My Notes

You are about to separate, breaking up or worst filing for a divorce. Not good. Especially when the reason you marry and become together is to be forever. But, you can't help it if things that you had hoped would change but it didn't.

When you were courting, you know somehow that you are not entirely happy. With that person...with the situation. But you have invested so much time and love...and at one stage you feel that you can live and you can't function alone. You needed to be together. Together, you will solve everything. Together..what feels wrong can eventually be right. Will it?

What made the person change? What made the situation change? Why are they not the same person we know, or has it always been like it that we are too in love to take notice? Or...we fell in love for a wrong reason? That we were so fed up being alone or we were hoping to leave and discard bad memories behind?

When things reached to crunch, we are forced to make decision. We gave the person everything...we are hoping that the person will be with us in this together, and become the dependable one. The reason why we are together because we don't want to be alone.

We are tired of working things out. We are tired of hoping that things will change. The person will apologise endlessly and promise things will get better.

You made your decision...and like always, the irony is...the real regret only emerged after ties is severed.

I am sorry...but I have tried. I have loved you so, so much. We never wanted to change and unconsciously, we have stop trying. Apology will not warrant a better relationship. It just hides away problems temporarily.

There will always be something that I love about you, but I am sorry that is all it is ever going to be.

JT's News

Masa I balik KayHell bebaru ni....ada jugaklah peminat setia I yang dok menanya pasal JT. Masalah nya, I pun tak berapa nak tahu sangat apa perkembangan Mat Kembang tu since our last coffee date. I hardly work in Twickenham anymore since I pun dah macam tak berminat nak menyambung kerja-kerja locum dengan government sebelah West itu.

Pastu...adalah jugak I terdengar sosek-sosek yang JT dok mengata I dengan kawan I jugak. Talking about men and gossips...dah tahu nak mengata aku, yang kau gi brokbrek kat kawan-kawan kita jugak, pehal? Tak ke you pikir yang cerita tu akan balik kat I jugak? And another thing with men yang suka bergossip ni, when they have gossipped about people...they pretend to act so vulnerable in front of their victim...macam..eh..bukan I la... that's not what I've said and mati-matilah mengatakan yang sipembawa khabar tu salah dengar...(meaning..orang lain la yg dengar tak betull..kau tu cakap betul..podah la)

Apparently JT now idok le keseorangan kat Reading nun, setelah tibanya another ex schoolmate dengan lakinya datang buat PHD kat Uni yang sama. Tapi yang tak best nya...kawan I yang dari taktau apa-apa tu...dah diganggu gugat kehidupannya oleh JT. Bad enough dia menyakitkan hati, mata dan telinga ku, si pompuan nan sorang ni..terpaksala la ni menadah telinga mendengar rintihan perantau kacau-bilau si JT ni...

I tell you lah kan...nasib baik budak Beseri batch 7 ada 3 orang je (yang I tahu laa...so if you are and nearby, owned up la...boleh kita buat reunion...sambil I dengan my fren ni nak transfer responsibility kat you all) kat area West ni...so between I dengan ini pompuan..yang akan ku namakan Zila Bukan nama sebenar...we all dah tahu yang JT tu duda bercerai dgn bini nya...yang bininya has intention to take him to the cleaners (Oih..JT, hang ingat hang tu Datuk Effendi Nawawi ke?) that he has made a worst mistakes in his life and how Amira Bukan nama sebenar (his ex gf, chenta agung dari MRSM) telah menodai kesucian chenta nya dan berkawin lain kat US nun.

I tanya Zila...did he told you about the pasu Sarawak? Zila said he did...and also the tuntutan hak penjagaan keatas pinggan mangkuk jenama tahapa-hapa yang dikemukakan oleh JT. With Zila, we mengumpat, what sort of man, who..dah le nak blah..nak tinggal bini..takde pun nak bagi ample notice, the fact that he is likely to be here for more than 3 years, apa kejadah dia nak buat dengan pasu and pinggan mangkuk (hayun) tu?

Cerita terkini nya...they have now bercerai talak satu...done and dusted. He is quite bitter with the fact that he has to pay a large sum of nafkah edah...but apparently, cerita yang Zila BNS dengar dari kawan-kawan kat Kayhell, the Tok Kadi sort of told him off about his reluctance to give in to harta sepencarian request by the wife. The Tok Kadi (ke hakim?) said..yes, I know..you are the main earner..the sole breadwinner, but I am sure you know what you signed yourself into when you take her as a wife...and your wife is entitled to what she earned into the marriage as well. JT dengan bongkaknya cakap kat Tak Hakim tu, she don't earned enough to pay the mortgage and the car and if you can see, those were under my name. Tok Hakim asked...apalah sumbangan isteri kamu? Tak tahu katanya...mungkin barang-barang keperluan rumah, makan sikit-sikit..tapi saya yang bayar semua. Tok Hakim said..baik, since kamu pun dah berkira dengan dia, jadi tak salah lah dia nak minta bahagian dia dalam rumahtangga kamu...hatta duit sayur sekali pun. Kamu pun makan jugak ikan,sayur yang dia beli dengan gaji dia yang kamu kata tak banyak mana tu kan? JT menjawab..dia tak pernah menyumbang dalam pembayaran rumah itu, Tuan. The Hakim said, itu awak pergi mahkamah sivil, buat tuntutan sewa rumah tak berbayar lah. Jangan lupa kemukakan resit dan kontrak sewa. Hambikkkk kau jantan!

Zila said, his own lawyer must have told him off, and pressed him into not contesting more than he should.But JT tak makan saman...although, technically he is within his rights to claim back all his safekeepings...but, muka tak tau malu dengan bini pun nak berkira, macamlah bini dia gi sapu licin duit dia tu. In the end, the Hakim awarded the wife 20% of his earnings for 6 months and 20% of the value of the house and she may collect what is hers in the house. JT of course la tak puas hati...but Zila BNS and the hubby told him, biarlah dia nak licin kan rumah you pun..you are not there anyway...but apparently in between after the divorce proceeding, JT has managed to get PDRM to stop and to reclaim harta-hartanya yang berupa perti sejuk, ketuhar gelombang mikro dan TV flat screen nya. Isk....malu nya I dengar!

Zila BNS cakap dengan I, the pahat tetap berbunyi hinggalah sekarang...but Zila BNS being a wanita melayu terakhir as she is, idok le nak pi sound si Pakcik tu. Malah dia dan lakinya cuba menjadi radio teman setia anda mendengar luahan rasa JT yang kalau I lah...mesti dah keluar dah ayat-ayar chenta lagi puaka yang macam ni

-----> Macam ni lah...boleh tak kau record kan cerita kau dlm CD ke DVD, so kalau aku boring ke nak hafal script, aku boleh pasang kat radio aku sendiri. Tak jumpa over lunch ke, dinner ke nak dengar cerita sedeyyyy kau tu.

