A Tribute To Nicholas Davis

(Nicholas Davis, taken in 2005)

(Continued) Haiyoo...you all, I was so terkejut sampai habis dry apricot I telan (habis pastu ciritbirit) after hearing that news. The things is, I knew he had cancer but he was given the all clear years back. Before Xmas last year, he called me when I was driving, my client answer the phone and we just passing on messages to each other. I invited him for our Xmas do so that we can do a bit of catching up, and Nicholas being a busy man that he is, politely turned it down as he already promised to another venue.We spoke on the phone briefly somewhere in January and he told me how he has been ill with having cancer in remission, but at that time he sounded alright and we again planning to meet up.Of course the meeting up never happened as I am so cut off from everyone (even my partner) to know what is happening.

One of my casual staff know MB1 and they chatted while MB was waiting for me.On the way home, MB told me about what she heard from this casual staff of mine that Nicholas Davis only have 4 weeks to live as he is suffering from cancer...something that I know but busy to take on seriously.I was in 2 minds, manalah tau, kot kot that news was fabricated, but when come to think about it, who would want to buat cerita-cerita macam ni kan? I decided to call his mobile (how I have to called the HQ asking for a copy of the old telephone list), still unsure if the number is still inuse.I got to the voice mailbox and it was his voice recorded message.I left a message and hours after that, I realised how stupid that message is.What I briefly said is that 'Ohh..Nicholas, I heard some news about you, it is not good and I hope it is not true.Let's meet up..this is my number or my office number xxxxxx'. Camana nak meet up kalau dia dah dekat nak padam kan?

In the end, I decided to email using his old email address yang I tak tahu masih valid ke tidak...I don't know why but I feel that he is slipping away anytime soon.But I rather keep that thought in my head.

Nicholas Davis and I are always in good term.We have this friendly professional relationship but he is the only one that I confide in, everytime I have massive work and emotional issue and because he is a qualified psychoteraphist, he always made me feel at ease.When he was promoted to the higher managerial role, he named me as his successor and have supported me throughout.He left the organisation a year and a half ago and we still keep in touch. I have a feeling that his health was stopping him from socialising and my work is bracing me against the world.

In the email that I composed to him, I said the things that I wish I had said to him before. I also said that I wish him well for the sake of his wife and his young kids. Nicholas Davis is only 33 and he have so much to live for.What I also said in my email is that, if what I heard is true (about him dying) how I wish who ever that read this mail may pass on the message to him and if I don't get the chance to see him again, this email is my goodbye and he will be the person that I will remember for a very,very long time.

Hope he will pull through...just like before.

Wednesday Note

Can you just believe that it took me ages to finish off this post? What happened was (if you really want to know) someone was so clever, accepting this incoming pop-ups promising a free flight to New York.That is it, the file contained some very weird virus that freezes the whole bloody thing. That is what happened to the 1st computer. As for the 2nd one, one Monica Gellar like, decided to spring clean the flat by dusting, cleverly removed the connecting socket to the router and what do you know, my desktop is unable to receive any signal. It took me ages to repair the whole lot, plus I dengan takde masanya, membanting tulang hiarrh...hiarrrhhh...(disamping nak mengajarlah yang dua orang tu kan..sedap makai aje..bila dah rosak..tersipu-sipu pulak duduk diam-diam) Ingat kau..lenkali..kalau ada orang nak bagi rumah free pun, jangan pepandai nak accept-accept file bagai ye? You hear!!!!

I actually want to wish DBI and Ustazah Bella a happy anniversary. Speaking of anniversary, I never knew my parents wedding anniversary...and the whole time they been married, tak pernah lah pulak nampak sejambang bunga ke or anything that could suggest my father being a romantic kind unless seeing my mother heavily pregnant. I do remember my mother cooked us a nice food to celebrate his birthday but never seen anything reciprocal from the big boss. However, I do believe that some men find it so painful to express their feeling feehlong ni...and maybe my father is one of them...and until now,after their divorce, my mother never complaints. If its were me, habis dah kisah kejahatan laki ku ku war war kan serata alam. (Pasal tu lah tak berlaki sampai sekarang gamak nya)

On a different notes, all 3 of us have decided to move out from our very beautiful flat that is owned by a very good looking gay man (psstt...kaya dia ni you all...baru je beli yatch berharga 1/2 millions kat Canary Wharf sinun) We gave our notice few days ago, he came round and looking so sad that tenants nya yang baik-baik cam kita orang ni nak blah...but what to do, I have to move on. MB's is moving into MB2 mums so that they can look after her, and I, have to start being a obedient partner. We will be leaving the flat by 1st of September and before that, as a farewell, akan ku organise party gila-gila to mark our end of era living in one of the poshest flat kat Isleworth town ini. But, my new home will be only 10 minutes walking distance from Emirates....so, you all yang support Arsenal tu, silalah jelessss ye.

If you read my previous post, there was this regret about losing some small post it with contact information of a person I so want to keep in touch. That person is my ex boss.At work today, I was told that he has only 4 weeks to live.Apparently his cancer returns. Hmmmmm.....(to be continued)

Night-Night you all.

In Life, You Can Sometime Only Wish...

My Agenda

I am quite pleased with myself lately. I have been reading, not only other blogs, I also read all those online newspapers, some I even never heard about. There’s few things that is so appeal to me that as usual, being the uninteresting person that I am, storing every little dust particles in my head. My partner often complaint about me watching all those TV soaps and get tangled into their life gossips and abandoning the real life event. But again, I am not a compulsive reader, and I like those that are not mind throbbing stuff, but interesting enough to get a mention in my blog.Read on.

Berita nombor 1 : In METRO newspaper. My heart goes to that poor tudung girl that was molested by that motorcycle gang. I can’t stop thinking about it and what sort of emotional trauma that girl is in now. What with new age boys and their cheap thrill heh? If only that tudung girl ada karate black belt and strong enough to give that gang a hard kick at their konek, biar nya dia merasa.Cisss!!! How I wish all nice girl everywhere in the world are allowed to carry gun in their handbag and to utilise it in time like this…and the next day, how the victims of the gun shot will be named and shamed as ‘Jantan Siamang Mati Ditembak Ketika Cuba Mencabul Seorang Perempuan’. Syabas kepada perempuan yang menembak itu.

Berita nombor 2 : I come across reading some forum column in Utusan Malaysia about this disgruntled Malay Girl yang marah sangat dengan lelaki melayu, kununnya, dia tak suka lah dirinya yang lulusan oversea tu di ngorat oleh bebudak sekolah ni. She sums up that all Malay man has issues. But, aren’t all men, Malay or not have issues? Who ever she is, well, lots of Malaysian has gone overseas to study and to work. I really can’t tell what sort of quality of person judging from where they were educated from. I know some Malays here yang dah duduk bermastautin dari jaman Tok-Tok Ki, yang you expect to have some kind of respectable intelligence, but masih jugak macam tikus didalam kotak kasut (kesian lah kat katak yang bawah tempurung itu) It is so hard to tell, it is down to the person and how they look at things. Questioning other person mentality is a very, very sensitive issue…because we for once, cannot generalise and we cannot read people’s mind. We can have a very educated Muslim who will refuse to eat kuey teow in a Chinese coffee shop and another don’t mind where they eat as long as they don’t eat babi (sensitipnya…maklum lah aku baru termakan babi recently ni) So, one person opinion can be another person objection. Bottom line is, kita jangan seksa kucing….(eh, apa kena mengena?)

When I balik KL last year, while waiting for that METRO bus in Sunway Pyramid, I got accosted by young boys that thought I maybe younger than them. Not to mention lah yang I ni ada youthful look. There were 4 of them, pheeewitt’ing and trying very hard practicing their kononnya cool chat-up lines with me. The first thing that came up to my head is that these boys are probably bored and in my opinion they are just trying to amuse themselves by working on one of their creative side, yakni, mengacau orang. They bagi salam, I jawab their salam…(tak jawab berdosa lah pulak kan?) they asked my name, I answered them…so harmless. They were just having fun. Honestly, in reality, I will never ever go out with any of them…( not my taste lah you all…kekwatnya) but, I don’t think it is fair for them to be labelled 'bermasalah' just because they like to mengorat anak-anak dara (ye lahhhhh) macam I ni. I agree with the fact that some boys bermasalah, but I think the masalah came from what the boys has to go through to in their natural adolescent period. They were badly repressed, tu tak boleh, ni tak boleh and naturally, anak-anak muda ni, like anak-anak muda elsewhere in the world, will find an alternative to amuse themselves, and salah satu darinya ialah membuang masa and mengacau anak-anak dara orang. If I am that Malay Girl, I will be very worried if budak-budak datang ugut I…but if they just come to pheewwwittt, small talk, buat apalah nak sensitive lebih-lebih? There’s always a way to repel them and I believe, orang tak belajar oversea pun can read between the lines, kalau yang di ngorat tu tak layan, they will start mengorating other people and leave you alone. So, Cik Kak yang belajar kat New Zealand tu, kalau tak suka kena usyar dengan budak-budak lelaki yang nakal-nakal ni, janganlah keluar rumah ye, dok diam-diam, mengaji Quran..ada pekdah.

