About Me

Monday, December 06, 2010

Is This Self-Pity???

Hari ni kannnn....I terkenang kat the-one-yang-dah-mati tu....iskk, tatau lah apasal. Since I berhijrah datang ke sini (selepas incident ku tahu bininya mengandung walaupun gigih dia mempropah-ganda kan kat I masa tu yang mereka punya marriage dah nyenyawa kopok ikan) I decided to no longer keep anything that will remind me of him. Even his Man U shirt pun I dah buang...gambar dah langsung takde. Habis-habis semua dah masuk lori MPSJ. (ke MPPJ masa tu?)

Banyak betul moral issue masa tu. Walaupun katanya dia nak bercerai, officially dia tu laki orang. That made me the other woman. Walaupun I ni pompuan yang diajaknya kawin depan mak nya, reality is, bukan nama aku yang dalam surat nikah dia tu. By the time people close to me finds out about who I was going out with, the word 'laki orang' naik mencanak dulu. Kemarahan Appa masa tu, jangan cakap lahh kann...dah le anak nya ni set-set pendiam dan tak pernah menimbulkan masalah, tetiba..tahu-tahu, berkawan dengan laki orang??? Wahh....marahnya dia masa tu.

That was the time for me yang I pun cakap dengan diri I, enough is enough. (Tapi..time-time ni la jugak I dah start ber scandal dengan MC, yang juga tidak kurang scandalous nya ittew.hihihi) But none of that was working. I was really hanging by threads. My work was at its prime. I had everthing. The only thing missing was the one that I really love.

I kan tengah ber mood 'mmmmm tengoklah' dengan MC sekarang ni, so masa nilah selalunya ke vulnerability an I sungguh terserlah and I can go on feeling sorry for myself, tanpa ada orang tahu pun. Biasalah....orang tak ramai peminat macam I ni, kalau merajuk, siapalah yang perasan kann?

With MC, I now realised that merajuk dengan dia, tak kan adanya membawa hasil. Pasalnya..most time, dia tak akan perasan pun I ni merajuk and kalaulah dia perasan, dia akan buat tak tahu...until the next time dia bercakap dengan I dengan komen yang paling tak sensitive like..you sudahlah nak upset-upset ni. Wah, cenggitu ke menunjukkan kasih sayang kat gilpren yang jauh dimata ni? Tak pun dia akan cakap..you dah okay dah? Kalau tak okay, nantilah kita sembang..let me know bila you dah okay ye...babai..I nak gi main pool. Shialll sungguh kan? kan? kan?

But, ni lah dia nya orang aku chenta. So..until kepala I terhantuk kat bucu katil dan tersedar betapa huduh nya perangai dia...maka orang ini lah yang akan ku visit bila adanya masa dan duit yang terluang.

Why was I thinking about the-one-yang-dah-mati then? Pasalnya..dua-dua tu macam serupa aje perangai nya. Dua-duanya berkarekter artis popular bangsa jalan tak jejak bumi ni. Sepanjang and selama I berkawan dengan kedua-dua nya, I belum pernah lagi lah bergaduh..I'm not sure if kecik ati tak bertegur sapa can be classified as pergaduhan domestic. Oh, kalau yang tu, selalu laa...alike Kiah, I selalu tulis surat kat yang dah mati tu, meluahkan ketakpuasan hati. Nak cakap direct, we hardly see each other pun. I dedolu bukan macam I sekarang...I dedolu memang typical MCS yang menyimpan semua dalam hati..pastu lariiiii tak pandang-pandang belakang. Masa tu, I belum ada kepandaian untuk counter menjawab bila samdol tu cakap..apa masalahnya..siap dengan muka-muka tak bersalahnya, as if dia lupa dia telah melakukan kesalahan besar and conveniently make me look aku la yang macam pencari pasal yang berwibawa.

So, logic ke nak bergaduh dengan orang macam tu? Pouring my heart out through a letter was my only best option to get my message across to him. So that saves him from adegan buat-buat lupa and adegan mengelat yang sungguhlah dia pakar. I did that to MC too...but nothing has change. Ni cerita dedolu.

MC is still alive and I got the chance to ask and to tell betapa, adakalanya perangai huduhnya adalah menyakitkan hati. But I'm not sure if this is a tactic or somekind of a clever strategy where dia akan diammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm saja.

Bila dia diam.....apa lagi yang boleh kukata kan??? Ku pun diammmm jugaklah kannn?

Before I always wonder what its like...if I do fight for my love for the dah mati, and melayan email-email chenta nya mengajak ku kembali tu. But besides their perangai huduh, both got good heart. I know the one yang dah mati had a hostile relationship with his ex wife, so is MC with the exes.

We always want things that we think other people have. We think that other happy couples have perfect relationships. Kita tengok lakibini jalan pegang-pegang tangan gelak-gelak gatal bersama, kita ni yang gersang kasih sayang mahukan yang macam tu jugak. Because of this made up expectation...kita pun rasa partner kita kenalah macam tu jugak. We forget that human in itself is complex and cause complexity. We are different with one another...and having said that, we express ourself differently. For all this, I am always fogiving. Kiranya, I understand their complexity and resigned to the fact that I am loved by them in their own special way...(kununnn..idok lah sepesiallll mana pun rasanya..)

But I am sad. Here I am making excuses...or maybe trying to understand them underneath, and why...why was and why is it so difficult for them to make me feel that, for once..I am all that matter??? Why does it have to be me to be the one who is emotinally considerate?

Tak sayanggg kah mereka-mereka ni kat I????

13 comments:

Yati Harvey said...