-----> Eh, bukan kau dah bagitahu aku cerita ni, 119 kali ke?

Ada banyak la lagi...but I'm sure you can come out with more nasty one.

Tapikan....cerita hal cerai-berai ni, idok la menyakitkan hati I sangat (sakit la gaks..but takde la sampai tak lalu makan kan, Kiah?) Zila BNS kata...JT pun ada jugak mengompang pasal I. Ehhhh?

Ni yang aku hanginnnnnnnn ni.

Bersambung.

p/s KIah, I know this is published late..but....bukan ke lebih baik kau puji inisiatif diriku untuk ber blog, walaupun aku sibuk/mabuk berchenta ni?

Amaran Kerajaan Baru UK

I am writing this while I am still at work. I have to tell you that...I ni jarang sungguh membuat kerja-kerja tak bermoral seperti ini (menghapdate blog diwaktu memakan gaji) but...sementelah FB adalah dibenarkan dan salah satu daripada cara saya berhubungan dengan orang (bukan katak), saya adalah terdedah kepada anasir-anasir yang bisa meng induce sakit hati melampau.


Too bad (unless I ni dari kuwarga hendia yang boleh pilih menantu pakai catalogue) we can't choose who we will be related with.


I am quite traditional in terms of forming relationship. Meaning (if I ever get this right...) kalaulah kita nak berkawan ke berkawin with people with low level of consanguinity dengan kita...bukan ke kita patut mempamerkan sikap jatidiri yang comel? As in, kalau boipren/gilpren kita nak kenalkan kita dengan makpak or kakbang nya, bukanke kita ni kalaulah boleh...ambik crash course from ladette to lady something like that lah..kan?


Adalah sorang budak pompuan ni....nak kata sekolah tak tinggi...boleh la. Mula-mula jumpa...tak nak make effort pun nak berkenalan dgn bakal kak ipau nya. (ke kak ipau yang sombong?) But..dalam sombong-sombong kak ipau yang sorang ni, perasan jugak la yang bakal adik ipau tu kureng sikit ceciri kemalu-malu an nya..yakni..kalau datang bertandang 1st time umah makpak boipren you, idok ke..kalau tak nak volunteer basuh pinggan mangkuk, kau bawak lah buat moktan setangkai ke se plestik ke kan? Tidak.....kau bawak karipap kau saja...dan juga telepon bimbit kau yang berbunyi setiap sepluh menet tu.


Kau boleh pulak dok atas kusi sambil pose-pose Donatella Versace sambil makan kuih. Pastu..tanpa menghiraukan orang lain..kau hambik kesempatan lak menyambung episode dating dengan sibudak lelaki tu...didalam umah makbapaknya!


I remember when the deadman memula introduce I kat mak and adik pompuan nya...dihari konvo, I punyalah tertib mengalahkan penari ballet. Orang tanya sepatah, I jawab sepatah...kalau bersalam dengan mak sidia tu cium tangan you...tunduk macam kepala berat 20 kilo...jalan macam Puteri Cirebon Jaipong lagi. Senyum jangan cakaplah....nak dapat approval punya pasal (last-last anak jantan makcik kawin dengan bohsia Kuala Selangor gak, makcik)


I sent my MIL-to-be-tak-jadi postcard gambo Lady D lah..gambo Bakingem Palace lah..gambo Big Ben lah..not forgetting little souvenirs yang boleh masuk dalam envelope, tu dia punyalah nak ambik hati.


And majority people I know did the same. The 1st impression is the 1st hurdle. Walaupun mak boipren kita tu idok la sebaik mana, ada pulak yang selamba aje mengomen pilihan anak jantan mereka didepan bebudak pompuan tu...as if anak jantan dia tu Prince William. Ada satu case yang I takleh lupa...my fren ni anak datuk you, but so down to earth. So she was introduced to her boipren's mum. nak jadi cerita, anak jantan makcik ni bakal loyar githoo...and this girl, had to repeat her final paper tah hapa pasalnya....so makcik dengan kaw-kaw nescafe tarik terus tarukkk ini pompuan anak Datuk yang kununnya dia tak responsible, periksa dah fail and tak sepadan dengan anak jantan nya. This anak Datuk terus terkuciwa, merasa dia telah di hena oleh bakal mak mertua nya. And this makcik boleh pulak pi cakap kat this girl anak Datuk, mak bapak awak tahu tak awak ada boipren ni??? vah,vah, vah!!!!!


Kebetulan, parents this girl yakni Datuk/Datin ada kat Sheffield masa tu nak visit anak pompuan diorang plus nak lah jumpa for the 1st time bakal menantu (si jantan anak makcik berlagak ni..) Hah kau...terdiam makcik tu bila on the spot dapat tahu yang sipompuan ni anak Datuk/Datin ni...


I don't know what happened to the couple in the end, but some years ago, I nampak kat Majalah Mona, ada gambau kawin this girl dgn another anak Datuk jugak..(so, padan lah muka kau Makcik oiiii!)


So, back to this girl yang sadly, menjadi pilihan adik ku jugak untuk dibuat bini. Dah jadi bini tu pun satu...with world latest technology with many disadvantages...aku telah dipaksarela menjadik kawannya alam pesbuk itu.


Dan bermulalahhhhhhhhh adegan-adegan yang boleh mengakibatkan muntah darah yang kronik...tak pun, perputusan sedara via pesbuk. Hish..memang nak jadi sangat dah ni. Bebaru ni, I mintak lah nasihat...kat barisan kakak ipau yang lain...ni dah kes takleh tahan lah ni. Kakak ipau yang terang IT (FB) kata..alaa..kau hide aje laa status dia, so kau takleh lah nampak adegan 'too much information' dia tu. I cakap..sudah..lama dah ku buat menda tu. Tapi malangnya..sebab ku berkawan dengan si laki nya, maka sebagai bini..dia berhak lah meroyan tak hengat kat page laki nya (yakni adik I)

I told the 2 kakak ipau...perlukah aku sound aje dia, sebab macam tak syiok la mengata belakang-belakang kan? hasrat I macam dihalang pulak oleh kakak-kakak ipau yang lain, kununnya, nak menjaga hati adik kesayangan yang dah persis dibagi makan nasik kangkang aje gamak nya.

Sekarang ni...ada perkhabaran terbaruuuuu lagi sensasiii...yang dah diannounce secara berjemaah laki bini dalam pesbuk (I doubt ni kerja lakinya...but tataulah, sejak dah makan nasik or minum air kankang ni, dah terlain pesen ke) I should be happy lah akan perkhabaran gumbira itu...but trust me the perkhabaran gumbira bukan setakat terhenti at the actual reason of announcement malah.....yang terbaru ni, as in today...(nampak benau kau makan gaji buta berpesbuk sokmo) ada pulak terselit the chronology of event leading tu x meeting y. Sial tak Kiah?

