message to us on her FB wall, she said her 'lights' is fading. True enough, it died today.

I wasn't planning on talking to MC today. Bengang punya pasal...but after the news, we resume chatting. Emosi lah sikit...the news of any death will only remind you that it could be you next. Insaf lah kann...

I did some counselling work in palliative care sometimes ago. But I opted out because it is really distressful. Mind you, I work with the learning disabled who has no concept of illness, let alone dying. Often they wonder why are they ill and why are their visitors crying. To talk them into agreeing to undergo chemotherapy, neeedles interception and the painful lot are hard. I find myself making false promises all the time. Just one off..it is not painful etc, etc..and all I can hear after that is them crying and asking me to take them away from the pain. I cried a river...everyday.

To me, their only consolation is that, they faced their death unknowingly. So to say, they were spared the fear.

We read about cancer patient journey to fight their illness. Some survived, some didn't. Some recover and live happy ever after, some recover but cancer strikes again in remission and lost it.

To me, those who lived through their borrowed time...and planned, are lucky. I am not directly saying that you're lucky you got cancer but you're lucky in the sense that you are given time to enjoy, to show love and to seek forgiveness and most of all, preparing to die.

I have more compassion for those who is left behind untimely. It must be hard not knowing. I said to those who were affected by the death of their loved ones of cancer, to count their blessings that the deceased and them somehow managed a parting moment. Most cancer patient are lucky that in the face of adversity, they somehow managed to secure happiness before their eyes shut indefinitely.

Rest in peace, Ivy Wong...my friend. I will always remember the unique you.

Mari Berjoget & Bercerai

Bila kita tengok orang dok ngomplen pasal kurangnya dia mendapat perhatian dan layanan sewajarnya dari pihak-pihak yang patut memberi layanan, sepantas Doraemon kita akan berkata...tinggalkan ajelah syaitonn ittew. Buat apa nak menyusahkan batin.



Kita manusia ni digalakkan bersabar...sampai ketahap kita boleh bersabar. Kalau tak boleh sabar, maka seperti yang kita baca dalam sokabar, cerai sana sini situ sitot. Pastu..mulalahhhh menyalahkan rancangan mari berjoget lambak tu kan?



When people got divorce, they often quote..ohh, we want different things now. Padahal masa berdating tu takdelah pulak buat debate I nak ni and you nak tu. Marriage is suppose to be a continuation of acara dating-dating...and hopefully, after dating berdua, maka berderetlah yang akan di produce untuk dibawak dating bersama.



I don't quite understand why people say..ohh we want different things in life now. Is that a polite way to say we don't fancy the pant of our partner anymore? Ye lah kan...takkan lah kau mahu kereta CRV dan aku mahu BMW boleh jadi sebab bercerai kot? If aku mahu Pasah Sandak and bukan Norak Danish Pastry, tu barulah sebab concrete nya nak bercerai berai kann, Rizal? You tuu...dari dulu can't make your mind up. The only thing you're certain in life is what car you want to drive...macamlaaa kitorang tatau..hehehe.



I suppose, there will be times when we faced difficulties and we rasa amatlah tak tahan and nak blah masa tu jugak. We got upset, we lashed out at different people, we hate the feeling we're feeling and all thanks to sidia yang sepatutnya menjadi object of our affection. I think when we enter into a relationship, this are the person we think, we feel and we know that we can't live without.



Ada orang tanya I pasal kes mari berjoget tu punya hal. Aiyaa...I tak pernah tengok pun program tu but of course lah, kalau kat Msia, kenalah berjoget dengan laki/bini kita kan? Joget is a teamwork...sebab kalau yang program kat sini nya, it requires full blown training...always in his/her face. So adegan panas hati memang tetap akan ada...pasal tu lah tak ada orang pompuan nak belajar bawak keta dengan laki mereka.

I suppose, alangkan kita yang belum kawin ni agaknya kalau ngadap muka dopopat jam pun boleh rasa nak membunuh...apatah lagi those yang dah kawin yang dah memang takde tempat lain nak pergi selain dari rumah sendiri dan mau tak mau terpaksa gak ngadap muka orang tu walaupun hati tengah panas. Selalunya bila dah dalam confine spaces ni, benda yang menyakitkan hati, although bearable..yang selama ni kita tak nak amik pot sebab kita rasa remeh..akan jadi Krakatoa.

But I'm sure...adalah sebabnya yang sampai tak boleh tahan tu. Ingat ye, cerai berai break up ni..walaupun diorang ni kata persetujuan bersama..(persetujuan bersama tahik kucen) adalah sebenarnya keputusan satu pihak dan pihak lain is leave with no choice. Ye lah, kalau laki kita dah gatal benar nak kawin dgn orang lain or dah tak nak lagi kat kita, merayu lah...tengok la boleh tahan ke tidak.

Gitu lah.

Note To Self

This is a note to myself. So harapan nya, janganlah ada orang ingat I pi tulis pasal dia pulak. Seingat I, ada jugak 2,3 puak yang terasa tulisan I mengata dia and merasa yang I buat entry tu khusus nak cakap pasal dia.

Dulu masa ada kes gaduh-gaduh puak UK and UAE, ada jugak I buat entry nak tegur si puak UK tu. But nak tegur in general saja...sebab ketidakpuasan hati orang UK dan UAE tu merebak-rebak sampai I yang takde masa nak jumpa orang ni pun macam terbabit sama. Ye lah...orang UK itu orang terpelajar dan to me, tidak menggunakan kepandaiannya dengan betul dan hasilnya, dia tu nampak macam orang jahat dan bodoh padahal yang sah-sah bodohnya orang lain. But having said all this, kalau kita bodoh, kita belajarlah dan betulkan lah kesilapan kita. I pun terasa bodoh juga melibatkan diri...dan pengajarannya, lepas pada tu...I memang berhati-hati betul nak terima salam-salam ukhuwah dari sesiapa. Takpelahhh..tak ramai kawan pun, tak mati kann, Kiah?

I ni bukannya pandai nak berkawan. Nak keep in touch in regular hours pun susah. But good friends are in my thoughts. I ni ada jugak perangai yang potentially orang tak akan suka...so untuk mengelakkan kejadian tarik-tarik rambut dibelakang hari, kalau I rasa you ada potensi untuk bagi I masalah, I akan membuat tembok disekeliling I untuk you. I am not a good judge of character so process nak kenal adalah mengambil masa juga. Ada orang I jumpa sekali terus I suka. Terus boleh kawan and terus boleh ngam gitu.

Sometimes, how we write and speak, represent our character. I don't know how some of you make of me, after reading me and after meeting me. I'm sure some of you rasa Makji who write this and Makji who you picked up from tepi jalan is two different person.

Ada orang yang I baca blog dia and rasa macam tak boleh nak serasi. Bila jumpa...pun rasa serupa juga. General observation pulak, nampak gaya dia macam set-set yang tak boleh nak bawak diri. Maybe dia boleh ngam dengan orang lain lah...and bukan dengan I. I ni bangsa tak boleh nak gel dengan set-set Diva Tak Jadi ni.

My tongue can be sharp as an arrow but that will depend on how people want to take it. Nak kata dah lama hidup dan makan garam tidak juga. Some of you traced me in FB and was declined. Ada yang graceful cakap...ye lah, you faham kenapa I sedikit berat hati. Ada pulak yang menjawab macam lahanat...like..okay lah, its your choice. Wehh...memanglah I punya choice. You lupa ke siapa request friend siapa? Ni namanya, nak nampak cool tapi tersirat sakit hatinya di reject.

I like to go on about terimalah kekurangan and kelebihan orang. Ni lah kekurangan I...social skill paras beku. But it helps kalau you pun jalan jejak tanah. Macam hari ni tadi kat office, I tegur budak IT tu. Dia ni nak come across friendly la...tapi bila I call mintak tolong resetkan password email, dia telah berlagak diva dengan bercakap dgn I menggunakan jargon-jargon IT yang aku sepatah haram pun tak paham. Then I cakap...sorrylah I takleh nak explain kat you apa yang silap mengikut bahasa you and I cakap, tak apa kalau you rasa susah sangat nak paham I, biarlah I pakai email manual yang slow cam siput tu. I cakap dengan dia, I malas nak panjang2 kan masalah ni pasal I rasa you dah memperlekehkan masalah I. Terus I letak phone. Pastu Boss dia call I, tanya..apa masalah you Makji? I pun explain lagi...terang2 I cakap, kalau lah I tahu apa masalahnya email account I, you rasa I akan call menyusahkan you ke? I cakap dengan Boss IT tu, you kena ingat, you all tu kerja helpdesk..maknanya you all kenalah tolong orang tak pandai macam I ni. Orang yang memintak tolong selalunya ada anxiety mereka sendiri so the Diva and macam pandai attitude will not help kan???

Ohh..I sure don't know where this is heading. Hari ini adalah hari bengang sedunia.