Hjh,

Actually ramai lelaki tak pandai bab expression nih. Dunno why, genetically defective kot....hahaha.
To me, selagi dia setia,yg lain kita absorb jelah. I still think lelaki cakap sayang suara romantik tapi perabih duit main judi, tagih dadah ,beromen betina lain belakang kita is a worse deal...my 1 sen opinion lah.

Anonymous said...

mak ji...setuju ngan yati...yg penting si dia setia, tak tinggal solat, tak yah nk suruh2 'abg dah solat ke' eee...xyah laa nak romantik2 tu...penipu kaedah nyer....hu3
my 1 1/2 cents ...

rose

aking said...

kannnnnnnnnn bab tak pujuk tu mek tahu prangai sutir ge org ni*ops*

pastu kalau org tsyg ckp apa je mula lah senyap, tobak ni dok royalt pun uols, kire sentap--->ce mu tgk muka n mata dia

last part....mek rasa weols mmg jenis baik dgn exes sep mak dgn tabib tu

Dibiee said...

I like this entry.. Making me think more than usual.. Yup every where just the same.. This is what i am facing too.. I guess we are not alone.

zamyraland said...

Dear Esah, dont lower ur standards lah. There are men yg baik dan sensitive like u want. Belum jumpa lagi lah tu...dont settle for less coz u will still be lonely anyway.

NenekPenne said...

romantik itu sungguh menggelikan...

nbns said...

Makji,

Rumput mmg nampak ijau kt laman org..tp kalo ijau tu lalang penuh semalu ngan ular..takyah lah..

Btw, spesis xy nih mmg selective memory/hearing etc..Merajuk?? Talk to me when u r done merajuking.

Kalau belum kawin pun tak pujuk, dah kawin..hampeh..

-nbns-

Manal said...

Maybe u have been "the ideal woman" for them. Someone they wud want in a woman and worship too. But really, u are looking for things that really are natural to any redblooded woman: bonding, marriage, wanting to be together, and be able to love and be loved and getting reciprocated the way our parents are (the ones yg never divorced la) or the way the movies/novels are. I rasa deep down MC memang have a BIG soft spot for u la makji. But then he probably isnt looking for a "reality check". As in he prefers the way things are and thats what makes him just go on and on kot. And MayBe laaa , and not that i m saying u r, that u R attracted to these sort of men? Dunno la if u dared enuf to ask those questions posed in "Think like a Man, Act like a Lady"? link:http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Steve-Harvey-Book-Excerpt

Sure we women tend to accept those differences like men being less sensitive or prefer to be one and all. However much we see them as a really opposite sex, it amazes me and this is based on my own experience la,they are not so much different than us pun. In fact, they want to be manja2 kan more and crave for our attention. Its just that sometimes women need it for security/act of affirming their man's love and man may see it as something a woman shud naturally understand, hoping she too imparts more "motherly instinct" and all that shayt.

And seriously laa, when he felt that he can no longer live without u, he'll do anything "to stay alive" and u will be his one and only oxygen supply so to speak.

Anonymous said...

Hjh..
marriage life tak seindah yg kita gambarkan mcm dalam pilem2 tuh..yes ada pasang surut..kadang ok kadang tak..cuma as Yati Harvey ckp i agree...tu pun dah cukup baik. Kita x bole harap 100% kesempurnaan dari seorang lelaki..tu sbb Dato Fadzilah kata, kekurang dan kelebihan somi dan isteri tu ada pelengkap untuk satu hubungan bernama umah tangga...Me? being 14years now, still struggling..still surviving..Insya Allah..Until you mengalaminya, you wont know the real stories kan...dgr org citer dan mengalaminya ada 2 perkara yg sgt berbeza....

Anna_M

Anonymous said...

manal ni kalo komen macam buat karangan. *tiba-tiba carik pasal* hehe hampun makji.

i digress. wanita2 sekelian, ingatlah bahawa laki ni kalau dia nak, they'll make it work/put effort into it. kalau tak nak, diorg alakadar je. sekian.

-kak nam

Manal said...

kak nam, sebab time tu sentimental haha...

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Ohh..I just love reading your feedback...whatever state of mind you're in when writing it.

Grass is green when its green. There might be ular daun camouflaging in between the grass and kita tak perasan. But snake is still snake and grass is still grass, and they're unlikely going to turn into something else..unless they died. Hehehe..saborrrr aje la kannn?

Anonymous said...

I am marrying lelaki berwatak yg sama spt dlm karangan diatas. waktu berpacaran, i was in dilemma just like kak esah. now that almost 3 thn kami kawin, i actually saw his romantic gestures dlm perkara2 yg dia buat. kalau definisi romantik i spt yg ada di komersil kan di tv, laki i ni mmg out habis (itulah yg i dambakan sbnrnya). tp bila i accept the fact that laki i ni dari kategori romantik yg tak komersil, i rasa lebih bahagia :) krn i dah install his version of "display of affection" in my processor.

mana aci i yg kena faham dia? betul. mmg tak aci. tapi, bila fikirkan dia pun susah juga nak get along dgn fikiran complex prempuan mcm i, nak itu nak ini i, mcmtu mcmni i. so i rasa, tak apalah i buat sikit adjustment so both of us blh bergerak selesa, bkn bebas :P

tp kan kak hjh esah, i mmg la kena buat adjustment utk maintain pasal dia laki i kan? takkan nak buang pulak. lain la kalu masik pacaran...boleh buang kalau tak nak. kalu sayang, blh recycle atau refurbish :P

Take care kak hjh esah :)