Yang aku palinggggggg tak larat....rakan taulan sahabat handai and adik beradik sebelah sinun kemain handal pulak encourage banter-banter yang berbau semi lucah yang memang tak sesuweiiii untuk tontonan kakak ipau yang prude ini.

I was made involved in their banter involuntarily..and aku benci,benci dan benci.

I am so sure I have one less friend in FB tomorrow. Cakaplah sepatah lagi...ku remove kau tanpa belas kasihan. Nak kecik ati, kecik lah!!!!

Sekian.

Hati Mu Yang Kering

Getting involve with another person should really come with a warning....that it is bad for mental health...and few others e.g. pocket health...physical health i.e. tak cukup tido and not forgetting how we can so easily influenced to change the world......kununnya. We often say..ada susah..takde pun susah....bila ada, menyakitkan hati...bila takde....hati lak sakit tengok orang yang dok berjiwang-jiwang karattttt.


I must painfully admit that..dalam 3 orang ni. F is the attentive one. Selain daripada tak suka I bersosialan dgn kengkawan I, I takde menda lagi dah nak komplen pasal dia. Semenjak I dah nak menuntut cerai ni, lagi dia cuba berubah...mula mengaku yang selama ini yang buruk-buruk itu adalah salah dia. Kalaulah tak kerana hati I yang dah sememangnya dah sangkut kat orang lain since forever, maunya I balik kat dia...works things out etc etc.


If the monkey one didn't count, I belum pernah lagi nak merobek hati orang cenggini. Walaupun MB's amat suka yang I dah jumpa orang lain, heaven know that parting ways is not always easy especially when the attchment is greater in one side.


On the other hand, I dok syiok dengan orang-orang yang kenkadang lupa yang I ni ujud.


What should we ask for..actually?


We want someone to love us unconditionally.....and nothing else matters. But we know that this is only available in text not fact. Sebelum I balik KL bebaru ni, I often asked MC...how do u feel about me? Cehh...insecurity kills sungguh! And dia cakap...balik lah..and you will see. What did I saw? Well, not much la...but reassurance tu bertambah lah sikit. (Read..self-reassurance!)


We want somene who care about us deeply. Tapi idok le sampai kena tunjuk bukti ticket bas, kapal terbang bagai....(siapalah ni, Kiah?) Yes, we should count our blessings if kita ni dapat partner yang bangsa tak kisah....but deep down, knowing us...we don't really mean exactly what we say..and hoping that dalam kitidakkesahan mu ittew...kalau tak banyak, kisah lah sikit kan Kiah? We need to know what we actually mean to them. Kau ni, tak kisah pasal ko tak sayang ke..or kau terlebih sayang? Having said that, people express themselves differently, although Kiah has dismissed this action as being consumed by overnumbered pride.


Relationship,I'd long time ago realised, is for extreme sport enthusiasts. Its a high wire act without cushions or safety net. Bad enough you hardly find time to get to know each others (flaws), (ni kata kawan I lah...) then came the kids...whom all parents loves with a primal passion but I think some mothers actually got morning sickness after they were born.

One of my colleague said that all men think they're gods. If only their wives and girlfriends weren't atheists....we developed tinnitus in our twenties, but after that you realised that it was just the endless wedding bells, actuals and sosek-sosek batu api from your other friends who has more considerate boipren yang tak nak berchenta lama-lama.

So..again I want to ask me this question again....what is it that I want? I want to love and be loved...I want what I want...perfect relationships is that when we still fancy the pants of each other...we want to be near each other. Somebody to sleep next to us and pass us the towel when we were rushing to go in and realised towel tak bawak.

Somebody who will dilligently ask...kita nak makan apa...are you okay sayang..every now and again...take a bit of interest on what we do and share light banter, mainly discussing people who didn't matter to us.

That's whats important to me....but of course la...kalau orang tu sanggup menjilat pasir or drop everything in a heart beat demi kita, dikira bonus la kannn....but if dapat orang yang kata-kata romantisnya hanya akan keluar bila dia dah takde benda lain nak dicakap or masa dia dah minum air yang ada more than 5% alcohol...and cuma akan mempamerkan rasa chenta nya bila kita dah buat pose pose tak heran...bak kata Kiah, tak semestinya orang yang tak demonstrative itu tak committed...maka, kalau macam tu lah dia nya berfungsi sebagai manusia...what choice do I have?

It is far better than Abg Hakim yang nangis-nangis tak nak cerai bini..sayang kununnnn nya demi hanak-hanak....tapi dibelakang bini, kena tangkap basah na????

Update

Yasmin Ahmad never fails to confused me. From her debut to the final film. Haram satu pun tak ku paham apa yang nak disampaikannya. I am a slow burner. I laugh today for yesterday's jokes. Oh yes..and I am missing Kiah too. Only today...padahal we parted way on Wednesday night. I think, had I not caught that taxi yang drebar nya sewel, sesewel-sewel ikan laga dan ikan arowana yang mahal nak mampus tapi satu habuk takde mendatangkan hasil, I might have miss Kiah a lot sooner. Nantilah I cerita..nak kata trauma, idok le...but MC was so takut bila I bagitau dia.


I went to KB's Tesco and got myself (amongst other things) 2 DVD melayu. One is Papadom, yang bila keluar wayang tahun lepas, takde sekor manusia pun sudi nak temankan I pi tengok. So, lama jugak I memendam rasa...tup-tup jumpa that DVD kat KB (walaupun salesgirl nya memula kata tak ada bila MC yang tanya...ish..pehal nya Aking, nge puok-puok dio pung tok wahi laye ko?)


Because there's so many good review in FB and I am such a sucker for cheap advertistment, especially from kawan-kawan yang tak boleh diragui pendapatnya, I thought I should give 'Talentime' a go.


Kesimpulannya...orang yang 'bagus' kadangkala jua mempunya citarasa yang kurang bagus.


Today...is my first day back at work after 2 weeks. The routine starts again..kejar bus, kejar train..panjat tangga Clapham Junction...order Mochaccino hok yang regular and dapat biskut kecik free, tarik sokabar free and dok cokoh dalam train. After 2 minggu dipandu-supir oleh kengkawan and kekasih hati yang setelah ku observed, baik loyar..baik doktor gigi..baik MC...semuanya tak makan saman. Langgar traffic light..potong kereta depan tak indicate...pastu yang lagi sorang...had laju 80 tapi dia pecut 120. Bila I tegur, apasal you tak ikut arahan...and dia jawab, kalau bawak slow, bila nya nak sampai yanggg....haiya! Ini macam munya olang pun ada ka?