Update

Okay. I thought I respond to this email sent by this cuteguy. Nak mintak nasihat katanya. I always thought that when you're blessed with good looks, you will have tonnes of peminats at your feet. So cuteguy....sorry I am not able to write to you privately but read on. I'm sure ramai jugak jejaka-jejaka cute macam you ada masalah jugak.

So cuteguy kata, he has been quite unlucky in love. How many times, tak lah pulak you disclosed. But I think if you have had so many unfruitful encounter, let's just start re assessing you than submitting to the unkind universe have been to you. It takes you and the other person. There's always two decision in a break up. It is either orang tak suka you or you tak suka orang tu. Tak kisahlah mana-mana but one of yours make the relationship ends.

I ni tidaklah expert bab chenta-chenta ni. I don't get to 'experience' with many people pun...maklum lah, tak lawa.

So you kata your relationship ended recently, with the love of your live.And you want to know the effective way to move on. Didn't you know that already after many,many break ups? Hehehe...I bet this must have hurt you the most that you needed help to get him out of your system yeah?

I think, I think...lah, the strength of same sex relationship is about how committed you are to each other. What else can keep you together? I suppose, most heterosexual relationship saves itself dengan adanya anak-anak untuk dipikir masa depannya and the fact that most couples malas nak start afresh. Unless laki/bini masing-masing you tu memang dah patut dicampak laut, kalau boleh tahan..tahanlah kannn? Chenta 35% and sustainability factor hidup bersama with high amount of tolerant, 65%...and only death will part you two.

So if your break up affects you, I am guessing that your love is at its height...but orang tu tak reciprocate. And I do admire the fact that you intend to move on positively and not wasting time moping and bitching about him. Bitterness is bad for mental health, I tell you.

So, in the spirit of pulling yourself together....why don't you

Reassess how you look at people and how you look at life in general. I'm thinking more of...yelah, bila benda yang kita nak tak dapat, bila kita kena dump etc etc, best is always look at what may have we done wrong. Are we too demanding? Are we too petty? Can we not let go of the smallest thing that didn't even matter to us? Is the argument in your previous relationship is your healthiest way of ironing out your burning issue together or is it just you simply trying to prove a point? Iyalah..kadang2 kita ni selalu bertengkar pasal ketakpuasan hati kita...but dalam satu satu hubungan tu, kita sorang je ke yang tak puas hati nya? New relationship is often use as a practise for one not to repeat their past mistakes that drove previous partners away. But being extra too cautious pun tak guna juga...because at the expense of being too careful, you might lose sight of your real self. Kalau you tu bangsa selfish tak hengat and you fortunate enough to realised it, then your next step is to try to be more considerate and thoughtful. Mind you, old habit die hard...but love make you do all sorts of thing....termasuklah mengubah perangai puaka yang sedia ada.

2nd ly,hold no grudge. Somebody told me, hadek-hadek diva ni kenkadang, when they hold a grudge, there is no forgetting it. Someone could have rampas boipren you...or tayang his new Armani at you 5 donkey years ago is forever blacklisted dan tajuk utama process menganyam ketupat.If you get dump or if your partner can't make his mind (or his other mind) up whether he wants you or his imagination boifren, don't waste your breath launching bithchy tirades that eventually will make you look like the hard up one. So what if that rice queen is better 'make up' than you? Take it all in...and breathe out. You will feel lot better.

Lastly, since most of your relationship is cyber based to begin with, trying going cold turkey and swap all that for all real conversation. All those social networking site is indeed a great ways to feel like we have a social life without ever have to leave home.Face to face conversation is better and the person you're talking to can see the real you. Stop hiding behind the ubiquitous and try the more genuine things...for a change.

But I can be completely wrong...hmm, you should have gone to a gay man blog instead. They might give you useful tips.

Is This Self-Pity???

Hari ni kannnn....I terkenang kat the-one-yang-dah-mati tu....iskk, tatau lah apasal. Since I berhijrah datang ke sini (selepas incident ku tahu bininya mengandung walaupun gigih dia mempropah-ganda kan kat I masa tu yang mereka punya marriage dah nyenyawa kopok ikan) I decided to no longer keep anything that will remind me of him. Even his Man U shirt pun I dah buang...gambar dah langsung takde. Habis-habis semua dah masuk lori MPSJ. (ke MPPJ masa tu?)

Banyak betul moral issue masa tu. Walaupun katanya dia nak bercerai, officially dia tu laki orang. That made me the other woman. Walaupun I ni pompuan yang diajaknya kawin depan mak nya, reality is, bukan nama aku yang dalam surat nikah dia tu. By the time people close to me finds out about who I was going out with, the word 'laki orang' naik mencanak dulu. Kemarahan Appa masa tu, jangan cakap lahh kann...dah le anak nya ni set-set pendiam dan tak pernah menimbulkan masalah, tetiba..tahu-tahu, berkawan dengan laki orang??? Wahh....marahnya dia masa tu.

That was the time for me yang I pun cakap dengan diri I, enough is enough. (Tapi..time-time ni la jugak I dah start ber scandal dengan MC, yang juga tidak kurang scandalous nya ittew.hihihi) But none of that was working. I was really hanging by threads. My work was at its prime. I had everthing. The only thing missing was the one that I really love.

I kan tengah ber mood 'mmmmm tengoklah' dengan MC sekarang ni, so masa nilah selalunya ke vulnerability an I sungguh terserlah and I can go on feeling sorry for myself, tanpa ada orang tahu pun. Biasalah....orang tak ramai peminat macam I ni, kalau merajuk, siapalah yang perasan kann?

With MC, I now realised that merajuk dengan dia, tak kan adanya membawa hasil. Pasalnya..most time, dia tak akan perasan pun I ni merajuk and kalaulah dia perasan, dia akan buat tak tahu...until the next time dia bercakap dengan I dengan komen yang paling tak sensitive like..you sudahlah nak upset-upset ni. Wah, cenggitu ke menunjukkan kasih sayang kat gilpren yang jauh dimata ni? Tak pun dia akan cakap..you dah okay dah? Kalau tak okay, nantilah kita sembang..let me know bila you dah okay ye...babai..I nak gi main pool. Shialll sungguh kan? kan? kan?

But, ni lah dia nya orang aku chenta. So..until kepala I terhantuk kat bucu katil dan tersedar betapa huduh nya perangai dia...maka orang ini lah yang akan ku visit bila adanya masa dan duit yang terluang.

Why was I thinking about the-one-yang-dah-mati then? Pasalnya..dua-dua tu macam serupa aje perangai nya. Dua-duanya berkarekter artis popular bangsa jalan tak jejak bumi ni. Sepanjang and selama I berkawan dengan kedua-dua nya, I belum pernah lagi lah bergaduh..I'm not sure if kecik ati tak bertegur sapa can be classified as pergaduhan domestic. Oh, kalau yang tu, selalu laa...alike Kiah, I selalu tulis surat kat yang dah mati tu, meluahkan ketakpuasan hati. Nak cakap direct, we hardly see each other pun. I dedolu bukan macam I sekarang...I dedolu memang typical MCS yang menyimpan semua dalam hati..pastu lariiiii tak pandang-pandang belakang. Masa tu, I belum ada kepandaian untuk counter menjawab bila samdol tu cakap..apa masalahnya..siap dengan muka-muka tak bersalahnya, as if dia lupa dia telah melakukan kesalahan besar and conveniently make me look aku la yang macam pencari pasal yang berwibawa.

So, logic ke nak bergaduh dengan orang macam tu? Pouring my heart out through a letter was my only best option to get my message across to him. So that saves him from adegan buat-buat lupa and adegan mengelat yang sungguhlah dia pakar. I did that to MC too...but nothing has change. Ni cerita dedolu.

MC is still alive and I got the chance to ask and to tell betapa, adakalanya perangai huduhnya adalah menyakitkan hati. But I'm not sure if this is a tactic or somekind of a clever strategy where dia akan diammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm saja.

Bila dia diam.....apa lagi yang boleh kukata kan??? Ku pun diammmm jugaklah kannn?

Before I always wonder what its like...if I do fight for my love for the dah mati, and melayan email-email chenta nya mengajak ku kembali tu. But besides their perangai huduh, both got good heart. I know the one yang dah mati had a hostile relationship with his ex wife, so is MC with the exes.

We always want things that we think other people have. We think that other happy couples have perfect relationships. Kita tengok lakibini jalan pegang-pegang tangan gelak-gelak gatal bersama, kita ni yang gersang kasih sayang mahukan yang macam tu jugak. Because of this made up expectation...kita pun rasa partner kita kenalah macam tu jugak. We forget that human in itself is complex and cause complexity. We are different with one another...and having said that, we express ourself differently. For all this, I am always fogiving. Kiranya, I understand their complexity and resigned to the fact that I am loved by them in their own special way...(kununnn..idok lah sepesiallll mana pun rasanya..)

But I am sad. Here I am making excuses...or maybe trying to understand them underneath, and why...why was and why is it so difficult for them to make me feel that, for once..I am all that matter??? Why does it have to be me to be the one who is emotinally considerate?

Tak sayanggg kah mereka-mereka ni kat I????

