About Me

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Sometimes, it feels as if there is someone standing in your way at every turn.Is it just you? Maybe. May well be.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but many of us self-sabotage from time to time.Like moir, dah elok-elok happy (happy ke aku?) gatal,gatal,gatal gi melayan jantan nan sorang itu. Apa dah jadi sekarang?

I can't stop thinking about Sam.Siamang...eh..Sam.Nope, Siamang. I was fine (or maybe not..but manageable) since aku ditipunya untuk kali kedua 10 years ago.Hati patah...but you know, you just got to live with it.I was practically crying for 5 years (takdelah hari-hari..kalau tak buta dah) and I started to come out from my shell (shocked!) after that.

Si Mangkuk hayun itu macam mintak dikasihani ala-ala kucing lapar, and aku macam tak sabar-sabar nak menjadi tangan yang memberi. On my way back to opis today from Lowestoft, and thinking about him...I feel so disgusted with myself. Apa tak nya, dah puas ku kutuk dia dalam ini blog, dah puas ku memotivasi diri supaya jangan mengenang barang yang lepas and after been telling myself (and you) yang aku kenkonon nya dah moved on, tetiba pulak..hari ni, semalam and 2 hari lepas, I am feeling what I feel many many years ago when I was with him.

Although I macam bongkak gila cakap dengan you all yang I tak kan lah akan telepon dia, I can swear that tadi, masa meeting, hati and tangan macam digaru-garu je nak telepon jantan itu. Tapi, demi mempertahankan maruah ku (I really don't know what I mean by this) I didn't and the practical me (more like the kedekut nak mampus me) was thinking...janganlah sesekali kau menghabiskan duit bertelepon dengan jantan yang takde hasil tu.

See, is it true that our inner saboteur is activated when we feel strong emotions? If someone expects rejections and instead experiences joy and happiness, it conflicts with their repressed expectation, so becoming a saboteur is a way of dealing with that, and creating outcome that doesn't conflict with their beliefs. In other words, if we have a deep-seated negative believe that conflicts with positive experience, we sabotage our happiness in order to prove that our belief is true.

Is it just a fear of change perhaps? Like, kalau dia itu hilang dari ingatan ku, maka adakah aku ni dikira tak cool gitu? Make sense kah? I am this woman who was dumped, cheated and forlorn. Unconsciously, maybe I love the attention of being the victim of that heartless keparat.And if I move on and happy again with another person, maka there will be no more poor putus chenta Makji Esah. Can it be just that? Ish..buruk benarkah perangai ku?

I keep telling my patient that life is about choice. You are in control. You're sad if you want to be sad, you're lonely because you like to be alone and inadvertantly isolating yourself but here I am, contradicting my own words and behaving like a 'celaka'!!!

(Ermm..I have been teaching MB2 Malay words...she complaint that MB1 only taught her P words and obscenities, maka I pun ajar lah dia, 'when you're angry, you can say 'kau celaka' ..because it mean 'damn you'. She said to me one day that MB didn't bother to shower and I asked her to try it in Bahasa. She went 'Debab tidak mandi empat hari..busuk babi'. Well done!!! Semalam MB1 told me that MB2 told her off and uttered 'Stop behaving like a celaka'. I thought that was funny)

I knew from the start that making contact again with Siamang is not a good idea, but I really can't help myself.I know there will be no future, because I don't want it anymore...but I just can't live to wonder what might happen if I don't follow my heart. I followed my heart (my karipap more like, by the sound of it) and see what it does to me?

Kan senang kalau dia mampos terus...tak yah nak ingat-ingat lagi....(hamboii mulut ku)

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

salam hjh esah,

maybe you should hold on to the memories jek kot, but to pursue the relationship, it would be a disaster kot....coz once "siamang" tu you yang punya, there's no sparks gitu coz he will take you for granted....biar laa dia merayu etc....then you have things to write for us ....u need that sort of excitements in ur life (me too!!)

plus, do u really want to spend ur whole life with someone who has broken ur trust??? i dare not...

take care
-ina

the ectopy said...

haha, biasalah...depan orang kita tipu nak tunjuk kita tough, tapi di sebalik perasaan itu, memang tempted je nak buat benda-benda bodoh.

hang in there!

(pernah in the same situation. menyesal lepas tu!)

Dina said...

makji...ada kalanya kenangan2 lalu mmg sukar nk kita lupakan esp bila melibatkan hati & perasaan nih.

jgnlah makji terus-terusan hating urself sbb masih teringat akan chenta lama...kenangan lama tu yg mewarnai hidup kita....

