About Me

Sunday, May 20, 2007

My Unquiet Conscience

My Sleeping Partner...Dek Bilik Macam Tongkang,Taktau Dia Ni selama ni Pergi Mana
Baru Nampak Cam Katil Orang...
Siap Polished Lagi You All....
Wahh...Meh La Datang Tidur Kat Bilik I Yang Dah Kemas ni...

What is it? I suppose, in this case it may as well mean a feeling that you've done something wrong, or not done something you should.More appropriately named guilt, as it can manifest itself in many different ways.(Wah..I so have so many times in my hand right now)

I spoke to my mother today. I just realised that I haven't been in touch with her for quite a while. We are not that close, and I honestly don't mean it in a bad way. It is just we spent time apart way much longer than we should and the fact that I am so quiet when I was growing up made the ice between us melted slower. We spoke for about 10 minutes (in my personal achievements,lama tu...) and as usual before both of us end the conversation, my mother will always say 'jangan lupa sembahyang'.'We are not there to protect you and you should seek Allah to look after you'.Tak nak nangis ke dengar tu?

This is it!! The only thing that gave me a smack right to my face. When was the last time I pray? When I was in KL? Yeah, that maybe was the last time people can see me clad in a telekung doing the physical movement of praying. Somewhere around the house today, I remember that I have a pair of telekung somewhere in my wardrobe. I hope it is still white, you know lah, since it's habitation is in the chest drawer along with other irregular used clothes, a contagion of other colour must have swept through.It makes me think that white is such a vulnerable colour, yang sungguh tak practical tapi, masih ramai jugak orang yang suka pakai. Being a muslim, I have everything in my house that could signify a muslim's household. Prayer's mat, Al-Quran, Tasbih, Ayat Kursi and telekung. I read Al-Quran during the Ramadhan (as in read only not recite) and religiously flicked the tasbih whenever I feel needed too. Most of the time, I am the biggest 'Syaitan' and will convinced myself that however bad, I am still, way much better than the cleric that preached hatred asking Muslim killing all the Jews and the notoriously bangang Suicide Bomber. My muslim's friends even jokes about me yang larat berpuasa sebulan tapi malas sembahyang.My answer to that is if I can't do all, I'll do the bit.For a gastric-striken sufferer, fasting is far more difficult from praying, but somehow,tak tau setan mana yang bertenggek, malas betul nak buat ibadah yang 5 waktu ni.

But that doesn't stop me feeling so guilty lying...erm..not really...okay, not admitting the truth to my mother. This has somehow become unresolved guilt, that niggling itch that I have wronged someone,even if is wasn't intentional.

Suddenly I feel really bad. People says that a mother always know it when the children lies. I assumed she may have an inkling about me not being entirely honest but my mother, will forever think of nicest things about her children.

To add pain to my injury, I termakan babi pulak hari ni.Cehh...ni semua MB punya pasal.This is a common scenario when your eyes is hungrier than your tummy.The babi (bacon to be exact), terselit-selit lah pulak in that sandwich kan? Haram jadah betul. I came home feeling so dirty and started cleaning my room and cleansing my throat with plenty food dengan harapan daging babi tu akan keluarlah dari dalam badan I dan menjadi taik serta-merta.

I now quietly pray that one day (sooner) I will rise from my lazy dan jahilness, and start to sembahyang.And become vegetarian too (asyik dok terkantoi je makan Biba ni..apa hal?)