Berita nombor 3 – This disgruntled Malay Lady has written her ketidakpuasan hati and got them published in the newspaper read by Malays by majority. Haruslah kau mencari penyakit kan Kak Long? Tak kah kau tahu betapa sensitipnya orang melayu? One well-traveled pakcik commented on her and this pakcik also (in my opinion) made a mistake by generalising other international based people macam I ni. The pakcik has written in response to Malay Lady article –‘Inilah syndrome anak-anak muda kita yang dihantar belajar ke negara-negara berbahasa Inggeris.Tidak sampai pun empat tahun di sana mereka pulang dengan pemikiran semua yang terdapat di negara berkenaan baik belaka.Walhal pemikiran-pemikiran ini kadang-kadang sempit dan tidak objective.’ Eh Pakcik…apakah nama syndrome itu? Syndrome adik-adik taknak kalah ke?

Berita nombor 4 – Parliament monkeys…and the never ending person centred political mission. Someone upload this video clip of Parliament debate. How I was so surprised to witnessed how this self-acclaimed intelligent co called rakyat representative to behave no better than monkey in their parliament seats. There are like 20 people speaking at a time…and it is hard to make sense on what they’re debating about. Is this the behaviour of the person that we vote to represent us?

Last but not least, cerita-cerita tentang politician yang kununnya nak memperjuangkan hak and keadilan rakyat. Orang tu kata orang ni..orang ni kata orang ni…and orang-orang yang mengundi…masih jugak membayar tol. Can Malaysian lead a better life if Anwar Ibrahim is elected as the next PM? Or any DAP people for that matter? The only obvious pembaharuan is that kereta-kereta dan rumah-rumah mereka semakin besar and rumah pengundi macam orang-orang Malaysia yang lain, even tak selamat untuk diduduki. Once upon a time they hated each others gut…but now become the best of mates for the sake of flushing the current reigning political party down to the pan. Can’t they make up their mind what are they fighting for? For themselves or for people who put them where they are?

Summary kisah-kisah diatas :-

It is utterly disgusting. While the perempuan tudung was cruelly molested by some motorcycle gang, people like Khairy Jamaluddin is cracking his head with anger sebab Manchester United FC tak diberi izin datang ke KL. Who cares? Wayne Rooney is the ugliest footballer on earth anyway. Lainlah Arsenal FC yang datang kan? I think, Malaysian would rather read ‘Khairy Jamalauddin or Pak Lah Kesal dengan budak-budak celaka yang meraba perempuan tudung tu..and hunt them until lubang cacing…’.And all our votes justified kan? All I can think of is some people in Malaysia mengalami masalah emosi yang tidak seimbang and they need a positive psychological input. It is okay to get upset, angry and sensitive but try to make analysis base on positive thinking. Not every single comment or opinion is personal. Look at this as an educational as we can sometime learn from one another.

Lastly, undilah saya sebagai Perdana Menteri yang terbaru. Nescaya, saya akan membuat pembaharuan seperti

A) Membuka day centre or drop in centre untuk mereka-meraka yang bosan…and we will provide a qualified councellor so that this troubled youngster can talk about everything and we (the so called bijak pandai ni) can inject a positive idea into them and offer a therapeutic rapport.

B) Mencanggihkan lagi public transport yang sedia ada dan membuka kelas-kelas didikan kepada mereka yang tak reti nak beratus semasa nak menaiki/memasuki public transport ini.

C) Mengarahkan orang-orang yang bekerja dipejabat agama supaya membuka kelas mengaji free kepada anak-anak muda and mengurangkan activity mencekup orang. Orang nak berdating dibawah bulan purnama, janganlah diganggu ye, Pakji.Silalah gunakan pemikiran psikologi yang common bahawa lagi kita halang, lagi jahatlah budak-budak ini.

D) Mengarahkan bank-bank di Malaysia mengamalkan system perbankan user friendly untuk pelanggan-pelanggan bank. Kalau nak bagi loan 1000, bayar balik 1500, bukan nya 10,000. Lepas tu, train officer-officer bank supaya beramah mesra dgn pelanggan…and kalau pelanggan itu ada masalah nak bayar hutang, panggil diorang dating office cakap baik-baik..and work out a nice possible way to help them to sort out their financial difficulties.

E) Promoting a freedom of choice. We cannot tell people what they can and can’t watch on the telly or what sort of music they can listen to in their radio. Kalau dia suka Scissors Sister, biar ajelah.

F) Deploy more community policeman/woman supaya kita dapat membendung gejala-gejala anti social like budak-budak naik motor yang jahat ni. Pasang CCTV and speedcamera.Get tough on the punishment.Takde ampun-ampun or takde lagi orang-orang dalam yang boleh bagi tolong if adik kakak they all yang kena saman.

G) Will think of more nice things..once I am the PM..boleh?

P/s I thought I am suppose to take a time off blogging? Ni mesti buhsan gila ni....

Terimalah Kebangangan Aku Seadanya....

During the period of makan gaji buta this morning (working hours laa), I received a question in my comment box by one of our blogger friend.Gender unspecified,I wish not to publish who she/he is but I am willing to share the question that was shoot at me.Nothing malicious, I promise, just a honest and genuine question, and since I am in the mood to bare all (elehh..macam lah fofuler), I hope what I am about to write shall fill in some blank.

You might wonder what I do for a living. Some of you yang genuinely nak tahu and dah pun bertanya, knows the answer to that.To you who wonder, I work for social care services, a service to people with complex needs. Is the most hated profession in the UK as commonly people think that we stick our oar in other peoples's life for a living. Is 50% true, we do menyebok jaga tepi kain orang but we only stick our nose in to those who came for help. Dengan kata lain, kalau you tak jolok sarang tebuan, maka takdelah tebuan itu akan menjolok muka you balik. I salute this people who put their hands up and gave up. Taking up responsibility to care and manage people welfare is not easy. Not many people yang nak mengaku kelemahan sendiri. For not wanting to make matters worst, they came to us for help. Takdelah sampai nak leave things too late and bila hati dah tak tahan, terajang sampai mati anak-anak mereka ni.

I am leading a team of support workers who is working closely in a 24 hours secured premises and at the same time, giving an outreach support to the affected next of kin. My title gajah as on my working pass is 'Pekerja SoSIAL'.... tapi title aje gajah,kerja cam monyet and gaji pulak ciput seciput-ciputnya. Because I am working under health authority and involve largely in outreach job, I took up an inhouse training in managing challenging behaviour, and by doing this, on a job share rota, I joined the psychological input team, making analysis of humans behaviour and working on their support plan. I do involve in cognitive behavioural counselling although not deeply qualified and I am working closely with the dual diagnosis patient. So, I am doing 2 job at the same time, both with title gajah and both with gaji ciput. So, this is what I do. But I am an accountant by university qualification....dan setelah beratus ribu duit biasiswa MARA yang dah kulenyapkan. Like Aizee & Sarafina, during the early days, we spent 2 years reading law.This 2 bitches are now sucessful lawyer in KL and aku? Happy as ever.....

And because of my work , I have to refrain myself from exposing my face yang ala-ala angelina Jolie ni. Because if I expose me, I might have inadvertantly meng expose people yang perlu diprotect identity nya. Tapi, kadang-kadang, terlepas jugak satu-dua....

How old am I? Old enough to beranak 4 if I married my ex fiancee.But I didn't, although I did marry someone I love.Well, for consolation, not many of us ended up with our first love.Walaupun hatiku berkecai cam strawberry smoothies, we all have to accept that Raja Nazrin tetep memilih Tuanku Zara Zalim itu sebagai bini nya sekaligus melenyapkan peluang Makcik Kiah untuk memakai baju liplap dan mendapat pingat.Nangislah air mata darah sekali pun.To you both, what can I say, apart from pantun 3 kerat yang berjaya kukarang dalam jamban sekejap tadi...Ada Ubi Ada Batas...Ada Batas Ada Ubi...Kau Memang Babi!!! Boleyyy?

Having a substantial secular education does not made me a receptive kind of person.I am indeed very lembab and dullard. It took me sometime more than 24 hours to process any new information, and god knows how I have annoyed my tutor group big time by asking numerous question. In fact, today at the training centre, I got told off by my senior manager. Why? Well, put it this way, having high amount of proficiency and eloquency in English will not guarantee that you will understand almost every words.Believe me, I still carry dictionary where ever I go...now more lighter, thanks to Kiah (walaupun hatiku kuciwa dek telephone pemberianku dihisap dgn rakus oleh anakmu) This training manager, being an Englishperson that she is, spoke in somekind of figurative language that I don't recognise. I have to cut in and asked what does she mean by that.After full explaination from her, I downheartedly apologised for cutting her off and told her, as a foreigner, I seems to face this problem (tak paham bahasa) quite a lot. Cehh....dia tegur I kau-kau masa tu jugak...nobody is a foreigner here. You pay tax, you live here and you are one of us. I'm not so sure what to feel...but, there's a slight possibility that dia ni hanya plastik saja.So, to you all, bila I kata I tak paham...please take it at a face value yang I betul-betul tak paham...I have been away since 1991...my bahasa malaysia is as where I left it...and bila ada slang melayu yang baru-baru ni...I memang bangap sikit.