Update

I always don't understand why........

1. You think it is okay to just ignore me. I don't mean the 'ignoring' facial expression tau. You don't talk. If we live in the same house is okay lah..because I then tahu you tak nak kena kacau ke..tengah bongkang ke etc, etc. But you can just gone the whole day without letting me know anything. Ke, you dah mati????

2. Say you're in a relationship with someone....to me and to anyone I know is about two person liking each other extra bit too much from their liking to anyone else. People in a relationship always have thought of each other when they gets up and before they go to bed. Masa mula-mula...exhibition perasaan memang lebih macam nasik mamak. After 5 years of more..from nasik mamak jadi nasik separuh. And after many,many years...people just avoid makan nasik nak jaga badan kononnya. But why? I think I have passed the stage of mintak telephone or di ucap kata-kata chenta 24jam. Well, in my case...jumpa pun beberapa bulan sekali. Kalau I tak rajin, maka tak jumpa lah kannn? (This is so another story) But why do you think it is okay to show love when you feel like it? Do you think it is just because we haven't got rid of each other is enough indication that we still love each other?

3. Loving someone is for better and for worse. Warts and all. Jerawat batu, bisul, ghastly flatulence (not our case la yang teruk-teruk ni kannn?) But why is it when you're sakit perut, you're so moody and forgot that I exist? Must I say bukan time you sakit perut aje tau...yang herannya kalau sakit lain yang memerlukan you mintak bantuan I tu, baik ngengada nyeng nyeng pulak you kan?

4. You never once wish me happy birthday. I asked you about it. You only say you do remember the date. I pushed my luck and asked for present in advance for next year. As my lover..you only said...mmmm tengok lah. Am I suppose to hope 'mmmm tengoklah' adalah barangan berupa beg tote PRADA ataupun ticket perchottian ke Bali, all paid for by you? But again, I told myself, we have known each other for almost 17 years. Never once I get anything. The only thing...if this is sweet...you said, you (dia la tu..bukannya I) are my present. I thought that was hillarious but you feel that I should have seen that my present...literally. Am I suppose to think that you're somekind of cheapskate, or am I not so valuable to you yang besday pezen I pun you taknak kasi...or you memang mengamalkan konsep, besday I you beli pezen...besday you...you beli pezen untuk I. Ke guane?

Now, I am definitely in 'mmmmmm tengoklah' mood.

The 2nd Wife

Hamboiiii tajuk gempaks, naah? Tapi..ni takde tujuan lah nak cakap buruk pasal orang or nak mengata sesiapa.

Balik bebaru ni, I jumpa my ex schoolmate. Kebetulan opis nya dekat dengan opis MC so, mudah benarlah aku disambarnya bawak makan.Makannn lagi kan? Dah orang Malaysia punya cara sosialan macam tu lah..kalau kat sini, orang ajak you minum kopi aje. Ye lah, everything must start with a drink first, sebab kalau you terus ajak keluar makan..buatnya naik tak habis but your company make you feel like to suap mulut dia dengan pinggan, susah gaks kannn?

I am always happy to see old friends, especially set-set yang masa sekolah memang ngam. I haven't seen her since ITM days. She naik main campus, I kat prepatory college. Nasib orang lain-lain kann..walaupun dia lagi pandaiiii dari I.So after that lunch thing, I thought I should invite her to dinner with another sets of schoolfriends jugak, juga yang ngam masa sekolah. See, I am really selective of picking and choosing with who I want to maintain contact. Ni bukan set-set yang tanya openly kat FB apasal ko tak kawin lagi etc. Orang cam tu, tak jumpa lagi pun takpe. Chaitsss!

But them this girl terus bertukar jadik coil gitu. Then terbukaklah cerita yang ghopenya dia pun dah jarang jumpa another friends since mereka-mereka ni menamat kan alam solo mereka. Set-set ni semua kawin lambat, but not as late as mid thirties la. Careerwoman la katakannnn.

Then she told me, she is leading a very low profile life dengan her hubs. Kisahnya dia ni 2nd wife kepada lakinya, dah 10 tahun lebih dah dia kahwin dengan the hubs yang tidaklah setua mana tu. Talking about early 40's. Of course la I terkejuts bila dengar camtu. My friend ni anak orang ternama la jugaks and I must tell you, lawa jugaklah orang nya..set-set budak baik yang memang takdelah ciri-ciri perampok laki orang ni.

Then I tanya, waaahhh...makpak you tak marah ke? Uishhh....berperang salib jugaklah masa tu. Walaupun pak nya beri ijin, tapi teruklah dia dipulau oleh sedara mara nya.

Then I tanya lagi...bini 'orang tu' tak marah? She said..kau ni, siapalah yang tak marah bila laki nak kawin lain kannnnn....(ish buduh nya I)

But they went ahead and marry. Baru dapat anak sorang. But as a 2nd wife, she knows where she stand in her marriage. She knows he has other responsibility and she knows, she must not expect bed of roses.

But to her other females friends, she was badly judged. I told her to look at thing differently. Nasib lah pompuan boleh berlaki satu aje..so takde excuse nak pi cakap kat laki kita, I dah jatuh chenta kat Anuar Jin and wants to marry him..hence....marilah kita ber bigami. Ni kira kes, I lap you...but I can't help falling in love with him..githoo..(ohh..women can dream)

I said to her I know girls yang keluar dengan laki orang but soroks-soroks with the man takde intention pun nak buat dia bini yang sah. Buat hapa? Okaylah...we really can't help falling in love with the unavailable man...technically. But kalau jantan tu nak bersuka-suka saja dengan you..dating pun setakat datang hantar air? Tak cukup bagus ke you untuk dia buat bini?

I told her, dah jodoh you..terima ajelah. Tapi I tengok dia happy sajaa....kalau dia nak kluar, dia kluar. Ye lah..since your hubs pun dah takleh nak bagi you whole attention...maka, janganlah kau nak dikurungnya dalam rumah pulak kan?

I believe some people can live like that. Ye lah..nak demand sesangat pun...kalau jantan tu nak jugak melebarkan sayapnya kat pompuan lain, you nak cakap apa? I suppose men can never really explain to their wives why they wanted this. Men just don't do heart to heart talk..especially bila dialah yang menjadik penyebab nya.

But I do wonder how woman cope. Or how we could cope knowing our partner also loves somebody else.At times, we may just try to think it is just us..you and him/her but despite how open you can be or want to be about it...ada gak masa-masa you akan rasa jealous yang tak terhingga dan mulalah tanya..apalah kurang nya diri ku...erghhh.

I suppose women should count their blessings if jantan keparat tu ada inisiatif nak ambik dia buat bini. It's far better than stringing you along. God only knows how many strings a man can have. But I must apologise if some wives find this distressing. Ye lah..siapalah yang suka or nak laki dia diambil orang, kan? But not all set out to steal your hubs. Elaklah cemana pun...pandai gak beruang tu datang buat muka seposen.

I nak cakap dengan kengkawan I..macam lah diorang tu baca blog ni kann..just bcos kawan kita ni bertemu jodoh dgn laki orang, janganlah uols tak nak jumpa dia pulak. Kan lebih baik kita dengar cerita kawan kita happy walaupun jadi bini nombor dua daripada cerita dia diseksa laki nya or worst, jadik pompuan simpanan aje tarafnya.

BTW, after many years, family my frens ni berbaik jugak dengan dia dan lakinya...Aminnn.

Fly Me To The Moon

If I posted this song in FB and membuat declaration chenta daun pisang tak hengat, Kiah will definitely remove me from her friend list. But..try being alone, far from your love one when temperature outside is minus 2. But, above all that jiwang karat and all, I sokaaaaa jantan ni.So, apa kata kita (Kiah, Bella, Sally Mally and me) berfeeling-feeling jantan ni kengkononnya nyanyi lagu ni untuk kita? Nak?

DR tu isteri mithali, so aku memalu nak ajak dia join sekaki..

Hmmmm.....

I must congratulate Diva Parits, yang akan menjadi kuihkeria woman tak lama lagi (ke dah start keje mu noks?) Walaupun katanya dia menjadi kuli dan bukan Perdana Menteri, ketahuilah oleh mieww yang kita ni semua (ke aku?) adalah bermula dari kuli sebelum menjadi kuali. Semoga orang-orang yang sokmo dengki akan ke glameran diri mieww akan terduduk dan start mengopek ikan bilis demi memujuk hati mereka memasing tu...ish, ish..tatau la kenapa aku cakap camni.

We are approaching the year end soon, and sebagai melayu celups lagi tak sedar diri, I will be busy shopping barang-barang untuk dijadikan hadiah untuk ditaruk dibawah pokok Xmas itu.Well, dah masuk kandang kambing, gitu lah kannn. Walaupun nanti (seperti tahun sebelum nya) adalah ntah sesapa lalats yang akan memberi komen kata yang I ni dah hidup menjurus ke arah kapirrr puloks. Suka hati mu lah noks. Yang penting, I pun suka dapat hadiah.

