Update

Yes....this post is yesterday's news. (Apasal kau lambat publish?) If wanting to publish a thought nevertheless of the date being lag does not show enough determination nak menghupdate, I don't know what else is. At least aku hupdate, takdelah macam orang tu, laki takde rumah barulah rajin...hari lain tak rajin...nampak sangat ber overtime malam-malam. Pastu besok bila ter mengand..depressed lah memanjang. Cisss!!!

Yesterday was my late brother would have been 32nd birthday.

I think today, enough lah nak nak mengumpat orang and sebagai kakak yang mithali (and ever so guilty) I should write about him.

I do wonder what he may look like at this age. I am a female version of him, but I have to say (not because he is my brother) that he is a handsome looking young man. He was already 6ft tall when he was 19...so I think he would stretch to 6'2 now.

As a family, we have agreed not to question his fate, of why did he have to go so young. He was ill but the illness was too rapid to kill him and we never had that chance to say goodbye.

He died at 4pm and was brought back home on the Maghrib the same day. When he was there lying at the corner of our Paroi Jaya living room facing the kiblat, I pray Allah to give me strength not to fall asleep until I see the last of him.

I was reading Yassin non-stop. I can feel people hugging me from behind, and I don't know who they were. I was hoping that his eyes will open, but they never did.

When people are not looking, my hands are touching his very,very cold body. He was so stiff. He still look the same, only pale.I keep asking him quietly, get up..please get up. But he didn't and he can't.

We all, my brothers and sisters slept next to him. I don't think we all slept. I didn't and I saw my sister's (the one he was very close to) was jerking non-stop. She was crying in her sleep.

When he was lowered to the ground, I said goodbye from afar. There was just too many people. I was angry. People just plain nosy, why? We have the right to be near him, but no..semua orang nak tengok and we were left behind. My two brothers is already inside the ground, doing their manly bit. My father was just too weak to see all that.

I can hear my father cried 'you were supposed to see me off, not the other way around'.

I cannot remember telling him how much I love him, and I think I never tell any of my brothers and sisters the same.People always say that..masa diorang hidup lah kena cakap...but do we really want to do that without them thinking kita ni bertebiat?

Loving brothers and sister (or even parents) are unspoken love. We tell them we love them when we were to young to understand what love means, and perhaps too young to have all that sense of vanity.

I count my blessing that we never had that major 'aku menyampah tengok muka kau' or 'kau celaka' moment. I was in the boarding school when he was still in primary school and off to UK when he was a in his early teens. There was never a time to bergaduh.

But now when I think hard, none of us ever bergaduh with him...simply because he was such an angel.He loves everyone.He loves the cats...he brought stray cats home and feed them. Everytime I see a cat (or when I'm being horrible to one) I'll think of him.

When he was desperately ill, he don't remember me. I was near and he can't see. But mother said, eveytime I wasn't there...he never stop asking 'where Angah?'

I was not there when he died. If only I don't have to care about my stupid toiletries...but I did, and I think he went deliberately.

Yes, so he is 32 yesterday. He was 19 when he went. And I still miss him dearly.

Al-Fatihah.

'I do....but I don't...'

Seperti yang telah ku war-war kan kepada you all dengan muka tak malunya didalam blog ni, semua orang yang membaca (dan 2 ke 3 orang lagi yang tak baca) dah tahu yang I ni dah didalam process-process nak berpatah arang berkerat rotan dengan Orang Tua Putih itu. Ceritanya tak panjang...hidup dalam perperangan, kejap baik, kejap tak baik...tup-tup, I dah dibagi notice suruh tinggalkan dia dan tinggalkan rumah to which (masa hati sakit) I follow dengan dengan senang hati dan senang kaki.

That was February. Basically kepada yang tidak ada perasaan macam orang ittew, akan tahu yang I ni dalam process-process grieving. So you thought good friend like her will at least offer a needy friend like moir a shoulder to cry on or kalau takde bahu pun, kasilah buku address lama or any contact eligible Doctor untuk ku jadikan dahan berteduh or persinggahan sementara githoo. Haram takde nya. Dipaksa aku hupdate and hantar cekelat pemuas napsu dia lagi ada. Happa lah itu kawan!!!

Sometime I thought that the separation is good, it gives me time and space to ponder, apalah lagi yang nak kuharapkan kat sipadi seberang ini. Tak banyak. Nak harapkan duit dia? Duit I laaaaaaaaagi banyak...(although duit dia pun banyak juga...tapi tak pernah pun merasa) Kadang-kadang hati terasa, eh..sementelah dah technically single ni, patutkah aku jadi bohsia macam budak TKC ittew? Reliving back my younger days yang takdelah sehebat mana. I was so nerd you (ni tak macam si self-proclaimed TKC nerd tu, cakap aje nerd tapi umur belum setahun jagung dah ber swapping saliva dengan budak laki-laki nah?) nak kawan dengan jantan pun takut...setialah aku macam nak mati dengan siamang tu (BTW Kiah, we did swapped upper DNA after 6 years together but that still not qualify for Bohsia of the year 1994)

Because we are now separated, I am not oblige to make any contact. Adalah calling-calling jugak out of respect, with us trying to outwit each other, buat pose-pose tak kisah until in the end, one of us noticed how cold we are to each other, prompted sipadi seberang tu tanya if I dah ada jumpa orang lain? Boleh diwarning nya aku tu Kiah, cakap we are still legally married so, I hope that going out in a pull is not in your agenda. Babi nya...tak kah dia tahu, lagi dihalang, lagi jahat aku jadi nya.

The fact is, I am not, although nak jugaklah buat statement 'kau hingat aku tak laku ke?' sometime. But, what good will that do me? Being in a relationship is tiring enough, although I did missed the chat, the thing you do with your partner (I'm not talking sexual stuff, Kiah) missing the person who just being there walaupun sesejuk ikan Tuna Jepun.

Sipadi seberang tu, was indeed a good partner. Always there, walaupun menyakitkan hati kenkadang.I was working all the time and missing out on small-small thing like last week TV Magazine yang dia rajin simpan kan. Or any newspaper articles that I may like to read, si tua being ever so thoughtful akan kerat dan simpan kan...running my bath...back rub. Smallest thing like that.

This is when you realised what you're missing and what you're losing. But after almost 2 months, I may have mourned my loss and appreciate the fact that although I am missing the art of 2 people loving each other and showing each other love in such a weird way (by menyakitkan hati each other) I still think that there's no way back.

So I said 'I do love you, but I don't want to be with you anymore'.

And now, I menyesal pulak cakap camtu. Isk..isk..isk...

Post Partum Update

Ehem..ehem..ehem, by the time this is published, it may have been 2,3 days too late. But, mana satu kau ndak, Kiah? Ada hupdate or takde langsung?

My laptop is still lying low in Kingston's PC World. I should have jenguk to give them the more go ahead, but Kingston is not near any place I should visit, apart from our HQ. Tapi kalau sesaja pulak nak datang Kingston time-time kerja, buat apa ada pulak spy-spy yang nampak kelibat I and report kat Boss besar yang Makji Esah telah di google earth berada di kawasan Kingston-Upon-Thames, tak ke naya? Nanti Boss kata, ohh Makji, you bila suruh datang miting, dolak dalik kata Kingston tu jauh, tapi apasal pulak ada orang nampak you bersidai kat area-area PC World ittew?

I am one of this people yang tak suka masuk miting, especially miting dengan puak-puak sendiri i.e. rakan sekerja, rakan sekerja lain branch and Boss-Boss besar. I adalah sangat pemalu and rendah self-esteem so sitting duck in front of plenty of people in that meeting room is way,way too daunting for me.

In Social Services, the common issue and concerns people like to bring up in the meeting is Policies & Procedures. We discuss cara-cara nak menyelamatkan pesakit-pesakit, cara untuk mengelak orang ramai dari kekejaman pesakit-pesakit, cara untuk menemubual pesakit/keluarga pesakit, cara untuk mengelakkan pesakit menjadi lebih sakit dan cara unutk menghalang orang tak sakit dari menjadi mangsa orang sakit. What we never discuss in meeting is that how Social Workers/Support Workers/Outreach Workers like we all ni is greviously underpaid and should be paid as much as English Premier League footballers or Perdana Menteri Zimbabwe. Tak kan ado lah.

Sometime, I am so fed up dealing with human issues. People like you (siapakah you?) always think that people like us (like me) kerjanya discussing you. You ingat I suka ke menghabiskan masa 7.5 hours daily (the legal working hours) bercerita, berbincang and menyelesaikan masalah you? Ish..kalau le I ada benda lain nak dibuat, tak hingin I. Speaking of which, this is a choice I made.Memang ada benda lain...tapi benda lain semuanya tak tercapai dek tangan. Hasrat hati nak jadi Doctor bersettee empuk kat opis, apakan daya, penilaian darjah lima dapat 4A 1B, so takleh masuk TKC, SRP and SPM secukup rasa...yang dapatnya masuk PiPiPi buat course yang ber learning subjects aje, takde nak belajar anything technical yang menyeksa otak. So apakan daya, terimalah nasib diri yang tak berapa bistari ni.

