About Me

Saturday, January 20, 2007

I Need Your Ears

Sudah,sudah.Tak mau discuss pasal racism lagi.Buat punca bertengkar aje.In fact,millions out there have gone gut for gutters owing to this issue.Thanks to Jade Goody,Danielle Tahsapasapa & Jo SClub 7.But If I may,it is all emerged from a massive lack of vanity with brain that is a same size as cashew nut.We must now learn to forgive their disability.They got annoyed,they argued,they said stupid things that shouldn't be said in the national television,Jade was booted and we are now happy.End of.

Well, I hardly ever have Saturdays to myself and let alone post a story in my blog.But since I lose my temper and partner decided not to see me (and it's Frankie's loss), I am now in there house,breakfasting roti canai and now typing away on my VAIO laptop (motive berkompang?) and try to have fun as much as I like.

Did I tell you that I suspect that I have a autistic tendency? Yes, I think I do and I realised this 4 years ago since I started working with the Social Care Services.I observed my clients from head to toe, making analysis of their behaviour and work out a way for all of us to live together or not, to keep them out of abnormality that could endanger them and others.When doing this, I notice some similarities between me and some of them.And I analysed.Analysing is not a highly respected profession,in fact,it came with loads of dirty looks and corrugated forehead from people that speaks millions nasty words like hey, kau takde kerja lain ke...!!

At first, I was worried that since there is a similarities, will it mean that I too, have a worrying behavioural disorder? You know lah, some time you often wonder, eh why did I do that? Why did lose my temper like that, what was I thinking at that time...kind of thing.As much as we want to excuse it to a momentarily insanity that when you think about it, happened quite a lot (in my case lah) but when it happened rather regularly,you will started to think that somewhere somehow,there is something in you that can't help the way you behave,because somehow it register right in your brain as the right thing to react or behave when that moment occur.

But luckily,the more you analyse,the more you come to comprehend that things are normal.In my clients case,it appears as such an alarming behaviour because their incapacity to control and to understand their behaviour is largely affected by their learning disabilities.But stop there!! All human have learning disabilities,and it is distinguish by the length of severity.That's explained the repetitive mistakes and all those unidentified madness (speaking of switching a husband to a roommate in a bengang mode)

One in many of autistic tendency is one with autism can only understand what is presented to them rather than spoken to them.The hardest one to work with is with their comprehension to changes.Most cases of my past clients suicide are due to this.We ourselves sometimes find it difficult to take changes in life.Whatever that may be.My life changed greatly since I decided to leave everyone behind.I'm pretty much certain that I'm likely to be alone all the way forward and for that,I misses my past.I spoke to my therapist about my fear of living alone but still unconsciously building up this defence of not wanting to feel hurt.

I have this client who have not seen her family in ages.Part of it to do with her vulnerability and now,she is showing the sign of distress.I can feel that she is missing them but the behaviour that she exhibit hardly translating what she genuinely feels apart from the obvious message that she is stressed.I have shown a significant amount of 'madness' lately ni.I think I know why.I have not been calling my family since Aidilfitri.But I do send them postcard and presents,one way of telling my father that I'm still breathing.I get very lonely at times.I never tell other people apart from you who are reading and my therapist that I really miss my mother.I know what most people will say if I tell them this.Call her lah, if you rindu.But I didn't.I wanted to, but I don't think I can. If you know why and then,you'll understand.It is so hard after many many years or forming a defence from your own feelings.This is a habit that cannot just break just like that. Call it stupidity.The truth is, it is hard to explain.

I can't thank you enough for listening.


lara said...

dear han

i used to call it "indifference", but it is really what you termed as "defence from own feelings" - just something that stops me from going back to where i'll get hurt again

Han said...

True, Lara.Out of 100% things that can hurt,85% is really close to home.I have been away from 'home' for a long,long time.To want to return back to normality is like going to to where I was still 12.Lots has changed since then.


Belladonna said...

Makji, takpelah..biarlah Pakji merajuk. Bo layan sajork. Maybe Pakji tengah pekena kopi kat kedai. Kang dia sejuk dia baliklah tu :)

Emm, i have the same probe too. Wanting to say hi to them (esp. to my grandpa), but bila nak dial number/beli air ticket.. ada je voices in my head suruh aku fikir 2,3 kali. The voices said "if you dont wanna get hurt, better dont do it".

Aku rasa problem aku cuma aku concern/rindu my grandpa je. The people who hurt me tu yang jadi spoiller. Semuanya guarding him jadi barrier.

But anyway, berapa tahun je life span memasing so let's try to make the best yang kita mampu. Biarlah 'sakit' a few more years Screw all the batu penghalang :)

p/s: Makji dah jumpa tiket? Hihihihi

lekiu said...

I wholeheartedly agree, if anyone can hurt you deep, it is "family".

I also agree about what you commented Han, wanting to return back to normality is like going back to my childhood. A place I definately do not want to revisit.

Funny how much emotional scar each of us carry and we thought in time it would heal when all it does is just build up resentment, at least on my part.

Han said...

Hayaaaa....melompat cacing-cacing yd dok kat dalam tin.Thanks BellQ & Associates,however,I start sensing that I may have transmit a wrong info.My family are the loveliest ppl on earth.My resentment now is somehow I feel that I was let off to grow up prematurely, and for that I'm very angry.There is a lot of wrong things in ways that I look/search for things...and it all to make up for something that I was lacking when I was growing.But, I have forgave myself and 'them'.The nasty thing is, though I thought I have moved on from 'that',reality is I haven't.That will explain why I still have that 'shield'.Jahat kan?

Bella,Makji dah tak kuasa nak melayan Pakji yg meroyan itu.Daripada Makji sakit kepala, baik energy Makji ni disalurkan kepada menyapport Arsenal yg akan melawan Man U petang ni...hah..ambik kau!!!

:: samasam :: said...

alaaaa mak aji, i lama x tagg kat blog u. latelykan i bz banget seh. i keja manala ngadap2 pc internet segala deknon, i kena mengadap customer2 dan client2 i itu 8 jam sehari, nak nak sekrg i kena buat corporate unit sahsahla i kena kuar selalu utk jumpa org2 gomen, library etc utk buku2 baru..then balik keja kan bukannya leh bukak laptop terus uols, nak online ala2 kena tgu turn nak guna internet sbb wirelessrusak, wayarla jadik rebutan... then dpt wayar mek kena lak wat2 assgn dulu bagai barula leh browse2 kat umah kwn2 semua....gituhhhhhla citernya..

mek dah baca entry2 uols itu ...x masuk yg ini lagik ..tp xpe, mek akan komen segala2 nya nanti ok? ... mak x kekwat taw...

ok nah? daaaaa....

p/s- malam tadik mek mimpi mek dpt willy mug mcm hajah lee tuhla...apa maknanya ek?