Some people have unlimited supply of opinions...of others. I visited blogs where some even make extra effort to let the blog owner know how they feel about them (the blog writer) Some people uses blog to trade insults between them. Orang ni lebih Diva dari orang ni lah..orang ni beli handbag mahal sikit dari orang ni lah...orang ini lagi chantekk dari orang ini lah..haiya..macam-macam uols. I ni kurang sikit bloghopping, as much as I want to...but bila sesekali baca apa orang tulis and apa orang komen, made me wonder....wah, why must be so siliyesss one?

Bila lah orang nak paham yang we don't always like what we see and read. Kita baca blog mak nyah mana..and don't quite like the way the lead their life, hah..kita dengan tak sempat nak zip seluar lepas kencing ni terusssss nak maki hamun orang tu.

We don't like orang ada extra marital affair ...kita cuba nak bagi nasihat, walaupun orang tu terang-terangan tak memerlukan nasihat. I know we are a caring nation, but only give advice when asked.It is always polite to check first if the person is confortable or even ready to talk about their pandemoniums. Unless you intend to make your advice a general one, so that semua orang pun boleh ambil iktibar..ye tak, Kiah?

What we often seen as well, is the party yang agaknya merasa dia ni di judge oleh orang yang pada mereka tu, takde hak nak bagi opinion, terus membuat serangan balassss. Ni kira konsep..I'm not going to be pissed about by anyone and nobody is going to treat me like shi* githuhh.

Nak kata I ni pakar psychology yang ada credibility yang mencanak-canak tinggi nya...takdelah. I sekolah pun tak berapa tinggi you, harapkan boleh berfikir dan menjaga diri aje.But one thing I do know that, getting over defensive tak akan nya menguntungkan sesiapa.

It is always best to sit back and keep an open mind. Why are people so bothered by our doings? If they say they care, who are they? If you allow yourselves to think a little bit further then you may realise that if these people get too bothered about what you're doing to yourself, it is likely that they are hating the similar things that happening to them too...

And why is the need to speak out and prove your point? If your problem bothers other people, why must you go and feed in to their problem? You will be defeated just because you dont have a last words to this. Believe me, people can say and think anything...but you make your own bed and it is not them who will be sleeping on it.

I don't intend for this post to be an indirect advice. But, I do believe that we can think. Kita datang blog orang...ada yang kita suka ada yang kita tak berapa berkenan and terus menjadi bahan kutukan sesama kita di DOME KLCC. But we must learn the concept of 'agree to disagree'.

Benda yang kita fikir dan kita buat ni, susah nak tahu betul or salahnya. Kita jatuh chenta dengan kekasih kita yang 16 tahun dulu tinggalkan kita tanpa sebab dan notis.Pastu orang tu cari kita balik..janji manis gulabatu 20kg kata dia dah berubah. Hati kecik kita tahu apa kita buat ni tak berapa betul, but bila perasaan dah mengaburi segalanya, and bila orang tu kata..dia nak ada free option dan kita terima walaupun hati macam serunding ayam...kita terima saja. (Ni siapalaaaaa yang punya masalah ni kannn, Kiah???)

We are not any better than anyone else. Belajarlah dari pengalaman mereka yang kurang bernasib baik tu.Having said all this, yang terasa dia di judge or ditindas..getting over defensive and lantang dalam menegakkan benang be it benang basah ke tak, tak guna jua. We may know what is right for us, however unsure but there's a chance that we may be so,so wrong in what we were doing.

Ramai manusia...banyak jugaklah ragam nya and haluan kiri kanan nya.

Adakah Kau Merasa Jeles....

Adalahhh kawan I sorang ni....well, we were quite close when we were younger but biasalah jaman-jaman tu, boipren always come between two good female BFF. I was really taken aback by the whole situation last time..I was at their receiving ends. To cut the story short, I dissapear from their circles. Even her closest friends and family thought I was jealous that she and her then boipren got together.

Maybe I was too protective. But ini cerita sangat lama. When we got together recently, it seems like we both knew that this subject must never come up again. She is married to a different guy now. And I am still what I am...hehehehe.

To her, I never changed. Still caring like before (muntahhhh lah Kiah...) Well, at the risk of you all nak kata I tiup belon I sendiri, I ni memang penyayang orang nya. Tak caya...tanyalah kawan-kawan ketat saya.

We become quite close again. No boipren or anybody that is coming between us now, except for anak-anak dia yang akan buat tunjuk perasaan everytime me and their mummy started skyping.Speaking about coming between us..literally and physically.

This friend of mine, dari muda sampai la ni tak habis-habis dengan masalah dalaman. Well, susah betul kan jadi orang lawa-lawa ni...kalau tak masalah boipren, masalah dengan orang keliling. Hidup senantiasa bermasalah...and that explains all her dramatic FB statuses.

What people write in their FB status, really is their prerogative...but kadang-kadang keserabutan kepala orang yang diexpress kan dalam bentuk-bentuk ayat bertulis adakalanya mengundang rasa menyampah yang terlampau. Gaduh dengan laki...terus rasa nak lari dari rumah..tup tup jadi FB status. Kalau sepuluh kali dalam seminggu ko rasa nak lari dari rumah, tak ke menyampah orang lain yang membaca nya tu ?

I am not going to judge her from what she wrote but lately ni I realised that her hysterical status is actually to fish my attention. Dah 3,4 kali jugak dia buat camtu. Then bila I rasa lain macam, thanks to Blackberry and its free messenger service, maka we both traded news. Of course la her news rather than mine.

Semalam dia nak lari...so we chat for over an hour dalam BBM, calmed her down and I told her to go to bed. Everytime dia ada masalah besar dengan lakinya, she will send me message and bila ku tak jawab msg dia..mulalah dia start buat status meghoyan kat FB sampai risau pulak I dengan dia.

The tables are turning now, and I think she secretly 'jealous' of me and MC. Ada sajaaa plan nak bawak I keluar, and the plan tak involve MC.

And tadi, selepas ku berjaya menolong dia menyabarkan diri...boleh pulak dia buat remark...you ni balik selalu, gewe mu tu takdok ko nak buat lawatan balas??? Macam tak committed aje aku tengok. Ke mu bertepuk sebelah tangan???

Terasa I you.....

Yes, We Should Talk

Hari ni I terasa sangat macam Kak Nam yang telah memberi training free kat Kiah menderhaka kat lakinya. I dok terpikir..they already have two kids, and Kiah pulak bukannya type ibu mithali dan most time mengharap laki...buatnya tetiba laki nya kata..okaylah..I pun had enough..tak ke I menjadi penyebab Kiah naik turun mahkamah syariah???

But, I am a strong believer of 'kalau niat kita betul, terpulanglah orang nak ambik/terima macam mana'.

Hidup dinegara orang juga telah mengexpose kan I kepada budaya perkahwinan orang juga. Ada yang boleh ikut, ada yang...kalau nak ikut, tu you kena tanggung sendiri lah ye.

Masa I kawan dengan orang Melayu...dengan dia I banyak simpan dalam hati. Tu belum jadik laki lagi tu...agaknya, kalau sempat lah jadi laki..mau I akan menyimpan hati sampai boleh mati dan membuat dosa mengumpat dia dalam blog or dengan kawan-kawan.

Then I bila I dengan omputih tu, tak habis-habis pulak dia suruh I bercakap.It is so not easy to open up, especially around the topic we ourselves not comfortable talking about.What we realised is that bercakap pasal ketidak puasan hati kita terhadap orang adalah amat mudah dibelakang orang itu. Didepan mereka? Often we say, kita tak nak mengecikkan hati orang...but honestly, hati siapakah sebenarnya yang kita tak nak kecik kan?

My life with F was completely separate from each other when we are still together. I do my own thing.Sometimes, I ikut lah dia jumpa family nya, but I was always given a choice to and not to. F demand for togetherness often suffocates me. In a way, its good because its healthy that couple do most things together. Of course I got confronted a lot, ada yang terkena batang hidung juga...but lesson learnt is that, when we talk, it is about us.

In our almost 10 years together, I never confronted F. We are talking me planning apa benda nak ku bambu dia habis-habisan.Tak pernah. Kalau ada pun, its all came out during ocassional bicker yang melarat-larat sampai hal 14 tahun lepas pun keluar.Not healthy..pasalnya..kalau kita dok pendam, orang yang buat salah tu akan gunakan alasan dia tak hengat. Familar tak Kiah..and bila dah terlampau lama, mudah betul dia buat alasan untuk get out of that situation.

Dengan orang ni...I mean in general, baik laki,bini bf and gf...janganlah harap mereka tu nak berubah mengikut apa yang you nak..unless they were given ultimatum. If we are with someone who doesn't care (much) about us...confronting them hoping and expecting them to care a little bit more can be futile. You could be hoping in vain...

The only thing that you can achieve by talking is that the other party understands you and you will get confirmation on whatever kemusykilan yang you ada.Usually in relationship, we assume things. Ohh..nanti laki I marah..ohh nanti bini I bising. When you say, laki you marah..sudahkah you bertanya or beritahu dia apa yang dalam hati and kepala you?

