About Me

Monday, December 03, 2007

Monday Thoughts

Dalam pada I busy-busy travelling, sempat juga...

a) Telepon si Pakcik Debab itu and ajak jumpa
b) Membalas email si Siamang

Tapi yang tak bagusnya....since I balik ke UK, I masih belum lagi telepon my mother. Apa nak jadi dengan aku ni? Selepas puas dileter oleh F, I pun telepon lah but only managed to chat dengan my niece yang masih sempat (tah siapalah yang mengajor gamaknya!!!) mintak 'Mak Ngah...adik nak kismes pezen'. Hamboiiii....

Why didn't I call my family? Ermmm...if I say, I tak biasa and tak pandai, will that make sense? After all, what is so difficult? I don't even know how to explain but that is the way it is. Read the fact, I am 5 year old girl, with a brother and 2 sisters. I remember being a very quiet girl. I remember that when I got up every morning, I was bathed and dressed by the maid and was driven to school by father. The moment he ignite the engine, he will start talking to me until he reached the school. He stop the engine and he will start coaxing into walking out of the car.

When I was little, I whisper to my brother's ear to be heard. I don't have friends. I followed my brother around. His gang will made me their goalkeeper when they play footie. My 2 sisters only play with each other and when another baby arrives, he become their gang rather than mine. Slowly my brother starts to go and play without me. I was left by myself and father soon take me along with him when he goes out to play badminton and squash. Where was my mother? Well, she is around, but she is very busy. She smiles at me a lot. That is probably her way of saying thank you for not making a fuss. I become used to not communicating with her.

When I was sent to boarding school, it soon become obvious that I have to learn to look after myself. I did very well and I have been looking after myself since. Father and mother will provide me with I want, which is very little. I remember my mother was the nicer one. I will always remember her kindness and because of that, now, I gave her what she wants, which is always nothing.

My therapist asked of me today 'why are you finding it hard to talk to your mother?' Frankly, he have asked me lots of time and I never knew the answer. My respond was always 'difficult'. Today I blurted out 'I think I am shy'. Why? Maybe because we never bond and I spent years misjudging her and for that I feel very guilty.

Since the last 2 years, I have started to be more tactile with her. When she dropped me off at the train station recently, she said that she love me and will always pray for me. I can't get out of her car fast enough. When she's gone from my sight, I just welled up with tears. When I was growing up, I heard that a lot from my father. I'm sure my mother have said it too, but for some reason, it was too vague to remember when.I know I should have said 'I Love you' back...but I didn't. Setan kan?

I remember saying this more than one time. My mother is still around. I care a lot about her and for sure, love her more than anything but I'm still trying to make sense of my hesitation to portray the affection.

Manusia jenis apa kah aku ni?


Goddess Selene said...

Makji, bila mak dok baca entry inniew. terkenang puila kat my dad. Although, we started to be civil to each other but I never potray my affection to him. Though I know deep in me that I love him so much & wish that our situation were different. Dalam hati mak slalu takot tak sempat nak bgtaw kat dia how much I actually love and care to him. But how I still do not know... I jadi malu bila nak cakap ape2 yg melibatkan kasih sayang... :(

Last time when they sent me to KL central, I was crying on my way to the airport. Sedih sgt taw...

Rockafella Gurl said...

urmmm.. it's actually ko dh get use to it (i mean dr kecik) dh pyh nk chatting wif ur mom kot.. dat's why mulut hang kaku nk berkata2 skrg..

for me kan Esah, cukup la ko mendoakan dia sentiasa, if ko susah benar nk brckp, dat's the most sincere thing yg ko leh buat for her. Kasih Ibu tu sentiasa buat utk anak2 nok.. Amin!

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Sedih kan makji..org lain nenangis beramai-ramai kat airport..I pulak nangis tepi tingkap kat dlm ktm komuter tu...isk..isk..

Tu lah Yanz...aminnnnn (weh, tersedak org ittew!!!)

Lee Novotny said...

While she's still alive kan uols..masa masa ni lah nak berbakti bagai..walaupun jauh, at least the thing we could do are doakan kesejahteraan mereka and telefon/ tulis surat..kan uols???

Makji, makji, nak kismes pezen...hehehheheheh :P

p/s dimanakah alamat rumah mieww and MB's????

Typhoon Sue said...

ala... syiannya makji...nangis sorang2..

i pun have a difficult relationship with my mom. arguments and silent treatments are not uncommon between us, but at the end of the day, she is still my mum and despite her condescension and prejudices, she does love me dearly and so, i too, love her so very much.

ala, call le your mom, tak pun hantar aja kad cantik2 just to say hi and let her know u're ok. mesti dia suka dan tunjuk kad tu kat sumer org.

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Alamak Hjh Leemah...akak lupaa...hari ni nanti akak antar text ye? Uols nak hadiah apa? Voucher boleh tak...? I sungguh lah tak reti beli present ni..

Sue..good idea la.Apa kata, aku bagi mak aku Xmas card, gambar Virgin Mary sembahyang...habis terkujat mak aku...'eh..anak ku dah jadik kapirrr'..pastu tunjuk kat org kampung kan?

Manal said...

Makji, idea Sue agak laa wajar dipertimbangkan....(still laughing at that virgin mary card). Kasi yang ade muzik2 itewwww...pastu tarok la 1 or more pictures of u in msia ke kan...and sign it as: dari anakmu yang ala2 pemalu, Esah.

Haroossss laaa ur mum buat solat shukor 3 hari 3 malam!

Come to think of it, adakah kita nih eccentric, makji?

elviza said...

I wanted to leave a comment on this posting when you first put it up but then si kecik teror-in-disguise tuh sepak2 akak punya laptop, shessshhhh!!! Dia ingat lima sen ke laptop nih????

On a more serious note Mak Aji Esah, personally, I think, relationships between mother and daughter is a darn complicated one. But just do it lah, tell her you love her.

You feel better and she will, definitely feel like heaven. I am a mother now, hence I know so. Take care friend...

Anonymous said...

Hi Esah...i terharu le baca blog you pasal 'kasih tak terucap' you to your mum...well, i baru je balik dr malaya sebabnya mak i baru je meninggal 1 dec 1007 lepas, dua hari sebelum dia masuk hospital tu dia telefon i kata dia rindu kat i tapi mulut i ni tak terkeluar pulak kata i pun sebenarnya rindu kat dia, rasa sedih dan menyesal pun iye jugak..oleh itu, selagi you ada peluang ni let your mom know that you love her so much..biar dia tahu walaupun sekali dlm seumur hidup you je you berani cakap macam tu dgn dia :)

love and peace