About Me

Sunday, May 06, 2007

What Else Is New?

I'm fighting the contractual cold, still not off work and still got call to fix other people commiseration.Like there is nothing better to do.Wait up...this is a better thing to do, so sudah-sudah lah nak komplen ye, diri sendiri. I am so determine to write something after having couple days of rest,not that I am a much sought after writer but this is good for the soul. Things is still where I left them, emptying bowel is still a battle after berkoyan-koyan lemon juice dah ku telan...and I am still ignoring Specsavers. There's nothing new apart from F is now asking for dissolution and Kate Middleton just announced that reason behind William Windsor dumping her is because of his dad.Dah lah tu Kate, gi lah cari orang lain.Awak tu bukannya tak lawa.

My therapist is asking me to increase my therapy session,with reason that I am now taking much more complicated case and soon, it is going to be tough on me.I agree but increasing session means increasing money that I need to be part with when settling his invoice.My fellow coursemate suggest that I negotiate, something that I am not good at but desperately need to do.But I know that this is something that I should worry later rather than now, since I will only be seeing him by the end of June.

I am sorry to hear about your discomfort, who ever you are that is so kind to share.My kind words will be,this is something that we have to come across in our life journey as a human.You will get over this and you will be strong and later, you will remember this and laugh it off.Always remember that before we can laugh things off, we are given a responsibility and I understand that not all of them is easy. We want to be dispensing wisdom in our own way, distiling experience to illustrate the problems that occur from time to time again. From this, we will examine how hard it can be to accept responsibility.Responsibility is an act of will and we have a choice.

When I was training to do what I do now, I was force to face my demon.In fact, I still am.Most of the time,I don't know who or what it is.Is easy to declare that we are facing the moment of distress but quite often, don't know what we are really distressed about, apart from picking the most obvious choice, work and family.

I can't help to think that this generations are full of hatred.Countless session that I had listening to how people demonstrate their anger to their family and partner.They turn up very calm and behind that,long awaiting hatred zone is about to open.I have people telling me that I am full of anger even though my display is sensationally demure...well, in a way.Tak mau lah nak exaggerate kan Kiah ?

Most of them angry fellow,talked openly to me about their anger but failed to tell the person they are angry with.In some cases, they just can't because they love them.True, people that we love the most is always the one that will hurt us the worst. Cultural difference can contribute to this complications.We are sometimes very angry at our parents and our parents, being a parents will never admit defeat to the person they have created.As a child, we fear rejection and people with fear of rejection tend to behave defensively.As we get older, we developed our defence mechanism and no longer needing our parents to defend us, and this for parents is an act hard for them to swallow.We sensed this feeling and developed guilt and when we are succumb with guilt,we see everything as a competition.

I don't have a good example to make reference to, but I want to tell you about my guilt feeling towards my mother.The first 17 years of my life was filled with a bad impression of her.We have a over powering father who will take no for an answer.As a sensitive soul,I need her badly and I guessed her only mistake (if any) is failed to notice that behind the less trouble that I caused my parents, there lies a miserable child that needed attention but just don't know how to reach out.I became the quiet one and asked nothing and that is a parents delight.To have less trouble-making child.I was very angry at my mother for many reasons.It took me a while to get over that and to rebuild.I spoke about my mother with an insight in my therapy.There was a time that I wanted to confront her and to let things off my chest.It wasn't a bad thing but I was feeling very guilty of having that bad feeling for her.It is not normal for a malay child to tell their parents what they think of them.My therapist was goading me to let off but deep inside I know, I can't.

My mother made mistakes but we never fall out.I don't think she realised that for 17years I was angry at her,and I think that feeling should be left untold.I suffer the aftermath of that, by not able to talk longer than 5 minutes with her. I just wish before our life ends, we can be normal, normal as in my other sister's relationship with her.

There is a type of vengeance that don't need revenge.In fact, we don't need to get a revenge in almost everything.The best thing is to move on.I have offered this to some of you of how, we first have to forgive ourselves for being for so upset and angry and then forgive them, for making us angry. Sometimes, it is not always about us.Sad, but true.

If I can say more...I will but I am like you, angry when needed to be.Take care.

4 comments:

rockafella gurl said...

WHATT?? 17 years uol memendam rase dgn ur mummy? ishkkk... tak baik mak aji camtu.. how bad she is, she STILL ur flesh & blood nok.

Since Mother's Day pon juz around da koner2 kn.. koling2 ler mother u kat Mesia ni, at least... take care nok!

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Apa yang tak baik, Yanz...baca sekali lagikkkkkk....pemahaman kena betul.

BTW, mother's day dah lepas...card pun dah hantar...hehehe

rockafella gurl said...

huh? salah kaa cekgu? urmm.. my mistake tp kn Han...

MOTHER'S DAY is actually dis SUNDAY lerr... aiyoo! uols dh silap.. nvrmnd.. ter-early seminggu.. org kat mesia pn trsilap ingat dh lps.. pdhal blom lg laa..

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Mothers Day on 18th March lah Yanz...I ikut time England...hehehe