Tapi oleh kerna ku ni menompang, kenalah buat cara menompang. I sentiasa remind diri I yang KL punya public transport adalah puaka dan I diberitahu yang drebar-drebar nya kalau tak high on drugs, memasing pakat karaoke dalam bus siap boleh joget Poco Poco lagi and nyanyi lagu Kucing Garong. Hambikkkk kau!

So, apakah sebenarnya motif entry ni? Not wanting to discredit Yasmin's effort, I think somehow or rather, certain people have their own ways to express themselves. Maybe she wanted to tell stories how all races can be united through singing competition, but why do the contestant need to be picked up?

Why that not-so-English looking lady speaks in awful Scouse accent? Me and MC was trying so hard to work out how to switch on the subtitles...merasa aku confuse nengok yang cakap cina, yang cakap hendia...

And the Doctor who blatantly told the boy that his mother has no hope of recuperating, where is the work ethic laa? And why Jit Murad macam takde kerja lain nak ayat Azean Irdawaty?

Do we just worship someone just because they have unique way of expressing themselves? I still cannot understand the fascination with Anwar Ibrahim, who is hardly lah ensem like Anuar Jen. He was sacked..so? He formed the reformation, to revive his PM ambition...he screams out Justice, Justice..like he know what Justice really means.

I read about people's admiration towards Yasmin Ahmad. Hmmm....taste is hard to justify, but I suppose, we know what we like...walaupun orang lain kata tak sedap.

I will try to watch it again...to feed a benefit to my doubt. Afterall this was her last. I really need to know what the fuss is all about.

Siaran Dari Jalan Sabung Ayam

Sorry, for I have dissapoint you...with my lack of effort and enthusiasm to write things you like to read.

Had I not care, I would have dismissed this with such statement, I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO...(memang iya pun....) in 2 weeks, 2 short weeks, I have far more better things to do, like jumpa kengkawan, making them aware that I am here and making plans to meet up.

My sister remarked that I have complained lot less than before. I told MC that, I have never enjoyed my trip back home.Now I feel that time is against me. I dare not call up my Boss to extend my leave, for she will salai me the moment I touched down in Heathrow.

Often I say, I want to come home for good....of course la statement ini telah memeranjatkan kengkawan ketat. But I am such a flake. I say lots of things. I maybe the only Malay in party MIC (key..mouse) Today I say, I want to quit work and write books. The next day I say I want to be a community activist...seeing so many ill mental health people being ill-treated (why do Police opted to shot dead people just because they ran amok?) The day after tomorrow I will say that I want to run a day centre for complex individual with unexplained disabilities. I'll say anything that suits my swinging mood.

I am lonely wherever I goes. KL, Melbourne and London. I don't make friends easily. I don't fall in love more than 3 times. I love the same person as much as jangkahayat kucing. I gave in to something I shouldn't in a relationship.

The truth is, I dream a lot. My hyper sensitivity kicks in nearer the time I am leaving. I have always known how insecure I am with myself. I have started to question my ability to practise positivity, as I am so easily led into feeling negative.

Yesterday, the Pak Guard in Giant upset me. There I was unassumingly walking through their barrier with my knapsack (I am so not into handbag in Malaysia..mana taknya, sepanjang masa ku disajikan dengan cerita-cerita ganas rampok merampok, mana ada branik nak totting handbag kulu-kilir?) and the Pak Guard look lot younger than me, dengan suara hujan panas nya pi tanya I...beg you ada computer ke? Kalau ada komputer, boleh bawak masuk..kalo tak..pi hantar kat sana...him pointing towards some direction yang ada underlying message berbunyi..blah lah hang!!!!

I asked him back....what can I steal with such a bag on my back? Dengan ghope as Desert Rose described as 'pecah rumah' he announced...nanti you jadi 'suspect'...curi asam..curi barang mandi. Sial nya....I rasa nak cakap aje...hello, I tak pakai brand cap Giant okies???? I paling cikai pun will pakai BOOTS punya product yang against animal testing tu. Kau tahu ke apa tu, Adik Guard oiiiiii?

Days earlier....the Giant McDonalds girl decided to feed me with her own recipe of humble pie. Unsuspectingly, dengan innesengnya...I tanya, while ordering for Milo Ice..adik, kat mana nak bayar bil Celcom? Jauh sekali la aku nak test tahap intelligence nya dengan menanya soklan gitu...but I really don't know where the hell should I pay MC's celcom bill. McD girl dengan kasar lagi sarcastic nya terus jawab...Kat CELCOM lahh!!!!!

I was taken aback. Nak nangis tanda kemaluan besar pun ada.

I told Desert Rose, which confidently said, if I were you, I would have replied...oh ye ke Dik..ingat kan boleh bayar bill celcom kat McD, sebab McD cawangan Wangsa Maju boleh bayar bill handphone. Tu diah.........if only I can come out with such onslaught of sarcasm. And that was why, I didn't get my LLB.

So, what is my plan now?

With David Cameron dah ada feeling nak jadik PM, that spells not-so-better Britain. Kepada kawan-kawan yang dah lama bersekedudukan, this is the time to register your civil partnership,as such facility was awarded by the Labour Government.

Over the last 10 years or so, my zest towards enriching life increased greatly. I no longer have passion for keparat-conglomerate-kejadahbapakyou kind of things. I am into small things like running 10 miles for Cancer Research, Disability Awareness and kempen jangan bayar toll. I still want to marry Anuar Zain since Zara Salim Davidson beat me up to me the Queen of Deghoyan.

Kiah want me to get a master in whatever-kejadah studies, as Malaysian are still taksub with papers.If only Kiah knows how difficult it is for me to get that blarrrrrdy 2nd class honours B.Sc. (read..teman ni idok le pandai macam kome...)

I want to spend more time with MC. But I must realised that I am far to old to berkepit-kepit, mandi tak basah and makan tak lalu. I must tell myself all the time that I must love myself more. Falling in love is beautiful. The practise is awful.

There is the type of people who can look above feelings and live their live the way the wants it. There is the type of people who let their feelings rule them. I am the latter. And I hate it.

I am still indecisive. But as long as you want to read...I'll write. But please...if you're in the shopping mall, please be polite when you need to walk in someone's way and please apologise if you hit their back with your shopping trolley.Please talk to people nicely...please don't ignore people who is loitering in your 2.5 million a unit bungalow show room....and please don't give me the look like I want to rampok your husband, for god knows, I never will have interest in men who let their eyes strays while bini is still in sight, who don't comb their hair and unscented. Bau beruang hutan does not count.

Salam.

Hello & Challo.....

By the time this entry is published, I am already in KL and most probably on my way back to UK already....chewwahhhhh!

I am so lembab, as lembab as krim pelembab jenama Giant Shah Alam Section 13 itu. Ye tuan tuan and puan puan, semenjak pulangnya I untuk memadu chenta ni, Giant Shah Alam tu lah yang ku lalu hari-hari. Ada orang kata, popiah basah nya sedap...tapi..idok le pernah aku dibawaknya kesana.