**cik sri siantan tak bertauliah...that's me ! :P

famil said...

you guys could be friend... hi hi..

then you'll get the closure you need and baru betul2 boleh move on...

cliche but seriously sometimes we thought we were already moving on, and suddenly something like this happen, luka lama berdarah kembali..

Cik Kiah Kidman said...

Tsk, tsk, tsk!
What can i say?
Karipap rules!

( But i truly identify with your dilemma..hati ni bagai ditarik2 nak take the risk kan? thinking that perhaps this time kalau outcomenya tak favourable sekali lagi perhaps one is tougher?)

Don't play with fire la

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Oh Ina..kenapa kau berkata-kata bagitu...mambuat hati ku tidak karuwan...waheiii!!!

hang in where, ectopy? my hopeless dream?

Thanks Dina...don't you wish sometimes that memory can be ctrl-alt-delete?

nak jadik kawan, Famil...dah jadi kawan la ni yang susah tu..

So, you suggest I play with what, Kiah?

captainlukman said...

makji ku sayang,
ntahlah apa yang uolls tulis tu sama je dgn apa yang ku rasa n berlaku.**padahal mak nya kes tahun lepas jek**.

tapikan mmg i pun sama, kalau boleh tak nak ni INGAT2 lagi ley, tapi time nak tidor je teringat dia**boleh time tidur je** or tangan ni gatal nak SMS padahal mamat tuh HARAM nak sms balik ke?

kesudahanaya , makji tulislah sebab sumer itu benar belaka ......makji sedihkan nasib kita....so layanlah lagu ulik mayang....eh mayang sari yang iolls email tuh, dapak dok?

yang benar sister my**sis kah??**

Manal said...

kerana kau....ku masih di sini....kerana kau...ku bisa menangis...dan kerana kau yang menghancorkan, ku tiada berteman, terkenang wajahmu...aku pilu....selangkah ku tersebut nama mu, tak terasa jiwa ku di palu, oleh rindu dan dendam padamu, dan ketika ini dan di saat ini di mana kah di kau....

More of this lyrics at:
http://www.liriklagu.com/liriklagu_ad/Alleycats_Kerana.html

U have loved him too much la makji...and i think it was the same case for him too except that him being siamang has let his lemang rules over him too many a time that only led him to more troubles....

Bless your heart for being so forgiving despite how hurtful it has been, broken and wasted. If only he sees u as the only woman in his heart but no, he had to screw things up and ended not able to let u go that easily. He's like that little wart that u cannot get rid of it no matter how much u hated it on ur skin. It becomes a part of u and u in turn have learnt to put up with it. An ugly side as it is, u came to term with having it stuck with u. It could be that u may have forgotten about it for a while but one look at it just made u realise that it's still there and memories can just come flooding back. Ala2 luka lama berdarah kembali.

There are people who remarries their ex after 10-20 years of divorce. But that too is another story. In your case, i suggest u look after your heart more as u deserve so much love from good people around u. Dont let urself be too vulnerable for him la. U can empathise with him but u should never pine for something that would only put u on a difficult situation.

Adakah ini ala2 lagu rihanna: I hate that i love u?

DBI said...

anak datok pergi berenang,
sebelum berenang terkinja kinja
tempat jatuh lagi dikenang
ini kang pula tempat bermanja..

cheers..

Aina said...

Makji Esah,
Memories is hard to delete. (I still cant delete my 1st love until now eventho i dah berbahagia dengan my habibi for 12 years).

Buttt... u must remember dear, dia tu siamang, siamang tetap laa siamang, tak mungkin jadi kucing. Siamang yang "alim alim kucing" ada mungkin laa kot.

p/s Eh yang kau tulis "macam kucing lapar" tu kenapa? kau memang nak buatkan aku ingat kat kucing aku yg kelaparan kat Doha laa. Harap2 bila aku balik nnt kucingku tak bertukar jadi siamang dek kerana lapar.

Lee Novotny said...

Hhahaha nok....memang celakan kan??? Cakap tak serupa bikin kah?? hiks...oh well, at least uols try to make other people's life not a misery anymore..you help them..guide them gittew kan???

Just like u help and guide MB2 untuk mengutuk, mencahrotz dan membabicelakakan MB1 dalam bahasa Melayu..well done!!!! :P

~ GAB ~ said...

I take it as a nice grumble and intelligent too. I enjoy reading it. Oh, hi, I bloghop from Manal's.

Hope you are doing fine over there. Have a good day.

l!z$$ @)--- said...

sama la kita ni makji d hantui oleh our 'axe' yg suka menghancurkan hati kita.up until this morning he still sent me sms saying he will wait 4 me 4 ever..cheh!konon..hatiku beku..(nyanyi ikut lagu hatiku beku)..d thing is kamek dah sik mahu nya lagik..tapi dia ngak ngerti..