Melancholic Life...Again

Ni bukan Frankie, ni my anak buah yang datang visit last year

It’s been 3 days, plus today that I have not spoken to Frankie. Why? Okay, shall I start with the list of why? Number one, ridiculed me on that Wednesday night, when I’m at work and as always, mega stressed. Number two, by making the lack of enthusiasm on our supposed to be ‘honeymoon’ so obvious, that of course, hurt my feeling like sial. Number 3, no consideration for the things that I will need to endure by driving 200 miles to the west country. How can you be more ‘bastard’ than you already are?

It’s true when people say, when you dah stressed and start marah-marah, all the smallest thing yang menyakitkan hati but did not emerged on your daily basis punya argument, will rollover jadi besar like Euro Million. Ni tengah marah la ni. And in the end, I spent my weekend alone, eventhough, not literally alone.

Last 2 weeks, for once I thought we that we have ironed things out, like our current situation and living arrangement. Not perfect but at least, I thought that we both had managed to make the situation bearable. But, there’s this type of people who changed their mind like they changed their bin liner.I’m one of them.And so is Frankie.And by the end of our throat, I just got fed up and muttered ‘I’m so sick of you!!!’ and lepas tu, takde berbunyi-bunyi lagi. I returned home and feeling like shit. Liza and Lou tried very hard to cheer me up and I, finally find myself agreeing into jadik ‘Marjorie Dawes – Fight Fighters’ for Liza who is now berazam nak mengecikkan pinggang after membaham all the foods kat selagi ada warung kat Subang Jaya hatta Rojak Mamak Mobile Stall pun. So, I spent over an hour planning her menu planner and those thing to do/not to do, in terms of healthy eating. In the end, I told her, minggu depan kan kita start puasa, so baiklah kau berpuasa. Badan slim, pahala pun dapat.

Knowing Liza, don’t know if her azam will berjaya ke tidak. It’s all goes back to 5 years ago, nak stop smoking kononnya. Whenever we heard about people who masuk hospital sakit jantung, lung cancer or die because of the self inflicted disease (like merokok) masa tu lah she will come to her senses and will tell me, eh, aku kena berhentilah. 5 years on, macam tu la jugak. Even after Uncle’s (Liza’s Bapak) passing of heart attack, she will insaf for seketika, especially when thinking that both parents dah takde, tinggal kakak and her anak buah. And not long after that, tortured by the lack of oral gratification, she balik to ‘waiting to exhale’ balik. Shoop shoop shoop de woop back again.When I remind her about her azam, her defence mechanism ialah by being defensive and will tell me, kalau tuhan nak I mati, besok I mati...and I know this people, who hisap rokok more than me hidup sihat sampai sekarang yadda yadda yadda...What else could I say? So, because of that remark, I pun berazam jugak la not to stick my oar in her smoking business, unless if she is the one who brings up the subject to stop smoking.

Speaking of puasa, Frankie have always have problem with me doing that. Taknak aku menderita kononnya. Frankie knows that I have been fasting since I was five. Sebab I yang cakap dengan dia. Yelah, nak convince punya pasal. I said to Frankie, well, I’m 33 and still fasting, and alive. I secretly think that Frankie only made reservation about the ‘puasa malam’ bit. Ni semua angkara I lah, because I said that when we puasa, everything pun have to ‘puasa’ jugak. Maybe pasal tu lah dia tak suka kot. And I never make any attempt to elaborate further, like I can always conjugal cleanse morning after and resume puasa. Malaslah. Dosa dah le minimbun.

Because me and Frankie still not speaking to each other yet (tengok siapa yang surrender dulu) this is probably the good time for me to berpuasa tanpa gangguan. If not, susah jugak nak explain why Muslim have to fast. I dread this time every year. Yang mangkuk hayun tu macam tak paham-paham.Berapa kali nak explain, hah? I tried telling Frankie what I knew about why Muslim have to berpuasa, dari pada factual reason (as extracted from Quran) to a gula-gula reason my parents used to tell me when I kena suruh berlatih puasa. Frankie, being overly intelligent, will dispute any argument sampai aku tak kuasa lagi nak layan. Nak aje I suruh dia argue dgn Tok Guru Nik Aziz. Well, if you nak argue about agama, argue lah dengan the professional kaedahnya. My knowledge is only enough for me to sustain my faith and preaching kecil-kecilan.

Sometimes, I’m torn between my feelings and my heart that is also torn between 2 of them vice versa. (eh..confuse nya) I’m impossibly in love with Frankie and hating every bit of it. I’m trying very hard not to make the ‘agama’ the masalah utama. It’s hard to blame Frankie for not favouring Islam. How can you convince someone who’s good faith in anything have been marred by 7/7 bombing? How can you blame someone for feeling uncomfortable with Islam teachings, who has for the past 25 years, live happily in Finsbury Park only now to be told that the Hook Preacher is hating every ‘kaffir’ that walking on Finsbury Park soil? As if the kaffir is making the life hell out of them Muslims? Can you blame this people a.k.a. the good ‘kafir’ who langsung tak kacau orang?

You can’t, can you? The best thing is to just bersabar and hope for the better.