New Year's Edge

This is my 360th post. For someone who write crap stuff, dah le tak de makna dan juga membanyak kan dosa sesiapa yang membaca, 360 post in space of 17 months kiranya boleh la I apply jadik stringer Sun Newspaper...yang berita-berita nya semua mengarut tu, but still, semua orang suka baca The Sun...sebabnya bila bukak aje page 3, maka melambak keluar buah susu yang kebanyakannya hanya plastik yang dipam-pam.

Sebagai wanita yang gigih (plus memang banyak kerja) I will be welcoming the new year from my opis...dikelilingi fail-fail, ubat-ubatan dan cekelat hadiah hari Xmas. Here I am feeling so blessed that I am away from the New Year crowd yang sebelum pergi party lagi dah setengah mabuk.I have JT and Kak katak TKC texting me (puaka tau Miss Nigeria, dipergi baginya nomor talipun ku kat Kak Katak itu...haruslah aku tukar ringing tone nya kepada Crazy Frog kan?) dengan ucapan-ucapan brengsek 'Your New Year is cooler than ours, you'll be drowned in Central London craziness' and 'Selamat Tahun Baru...Misti you celebrate gila dengan kawan-kawan u, tak apalah..asalkan my sayang is wif me..I'm the happiest woman'. What can I say...sukati kau lah. Ye lah, orang ada laki, flaunt lah kan..besok kalau dah tak berlaki barulah merasa dok diam-diam macam I ni.Nak marah kang, dikata dek orang I ni jealous. Alaaa...Makji tu bukan apa...jealous pasal dia takde laki. Ye la...apa aje lah.

Kak Katak visited me at my work place today. She have been leaving messages since last week, nak jumpa I. Miss Nigeria sums up that she actually wanted to see me as she keep on politely refusing Miss Nigeria's help. Okay lah...MB1 pesan kat I, you janganlah sesombong sangat dengan orang. Because the office is free with all the in patient semuanya dah gi balik ber Xmas & ber New Year, I asked her to come and see me today. Macam biasa, she asks questions and aku macam budak MRSM yang pintar, jawab la memana yang patut.

After a while, I feel like we are in a session where she talk and I listen. Her soalan become so panjang and unended. It is become clear that that she is projecting her frustration with her work, with her employer and what do you know, her life. Very interesting. I have to tell her that it is good that I listen because there is nothing to answer and suddenly Kak Katak become the real Katak...yakni bongkak and jobo (for you who don't know, JoBo is a word originated from N9 meaning kekwat)

Katak tu macam marah la konon nya, bila I told her, I feel that it is difficult for you to understand what you're doing now because your heart are not in it. She answered..dengar ni..'Of course I'm bloody interested, I'm doing the PHD'. Terperanjat Makji dengar word 'bloody' tu, very English manners kan?

You can still do something, without being whole hearted

Like what exactly?

Working, being married, being a mother

Just because I don't look after my child doesn't mean that I'm halfhearted mother (apsal yek, dia terasa?)

Why do you think that? I am only stating an example of doing things not wholeheartedly

And what made you think that people are not committed being a mother?

Because no one can. We tend to yearn after something else when we put our mind into one thing

You don't know for sure, no offend but you're not a mother yet, you can't know how mother feel (yelah..ni jelah yang aku dapat bila cakap bab-bab baby ni...ko tak paham nyah..ko takde anak..ceh!!)

Are we now talking about you and your role as a mother?

Katak diam. I pun diam. But I look straight into her eyes. My good god, why on earth are she being so defensive.

Macam ni lah...I don't know what you're going through but I do know, it is hard and for that, maybe,you're unconsciously unhappy

I am no where near emotional breakdown

I tak cakap you ada breakdown, I'm suggesting that you're quite unhappy and maybe you didn't realise

You like analysing people do you? (motip ko tukar tajuk Kak oii?)

You mean my work? I don't analyse people just people...people you see in here are emotionally damaged. We are paid to protect them and by that,I sometimes analysed behaviour because that is what I do and I do that for a reason, to safeguard their sanity. I'm sorry you feel that way.You feel that I'm intruding your emotional privacy. But you must know that emotional privacy can only be intrude if you allow it to be intruded.

Contoh? (hek eleh..nak contoh-contoh lak....)

When someone is unhappy, when he or she is emotionally unguarded, without them knowing will inadvertantly reacting the unusual way not normal to others.Ala..macam orang kalau hari-hari pok pek..tetiba satu hari diam macam batu, tak ke terperanjat orang sekeliling?

Am I over reacting? (apa!!!! awak kata saya over acting??? ala-ala Ogy kan)

I don't know. Do you think you're over reacting?

Maybe a little bit today. I ni penyabar orang nya (ye la nyehhh)

It is good that you react like that because you are aware that you're uncomfortable.

What do you mean?

I mean what I said.

I tak paham.

Well, you will. Have a thought. This is normal. We will react when it strike us unhappy or happy even. What you can't do is to deny how you feel.

I hate to say this, but you're wrong. There's nothing uncomfortable in my life at the moment.

Good for you.

*** Nothing uncomfortable ye? Yang tetiba panas tu...tetiba kata I critisise her as her mother too apa ke benda nya?****

Disebabkan I dapat banyak cekelat Xmas present (macam celaka kan aku, recycle hadiah kiranya) I bagilah Kak Katak ni sekotak celebration cekelat tu. I accompany her to Twickenham Station and tiba-tiba, Kak Katak said...'You tak put off kan hari ni? Can we still work together?

I don't know.

Happy New Year

Lari

'Saya amat menyesal menjadi Marina Chin dan menurut kata p*ki'

Ada budak umur 18 years old from Sarawak, lari dari rumah, nak ikut boifren katanya. Tup tup..hah, stranded kena jugak balik kepangkuan jalan. Ini lah bahana nya kalau berpikir ikut hati and ikut p*ki. Hamboii aku, kalau nak kutuk, tak sedar diri ni kenkadang pun berpikir ikut halatuju karipap jugak.

Bebudak muda sekarang ni tak macam kita (siapakah kita) dedolu. I for one, jangan kata nak lari ikut boifren (nak lari menda boifren pun jauh dimata masa tu) nak buat apa pun takut. If I can remember, idea nak lari dari rumah developed masa umur between 8 to 13 macam tu. Kena tegur sikit, nak lari. Kena cubit, nak lari. Tak dapat permission nak ikut kelas buat lawatan kesana kemari pun nak lari juga. Pendek kata, kalau hajat tak sampai aje nak lari...sedih kan?

But I think, being a Capricorn hence very practical, all intention perlu disertakan dengan plan-plan perdana like, kalau nak lari dari rumah

a) nak pergi mana ?
b) kalau lapar nak makan apa?
c) tau ke jalan kalau nak lari pun?
d) buatnya keluar aje pintu pagar, datang anjing garang, nak buat apa?

During my days as budak kecik, idea-idea mengarut nak lari dari rumah ni selalunya disokong kuat oleh cerita-cerita omputih or Indonesia yang mana, budak kecik yang lari will end up dikutip oleh orang kaya and kita akan dilayan oleh parents who never heard the existence of rotan lilin or rotan bulu ayam togel and cannot function their hands into giving penampar or cubitan semut api sakti yang membirukan kulit.

The reality is, orang kaya are far too busy working or bershopping to pick up runaway kids or they kids probably run away too. It is always anak orang kaya lari pada rumah because they are short of perhatian and anak orang tak berapa kaya macam I ni lari rumah sebab banyak benau perhatian from mak bapak.Mind you, the servant also play a big part spying for my parents...eg. mandi pukul berapa, dia dah buat homework ke belum...apa? dia sakat adik!!!! You'll be surprise to know macam manalah your parents boleh tau all this information bila they all tu at work, ni mustilah kerja perisik upahan kan? Celaka perisik upahan itu.

Plus you'll be thinking, anak orang kaya memanglah bangang...at that age, who need perhatian? We just need freedom to main basikal sampai maghrib without fear of kena kunci luar rumah kan? Ish..perhatian konon...

According to my mother, my little niece (she is now 9 years old) pernah membuat plan nak lari dari rumah (like mother, like daughter...mak dia pun pernah lari dari rumah tau..tapi setakat sampai kat kedai aje) Puncanya, she and her cousin brother (my nephew) bergaduh berebut the leap frog toys I bought for them (aku pun satu, cheap skate ya amat, beli satu suruh share main berdua) dalam bergaduhan tu their nenek a.k.a. my mother, terpaksa bagi that machine to the little boy, pasalnya sijantan tu kalau menangis satu kampung boleh bangun (also like his mother) maka si Kakak merajuk lah. Dalam merajuk tu, my mother saw her packing her school bag, siap packing pencil box, kaler pencil and air kotak ribena.(Motif tak bungkus baju?) My mother tanyalah, 'Kakak nak pergi mana?' Kakak cakap, nak lari. She told my mother her plan...that she will walk to the bus stop, naik bas and the bus will take her to my father's house in TTDI. (gigih tu, nak naik bus from Paroi Jaya ke KL nun) From there, she will ask her atuk to call her Ibu to pick her up.She also said that she packed her pencil case and colour set supaya si jantan tu takleh curik masa dia takde rumah.Tengok tu, dalam busy nak lari dari rumah, harus menten konsep kedekut tak nak share barang!!

My mother tanya lagi...'Kakak ada duit tak, nak naik bus kena ada duit'. She answered 'nanti atuk bayar'. My mother told us that she is so determine to run away, my mother had to call the police. Kakak changed her mind after being sweet talk by the police.

The policeman my mother contacted, according to my niece, telah menjanjikan macam-macam hadiah.Pasal tu tak jadi lari.Yang kena marah is her Mak Ngah in Twickenham. 'Lain kali kalau kau nak beli permainan untuk budak-budak ni, beli dua.Jangan beli satu, puas lah bebudak ni dek bergaduh'.

Macam mana tu, orang lain yang nak lari dari rumah, orang lain yang kena marah?



***Policeman is my eldest brother, kena suruh menyamar oleh my mother****

Tragedy 27th December

27th December.....many years ago, my 'Uwan' passed away. In a car. Ni cerita betul ni.Not in an accident or anything horrid/tragic.Just sakit jantung, but tragic la jugak...for my auntie and my young cousins who travelled together.I was 18 or 19 (maybe 18 because I've already in the UK when I'm 19) dengan tak cukup tido nya (pasal kami gi melompat katak kat Sheila Majid Ikhlas Concert at Stadium Negara...merasa sangat kan? Puas kitorang melompat katak tak hengat rumahtangga pastu alih-alih, duduk bersimpuh membaca yassin...contra sangat)

And today, masa aku berpoya-poya di Oriental City having my proper Xmas dinner dengan geng-geng sejati, my partner called to tell me that Benazir was assassinated.Sungguh la tragic nya...tak sempat pulak nak pose-pose muka serious Amitabh Bachan (kan BM?) sebab the moment Meehon Goreng and my teh tarik sampai, I terus melantak dengan lahapnya.This is when people said, yang mati biar mati and yang hidup, kena teruskan makan Meehon.Tak gitu?