Two of my colleague was signed off sick, having a nervous breakdown recently. Cuti 6 bulan lah tu, meng overhaul kepala hotak. Bila nanti kalau dah kepala dah irrepairable, maka bolehkan claim sickness benefits and tak kerja sampai bila-bila.Hmm...tempted nya.

I spoke to JT recently (aih..berdating kah aku, Kiah?) JT was making all these comments how I was so different now compared to before...(Encik Bahalol, sekarang saya dah 36, dahulu saya 16...kalaulah saya masih berperangai macam budak 16 tahun, bukankan saya hanya akan mengundang sangsi yang saya ni mengalami akal yang terencat and associate developmental issue?)

Tapi, tak banyak sikit, I agree with him. Once upon a time I, I am so quiet, timid and fearful. The only thing that didn't change is the way I process my thought. I have always been blunt. In a quieter version before however I'll say thing as it is. I remember once I defied my father (berani nya...) I was asked to do something. I am the usually very docile young woman but on this particular ocassion, I was so against his instruction. No exchange of words but world was shown kekerasan badan and mogok lapar. In the end, I was challenged to expressed my thoughts and I did, and father later (to my surprise) conciliate with his conscience.

However now, I don't need to be challenged to expressed my thoughts, and goodness, the problem I got myself into and the people perceptions.

I told JT that I made comments about how some people who were so taksub with the superficial things, makan, minum kopi and beratur tunggu bas pun nak cakap hal itu saja.To me is merely drawing attention to themselves, ye lah, nak lah orang kiri kanan tahu apa fungsi kita ni kepada agama, bangsa and negara lah gamak nya.

I said to JT I think people like this are so desperate for community approval so that they can reassure themselves.JT tanya I, apo makno tu Makji? I pun cakap, ala..macam budak2 MCKK lah, kiri kanan kiri kanan pun dok nak cerita Fiat Sapienta Virtuos (betui ka ni?) aje. Yes, kita semua tahu lah budak MCKK tu pandai-pandai belaka, tapi mestikah orang lain pun nak tahu jugak? So I said, well, tu maknya nya they are not convinced themselves, so kenalah cakap berkompang-kompang depan budak MRSM tak pass add math cam I ni, for reassurance. That's what I mean by community approval. It is normal for people to feel mega insecure, ye lah..belajar kuat-kuat tapi nanti tak pass, tak ke sakit jiwa?

JT jawab..oooo, gitukah Makji? Ye lah..gitu lah.

Tapi biasalah...some people don't like to be told and reminded that they're insecure. Mega chip stucked in their shoulders since birth.

JT tanya, so who have you annoyed Makji? I said, plenty people lah...yang tak kena kata pun paranoid yang bukan-bukan.

So, are you upset, Makji? Takdelah upset, menyampah aje.

Ye...menyampah aje.Menyampah sungguh. Nyah kau dari sini, Kiah.

P/s I think someone got confused between Dr Evil and Austion Powers. Dr Evil punya trademark taruk jari kelingking tepi mulut and Austin Powers punya trademark senyum mulut ternganga. Tak malu....salah konsep!

Update

This guy at work, yang memang telah ku suspect sedang mengalami mid life crisis left a message for me to call him. Urgent katanya.

We are not that close (I am not close to anyone) but when our path crossed (bila I pergi jumpa Makcik Pakiam) he will make sure that we should have coffee together kat area-area Holland Park tu, so that we can discuss about stuff. Dia ni pandai you all...takdelah pandai macam orang yang ada settee empuk tu but he is sure well read that I am so convinced that he knows everything. So I think, besides my father and Frankie, Pakcik ni memanglah pandai...kan ke I suka kawan dengan orang pandai, taklah aku nampak bodoh kan, Kiah?

I have not been seeing Makcik Pakiam for a while, as dia tu khabarnya sedated habis-habisan dengan Respiridal Consta ittew, but I was given a message yang dia dah balik normal unit dia and I can start working with her as usual. So I saw her last Thursday. But I'll tell you about that in my next posting...kalau kaki I tak sakit (what does this really mean, huh?)

So, during coffee, this guy told me about a woman he met and is much younger than him. He is very captivated by her charm and eloquence. (Aiyo...jantan bila tahap kegatalan dah tahap Ferrari, lembu menguak pun dikata jelita jua) Katanya pompuan tu dah kahwin. Si Pakcik ni pun dah kahwin jua. So, apa ke hal nya sampai gigih nak cerita kat I?

So, terpesona punya pasal, he asked her out for dinner and she has accepted, tapi sekarang Pakcik ni macam dah risau that he might jeorpadise their marriages (ehem..their? Seia sekata nampak?) Pakcik ni kata he just want to be friends, but he does not want any problems.

I tanya dia, can you not just go and have dinner without fussing about it? Maybe because you fuss, that's why you worry. So, stop worrying and eat lah..abis cerita.

Pakcik said my view is too easy. Because it is. I do it all the time, although I takdelah gi makan dengan laki orang berdua-dua an, selalunya will be selori of us, and majority nya memang laki bini orang jugak. And he still worry.

I kind of sense there could be more than just platonic date. I told him that a lot of affairs starts with two married people meeting up for an intimate supper. It's exciting, maklumlah, men can get fascinated with his new 'lady friend' at work, sophisticated lah, mungil lah...pandai menjahit lah...tak banyak cakap or cool, tak macam bini saya yang bossy yang kerja hanya tidur kat opis. But face it, a man rarely invites a woman out unless he fancies her as well. It could develop into an affair and complicate the friendship.

I asked him, will you tell your wife? Pakcik diam aje. So I suspect not but if you can tell her and she doesn't mond you wining and dining another woman, then fine. But only if you're certain you will never be more than just good friends.

I pun suggest, why don't you invite your wife as well, jadik lah couple friends kan? Tak katanya, as he think a man should have a female friends as well as a male friends yang wife takleh masuk campur.

Ade ke yang macam ni?

I suppose it is okay, kalau partner you extra sporting. I'm sure if it were me, I wouldn't mind as I really value my me time, so berpoyalah kau tanpa batasan and I can focus on watching Friends and Frasier tanpa bosan.

But the fact that this Pakcik is worrying about it, beg the question, adakah dia rasa dia perlu untuk re invent dirinya sebagai Mamat Macho and decide to ditch his bookworm clever guy reputation?

You never know with men, kan?

Agony Makji

To those who sent private emails asking for advice, I am sorry I can't be any help. Laptop I sakit kuat, bertambah sakit lagi bila PC World decided to hire a Customer Service yang berkerak telinga nya, sampaikan nombor phone I pun salah salin. After few days I called, katanya no work had taken place, nak tunggu confirmation itu ini. So, dah dekat 2 minggu I tanpa PC, nak harapkan PC office yang dikontrol oleh HQ, kang habislah rahsia ku terbukak.

I do not know what is happening around me anymore, apart from my menu for tonight or whether or not, I still have socks to wear. Too busy to know or to care about anything else.I was told that we now have a new PM. Eh, boleh ke jadik PM after case Puncak Alam tu? And Khairy Jamaluddin is the new Ketua Pemuda? Not that I care but I anticipate bila I balik kampung nanti, my cousins yang konon nya orang kuat orang Rembau tu akan menjobo lah macam nak rak.

But who cares? Bad people is everywhere and they get away with things. It is good to bless with muka penyapu, say what you have to say and act like nothing happen.

You really got to have a gut like a battler to see through all this...masalah rumahtangga, cinta tak berbalas, politikus etc etc.Orang mengata, orang mengambik kesempatan...and laki yang tak pandai nak appreciate bini. I am not good at giving advice, but hidup ni kenkadang tak boleh jugak nak kena dengar cakap orang or cakap hati sendiri.You really have to be thinking smart although we cannot always get a clever result, but we got to choose what works.

Given my past form, I can be a bit of a battler and a bolter. I do not know why people opted to stay in a relationship for the sake of their children, as children may always have their parents (unless kau bunuh bapaknya)

The expert mostly would suggest, if there's a betrayal, provided if you can move past it, please please do not attempt to stay in a relationship with you in two minds.You're likely to get suggestions like, run away from this sign of trouble. If you stay, there's a chance that you might completely withdrawn from your partner emotionally and physically. In the end, one party want to be friends (a masterstroke of passive-aggresive). Seriously, you really can't be friends with someone you don't like. I tried...how I should listen to me...(eh, ni problem lain lak ni)

With people that have hurt you, there will be nothing friendly about being friends.Before you can laugh at his/her stupid joke and now, you may even struggle to talk politely.They loves you...katanya, but not in the way they used to. In the end it become, they're there-but not there.