My mother probably have plenty tak puas hati dengan my father. I don't know if she ever said it to him. It was such an unfair balance that sadly mother had to put up with. We have to be prepared that not many of us like to be ambushed, especially dengan bullet bullet yang akan menikam kalbu. But..kalau kita tak cakap...mana dia nak tahu apa yang ada dalam hati kita?

If I want write about yang gunung merapi pendam dengan my parents, sure cerita ni tak kan habisnya..but thinking about it, we have never really sit and talk about it. They probably assumed that I am okay thus get on with it and I never really told them how I feel.

But, if I can give this advice to Kiah...lenkali janganlah tunggu sampai darah dah panas. Things are better said when you are calm..and if you have to cry, you know that you have said your peace without missing out any crucial points.

Since we are in this 'talking' subject..I think I should talk to you again about the CFC Plan (Care For Community) Plan. I realised that this was presented to you as my dream. My dream is to see this happen. And to materialised that, I need your help.

I don't want to start asking for donation. Donation is will suit the charity purpose. This is a business plan that unlike any other business, this will see no profit making. Items listed on your top right is for sale. Those might be the things that you don't need. But how many times we purchased things that we actually need? They are not costly. They're less that $50.00. I want to ask all of you to consider buying it and think about what the proceed would to the disabled. Please get your friends to buy it too. I am not sure if I have a reader from USA...but the websites are US based. Please help me to promote those links. We (there's 4 of us) are doing the FB write ups for this. Our contribution is our expertise and yours will be the fuel of the engine.

Please help. In the next 8 months, I will be actively promoting this. Help to spread the word. WE are all very generous soul.

Love Me, Love My Face

For those who is about read this and lives around me, I am not writing about the documentary telly program pasal that guy yang ada genetic condition tu. But the life story of that man who spent all his adult life trying to get people to like him with face only a mother could love (but in his case, mak pak dia pun put him for adoption after 36 hours after he's been born...macam lahanat makpak dia tu, because they couldn't cope with his deformity)

Not many of us are born 'interesting' enough to be instantly liked by others. Err...may sound unfair to some but that will depend on how you understand it. True, beauty is on the eyes of the beholder, but the beholder also need good feedback and confirmation that they're actually beautiful. Ye la...kang kalau sendiri kata sendiri chantekk, orang kata syiok sendiri pulak kannn???? There is some of us are badly affected by this i.e. no acceptance, no confirmation that they're good looking enough to be admired and often wonder why aren't people generous with nice thoughts and acceptance.

I grew up not having many admirers, be it secretly or openly. Well, kalaulah ada pun, sipeminat I tu tak bagitahu I. Having seen people around me getting letters expressing interests and admiration to them, kenkadang buat hati ni tertanya jugak..eh, tak chantekkk ke aku ni takde yang minat? To menyedapkan hati boleh lah kata, alaa...kita sekolah Convent, manalah ada jantan dalam sekolah ni selain cikgu and pakcik tukang kebun tu. But your classmate pun dapat surat chenta, surat a.k.a. application forms from junior/senior nak buat hadek/kakak hangkat from sesama fomfuens jugak. Tapi kita? Jangan kata nak buat awek, nak jadik kakak/adik hangkat pun takde yang minat....then we started thinking horrible thoughts, kalau sesama pompuan pun tak rasa kita cantik, apatah lagi jantan-jantan kannn???

When I was at that school near jalan keretapi, rata-rata classmate I semua ada boipren. Some even ada 2 or 3 admirers in one go. I met my ex pun kat pekan Arau tu...but we were not boipren gilpren back then. He was too cool..maybe because he was lot older than I am, so he is not like those 16 or 17 year old boys yang terlebih testosterone. Sometime I do wonder if he has it...sebabnya, dia tak pernah mengambil kesempatan atas diri I yang memang menunggu dia mengambil kesempatan...eh gedik nya aku!

I can't remember exactly how does all that (takde orang minat) affecting me as a teenager. But I can recall getting desperate to just accept any budak hingusan yang tak hensem if they happen to express interest. I think it was all about menunjuk and confirmation to self yang kita ni not so bad looking.

But I do realised that, it is hard for me now to welcome any interest just like that. In fact, I even questioned them why...why me? Dulu masa sekolah tak pandang..sekarang kenapa tetiba lak minat? Dulu I tak chantekkk ke? I even have guys from school yang dulu tegur I pun tak nak now dah openly cakap kat FB yang dia nak masuk pinang I. Albeit cakap memain pun...dah berbini, dah botak and dah boroi baru nampak kat I kannn?

When I was with F dan menengok ex gilprenya yang lawa-lawa, made me wonder...apalah yang dia nampak kat I. Bila I tanya dia...dia akan cakap..why does it matter? (well, it matters to me..pasal tu lah aku tanya, ngok!) But F always complimented how I look, too bad jodoh dengan dia tak panjang but that really made me feel so good about myself.

With MC, if I am honest...my low self esteem doesn't help. Apart from dia never compliment or tell me how good I look. One will say, why does this bother you..you're together now, that's is it. I tanya dia recently, I wonder what you love about me...and dia cakap..ohh..you're loving, caring, kind and generous. Idok la dia nak cakap..aku ni cute ke apa...iskkk.

As much as this may sound shallow, I do think that it is important that we know that one of the factor why we are with the person we with is because how good we look to them. WE want to be this 3 in 1 person who he/she fell in love with. IF we are kind and caring, is that enough to warrant the longevity of interest? Does kindness turn you on? Will you be sexually attracted to someone just because they're caring? Jaga kat guardhouse rumah kita pun caring gak..tapi adakah itu jugak membuat kita nak melompat kat dia?

I do think that the title applies in all kind of relationship. IF you love me, you have to love my face. It might be easier for a woman to love a man without loving their face. But I maybe wrong.

I hope I am.

Yesterday's Conversation Yang Menyakitkan Hati...

During our makan-makan feast...(this one without Sally Mally yang tak makan banyak-tapi-komplen-perut-boncit tu) Kiah and Bella discussed the blogs they frequented, of which I knew nothing about.

I am quite selective..errr..macam bagus je bunyik nya...no, really...I don't have much time on hands to leisurely read. I read people's problem everyday. Apa dibuatnya..siapa diterajangnya...apa yang bermain dalam palahotaknya. Tu yang I baca. Trust me, it is not leisure at all. So when Kiah and Bella gelak-gelak syaitonnn discussing them blogs, aku adalah merasa amat jeles because I am so missing out on good read.

So, what sort of and who's blog do I read then? At the moment, you on my bloglists lah...tu pun you jarang hapdate (hint..hint) When I ada masa sikit, I pi click you all pulak punya blog lists. Ada yang best..ada yang so..so. So so ni bukanlah I nak cakap tak best ye..but, yes..I am so happy that you have had such a fulfilling day...but you masak apa and anak laki you suka makan apa is not something that I will kill to know...hehehe...bongkak tak? But again, that will depend on how you word it. Some writers appears too pompous to me. Dia nak bagitahu you yang dia tu macam ni..macam ni and macam ni...but it all ended up with me saying dalam hati...elehh, ko hengat ko sorang je ke yang etc, etc and etc.

Ada orang tu, masalah donia pun, masalah dia juga. Tu misti buhsan tahap syaitonnn lah tu if we have time to question every little details and reasons.Opinion remains an opinion and have to be respected, thus we shall agree to disagree.But my point is, kadang-kadang yang empunya opinion tu terlupa pulak, manusia ni ada kekurangan.Yes you can wish this...the sun the moon and the starry starry nights...but what people does is something, we sometimes do but yet, able to forgive ourselves for being temporarily stupid.

I was recently introduced to this malay guy. Pandai budak ni Kiah...pandai sekolah ajelah nampak gaya nya. He is training in this hospital I frequented to visit my case.Biasalah budak muda, darah muda dan hingus pun masih hijau githooo....

I listened to him whingheing about a to z, sampai kan filing system spital tu pun nak dikomplen nya. Part tu hampun lah lagi...ye lah, when you moan about something so practical, it shows how you deal with something so petty.Macam ada lah orang ni yang komplen waiter/waitres cafe so and so tak bagus, tak tu tak ini..tapi adakah mereka itu nak cakap dengan baik-baiknya kat mereka yang dikatakan lembab itu? People will treat you the way you want them to treat you.Kalau kau pun macam Raja Mongkut lah sombongnya...maka takutlah adik-adik waiter tu nak jadi friendly.

Selepas dia moan pasal filing system department nya yang katanya sungguh lap kaki tu, dia moan pulak pasal patient-patient yang dia jumpa.Then of course la he lectures me about masalah-masalah sosial orang kat sini..(ohh, you lecture me, ye???) yang dia tak berkenan tu.So selama dia berpok pek tu, habis one slice cake aku.

And he asked, so what do think...do you agree that this is wrong?