I nak kesian lebih-lebih pun, I tak kenal dia.My mind can't help to wonder, she was okay living in exile tapi kerna dek passionate sangat dengan politikus/polikucing kat Pekistan nun, dah tau ramai yang akan berpanas bontot tak senang berak bila dia dah start mengempen nak jadik PM balik,Benazir went ahead out of the sun roof and tupppp!!! For her to last this long sungguhlah impressive nya, considering semuanya since era-era Nehru-Jinnah-Gandhi semuanya kalau tak mati meletup,mesti mati kena tembak.

Of course many will say, this people that people will die for the country but doing what exactly? I would normally have pity for those who had their hand dirty and later died, literally for the nation and the country. Macam abang-abang askar kan? Bawak senapang berat-berat...kalau mati pun, kerana bangsa dan negara gitu.Sebab memang betul-betul pun mati kerana negara...

We have one who despise the West and the Jews, recruit the poor young soul, equipped them with bomb and what have you...tapi si dia nya, duduk menyorok dalam gua without having to dodge bullet.Nampak gaya macam takut mati aje tapi berkobar-kobar nak wage war dengan kaffir gitu.Orang lain mati tak apa kan, Mr Bin Liner?

While we thought semua orang dah maju, masih ada yang nak jadik suicide bomber.Obviously setelah dijanji manis oleh tah sesapa pengecut, bunuh lah pompuan tu, pompuan tak leh jadik pemimpin so on so on.What do the suicide bombers get? Are we that stupid to take on all that human promises ?

We never know who are these suicide bombers. Siapa nama, mana rumah we will never know and I bet family pun tak nak ngaku. People like Abdul Rahman Limbung or Tok Janggut carved a story in the history book but suicide bomber will stay to pieces with all the debris together with the empty promises.

Why can't we be passionate about stuff while not be non-threatening to others? Or if they hated the politician so much, can't they do Lee Harvey Oswald, shoot and go one man show without subjecting other unsuspecting civillian yang tak berdosa to mati free bersama-sama?

The Real 'Boxing' Day

Today is the 26th. The boxing day. Dedolu kan...masa belum jejak kaki kat Elizabeth Vagina ni..ehehemmm..Regina ni, I dok tertanya-tanya, hapalah kejadahnya Boxing Day ni. Adalah ini hari yang di khaskan untuk bertumbuk? Taksub sangatkah orang UK ni dengan Muhammad Ali ke, Joe Frazier or tah sesapa lagi boxer-boxer dalam dunia ni sampai tak menyempat-nyempat habis aje Xmas, terus nak nangga/tengok boxing? Kenak/kenapa ya?

When I first came to England in 1992, barulah ku tahu apa kebenda Boxing Day tu. I was told that in the olden days (betul ke fakta ini, Hjh Leemah?) orang kaya kat England ni...kalau bagi diorang punya servants Xmas gift, harus berbondong-bondong berkotak-kotak lah banyak nya. Kaya lah kata kan...habis Xmas aje, you can see all servants go home with boxes yang penuh dengan hadiah. Tah ye tah tidak cerita tu. But masa I sampai,Boxing Day in Liverpool (LJM) tak le semeriah kat London ni...and when I moved to Sheffield, lagilah macam takde benda (or is it just me yang tak berduit sokmo nak bershopping mopping bagai ni)

In London, kedai bukak pukul 5 pagi (siapalah yang gigih nak bershopping tu) and you can see all sort of people beratur depan kedai. Heran I tau...selalunya kita dengar orang bersungut-sungut nak jadik miskin after spending all their money buying presents...tapi, macam mana duit boleh menjelma balik dalam pocket untuk dibuat perabis on Boxing Day? Ish..orang putih ni, selalu memang suka cakap they all tu takde duit...tapi dalam takde-takde duit, pub pub penuh manjang...and bila nak membeli beer berperisa air longkang tu ada pulak duit?

Well, my Xmas was great,considering yang I ni takdelah nak bersakan-sakan menyambut hari Xmas. I just like opening the presents. Seharian I macam ular sawa...I did not lift a finger. Orang itu lah yang memasak Xmas lunch (pasal I tak reti...tak kan lah I nak jamu dia meehon goreng...) I sticked to what I did best, mengemas rumah dan membasuh pinggan. I must warned you yang orang putih ni..tak suka basuh pinggan lepas makan. Lagi lama pinggan mangkuk tu duduk bermastautin dalam sink..lagi they all suka. Semenjak I dah pandai buat rumah F macam rumah sendiri (as in, makan tidur and buang air tak mintak kebenaran) I have always volunteer to do the washing up. Bukan apa you all...orang tu basuh pinggan cawan dia..main rendam..pastu dibiar kering dengan buih-buihnya sekali. Eeeeeeee.....tak kuasa aku nak pakai pinggan mangkuk tak berbilas dengan air bersih. Dia ingat kita ni bangsa Super Busa ke?

I dah tak larat nak tegur....semuanya jadik punca pergaduhan. So, kalau dah pandai nak duduk dengan orang putih, merasalah menahan hati. Sudah nya kalau nak puas hati, buatlah sendiri, kan, Makji Eton?

Orang tu suruh I tunggu makan dulu baru bukak hadiah, tapi I macam tak menyempat-nyempat pulak. Dia tanya kenapa I tak bagi Xmas card kat dia...I pun selambalah cakap...buat apa you nak I kasi you card pulak, kitakan dah dok sekali...mana ada orang bagi Xmas card sesama sendiri kan? Macam loyar buruk aje I bagi syarahan pepagi buta...I cakap, my father pun takde bagi card raya kat my mother. Last-last orang itu cakap..why don't you just cut the crap and say that you forget to buy me one...I'll forgive you. Eeeshhh..paksa-paksa pulak!!

But the whole thing is just a right smack on my face...and it is so obvious that I am just a ungrateful cow....

First, it was Xmas...orang tu punya celebration. Masa raya that day, dia suruh I balik KL supaya I boleh celebrate gila-gila katanya. Encouragement besar-besaran. Tapi bila time dia punya Xmas, aku bagi dia 2 presents aje..tu pun beli kat Marketplace Amazon.

2nd...orang tu, dah le Xmas nya tak berapa nak meriah sebabnya mak nya baru mati, the least I can do is to make things nicer. Ni tak....aku komplennnnnnnnnnnnnnn aje.

3rd, I got 5 presents. Antanya ialah pocket PC...orang tu prihatin semenjak dua menjak jadik troubleshooter ni, I selalu banyak appoinment and menjadik pelupa. The new gadget will help me to become super organise (cemanalah nak guna benda alah tu) and the CD's I specifically requested.

When I think about all this, I realised what a bitch I am. I puas sungguh mengumpat orang itu dalam blog ni...and orang tu did nothing but try to make me happy.

Keji kan I? What this day should be is..me in a boxing ring.....and become a punching bag.

(Tetapi percayalah kata-kata ku ini....perasaan bersalah ni hanyalah seketika.Bila si orang tu start balik menyakitkan hati I, maka mulalah aku akan start mengumpat dia balik)

Lets Be Un Merry, Shall We?

I thought very hard about updating this. I am very busy. So so busy. I was asked to travel on Xmas Eve. I was so lucky that I managed to get the last tube back. The Underground shut at 9.00 pm on Xmas Eve and take operate Lang sung on Xmas day. The usual scapegoat and the ever ‘never mind laa...I’ll do it’ me was running marathon in Terminal 4 and melompat masuk kedalam the Picadilly Line. Nasib baik ramai orang.

I know I have at least 4 or 5 presents under the Xmas fibre optic tahun lepas tree. I noticed that one was offended with my adopted lifestyle and ‘identity’ hence questioning my religious faith. Just because I sent Xmas card, buying Xmas presents and celebrate Xmas.

What can I say? If all these offends you, maka...janganlah masuk page ni lagi. Pergilah masuk blog Sinar Islam ke, where you can find all the fully clad tudungs girl, kissing the hand of their beloved husband looking guilty. The husband of course, muka macam bangga aje. Funnily enough, I kind of celebrate Xmas in Malaysia too, where our parents gave us money to buy presents for our neighbour. The last time I check, we are all still Muslims.

To all the staunch and devout Muslims who easily get offended over the littlest thing the non-Muslims did, Xmas is as the same as all the religious celebrations. I just happened to live in a non-Muslim country and I think, Malaysia (as much as the PAS wants) are not Muslim country too. Yes, we are the majority together with the rest that are minority, we hold the same rights.

I am not easily offended but I honestly cannot understand why people can get upset/annoyed over other peoples choices and start questioning their faith.

But, let me tell you what I like. I like to annoy annoyed people more. Let see what you think of this

I went to Xmas Carol Concert

Of course….I trade presents

I pulled crackers and ate traditional Xmas lunch, minus the binatang, as F, as you may now know is a vegetarian.Makan sayur aje aku…with Holland & Barrats pretend bacons

I finished a bottled of Lambrusco (this is the only wine I can handle…)

So let’s decide what is my identity shall we.

To all my friends, tak kira kat mana pun…especially to the one yang ber party anak beranak on Xmas Eve and the one yang tengah menggasak rumahnya yang berkulat, Merry Xmas.Jomlah kita ambik gambar beramai-ramai berposing Mary and the Baby Jesus pastu upload dalam blog ni, bagi orang tengok, nak tak?

Entry Mengarut Lepas Clubbing

I dread to think that I have made orang ini into a friends of Dorothy (female versions..kalau ada la) But if she is seriously considering, aku pun..apa lagi..kecik bakul Tesco...trolley 4 tayar ku persembahkan.

But her thoughts...her hormones talking (as she vehemently claimed) prompted me into thinking that there is a huge possibility that if you marry a wrong man or a ordinary man yang pada mula nya sebelum dapat, janji sungguh manis mengalahkan kuih taik itik (seriously, taik itik?) or 10 kilo gula but after a while, he is as good as biawak. Tapi, what good is biawak anyway? Selain daripada suka enterframe kat jalan-jalan kampung dan menakutkan orang-orang yang penakut cam aku ni, biawak jugalah khabarnya suka mencopet ayam-ayam ternakan orang kampung. I was told (tak tau lah benar ke idak) that the Indians eat biawak. If this true, bravo to you the great Indians...pupuskanlah biawak. Makan lah biawak. Mari kita hantar memorandum ke Perhilitan.Tak kuasa aku.But, do forgive my acid tongue if this is not true...I hate to think that I am capable of creating a racial disrespect here.

