Non Committal Entry

Dayang Nurfaizah Takde Kena Mengena Dengan Masalah I

When I was ill not too long ago, I seem to have more time watching telly.Every channel, every daytime and night time talk show.British talk day time talk show are quite usually not very brilliant compared to the one that earned the night airtime.But that doesn't stop me watching from opening to ending credit.

Honestly,I have never been that ill.Not been to able to stand,walk and work.That kind of ill.I walked around the house with jimjams dengan tak mandi.Preventing all the wet energy.Difficult enough to get rid of the trapped bit that was shrouding my pair of lungs.When I came to the office today,one of my colleagues said to me that I look different.I honestly don't know what she meant by it.I guess that is the agony of being a woman.We don't seem to able to take everything at the first face value.Always suspecting ada udang disebalik batu or expecting there is another meanings of everythings.When people compliment or comment about your present hair,you can't help to wonder, what is wrong with the previous hairstyle...buruk kah?

So when this Polish lady told me that I look different now, I wonder..apahal lah pulak...makin tembam ke aku dek tidur macam kobau? I was lucky that my in tray was too heavy to carry its own weight, all that need sorting out and by that, I have less time to pikir all the tak patut dipikir things.

I spent almost half a day doing prep talk to my clients.Addressing what went wrong, complaints and what nots, site inspection, catching up with emails etc.Cuba-cuba jugak nak baca blog kawan-kawan tapi apakan daya mata and kakitangan tak cukup.Rasa bersalah bila tak boleh nak layan masalah kawan-kawan...tapi, insya allah...bila workload dah surut 2,3 hari pasni, akan ku berikan perhatianku yang tak berbelah bahagi.

Last Friday, in last attempt to selesaikan my masalah rumahtangga,I travelled all the way up to North London nak melawat Frankie.Liza dok pokpek pokpek dengan I asking me not to ikut sangat my hati batu, jumpalah dia bincang cemana-cemana.Dalam sejuk-sejuk, harungi jugaklah.Nak harap dia datang Twickenham, takkan adalah.Bongkak gila.Lepas peristiwa Lou 'slow talk' dengan dia that day,Frankie dah tak nak consider langsung visit I.

Frankly, the main reason I pergi is to see how I feel about the whole thing.Dah dekat sebulan tak jumpa.Bergaduh on the phone selalu.Exchange of words,jangan cakaplah...Frankie is so lucky yang I ni bukannya suka sangat mencarut.Kalau tak, habis dah dia...I ni, habis-habis marah pun, will only cakap..Ahh..piss off will you..and then letak lah telephone dengan ganasnya.Tunjuk marahlah tu.Yang jahanam nya telephone rumah aku.Gaduh ni tak nya yang bawak untung.Hati sakit, telephone rosak...naik lagi bill.Nasib baik kat UK ni banyak convenient all landline call free,Mobile phone free minutes yang pakai tak habis tu...broadband bayak sekali (12.99 aje per month, 8mb lagi) lantaklah berinternet dengan sewenang-wenang nya.

What I did over the weekend is discuss,gaduh..discuss,gaduh.Nangis-nangis...and in the end,takde jalan penyelesaian pun.The only thing that I agreed on is to make time to visit Frankie during weekday...and spend the weekend together.Ni belum cakap lagi ada plan dengan Miss Germany dengan Heaven this Saturday.Siaplah kena karang auta malam besok.

I guess, put aside all the moan above,all I want to say really is that committing is not easy.Especially a non committal person like me.I never have to commit with anyone.Hatta dengan mak ayah sekalipun.I want to explore further about my reluctance, on why I'm finding this situation suffocating, as much as I want to love and be loved,having knowing people that is expecting so much from you is mind aching.

I hope to have more time in my hand.I shall speak again soon.