Personal life? Suffice said that I have a parents and siblings. We are fine, we never fight but I don't want to speak too soon. I hardly see them and therefore, no time to catfight. And I think, because of we had lost someone among us, we value our presence plus, we have a parents yang dah tua and tak nak lah pulak bagi orangtua tu cepat mati dek sakit jantung or susah hati. We grew up with high amount of docility towards our parents. But, nothing is ever so perfect.

Another thing, I got asked about my sexuality a lot. For sure, I don't sleep with you or your partner. But I am a very,very shy person. Anything of S.E.X. remain a subject embarassing enough to discuss in public. But, I can get hold of barangan sakti (yang telah di advertise free oleh Ustazah BellaBedot dalam blog nya) if you all are interested to spice up your bedroom life.

I live in a flat with my 2 other friends, they are the nicest people to live with walaupun, ada jugak adegan-adegan menyakitkan hati yang telah berlaku.

For those who question my faith, yes, I am a muslim. I may have an opinion like Stalin, but I do believe in other explanations...and I believe that if you are not set out to hurt anyone, you are as good as gold. If you believe in god and god will believe in you.

What sort of music I listen to? Look at my imeem list...I am such a boring person with bad taste in music.

Am I that holy that I bestowed myself that 'Hajah' title? Not really, but I am quite fortunate to have the opportunity to buat umrah 8 years ago.

Do I have any bad things to say about my partner? Apart from tak bagi I makan ayam dalam rumah dia, I hate the fact that dia basuh pinggan mangkuk tak bilas dengan air bersih (yeekkkk...habis berbuih-buih) and dia tak bagi I tengok 'Friends'.

Describe myself in 5 words.... Demam,Penat,Stress,Lapar & Belum mandi. Well, hope this helps.To all my peminat-peminat setia....dengan kekwat nya....I'll be away for the weekend ni...it is a bank holiday weekend in England and I am about to do my dissapearing act. But I will miss you. Maybe, we will see each other soon.

The Evil Makji Esah

Scene 1: Voice Over Actor :- Hjh Esah vs People At The Credit Card Centre, Time : 10.24 am

I can't remember who I spoke to but I certainly made her upset and probably want to kill herself after our telephone conversation.I received my monthly statement last Saturday.I was so surprised to see a purchase interest charges on £5.53 in addition of my other expenses.Tak banyak mana pun, but being a typical Capricorn that I am,I want all expenses to be justified and I do not appreciate being charged for something that I haven't a clue about.Nowadays, some bank no longer offer the freephone service to their customer and if you have queries, you have to call some 0870 number and pay a national telephone rate for that.If you ask,I must say that I am not at all happy with this because we are giving them business by applying to their poxy institution for a credit card facility.But the bank is also within their right to charge the service they render, so, I can't win if I were to complaint.British institution fixation with the robotic telereceptionist has gone long way back.You think you can't get annoyed with 'please press 1,2,3 or 4...but since 8 years ago, not only that you have to press the required button,you also need to tell the robot what are your problems, and then being put in the queue, crooned by hidup segan mati tak mau music before the right person (if he is the right person) attend to you.That could take up 8 minutes and 25p of your money.Then we undergo the process of self verification, please confirm nama datuk nenek, date of birth and pundek pundek pundek...Mind you, some bank can be very patronising and sarcastic by playing this voice recorded message telling you how your call is important to them and how millions zillions people elsewhere are also having problems...not just you.Sialan.....

In the end, I got picked up by a Welsh lady,and she is now asking for my 1st,2nd and 3rd line of address for final self-verification.Okay..how can I help you........(me telling her my problem).....she goes 'let me check'.....(and this again take ages)....she come back to the phone after 8 minutes, asking me about some transaction that had taken place in April (of which none of her business anyway).....put me on hold to check again....and only return after 5 minutes.

Be very scared.I must always remember that I, at no time can subject this customer service reps to any sort of verbal abuse.I know I was angry and I made it very obvious that I am disgusted with her work. 'You have put me on hold twice for 13 minutes when all I want to know is why are you charging me purchase interest when I made my payment in full. I must remind you that I am paying for this call and it is not cheap.You may check your record that I made my payment on time and has done so in the past.' Wah..garang sungguh!!!

The lady once more asking me to wait and she will now check with her supervisor but in nick of time making a big mistake by suggesting that I may have incurr the charges by 'gambling', judging by one transaction I had with Play.com

Lahabau!!! Does she know what play.com is? I pun teruslah 'I beg your pardon, what did you say?' Well, she repeated what she said earlier accordingly and I went 'Do you even know what Play.com is? And even if it is a gambling website, what is it got to do with purchase interest? This is silly and you being silly. I suggest that you do your homework before suggesting anything stupid to me.I resent being charge this interest and I want this charges reversed, and I want it now.

Verdict: I got my purchase interest reverse and I have upset the Welsh.

Scene 2 : Voice Over Actor :- Hjh Esah vs Mak Miss Nigeria via telephone

Well, what can I say...I have been waiting for about 2 months for Miss Nigeria to return. What upset me the most op top of my kerja yang jadi bertimbun dek ke AWOL an dia ni is that the fact that Miss Nigeria is not responsible enough to take responsibility to adhere her working contract with us and membiarkan aku terkontang-kanting bekerja sampai demam-baik balik-and demam balik. What was her excuse? None...apart from 'things have been a bit complicated'..yeah...tak laku dah alasan itu. The fact that I have made contact 3 times for the last 3 weeks, spoke to the mother and was promised a call back with the exact return date.

Did she call? If she have, I wouldn't have spoken to that poor old woman and giving her a piece of my shattered brain.

Hjh Esah : Hi, Mrs Nigeria, this is Hjh Esah calling from London

Mrs Nigeria : Ohh..hi...good evening to you...how's ***** and *****? (my other patients)

Hjh Esah: They are fine....I need to to ask again, when is Miss Nigeria coming back?

Mrs Nigeria: Ohh..hopefully by 31st, but we will confirm again..because bla bla bla bla....alasan alasan alasan...

Hjh Esah : Well, I need to say this, this is the last time I am going to call. I think this matter has to come to an end.It is not fair that we been messed about like this. If you can pass on this message to her, as she never bother to contact me, please tell her that I am now going to give her a date, which is end of May.And if she is still indesicive, I am expecting a resignation letter.This is far too long and I have been way to lenient.

Mrs Nigeria: Pleading but still ber propahan lagi dengan I ni...

Hjh Esah : She know how to contact me if she want to.I really have to go.

Verdict : Don't know and don't care.But, I must admit that I feel that I have been so rude but they deserved it.

Overall verdict : I am evil.

Unnatural Offence

There's a news today about two muslims in Pakistan was remanded in jail for same-sex marriage. Their 'marriage' was deemed illegal and they were labelled committing an unnatural offences. Well, there is a lot of illegal things in this world.Killing,stealing and now the same sex marriage.I can agree with the murderer being sentenced to jail for the offence of robbing one of their future and causing bodily hurt to the victim and emotional anguish to the family.Jailed justified.Stealing, apart from not practically hurting the people we steal from physically, punishment is justified because no one has the right to take things that are not theirs.Again, inflicting pain to another person.But, one man we don't know marrying another man we also don't know, how is that offending us? It what way their marriage affecting us physically? And when no one is hurt and abuse, is the inprisonment justified?

One third of my emotionally disturbed patient are homosexual, male and female. Some came out and some, still hiding in the closet. Either way, the out and proud and the quiet and discreet are none the happier. To be in a disapproved relationship is tough and when you're gay, the hurdle is much more bigger. Heterosexual person will only need to worry about themselves if parents,families and community disapprove of their choice of partners, and the gays, not only that your choice of partner may appaled others, your own sexual choice is another worry for them.

As a Muslim, this issue remain very sensitive to me, just because I do not know what solution to offer. My liberal thinking and pure feelings goes to a person choice. Eventually, nobody knows what is in store for them. I am very picky about undertaking cases with gay people issues, especially around the Muslims. Bad enough that I have to endure the guilt that wrapped a gay father for ditching his young family for his young toy boy, listening another fellow Muslim guilt of contesting their fitrah is another burden lot heavier than a tonne of bricks. I do feel for them.As a human, everyone deserved to be happy.A happiness is a life choice and life choice must be made by the person who is living it.I believe in that astutely and knowing how judgemental others can be plus our persecutory nature of these so called 'unnatural offence' made me think that keeping schtum is always a good option.

Well, I am so sorry that the two got caught and jailed. While others is cheering their victory for shoving this unnatural god creature to the furthest sideline of this world, I am more concern of how badly they have been subjected to emotional abuse.I believe that never once they stop cursing themselves to be born unnatural, however, managed to live with the unnaturalness and withstand the physical and emotional trauma. It is hard enough to be different and to be cruelly perceived and received is something else.

I remember this young Muslim chap told me that when you tell your parents you're gay, expect the reaction that you're not only disgraced yourself, you've disgraced them and your whole village.And, the other neighbourhood village too; shame seems to travel at the speed of light.And if you think that in that 2 months on they'll have gotten over it and invited you and your same sex partner round for coffee, forget it. Incidentally, your ancestors are probably turning in their graves.

Some even say that telling your parents that you shag your own sex is worse than telling them that you're not believing in God, it seems.Syariah law states that the hukum for the reprehensible crime of fancying the same sex is to be stoned to death.