Listen..kalau nak dilayan macam Agung or at least macam Ketua Kampung...(kalau tak agung pun) look out for a gay man.Nescaya, compliments tak kan kurang, kau akan dilayan dengan penuh kasih sayang, although the disadvantage is that your laki will become the greatest critics (or nag) worst than your own mother and that be sure to share half of your perfume (and compact powder too). Of course, if you don't mind once in a while (or bebila perlu) your hubby pergi menghantar air kat jejantan murahan (matilaa aku kena belasah dengan gay man pasni) kat semak-semak tepi tasik kat Clapham Common ke, Hampstead apa ke nama tempat tu...or that tasik kat Cheras.

Kisah benar....my school friend, married a gay man. She knew it all along walaupun jantan ni tak ngaku. But her openmindness telah membuka kepala hotak jantan itu (not forgetting his trousers) supaya accepting himself as himself. In their 7 years marriage, she

1) Never had to resort to technique berkomunikasi secara telepathy bila inginkan hadiah hari jadi ke, hadiah anniversarry ke or apa-apa yang dia teringin nak makan. Her 'BangKak' (abangkakak) tahu aje bila nak menghiburkan hati bini nya without thinking that her bini meroyan ke or buang tebiat

2) Bila dia macam nak tumbang mengandung 6 bulan...her BangKak, denied her rights to travel to work on her own. She is no longer allowed to bawak kereta, bawak plastik bags and bawak handbag yang berat nya hanyalah 500 gm.Instead, her BangKak chaffeured her to work, supplied her with asam, Fillet O'Fish, cook breakfast and dinner and even dispatch lunch to her office. The only thing she ever do during her pregnancy is tukar baju, makan, berak and tidur aje. (Hish..rasa nak kawin lak dengan laki dia)

3) Bila dia macam nak mampos beranak...the aftermath of her labour was replace by a full package of expensive in house butler and spa treament. Her BangKak was at her side before and after, and takdelah nak pitam-pitam tengok darah or nak jadik camerman wannabe. Her BangKak held her all throughouts.After her ordeal, her BangKak calmly said...'Lepas ni, ikut you lah kalau you nak beranak lagi...tak sanggup I tengok you sakit macam tu'. Ohhh....

4) Of course, kalau dah dilayan cam ni..maka this lucky bitch (that what I call her) takde susah susah nak bela anak. She goes out whenever she wants to without having to think, siapalah nak babysit.

Meantime, using a reverse psychology on gay man usually works. She encouraged him to ber clubbing macam tak hengat donia (macam ada orang tu, yang malam raya haji, gi clubbing kat Leicester Sq, pastu tadi pagi kena tegur) ...and he rasa berdosa and he stayed at home being a lovely hubby. My friend also told me that they both sometimes check out the gay porn website and share a giggles and aspirations.

But, life is not perfect.And I truly believe that we have to respect and support each other and compromise. I don't think I can.Maybe a bit but not as much. Pasal tu la aku dok bergaduh aje sepanjang masa.

I wonder if any wives would suggest to their hubby

'Bang gi la clubbing' (walaupun hanya suggest-suggest ayam) and her hubby will dissapear macam kilat.

'Bang, saya relakan abang gi cari pompuan lain' (this is also to see how deep is the hubby love) and hubby, tanpa rasa bersalah terus google number telepon Nasha Aziz kan?

But Kiah, I am so flattered with your hint-hint.But we mustn't chew more than we can bite. Maafkan aku mematahkan hatimu (you have been warned kan?) but, if ever kau nak bagi notice 24 jam kat orang itu, contact lah aku ye?

What can I say, I'm just a very,very nice person!!!! (ayoyo)

Hatiku Yang Dingin...

We must accept the fact that kita ni semua memang suka drama-drama berunsur gossip or anything that can be catogorised as kelucahan melampau. Honestly, I takde mood nak update. Bila I nak update, I teringat kat orang ittew yang malas nak hapdate blog nya tapi tanpa segan silliew (boleh ka, silu jadik silliew...nak memondan punya pasal) mengerah diriku ini supaya hapdate blog dengan cerita-cerita sensasi untuk kepuasan dirinya ittew? Ciss kau bedebah!!! Adakah ini namanya keadilan? Boleh kah kita suruh orang lain update blognya tapi kita sendiri lebih rela tidur, makan karipap, main kucing dan memerintah laki keluar rumah gi cari donat?

What can I write about? I'm not seeing patient..pasalnya...kita semua dah break for Xmas...and I'm now concentrating on Crisis Management activities...sack orang tu..supervise orang ni...maki orang tu...hantar surat kat orang ni. Ditambah pulak dengan keadaan sejuk macam puaka. Dah pakai baju berlapis pun...rasa nak keras badan. Beli gloves, merasa bila sampai rumah hilang sebelah. Tak nak pitam? Nasib baik I ni bangsa chee kai murahan yang beli sarung tangan kat Tesco, so kalau hilang pun tak lah ghalat. Tapi tak ghalat pun, kalau satu dah £1.99, kalau hilang sepuluh kali...tak ke boleh balik Malaysia aku naik Air Asia? (Speaking of which...bila la Air Asia nak start ni...janji manis mu ke, Tony?)

I'm so busy.At the moment I am so thirsty and si Andrew masih belum muncul kat office I, walaupun telah ku hambat pergi kedai to buy me 2 bottles of Diet Coke.I have this big party kat Central London (yang di plan oleh Miss Nigeria yang kaki ronggeng tu) and now, I'm worried about what to wear. I got Xmas party at work tomorrow yang kalau boleh aku macam nak escape aje, tapi buatnya boss marah sebab 'this is important for business' kunun nya....habis, camne nak blah kan?

Things (presents) that I ordered from Amazon tak sesampai lagi...yang membuatkan hatiku gundah gulana...ni lah bahana nya buat order last minute. I keep getting chocolate for presents, which is not consistent with my aim to loose some weight...(sejuk-sejuk ni selera makan mengalahkan gajah liar)

Orang ittew desperate nak tahu apalah kejadahnya aku berpegang-pegang tangan, berpegang-pegang pinggang bagai...dengan si Gems itu (read gems, g not j...short for gemuk) Well, semenjak termetrai nya perjanjian dua hala antara aku dan dirinya...ni janji bukan sehidup semati or anything of that kind, but more to janji..kalau kau buat perangai Neng Yatimah ke, S Kadarisman ke, habislah peluang mu untuk menjadik kawanku Maybank. So JT happily agreed, although not in so many words, ye lah, aku pun buat perjanjian kan not in many words jugak...but he is behaving more normal now.Takdelah nak merayu-rayu. And, I can do with a male company and sadly, memang ni lah kerja aku sejak dulu bila hatiku kechiwa dengan siamang itu.

JT wanted to buy a winter jacket and mintaklah bantuan ku yang sahihnya buta fashion ini...but it is better a woman opinion than a man, so with my expertise (yang kukumpul dari menengok magazine-magazine lucah yang menunjukkan badan-badan jantan yang mampan) dapat lah dia 2 helai jacket yang membuatkan dia nampak macho and less boroi. We shopped in Guilford and masa nak balik, tengah-tengah I ber catwalk (harus tak nak kalah) and dia ber biawalk menuju kearah station, mulalah angin bertiup dengan kijam nya...(Kiah, you remember that Chris Vadham song...walau sekijam ini yang kau lakukan...) and we desperately have to hold on to each other dengan kijam nya. Tuhan ajelah yang maha tahu if JT dah mengambik kesempatan memegang pinggangku yang ala-ala muffin itu.

Yes, kami berpegang tangan...dia yang initiate and I am this baik hati tak nak memalukan dia dikhalayak matsalleh-matsalleh kat Guilford nun. We walk as we locked each other arm side by side sampai lah ke station...adalah dalam 300 metres aje adegan maksiat itu.

Itu aje. But after that, I feel so awkward...maklum lah..I kan gadis desa..tak biasa. He texted me later that night...mengucapkan terima kasih kerana kesudian ku membawak dia shopping and complimented my soft skin. Penipu sangatlah...bila masa dia rasa kulit ku yang gebbiew ini...kan ke aku berbalutan macam kuih gulung that day.

Jantan, kalau compliment pompuan, tak pernahnya lah yang ikhlas.Mesti ada elemen-elemen seksual kan...ada hajat lah tu.

Cold Sunday Update

Bila dah berumahtangga dengan omputih ni, walaupun rumahtangga kadang-kadang aman dan kadang-kadang berperang,dalam paksa rela...terpaksa jugaklah menyambut Krismas dengan sepenuh hati as in, bergolok bergadai membeli present even untuk orang yang kita tak suka tapi nak buat macam mana kan? Dah bersedara githoo....

I was given a list for me to start gift-hunting but busy me, managed to get out of acara penerokaan supermarket-supermarket untuk mencari hadiah by paying half of the cost and let the less busy one to berpening kepala mencari hadiah.For my own list (ni termasuk hadiah yang misti ku beli untuk F and untuk staff-staff kat opis I) what I did was to buy them online (aku beli barang 2nd hand pun orang tak kan tau) and get them delivered to my opis and pastu suruh orang lain balut. Well,what can I say...my penyalahgunaan kuasa dalam opis telah berlaku sekian lama and menunggu masa aje untuk direport kan kepada boss-boss besar.But for some reason, I know my sub ordinates will never betray me like that, nak nak pulak aku yang berabis duit belikan diorang tu hadiah...tak kan they all nak report kat HQ yang I paksa diorang beli wrapping paper,stamps and bungkus hadiah kot.Jahat lah kan?

Ikutkan busy nya, memang tak ter hupdate blog ni...walaupun banyak betul cerita sensasi...like berdating dengan JT sambil pegang-pegang tangan and pinggang bagai (wah!!!! boleh tahan gak gelenyor nya aku ni) Like others with laki and anak kecik, I have no good reason not to, walaupun work wise la ni, I have to split time between Croydon & Twickenham and really, nak ber Xmas party pun tak sempat!!!

But here I am, telling you some boring stuff about me wrapping a Xmas presents, MB's gallivanting to Amsterdam tapi tak ngajak I (puaka kan, Hjh Eton?) me having to be in 2 places in a day, Mohamad Al-Fayed somewhere ranting endlessly about his son & Princess D being the victim of Royal conspiracy...Jodie Foster is gay...Channel 4 showing a program about trying to turn the North Yorkshian into a devout Muslim and that Spice Girl is back in Concert (walaupun aku sampai sekarang having no joy to buy the ticket)

Nonetheless, amid being so occupied, I still think about Sam, the good thing...the bad one, the laugh and the tears (mine that is) I copied Anuar Zain song into my Ipod today and can't seems to stop repeating the same song...it says in its lyrics

'Meski bercinta kadang tak indah, tapi tuk buktikan kau yang terindah....'

