About Me

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year

This Two Youngsters Play A Beautiful Violin In The Street Of Newmarkt,Cologne

To all,Happy New Year.I hope yours was better than mine.Mine was alright even though it was a total low key.I was with Frankie and the mother. As we did not see each other on Christmas Day (yeah..yeah) we thought that it would be best (yes, we speaking now) if we meet and exchange our gifts and talk things through...kunun-kununnya nak leave the bad past behind and start anew on 2007. Hujan lebat pulak kat London hari ni. Earlier, I agreed to babysit Baby Sam again today because mak nya nak prepare for the dinner party. Since I tak buat apa-apa, babysitting seems to be a fun option to kill time and the extra money. Anak orang putih ni baik-baik (yang ini lah...tak tahulah pulak anak orang lain) What I did was melayan budak kecik tu bergelak ketawa.That for £60, such an easy job for an easy money. People keep asking what are my plan.Senyum senyum aje.My office mate jenuh mengajak. Liza dengan Lou pun ajak...I macam cuak-cuak hati pulak nak berparty bagai.Maklum lah Hari Raya. Hari Raya Korban pulak tu. Rasa macam bersalah aje nak toast-toast for New Year. Saddam pun baru kena gantung (apa pulak kena mengena ni?) Nak kata I ni staunch Muslim, tak adalah.Yang bangsa ketuk-ketuk pintu rumah orang ajak bersembahyang tu jauhlah sekali.Sembahyang pun bermusim.Kalau musim rasa banyak dosa,masuk waktu aje terus angkat wuduk.Tapi bila datang musim syaitan...tak payah tanyalah if dah sembahyang ke belum.

As at 5pm, I memang nak duduk rumah, lepak depan TV and baca buku.I tengok muka Ketot macam takde mood.I know she would rather go to party rumah kawan si Lee tu. Rumah yang dia nak pergi kat Vauxhall malam ni ada anjing.Tu yang dia tak rajin tu.Tapi nak buat macam mana,tak kan nak bergaduh pulak malam-malam New Year ni.Dalam pada duduk diam-diam tu,Frankie pulak call.I tanya dia kat mana, dia kata dia kat rumah mak dia and they would love it if I can come.It will be cruel to abandon/ignore your spouse at time like this.I don't think very hard.I just did.I drove all the way down to Worthing.Braving the the M25 and M23 dalam hujan-hujan lebat tu.Gelap lak tu.Semuanya untuk Sayangku Si Tua itu.

It took an hour to get there usually, on a normal weather condition and regular traffic.Because it was pissing rain,it almost cost me about 2 hours.Traffic was okay,not heavy as anticipated.Ye lah.M23 kan ke jalan nak ke Brighton? I was imagining that orang berpusu-pusu nak sambut New Year kat Brighton.Tapi, jalan lapang takde ramai orang.

I took the opportunity of being alone in the car to ponder back the year that is ending.No stereo on.It was total me time.I keep thinking about the new life that I just embarked on.The fight we had were sometimes too horrible to even think about.People say a good relationship doesn't mean you never argue.I am a very selfish person. I come to realised that I value my own space too much and making an effort over something that don't quite fit me is annoyingly difficult.I tried and keep trying.Every time we argue and said horrible things to each other, I would cry and convince myself to end it.It isn't working well and I best get out of it sooner rather than later.But feelings are not clothing that wears.It stays.When come to a time like this, I always think about Sam.I never stop thinking about him.What it would be like if....but I know it didn't.So I better not flatter myself about that 10 year long love story that end bitterly for me.

A lasting union according to the expert (tak habis-habis quote cakap orang) is a result from a couple ability to to resolve conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.My conflicts came from many forms; I used to think it was my commitment to my family.But really, my conflicts is myself. I'm pretty much independent from my family. I glad there's no more pressure, in fact it was almost never a pressure apart from when I was at school. It is just I feel lot closer to them now that we are physically far.