From experience, being a battler can really change you. It has kept me silent and alone. It is you against the world (as in the kawan-kawan yang dari azali tak berkenan dengan your choice of a partner) You keep thinking, yes...he is worth loving and what if he comes out of this and love me again? (Yeah...they will jilat pasir when they promise you this) You're absolutely in denial, but sometimes denial is a good strategy. It gives you time to weigh what you really want. The spurned person should stay steady and listens carefully.

If your laki happens to have extra money set-set Datuk K, yes, you would have preferred the wealth for security anak-anaklah konon nya. You might then hoping that your relationship will work out, right up to the end. When is the end? Kalau laki you ada heart problem, at least you know you can count on ular plastik, but kalau jantan bangsa puaka setan nirrojim lambat mati? Can you really be living in a situation so toxic?

Emotion often clouds the decision making process, same as it clouded everything in your head. There's always a risk of us regretting the decision we made. Battlers usually craving for connection and if they stop trying and hoping and make a drastic exit, they are facing a lifetime of regret, blaming themselves for not trying harder or give the siamang the 2nd chance.

Men usually regret splitting up (ni adalah kata-kata penjilat pasir yang berkaliber sebelum dia mati) He said that the practical male brain will want to cut and run bila bermasalah but down the line (or after tersedar dari lamunan yang pompuan yang dia dok gila-gila tu, adalah species yang sama dengan dotdotdot) he finds that the grass is more emphatically not greener.

When you relationship hits serious problems, it has to be re negotiated if it's to work again, which is difficult bila laki kita tu bangsa yang lebih rela cakap dengan kawan se opis dari you sendiri. Lama-lama, your built up anger has become so corrosive, sometime you feel nak cakap pun tak guna.

So, buatlah keputusan dengan sebijaknya. Jangan ikut sangat cakap hati or suara-suara paranoid schidzophrenia diri sendiri yang selalu rasa orang mengata or benci kat you.We always want to come across the good one, so benda-benda bangang tu janganlah nak diikutkan sangat.

I hope this is a good advice.

P/s Celakalah kamu yang mengata aku ittew dan membuat demand. Kau tu pun bilalah nak hupdate nya?

Status Update

The biggest bafflement for me about Facebook is the 'status update' element. It seems to exist purely so everyone you know (or tak kenal sangat) can keep up with the minutiae of your life.

I often run out of 'cool' things to say to update people of my status. In fact, I am quite careful with what I write as My Boss in amongst my friends. There's a time bila I taruk 'EFF EVERYBODY', (I was at that time, menyampah gila with people at work), My Boss was the first person to send me a message asking how I was. I pun terpaksalah mengcover line, telling her that I am angry with the train service.I don't know if she really bought that one.

I used to have a friend with bizarre status updates. I had to remove her in the end as I can't cope with my annoyance and embarassment.

From time to time, we tend to see what some people think is 'cool'. It is hard to like the same thing.I prefer the one that I can join along, for fun and giggles. Especially when people kutuk MUFC.Yes, yes, yes. The Arrogance should be banished!!!

However, I come to think if..does anyone really want to know that?Apparently so, as some are busy making threads of comments several times a day and often more.Most of it is just a humour to the updates but sometimes it is shockingly intimate, intriguing and nauseating.

There's also a syndrome of 'Status Update anxiety' where we all trying to outdo each other in posting most intriguing or attention-seeking updates we can think of, or recording every tiny detail of our everyday lives. But why this obsession with letting the world know our every move, mood and thought? What does talking about ourselves in this way actually say about us?

I must be the most boring one.

Humanoid

I was called in for a Crisis Management Meeting.

In my work, kena panggil to masuk into this kind of meeting is not a good thing. Silap-silap, boleh kena disciplinary.

Couple of days ago, pukul 2 pagi, I received phone call from this lady who works as a full-time carer to one of my client yang

a) Bipolar MD
b) Moderate Learning Disability
c) Speech Impediment

Some people are just unlucky kan? Kesian. This man is my age, his case was allocated to me 2 years ago. I knew him when he was in the prison. Dah lah seperti list diatas, perangai macam aprit lak tu. But England are too kind...and for that, he was release into special unit, kiranya border criminal intent lah...something like 'he didn't know what he was doing...he doesn't have that capacity to see the gravity of his action'. All that SHIT!

But still, I am trained not to discriminate (but I can mengumpat hal dia dalam blog ni)

2 days ago, he was caught 'whisking his eggs' in the lounge, at the unit where he is currently residing.He was alone, hos other flatmates dah tido, and apparently he was doing it while watching some documentary about Forensic Science.

Although setelah ku suggest berkali-kali supaya staff to control what's on telly in their communal area, I was often hit back with 'you can't control what they want to watch, it is their right'.

Ni lah susah bila dah le tak pandai, tapi nak berlagak pandai...and of course, kulit I tak putih, so apa saja suggestion yang keluar dari mulutku yang mungil dan berkulit ular-sawa-tak-matang ni, tak akan didengarnya dek orang putih Chav-enistic ni.

I dah hantar report siang-siang kat they all, yes..we shouldn't infringe his viewing rights...nak tengok hardcore porn..tengoklah.Tapi, tengoklah dalam bilik sendiri. Comunal area, although that is your house, you're sharing it with other that have equal rights. I dah bagitahu, jangan bagi dia tengok cerita yang macam ni, yang macam ni...this will trigger his dragon. This guy is into Sado-Masochism, so apa aje yang berunsur syaitan, hubungan luar tabii or kekejaman seksual luar tabii...can exhilarate him.

The carer called me. Nak telepon police katanya. Dah pukul 2 pagi and I separa tido, I cakap, suruh dia naik masuk bilik lah. I will come and see him tomorrow...

The next day, I gi jumpa Mamat ni. Like always, he suffers from selective memory loss. Mati-mati tak ngaku dia dah mengoncang telurnya. I told him...masturbation is okay, but doing it in public is not appropriate. You can be arrested for it.

I decided not to take it any further than that. With his speech problem, maka info pun sebanyak taik ayam aje. I really don't like discussing this, let alone probing further into details...I've done it once and I told my Boss when I submitted my report, that I felt like writing a porn novel.

Tup-tup, carer tu buat komplen against I. Ni kes tak puas hati lah...konon-konon nya, trauma lah dia because of that incident. She feel that this man should be punish, arrested and jailed for aggresive behaviour.

Apparently, the head in my workplace no.2 agree with her. Tu lah yang aku kena summoned masuk miting tu.

I was critisised for being very lenient and given my capacity and duty of care, I should have taken appropriate action, like segregating this man.

I told them how I feel. They said..okay, BUT next time, please be more careful. I could have cost further damage. Damage, if you ask means...that action could lead to potential sexual assault etc, etc. (Jauh sungguh kan pemikiran diorang)

I left the building dengan sakit hati yang amat sangat. I told my colleague that I think the carer, who reported me was a bit over the top. Macamlah orang tu nak rog dia..tak selera kot, dah kau pun size beruang, orang gila pun tak nak.

I think I was right. He was only masturbating. Yes, in the communal area, but he thought he was alone.He wasn't doing anything wrong.Just because he has some seedy history, salah sikit aje nak kena tangkap.He has learning difficulties, so tak kan tahunya dia perasaan kemalu-maluan itu. Yang dia tahu, bila nafsu dah bergelora, maka pisangku perlu diberi perhatian yang sewajarnya.Itu dulu, rasa malu (pikir) kemudian. Isn't that what people tend to do nowadays? Kalau tak, tak kan adanya kes-kes tangkap basah ni...

Forgive me.For being human...and sporting. Kah Kah Kah...

Bababababa...Baybehhhh ! Don't Forget My Number

Keluar dah kau lagu Milli Vanilli, kumpulan kaki tipu antarabangsa tu....

After si Reading Prodigy JT tu telephone to tell me his news, I no longer feel like keeping him closer to my radar. Ni semua kawan-kawan tak perlu ni.

I ni you all, dah le takramai kawan. Dah lah kawan tak ramai, I am so bad at keeping in touch. So, so bad! Mother's Day in UK bebaru ni, I thought, I send my mother some GBP. I kind of forgot her birthday, well, not really. My boleh harap assistant has now naik pangkat and was covering for me while I am doing what I am doing now. So usually, si dia ni lah yang ku hambat pergi Royal Mail.

2 months ago, I bought bundle of chocolate for my Putrajaya Scandal. I took the stuff to my opis in Twickenham...and yesterday, my former assistant told me, eh Hjh Esah, I was so stressed at work I rasa nak makan aje ceklat kau tu. Then I remember...lah! Tak ku hantar lagi ke?