That part is true, nothing is all nice in a relationship...tapi dah terbalik tertonggeng macam I ni pun masih nak membuktikan si cinabeng tu yang terindah...

Soheh gila kan I?

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Sometimes, it feels as if there is someone standing in your way at every turn.Is it just you? Maybe. May well be.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but many of us self-sabotage from time to time.Like moir, dah elok-elok happy (happy ke aku?) gatal,gatal,gatal gi melayan jantan nan sorang itu. Apa dah jadi sekarang?

I can't stop thinking about Sam.Siamang...eh..Sam.Nope, Siamang. I was fine (or maybe not..but manageable) since aku ditipunya untuk kali kedua 10 years ago.Hati patah...but you know, you just got to live with it.I was practically crying for 5 years (takdelah hari-hari..kalau tak buta dah) and I started to come out from my shell (shocked!) after that.

Si Mangkuk hayun itu macam mintak dikasihani ala-ala kucing lapar, and aku macam tak sabar-sabar nak menjadi tangan yang memberi. On my way back to opis today from Lowestoft, and thinking about him...I feel so disgusted with myself. Apa tak nya, dah puas ku kutuk dia dalam ini blog, dah puas ku memotivasi diri supaya jangan mengenang barang yang lepas and after been telling myself (and you) yang aku kenkonon nya dah moved on, tetiba pulak..hari ni, semalam and 2 hari lepas, I am feeling what I feel many many years ago when I was with him.

Although I macam bongkak gila cakap dengan you all yang I tak kan lah akan telepon dia, I can swear that tadi, masa meeting, hati and tangan macam digaru-garu je nak telepon jantan itu. Tapi, demi mempertahankan maruah ku (I really don't know what I mean by this) I didn't and the practical me (more like the kedekut nak mampus me) was thinking...janganlah sesekali kau menghabiskan duit bertelepon dengan jantan yang takde hasil tu.

See, is it true that our inner saboteur is activated when we feel strong emotions? If someone expects rejections and instead experiences joy and happiness, it conflicts with their repressed expectation, so becoming a saboteur is a way of dealing with that, and creating outcome that doesn't conflict with their beliefs. In other words, if we have a deep-seated negative believe that conflicts with positive experience, we sabotage our happiness in order to prove that our belief is true.

Is it just a fear of change perhaps? Like, kalau dia itu hilang dari ingatan ku, maka adakah aku ni dikira tak cool gitu? Make sense kah? I am this woman who was dumped, cheated and forlorn. Unconsciously, maybe I love the attention of being the victim of that heartless keparat.And if I move on and happy again with another person, maka there will be no more poor putus chenta Makji Esah. Can it be just that? Ish..buruk benarkah perangai ku?

I keep telling my patient that life is about choice. You are in control. You're sad if you want to be sad, you're lonely because you like to be alone and inadvertantly isolating yourself but here I am, contradicting my own words and behaving like a 'celaka'!!!

(Ermm..I have been teaching MB2 Malay words...she complaint that MB1 only taught her P words and obscenities, maka I pun ajar lah dia, 'when you're angry, you can say 'kau celaka' ..because it mean 'damn you'. She said to me one day that MB didn't bother to shower and I asked her to try it in Bahasa. She went 'Debab tidak mandi empat hari..busuk babi'. Well done!!! Semalam MB1 told me that MB2 told her off and uttered 'Stop behaving like a celaka'. I thought that was funny)

I knew from the start that making contact again with Siamang is not a good idea, but I really can't help myself.I know there will be no future, because I don't want it anymore...but I just can't live to wonder what might happen if I don't follow my heart. I followed my heart (my karipap more like, by the sound of it) and see what it does to me?

Kan senang kalau dia mampos terus...tak yah nak ingat-ingat lagi....(hamboii mulut ku)

Latest Blogging Assignment

Manal tagged me. I have in the past ignored 2 tag without even apologising. Some of the tag given susah nak buat...especially untuk yang bukan computer savvy cam I ni. I think this one is quite peasy nak buat, they gave you question, you jawab. Tu aje...so I pun buat lah.

1) Name of a person who made you laugh last night
Catherine Tate. ‘Gay??? What on earth are you insinuating...how veryyy dare youuuu’

2) What were you doing at 0800?
Today? At the opis...sorting out my things to do list and to check my message book

3) What were you doing 30mnts ago?
Sorting out repeat prescription request (masih kat opis ni...).

4) What happened to you in 2006?
Somewhere in West Sussex Registry office, signing legal paper with F!!!

5) What was the last thing you said out loud?
Today, at another unit, having a go at the Manager, ‘If you still want to have your job, you better start listening and start doing things’. Kejam tak? .

6) How many beverages did you have today?
A mug of coffee in the morning, made by Miss Nigeria and another mug of coffee when I return back to my unit, made by Andrew (my colleague).Macam mana tak berak batu, nyah?

7) What colour is your hairbrush?
A maroon brownish £3.99 sikat from Superdrugs

8) What was the last thing you paid for?
My Oyster Card (Travelcard All Zone) Renewal

9) Where were you last night?
In Twickenham (at opis)

10) What colour is your front door?
Office door, house door? Frankie’s front door is blue...

11) Where do you keep your change?
The copper will go into my tabung and the rest, stays in my purse sampai dia ghaib dengan sendirinya...

12) What's the weather like today?
Macam puaka.Cold, wet,cold..mulut berasap....cold!!!!

13) What's the best ice-cream flavour?
Anything with MINT on it

14) What excites you?
Computer games.....and Meehon goreng

15) Do you want to cut your hair?
I cut my hair short last Saturday

16) Are you over the age of 25?
This question is 10 years too late....

17) Do you talk a lot?
Only when I’m grumpy .

18) Do you watch the O.C?
Not really...I don’t really like corny stuff like that

19) Do you know anyone named Steven?
Miyak Seghawak tu ka? I got Stephen here (pronounced Steven) at work and a patient called Stephen too

20) Do you make up your own words?
My vocab is poor...so I’m likely to copy.

21) Are you a jealous person?
I don’t know....you have to go out with me to find out

22) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A'
3 boleh? Anne, Andrew, Aidan

23) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K'
JT’s real name is K...

24) Who's the first person on your received call list?
My boss....macam takde kerja lain nak memerintah-merintah aku!!

25) What does the last text message you received say?
Kitak boleh ka sik book parking motor kat Stansted Airport untuk kamek? (MB’s plea)

26) Do you chew on your straw?
No.

27) Do you have curly hair?
Only when it’s longer...

28) Where's the next place you're going to?
Lowestoft, Suffolk....for a assessment meeting

29) Who's the rudest person in your life?
My current partner.....(farkkk this..farkkkk that...)

30) What was the last thing you ate?
Peanut Butter Sandwich

31) Will you get married in the future?
If my partnership dissolved...maybe

32) What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks?
Kissing Of Jessica Stein (I owned the DVD since 2003, and I have been watching it since...bila rasa nak gelak).

33) Is there anyone you like right now?
My boss...tak tau lah kenapa..but I just heard that she is been made Operations Manager, so adakah ini bermakna aku akan naik pangkat juga?

34) When was the last time you did the dishes?
This morning....

35) Are you currently depressed?
Mildly maybe....I’m on tablet, what do I know!!!.

36) Did you cry today?
Almost

37) Why did you answer and post this?
Because I already ignored 2 tags, so I better do this...plus I’m very fond of the blogger who sent me this tag..siap dia!!!.

38) Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
Kiah,Kiah,Kiah,Kiah and Kiah. Sebab dia pemalas...boleh?

Siamang's Tale

Dear people, I must tell you that this is my 350th post. I really have to make a big deal out of this sebabnya, dalam kesibukan ku mengejar bus, mem blow dry rambut, bekerja, mengumpat or anything in my things to do list, I managed to wrestled 350 karangan yang takleh langsung dijadikan iktibar untuk umat Islam am nya or generasi muda/tua.Apatah lagi nak membimbing rakan sebaya.But nevertheless, I sungguh bangga dengan diri I sendiri. Although my contract stated my working hours is 37.5 hours weekly, yakni 7.5 hours daily, I hardly get off beyond 8 hours. Tu tak campur travelling, kena masuk secure unit and tengok CCTV, and bila dikira-kira, I have worked at least 10 days in a week dengan gaji yang sungguh chee put!!! While others may use anak or laki sebagai alasan tak nak update blog, I takde masa nak berak ni pun, sebolehnya cuba nak membuat post, walaupun adakalanya, post-post yang ku post (apa ayat ni?) sungguh tak memberi makna.

I agreed to tell of my writing relationship dengan siamang. Sekarang ni, we trade email on a regular basis, tapi yang betulnya, pakcik will reply to my mail secepat kilat. Kiah, might you wonder...adakah aku terlampau free or gatal kerna aku masih jugak nak menjejak kasih dengan dia. Takde kerja lain ke aku? But honestly, if this make sense, I feel that if I don't reply his email, one day I might regret for not doing so and I think, I am in a better frame of mind to be reconnected to him (adakah kerana anti depressant yang ku telan memalam tu?)

Like any other jilted lover, I really don't have expectation this time. He emailed, I answered.On my second email to him (bagi membalas 3 email nya...3 email dia, 1 email I...so takdelah nampak cam desperate kan?) I told him that I was in KL recently and saw him kat shopping complex pre war tu, Kiah. Of course, he is dissapointed pasal I tak tegur dia. Dah dekat macam tu.I told him that seeing him in the first place is not easy for me. Not easy as in, tak tergamak nak kupandang muka nya tu..bukan nya sebab nak parang dia ke apa) I remarked about his grey hair and his physique. He looks thin. (and sad)

Talking to him now is like talking to him years ago. We pussy foot around each other a lot. There's plenty things unsaid and terbuku dalam hati. My frustration with him years ago. My ex is very much like me. We don't tell each other the most important things. He may look like he didn't care but he did and I was the same. He is always a good writer and I will missed his letters more than him because he speaks with insight. In e-letters now, I can see how we started to tell things that we never said to each other. He speaks about his unsaid feelings and I tell him about the pain.

There is one email I didn't send because I was crying when I wrote it. I didn't realised after all this years that I am still emotional. Everything is vivid. I can feel my heart is broken.