In many,many ways, I feel very guilty. All along I was hurting Frankie.There's a part of me that I am unable to let go.While driving I wonder what was the part that is hard to detach.Most of my close friends (takde lah ramai pun) are single.I know why.My idea of my union wasn't the conventional one at first (or so I thought) It was more on conforming security apart from sayang like nak gila.My dating days has gone.I can still remember who I dated, what went wrong and why it ends.

Me and my partner are such a similar idiots.I really think you should find a partner of an opposite quality because you will tolerate theirs and they will endure yours.And you learn from each other silliness.I thought mine was perfect.I still think it.

The only think that I can think about me that is so stupid that need changing is my obsession with wanting to be perfect.What is perfect then? I don't even know.My definition of perfect is if it something that fit my world.Even if it is less perfect in others, it will be fine if its fits mine.

In the end,by wanting to stay sane and perfect, I celebrated my New Year with Frankie and mak dia yang dah berumur 83 tahun tapi masih active main Sodoku tu. Not is so many spoken words, we hope that our lives will get better in the New Year.I hope that too.

What is my resolution? To eat more fibre foods,drink more water and exercise regularly supaya piles itu tak akan datang lagi.


Goddess Selene said...

Happy New Year to you Han, tula in relationship is never perfect. In fact mak tak pernah la pulak dengar org kata dia punya relationship is perfect. Its always ups and downs but its depends on how we handle it. Its all about 2 person to make the relationship to work and it also takes alot of effort. I just wish you both all the best!! Forget the past now welcome the future... Am sure you both still have hopes on eachother so cherish of what you already have instead of distroying it. Muahhhh.....

p/s: i think you both just have to be "flexible".. go and think of it!

Lee Novotny said...

Ntha..mak nak cakap apapun mak dah dinch hui...even Avang pun dok tanya mak "Han tuh masih ngan Frankie lagikah"...dia pun naik felik..hmmm (tapi takdelah dia tanya mak dlm bahasa Melayu... kalau benar, it's a miracle!!)

It's true what Dewi said: forget the past and think of the future... which I am sure u do; now that u both seem like trying to reconcile and be good with each other. BUT will Frankie be able to accept your friends?? (I still cant believe teh things she said about your KB kat umah ittew!! What have they done so bad to make Frankie said that???)

Anyway, Happy New Year u ols..mak takde resolution sebab I dun believe in one :) Nak quit smoking, mak tak smoking. Nak quit makan lemang, are u kidding???? Hiks....

Han said...

Lee, resolution tu tengoklah tahan berapa lama.Hot hot chicken shit aje tu.

Susah nak cakap...ikut hati nak tinggal tapi,I ni cepatlah pulak lembut hati.It is no longer cut and dry relationship.I wish it was so simple.

Ibu Ratu mcm Trisha lah pulak....sujudsss sujudsss.

lekiu said...

Fights are inevitable in a relationship. Maybe you guys could set some ground rules in settling differences of opinion. Jangan ungkit citer lama, jangan maki hamun, jangan say horrible things, no personal insults.. the point must be clear, which is to reach an understanding and a solution. If not, to agree to disagree on an issue.

From your episodes with Frankie it would seem you have so much feelings for one another. No one will understand what you guys have.

The fact that you guys are still together walaupun gaduh tahap dewa-dewi must surely mean that there must be some underlying strength in your relationship unknown to others apart from the 2 of you.

Here's hoping that the new year will usher in happier times for you and frankie.

Han said...

Wise words LeQ....tengkiu

Belladonna said...

Nok, aku ni bukan lah doktor love.. but dengar dari cara ko cakap pasal ur better half, nampak sangatlah korang ini sebenarnya passionate abt each other. 2 x 5 = 10 gamaknya :)

Sometimes geram jugak ngapain lu masih sama cowok ittew? But only u know and understand frankie really well :) Psst...kan cinta tu mysterious

Dengan ittew, gue mendoakan semoga tahun baru ini membawa seribu rahmat to both of you and mintak2 dijauhkanlah dari piles keparat ittew :)