Working with people with visible and invisible disability made me rethink a lot of action taken by others, either after taken into much thoughts or in a haste. We promote equality.One of us was born different to one another.If being gay is so appalled, can the society not see this as a birth defect and help them through this difficult time? What good will it bring jailing two gay men? They're hardly preaching gay rights in their village or going round raping young boys...they just love each other, wanted to be together against all 'natural' things and wanted we to be happy for them.That seems to be a little thing to ask.

However disgusted, can we not use our natural power to pray to god to 'naturalise' them? Well, it is so hard and difficult living in the man made society.Human seems to have higher expectation than the creator, yet we all believe in one and created by the one.

Let's Talk Things Through...Or Not!!!

A man came to my consulting room today telling me that his wife is driving him crazy.If I am in one of my sarcastic mood, I'll definitely ask him 'Is that why you're here, Sir?'...but you knowlah, it is hard to joke with a man because 13 out of 12, they will always going to take it in a wrong way. An angry man is always a hyper sensitive man and any constructive critisism can even reduce them feeling like the scum of the earth. Punyalah drama queen. This man, bad enough he is suffering from bipolar manic depression and solely depending on his manic side to give him a sense of adventure in his life. People with this condition would normally have their self-esteem decreased to zero when they're depressed and when you're depressed, everything can drive you crazy.

I have to say that it is very typical of men to blame their wife when something goes wrong in their life. Child misbehaving, wife's fault.Bedroom death, wife's fault. Marriage breakdown, wife's fault.What are theirs? Mostly nothing. Even if it is wife's fault, what cause it? How many men were that unfortunate to have marry an evil woman? Compare to woman that signed a death warrant everytime they agreed to become hamba abdi to their husband, men should count their self lucky. If they ever become hamba abdi is by choice. Women usually have no choice. The man they marry can transform into kerbau balau overnight and woman must remember that couple who live together will eventually look alike and that will explain why if one day you wake up and realised that you're not as interesting as your previous self before you marry the man. Jahat mulut ku.

When things went wrong, your first instinct is to talk it over.Is it really? I hardly come across anyone who will do this in their first instinct.I for once, will tell the world world about my problem before addressing it to the person that I have the problem with.The person that we usually have the problem with is by far the first person we avoid and the last person we talk to.True enough, if you say to your partner, 'we need to talk about our relationship', we would expect them to be very defensive (as in they normally think that there's isn't anything wrong), fidgety, distracted or shut down completely.When a woman told their their partner how unhappy they have been, men first reaction is to think that they're being punished for a crime they didn't commit.Men always wanted to be the last in a women problem's list.Most of the time they behave like they are not even the problem.Women often think that if only men were able to talk honestly and they both are most likely will avoid all the conflicts and misunderstandings and they will have better and more emotionally open relationship.

But, do you really think that talking things through, helps? I bet we can't count the amount of advise the professionals offer to those who is facing relationship problem, and it is probably more than the problems itself.For all we know that talking too much is probably making things worse.We maybe feel a lot calmer after talking things through with our partner little that we know that the other person is feeling very uncomfortable.Not only because the 'conversations' are usually the mutual complaints about how you both dislikes what each other is doing to each other, talking things through will make one realised that another is unhappy with them.Hmm..talking about so called 'open-mindedness'.

The jantan often critisised the partner how the wife is so berfikiran tak terbuka.Sometime, people ought to know what 'pemikiran terbuka' really is rather than sedap mulut accusing one of not feeling the same.I suspect that men often use this phrase for an easy way out especially when they're trapped with their own words.When I was dating someone long time ago, this man often announced dengan sombong bodohnya 'I ni open minded' bla bla bla...but at the same time slagging off a woman that befriend two men at the same time.I said to him that if he is as open minded as he seems, he should have mind his own business for what worth, that women is being smart by pre selecting the best man to win.

However open-minded a man want to be, honest truth is, it is uncomfortable for them to talk, especially when they feel shame, which is exactly what they are likely to experience when you approach them with anxiety or unhappiness.There's something more powerful than the stereotypical nagging wife and stonewalling husband at work here.It's the same dynamic that seizes both of you when you are startled by something.

Me and my partner has passed the stage of 'talking things through'.As much as people say, you both really have to sit down and talk...and if you have solution in your hand, that might work.But if you just want to talk pointing out one mistakes (by the way, if you tell your partner about some minor problem in your house, they will automatically think that you think they've made a mistake) you might as well bite your tongue than telling them how you feel and you get better reaction if you tell your cat.

The best time to talk things through is when you have had enough...and that time, your partner will start taking you seriously. Matilaa ajaran sesat.

My Unquiet Conscience

My Sleeping Partner...Dek Bilik Macam Tongkang,Taktau Dia Ni selama ni Pergi Mana

Baru Nampak Cam Katil Orang...

Siap Polished Lagi You All....

Wahh...Meh La Datang Tidur Kat Bilik I Yang Dah Kemas ni...

What is it? I suppose, in this case it may as well mean a feeling that you've done something wrong, or not done something you should.More appropriately named guilt, as it can manifest itself in many different ways.(Wah..I so have so many times in my hand right now)

I spoke to my mother today. I just realised that I haven't been in touch with her for quite a while. We are not that close, and I honestly don't mean it in a bad way. It is just we spent time apart way much longer than we should and the fact that I am so quiet when I was growing up made the ice between us melted slower. We spoke for about 10 minutes (in my personal achievements,lama tu...) and as usual before both of us end the conversation, my mother will always say 'jangan lupa sembahyang'.'We are not there to protect you and you should seek Allah to look after you'.Tak nak nangis ke dengar tu?

This is it!! The only thing that gave me a smack right to my face. When was the last time I pray? When I was in KL? Yeah, that maybe was the last time people can see me clad in a telekung doing the physical movement of praying. Somewhere around the house today, I remember that I have a pair of telekung somewhere in my wardrobe. I hope it is still white, you know lah, since it's habitation is in the chest drawer along with other irregular used clothes, a contagion of other colour must have swept through.It makes me think that white is such a vulnerable colour, yang sungguh tak practical tapi, masih ramai jugak orang yang suka pakai. Being a muslim, I have everything in my house that could signify a muslim's household. Prayer's mat, Al-Quran, Tasbih, Ayat Kursi and telekung. I read Al-Quran during the Ramadhan (as in read only not recite) and religiously flicked the tasbih whenever I feel needed too. Most of the time, I am the biggest 'Syaitan' and will convinced myself that however bad, I am still, way much better than the cleric that preached hatred asking Muslim killing all the Jews and the notoriously bangang Suicide Bomber. My muslim's friends even jokes about me yang larat berpuasa sebulan tapi malas sembahyang.My answer to that is if I can't do all, I'll do the bit.For a gastric-striken sufferer, fasting is far more difficult from praying, but somehow,tak tau setan mana yang bertenggek, malas betul nak buat ibadah yang 5 waktu ni.

But that doesn't stop me feeling so guilty lying...erm..not really...okay, not admitting the truth to my mother. This has somehow become unresolved guilt, that niggling itch that I have wronged someone,even if is wasn't intentional.

Suddenly I feel really bad. People says that a mother always know it when the children lies. I assumed she may have an inkling about me not being entirely honest but my mother, will forever think of nicest things about her children.

To add pain to my injury, I termakan babi pulak hari ni.Cehh...ni semua MB punya pasal.This is a common scenario when your eyes is hungrier than your tummy.The babi (bacon to be exact), terselit-selit lah pulak in that sandwich kan? Haram jadah betul. I came home feeling so dirty and started cleaning my room and cleansing my throat with plenty food dengan harapan daging babi tu akan keluarlah dari dalam badan I dan menjadi taik serta-merta.

I now quietly pray that one day (sooner) I will rise from my lazy dan jahilness, and start to sembahyang.And become vegetarian too (asyik dok terkantoi je makan Biba ni..apa hal?)

Aku, Dia dan Doktor Gigi...

The good thing about living in England is that the health authority go out of their way to look after you (in my experience lah..) Every year, the GP you're registered with will send you a letter, wishing you this and that,and ask you to come in for a general check up.All sorts of check up, smear test lah,blood test lah...anything that deemed necessary to ensure better health.

Yesterday, I got a letter from my dentist.By the sound of it, she have been missing me, all this 6 months we were apart.Technically, kalau takde aral melintang, you are only required to see your dentist every 6 months.Unless you are the type of person yang aral nya melintang hari-hari...maka kena lah jumpa doktor selalu.

My dentist is a young woman (possibly younger than me) and of an Indian origin.When we first met, I don't know what to address her, nak panggil Dr ke..hapa ke, since bukan most dentist is a doctor.They might be called doktor gigi but they are just not doktor but a trained individual to look after teeth.Well, honestly, I don't know what to make of that.Maybe they have got that title 'Dr' by slogging themselves into a medic school.So, any dentist out there, if you're reading this, care to explain to me yang buta ilmu ni...ye ke doktor gigi bukan nya medical doctor or anything sewaktu dengannnya yang membuatkan mereka ni tak layak dipanggil 'Dr'?