He wants to speak to me. I told him that it is better not because after all these years, I have managed to leave him and placed him where he should be, my past. (and in my blog)

This time, Siamang only after my affirmation which I already confirmed. Masa mula-mula dia contact, aku macam sasau ingat dia nak menggatal kembali. I don't think it was his intention this time. He's sorry for the pain and he asked if there's ever anything he can do. Pelik pulak jantan ni...

Ada babi di sebalik kueh tiaw kah?

Sehari Bersama Kak Katak

Nampak gaya nya, I will have to facilitate Kakak TKC tu buat thesis dia. Makkk...boss thought that it will be good for marketing and for me to socialise. Kakak pulak macam rajin aje nak bersosialan dengan I and today, when she come round to my work place, Kakak terus kata, ni dah kenal-kenal ni boleh lak ajak I datang rumah dia..nak masak-masak katanya. Wah!!!!

Tanpa ditanya today, Kakak dengan voluntary nya cerita kat I yang dia datang buat PHD dengan laki nya. The anak tinggal kat mak (isk..aku benci betul orang suka post-post anak kat mak ni!!!) While Kakak bersengkang mata buat PHD, her abang bersengkang mata tengok TV.Jadik house husband githoo.They live somewhere in Finchley (area-area Israel tu) and Kakak ni dengan muka berseri-serinya mulalah cerita kat I (hey Kak, nak buat PHD ke nak ber pot pet pot pet?) yang dia dengan abang nya dah plan nak melawat serata Europe to rekindle their bulan madu (ohh..too much information)

Like ribut petir (sekarang kau tau lah Kiah, kenapa aku tak suka campur Melayu) Kakak start asking about my private life...dah kahwin ke, dah ada anak ke...seperti biasa, me and my usual 'get you off my back' line, single lagi...mana ada orang nak. Tapi aku ni pulak macam tak reti-reti yang usual consequences bila cakap macam tu ialah orang mulalah start nak mengenen aku dengan ni lah, tu lah..(weih..ingat aku tak laku sangat ke?)

I don't usually discuss personal life kat office. Takde pressure pun. Orang putih takdelah tanya hal personal sampai reben seluar dalam.The most pun tanya 'do you have a family?' aje. So Kakak (bless her, she is only trying to be friendly) macam biasa cuba memupuk semangat kemelayuan antara kami berdua (wuekkkk!!!) dengan mencungkil segala kisah dalam kain ku.

Aku rasa nak tampar aje budak KATAK tu bila dialogue, dialogue ni keluar dari mulut dia yang mungil tu...

'Alaaa..ye ke single? Tak kan lah...you dah lama kat sini, tak kan tak jumpa idaman kalbu?'

'Ey..bagitau la, jangan lah malu-malu, nak jugak kita kenal dengan pakwe awak'

'Abang I kan..dia kan..ni kan..tu kan...kan kan kan...'

'Kita ramai tau kawan-kawan yang bujang...kita boleh kenal kan kat awak...'

'Nanti kita suruh 'sayang' kita introduce kat awak best friend dia..macho tau'

Ehem..ehem..that last dialogue tu, what I ate yesterday boleh keluar masa tu jugak bila mendengar 'sayang kita' tu. I swear, kalaulah aku ada marker pen yang tebal tu, harus kedalam tekaknya lah tersangkut pen tu sekarang.

Ni lah satu yang aku tak gemar nya budak TKC ni. I have always bite my tongue tau, tapi kali ni, hoi budak-budak TKC yang baca ni, nak kecik ati, kecdik ati lah. When I was in Convent Seremban, budak TKC harus bersidai kat Wisma Punca Emas tu tayang badge sekolah memasing.Ala..pergi pekan pun, harus pakai badge sekolah ke? Apsal? Nak bagi budak SDAR nampak ke? Nak jantan sangat, apsal tak gi ngorat je budak sekolah agama tepi sekolah awak tu?

I must thank my lucky star (lucky star hapa nya..mmg busy sokmo pung) that although I have to facilitate Kakak ni (nasib baik dia hanya akan datang 2 kali seminggu in the next couple of weeks) the Kakak will have to follow my schedule, kalau I tak busy, maka bolehlah I tolong jawab soklan-soklan dia. Most of the time I am damn busy that I don't even have time to answer text (sengoti Hjh Leemah!!!)

I told Kakak that I will be travelling next week and she be assist by Miss Nigeria.

'Alaa..takpelah, kita tunggu awak free, boleh kita borak-borak'

*****Dalam Hati, Hoi Puaka, kau tau tak aku tak nak borak dengan kau*****

I am torn between my right for privacy and my soft nature. Kakak seems like a nice girl. But, apart from gay man, I could not cope with high degree of effemininity, especially this Kakak worship the ground that her abang walks on terlebih-lebih.Well, bila la pompuan-pompuan ni nak sedar yang kita pun ada girl power ala-ala Spice Girl as in, kalau laki tu dah bangsa takleh harap, campak lah aje dalam longkang. Takyah lah nak lelayan lagi macam Agung. I bukan apa you all, rimas I dengar dia cerita pasal 'Sayang Kita' tu. Kalau la 'Sayang Kita' tu angkasawan Malaysia ke takpelah jugak kan. Bukannya I buruk sangka you all. Tapi, what do you expect, the abang khabar nya hanya duduk mengangkang membesarkan his fruit and vegetables aje kat rumah.

Did i tell you that Kakak TKC bawak karipap (karipap betul tau, Kiah) for me today. Nak say thank you katanya. Tanpa rasa berdosa, aku makan karipap itu.It taste so nice until

'Sayang kita pun suka karipap tau'

I wish I can answer..of course..he likes your KARIPAP.

Kakak just finish meeting with me half an hour ago, and she left without my mobile number. But she left me hers, so that I can give her a ring bila I free. For now, syukur...

Happy weekend, you all

Blueprint

Because I work actively in the 'Challenging Behaviour Unit', we have what we here call 'catharsis method' yang serupa macam counselling session tapi dikhaskan untuk orang-orang yang berperangai buruk aje.While we think that this method may only be suitable kepada yang mengalami masalah mental yang teruk (disebabkan oleh ketidak seimbangan kimia dalam badan) and the one with learning difficulties (isk..tak baik tau orang kita panggil cacat otak), you will be surprise to know that most of the people who access this service are the normal cohabiting couple.

I met this lady today from KL. She is here for her PHD. Sebaya I dia ni and ehemm..ehem..ehem..budak TKC. She is now doing some research dengan my organisation and tah macam mana, my boss yang mulutnya mengalahkan loudspeaker Victoria Station tu gi bagitau dia yang she maybe like to meet someone who is from Malaysia as well (Makji le, you all..sapa lagi) Mak oii, dalam pada kita ni nak low profile, my boss pulak macam orang jakun ingat that we Malaysian should meet and get together gitu...haiyah..boss, ramailah orang Malaysia kat sini..tak jumpa pun takpe (boleh tak statement ni?)

Sebab Kakak ni macam berminat nak tahu pasal psychology in treating challenging behaviour ni, maka I pun tunjukkan lah kat dia case-case study and case case benar yang ada dalam unit ni and what are our care management plan. See DBI, I rasa macam pandai sungguh hari ni maklumlah budak MRSM kan dikira budak Class C, so bila Makji Esah dapat mendidik and menayang pandai kat budak TKC, rasa kaki tak jejak bumi sungguh. So si Kakak ni pun macam impress gila babi and habis I ni dipersembahkan dengan segala puji-pujian ala-ala Raihan gitu.

So bila dia mintak pendapat I in what way is this technique will be conducive to communication between human, I pun cakaplah kat dia, pergilah buat proposal kat Jabatan Agama Islam and implement this for the purpose of marriage resuscitation. Kakak cakap 'what do you mean by that?'

I told her that although the health services are using this method to communicate with those with no cognitive ability to understand almost anything, the fact that we must not deny that human without complex needs macam kita ni pun, kenkadang berchallenging behaviour jugak. We know about so many couple that can't communicate because one party just refuse to listen. Married couple can sometime don't know how to approach each other. They talked to people they're not suppose to about their problems.

Couple consciously think that they are trapped in each other space and therefore any conflict be it minor or major will feel worse than it really is in reality. Malay divorce in majority ended very bad, some with bermusuh forever. They were offered counselling but in all honesty, you can't offer a peace talk with someone who is by choice wanted to kill each other.

JT told me that he and his wife was invited for a counselling in the Jabatan Agama. Because I have never been in one, I do not know what sort of advise they offer. I think, if your marriage can no longer work because of the clash of personality and intention, you best get out of it while you can. Don't live a lie. According to JT they both were made to realise the dosa of meruntuhkan mesjid bla..bla..bla. When my best friend was filing for her divorce years ago, she got the same nasihat as well. I was told that the couple that was invited to counselling mostly can't and don't even want to look at each other in the eye.

The idea of calling the couple together is bad. Maybe one of each can go for counselling if needed to. Propose to them separately to meet again and talk together in the presence of a neutral person. On top of that, we just have to resign to the fact that some people are just happy to retreats into their individual corner and run away from their problems.

While Kakak is so eager to make a difference to her Jabatan bila dia balik Malaysia nanti dengan kemahiran berkomunikasi nya, I calmly told her that, she must agree that relationship between human will only improve when they start to appreciate each other communication style and if not all, meet each other halfway.

I had lunch with Kakak and I secretly think that she, being a scholar that she is, disagree with me. Maklum lah, saya kan takde Master...apatah lagi PHD.

And that is why, I still hate doing relationship counselling.

Jelly Hates Mushy

Erm...dalam kedinginan cuaca yang kejap-kejap basah pastu cahaya matahari yang keluar ala-ala hidup segan mati tak mau gitu, I pun dengan perasaan penuh tanggungjawab (tanggungjawab apa, tatau) telepon lah Si Debab tu last Thursday.

While you all might wonder why setelah habis kahak ku mengutuk dia, apahal lak ni gi call lagi si orang itu. Bermuka tak malu or cakap tak serupa bikin aku ni? To cut the story short (mmg story nya short pun) after dah ku maki-maki sambil keluar F F F tu, si Debab agaknya demam terkejut barang sehari dua. Lepas tu, bagaikan biawak yang berkulit tebal, dia telepon balik to say sorry.Katanya, dia amat paham kenapa I jadi mental macam tu.Pastu dia ala-ala lelaki macho Malaya nya cakaplah, kalau you dah taknak dengar from I lagi pun I paham...tak salahkan you. Tak cair ice cream kau dengar?

Macam nilah...most pompuan will say, jantan memang pandai meng transform dirinya jadik lengkong. If they want something back so badly, suruh jilat pasir pun sanggup.Masa tu lah dia akan mengaku dirinya bodoh, bangang and anything yang sewaktu dengannya.The moment they enter the dungeon of vulnerability, you get to hear all sort of remorse.Bak kata Madonna...heard it all before...heard it all before....