I cakap laa...well, there's is nothing to agree and disagree here. First look at what we are suppose to do. We are giving service, so if I were you...professionally, opinion aside. You oppose those who sponging off the government (their government) but you don't work for the treasury.I respect your opinion however, you are not dealing with machine who would likely to follow what you want them to do. These people have their own sets of opinion as well, which of course in this case, didn't matter laa...because it is non of your business.

Pastu si jantan ni Kiah, dengan mega bongkak nya..cakap kat I..and your point is....

I have no point. I am only doing my job here. I have my opinion about them but they're human. They make mistakes, like I would do on my not so best days. Education helps they way of thinking...young man...but that should not affect empathy. Just because you saw lots of druggies and drunkard, does not mean the country system is bad. These people made clear choices, of which..is not a good choices. Malaysia pun ada..teenage pregnancy or any other social issue. You nak salahkan mereka ke? For all you know, they need to make that stupid mistake to learn their lesson.

You may have what you have now, but believe me..we sometimes are no better than them. Bersyukurlah that your parents (if they do) lead you to the right path and influenced your mindset.

Then I pikir balik...nasib baik la dia dapat buat practical kerja kat UK, kalau lah dia kena suruh gi aprika yang AIDS populated tu, sure dia ni tido pun mimpi mengomplen, kan Kiah?

Tadaaa....(hmm, kau tu bila nya nak hupdate? Pi konsert ada lak masa..)

In An Open Relationship

Eh tajuk gempak kann..Kiah? Nanti misti ada orang ingat aku cakap pasal dia pulak...

First thing that come to mind mustilah bab free hop on hop off katil orang, while you're steadily have made your bed dengan partner you. Always when relationship is concerned, we think about the bedroom transaction aje. Padahal benda-benda lain pun boleh dikongsi juga...

Not many people like to kongsi. Alangkan goverment once upon a time dulu pun suruh orang kongsi kereta pun kita bolayan, apatah lagi nak berbagi laki dan bini kan, Kiah????

Men are incline to practise this, I think because they are far too arrogant to admit that little things like emotional, love or bits and pieces will affect how they function. Ye laa....tapi dalam hati sure ada menyesal punya, tapi tak nak ngaku. Yelah, bila bini 2,3 pastu menyusahkan badan...satu negara gaduh, bila mati berebut siapa yang punya, tak ke menyesal kawin banyak???

When I was courting the one six feet under, not in so many words said to him...I really don't mind him having many, many female friends. He was a friendly and charming man so he jokes about, he cares too much and he is very attentive (not to me unfortunately) Now that I think about it, some people like to have the reputation of being the nice and easy going and the pujaan Malaya one. He was one of them. Now that I think about it too, I am exactly the same...only I am not that friendly. But I do know that I am so selfless for my own good that people do tend to take advantage.

My friends said..I don't komplen. Ye lah...they don't read this blog. I complaint about everything under the sun.But...looking at it, I wrote my frustration in here...but I don't actively say it.

I realised then and now...now more blatantly so..that MC and me are two totally different people that want different things in life. I'm sure some of you (who has seen us together) would ask, would think..would anything but say...ohh what a lovely pair. What I realised I should now do is...to let things goes as it is. We had difficult talks and I know that I had done so much.

I often told people, don't stress about things that you have no power over.If you like it, you take it.I'm sure you will know when you have had enough.

When two people together and there is also two set of mind together that not always think alike.There's only so much that can keep two person together.If you're friends, maybe the friendship does and will keep you and your friend in a friendly term. If you're lover...if ever the sparks is gone, there'll be bits and pieces that may hold your puzzles together, walaupun kita tahu puzzles yang dah siap tidaklah banyak mana fungsi nya pun.

Our partner is never going to be perfect, just like we are. We have this imagination of what a partner should be but you often see the missing bit on other people.Ada my friend ni cakap, laki nya adalah jantan yang paling reliable dalam donia ni...but, dia adalah jantan yang tak banyak cakap and kurenggg sikit dalam nak memanjakan bini nya. So I said to her, since your hubs tu undersocialised, ko pi la socialise dengan orang lain. I wasn't asking her to start looking for another love but kalau laki you dah ghope macam itu, you can either menambah bilangan sahabat pena or sahabat starbuck, tak pun...pergilah menghiburkan hati you sendiri dengan membuat menda-menda yang you suka macam beli handbag penuh lemari. But I also told her to be open and honest about how she feels about him. So she did. The husband diam la memula tanda protest, but I encourage my friend to firm up, something got to give. But in the end, she now can do whatever she pleases, as long as tak melampaui batas.

I think the important thing in a union, is for us to accept our partner unconditionally. We may not like things he/she does and I think we should say. What do we want after that? Perubahan? Kalau dapat, dapat la...

I gave this advise to someone who wrote to me recently. She found out that husband was having an affair. So she confronted him.If you noticed, men who get caught never offer their partner any solution, and there likely to be given with one or an ultimatum. So do you really think keputusan bijak boleh dibuat dalam masa 5 menet???

So, I asked her to ask the hub, how he feels about her? Mind you, if after campur tolak bahagi kita rasa kita ni tak patut dipermainkan sebagitu ropa oleh laki kita yang shialll tu, kenkadang punca mereka tu menyundal adalah kerana mereka itu yang tak rasa cukup. So, itu adalah masalah dia and bukan you. The hubs kata la it was a mistake la..blablabla...(ye lah mistake tahik unta, mistake menda kalau dah ber affair 6 bulan lama nya???) So she said, kalau you suka that girl, kawin lah dengan dia. And she reminded him about them having their own daughter and taknak lah nanti anak mereka pulak dimain oleh orang. So the hubs asked, habis you macam mana? The wife cakap balik, well..you tak fikir pulak pasal tu bila you keluar dengan dia. POMMM!!! Laki dia termalu. The wife said, that she loves the husband as much as the day she marries him but she is hurt and need to think. Hubs say, you nak fikir apa? Wife cakap...I need to think and see if I can love you the same after all this. So she said, I izinkan you nikah dengan gilpren you...but one day, if I think this is all a bit too much for me, izinkan lah I tinggalkan you.

The hubs, I was told went ahead and marry the gilpren. But tak lama. He is now back with the wife. I keep telling the wife, keep an open mind about your marriage, sometimes, it is not about you. I was lucky dia tak sumpah I pasal suruh laki dia kawin.

So, the politician say, saman lah perampas laki you dan laki you sekali if your marriage is broken by them. Do you honestly think that is a good idea? Siapa perampas dan siapa pulak suka, rela, paksa dirampas? Buat apa? Kalau dia pun set-set tak guna, relakan jelah dia dirampas, and sebelum dia kena rampas, buatlah plan siap-siap nak rampas reta dia sikit-sikit ye.

In the spirit of being open, I encouraged MC to cakap apa dia rasa....patah jugaklah hati I memula...ye lah, kita rasa kitalah yang paling mithali sekali dalam dunia ni. But what do we want? Okay..not happy and start looking for another one? So I cakap...you buat lah apa yang you nak. But in the event that you rasa dah takde benda lagi that will keep us together, then you must tell me.

That's how open I can be.

p/s This applies only kalau you dapat partner yang bangsa tak makan saman ye...kalau laki kita tu bangsa menurut perintah, takyah lah nak offer buy 1 get one deal pulak.

Korban

Kiah is ever so generous with information....so now we all know how ancient she is (and me too..dah kau dok name dropping aku aje..punah harapan ku nak moonlighting sebagai teenage girls yang minat Justin Bibot)

I too, like CK, grew up ber chenta-chenta an dengan lagu Air Supply. I too know all Air Supply songs by heart. I saw them in concert once, before I migrate balik ke UK. Masa tu manalah ada lagu caruts maruts macam sekarang ni...innocent love aje.

Takpelah..let Kiah have fun, in less than two weeks she is going to be a year older than me. Kasi chance la...orang tengah buat PHD dah naik serong kepala, so whatever makes her happy.At least bila dia dah habis besok and adding square to her already existing title, she can look back at this, all evidence pointing to how close she was to having psychopathic tendency.

Hari ni juga ialah Hari Raya Korban. Since Monday (since ko tak bertanya kannn, Kiah???) I dah berkorban sedikit unwanted flesh located inside my back passage. Process nya sakit macam celaka.I am solely blaming the Doctor. Ramai betul orang suruh I mengomplen...but, I am in so much pain to do that. But what it is, not the physical pain that is hurting me so much...

Some of you have written to me about how envious you were about me living successfully abroad. If I were you, I may feel the same.Most of my adult life is in UK, habis aje NCUK terus kena hantar datang sini. Tak sempat I nak belajar bersidai kat KLCC. Habis-habis gempak pun masa tu is at that rollerskate place kat Kotaraya tu (jaman batu niiii) or that Asia Jaya. Betul makpak I cakap...bila dah bergaji besok, lepaklah kat mana-mana yang I suka..buat lah apa-apa yang I nak. How all that is ringing true.

Living abroad together with your love ones may have been different. I am always alone here. Some years I was with someone, but you all must know how volatile that life was for me.Apart from winter cold, I jarang sakit. Kalau ada pun..macam sekarang ni..ialah sakit akibat perbuatan sendiri. So adik-adik, silalah minum air bergelen-gelen dan makanlah sayur-sayuran sampai tahik you jadi hijau ye...