I had wanted to respond to all your comments on my previous entry one by one. But...alangkan hapdate pun macam sembelit, apatah lagi nak reply comments kan???? But sesungguh nya, (dan ini bukan ayat bodek....) I am so thankful, heavy heart with nothing but appreciation terhadap keprihatinan you alls dalam mendalami entry semi-meraban I ittew.

I will be in KL for 2 weeks. Segala program berbentuk ilmiah, gossip, cetusan hati, pornography dan etc etc ada terkandung dalam itinerary.

As I wrote this, I have been to KB and back.....tapi aku idokle nak melawat Sultan nya ye? Walaupun ada seorang loyar tersohor dari Jalan Sabung Ayam ada mengimpom kan kat I yang Raja Muda nya yang once upon a time ago pandang tak jemu tapi la ni dah kembong ala-ala pau suri tu dah kembali single.

I am in a mission untuk memenuhkan luggage ku dengan segala tok nenek teh, kopi and neskapi tarik, chilli boh...kepok, dodol and etc.

I also like to thank Kiah, Desert Rose and Belladonna yang sudi meluangkan masa dan menipu laki memasing demi menjamu selera I yang ngalahkan penunggu busut ni. Also to Capt Lukmang yang sudi menjadi navigator sesat barat sampai nak termasuk dalam parking kereta Tuan Guru Nik Ajis hingga terpaksa membuat U turn sampai nak terkehel si drebar nya tu.

Saya juga ingin menasihatkan TV3 supaya sudah-sudahlah memainkan lagu Jongang-Jongang-Jongang itu dalam TV especially time saya nak tido. And kepada pompuan jongang yang menjadi inspirasi pada lagu tu, silalah berjumpa Cik Kiah untuk mendapatkan nasihat kosmetik gigi iye????

Challoooo.....

Ku Tak Hengen Duit Miewwww....

With the sulphuric ash shrouding UK punya airspace, maka ramai lah yang tak lepas balik ke Tanah Malaya.

3 of them is a so called bisnisman plus orang kuat parti timbang kati kat Malaysia tu. Because of the duit they all yang berkepuk tu, they can afford to stay in a hotel tak macam the rest yang terpaksa berkampung kat Heathrow ittew.

And out of respect to my friend yang puas memujuk rayu dan menjanjikan kuih karipap tanpa catuan, I agree to join her to gi makan-makan with these businessman.

I don't know what sort of business they're doing and I honestly didn't care. Business talk can make me feel awkward, as I don't know a thing. I have turned into this public service person who only think about servicing the public, not to extort money out of them. I grew up with businessman around me...so all talks about tender, contracts, over table undertable, deal and more deal...will not catch my attention.

But people's attitude will. Enough to impress or to annoy me to the highest heaven, filled up my container (ni bahasa psychoteraphy ye adik-adik..makna nya...filled up my head/brain) and can turn into blog entry.

One guy...hensem sikit aje from that Kinabatangan guy who married Zizie Ezette. One common thing about orang tak berapa hensem ni, they seems to make up their ketidakcukupan paras rupa with their choices of words yang to them...enough to make them a god gift to woman.

Another guy...okaylah...okaylah...okaylahhhhhh!!!!! tapi pendek. No surprise lah kan if dia sungguh terpegun dgn kependekan ku yang 5'8 ni. Prompting him to ask silly question ask his pembuka kata...you ni tinggi makan apa ye?

The third guy..is as bad as the first one. He is friends with my friend ni. Under my breath, I asked my friend, manalah kau kenal jantan-jantan sewel ni....of course my friend dengan muka nak nangis nya cakap..dah lah..jg komplen, kita makan aje pastu kita blah. On our way back, I critisised her choices of friends...not that I always do that but I would not have associated myself with sleazy bag like that 3. So called bisnisman millions-millions.She said, she only frens with one, the two just happened to be there. I cakap, ohh..bad smells stays together y'know....

The first guy have two wives and he made no secret of it. He openly said that he have been persuing my friend as his number 3 with no luck. And he think its okay to talk about that openly and jokingly on a dinner table.

My friend is a widow and lost her husband ages ago. By the look of it, she has endured his silly proposition and able to laugh it off. Baiknya hati...kalau aku lah, dah ku kapak orang tu.

Then, just about I want to enjoy my meehon goreng, 3 of them started throw questions at me. Why am I still single (hmmmmmmm) why this and why that. Sleazy questions like, I don't know what I missed...and the joy and pleasure. (Dalam hati ku...pleasure? With you? Ohh..Ann Summers came top lah)

Politely, as always I will always say jodoh belum sampai....and of course the first guy see the opportunity to 'joke' about his another two free slots. Not wanting to bruise his ego plus my friend was giving me this look of...layan aje la...cepat kau layan..cepatlah kita balik....I laughed it off to him and said..oh..tempting.

Knowing men will not take hint or no as an answer, he kept on mengasak I dengan soklan-soklan maha bangang. I think the rubbish that I am exposed to day in day out made the situation seems easy to handle.

Until..........

'You kan orang N9.....mesti mak bapak you pun memilih...nak cari orang berharta. '

'Pompuan kat sana kan dapat all the harta. Siaplah siapa yang kawin dengan orang pompuan kampung you...habis lah kepala diorang pun botak etc etc'.

'Kan ke N9 ada adat, biar anak mati jgn adat mati..agaknya tu lah pasal orang takut nak approach you kot'.

This, you all...dicampur dengan gelak-gelak bangang lagi puaka syaitan nirrojimmmmmm.

Orang selalu kata....orang bangang jangan dilayan. I am just about to do that...habiskan my meal and excuse myself for the day.

But, thinking of my sick father and how my poor mother had to put up with him, only for them to be slagged of as 'memilih menantu berharta'...really shifted my mood from the back burner.

I look at the man no.1...stare at him intensely. Then he noticed. He laughed. He said...amboiiii....dia dah marah lah. Cantik bila dah marah (Fuck you think that's funny?) I keep on staring at him and glanced at the other two.

The 3 went very quiet..not instantly but the laughter, their stupid laughter faded...and my friend gripped my hand...under the table..

Lepas semua orang dah diam...I said....kita orang melayu masih ada bad manners masa makan kan? Dah la kita cakap tak berhenti...lepas tu kita cakap pun, kita tak pikir orang yang dengar kita cakap tu apa lah rasa perasaan dia ke (Kiah...I will surprise you..I speak all this in bahasa)

Cik semua dah pernah berbini pompuan N9 ke? Laaa...kesian. Tapi takdelah pompuan tu bagi bangkrap kan..kalau tak tak lepas datang sini.

One guy said..we are sorry that you're offended.

I'm not, but I just don't understand why we have to discuss this over dinner and the fact that all 3 of you think its okay to slagg off women and their parents.