Pakcik ni tak nak kehilangan kawan katanya, so sempena nak Xmas ni (jahanam kan Melayu tu, sempena Xmas kata nya) he reckoned that he should stop being childish and behave like a proper man.Whatever that mean... by the way, does 'Proper Man' exist?

Masa Pakcik telepon tu, I seperti biasa macam sabun bertenaga 2 dalam satu as in sambil buat kerja and bertelepon, hanya ahah, ahah, ahah aje...takdelah nak ambik serious sangat.And because of my brain ni speed nya ala-ala Celeron Processor, 24 hours after that kata-katanya masuk betul2 dalam kepala hotak I. I thought that he is being sweet and sensible walaupun dalam hati I macam was-was, biasalah dengan jantan ni kan selalunya ada babi disebalik kueh tiaw? As I was leaving Basingstoke for Southampton on Friday, and memandangkan Basingstoke itu macam dekat aje dengan Reading, I thought maybe I give him a quick call, see if we can meet up. I was thinking that it was so rude of me being a melayu to menyumpah seranah dia that day. Although I tak nyesal pun sumpah dia, but I should have chose my words carefully, F F ni macam omputih berahak sangat kan?

It was Friday lunch time and Pakcik dengan senang hatinya happy to meet (and missed out on his semayang Jumaat pun..hamboi jantan...mana rationale nya?) And there we were at Reading Station, minum kopi and makan chocolate cake. Like any other pompuan tak sedar diri, I felt triumph...pasalnya I got to do things the way I want it and when I want it. See, I called him...he came. I told him when and where, he readily agreed. No negotiation take place. Bertambah tembamlah kepala ku dek bongkak nya.

But I must say that although you may read this with a tinge of feeling bongkak ness, this is how it is with me. I have to be in control and yes, the situation made me be in control. In my past life (we are talking 10 years ago here tau?) puas aku diperkotak katik (apakah makna ini, Kiah?) oleh Siamang...I can see myself having and wanting to please him, macam hamba lampu ajaib gitu. In my case, tak pulak aku ni digosok-gosok.Sendiri volunteer nak jadik hamba kan, Kiah?

I started to see Debab in a new light now. At times he tried swerving back into his habit of nak manja-manja ala-ala anak gajah but I am now capable to just give him a telepathic hint suruh 'Eh sudah..sudah..sebelum aku sepak kau'. I cannot handle mushy peas anymore (tapi I sokaa mushy peas dengan Fish & Chips, camno?)

But then...(the typical bit) you do know what people say about a person with tough exterior...that they are actually jelly. I will tell you about Sam's email on my next post.

Monday Thoughts

Dalam pada I busy-busy travelling, sempat juga...

a) Telepon si Pakcik Debab itu and ajak jumpa
b) Membalas email si Siamang

Tapi yang tak bagusnya....since I balik ke UK, I masih belum lagi telepon my mother. Apa nak jadi dengan aku ni? Selepas puas dileter oleh F, I pun telepon lah but only managed to chat dengan my niece yang masih sempat (tah siapalah yang mengajor gamaknya!!!) mintak 'Mak Ngah...adik nak kismes pezen'. Hamboiiii....

Why didn't I call my family? Ermmm...if I say, I tak biasa and tak pandai, will that make sense? After all, what is so difficult? I don't even know how to explain but that is the way it is. Read the fact, I am 5 year old girl, with a brother and 2 sisters. I remember being a very quiet girl. I remember that when I got up every morning, I was bathed and dressed by the maid and was driven to school by father. The moment he ignite the engine, he will start talking to me until he reached the school. He stop the engine and he will start coaxing into walking out of the car.

When I was little, I whisper to my brother's ear to be heard. I don't have friends. I followed my brother around. His gang will made me their goalkeeper when they play footie. My 2 sisters only play with each other and when another baby arrives, he become their gang rather than mine. Slowly my brother starts to go and play without me. I was left by myself and father soon take me along with him when he goes out to play badminton and squash. Where was my mother? Well, she is around, but she is very busy. She smiles at me a lot. That is probably her way of saying thank you for not making a fuss. I become used to not communicating with her.

When I was sent to boarding school, it soon become obvious that I have to learn to look after myself. I did very well and I have been looking after myself since. Father and mother will provide me with I want, which is very little. I remember my mother was the nicer one. I will always remember her kindness and because of that, now, I gave her what she wants, which is always nothing.

My therapist asked of me today 'why are you finding it hard to talk to your mother?' Frankly, he have asked me lots of time and I never knew the answer. My respond was always 'difficult'. Today I blurted out 'I think I am shy'. Why? Maybe because we never bond and I spent years misjudging her and for that I feel very guilty.

Since the last 2 years, I have started to be more tactile with her. When she dropped me off at the train station recently, she said that she love me and will always pray for me. I can't get out of her car fast enough. When she's gone from my sight, I just welled up with tears. When I was growing up, I heard that a lot from my father. I'm sure my mother have said it too, but for some reason, it was too vague to remember when.I know I should have said 'I Love you' back...but I didn't. Setan kan?

I remember saying this more than one time. My mother is still around. I care a lot about her and for sure, love her more than anything but I'm still trying to make sense of my hesitation to portray the affection.

Manusia jenis apa kah aku ni?

Just About To...

There is this guy (an actor) in Eastenders (the BBC soap) called Mohammad George. He sapu sampah in that story. He also write stupid poems and wooing wrong women who never fancy him back. In real life, he is just like a man his age with plenty money and popularity. He was captured in one of the local tabloids recently for punching his pregnant girlfriend while highly intoxicated with alcohol. I know for a fact that he is not a Muslim however was named after the famous boxer. Luckily, tak pulak Pak-Pak Haji kat East London nun yang nak bunuh bapak dia for naming him 'Mohammad'.

A British citizen in Sudan recently become the news headlines. Si pompuan tua yang baik hati ni, dah dekat nak pencen pun tapi bersemangat lagi nak gi mengajar bebudak kat Sudan tu cakap orangputih. Makcik ni ada teddy bear and she asked the pupils in her class to name the soft toy. Sorang budak ni cakaplah...Miss, bagilah nama 'Muhammad' sama macam nama saya, Miss. So, satu kelas pun agree lah nak bagi nama Teddy Bear ni 'Muhammad'.

The next, the government of Sudan nak hukum rotan pompuan ni pasal kununnya dia dah menghina Nabi Muhammad, pasal bagi nama patung Teddy Bear tu 'Muhammad'. She was found guilty in court and was sentenced to 15 days inprisonment.

Muhammad, I was told by my father that in bahasa arab, it means 'Yang Terpuji'. Macam dia lah...I think my father is so selfish that he refused to name my 3 brothers 'Muhammad' so that he can have that name to himself. Hahaha..tak kelakar.But after all, Muhammad is a name and our Prophet is named the same by his father, Abdullah.

I can understand if this cikgu deliberately announce kat depan-depan budak-budak Muslim tu, hey you, this Teddy Bear is your Prophet Muhammad. If this must be mistake then the poor teacher should be given some allowances for her 'ignorance' otherwise the Sudanese is over sensitive.

If people are set you to humilliate you, disrespecting your religion or by any mean and carry out threat against yourself, your family and your nation...yes, we must form our stance.I cannot see any evident on that. Not here. What is obvious, after the Muslim attack aginst the kaffir since 9/11 and 7/7, the life of other Muslims was made difficult by these so called 'chosen' Muslim.

The UK was first to help the nation of Darfur when the tragedy strikes. In return, Sudanese wage war against the poor unsuspecting teacher. The 7/7 suicide bomber's family came to UK to seek refuge from their fellow Muslims in Afghanistan. After been given British education, benefit money, free medications and houses, the 4 ungrateful Muslim decided that it is time to strapped themselves with explosives and killed the helpless kaffir.Are they happy now?

What is the aim? A worldwide Muslim nation? In what way are we Muslim threatened? Subconsciously or just terrible paranoia?

Well, I just hate the drama of all this. I just hate the look given by the immigration control when I have to tell them what 'MOHD' stand for. If its not because of other paranoid Muslim, I would have travel happy.

But, before I forget I must submit this. It is a real pleasure to announce, hence to wish 'Happy 35th Birthday' to my dear mate, Kiah Kidman. (Eh..Kiah, aku masih 34, boleh?)

I have been travelling since Tuesday. One day I'm in London and next, I'm at Basingstoke lah, Bournemouth lah and last night, Southampton. The hotel that the company put me in is so kokak that they don't have Wifi access and I have to use the offices I visit internet connection. Most days I only managed to email my boss to update her of my findings (did I tell you why was I sent away?) and bila orang tak nampak, I sneaked into Blogger and check my account. Ternampak jugaklah message-message ngeri orang itu...yang membalas dendam mintak blog di hapdate. Ye lah, update lah ni...

I closed few cases and for now, taking a break from the 'heavy' stuff. Mana yang teruk-teruk telah di refer terus ke psychiatrict unit. There is a time where we have to say, enough with words, you just need a drug to feel better. So off you go. Makan lah ubat and duduk lah diam-diam. I told my boss that I now need to finish off my yearly paperwork and focussing on my unit administration.I haven't done supervision in months and I know that some appraisals is due. Miss Nigeria keep asking me about staff Xmas dinner yang misti di organise sebelum 25th. Last year I took them to Awana in Kensington (ehemmm...my colleagues suka Malay food tau..) and we later ber dancingan kat Boujis (apasal aku tak terserempak dgn Prince William hah?) A year before that, I took them to Melati in Soho and ber clubbing macam nak rak kat Zoo Bar. I told Miss Nigeria, jangan selalu sangat pilih Malaysian Food nanti big boss ingat I yang influenced the decision tapi disebabkan memasing dah diajar minum Teh Tarik oleh ketua nya, dah lah semua pakat nak gi Malaysian Restaurant aje.Macam mana ni?

I was asked to do site inspection at few units. Boss cakap, unit yang ni ada problem macam ni, unit yang tu pulak problem macam ni, so Esah, you pergilah siasat, pastu report kat I apa you observed.I asked Boss, why me? Boss cakap, why not? I selalu cakap dengan my boss yang I ni kenkadang macam takut-takut nak pergi jadi penyiasat ni.

But hey, I am now back in London. I took my own sweet time to update this blog Kiah, pasal nya, aku mau nonton 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' plus, aku perlu berjuang habis-habisan untuk menonggok dalam website Ticketmaster untuk mendapatkan seat concert Spice Girl on 9th January 2008.

So Kiah, as much as I am eager to please, I'm afraid, Mel C have to come first. Rest assured that your birthday present is now on its way kepangkuan perut boyot mu.