We don't get multiple choices in life, sometimes. Kalau kita suka yang ini, kita kena lepas yang itu. It will be better if we know what is in store, but we don't.

We made sacrifices in life...ada yang dapat pahala, ada yang tambah dosa.But we have to do what makes us happy.Happy is now is such a subjective word that we sometimes don't even know what it means anymore.

You're happy that at last, the one person you've been crazy about for the last 16 years reciprocates your feeling. But, it is 16 years too late to start going back to how it was before.

You're happy that the fact that after so many dark days, you're now smiling again..have something to look forward to, have someone to call and have someone telling you that they miss you so much. But that person is not physically with you.

So, the point I want to make to you who thinks living abroad is great, happy dengan winter coat, daun luruh or salji...that everything great comes with a price.

Would you rather...having having pleasure in the eye but when comes to feeling pain, you're all by yourself..nak mengadu nasib dengan yang tersayang pun bakai BBM saja???

Can you stomach..in Raya Haji like this..when you're suppose to be stuffing your face, tak kisah lah makan lemang atas katil pun...being alone and painful in the hospital makeshift, in bend over position..trousers down..with everything sharp and big..buggered down your arse???

Can you bear...your so called best friend...shredding your heart, nevermind bontot you yang sakit tak terperi..tagging you in her FB picture ticket dia nengok Air Supply tu?

Apa motif dia? Nak putus sedara sangat kah????

Sekian...

Dream...That Is Unfortunately Not Free

I was looking at my blog production this year. NOT GOOD like the previous previous year. I realised that this year, I talked less about work. I am not sure if work lately has become so uninteresting, given UK current recession where the government made plenty of cutbacks.

Or is it...since earlier this year, my allegiance is channeled somewhere else? Kiah will jump at her first opportunity to slag me off on this one. Okay laa...love is love, but MC doesn;t know about this web sanctuary of mine and I am not about to tell also. Biarpun dia ada jugak membuat muka cuak bila kengkawan ketat memanggil I 'Makji'.

With this blog, I made and met new friends. I also met few people that I like and I don't quite like. Some I just tolerate and some, I just blatantly ignore.Although people announced their open-mindedness about our choice of friends, I think twice about letting them know my true feelings about them...pasalnya, often their open-mindedness itu adalah kata-kata cover and belakang cover adalah kata-kata caruts. Not that I mind orang caruts I, but it is always better no caruts than ada caruts...ataupun lebih mudah, walaupun kita takleh tutup mulut longkang orang yang nak ngata kita, tapi alangkah baiknya kalau kata-kata kutuk itu tak ada langsung. Tak gitu, Kiah????

To you followers of my blog, pardon me that sampai sekarang I tataulah apa jadahnya follower itu and apa fungsi sebenarnya but nevertheless, I sangat berterima kasih you all sanggup gak ikut blog I yang kurang pekdah lagi boleh meng induce kekurangan pahala ni. Those who messaged and offer to be my friends via FB, mintak mahaplah permintaan itu tak dapat I terima sebab FB itu adalah untuk kengkawan saja. Ada jugak kengkawan FB yang I tak pernah jumpa but kawan juga atas dasar ikhlasnya orang tu nak kawan dengan I siap buat research lagi nah...Cik M. Maaf na...I tak call you balik sebab aku busy makan karipap and I hope you're not in anyway affected by the banjir.

Hari ini I adalah sedikit emosi. Maybe sebab bulan bakal mengambang dan juga sekembalinya I kat sini, cuaca amat sejuk mengalahkan suhu dalam peti ais Toshiba dan I telah terjangkit deman kuss kuss. Ish...leceh tau bila demam kuss kuss ni...dah la bukan semudah ABC nak jumpa doktor. Dah la I takde boipren doktor....so nak tak nak, kenalah makan lemsip sampai baik sendiri.

Bila demam-demam camni, mulalah mengenangkan diri kita ni yang jauh dari makpak, adik beradik dan juga kekasih hati (pluekkkk) Bila sensorang, takde orang tanya kita dah baik ke...or nak tepek tangan atas dahi macamlah benda tu boleh jadi thermometre gitu. Takde orang nak offer buat sup ikan merah ataupun gosokkan vicks vapour rub tu. Semuanya Sdn.Bhd. you...

Adalah sorang peminat I ni...(dia la yang kata, bukan aku yang claim tau, Kiah...and btw, dia kata dia peminat kau jugak..hah, hati ada puas kah?) tanya I, Makji, you takde ke cita-cita nak balik Mesia for good...

Balik baru-baru ni, cita-cita tu jadi macam kabur sekejap. Actually sebelum I reunite dengan MC, I dah terpikir nak balik kerja kat Mesia. Tapi bila dah beli rumah, macam tak jadi pulak bcos we fought long and hard to get the house thing materialised. Then my rumahtangga dengan F jadik hancur lebur akhirnya and I thought, okaylah..leave all that behind but pikir punya pikir nanti it would be unfair to MB1 because for the last 13 years, we have done many, many things together and we needed each other more than any other ordinary married couple. But MB1 realised I need to be where my happiness is (she is referring to MC la ni...) MC cakap dia tak kisahhhhhh (dia suka cakap dia tak kisahhhhh, apa yang dia kisahhhh sebenarnya I pun tatau) as long as I happy tapi katanya, dia suka I dok dekat-dekat bukan 13 jam travelling with 8 hours time difference. We had spent the longest time together recently and parting again, wasn't easy. But I have to go to work where my work is :(

Cik Adik, bukan tak nak balik menabur bakti...dan berjumpa kekasih hati...(tetappp lah nak gatal) But it is not that easy. Kerajaan Malaysia tak suka dengan orang yang mereka rasa tidak normal. Mereka suka memenuhkan hospital saja and kurung mereka sampai mati. Saya nak tolong, saya pun tak berapa upaya. Kalau ada yang menolong pun, semua pergerakan charity orang bukan Islam yang ditaja oleh businessman cina yang kaya-raya tu. Orang melayu kalau kaya, tambah bini and tukar kereta and buat majlis kahwin grand-grand sampai kita yang tengok pun takut.

Tak apalah...saya akan berusaha dan menyimpan impian. For now, I can only dream. Kepada yang dichentai, now and again, when the loneliness gets the better of me, I will menyorok dalam duvet and nangis...and not tell anyone. Then I'll tell myself...okay...3 bulan...3 bulan...

I have also started to miss my little nieces and nephew too and my mother's gulai telur.

Kepada yang memerlukan bakti, I plan my dream in a way that I know how. The last 10 months, I have researched opportunities to work in Malaysia and I even have mates who's offering me jobs that I had to politely declined as I do not want to get back into unrewarding routine although it pays well. I told MC that my motivation is not about money anymore, although I need plenty of them. I want to help others. But without money, it is hard for me to help the needy soul, that is largely neglected. I am sorry that I am NOT crazy about helping the Palestinian like most Malaysian does. I have seen some Palestinians around yang membantutkan niat I even nak sedekah doa sekalipun. Punyalah buruk nya perangai. Malaysian seen only how Palestinian is hard done by, by the Israelis...but sama aje kejamnya memasing tu sesama mereka. I am conscious that some of you may not share my views but kita semua boleh berfikir and I hope if I am wrong, I should be convinced...but now, I just don't.

Okay, I am now raising funds for a place where the neglected one can come and be helped. Those who were affected by disease not fault of their own that affected their way of thinking. Those who majority of you think is dangerous in your community and therefore suitable in a lock up asylum. I want to help those who others think are different from them, those who others think are not normal like them.

This is a long shot. I may not raise enough money and maybe, I may not have enough money to do this but it is still a dream. I have few friends, both Jewish and Muslims together and other religions too, that has helped me created this website that should generate income for this dream. This is not religiously motivated however I do hope, as a Muslim that Allah will bestow me pahala for helping the needy, irregardless the beliefs.

So friends, friends and friends, please tell your other friends, friends and friends..wherever you are...to have a look at top right link, and help to spread the word. Spread this blog too. Lagi famous I, lagi cepat la kami-kami kumpul duit untuk tolong orang sakit kat Malaysia. Any income generated from the sale of the products listed will go directly to the proceed of this dream. Jaza'kallahu Khayran.

Sekian.

The Thing That We Think We Want....

Okay...ini adalah edisi Sri Siantan adhoc. So I am hoping that what I am about to write will help to ease your conscience.

I am so not the best person to give relationship advice, memandangkan aku pun tergolong dalam set-set sucker for punishment jugaks. It is so obvious that I live in wonderland. That's what happen when you're madly in love....uhuhuhhhh...or just mad. Okay..let's just agree on 'just MAD'...boleh? Ye lah..kalau dah seratus ribu orang kata..ala, lupakan jelah biawak tu, takde hasil pun..tapi kalau hati kata chenta, biawak pun serasa macam chihuahua Paris Hilton, kan?