You all talk so highly, so posh about yourself..your business...and I am so amazed with your choice of conversation topics with strangers like me.

So..your wife must be so stupid to have married you or maybe just had to put up with you for your money. I'll bet your money turn them on...and not you. Sedih kan?

You should come and do business in UK often...bagilah kepala bukak sikit.

I looked at my friend, you dah habis dah? She looked so serba salah...then I said, let's go. Let them pay for the bill...they're millionaires and I am the one from N9. I looked at the man no.1...please say you can afford to pay my share...

Dia buntang mata kat I.....alah tak pe..tak hal...eh, tak kan nak balik kot?

I said...no, I am going for my 2nd round of gold digging. You're not rich enough..after all, you can only afford to eat at Malaysia Hall.

They said sorry, but aku dah sakit hati....we left.

Had the gunung berapi tak meletop, I would not have encounter those 3. Syaiiiiitonnnnnn. Yes Izuan..I would have show them the fronted V sign, surely they'll think that I mean peace offering, kan?

Kawan Kawan and Tak Nak Kawan....

****Trust that I will publish this entry very late, much to Kiah PHD annoyance...but, saperti biasa...kau suka ada ke dari takde langsung???*****

It is very hard to keep up with Kiah's new lease of 'blog' life nowadays...selang seminit dia dah hapdate.I pun terkial-kial. Kiah and the rest would say..ye lah Esah tu berchenta...so masa banyak dihabiskan dengan ber Skype. Cakap laaa....cakap laaa.....

I got a friend request in facebook today. Ye..Kiah, despite ke kemarauan hapdate, aku gigih memasak kat Cafe. Semenjak Cik M makin mencanak-canak naik points nya..weih..hang tak kija ke Cik M? Dalam Cafe tu takde semangat kesukanan perkahwanan langsung...orang naik points aje, terus hati terbakar.

Well, I was saying about the friend request.This is from a complete stranger. Takde lah nak bagi salam ke tanya, mana dia kenal kita. So I send her message..telling her that I don't remember me. Hinting if she could understand sarcasm that, if I am one of your mates, then siapakah aku? Remind me lah.

Then dia jawab...saja add..nak ramaikan kawan..kakak angkat etc. Eh? Is this how people nowadays nak berkawan ke?

Dahle she got name yang seems obvious to me bukan her nama sebenar, but not as silly as those who christened themselves with name like Minah Beku Yang Sempit like that....hehehe...come across this name a lot lah. So with this girl, I told her that I have to decline for obvious reasons lah..that I only willing to open my space to those I physically know.

Nak kata semua yang dalam list I tu I kenal takde lah. But I do pick and choose. Some of which with full of regret but of course dah diremoved. I once accepted someone just because most of my friends are friends with him. So kawan aje lah...get to meet him in person and at first I seem to like his personality, despite apparent vulnerability. But in the end, tah hapa pasal....he removed me, not that I fussed, ye lah you can't paksa orang suka kat you kan? Although he said that the 'removal' was unintentional as FB admin kekonon nya ada pulak suka accidentally remove orang (haiya..do I look that stupid to you??) but I do have other life and death thing to worry about than the decrease of my friend lists. So we carried on being friends..FB or no FB, until I decided that he has too much of an issue that only him can cope...so selamat lah you dunia akhirat.

Ada pulak yang I kena terima sebab...sebab...ye lah, orang dah lavished kita dengan gifts what have you.Okay lah...it was okay at first, but later on...macam ada propaganda tak sihat and since mulut I pun ber konsep no hold barred githoo...maka yang tak kena kenalah di sound. Knowing what I know, and seeing this person actively being friendly in FB, making me so menyampah that she is still exist. Hish!

Well, people made many bad decisions and learn. Those two wasn't a bad decision at all, if I may say. Things just didn't worked out the way we all had wanted.

I still choose who I want to be friends with. I have quite complex and weird personality, so please don't think it is you.God knows I save you from all the trouble you may encounter with me.

p/s Desert Rose..ko taknak kawan dengan aku ke????

The Sick Hobby

When I was a student, I am not one of the brightest. My brain accelerate at 10kmp/h. My brain and my heart did not communicate. When my brain is confused, it sends signals that shrivelled my heart and made it scared to ask more questions. I worked extra hard to compensate this flaw. I went on and stresses myself a lot more by comparing with my slightly pandai brother and sisters yang tak pernah pun ku tengok belajar cam nak mampus tapi boleh dapat single digit in SRP and SPM. I often think that I brought embarassment to my parents, Bapak lah in particular. Little that I know that all those years he was so impressed with the fact that I hardly complaint and just get on trying my level best. It took me years to find peace with myself.


At 16, I met my one and only steady boyfriend. Prompted by his insecurity, we were engaged for a little while.I loved him...and I like to think that he loves me. We went from the stages of being friendly to semi steady to steady to suam-suam kuku beruang then back to steady to semi steady, chipsmore (as in kejap ada kejap takde) to him dilanda amnesia, lupa yang I ni gilpren dia and he later married his wife. Of course, to ease his guilt...he kind of suggested...ni masa dia nak pi jemput aku datang makan nasi minyak nya disamping nak bagitahu yang aku ni bukan lagi gilpren nya..that I am partly to be blamed in our 'so called' break up.

You all yang membaca dah semestinya perasan betapa selama hari ni I was looking for answers on why, why, why? Why was I treated in such a way? We women so like to read between the lines and dots...I could have just dismissed that (his decision to mengembang kan sayap ke ke pompuan lain) as him being a man, so bingai in making life decisions...sometimes.

But no, kita kan suka menyeksa diri?

I tell myself that at this age, that if lah I terjatuh chenta lagi...then this time it would be different. I have to put my feelings first. That..if I menyampah maut dengan team MU so be it. Zaman-zaman nak menjadi gf mithali ikut je bontot orang pergi Old Trafford telah berakhir (although that time, I love MU and Beckham) I dengan sengalnya telah berfeeling-feeling Puteri Pucuk Kelopang..because..masa tu lah glamernya dihangkut boipren pergi tengok bola kat Old Trafford. But bila ingat-ingat balik, dah le jarang jumpa...he was in Manchester, I was in Sheffield...dia selalu komplen Sheffield tu jauh...and I always made the trip down..made all the effort...I so want to score points with his friends yang rata-ratanya mempunyai gilpren yang gediks lagi gariks that their bf had to be at their beck and call. Masa tengok bola, apalah yang romantic nya? Not that he was dedicating all the winning to me? Pegang tangan lagi lah takde...he would rather cracked jokes with other MU girls. All I was that time is to put up this front as gf yang paling sporting kat mukabumi ni. But...apakah hasilnya? Haram you alll.....