Speaking of my dentist, we both have a love hate relationship, as in she loves me and I hate her.To those yang compliment gigi I cantik, meh sini nak bagi tau, yang bahawasanya, gigi I ni tak lah lawa mana, bahkan ada yang dah tertanggal and dan bertampal-tampal.Pulak tu, my gigi bertindih-tindih and selalu pulak menjadi bahan kutipan my dentist ni (ye ke ayat ni, I'm try to put it as since gigi dah buruk, my dentist is always picking on that)

Nak jadikan sejarah, my mother told me that it was all my father's fault, gigi I jadi tumbuh melata gitu.My mother worked in a hospital, so as a child and until now, we all have easy access to all department in that hospital.My mother will kow tim with all the nurses from every different department to get us checked up and my mother is very strict with anything to do with medical attention...like kalau terpijak paku, jam jam tu jugaklah misti pergi cucuk,itu cucuk, ini cucuk, cuci telinga, check darah...makan ubat cacing...waaa....

As a child, I hate makan ubat and hate to see a doctor.When you're little, most doctor have liberty to tell you what cross their mind, as if macam dia sorang aje dalam dunia ni yang perfect...and you can still hear their nasihat 'jangan keluar rumah tak pakai selipar, nanti cacing masuk kaki' berulang-ulang.Podah lah..besar mana pulak cacing tu boleh masuk dalam tapak kaki hah? Nama je doctor, tapi bodoh...what I used to think.I also can't help to think my mother mestilah dah pesan kat doctor ni yang I ni sekian-sekian, so,this doctor always tell me to makan sayur and will story me about how this people mati tak makan sayur.Jangan asyik makan biskut aje.So, macam mana lak doctor tu tau my eating habit kan? (I tell you, when I was very young, I substitute nasik with biskut Jacob segi empat, all crush in a mug of black tea, pastu makan basah-basah cam tu, pernah try tak?) Ni mestilah dah di pre amp dek my mother yang bersekongkolan dengan doctor itu.

Same with the dentist, when I was little, this nyonya (who is also my neighbour) selalu lah lecture I, Oooohhh...Auntie tau you selalu makan gula-gula, (lagipun, I kena pass her house to go to the only sweet shop in this housing area) tengok..apa suda jadi sekarang..ini gigi suda lobang...nanti kalau semua gigi sudah tidak ada, macam mana mahu makan...nanti suda tidak cantik..., (honestly, I lagi cantik dari nyonya ni...pepandai je kutuk gigi orang) And I really hated that thing where they insert certain needles and drill your gigi...and you have to keep your mouth open wide (bukak lagi besar!!) for substantial amount of time.How you wish that time you have the energy of Dr David Banner, bertukar jadi Hulk pastu baling dentist ni jauh-jauh. I even tried to lie my way out by swerving away from the 'Kilinik Pergigian' but as you know, my mother will then double check too see if I dah jumpa the dentist ke belum.So, tak boleh lah nak tipu.

Because I am my father's favourite, I always tell him how horrible the dentist was, asking me to open wide (cam lain je bunyik nya) when I can't.I will merengek-rengek...'sampai nak koyak angah punya mulut'. From there, everytime when I am scheduled to meet up with the dentist, I will always ran towards my father, hang on to his army belt yang besar tu, begging him not to let my mother to take me to the dentist.And I succeeded.My mother gave me this 'jaga kau' look.Because of that, most of my milk teeth, did not come out naturally and the permanent teeth have to tumbuh terpaksa at the gum allotment that wasn't theirs.Of course when you're young, nasihat-nasihat ibu semuanya tak laku, and now, you're the victim of your own stupidity and stubborness.Habislah gigi dah tak cantik....cam gigi Tuanku Zara kan?

Back to my current dentist, well, since gigi dah berbatang-batang tercabut dek buruknya, I decided that it is about time I take more responsibility untuk menjaga gigi-gigi yang sedia ada dan yang dah tak banyak tinggal ni.I still have the drilling machine phobia but tooth extraction is more smooth than before.Up until last year, NHS did not charge for the dental visit until all this tamak haloba dentist started to go private and goverment decided that people who earned more than 14,000 must now pay for their treatment.Sialan betul....

Now that I have to pay for the visit although tak lah mahal because my dentist love me...wa cakap lu, still, I masih gak tak suka nak pergi.6 month ago, si Dentist ni clean up my teeth.My gum bleed badly and she announced that I suffered from gum disease.Eh..ko pehal? Yang dia bantai cuci gigi I kuat-kuat, haruslah gum tu berdarah kan? I think it was so bad that made my dentist decided to gave me a quick crash course showing me how to brush my teeth.I was forced to tengok this slides show about how some budak-budak (terasa sungguh masa ni, yelah, kita kan dah tua) menggosok gigi...

I was so insulted that I terasa nak gi cari dentist lain aje, but you know lah how things work over here, you can only register with Dentist & GP yang letaknya within 3 miles radius from your address.Tak cukup dengan kelas tambahan menggosok gigi tu,dia pergi pulak refer I kat Orthodontik (betul ke ni) people just to give me advise on what brand of dental floss and berus gigi to buy.Celaka betul.

And now, even though I pretend that I moved on from peristiwa memalukan itu, the letter from my dentist brings back evil memory. Here I am with a letter signed by her, asking me to come, open myself wide (again!!) to her. After what happened? You got nerve.

Friday Updates...Not A Good One

My ayahanda was a bit cross with me today.Well, I was asked to meet up with his friend yang datang visit anak dia kat sini.My father ni kadang-kadang suka took liberty to mengurus acara-acara social I kat sini...millions miles away from him.This person is here and there, go and see them.Be at your best.Waahhh...my usual self tak best ke? But as you can gather, that is what I respond dalam hati.I usually obliged tanpa banyak cekadak.Unless I really,really can't. I have agree to meet this friend of his today as I also took liberty not to go to work today.Friday is always the day to do case referencing for me, so understandably, I need not to be disturb.But I never do what I am suppose to do, and Friday is officially a bloghopping day for me, sambil menambah dosa mengutuk orang lain.

I got up feeling really ill with my cold returning.Sok sek sok sek.Benciiii!!! I thought it has gone away, after bermacam-macam kapsul aku telan.I even cancelled F, and the good thing is dia pun tak nak dijangkit oleh my cold (ni ke dia cinta sejati? Tapi that day, I promise to cherish you in sick and in health...I do, I do) and sempat jugak meleterkan I, yang I ni dok sakit-sakit because kerja kuat cam nak gila. I wonder what people might think of my relationship with F, dah kahwin tapi, duduk asing-asing, pastu nak jumpa, buat appointment.Mad as a hatter kah? But the clear message is that duduk bersama akan mencepatkan proses-proses penuaan dan juga proses-proses kematian, kalau I tak bunuh dia, dia lah yang akan bunuh I, or we both could die of natural causes like sakit jantung.

Obviuously, I have to cancel this pakcik.But before I call him, being a responsible anak that I am, I call my father, telling him that I am not up to meet this man.Before I stretch further, let me tell you that this is not the first time I cancel meeting his friends.Not only that his friends will opt to duduk area-area yang kena bayar congestion charges and susah parking, some pre arranged meeting will require me to duduk melepak berjam-jam kat tempat orang tu sambil berdinner ber lunch bagai.No.Is not about menolak rezeki.But being the anti social that I am, I cannot hold any meeting or conversation more than 1/2 hour.My father, as if he tak perasan, dari mana I inherit perangai ni? It is easy for him to pung pang pung pang dengan his friends because he knows them, but, my stint kat boarding school, uni and habit tak suka keluar bilik bila orang datang rumah made me as good as tak wujud.Another thing yang tak syok tu, this friends of his selalunya ada ad hoc responsibility pulak nak jadi agency perkahwinan yang tak bertauliah and segala macam jantan nak di propose nya kat I.But I must admit, kedatangan agency-agency perkahwinan tak bertauliah ni dah berkurangan since I dah warning my parents siang-siang,kalau dia cakap pasal ni ni ni...I will not go.So the responsibility of mengenen-kenen ni dah kembali kepada sedara-mara I yang sungguh takde kerja tu.Ni nak cakap sikit kat my relatives yang macam susah hati sangat I ni tak kahwin-kahwin...kenapa? Banyak masa sangat kah? Why not you all volunteer jadi tentera pengaman PBB or jadi UN ambassador, pi bagi makan kat budak-budak underprivilledge tu. F told me, kalau nak bagi mulut-mulut mereka ni senyap, tell them the truth about us.Well, if I do that, harus mulut terus senyap...as in semua mati terkejut.Senyaplah mulut kan?

Okay,back in the room.I told my father yang I demam and therefor, I can't make today.Maybe some other time.Before acknowledging the fact that I ni sakit, he was suggesting, take a taxi and I'll speak to him to send you home.I told him that taking a taxi to Central London is expensive (not that the money is an issue anyway) and he was 'I will pay you'. He sounded stressed. As usual he will go on...'you are better off here.You have everything over here, you can't even afford a taxi there'. Aiyoo...being me nowadays (dulu tak berani you...) I replied back, it is not because of the money.Really, taking a cab is expensive, exhorbitantly expensive...and not practical.Central London, especially area Pakcik ni duduk, nak pergi time dinner, macam nak pergi Ipoh time CNY.And I hate being stuffed at the back of a taxi. I am a bit dissapointed at this point, but I tried very hard not to let the feeling transmit. Genuinely, I tersok sek sok sek on the phone and he must have heard.'Kau dah makan ubat?'. 'Call your mother, she will know what good to cure that'. My father always like that...bila I demam, suruh I call my mother...why can't he just said something nice like, drink water ke, tidur ke, makan panadol ke...