The job that I'm in really helps me to understand other people (but myself)..I made excuses over silliest thing and I am this very overly understanding person...to my lover. Do you know that song by Tracy Chapman...2 weeks in a virginia jail etc, etc...for my lover...for my lover.

So, enough la about me, and the like of me..as in..soft, very understanding ( I am so not blowing my own trumpet ni tau...tak caya..tanyalah si empunya tanah tu...)

We always want something extra and very not so ordinary...in life. We said we are happy with the suffice but we actually dreaming the superlative.Kalau kita kaki clubbing, minum air batu...as in air yang sama macam batu or just kaki anything but duduk rumah diam-diam tengok Pojiah Latip, kita mengimpikan kekasih hati yang seropa peel macam kita jua. Tak pun, kita mahukan laki or bini yang beriman...walaupun iman kita tak lah banyak mana pun. Ye lah..macam jantan yang nak pompuan set-set mithali untuk dijadikan bini tapi dia nya ber statuskan jantan joget juara bertahan Piala Joget Lambak. Patutnya, kalau dah kaki joget tu, pi la carik pompuan joget jugaks kan??? Tak....pompuan kaki joget takleh dibuat bini katanya...some men eh?

Tapi..tak semua orang yang kita suka tu ber hobi or ber criteria sama macam kita. Kalau ada yang serupa peel cam kita pun, mesti dia tu set-set cemburu buta tak pun kaki kontrol or ada ajelah benda yang dibuatnya mampu menyakitkan hati kita. We love it when everybody just say YES to us. But when we do get them YES person, kita nak orang yang ada challenging nature pulak.

I think most of us are able to distinguish pure feelings and animal instinct.We love to feel safe in our relationship. Safety yang macam mana, ikut lah interpretation kita. Some of us are very lucky yang kita ni disayang dek partner kita sepenuh jiwa raga walaupun perangai kita seropa puaka. Kenapakah mereka itu buta dan apakah sebabnya mereka tu terlampau chenta???? Ohh..jawapan itu hanya mereka tu ajelah yang tahu...dan percayalah, rasanya orang yang chenta you macam nak mampus tu pun maybe tak tahu juga kenapa mereka jadi bangang begitu sekali.

Selfish kah kita, when we started to feel so inadequate in our life? Suddenly feeling safe is not good enough and we yearn more controversial life? Yes, he/she is nice...understanding...loving...caring...blardy blardy bla...but I need more spark, I need complexity...kata hati kita. I love to go into psychobable details but it would be unfair to generalise what we suspect can be insufficient in our earlier life that made us so selfish now.

I believe that most selfish people are secretly very lonely. They know what they want in life but loneliness created more particles inside them that urgently, to them, need filling in.

That's why...the safest option is to have fantasy. Make this fantasy your escapism.We know very well that although we dream and fantasised about them who are the complete opposite, deep down we know that safety come first.

I hope all this make sense.

Cerita Mu...Cerita Ku

Mentang-mentang MU dah hapdate..sesedap mulut MU ye menyindir-nyindir kieww? Patutnya MU lah patut rajin hapdate. MU banyak cerita. Kalau KU yang cerita balik-balik kisah chenta KU yang MU tak berapa soka.

Baru-baru ni, masa ada persidangan makan banyak kat KLCC, I dengan kawan-kawan sepermakanan I pun bergebang lah pasal orang-orang tertentu yang I rasa, dengan tanpa sebab munasabah suka benar nak over impress orang. Well, orang-orang yang nak di impress itu, rasanya lah ialah diri KU. Tataulah apesallll. Nak kata KU ni glamer...idoklah juga walaupun Kiah suka benau kata aku ni tergolong dalam orang ramai peminat. Cehh...apalah yang hendak diminatkan dengan I ni. Dah le sombong...bongkak pulak tu. But dalam sesombong-sombong diri KU, harap-harap janganlah kengkawan ketat yang mengenali diri KU tetiba lak taknak kawan dengan ku dan sudilah kiranya menerima KU seadanya walaupun KU bebaru ni tidaklah se efficient selalu.

Pun bagitu, KU rasanya nak lah sikit cakap pasal certain-certain someone yang KU agak menyampah. Biasalah, KU ka suka ngutuk. Speaking about the need to stand out in a conversation dengan kengkawan, KU rasa lainkali MU pilihlah topic yang seswai dan mudah diterima oleh orang yang tak berapa kenal diri MU yang khabarnya, idoklah digemari ramai ittew. Kadang-kadang apa yang kita cakap pada orang akan direpeat kembali mengikut interpretation orang yang mendengar ittew. You are lucky if that person happens to listen with his/her open mind and probably just want to brush you off as orang sasau terlebih Vodka. MU takpayah lah nak bagitau orang hal-hal kain cawat MU. Kalau MU happy dengan hidup MU, alhamdulliah...KU sungguh happy tapi apa MU buat dengan hidup MU yang MU sendiri tahu tak semua orang suka mendengarnya, takpayahlah MU nak broadcast sampai ke Angola, ye? Kadang-kadang MU tak tahu yang orang yang MU nak impress ataupun nak buat mega first impression sesangat tu lebih banyak makan garam (owh ini tak bagus untuk kesihatan...) dari MU. Orang yang terlebih garam ni kenkadang dah tak heran dengan cerita MU yang pada mereka ittew hanyalah macam Rotweiller menyalak kat pencuri. Orang kenkadang tak heran dengan siapa MU bergewe or berapa orang gewe MU dalam tempoh 17 tahun.

MU kena ingat, there's things that should remain private and is certainly not conversation materials. Lagipun, when people repeat things, macam-macam versions yang akan keluar. MU cakap kat orang A macam ni tapi bila dengan orang B macam ni. So bila A dengan B casually berborak, terkeluar cerita MU and dapat tahu MU telah membongak. Hah...lagilahhhh orang tak suka ke MU.

Lagi satu kan MU, kalaulah MU rasa ferlu untuk menongkat dagu mu setinggi pokok Pine, kalau MU nak auta pun, MU studylah benda yang Mu nak tipu tu. Mu tak tahu, orang yang MU auta tu pun pernah masuk UNI walaupun dia tak pass satu paper.Suffice say...aiyoh..kita orang bukan bodoh laa MU!!!! Sekarang KU dah tahu MU dari dulu memang kaki auta. Ingatkan dah lanjut umur ni MU mungkin dah berubah. Takkkk....so, since bercakap bohong memang hobi MU dari dulu, nasihat KU, alang-alang MU nak menipu sangat tu, MU investlah dalam electronic diary so that MU boleh keep track cerita MU. Berbohong ni kena ada skill. Always remember the first lie you told and it will generate to the next.

KU tahu MU suka jadi the centre of attention. Kalau boleh, MU nak semua orang tahu pasal cerita-cerita MU. Kalau orang pernah jatuh chenta berdebup dengan Mat Salleh mana, MU pun begitu jua. Pendek kata, apa saja pengalaman hidup orang serupa jugalah dengan pengalaman MU and MU punya version laaaagiiiiiiii bak Jennifer Lopez la glamer nya. MU selalu kompang MU rindukan suasana dan ketika MU makan Salmon Skin Roll kat Jepun, padahal kan MU kedai sushi berlambakkkkk kat KL. MU ingat MU sorang saja ke yang pernah dok kat Jepun tu????

Okey laa..sekarang balik kat cerita KU balik, bley?

Setelah 5 bulan KU tak jumpa kekasih hati, KU balik lah bebaru ni untuk melepas rindu. Well, chenta itu kenkadang bukanlah macam sekatil bunga Ros okehhh? KU dengan MC adalah jugak mengalami head on collision sampai ku dah rasa, okaylah..habiskanlah cuti yang telah diplan ini. Balik semula ke tanah sejuk ni, habislah kita. Dalam hidup KU, KU hanya pernah jatuh chenta golek-golek dengan dua orang saja. Dengan dua-dua pun KU tak pernah gaduh. Kalau bengang pun cakap baik-baik saja...pastu nangis sensorang. Tu lah kerja KU. So baru-baru ni KU cakap dengan MC, okaylah MU buatlah apa-apa yang MU suka. Yelah, KU nak cakap apa kann? KU dah malas nak pening-pening dan muntah-muntah (ohh if everrr) Memanglah KU chenta macam nak tercabut kepala lutut tapi kalau orang dah rasa lain...KU nak buat macam mana? Kuciwa??? Iskk..jangan cakaplahh...but kita ni dinasihatkan supaya jangan menyeksa diri dengan benda yang kita tak boleh kontrol.

Tetapikannnnnn.....selepas 3 jam dia cakap...ohh I want freedom, malam tu jugak orang itu bertukar menjadi pungguk. Dan selepas dari hari itu sehinggalah sekarang, kami dua-dua pun jadik pungguk jugak.

So, sebagai pelakon cerita Padaiyappa, kami pun membuat janji-janji Padaiyappa lagi. So Kiah...thank you for being there when I was crash and burn...and got thawed back. Cam shialll aje kan?