I dah separated from F dah lebih setahun. All the lapan tahun memadu janji haram jadah adalah banyak terseksa dari bahagia nya. But of course, in general a woman opted to live in Wonderland. We would if we could hoping for the leopard to change its spot (or skin ah,Kiah) Like all Malaysia still hoping for the tolls systems to be abolished once and for all and that Telekom Malaysia is going to stop bullying my mother into thinking it was her fault that the phone lines gone bad but mercilessly still billing her the line rental.

Since si Tua tu yang kononnya dah membagi pengajaran kat I kerna katanya akulah yang paling berperangai dalam relationship kami (ni pun kalau you all nak tahu..ku sabar aje menerima all that tuduhan...) by asking me to tinggalkan rumah dia. Cewwah....dia tak tahu lagi ke betapa I am survivor independent woman destiny child nya aku ni???? Hah...I pun keluar rumahnya dengan senang hati..of course lah 2,3 minggu jugak menangis memikirkan all those nostalgic moments masa bahagia and grieving on the fact why this one didn't work. The detachment process adalah seksa...nak mengeluarkan orang tu dari dalam system kita macam nak mengeluarkan Botox (macam lah aku pakai Botox pun kan?)

Dalam setahun tu macam-macam I buat...membuat harta...membuat dosa...reconnecting back with myself...(somehow earlier this year managed to bagged myself the old flame) and sekarang I dok pikir mengapalah I jadi buduhhh tak escape awal-awal seperti yang telah di syor-syor kan oleh kengkawan???? I guess I just being the typical women....hoping for things to get better.

With MC....ohhh life can be beautiful since I discovered that Skype lagi terang dari YM...that Lebara Mobile lagi convenient dari all those calling cards cap Pakistan. The hindrance is always Malaysia Airlines yang mahal macam puaka.

But adakah aku akan dok diam tersengih macam kerang menanti hari-hari bahagia disambut bak Elle McPherson kat KLIA????? Nope. Since beginning, I have managed to upset myself so many times with my own insecurity, with my own analogy of how a perfect relationship should be and macam-macam lagi benda bangang. I could have just being the furthest one and be missed all day and nights kununnya....and enjoy the fact that ada jugaklah orang nak kat I. Tak...ada aje benda, ada aje seksaan batin yang nak ku volunteer kan kat hati dan pala hotak ku yang telah sememang nya sensitip ni.

So, from the top paragraph to the end is the evident of my propensity to menyiksa diri....thinking thing I shouldn't think about.

I wish I am just as flaky....I do stuff...if didn't work the desireable way, only grieve for a short period and later, melompat katak balik. But no....I dwell and dwell.

I now am so consumed with anxiety of meeting MC. Ye lah...tragic love story nya is bila kapal terbang nak take off baru nak declare...pastu evaluate feelings, finding confirmation conformation through YM and Skype. At time I am still reeling from the tragedy of being rejected twice...the time when I was left high and dry and of course all those 15 years hoping for pigs could grow a wings.

The nearer the day...lagi kecut perut...tak lena tido tapi Easter Eggs dah berkotak lenyap dah Kiahhhh oiiii!!!!

Men and Their Disabilities

Superficial :------> I can't live without your love. If you go...I'll die.
Of course la, kalau you pun participant dalam drama Tamil camni, you can feel the meaning of the exact words. Can you imagine if your gilpren ke boipren is Asperger's diagnosed...he/she is most likely to jawab....how can I possibly die without love? You're likely to get killed if you're stabbed or deprived from oxygen. You're not making sense lah!

Superficial :------> I will love you forever...and ever.
Your Asperger's lover is likely to respond....how long is that for? 365 days or 10 years?

Superficial : ------> I'll do anything for you.
The Asperger's person will say....what is anything? Is it something like...you're going to rob the Natwest Bank today or will you go and get Fifa game for PS3? Is that what you mean by anything?

Superficial : -------> (In McDonalds) I don't fuss....you can get me anything on the menu. I love you.
The Asperger's will look at you with intense...this is not about you loving me. I'm asking you what you want to eat. Big Mac or McChicken?

Superficial :--------> (Dah fed up gila dah niii....attempting to end the relationship) I am breaking up with you. It's not you...it's me. But I will still love you as a friend.
The Asperger....what do you mean? If it's not my fault then why you're breaking up with me. What you mean you love me as a friend? You can't love friend. Because you can't have sexual intercourse with them.


*****************************************************************************
Above are the common transcripts in disable with non-disable relationship. If you happens to go out with someone with similar traits....sila cakap dengan direct nya. Kalau nak makan Ayam Nandos, cakap 'NAK MAKAN AYAM NANDOS'. Then you have to say...berapa ketul. If you asked for ayam, there's a possibility you may get seekor ayam. So if you're forever on slimming strive macam Desert Rose..payah lah. Me and Kiah can have 8 plates of nasik between us (tu yang sempat kira..yang dah tertelan tak hengat..tak tahu wooo!)

Nak lagi senang, sila bawa picture cards. Lagi si Asperger ni senang paham. Kalau your next date with him/her is next week, make sure you bawak calendar..tunjuk betul-betul berapa hari dia kena tunggu and berapa malam dia kena tidur (this is Austistic chronic ye)

However, bila dah kahwin bertahun....ada jugak case partner kita yang kunun nya tersampuk syndrome sebegini.

Like, the wife yang balik kerja terus nak kena masak and Baby nangis macam kena sampuk polong mintak berdukung...she asked the hubby yang muka macam baru balik angkat batu bata 100 kilo tapi boleh pulak duduk atas sofa macam Bridgit Bardot (ke hapa namanya porn star tu) sambil memicit remote control Astro...Bang, tolong lah jaga anak...kan I nak masak ni??? The Abang Autistik buat-buat will tanya balik dengan muka tak pass Geography nya...you nak I buat macam mana??? (Eh...tak kan lah nak buat kat budak tu serupa macam cara kau MEMBUAT nya dulu kan???)

Or..(ni memang lah selalu) Bang...boleh tak you hantar I pergi klinik dulu sebelum you pergi opis you? Abang Asperger Buat-Buat...tak boleh lah...nanti I lambat. Wife said...you kan masuk kerja pukul 9, appoinment I pukul 8.15, kan opis you tak jauh dari klinik tu? AABB terus cakap...tak sempat laa...pergi sendiri la. Mana ada dekat. Klinik you kat Jalan C, opis I kan kat Jalan E (dua langkah aje lah nya punnn)

Or...if you Abang Asperger punya kampung kat Muar...and your Kampung kat Labu batu 8 tu aje...tapi bila ajak balik rumah Mak Pak you, dia akan cakap...kampung you jauhhhh masuk dalam. Sial kan? Tapi drive sampai 3 jam gi Muar yang lalu segala macam Parit tu boleh pulak???