I just said, okay.Nak makan panadol ni...( I addressed every single remedy I took here as panadol to my father), I will sleep for a bit and will see him later.We said goodbye and I am now still angry.People say don't upset your parents.And this is what I am doing.

Again?

My Pacar, with expression susah berak.Ni tengah meneran ni you all...

And I did wear black jumper today.Excuse the messy office lah ye...

Ohh...how many more time have I got to wallow this self-pity? Troubleshoot to that is, whenever all the news & media stop reporting the story and flashing that glossy images of Raja Nazrin & Zara Davidson.Until it stop, brace yourself to another tale of psychological damage from me, every time you decide to hop in here.

Against nasihat kawan-kawan, I went looking for more news of their wedding.Sajalah nak cari penyakit, not forgetting, naluri suka menyebok yang diluar tabii ni.I think it was NSTP, hah kau, habis dengan gambar and the video clips sekali keluar.The akad nikah..the sarung cincin and what not.Hati and perasaanku macam kena shred aje dengan shredding machine.Berjurai-jurai gitu.

What is it with me neh? Twice in a lifetime, chenta hatiku berkahwin dengan orang lain didepan bijik mata ku yang rabun ni.If you're reading my tale, then you should know that my siamang also left me for an engineer.Bagus sangat ke mereka-mereka ni? Kamek sik bagus ka?

On the other hand, Raja Nazrin got a very young voice.Waaah!!! Aku terima nikahnya so and so...(eleh...macam lah taktau dia kahwin dengan siapa kan?) If only that terima nikah is for me instead of that Zara Davidson.Anger aside, baju kahwin really cantik, wow, rasa nak kahwin lagi pulak I.Just because the baju is so nice.

Maybe I should do something about me.What is it that I need to change to be more interesting? Well, as you know, I can't swim (tapi, pass pulak swimming test dulu) and hmm hmm, takde B.Sc.Eng, so, I just have to make do with my sedia ada negativity.Let me see........

1. I don't have a romantic life.Nothing at all.It is self-imposed.It is so hard to go out and date.I think, I am difficult.I don't think I am an easy person to be around for person that I am in love with.It could be that I am uncompromising, maybe overbearing and needy.Suka main pc games, pastu tengok cerita Freinds, Frasier berulang-ulang.Tak cukup dengan yang keluar kat TV, beli box set DVD lagi.Kau gilo? I was lucky that F love me strong enough to warrant marriage.

2.I am not friendly.Betul ni...if I speak to you, count your self lucky because I don't even speak to myself sometimes.Growing up, my family was a little tribe unto itself and really not very social.I think, if you're not really a social person, you inherently remain anti-social.I am probably good with people a couple of hours and then I want to go home.I am lucky that Lee & Coco Chanel is very friendly, kalau tak....tatau lah.Ada orang tu kata I tak tegur dia...tapi, tak ke dia tanya diri dia sendiri, ada tak dia tegur I (eh...ni lain cerita ni)

3. I am so insecure.If I elaborate further, it will eventually make me depressed.So, that is that lah.

4. I am always in love with people that didn't love me strong enough.Like RN, I really love him and have always been upset that he doesn't love me.Tapi ini cerita dongeng.

5.I cannot cook.I only cook mihun.That is it.I drink Diet Coke and black coffee which some people find revolting.

6. Although active listening is one of my job specification, in my relationship reality, I don't listen and worst, I argue.99 out of 100.

It passed midnight now, and I cannot think some more.Now you why that I am usually the dumpee.

P/s Sempena menyeleberate perkahwinan ex bf tak pernah jadi I tu, I added few more song in my imeem (which is also my personal favourite) Full of despondency. So, meh la kita ber karaoke beramai-ramai.

First Love, why it shapes us more than we know

Untuk tatapan Makji Eton...Blast From The Past (tapi takde Kena Mengena Pun Dengan Entry nii...apa motive ye, masa ensem dan slim camni tak nak lak kawin dgn I)

When did you last think about your first love? (In my case, habis si Siamang tu aku fofulerkan dalam blog ku ini) As much as we (it is fair to generalise? gasaklah..I yang tulis) deny it through and through, we dreamt about them from time to time, wondered what could have been when current relationship isn't going well, to the extend keying a never-to-be-forgotten name into Google? If you're someone who never gives their first relationship a second thought,then you're probably in the minority, because we all do.We often think of it (nak nak bila bergaduh dengan current partner kan, hati mulalah menggaru, kalaulah aku kahwin dengan sipolan-sipolan tu, cemanalah agaknya) and we shouldn't be surprised that they continue to exert such an influence.These are relationship classically forged during adolescence when,alongside those raging hormones (dengan bawah yang menggeletis gila), we are grappling with our own identity and, most importantly, discovering what love really means outside close family ties. I honestly think that the first time you fall in love resonates throughout your life, influencing your adult relationship and informing your choice of a partner.Key to show how a first love can cast its shadow across your future is how and why the relationship ended.Chances are, if you were badly hurt (hint hint) by that passionates romance or janji-janji manis Party MIC cawangan Siamang Gagap, likely, decades later, to be asking why, wondering if it could ever have worked out.It is like you found someone, forming your identity together, and then you lose them,it's like losing a piece of yourself.I'm not sure if woman or man who will feel the loss even more strongly. I think men usually bila dah tergagah, barulah teringat chenta lama yang disia-sia kan...and women will endure their patah hati until she die.

Something happened in my consulting room today and I was asked about my first love unguarded. Professionally, I have to remain a white canvass but listening to this woman pouring her feeling out about her Siamang, break my heart a little. You were the perfect girlfriend and everything a man could ask for (how wrong is that when men actually asking a lot and most of the time, don't know what they want) and still, you never win his heart.

This patient of mine, have moved on. She is happily married but her feeling for the first man is making her feeling unfaithful to her husband and she is trying to get a grip and at the same time, trying to make some sense of all this trouble. I told her that guilt can kill and try to free yourself from it. 20 minutes passed with tears streaming down her eyes.

I am in love with someone else now. I am glad for that. For once I know that I am the chosen one. Enough is enough.We are not suppose to give out advise and tips on how to cure yourself from broken heart of your first love but my parting words to this broken hearted lady is to appreciate what she have.

What I mean by that and didn't tell her is if we tend to idealised our first love and wish we could rekindle that 'perfect' relationship, consider reminding yourself that this is a fantasy. Be realistic about this so called 'perfect love'. Imagine how he/she could have changed, and think how you've altered, too. Ask yourself, what is going on with your life that is encouraging you to focus on this fantasy? Is it because of you crave a different direction in life? Well, I supposed if that is the case, work on it and resolves the issues.Hopefully the allure of a first love will fade.What was the most exciting about the first love anyway? Is it really them, or the time when you're both close? Often we're more in love with the person we were, and the sense of freedom and possibility we enjoyed, than the lost love itself.

But like always, cakap memang senang.

Selamat berbahagia (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) Raja Nazrin.

Noteworthy???

Now that I have time to think, patutlah ramai yang ber feeling-feehlong debab at this time of the year.We are approaching (or maybe we have) the Summer. I'm not so sure if we are now officially in the Summer or masih lagi Spring, the weather is so temperamental,pukul 4 pagi panas berdentum...pastu mendung...pastu hujan...

Masa nilah ramainya perempuan-perempuan tulin and jelmaan, jantan-jantan tulin and jelmaan akan berlumba-lumba membukak aurat.Tayang betis, tayang six pack, tayang peha, tayang lengan yang muscular, pakai shorts sambil pakai enhance underwear (untuk menembamkan middle object mereka tu) and for the pompuan, masa ni lah nak keluarkan spaghetti string masing-masing sambil memakai push up bra (kalau push up bra mahal sangat, stuff ajelah toilet roll, boleh?)

Antara mereka-mereka yang body conscious ni (selain dari aku) adalah Mak Badak.She text me today ngajak aku pergi Tesco.Nak beli buah katanya.Well, this morning at work, I got my smoothie maker delivered from Amazon (anti social sungguh, shopping pun online aje) Why I bought that is tu memenuhi permintaan Mak Badak last week yang mintak I cari any good but cheap smoothie maker.Well. now you know.Selain dari anti social, I am also a bargain hunter or in another word, kedekut.Yang heran nya, bila beli PC games, berabis cam nak rak pulak.

MB gave me the lecture about healthy eating.Yang we all ni (I, dia dgn spouse nya) mestilah start makan buah-buahan sebab kalau macam ni lah gayanya makan (nasik every 2 days) harus retak lah wooden flooring rumah we all ni.MB also pointed out my masalah dunia masakini (susah berak) and that is the strongest point for me to support her new resolution.Well, I agreed lah. BTW, I dah 3 hari tak berak and setelah berhempas pulas mencuba, after 1/2 hour malu-malu gak nak keluar,dengan geramnya, I pun teruslah telan my anti depressant (Senokot).Merasalah besok pagi pecah jamban ku.

