Another Melt Down

There is this channel that keep playing the old episodes of Sex In The City back to back and one after another.This is just great for someone who has autistic tendency like me,in a sense of suka tengok benda berkali-kali.Care to ask how many time I have watched sitcom 'Friends',movies like Forrest Gump,While You're Sleeping and GIA? Sungguh memalukan,but itulah reality nya.Nampak sangat takde life kan?

Apparently they were showing the episode where Miranda was about to give birth to baby Brady and inadvertantly spoiled Carrie's very expensive shoe that she wore on her last date with Big.While some people loves the sex,scandals and others suggestive innuendos,what really interest me in this series was Big and Carrie relationship.I believed we all know what happened in the end when they both eventually be together.I have always like the complications.You can see from the start that there is this infectious attraction between them.I was happy when the thing with Aidan didn't work out.She has always fancy Big.Something of Big that isn't available in anyone else.What was it wasn't precisely explained but you can see why Big was very different from the men that dated Carrie.He is somewhat special, in between those bad antics and only Carrie can see the special side of him.

I often think that my first boyfriend and Big were similar.He was this man that keep breaking my heart but still the one that once I was so in love with.Honestly,when my head goes idle,I think about him.There was a time when there's nothing in my head but him and I think of him stronger.People say that if you have this very strong inkling about somone,there is a great possibility of that someone is also thinking about you.That maybe explain yesterday's email. In this case,what people say seems very true to me.People that I think about strongly often does thinking about me. My available proof is Frankie.When I was in Germany and suddenly feel very sad,at the other end of England, someone was very tearfully missing me.

It is so unbelievably scarry that you seems to have a strong 'thing' for those who have the tendency to hurt your feeling. I do. Nak kata gila,its look like an emotional adventure. To see how far your dignity can withstand the stupidity. From what you have read, my love life could appear to be in tatters.Not forgetting the fact that I am also capable of becoming a drama queen,those emotional abuse (if appears to be based on my over melodramatic picturesque of our run ins) but can you still see why many people still return/stay on with their abusive ex? In many of my counselling session,the victims usually honestly admitted that part of the reason why are they still with their monsters is because they can't face starting over again with a new person.They said that they know the partner too well and often making excuse for them,reasoning out their abusive behaviour and those abuse is merely their abuser's way of showing their 'excessive' love.To much love can kill kan? Macam tu lah. Macam mana teruk kena pelangkung pun,majority the the pelangkungee will take back the pelangkunger.The easy explanation for them is probably is better the devil they know than a new devil.

This girl back in Subang Jaya I know, was raped by her dad.Eventually he was jailed for 20 years.This girl move on and married a very nice man.She told me how her mother loathed her for 'damaging' their family and vow to take him back whenever he is release from jail.Celaka kan? But that is cruelly stupid.Bad enough you were mentally abused by the sick betrayal (hubby ploughing about) and the fact that the other woman is your own daughter,how can you even think to take him back? Kalau aku, buat vodoo je, bagi mati terus.

But again,human feelings is hard to question and judge.I think the reason why we endure it is because the hurt doesn't involves anyone but ourselves.I told Frankie (konon marahlah..nak bagi ultimatum) of how I now feel very uneasy of selalu sangat kena suruh keluar rumah if we argue. I feel very distant and I'm scared. Scared that this might be a permanent damage that eventually can't be fix. We did this psychological test and the result turned up to be that I am a lot nicer.Frankie cakap kat I test result dia sungguhlah memalukan and now dia ingat because of perangai buruknya tu,it brought up the worst in me...(sambil nengyatimah).Pasal tu I pun jadi berperangai jugak.

Emmmm.......ye ke? Ye lah kot.And my hati cair lah untuk kesekian kali nya.