Alasang nya, buku address ku ada kat rumah si Tua tu...so nak tak nak, wahai Scandal ku Dentist Bini Orang, silalah hantar address mieww melalui Facebook ku yeah?

Back to my mother....ceh, like mother like daughter, like me, my amma also is a low maintenance woman. She will usually feel so bad if I gave her money, as she thought that I may need it more than her. So I TT the cash through my CNN sister bank account, dengan message yang sungguh kejam 'Kalau aku tahu kau cukai duit tu, siaplah..kita berperang!!!'. So my sister send me a message, oii! Kenapa kau lama tak telepon?

Then I remember, the last time I call my amma was...a day after I touch down from KL, tu hari. And I never call since. Tak ke meraung orang tua tu?

So if you nak marah2 I didn't call you, count your self lucky if I had just called you 2 weeks ago. I didn't even call my own mother, tawww!!! Matilaaaa anak durhaka.

Back to JT again. I am seriously considering nak lost contact ni. What for lah kan? Not that we were close, I am just a familar face from school yang dulunya dia tak pernah tegur. I am so menyampah with his guts to treat his wife like that.

I assume that he may want to enjoy his freedom like katak pergi Pesta Ago-go, so he will not notice that I am off his radar.

But dengan muka tak malunya...(I really should stop sending telepathy message to geng badak-badak cam ni) he send me a text message today.

He just wrote, this is my number...just in case you don't have it. Please call, it willbe nice to meet for chitchat.

Classic sungguh...saja nak buat equipment testing kot...buat-buat hantar message, ni nombor I, kot-kot lah you hilang. I sure hope nombor tu hilang, hilang dengan dia sekali.

Nak aje cakap..nombor tak hilang...tapi malas lah nak layan you. Tapi kang kecik ati. Susah jantan yang cepat kecik ati ni...pahtu bila kita tegur, tak ngaku kecik ati...buat-buat berlagak babeng lak tu.Padahal semua orang dah tahu.

How you wish a woman can just get away with lame excuse like that.

Stay Friends

When a younger girl splits from her boipren, is her first thought, we should be friends? Rasanya taklah kot. It is more likely to be Kill The Bastard!

Ideally when we get much older...or demi prestige (what the hell...hati dah patah, masih ke nak berlagak-lagak bagai?) we are hoping to be from partner to pal in the space of 24 hours. I think if you're the one that's doing the dumping job, yeah, senanglah...meh lah kita jadik kawan.

I know someone who after 5 years split up, had an amicable parting and telephone each other regularly including...just to say goodnight kind of call. We thought that this is too good to be true...we asked, are you both really separated? They insisted. Takkan lah nak check sampai ke dalam rumah pulak. They were living apart but it just seemed that they were still relying on each other for day to day feedback and support.

The girl start seeing another man quite shortly after their break up...after 3 months, and they (the exes) had a big row and agreed to stop speaking for a while.

F decided to break up with me early February. Masa baru bergaduh tu, sah lah hati tengah panas and I wasn't thinking much into it. Come to think about it, majority of my friends were quite relieved. From the surface and their perspective, I was the one that been wronged in the relationship. Obviously they made their decision from what they heard from me. Always, always...there's 2 sides of every story.

The first few weeks, we communicated through text messages and email as I need to retrieve my stuff that is still in the house. I gained access at certain time so that we don't bump into each other. I was so sad when I walked in the first time, nothing was moved. Breaking up was never easy. We started speaking nicely after a month and there was a moment that I thought we could get back together judging on how nice we were to each other. Because we have been extra nice on speaking terms, we now get into the situation where questions like 'why didn't you tell me that' starts flying. So much for 'you can do what you like now'.

And this is where advice starts.

Whether you kissed goodbye through the tears or had a shouting match and stomped out, you need to take sometime after the split to sit with your difficult feelings and accept that you haven't got him/her as your lover anymore.You've got some grieving to do, with all the stages of denial, sadness,maki hamun, koyak all the old Valentine's and lovey dovey birthday card and anger that you'd go through after a death. And how can you do that if you keep calling your ex, tanya khabar etc etc.

You can start to formulate the shape of the friendship later, later, later on.

If you're lucky, you ex could indeed be a good friend, as long as you remember certain rules: Don't rely on each other always to be there; give him/her some space; try not to give him/her advice unless dia mintak; don't slag off bf/gf baru dia; deal with your jealousy all by yourself and take the opportunity to dump any negative patterns that made two of you split up in the first place.

We always want to be the mature or the nice one, especially when we are the one who execute the decision...like, I will always be there when you need me. Yo lah tu.

There's even the childish one, who can't take the decision gracefully enough and start updating their Facebook status dengan message-message yang ditujukan kat ex masing-masing. Perlukah ittew?

Some people desperate to stay friends with their ex just because they're racked with guilt. It is good to stay friendly with your enemy but there's plenty people out there and not forgetting that you have some other friends, so losing one is not so bad.

Saya hanya pandai bercakap...but I am very conscious that doing it is not easy. Especially that person played a big part in your life for such a long time.

Stingy Trojans

I like to think that I am very practical.

The truth is, I am so kedekut.

Because I was away so much at work...ni kes, kerja sampai tak balik rumah, I have lost contact with my laptop. According to MB, dia suka pakai my laptop pasal nya laju. Ye lah laju...I don't keep rubbish.

So masa I takde kat rumah all this while, si budak dua ekor tu, dengan laptop sorang satu (satu tu aku punya) mulalah berposing-posing home office, kononnnya working from home, tapinya Facebooking or browsing for everything at the every corner they can get the wireless signals.

MB has this habit of sucking up to every advertistment in the internet, free LV handbag, free Ipod Nano lah..semuanya dia click.

So, when I finally reunited with my laptop...I already have all type of Trojans bersekedudukan dalam laptop tu.

Atas nasihat kengkawan...still defiant taknak beli antivirus baru and the free version taklah sekuat mana, I decided to reboot my laptop. I knew somewhere I still keep the recovery CD and segala mala CD yang penting.

So I thought, how hard can it be to fix your own laptop? If I hantar kat budak IT kat HQ, habislah nanti kaki-kaki gossip opis will know apa benda yang tersimpan kat dalam tu.Demi menjaga reputasi ku sebagai PMT ni, taknak lah orang tau hapabenda kerja ku browsing bila masa-masa terluangkan? (Kiah...I'm not looking at your favourite website Aminah Musim Panas tu occay?)

So I reboot the pc. Maka terkeluarlah segala instruction that only IT expert would understand, I play safe by clicking yes and yes and yes. Remember girls..next time, don't say yes to everything!!!

There was an option to repair/delete and tah apa satu lagi, and I clicked YES to delete. Kununnya to delete all the trojan.What I have forgotten is that the Trojan is populating my operating system that if I delete, maka the laptop is as good as nothing!

To make matters worst, my operating system CD yang aku sumbat tanpa mengecheck dulu, belongs to my old laptop yang lain bangsa nya. Not only that I had wiped out my entire operating systems, I had inserted the wrong CD yang of course lah lagi, menambahkan luka yang sedia ada.

Wahaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Saya telah menangis kerna

a) I have I-Tunes purchased, that worth almost £70.00, stupidly, I never thought of having a back up.
b) Gambar-gambar penting yang bukan bogel punya pose, yang penting untuk dibuat renungan dihari tua (or dihari berat badan dah naik 80 kg)
c) Musik-music from old CD's yang memang dah takde lagi dijual kat kedai.
d) All the works, ahhhh.....

So, saya gagahi jua pergi ke PC world. Lepas dimarah oleh technician ittew (berani nya!) he took my laptop and said that it will all cost me £80.00, to save everything.

Okay...£80.00, which will be add in my expenses bill yang akan di claim dari company.

I am still, kedekut.

(tapi sesungguhnya, saya tidak kedekut dengan kengkawan and pamili saya)

RIP Jade Goody.One of my patient nak pergi funeral dia...maka aiyo, terpaksalah aku berhimpit-himpit nanti.

Very Bad Thing

I am not sure if what I said to him eventually sunk into his thick scalp, but JT told me he divorced his wife last week. Patutkah aku bergumbira? Mmmmm.

I always have this thing, this funny thing about soon-to-be,about-to-be and already divorced men. You never know which is which.In terms of availability. If I ever meet a man...of course lah kita pompuan takdelah nak tanya, you single ke apa, because, kalau you tak single, why the hell are you chatting me up and giving the impression yang you tu available untuk ku sapu?

A little reminder....my ex was single when we met, he married another woman after that and datang balik kat I...armed with promises and plan to divorce his wife, I threw what I had at that time away for him. Did I get him back? Yes in the end, when he is dead.

I am not sure if JT's news is his hint to cakap kat I dia dah bujang trang-ting-tong so that I should consider going out with him.Maybe when we're still 16, I will jump at that chance, with him looking like Herman Felani and a school fotballer.But at that time, I wasn't even a dot to him.