Speaking of membukak aurat,although millions in the UK are welling up to the summer, I can only pass off wearing either 3 quarter shorts or maybe sleeveless shirt.I also have to brief my entire team to go easy on what they wear to work.I remember how last Summer, I have to ask this gagak girl (yang sungguh famous dengan bumper depan belakang yang gedabak) to go home and change.She was defensive and dengan tak pikir panjangnya, calling me jealous.Me dear, jealous dear, no dear...

I was professionally challenged by this female defending her choice of attire for work, and I must say, for someone who know very well what they let themselves into when accepting this job, her complaint against us was rather lurid, what worse, stupid.Imagine pleasantly plump female (I'm so polite) with the shortest denim short finished with that flirty frills and that small piece of cloth with tiny strings barely covering the breast bersize buah nangka.Well, it is Summer, everyone can see that.I have no objection if I cross path you in the street...but you are now here and working in the place full of humanoids who can sometimes question whether or not cat shouldn't be allowed naked. Is sexual harrassment, they said.

Profession aside, I sometime struggle to understand why people wear what they wear. All this young girls with small piece of clothes. Tak takut attract paedophile ke? (Scarry you all, I know how their mind works) They say that it is not about what you wear but how it will make you feel. How they are very proud of their body. But if you're proud or shall I say, comfortable with the way you look, isn't that something good to curb you from further unhappiness that can emerged from not being comfortable? Why must go further exposing your vanity? I can understand people wearing skimpy outfit in the proximity of people that they are comfortable with, tapi hapa jadahnya gi pakai baju separuh siap kat tengah-tengah town tu? All you can get is that gatal smile flash at you by the builders who, believe me, there's only one thing in their head the moment they set eye on you and that skimpy clothes of yours. Once their bubbly hormones is gone, they'll go back to their wives or presentably dressed girlfriend of theirs. Your skimpy clothes in the end will only triumph you getting the notch of their night stand, if lucky (dalam semak pun boleh jadi ni)

But again, people taste varies.There's people who are after the flashy one, only after a while realised that flashing is nothing (hambik ko Brad Pitt) I want you to know that I am talking about me.Maybe I am jealous, because I don't have the cut to wear sexy mexy like them girls,who knows?

Feeling Fat

My last 48 hours personal achievement ialah berjalan kaki ke office and back, leg-it express non-stop sejauh 7 miles.At 9.07 pm tonight, I am back at work with reports to write about the people that I saw today.Since Miss Nigeria pergi walkabout, this is like routine.I will sleep in my office Sunday and Monday and sambung balik Wednesday.

Why 'jalan kaki'? You got your Oyster Card, you got bicycle and habis malas, you can borrow car from the MB's.Mau tau? I have a huge suspicion that I dah debab.Jalan kaki to work is the bestest option that I can come up with yesterday. One way route took 45 min to an hour, depending on how I 'jalan'. After that, I was knackered but the good thing after physical movement is that you can feel your blood streaming on every vein and you know that things inside you are working. The heavy bodily movement also give more oxygen to your brain...and that, is good. Speaking of debab, I have been eating rice selang dua hari since 3 weeks ago.Before, rice is something that I eat once a month, that if, if we suddenly terasa nak order Indian Takeaway.I have not been to the gym as I honestly tak ada masa.The fact that my gym membership is free membuatkan I lagilah rasa tak guilty tuang pergi gym.But the idiotic rationale behind my rant is that, I malas pergi gym tapi I nak stay slim pulak macam Jessica Alba.Where can?

Most women are the victim of envy, jealousy gilababi at the cikeding models that appears as cover for most glossy magazines here. Even the workout video model are so slim that you wonder why they bersusah payah nak ber execise. What were they thinking, the Art Director? Why can't they just hire Syanie for a 1 hours workout session and the consumer can kononnya 'bersenam bersama Syanie' and bersama-samalah menguruskan badan. The Jessical Alba type model will only make the overweight feels that they are never going to look like her.Maybe they will but after bersenam like nak pitam, they will soon think, why bother? I will never be slim like her.

My colleague was asking, why did I jalan kaki that far and where the hell is my excess fat yang I gigih sangat nak buang tu? It is hard to explain, but there is some people who feel 'fat' rather than being 'fat'. I feel fat and 65 kg is just not ideal for me as I'm so used to be 60 to 62kg, and although I don't weigh myself that much, I can feel that somehow, there is unwanted fat hiding somewhere.

Working in a mental health environment, I met plenty of people who is feeling fat rather than being fat themselves.This are the people who will announce or shall I say, happily humiliating themselves to the world by calling themselves a fat pig.Low self esteem is the common diagnosis but the clever reverse psychology about it is that, people like this desperately need others to tell them that they are not fat.They know that people don't discuss other people weight openly (but people usually discuss belakangly when they come across someone debab). To make people notice and comment is by make them know what is the problem.The fat feeling people will then tell all 'I am fat'. To their dismay, we will say 'No lah...where got fat'. They will insist again. I am fat. They will keep saying it until they convinced that they are really fat and the determination to stay slim is greater than before, now that they're convince (by themselves) that they're fat.

That explained why the population of size Zero widen outwards.With men ridiculous expectation of their spouse/girlfriend to be reasonably sized, adding inch for a woman is a nightmare. For some reason, is okay for the husband to have their waist expand but resent their wives to do the same.My closet cousin married a bastard, and after so many years, he is still a bastard.When I visited them some years ago after my cousin gave birth to her baby, the bastard husband dengan bongkak nya tell of his wife in front of me, lepas ni, you kena kembali ke bentuk asal.Bentuk asal? His poor wife, dek takut lari carik lain, working so hard to slim down after the birth but with baby in tow,her regular job,rumah yang nak dikemas and ular sawa jelmaan (also known as laki dia) harus diberi makan, slimming down is a target hard to reach.Even after the 1st baby fat tak habis buang, ular sawa jelmaan anak haram itu terus pancut anak nombor dua.And that bastard can still make demands.

This cousin of mine eventually tutup kilang after 2 babies and submitting to husband's demands, terus usaha nak kecik kan badan.Every Saturday nights she was reduced to feeling so tak lawa when Fauziah Latiff appears on the telly dancing-dancing. She will buy all that slimming pills from Nona Roguy to Teh Orang Kampung, only to be confined in jamban 25 hours a day. The psychological effect of regular berak-berak is that, she thought she exited so much taik and eating more than usual tak kan jadi hal.How wrong she was...on her behalf (although, she hesitantly appoint me) I tell off that bastard pet python of hers, you got nerves, you're hardly good looking yourself, not forgetting fat as badak!!! We never cross path after that.

I have no point to make but I guess, what I am trying to say is that, as a person, we reserve the right and control on how to present ourselves.We oftem succumb to basic expectation of a human nature, the need to present ourselves well to the world, or not, ourselves.If you are happy with the way you look, let it stay that way.But all I want to do now is to loss that extra 3kg.That gone and I will be fine.

I also like to wish to all cikgu's in Malaysia, Selamat Hari Guru, which is on Wednesday....except to that stupid cikgu in Kedah yang gi beromen pulak dengan anak murid dia kat tepi lombong tu, ciss kau!!! And to my sister too, yang selalu komplen yang budak sekolahnya adalah jelmaan setan berjambang.Tu lah, ko nak sangat jadik cikgu...padan muka.

The Payung Story

I don't get on well with my umbrella.Well,now that I carry my laptop everywhere I need to go (even when bathing...dengar musik, ya?) and especially if my destination is outdoor, I need to carry a payung.I'm too tall and huge to use the Cik Mek Molek kind of payung, and I will not be seen dead by the roadside toting that Queen Mother's payung...so reasonably, I had to purchase those kind of 'Formula One' payung yang gedabak itu.That will saves my electronic jargon...laptop, mobile phone...wrist watch.At 34, I can no longer adapt to that jantan-like attitude 'biar basah dek hujan tapi nama nak membawak payung-sorry la banyak-banyak'.

Since I bought my laptop 5 years ago...I also bought myself a payung.First there was this small payung...and I got wet as the payung are so too small to tutup my bontot and the only thing that is dry is my head.Raincoat are far from practical to go with my newly found feminine outlook...because most shops didn't sell body-hugging style raincoat and I really can't stand to be in the situation of separa-separa basah...that is, raincoat will only shroud your head to ankle and you will be still walking with your wet shoes.Stoking basah and kaki become busuk..eeeee.I tak suka, I tak suka !!!!

Eventually, I have to succumb to the effect of my own physique,kalau badan besar, janganlah pakai payung size kekanak riang, and reluctantly, I beli that oversize payung that guarantee will not flip if strong wind and will 99% keep you dry.Only heavy.But...if other women can carry their bulging baby filled tummy for 9 months and tak komplen langsung (except for pompuan durjana)...that less than 1 kg payung kiranya tak akan jadi hal...tak convenient but bearable. I must remind myself yang I ni bukan Paris Hilton...and Paris Hilton carry her anjing everywhere in that silly handbag.So, kalau nak badan and barang tak basah, silalah biasakan diri dengan payung Formula One yang berat itu.