Quick One

Maria Mariammah...Kisah Percintaan Terlarang Dalam Picadilly Line

Eh you all, ni Makji nak bagitau, this week, susah la sikit Makji nak mengumpat/mengutuk orang dalam blog ni...pasalnya I dah dikerah bekerja dibeberapa lokasi yang dalam peta, kununnya within London, tapi bila nak travel, macam nak meninggal tau jauhnya. But like I said, nak melawan boss kang, susah pulak hidupku nanti...

But I will update Kiah, once I am comfortably seated or berbaring-baringan once I reached home.But I thought, before I dissapear under this thin and cold air, above ialah hasil snappy happy dalam tube, on my way back from Emirates (tengok Arsenal vs Wigan) to Hatton Cross last Saturday.

Eeesh...benci...benci nya. Teringat kisah-kisah budak-budak melayu yang suka berdating dalam gelap, bawah pokok kat USJ Court 7 tu and mat-mat rempit yang suka bawak awek masing-masing berdating bawah jambatan kat Megamall tu. Kalau I lalu bila balik dari beli burger tu, terdengarlah masing-masing buat bubbly noise gitu (ala-ala bercomolot lah kan? ) That that Mat Rempits and their unsuspecting awek, bila kereta lalu, mulalah buat aksi-aksi lepas tangan, macam la akak tak tau apa yang you all baru buat kan? Macam tu lah jugak nasib Maria Mariammah kat sini...nak dating depan-depan mata (open air spaces lah) kang di rotan dek appa, or tak mengaku anak oleh amma....habislah arranged marriage.So kalau nak ringan-ringan, terpaksalah beromen dalam keretapi ala-ala Kuch Kuch Hota Hei githoo...macam-macam adegan si dua ekor ni...french kiss la (nampak sangat tak retinya sampai meleleh air liur githooo...eh, cemanalah I boleh nampak? Hapa tak nampaknya..dah berkilat-kilat keluar from their mouth) raba-raba la...ceh, poddah!!! Nak mengelak appa amma punya pasal, aku yang jadik bertambah dosa kan?

Lain kali gi la belajar dengan budak TKC tu...amma kadawale.

Bye you all.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin - 4

This Guy Mula-Mula Berdiri Betul-Betul Depan I..From Vauxhall to Oxford Circus...Pakcik Ni Pakai Trackbottom, Maka Oblong Ballnya Tersembul Sepanjang Masa...Until Sorang Pompuan Celaka Turun Kat OC, So, Mamat Ni Dapat Lah Tempat Duduk...Aish...Tak Dapat Lah Aku Nak Menjamu Mata...Ohh, Abang..Carik Apa Dalam Poket Tu? Sekuntum Bunga Cina ke?

I can't do a 'Mamamia' review since I didn't get to see any West End musical show last night. Hanya orang gila aje yang ada nafsu nak travel ke Central London yesterday. I was not up to it at all giving the traffic reports and my unwell self. Hidung pun tersosek-sosek...dengan tekak yang mengembang cam puaka. I opted to stay at work working on my new 'Understanding Schizophrenia' project. Haiyoh!!!

Me and my boss have a chat and she thought, giving my suam-suam kuku knowledge, I should now specialise in this. I have been working with the Autistic Spectrum group long enough, plus the PS family had asked for me to be their appointed person of contact. Masalah nya, tahukah mereka tu yang aku ni sebenarnya tak gemar dengan they all tu? Ni bukan kes tak gemar sikit-sikit ni, to the extent sampai I boleh nak resign...

While I have spent a good 45 minutes telling her my reason (or shall I say, talking myself out of that responsibility) she seems convinced that I should give it a try. Bosses will pay for the extra teraphy and all I do is to work on the relapse prevention plan. (ishh..kalau offer naik gaji, maka bernafsu lah sikit I kan?)

Maka hari ni, sorry to dissapoint you, I need to take the burden out of my head. I am the less fortunate people in this world who kena jugak ikut cakap boss walaupun hati nak pecah demi menjaga kebajikan diri sendiri.It is not about people anymore...the job wants it. I remember my friend who had to take case of some greasy penyamun and represent him. When the job requires you to be client centred, ni lah padah nya.

While 3 million Malaysia are now 'pesakit mental'....ooops! I have to disagree with that report. I am not sure if a psychistrist would agree, it is politically incorrect and almost discriminating.Berapa juta rakyat Malaysia? (Matilahhh..tak tau pengetahuan am) and why are they closing in to this 3 millions individuals? In what way, or what gives the Department Of Health the right to signed them off as pesakit mental? Or, are they just the poor 3 millions who has been diagnosed with rare chemical imbalance in their body hence incapacitating their brain?

Any one of us can be affected by mental exhaustion. We can have a moment of madness that after a while, we realised that it was mad.Are we that 'pesakit mental'? Hope not. My younger brother, judging from what he do for fun might be classified as one. I called him that...geram punya pasal.But your brain can tell you something others not necessarily agree and it takes your emotion to tell your brain otherwise.

Jantan Tembam that day, macam tak letih-letih bagitahu I yang he feel so lonely. Aren't we all sometimes? We can be lonely in a partnership as well when literally we are not.I have been trying, as a friend ye, bukan as a Social Worker, to tell him that. But adakah dia nak dengar? Nope, he listened to his brain yang penuh taik and any other chemical yang terlepas naik ke kepala sebab tak leh keluar kat tempat lain..(waaa, chemical apakah itu?) What happened after that? My brain is telling me that I am tired of talking the same old nasihat to him while my emotion still feel that he needed help to overcome his grief. But in the end, my brain and my emotion see eye to eye and that later become volcanic eruption yang berbunyi..Ohh...you're making me ill listening to you on and on about your so called sad life, just fuck off..just fuck off !!!

Sakit mental sekejap I that day...I was angry.I really thought, that is it. Habislah persahabatan ku dengan mu (not that kita kawan rapat kat sekolah pun) I was always taught by my peers, better be careful what you say to a man, they all ni simpan dalam (ey, apa yang simpan dalam ye? Yang panjang itu ke?) and then, habislah dibunuhnya kau nanti..., well, it is not my fault that they want to 'simpan dalam' kan? And what happen to the freedom of speech? Kalau jantan tu dah nak merasa sangat sangat kena maki, tak ke harus di maki habis-habisan gitu? Well, peers, thanks for your nasihat lah, but I think...in life we just have got to take the risk. I don't think we set out to upset people kan? See lah how people take it. You just have to say out what's upsetting you, walaupun dalam blog...

I never think about JT after that, menyesal sebab maki dia pun tidak. I take full responsibility atas perbuatan ku yang takde sungguh nilai ketimuran itu.I'm just done with empathy with him...he is hardly a chronic case that you really should tread carefully bila bukak mulut.But I know myself and I know that I have a clear conscience when I do something but my mannerism always influenced my emotion.

Speaking about pesakit mental, our partner can be one.Tinggal accute or tak accute aje. We have our moment of mental incapacity,unlike the affected one, we just blessed that we have perfect chemical in our body.Malaysia shouldn't worry about the 3 millions pesakit mental, by this I think they mean the one in their asylum. Usually, people who their brain badly affected by this imbalanced chemical is so harmless, emotionally.We just have to know the way to get through to them.

JT called yesterday and apologised. Well, it works in the end. He just need my cursing to get through to his thick scalp.He is heavy, he is my school mate.And he don't care...(apa ni, mic mix lagu Hollies & Beatles lak ni)

Intermission

The first song on my Imeem list ni ditujukan untuk orang ittew, yang akan melanchong ke Holland. Walaupun katanya lawatan itu hanyalah lawatan muhibbah, marilah kita sama-sama mengucapkan selamat berjoli katak dan menangkap ikan di Amsterdam Red Light ittew.

Sekian.

P/s Lagu ini juga adalah lagu feverett Makji Eton, yang kununnya nak buat lawatan sambil belajar ke Edinburgh ittew...entah-entah (matilah speku) dia pun akan landing di Schipol International ...

(kejap lagi I hapdate ye, Kiah...aku tengah mendidik anak bangsa schizoprenia ni)

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin - 3

He loves politics. Hate responsibilities. I read about someone somewhere in the blogsphere.This guy used to be the number 2 and then defeated, however still actively working with the United Nation after that.Now ni dia dah pencen. He sounded so much like me.

Yupp, I love politics.I read politics. I even studied Politics in Sheffield. Harus kan, Aizee...nak jadi lawyer, failed miserably pastu macam pandai ambil double major lak kan? Really tak masuk akal...but that is what I did. Once upon a time ago, I even sneaky read my father's political newspaper. He caught me once and he asked me what I think. I was only 17 and blatantly told him that they were all talking shit from their arse. It is all about power and control and their own agenda. People who talk louder than they should get to be selected and in the end, with the majority votes, fullfill their wishes. Semua orang pun salah.

PAS people used to distribute the cassette of the leader syarahan's and it was played with full blast volume in this very small mesjid in Batu 4, Port Dickson. I was taught mengaji at the same mesjid (or surau) I was only young but enough to understand when inappropriate words were used. In the mesjid, the supposedly 'Rumah Allah'. The UMNO is never better,organised syarahan with free drinks and kuih, janji manis muuuuuuu aje. Ohh..kita akan dapat jalan baru, jembatan baru..but what the voters are likely to see is that the tukang syarah will then tayang his bini baru.Some has been singer, actress what have you.

I have been reading some political blogs. It is amazing to know how each individual feel about things.What they do know amazes me. One claimed to know rahsia kerajaan but claimed that he is keeping it quiet until the big day. Rahsia apa benda nya, tatau lah. One even know about that Mongolian woman...orang dah mati, kalau tahu, ada bukti, buat apa tunggu election kan? And this came from people who kunun nya, tahu undang-undang.

My question is do we really buy all that? I shall hope not. Kerajaan and the opposition are people like us. They breathe, they berak and they sleep. The also made mistake and they are also can become the victim of greediness.

Politician, be it Umno ke or Parti Pokok Pisang, are the one with houses at the hill top. They hardly drive proton saga. They holiday in Europe and they have houses in Kensington. People like my parents, my bother and sisters are still the person who struggles daily. I was wondering that maybe they should be politician too. But there you go, living under plenty expectations. Nak misbehave pun tak boleh.

I watched the house of common debates regularly and see how the MP's was attacked with onsloughts of queries. On everything. Nobody have to resort to doing what the Malaysian have to do recently. Not many people are happy with the government but no one have ever feel so repressed in speaking their mind.