What bothers me really, is his marriage.Senang betul kan jantan ceraikan bini nya? I asked him, how? Dia kata, dia tulis surat kat his wife and pejabat kadi aje you all. Ni mulalah nak start woman's lib ni, macam tu aje ke? Aren't we supposed to, kalau lah nak bercerai ber break up bagai, bertentang mata, telling each other how we feel and finding a perfect fullstop?

I thought he was delaying her because he was so hard up with his wealth yang seciput tu...okay,okay.He is protecting his estate and truly believed that all is his without any little line of chance that wife should be allowed to claim her share, he fought her for it. Wife quite rightly lah mintak her bahagian, although she didn't contribute but still, kalau hati dah panas kena tinggal tanpa notis, you ought to claim back, how many time you kangkang for him and charge him by hour/day.Kalau hati panas lah...ye tak? (Or is it just me who thought that?)

He has all the proof in the world that wife is not financially viable and that in their marriage, he was the main contributor.His earnings is way to big compare to her and what she earns is probably enough to buy her what she wants.So he paid for everything.Wife cannot contest this. They don't even have a join account together. But I think pejabat kadi or what have you there, never thought that wife didn't asked for all this, let alone consulted and he, consented to pay and provide for everything, in their marriage. Buruk betul siku kau kan?

Knowing that he is winning, he thought he spare their pride by writing her a letter, with a proposition.Macam celaka. He is divorcing her and because he is away damaging his head (this joke already upsets certain people, why? Have you loss your sense of fun?) she can live in his house rent free. And that is her 'saguhati'.

Ptuihhh....ptuihhh..ptuih. When he called me, he was all this cheerful supposedly feeling triumphant that he got what he want and obviously without saying, thinking that his mathematics of settlement was brilliant.

My heart goes to the wife...kena cerai pakai surat aje? Why on earth Tok Kadi allowing this? Men sure have rights...but of course women are entitle to some self-respect. Puaka jantan jaman sekarang, kalau pompuan yang salah..cepattttttttttttttttt aje nak report. But betapa ramai nya yang kena cerai pakai text message and now surat, and was allowed?

I am going through a divorce myself. We got to give reasons...agama aside lah, but 2 people should take responsibility.The judge will decide.Just because your laki tak kesior with you anymore, he can't just get away with text messages...or bagi sebab dalam court 'Saya dah takde hati'. Weih...kita pompuan boleh ke cakap camtu? I'm sure, many out there, hati dah hancur but dek jantan punya kuasa, kena tahan ajelah.

So, when JT told me his news....my response was 'Good for you'. Sibuk tanya sikit-sikit and then, I cakap, okaylah...I nak tido.

Erghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

High Rise

I was asked by Boss to attend business meeting today.Hiksss!

My work comprise in two divisions...the commercial side and the professional side. My Boss the Cik Puan Besar, is in the commercial side and I am doing both. With very little money. The commercial part takes me to places like Broadmoor and Harperbury (high profile secure unit) telling the Top Bosses like the Adult Services Director what we do, what we offer etc,etc.

The professional side of it...habis segala-mala masalah kainseluar dalam orang menjadi agenda pengumpatan and inducing more headache for me. See, not interesting at all.

I don't like business meetings. Pasalnya, takleh pakai jeans and trainers. Ye lah...having to berjalan sana-sini, kan ke senang pakai trainers aje? Senang nak kejar bas, senang nak lari kalau kena kejar anjing (isk..tipu lah...kat sini mana ada anjing garang) So for this meeting, I had to google the council offices to check out the big shot profile, to see how he/she look like...omputih ke, Asian ke...gagak ke. Looking up, this group of people we are about to meet tersangatlah glam nya, with one of them selalu jugak keluar TV.

So...kena jugaklah dress to kill ni. (Going for a kill ke? Tatau lah...) Last December, I bought this boots yang boleh tahan jugaklah mahal nya, for me to attend that office party. This boots came with maybe 1 or 1 and half inch of heel that supposed to be manageable for me.MB psycho me into buying the one with heels, ladylike katanya. My rationale is always, I'm already 5'9. I'm not going to intimidate anyone shorter than I am. The last time I wear a heel is like eons ago. I don't like it then and I don't like it now. With SIA and the hotel is different thing altogether. You got paid to wear nice things, plus you constantly on the grooming officer's case. Syukur sangatlah most of the time, aku duduk aje.So that was it. I was in that boots with heel for less than 5 hours.

So I took the boot out again. I remind myself that I have got to brave 10 stops of Underground, if lucky the station might have escalator and not staircase yang berbau kencing tu.Walk here and there. Mau melecet kaki.

I start wearing heels when I was very young...19 I think, and my first heels was from Americaya, Subang Parade. My wannabe image consultant cousin at that time were so generous with tips, she was so good at it...she wore stilettos and boleh lari 100metres lak tu without jatuh terkangkang! This cousin of mine cakap...you should start with flats and bit by bit, work out the kitten heels.They don't have to be vertiginuous,just not trainers.Anything but trainers.

I am very practical. I always think that trainers is very trendy.You can always tell which one is more noticeable...Nike Air or kasut tumit tinggi Chim Cham Pong. Nike Air, always.Expensive trainers is a wardrobe staples.Pojiah Latip wore Aerobics Reebok and in 1988, that is the coolest thing on earth.

When I first came to UK, my collection expands. From Reebok, I now have Adidas, Converse...and few more Nike's.If my house terbakar, I would have sacrificed photos and priceless heirlooms and rescue my trainers.

The nagging problem with all this was, it was a nigh-on impossible to look super-sexy in trainer (tell you, as you get older...reality starts kicking in) It was a fact; pompuan looked hot in high heels. I often saw them girls in heels looking all elagance, long legs and kick-ass attitude. I so wish I was all that. But alas, my fear of kaki melecet,kaki tersadung and terpeleot or panicking at the sight of uneven pavements kept me resolutely loyal to my trainers.

So this business meeting, sitting eye to eye with someone famous suddenly tick and brought sudden surge of femininity, saw me tracing the step of my only boots.

Was it worth it? Walking from Holborn to Bloomsbury is like thousand miles and the boots is like made of nails.Of course they look good, I feel slightly taller and thinner and hell of a lot more sophisticated than usual, tapi sakitnya?

I don't know what sadistic impulse made me think that I should look elegant for this matsalleh yang tak mandi pagi.

It was a waste of time. I usually managed all that within 45 minutes. But because of gatal sangat nak put on that Jennifer Aniston image, I had to cut down my sleeping hours, I had to walk slower than usual (believe me, jalan terkedek can really depressed you) and sakit badan satu hari.

There's always this thing about being extra vain and conscious as you get older, but inducing pain can always not be part of it. I have passed that stage of wanting to look good. What you feel inside is more important....ye lah. Magazines tunjuk gambar supermodel size zero, proportionally size breast hari-hari can easily scrapped your inner strength.

We cannot win.

Orang Berbudi, Kita Berbahasa...Orang Memerli, Kita Terasa

I exhibited more and more anti social behaviour lately ni. Ehemmm...semenjak-dua menjak ni. I made smart comments on every emails I received from para-para professional yang selalu terasa they all tu macam pandai, just because they have title at the beginning of their name. So opinion kekucing takde kurap macam I ni they all tu buat tak dengar aje.

But you want to know when they will listen? Nantilah, kalau dah ada orang mati, or orang yang termati dek kecuaian system-system tak perlu dalam Social Services ni.

There's always a reason for everything...nasib baik I dulu sekolah tak berapa pandai macam budak TKC tu, kalau tak misti dah jadik para-para professional yang kerjanya hanya mengambil credit orang-orang bawahan cam I ni. Ceh...terasakah kau wahai budak TKC yang ada settee empuk buat tiduran dihari boring kat opis?

But that's work. People are good at dismissing the problem as 'it is just a job, and that's it'. Ye lah...betul lah tu.I pun orang pendatang, walaupun sekarang ni dah entitled nak claim benefit-benefit macam omputih-omputih pemalas kat sini, sometimes we are just left with no other choice but to 'buat aje lah, kau bukannya anak Sultan Brunei yang kerjanya tiap-tiap minggu pergi party berkawan dengan celebrity'.

Some job are bad for soul. My job certainly is. I have got fed up telling myself that this is a noble thing to do.I have become paranoid, over judgemental and most disgustingly, bermulut puaka.

I listened to what people said, how people expressed themselves and how people talked about themselves.

I have overused the skills for work onto skills to socialised.In the end, I tak pandai nak socialise. I hope to overload my listening skills here, but I ended up mengata orang.Not that I am sorry about what I've said but to learn about how shallow/bangang one can be, can mitigate my own self-esteem, not to mention...memanaskan hati.

See, I am now talking about me.

