About Me

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A Girl Got To Work It Out

I am lucky enough to have a safety net, by having a personal therapy on a weekly basis...(not to mention that I have to pay £35.00 per session to have my shit rendered to this person) This is a standard practice for me and other that doing the same kind of job like me (not the mengular bit..not that Hjh Esah bit) to discuss the difficult issues thrown up to us by our patients with more experience predecessor.I like to tell you more about this man that I'm having a therapy with,how,that was a time once upon a month ago,I intrusively told him about my fantasy of him.Macam celaka.But I got over that now.I supposed, sometimes, we all have that 'things' in our head that tak reti duduk diam and will start to wonder all sort...like...emm..how is it feel to have sex with this person..sha..na..na...(hello, not only me yeah)
I told this man of what I thought about one of my patient that I think is a Biggest Drama Queen of all time.I don't know why, but I'm very critical of him and I am very surprised of my hostility of him. I hated this man gut so much, I never mentioned him in my blog, pasalnya, we had 15 session of him giving me the ear bash of his cheating wife. The work (between me and him) failed miserably.His anger towards her tormented my sensitivity.I really hated him.
My therapist, being a wise old man he is,acknowledge my anger as part of the occupational hazard but he asked, perceptively, if anything else might be going on like 'What does this man mean to you'. Obviously, he was trying to get something that can lie behind many disagreement, feuds and conflicts, and consume massive amounts of our time and energy: sometimes, we think we are fighting one thing,but, unknown to us, we are actually at war with someone or something that is completely different.
Oh yeah, my own personal teraphy session is every Monday.Surprisingly, yesterday,I don't talk about him.I told my therapist that I think I know why I hated him.Because he is a cheat and somehow, he managed to cheat his way out of it and making him look like the cheated one.As much as he want to 'talk himself out' of his despair of having cheated his wife, it is very apparent that he is emotionally bullying her.He can't forgive himself and to make himself feel better,he transformed his despair into being the cheated one.Babi.
When I am angry with my ex, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm better off without him as he cheated on me big time.Clashing with that anger is my feelings for him and until now I don't know what it is.Why was I angry? This thing never rest.I am not with him anymore and he should by now, is long forgotten.I re analysed that burning moment when he told me that he is marrying someone else.Apart from the cheater, rationally, you would want to kill the other person that he is cheating on you with.But in my case, the other woman was never a threat.In fact, she was completely blank from the equation. Of course, I only found out their affair after a year, itupun sebab dia sendiri yang bagitau.
The question of forgiving him for his affair was never come up.(not that he ever apologise pun) But if he does, I'm sure, if you love someone so much, you will have that soft spot to forgive.But affairs can be forgiven but rarely forgotten and people have affair for all sorts of reasons...dissatisfaction, wanting to leave, not being able to commit, curiosity, feeling inferior; and differences of need, to just name a few. My ex boyfriend affair of course, came as an earth-shattering shock, but what about the issues which lie dormant for years before reaching their dramatic denouement?
I am a boring girlfriend. That much I know, and I know why he was with me. In fact, after many years or less, I can tell why men would want to have me as a partner.That is probably why I have 3 proposals.I'm more a pengikut setia type. And with my current partner, I just switch from pengikut setia to penderhaka.That is why you have read a lot about our stupid fights.
This man (that I hated) is like me.As a woman, you can have a male version of you.And I think, he is it.I would hate me if I am my partner.I am such a boring, boring person.The reason why I hated this man is as the same reason why I hated my past relationship...alaaa..yang 10 years takde makna tu...the big part of it is my fault.But did I really see it as my fault? Not really.Because of that, this man is still going to be in my hit list for a very,very long time.
Now you know the reason why people hate other people.There is something about that other people they hate that is reminding them about the thing that they hate in them.Wah...very the confusing.

1 comment:

Lee Novotny said...

Nok absolutely what I am thinking as well...anything that we don't like about other people's behaviour, actually banda yg kita tak suka tu mmg ada dalam diri kita!!!

Tapi I am trying to teach myself to accept other people's poor qualities, after all, they are all part of our life neverending experience!

p/s sabar nok dlm menjalani kerja kerja career harian u ols....