Maybe the government or the oppositions should stop doing what they do now...talking rubbish. And let the people think and be. We don't need Rais Yatim to tell us that we can't watch Beyonce and PCD in concert just because they refused to dress the way his wife did. Well, our young girls is hardly going to copy everything what they see isn't it? My sister told me that she never heard of Will Young but Gareth Gates did came to Malaysia for a concert. I told her maybe that is because Will Young is gay and gay musician can spread his gayness somewhere else but not in front of the Malay boys. Well, it's too late for that isn't it? MCKK boys beat them to it (larikkkkkkkk)

P/s Makji Esah masih demam dan memakan gaji buta kat tempat kerja.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin - 2

Since last week, the weather is like Haagen Daaz baru keluar freezer gitu. Apahal kan? Baru autumn. I went to work, still in my autumn jacket, hoodie sweater, baju pergi kerja and beneath, singlet apek. Punyalah tak nak mati beku. But that left my hands and head freezing.Nak pakai gloves dengan beenie hat kang dikata sasau lak..pehal kau dressing maut, belum winter ni?

I'm not feeling well at all this past couple of days, and just like any other normal people (yang tak memakan anti depressant cam saya ni) I would like to have a day off, nak tido,tido and makan sepuasnya (pastu jadi debab..lagi depress kan?)

One of the side effect from the pill is constipation (yang ni, tak yah makan happy pill pun, aku mmg nya susah nak berak) So, apart from makan AD yang di prescribed oleh doctor, I juga gigih memakan AD yang di prescribed oleh diri sendiri. Tapikan, Makji Eton, dua bijik sehari pun tak jalan-jalan senokot tu. Ni dah tak berak since Friday. Disorientated sungguh kepala hotak ni.

Well, have to go sit in the toilet now...manalah tahu ada hasil. Bila dah demam-demam ni, mulalah ingat kat Popia Basah, Sambal Udang, Nasik Lemak bawah pokok...karipaaaaaap!!!!! Adudui...seksanya.

Sementelah dah update ni, nak jugak bertanya kat orang yang selalu tido kat office tu, dia tak reti-reti ke nak update blognya? Kau ingat ko sorang aje ke yang membawak budak? Cuba-cubalah mengaktifkan diri tu. You know, orang kata, budak dalam perut selalu akan copy perangai mak dia.So kalau mak dia pemalas mandi, tidooooo aje cam Pak Lah or suka bossing the laki about, habislah buruk akhlak anak kau nanti...but, andai kata kalau kau mahu membenci, bencilah aku ye, nanti anak kau lawa cam aku.

Bye for now.

Platinum Blonde Siamang

I have a feeling that species siamang dinegara kita amat mudah dijangkiti penyakit amnesia. Well, people in a healthcare profession macam I ni, walaupun tak nak percaya bahawa penyakit-penyakit sebagini ujud, kita perlu memandang berat kepada sipembawa virus itu. People in my department selalunya akan disambut dengan report-report yang menyayat hati when we walked into office early morning. Si anu kata ada dia dengar voices yang camni, camni la, yang si anu lain pulak kata dia rasa kepala hotak dia dah terbalik la...macam-macam. We have got to keep an open mind about it. We rationalised things that seems irrational.

Siamang pada am nya, tah ye tah tidak...adalah sangat lemah antibodi nya. Most probably, energy yang ada dalam badan tu telah digunakan untuk menipu pompuan-pompuan suchee cam I ni (or macam Kiah?) or sesapa lagi yang pernah berpakwe-pakwe an dengan jantan yang pada awalnya, berjanji macam politician M.I.C (k.e.y.m.o.u.s.e.) and pastu bila dia rasa-rasa dirinya dah fed up, they will then become so deflated with thoughts, and later diserang amnesia and mulalah lupa kat kita ni.

I think my tablets helpes to relax my muscle (well, by saying this, I'm not prescribed with Diazepam or anything pam-pam okay?) I'm less self-critical.I've not seen F since we last parted on Tuesday. Ada jugak orang tu cuba hantar text, tell me not to be sad...but I think I'm done being sugar-talked.I meant what I said, I want to be alone.

I had anticipated my Siamang will berpusu-pusu membalas email yang kukarang untuknya semalam. Yes, he did. By the look of it, he replied almost immediately, you know laa..those people with incoming email beep.

Like usual, he will always talked himself out of it, how situation made him do stuff (oii..pakcik, bukan ke alasan tu Encik dah pernah pakai masa Encik bagi saya kad jemputan kawin Encik...Encik lupa ka?) Is there anyway to tell a man that you can't just get away dumping woman like that, and make it sounds like you have made a good decision for doing it, for the sake of both of us. Us? Kepala hotak lu!!! Plus...never dumped your ex tunang dalam kereta okay? Kalau nak break pun, gi la belanja KFC ke, nasik ayam ke dulu, pastu baru la cakap..eh, kita tak compatible ke hapa. We women always mengenang budi tau, sebab kalau perut dah kenyang so perasaan nak gi kapak kepala orang yang tukang cakap tu pun dah kurang. Men can always get away with dumping women right after a slap up meal and a shopping trip. We need a good news la...before giving us the chop. At least bila terkenang-kenang balik, boleh lah cakap..takpelah..dah takde jodoh..nasib baik dia belikan I handbag baru. Merasa aku dapat handbag LV ke...Chanel ka...Chelacca ke...

My siamang never changed. Although I might want to have sympathy over his predicament, I believe that he is sane/responsible enough to make that choice.What he must learn that when we make a choice, there is no guarantee that we are going to make a good one and there is always a risk. I believe him when he said that his feelings never change towards me.But...he already made his choice and pompuan bongkak like me, can't never comprehend being a second choice.Especially in my life, aku dah banyak kali jadi second choice...maklum lah, kan ke I ni anak nomor dua?

What irritates the hell out of me, is his selective amnesia.Betul takde psychology mamat ni. Do you know that, at any cost, we must not neglect people's past? Kalau you ada makwe or pakwe yang teruk kena abuse masa kecik, this is something that you have got to bear in mind and make you extra careful to deal with their emotions. We never know if people can ever recover from broken heart. It come and goes tau? He must know that I was an emotional wreck when we broke up (we, non!! he did) You remember that song...tersekat nafasku, kabur pandangan mata ku...amat terseksa diriku kerna kehilangan mu...that's how it feels. And trying to march back into your life and neglecting the fact that I was feeling 'Sudirman'...because of him and without even trying to understand, really, really upsets me.

I don't even want to be his friend. (Ehhh..cakap dalam hati aje...tapi bawah masih gatal kan Kiah?, Yang gatal gi hantar email tu bakpo? Sendiri jugak yang merana) But look at the brighter side, it's true that leopard will never change its spot...and Siamang, tetap tidak akan berbulu platinum blonde.

Happy weekend you all. Happy freezing wekend.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Jin (Bahagian Pertama)

KLCC Summit recently.Muka 3 ahli terpaksa ditutup kerana mereka mempunyai hutang kain lapuk yang mencecah jutaan ringgit.

Eyy, cam lahanat aje tajuknya kan? But, I remember seeing the siri bercakap dengan jin or iblis sometime ago. I think, if I remember clearly, the author is called Tamar Jalis. God knows how lah dia boleh bercakap dengan jin, let alone publishing the whole conversation with the jin. Well, today is my 2nd day medicated with that AP pill. One a day katanya. My dosage for that tablet is so low and the strength is only 10mg but looking at how panic and melodramatic I was pasal kena suruh makan that ubat mengalahkan Khairy Jamaluddin berkempen for that Ijok by election kan?

I have seen the effect of anti depressant on people.While I agree that some of them needed it ( by saying them, I might be one) I guess the whole part of denial is whether we are able to cope with the prejudice.I for one look at my current condition as a failure.Typical capricorn huh? I think I have to resign to the fact that although I think I known my own capabilities, I have no power over how my body will react. I want to do lots of things, want this and want that. Fine example, Raja Nazrin. Spent many years hoping that he will notice and pluck me out, apa hasilnya?

My headache has gone even before I telan that pil. Denial power sungguhlah perkasanya. I called my boss (bukan TDM ye, but different boss) to tell her about the pills. I remember telling her that I feel like shit.We talked about it, the positive thing about it. My body really needs a rest but my brain is directing otherwise and they just need to tell the brain to take it easy.

I slept well these 2 days. In fact, I wanted to sleep more but work is stopping me. The 'jin' side of me keep goading me to neglect the physical needs hence telling me that I got the power. I should have agreed to be signed off sick. I have embraced the ego so much that I can't bear people thinking that I'm going loopy and need to be put away. Setan speaking lah ni.

As a result of physical ability toppling the mind ability, I have done quite few things since Monday.

Jantan Tembam....as you know (based on what was told) a complete neorotic idiot. We spoke last week when I wasn't in the mood to argue and just let him go on and on ranting. I just played my active listening role before telling him that I will call him back. I did. The first time since relationship/friendship bersambung kembali ni, I actually called him back. And that was yesterday. There I was, rabbiting to him....through and through....and I bet he will now rest in peace, where ever he is. Nak dengar sangat kan? I think, that is the end of JT. Podahhhhh!!!!!!

Before leaving home yesterday, I told F that I need to spend sometime alone...(dah bergaduh malamnya tu) and that is what I did. Alone yesterday and today.

When I was in KL recently, I terjumpa my ex. Yes you all, my ex...yang kalau boleh nak aku axe kan kepalanya. Ni lah padahnya gi bersidai kat shopping complex dekat dengan office dia. I have managed to ignore all his emails but seeing him in flesh really membuatkan hidupku bergoncang-goncang.Not wanting to live with perasaan bergoncang-goncang for long, I emailed him yesterday.

I told him that I'm glad I was dumped.One person has to make that choice and it was him. He have to live with it. That reminds me of what we usually read or heard, that people breaking up on a mutual decision. Mana ada? There is no such thing as mutual decision, when people say that, they're just lying to make it sound nice.Men always come out with the idea. The ketidakadilan is always with men. If they are the one with the idea, they expect you to agree with them. I remember some girlfriends who tried to end it with their boys, 'Eh tak boleh lah, dia tak setuju'. Eh...apasal pulak?

My ex was my best friend before we decided to call ourselves each others lover. I always believe that sexual attraction will not last that long. To be apart from him is painful (hey..dah berapa kali dah cerita pasal ni hah?) I will always going to have this conflict with him. The love was there, it have finished long time ago but the hurt of being betrayed will stay.Longer than it should.He is a single man now...for the last 3 years.Even if I am going to be attracted to him once again, I will always going to remember his betrayal.

In one of his email (yang baru ku jawab semalam) he asked if I still love him. I said yes, because it is true.But honestly, apart from benefiting me in mengumpat about him in my blog, I can't see any future. He can stay where he had left us.And I just want to remember him as an ex (or axed?

Sekian.