I do sometimes take responsibility for what I have written. But to the extent yang berpada-pada lah.Some blog owner said 'blog I, I punya sukalah I nak tulis apa pun'.

I like to write about people's interesting conversation I heard.Semakin banyak orang tu bercakap, the truth whether dia mature/bangang/bongkak/etc,etc akan terkeluar. I am very self-conscious, biasalah anak nombor dua.

Orang-orang tak berapa pandai ni defence-mechanism they all tu is by making sure that when they express themselves, they made sure they inject small dosage of narcissism.What is obvious is they all tu macam bagus, but underneath semuanya kelabu asap aje.

If you think that I was talking about you, maybe I am. But nasiblah. I pun taktau I cakap pasal siapa. We have got to learn to read what we read with an open mind. Kalau kita baca problem orang, kadang-kadang kita rasa problem tu macam problem kita, mana yang baik kita belajar lah...mana yang tak, biar aje lah.

I was asked to explain...what do I mean by 'Statement Of Arrogance' ?

Sini kau, Cik Julie...bila you argue dengan kengkawan...nak-nak bila your own words is closing into you, ala-ala, kau nak kalah berhujah lah ni...selalunya, sentiment-sentiment arrogance akan berbunyi....

'Okaylah..biarlah, baik I diam dari cakap dengan you'.

Orang yang bercakap macam ni akan rasa they give out message yang dia taknak gaduh panjang-panjang...tapi sebenarnya you all, orang macam nilah yang selfish tak hengat, tak nak kasik you peluang nak tunjukkan kat dia bahawa salahnya dia tu.

p/s Kiah, aku perli kau ni. Silalah terasa hati ye...

Sudikah Kau Berkawan Dengan Ku?

You know in Facebook there's this column 'People You May Know', somewhere on the left hand side the page?

I never took any notice but that day, on the way home using mobile browsing, sahihlah dah takde benda nak ditengok or message/comment untuk dibalas (maklum lah, saya tak glamour) I pun click lah kat 'People You May Know Tool' tu.

Guess who is in 'I May Know' list? Jeng, jeng..jeng.....Pojiah Latip you all! Apparently ada 3 of my friends yang berkawan dengan Pojiah Latip (eh..apsal nama dia lain eh?)...hamboi, takmo introduce pun kat aku ye?

I am dead honoured to have her in my list...(tapi kalau friends lagi lah sokaaaa) but siapalah aku untuk berkawan dengan mieww ittew.

Once upon a time, we were so near but yet so far, in terms of friendship lah... my bestfriend cousin's was once her laki. I think at that time they lived in Kensington Rosary Garden tu. I could have asked to be introduced, but I was far-far away in South Yorkshire nun to be socialising with that lot, lagipun that lot tu lord-lord punya clan, tak tercapai taraf dek kaki ku yang saiz lapan ini (perlukah bagitau???)

But you see, Pojiah Latip is not the only familar one in my 'You May Know' list. Ada jugak yang I kenal-kenal taik anjing, tapi rasa macam tak syok jugaklah nak request friend just because we know majority of people in their circles.

I think I have done that once or maybe twice.Not that I know this person personally but kiranya macam peer pressure lah, semua gang I dah kawan dengan dia.

Little that I know this is the decision I breathe to regret. Some people just can't help getting into the habit of drawing unwanted attention to themselves, and yang bodohnya Facebook ni pulak, war of words, thread thread tak perlu semuanya in view kat kita-kita ni yang hanya menggunakan Facebook for friendly purposes.

I am now seriously thinking about de-junking my friend's list. I have been in touch with plenty-plenty people in my past who very obviously and blissfully unware that kawan they all yang sungguh pendiam/pemalu ghope-ghope nya ada blog page yang boleh masuk ISA, dibawah akta Hasutan.

More so, majority of my family members have started to emerged. Adussss...nak add ke tak nak add? Kalau di add, keluarlah soklan cepu platinum, ek, apasal nama kau cam nama orang putih dah lah ni? Ayoyo kadawale...

I was terkantoi last year, when me and my sister gi jalan-jalan cari makan dan ngabiskan duitku kat Seremban Dua tu. I went to Spidi to look for cerita hantu and bantai beli tak hengat, I had to pay with my keledek card. Ceh, budak amoi tu...mula-mula muka pucat dapat special message from the credit card centre. I tanya dia, you mau pin number ke? Lepas I dah taruk pin number, she insisted that I sign the merchant copy although dah terang-terang cakap no signature required. Takut boss marah katanya...

Bila dah lama kat kaunter pun, my sister yang separa CNN ni pun datanglah jenguk and ask to have a look at my Llyod TSB, jeng-jeng-jeng...kan ke ada nama melayu plus omputih tu!

Nasib baik akak kau lulusan kursus jangka pendek forensic mental health, maka thinking on the feet berjaya ku auta my sister tu. Sajalah cakap...for glamour purposes only, ye lah, I kan ke dok London?

So to you yang in my friendlist, can I please ask for you to refrain calling me what you call me in this blog, saves me the hassle menjawap...siapo Mokji tu?

And to you Pojiah Latip, sudikah kau berkawan dengan kiewww?

Update

Somebody famous was in town recently. This famous man, came to London with the Raja Permaisuri Agung, who was officiating tah apa pameran kat Knightsbridge nun.

Because he lost his mobile, he is unable to give me enough notice to come and see him. By the time he managed to tracked me down, I already had made many,many plan.

This famous friend of mine, boleh tahan demanding nya. I had to rearrange my schedule to fit his. Both me and MB. MB has more reasonable working pattern, so she can ciow anytime from work. Her only problem was her bad sense of direction including malas nak drive masuk Central London, so although she could have meet this famous friend of ours without me, she insisted that I asked for time off work.

March is a bad month to 'main main' work. Plenty people took annual leave and the opis is constantly short staff. Patient will not care if kita tak cukup staff ke,apa ke...yang tahu nya, when they want something, they must get.So, so demandking. Tu orang gila...yang takde sense of negiotiation.Kalau pun they all buat demand cam nak gila, they still can't see the difference, they still cannot comprehend the meaning of being reasonable.I'm sure they sometimes do, but they don't care.

MB nak sangat jumpa this famous man bukannya apa...kedatangan this person diiringi oleh 2 carton Marlboro Lights.Kalau I tak cukup tido pun, she will not kisah...I will never win against her rokok.So much of a friendship kan?

I managed to leave work early, but Boss cakap, don't switch off your phone, just in case something urgent.One of my colleague peri maternity leave, so her patient is now mine for the next 6 months, so sekarang I ada 30 orang, 5 paranoid schidzophrenia, 2 personality disorder/autistic spectrum, 2 Brain Injury, 13 Moderate learning disability and 8 Bipolar/Unipolar MD with high dependency on drugs. Enough to make me have a breakdown myself. 4 of them lives in Croydon, 5 lives in Kensington, 5 in Twickenham, 4 lives in Guildford, 2 lives in Haverhill, 6 lives in Redhill and 4 lives in Harlesden. I have to see all 30 in one week, so 30 bahagi 5...berapa hari sorang tu?

Everyday I curse this pregnant colleague of mine, why do you have to beranak? How selfish! This is not the line of work para-para Mummy Poko wannabe should choose. I was so irrational. Looking after the welfare of 30 difficult people is not easy.I sometimes wonder why was I doing it the first place. Money shit, people shit.

So, heavily sedated with that evil thought, I took the evening off telling myself I need a break. From Croydon, I rushed to Twickenham to meet MB yang dah siap mandi and berwangi-wangi. I asked her, do I have time to mandi, because I really need to mandi...I smell like a hospital (ni bukan bau disinfectant or anything cleaning chemical alike ye, ni bau puaka gondang yang terlekat kat badan you)

MB cakap takyah lah, you look okay lagipun, we dah lambat, we need to see him at 6pm, ni dah pukul 5. (Ye lah I look okay, mentang-mentang you dah chantekkk). Funny though, aku nak mandi dikata takde masa dah lambat, tapi dia boleh hisap rokok and minum kopi without the care of the London traffic.

This famous guy dalam banyak-banyak Hotel, dia boleh duduk kat Corus Hotel yang postcode nya very the confusing ittew.Berpusing-pusing gak nak cari, Sat Nav saying this but road diversion saying that.Oh for fuck sake, berenti ajelah depan hotel tu. While we were looking for the hotel, this guy keep calling, mana you all ni...cepat lah show dah nak start. I said to MB, show apa kejadah lak ni, I thought kita nak gi makan nasik?

We spent 20 minutes gak convincing him not to go to MSD, because the last time we went there the nasik was cold and this famous guy, known for his sharp tongue...(and there you think mine was the sharpest?) tanpa bantuan loudspeaker, terus pi cakap kat the owner (or the man who runs it) apa ni, nasik sejuk...masak semalam ke? We told him, takpe, we will bawak you makan tempat lain, nasik sure tak sejuk.

