Gravely Depressed

Thanks to my retreat,I managed my shadowing duty quite well this morning. I choose to shadow rather than to treat as I just recovered from my own disturbance.It's such a short notice to turn into a new container,but given that I am salaried by a private sector who doesn't give a toss about 'emotional transition', tahan sajalah.

This is the same person that I'm watching tonight, as he expressed his suicidal thoughts in his session.Macamlah takde hari lain.

I was combing through the comments left by the thoughtful ones and that got me thinking...aloud.Their compliments...are very heartfelt.If only they knew what is inside, because I don't.

I'm doing all this...for a very selfish reasons.This is a career by choice.I'm not at all academically qualified.I paved my own way to learn to help, to care and to support.Everything is amalgamate.You can only be an assistance to the needy if you are needy yourself.

As a person, I passed 28 years without many words.I kept things, I'm too absorbed and selfish...or just very,very introverted. I missed many chances.I'm sure many of us are missing something in life that we can't quite figure out what it is and that is why some of us are still wandering...

Listening to this man, who just lost his wife from a very messy divorce (mind you, his Manic Depressive state doesn't help) His conscious life is so messed up that he is living and merely surviving on his fantasy life.His fantasy is his life support machine.And today, he want to turn it off.

I can't relate to him.I can't judge him or that will be too cruel.He is so emotionally fragile.The only way to cure him is to turn back time. The time where he still has everything...his sanity.

He kept saying that he changed for her.He wanted to make her happy.But he never told her.He fantasised what he wanted.He assumed that is what the wife wanted.

She only wanted his love and friendship.Like him,she has a dream too.Wanting to keep up with his fantasy,he becomes emotionally deranged.And suddenly, wife becomes enemy.This done in very little words between them.But they both know they love each other to bits.

They seperated.He goes on the mend and wife is trying to rebuild her confidence.They both went through the resuscitation process.By the time he realised what went wrong in their lives,his marriage forfeited.Wife is too brokenhearted to return.

The man conscience become very clear but it is now too late.Wife is not coming back.He apologised through and through but some people can't be bitten twice.

He is back to his usual self.He re create his fantasy...but this time his fantasy is meant to keep him going.Wife moved on.Divorced finalised and is now happily married.The man needs a closure from his only love.

He told us today that he is accepting his fate.He wants to stop fantasising.His wife is no longer in his mental picture.In fact, he has no one.

His despondency really breaks my heart.There's is so much love in him but it is just too late.Legally and morally, we have to keep him alive.

He only has god.And I hope god will help.We can only support.

If you can work out the reason behind the 'outspoken' me, you will learn that life is not easy.Doubly difficult if you're in the foreign land.You need to depend on yourself, with helps from friends.I do not want to live to regret, because in the past, I have had plenty of them.One can only understand the trouble if they had troubled themselves.

We have choice.Your choice is certainly wasn't mine to judge.Take care.

P/s Penat,Demam & Stress