As I get older, I become very careless.I convinced myself that this absent-mindedness is the effect of my new job.My container contained other people stuff rather than mine and so I suffer the consequences.I misplaced many things.God knows how many valuable things had gone to heaven...once, I left my purse in the Tesco trolley and I almost kill MB in frustration. MB is the sort of person who will react to people misfortune by adding insult to their injury...tu lah..berapa kali kamek dah madah..kitak sik mauk dengar..kitak tok..kitak ya...kitak very careless ya...habislah credit card kitak...waaaaa!!!! Masa tu, I dok pikir, habislah my Mykad and Driving Licence.But someone found it and hand it over to the information centre and I was asked to described my own purse in pursuit of getting it back in my hands.Glasses, house keys, office keys. Wedding bangle? Tu pun kenkadang lupa...tertinggal dalam toilet lah..macam-macam. Lucky, that thing melekat.If not, that thing pun boleh hilang.

Me and payung never see eye to eye.I am speaking of all the population of payung generally, not necessarily for that payung to be mine because I even lost orang lain punya payung. Matilaa...orang dah tak nak bagi lagi pinjam payung.I always lost my payung, from size kecik to size besar budak 6 tahun.I always lost it on the bus, train and places I stopped for short visit.Sometimes, the lost payung can be retrievable but I'm too sombong to travel all that way for that 2.50 worth of payung.Kira sedakah jariah lah ni, untuk menyedapkan hati. I always got another one.Using bigger sized payung means that I can no longer shove it in my bag and by force, have to carry them along with others.If only payung have strings or strap that I can attach and detach.What I am trying to say is that I bought 10 payung and I lost 15.No matter how many payung I own, eventually the payung will find ways to let loose from me.Sungguh jahat payung itu.

In my last attempt to save my marriage, I travelled to North on Friday with hope to reconcile and submit myself into spousal duties (hence, this does not always mean sex) I have been talking to few wives and having taken in some wise words, I decided to buang yang keruh and ambil yang jernih.It didn't succeed.I now just have to leave it to fate.

In the morning (dengan badan yang sakit, tidur atas sofa) I decided to leave and carry with me my laptop bag, my knapsack and my umbrella.Little that I know that the Rugby spectators are heading to the West.I hate travelling with them Rugby hooligans.They stanked of booze and blabber rubbish.Most Rugby spectators are orang putih and the orang putih sesama dia, can instigate racist jokes, especially when they're drunk.I was squashed to the wall behind this 2 beefy ugly looking men with lager loutish behaviour, making jokes of blacks and the French.They turned to me and asked if I speak French.I try to ignore but at the same time tread carefully as if I buat sombong, I may annoy them and that will make me the easy target.I just realised I'm the only orang tak putih in that train coach.The smell of their lager stinking hard and I feel faint.

I quickly got off at the next stop and lucky enough not to drop myself as my vision has started to get vey blurry.Well, that is the effect of claustrophobic.I sat down the bench and rest for 10 minutes.I decided to get a bus home, of which, thankfully is not far from the station I stopped.On my way out, I noticed that I am missing something.

My Payung.Cisssss!!!! Siapa yang mesti dipersalahkan sekarang ni? Orang Rugby jahat itu ke, F ke, or is it me that is contracting Alzheimer?

Pacar Baruku Udehh Setahun...

Pacar ku at 11 months and 30 days...

Pacarku sungguh independent...

Pacarku menonggang kuda kepang nya...

Pacarku bermain dengan remote control Sky (dressed in Gunner's suit...kau ado, LeQ?)

Pacarku baru bangun tidur...

Yess uols, pacarku nan ganteng inihh sedang menyambut hari lahirnya yang ke 1. Wah, cepatnya dia membesarkan? When I first work with his mummy, he is only just turned 5 months.I learned plenty, dari menukar diapersnya, mencuci berr nya, bagi mandi, bagi pakai baju baby vest yang sempit itu sampai naik takut I, takut I terpeleot kan kaki tangan dia...learned to cook his meals...from soft to solid, all that and the last bit, is to paksa dia tidur.Believe me, dengan anak buah sendiri pun, kalau kena suruh bawak mandi, harus I komplen ber tan-tan. But it was fun.But still, aku takde pulak rasa nak beranak lagi...although his mom selalu convince I yang I ni excell dengan budak-budak...ye lah, anak orang kan.Lagipun, Sam ni, bangsa bayi-bayi comel dan berakhlak mulia githoo...kalau perangai dia macam Chucky, lama dah I lari. Kalau anak sendiri, harus ku bakar kalau degil sangat...(habis..habis..fail..fail..)

Well, happy birthday, Sam.

Girls, We Really Have To Move On

I, with my pacar baru

Wan Leha

I have checked, there is no such thing as crash course in swimming...if there's any, that sort of lessoon will only qualify you to swimming duck in the childrens pool and you are required by law to have a safety jacket or that thing you lekat at your arms.Kalau dah swimming itik tak lepas, apa guna tanya if I can qualify nak jadi rescuer?

Neither do any University here (Nottingham jangan cakaplah) that will offer Chemical Engineering degree course that finish before 17th May.

And finally, I have no power to change my parents.They will still be who they are and they can't change into becoming Davidson's overnight, let alone declaring themselves a royalty.Tak pasal-pasal, kena buang negeri.Kalau kena buang negara to country like USA or UK, okaylah jugak.Tak payah jadik asylum seeker.Automatic dapat their nationality.

As far as I can see, there's nothing much we can do to stop them love birds marrying each other.You girls (that are non-swimmer) can learn how to swim as good as Zara Davidson sampai lemas pun, Raja Nazrin will still go ahead with his plan.

Here comes the motivation speech.If we can get over Jordan Knight,Anuar Zain when he was singing kain pelikat lalalala...or Tom Cruise (before he turned out to be faintly weird), maka, if we try harder, we can get over him.If Wan Zaleha can, we also can.

We must never try on our luck with him just because we have the complete range of collection of that barangan sakti Ann Summer...it will never work.Maybe he is not into that.So Kiah & Bellabedot, utilise your sakti stuff to your beloved husband and it is so true that aku takde collection menda-menda tu kat rumah.I am a dead catalogue shopper, orang suruh beli, aku beli.So, Kiah, sudah-sudahlah nak invite aku dalam game bondage kau tu...

On a personal level, I have finally got over my cinta agung with that horrible monyet. Yes tuan/puan, at 34, 18 years after meeting and loving that creature I called man, and after hatiku dah dipenyek-penyek kannya, maka I am am now able to walk free without any ounce of love for him left (cakap besar nya...tunggu lah bila Mamat ni bantai hantar email ke ajak kembali kepangkuan) I now have to do the same with Raja Nazrin.It is hard.My ex masa dok active menipu aku dulu, at least he is getting married, he extend me an invitation.Raja Nazrin, jangan kata nak invite I, berterus terang pun tidak.Ka lau yak dek kerna Kiah kaki gossip yang bagitau, sampai matilah I tak tau yang my ex boyfriend yang ini dah nak kahwin.

So, Raja Nazrin and Zara, get married in peace yeah? Although, I am anxious to ask, rumours has it that the reason why you tak jadi kahwin with Wan Leha dulu is because your mom tak suka (yelah, Wan Leha tu kan commonners, but so is your mom kan?) But now, suddenly you can get the go ahead pulak? Well, although she is partly royalty, nama takdelah Tengku-Tengku kan? Maybe your mom dah nampak cahaya kebenaran...nak memilih sangat, tak bercuculah pulak nanti...tak gitu Bang Nazrin? (This will make me kena buang negara...dah lah that day Sultan Perak marah kat Utusan Malaysia)

Sesiapa yang ada DVD recordable player, sila record his wedding ceremony and hantar kat I, so that I, for the last time, can have a good cry, sambil minum kopi 434 I, yang dekat nak habis tu.

Ehemmm...Utusan Malaysia, We Beg To Differ

Dalam Negeri
Rakyat gembira berita perkahwinan Raja Nazrin
KUALA KANGSAR 8 Mei – Rakyat Perak melahirkan rasa gembira dan menyambut baik berita perkahwinan Raja Muda, Raja Perak, Dr. Nazrin Shah yang akan berlangsung 17 Mei ini di Istana Iskandariah, Bukit Chandan di sini.
Mereka turut menyatakan rasa syukur dengan berita berkenaan yang diumumkan semalam oleh Datuk Pengelola Bijaya Diraja Istana Iskandariah, Datuk Seri Raja Mansur Raja Razman.

**************************

I completely disagree.Rakyat gembira? Siapakah rakyat ittew? Apart fron Raja Nazrin and Zara Davidson, and their families, who is genuinely happy? For a start I know Kiah Kidman dah mata bengkak since yesterday, BellaBedot dah putih mata, Goddess Selene is throwing tantrum, Auntie Yan is now resort to comfort eating (ye lah tu) and Me...writing this post as a sign of protest.For all you can see, I am not happy am I?

All the local newspaper have now decided to published her photos and by that, rubbing more salt and dettol to my wound. Okaylah Zara, I admit defeat. Sorry ye Aizee, I tau dia ni budak sekolah you. Well Kiah, at least we have a bit of similarities dengan Zara Davidson ni..apart from kau lebih tua.We are Convent girls and we are all Elizabeth Regina educated.Maybe I have to learn how to swim...and start signing up to that Open University and study Chem.Eng., but she is a act hard to follow...and I don't think I have enough time to do all that all in 2 weeks.

By the way, there's a resemblance of Wan Zaleha.Emm....

To all the girl who love him before...marilah kita berkabung.Pakai baju hitam...matilah jadi goth.Anyone know of a good bomoh hujan?