Tup-tup, within minutes, he come up with another plan. We ended up watching West End show. He brought with him this lady, who used to be a journalist, who moans all the way..sejuk lah, driver kat sini too polite for my liking lah...

(Shut up lah..you ugly)

We ended up makan pukul 11 malam, kat rumah this diplomat, yang TV nya sebesar Kodak Billboard ittew. She was so down to earth, compare to that ex journalist. The ex journalist ber brok-brek-brok-brek, komplen tu komplen ni, and I said to her that her points and view is so valid she should consider writing a blog macam Raja Petir tu. The diplomat look at me and laugh.

Not only that her view on Malaysia and the politician annoys me, she keep pinching my meehon, macamlah aku nak share dengan dia. Tadi bila order, cakap tak nak makan...bila kita order, you pau I punya lak. Kiah...since when kita ni share our food kan?

In the end, I balik rumah pukul 2 pagi...for what supposed to be a 2 hours outing.

This morning, I left home at 5 am...and I'm still at work reading BNF book.

I will soon have a breakdown.

The point I also like to raise here is

a) Who is the designer for Raja Permaisuri Agung outfit? Alamak......takde orang ke perasan betapa tak seswai nya baju tu untuk Tuanku. You should just stick to kebaya or anything that Ruler's wife would wear conventionally. (Cakap macam ni, adakah I akan masuk ISA?)

b) Malaysian visiting abroad...aren't you suppose to be more postive about the country...bertambah sakit hati I you mengata Pak Mentua I tak jadi tu...haruslah kau nanti tak merasa makan deghoyan kat Bukit Chandan ittew

c) Just because it was officiated by the Queen (bukan Mak Ratu Sandrigham tu) and Al Fayed, does Malaysian Crafts have to be THAT expensive, when you know the quality akin to pasar payang brand, that Capt Lukman can export (or seludup via check in bag yang gabak tu) and promote with 70% off the price? Frankly speaking, Armani & Unknown Alan Yong Tau Foo, similar quality, similar price....I'm sure we will choose Armani.Hands down.

Isn't it about time the hire the proper marketing people to market Malaysia?

Update

Hari ni tadi I ada meeting (amboi, boi..kau ingat kau sorang aje kerja ber meeting-meeting?)

Ni kira tergempak punyalah...yang bangsa bagi notis 2 hari suruh kita tinggal anak laki misti masuk meeting.Pasal Makcik Pakiam.

Makcik Pakiam khabarnya telah menjalinkan hubungan part exchange dengan salah sorang patient kat unit dia kena tahan tu.That day dah tertangkap seludup ganja, pahtu...tertangkap dalam store room pulak, tempat cleaner simpan barang.Adeh, nak tiru Boris Becker lah ni...

That was the info I heard the last time I saw her. I innocently thought, okaylah...dia dah besar panjang, dah pernah berlaki, dah beranak pun...bukannya the last virgin on earth semua orang nak make a big fuss.I asked if she want to tell me about the man she is seeing, tapi disuruhnya I mind my own business. (okaylah..tapi kalau kau kena STD,HIV sok..janganlah nak keluar air mata darah lah ye?)

If I may share this, bekerja or berkawan dengan orang gila...hati misti sabar. Orang yang gila tak semestinya duduk sepital, ada jugak orang gila yang buat PHD. (uhukkkk) Gila can come into many shape or form.I have got into bad habit observing people...for the last 2 years, adalah sorang ni, perkhabaran macam bagus (rasa dia lah) tapi apa yang kita nampak macam desperado kongkang. Dia ni selalu jugak jadi bahan umpatan I, dalam sessi-sessi bermeeting bersama Dentist Bini Orang and Cik Alcoholic Anonymous.I have always feel that this is the low self esteem case, people who yearn for notification by telling you something opposite about them. Nak tunggu kita reassure lah tu.Sekali 2, takpelah..kalau dah selalu and menjadi bahan tontotan ramai....merasa kau kena umpat!

Speaking of which...I pun separa sewel, so nasib you all lah dok baca blog I.

The Gilas...be in in the secure unit of that kununnya prestige University yang masuk dalam top ten list...(eleh), description nya sama aje...dia sahajalah yang betul.Nak lawan tak guna. So bila Makcik Pakiam suruh I mind my own business, I pun kata..okaylah...I'm just asking. This is all part of your assessment, but I do respect your privacy (ko hingat aku suka ke nak tahu kisah kau mengongkek dalam store simpan baldi penyapu mop bagai tu?)

After few minutes pause, Makcik Pakiam terus cakap...I'm an adult you know, I can fuck who I like, who cares if I'm seeing him or not?

Okay..the fucking part is true. But if you are serious about your relationship with this man, yes we do care. You're very vulnerable woman, you've been in a abusive relationship...and we also have a duty to protect this man.Just like you, he is vulnerable.

What do you mean?

People in hospital because they need medical attention.People are very vulnerable when the're not well.

I'm not fucking crazy!!!

You're not, you just not thinking straight.That is because you can't think straight...you had a breakdown, remember?

What do you mean I'm not thinking straight? What fuck does that mean?

Smuggling drugs in the ward, smoking canabis when you're on very heavy Respiridal C, and shall I ask if you all wear protection? Why don't you tell me what is the common disease that involves sex and drugs?

Diam...terus marah dan berambus.

In the meeting, ghope-ghope nya, bukan setakat satu jantan aje yang dia melakukan perkongkekan haram...dia ada side business pulak you.

Dalam pada dia keluar buat recreational activity, sempat juga...dia berbisness.Kat tepi-tepi tong sampah, dalam toilet...sampai dia tertangkap oleh polis.Duit dia dapat tu, dia beli ganja.

Sekarang ni, semua orang diskus apa plan seterusnya nak dibuat dgn Makcik Pakiam ni.So they all tanya I...apa hasil perjumpaan I dengan Makcik Pakiam, and adakah I rasa dia akan jadi mangsa bila dia keluar sepital nanti?

I told the board..I blame Si Nurse Mugabe tu. Makcik Pakiam wasn't rebellious before...I dah kata, dia nak hisap ganja, biar dia hisap ganja...asalkan jgn overdose. Si Pasukan Mugabe tu ghope-ghope nya dah stop giving her her allowance, pasai diaorang takut dia stone...tapi, hah...bila ganja dah tak dapat langsung...mau tak naik syeikh Makcik tu?

Psychiatrist suruh I buat official complaint....I actually malas.Takut Mugabe dan kengkawannya buat susah kat I...mintak ID lah, sabotage meeting lah...

Tapi mulut dah terlepas kata kan? I'm writing the report, same time I type this posting...canggih sungguh priority ku.

I'm Not That Into You

Amid my busy schedule, I made time for Reading Prodigy.

This time, we met at Waterloo Station, so it was easier for both of us. I told him maybe next time impromptu visit to SW London is not advisable sebab I dah kena transfer kat Croydon. Area tempat I kerja, fuiyoooo....macam padang gagak padang terkukur! Apalah yang ada kat Croydon ni melainkan building Home Office yang mengerikan ittew..(mana passport kiewww?)

I was fashionably late...kononnya, so si Debab tu dah belikan I Cappucino and Carrot Cake. Gigih tu...but I thought kalau pun I chicken out, sure nya orang takkan ingat dia kena stood up, with his size, 2 coffees, 2 cakes...macam snacking ala kadar aje kan, Kiah?

I was quite blunt with him, he thought I was joking when I told him that I want to set a ground rules, that I don't want him to talk about his wife and their impending divorce settlement.But thanks to his early years living in UK, dia takdelah terasa hati but remarked on how he wish everything is very straightforward, referring to how I get my message across.

I told him about the PHD students in London that I come across and I still think our generation...ni set-set yang lahir early 70's ye...yang masuk MRSM (especially the one we are from...ehemm...ehemmmm) are the best. I think he was a bit taken aback when I mengata budak PHD, but he agreed that all academician should have other experience first so that they have broader mind. (Reading Prodigy was a specialist in his discipline before changing career)

I really am not going to bore you with more of that (kang orang kata, makji...you pehal..that day tak suka budak TKC, no ni you tak suka budak PHD pulak) Wehh..budak-budak, belajarlah jadi lighthearted, tak suka bukan makna benci you.

But Reading prodigy was a man with a plan.

Armed with lot's of information from sumber-sumber kawanku yang bermulut cam puaka...he begins his mission.

He asked if i'm seeing anyone.I could have answered him straight but macam biasa, I'll do my joke bangang like 'you mean now? Kan ke I'm seeing you ni'....kahkahkah!

You should know...I akan buat joke bangang bila I nervous. Reading Prodigy was making me nervous.Because his face was very straight...not ketat, not straight-acting.

