Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Sometimes, it feels as if there is someone standing in your way at every turn.Is it just you? Maybe. May well be.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but many of us self-sabotage from time to time.Like moir, dah elok-elok happy (happy ke aku?) gatal,gatal,gatal gi melayan jantan nan sorang itu. Apa dah jadi sekarang?

I can't stop thinking about Sam.Siamang...eh..Sam.Nope, Siamang. I was fine (or maybe not..but manageable) since aku ditipunya untuk kali kedua 10 years ago.Hati patah...but you know, you just got to live with it.I was practically crying for 5 years (takdelah hari-hari..kalau tak buta dah) and I started to come out from my shell (shocked!) after that.

Si Mangkuk hayun itu macam mintak dikasihani ala-ala kucing lapar, and aku macam tak sabar-sabar nak menjadi tangan yang memberi. On my way back to opis today from Lowestoft, and thinking about him...I feel so disgusted with myself. Apa tak nya, dah puas ku kutuk dia dalam ini blog, dah puas ku memotivasi diri supaya jangan mengenang barang yang lepas and after been telling myself (and you) yang aku kenkonon nya dah moved on, tetiba pulak..hari ni, semalam and 2 hari lepas, I am feeling what I feel many many years ago when I was with him.

Although I macam bongkak gila cakap dengan you all yang I tak kan lah akan telepon dia, I can swear that tadi, masa meeting, hati and tangan macam digaru-garu je nak telepon jantan itu. Tapi, demi mempertahankan maruah ku (I really don't know what I mean by this) I didn't and the practical me (more like the kedekut nak mampus me) was thinking...janganlah sesekali kau menghabiskan duit bertelepon dengan jantan yang takde hasil tu.

See, is it true that our inner saboteur is activated when we feel strong emotions? If someone expects rejections and instead experiences joy and happiness, it conflicts with their repressed expectation, so becoming a saboteur is a way of dealing with that, and creating outcome that doesn't conflict with their beliefs. In other words, if we have a deep-seated negative believe that conflicts with positive experience, we sabotage our happiness in order to prove that our belief is true.

Is it just a fear of change perhaps? Like, kalau dia itu hilang dari ingatan ku, maka adakah aku ni dikira tak cool gitu? Make sense kah? I am this woman who was dumped, cheated and forlorn. Unconsciously, maybe I love the attention of being the victim of that heartless keparat.And if I move on and happy again with another person, maka there will be no more poor putus chenta Makji Esah. Can it be just that? Ish..buruk benarkah perangai ku?

I keep telling my patient that life is about choice. You are in control. You're sad if you want to be sad, you're lonely because you like to be alone and inadvertantly isolating yourself but here I am, contradicting my own words and behaving like a 'celaka'!!!

(Ermm..I have been teaching MB2 Malay words...she complaint that MB1 only taught her P words and obscenities, maka I pun ajar lah dia, 'when you're angry, you can say 'kau celaka' ..because it mean 'damn you'. She said to me one day that MB didn't bother to shower and I asked her to try it in Bahasa. She went 'Debab tidak mandi empat hari..busuk babi'. Well done!!! Semalam MB1 told me that MB2 told her off and uttered 'Stop behaving like a celaka'. I thought that was funny)

I knew from the start that making contact again with Siamang is not a good idea, but I really can't help myself.I know there will be no future, because I don't want it anymore...but I just can't live to wonder what might happen if I don't follow my heart. I followed my heart (my karipap more like, by the sound of it) and see what it does to me?

Kan senang kalau dia mampos terus...tak yah nak ingat-ingat lagi....(hamboii mulut ku)