I volunteered the information without the butter knife on my throat, I told him I was but now we are separated.He told me his informant told him that I am single.

Dengan bongkaknya....I'm single when I want to be...kahkahkah...gelak nervous.

Are you being single or you just single?

Kenapa pulak ni? (masa ni mulalah terpikir,teringat komen-komen you all dalam ini blog yang kata si JT/Reading Prodigy ni rasanya syiok dengan I)

So si Pakcik pun meluahkan perasaannnnnnn...................................

To cut the long story short, I did awarded him with a praise and credit. I told him that I would have been afloored if I am being pull like that. I always like a direct-to-you man.

But sadly,

1. My relationship just ended. From having someone (walaupun adakalanya menyampah gila) to having none. Bila dah takde kawan nak mengadu benda yang hanya boleh diadu to only your significant other, mulalah rasa nak nangis hari-hari.

2. How could I, after all his gory story aboit his marriage? Nak masuk mulut rasaksa ke aku?

3. This is the man who will not give a 2 hoot and anytime of the day kerna dok sibuk berchenta dgn gilpren lama masa sekolah dulu.Hamboiiii...kau dah bercanda dipasiran pantai dengan orang lain...pastu nak kat aku ye?

4. Nope..nothing to do with physique....but this is a guy with depression in denial. Never, never date a man who uses the statement of resignation e.g. ohhh, that's me, what can i/you do about it, i'm just a complex/complicated chap, i can't change i've tried. Believe me, when something goes wrong, rather than face it like a man, he will use this as an excuse to conceal his shortcomings.This type of man will never talk his problem but will point out your problem with him.You may as well kahwin/dating dengan buah nangka, ada jugak hasil.

5. A girl never want to deal with all the drama in the man's world

All this equals to....i'm not that into you.

We hug and exchange innocent kisses when we parted, but like any men, he said...please think about it.

Very charming.

Asal Bahagia

One of my facebook friend, semenjak 2,3 menjak ni dok menghupdate status nya dengan ayat-ayat yang sungguh mencurigakan.

Not that I care of course (eh apalah..kata don't care tapi dok umpat) but you know, sometime kita ni (I ni) yang life kurang gempak, terperasan jugak perangai-perangai orang and mulalah tertanya-tanya, to what extent people want to draw attention to themselves, although tak lah semuanya dilakukan secara sengaja...ye lah.Kenkadang kita lupa, Facebook kita tu tatapan ramai, kawan rapat, kawan tak rapat.

Last week, si Polan ni dah menukar statusnya from 'in a relationship' to 'married'. I know for a fact that sidia ni tak kawin lagi..tah-tah boipren pun takde, but sidia ni terkenal dari jaman pra university nya as the one yang suka buat gempak tak tentu pasal.

Dah le dia menggoreng sepuasnya, bantai taruk fakta-fakta tipu dalam profile nya, and pulak tu dia dengan musuh-musuhnya bantai bertikam lidah dalam wall, completely aware (or maybe not) that this is accessible for public viewing.

I was so bored one night (dah takde dah ex boipren nak di google) that ended up baca si polan ni punya wall.Perangai nya masih sama macam dulu...zaman-zaman hingusan tak nak kalah. We have lost contact for more than 10 years and thanks to Facebook, we got reunited.I wasn't keen at first, ye lah...ada pernah sekali I told her off and that's it.Telling people off is like gambling, where obviously the friendship is at stake.

But we just remain in each other friends lists, that's all for now. I (think) have changed so much over 10 years and she is still the same.

There's time I gatal gak nak tanya...oiii Cik, bila masanya kau dapat Master (LLM) ? Nak dapat LLB pun semput, tu pun nasib baik bapak hang kaya, tak pass NCUK hang pi buat private kat Wolves nunnn....

Bila masa nya kau ni berdarah kacukan Siam/Cina/Arab/European (harusssss)/tah hapa-hapa lagi campuran darahnya, when it is so obvious that bapak you tu set-set gang Mamak from Kedah?

Bila masa lak hometown you 'London', when you're only here for 4 years? Tu pun kat tempat area banyak Kelly tu...Awuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!

Tapi kan, dalam pada dia ni bagus untuk jadi topic mengumpat, I must admit that I do envy hedonist-hedonist macam dia ni. Compare tu I ni yang paranoid security-philic, OCD, bosan and stress manjang, she seems to be enjoying herself to the fullest, walaupun under the false pretences.

Tak apalah, asal dia bahagia.

p/s tetapi, ada jugak orang-orang ittew yang kononnya mempunyai intelligent conversation...tapi sebenarnya memualkan.Podahhh!!!

Hello Cik Sarip!

Please, Help (the people with) Dented (personality)

I was in Hull last week. Meriah you all....meriah. Makan meriah, ambik gambar meriah...buat ketupat pun meriah jugak!

Again, it is hard to compete dengan wanita-wanita sejati...they cooked, they cleaned and they do everything all women like moir supposed to be doing.

I opted for more butch role...bawak kereta. Yang tak sedapnya...bila we all kena divert masuk hutan kampung mana yang gulap gulita tu...the every single ladies yang dua orang tu bukaklah cerita hantu.Eh, you all takpelah tido berdua, yang I ni..tido sorang dalam bilik, merasa tidur dalam keseraman!

Being in Yorkshire will always be a nice experience for me, tak kisah lah mana-mana part of Yorkshire pun...but tetaplah Sheffield yang paling glamour sekali. (Sebab ada Def Leppard)

Back in London, I came across bunch of Malaysian students in Earl's Court Station when I was renewing my travel pass. There was this two tudung girls and a matured man.It is nice to see people take pride I what they do. but I tell you that this bunch is too nauseating for my liking.

I am not sure whether it was my anxiety of being the less pandai (saya ngaku la..saya tak pandai macam budak TKC yang dapat straight A's tu) one but the obsession about prestige etc (dah le awak tu biasiswa kerajaan) macamlah bapak dia yang bayar tuition fees.The content of their 'tak kena gaya' conversation biarlah I buat bahan gelak-gelak dengan Social Workers yang lain.

***Style, one must possess, okay?***

Or is this generasi Melayu baru datang oversea ke, Kiah? Not like us yang dah dikerah keluar ke kampung-kampung UK masa kita muda belia gittew?

So, to my friend Widanny, whom kerna chenta opted tak nak fly to UK tapi masuk UM instead. I must say that your quality is far,far better than the one I yang I jumpa kat sini.

To JT, menyampah gila with you aside, but his mentality is far better than that Pakcik PHD.

Dan saya....nak lari tutup muka.

Ciao.

P/s Kiah, andai kata lah kau berubah selepas dapat head damage, kita putus affair, okay?

Lagu Cinta

I got a request, asking me to change the music playlist.

Amboiii..boi...berani ye, suruh orang tukar-tukar?

The song by Chrisye is one of my late ex boyfriend punya favourite, and of course lah, lagu itu ditujukan kat I ni.

See, I ni bercinta zaman-zaman Walkman.That time, lovers trade songs. Asal lagu sedap aje, dedicate, asal sedap aje mulalah buat mixed tape.Tu bila time cinta bahagia.

Bila cinta mula menjadik puaka, mulalah cari lagu...jangan kau hujani ku dengan pertanyaan...or everything Chris Vadham lah...Adam Ahmad lah, and pakat-pakat nangis macam nak pengsan bila tengok pilem Sora Kekasih...., ini sebuah kisah cinta....meeeeeeeeengapa dunia kejammmm pada mereka yang bercinta.Wah!

Budak-budak sekarang ni, at the height of their love story bantai buat video lucah lah, ambik gambar masa tak pakai baju lah...anything incriminating untuk dibuat insurance masa sakit hati (kesian kau Elizabeth Wong)

My late ex was a musical person. He always come up with songs that has a meaningful lyrics.I am such a low maintenance girlfriend that one mixed tape silenced all the bad treatment.Dia lupa janji, dia lupa birthday...semuanya dimaafkan.His mixed tape for me was a symbol that my boyfriend do care and realise that I exist.

Orang lain dapat more than that, I never would compare.Orang lain boipren telepon hari-hari and my boipren telepon I bila dia bosan takde menda nak buat.Pun hati tetap chentaaaaa.

Before he died, he made me a mixed CD. To my surprise, he remembers everything.Every songs he ever dedicated to me (or bila dah terlepas, barulah you memulas pala hotak mengingat benda lama ye?)

Kangen was one of them. He left UK a year before me, kununnya to prepare for us.This was dedicated to me after he left and lagu nilah yang I dok pasang hari-hari, yang I dok dengar hari-hari dalam bus No.80 from Flat Street to the Uni.

So, I suggest to you yang mintak I tukar lagu tu...as much as lagu ni membosankan you, this song really mean something to me.

Nearer the time, I shall upload more After 7 songs, also our favourite.

Ta.