Tu belum masuk lagi penyakit-penyakit lain yang hinggap kat orang lelaki..like amnesia buatan sendiri...personality disorder e.g. dengan kawan opis cakap lembut, dengan bini cakap macam Immigration Heathrow lah garang nya...and Manic Depression...e.g. bila buat menda dia suka...mood sungguh lah high nya. Tapi bila kita ajak gi teman kita gi beli ayam kat pasar Subang Jaya...mood terus low macam kena angin pasang.

And should I start on so called 'mid life crisis?'. Ish..kang orang kata I anti jantan pulak. But funny lah jugak kan bila this man was once our knight in a shinning armour...yang sanggup nak jadi angkasawan tu pergi bulan bintang, but now you suruh pi Carrefour pun merungut semilan kali.

The same one who said..I can't live without you masa chenta tengah hangat macam chicken claypot baru siap..alih-alih sekarang, kalau you ajak dia teman you pantang kat kampung, he will rather dok umah sensorang. Hidup gak sampai sekarang.

My Misteri Nusantara....Lagi.

Sesampainya saya dari bergaloks'kan di Paris, Holland & Brussells...saya adalah terharu dengan comments untuk entry Nusantara tu. Well, had I not been inspired by Kiah, this are the thing that I akan pikir 2,3 kali jugak nak pi cerita kat orang.

Ye lah..kang orang kata kita gila pulak kan? There's jokes in this jobs...that when we see sewel people so much, we ended up being one. Hmmm......

To those who asked...adakah duit itu bertukar menjadi daun kering...ish..ni mustik you all banyak benar lah membaca cerita komik seram or menengok cerita Suzana Indon tu, dok ingat semua duit hantu akan menjelma jadik daun kering. The answer is...I don't know.

Was she McD SS 14 regular midnite visitor? Tu pun I tak tahu. I have left for UK after that and I did not keep in touch with that guy, so I never get to ask if sesiapa ada encounter the same occurence.

Will that make me the choosen one? Entah lah. My nusantara experience started from MRSM. Before SPM when all the girls (yang bangsa study last minute) ber study maut (the term we used on study sampai pagi) we heard the sound of marching army. The senior told us that it is the Japanese army. Nampak nya tak pernah lah...but once, bila I balik from toilet, I was hit (not literally) by flying 'object' yang berwarna putih. I was with a friend and makcik ni memang dah lemah semangat nya terus ter histeria.

When we first moved to Paroi...I told my mum that I selalu dengar orang jalan kat sebeleh tingkap I...and the funny thing is, bila semua lampu dah tutup, we (me and my sister) can still see the bayang-bayang. My mum told my father but my father dismissed that by saying that me and my sister ni malas sembahyang so macam-macam setan nak datang. Ye lah...only after that my youngest sister told us that my father actually heard and saw the same thing. See...my father really wanted us to like the new house so he will not hear any negative stories. But now..after many,many years...takdelah experience apa-apa, but I do believe some nice relatives do visits...and my brother is one of them. Once, he whisper to my ear to bangun sembahyang subuh...but kakak dia ni tetaplah setan tahap 8, extend tido sampai pukul 11, pastu pi cakap jet lag..boleh?

I am not sure what to make of that encounter. But I have experience the moment of living in a trance for a short period. I was told that someone wanted to attack other people but I happened to be in the same path and terkena. So I started having this period of semi unconscious and doing things not in my nature. It is like...I know what I was doing is weird but why I did it, I don't know. That happened to me twice. I was so demam and had to be bathed celah kangkang my father. I was okay after that. To this date...that is all unexplainable.

So, I thank you for all your interest. I am sure that there's a reason for everything. But I would rather not memeningkan kepala memikirkan hal-hal macam ni. Everyday when I go to work, I will jumpa banyak hantu yang jahat-jahat but I think, if there's a choice between unseen/seen spirits yang nak pakai baju putih ke, nak berkawad tengah padang ke or nak tunggu bus tahan kereta tengah malam ke...dengan orang sewel wielding kapak, I don't prefer the latter. When I work night shift, i selalu jugak dengar orang jalan depan opis I, ada yang siap main doorbell lagi..but you know what I said to them...(ni under my breath lah..) I'm working...I don't intend to disturb you..so, please don't disturb me. It is better that than a patient waiting behind my door lying in wait to stab or strangle me.

Hope this helps.

Dumpsville Skips

Travelling on public transport gives you free access to all sorts things, even soft porn. Iya you...I once saw this man, look like he work in the City, with suit and pink tie...slightly overweight that shows around his hip watching porn on his Iphone. On a bus ride. Some would think that maybe he just picked that Iphone from O2 shop...so nak try test tengok la ni...but I'm sure, he is a virgin on a hot date (that might involve sex) and he needs to learn few tips. Eh eh...belajar kat porn show buat apa?

Some bus pulak dinaiki oleh student-student Malaysia yang buat PHD, and without telling, people like me will find their conversation (bragging la more like..eeshhh) too nauseating for my liking. Well, stop right there if you think I'm jealous...takde makna nya. I'm not that sort of person who can get impressed by money or people's education credentials. But I really can't see the point talking about some qualitative versus quantitative research dalam packed bus. Wouldn't you think depa-depa tu nak tayang kat kita-kita yang dok diam minding our own business ni yang diorang tulah manusia maha bijaksana dalam London tu? Podah la. When I was a student, once kita semua dah keluar dari rumah hantu tu, we gossip (kutuk) the tutor la..lecturer la...or discuss cara-cara nak mengelepet dalam exam.

So, back to more interesting conversations on public transport...2 quite mature men were talking about how to dump a girl.One was really convincing another one that his relationship has now enter the doomed phase and irrepairable. By the sound of it, idok le lama sangat pun perhubungan tu...but you know lah men, once they feel like things has got to their neck..selagi boleh cepat dia nak call taxi to berambus the better kan?

I never got dumped properly...not to my face anyway. The one yang dah mati decided to do thing via telepathy and expect aku mendoakan dia bahagia dihari persandingan mu gitu. Cesss! The other one...who is now (fortunately or unfortunately) is my current decided not to say anything and expect me to get the gist yang dia tak interested...in THAT way. But with the dah mati one, after he came back grovelling (geez..Kiah, in a lifetime, I got to do it twice) I took the pleasure to asked...why lah?

The dah mati one said ------> It's not you..it's me. I think, I wasn't right for you. Things were complicated. So, adik-adik...don't beat up yourself finding the meaning for this words. Those were created by men to ease their guilt. Remember...breaking up ...the amicable one..must be a decision of the 2 person involved..with a sound mind and good reasons. Most of break ups only has one sided decision.

The current one said -------> I am still having fun that time. Now I know what I want. You were too nice..I am the Setan one. We don't want the same thing. Katanya....

In papers nowadays you read about one suing the other one pasal kes-kes tak jadi kawin. Am I right to think that people are now setting up a relationship akin to starting up a business? This is not a risk-free world. I find all those news adalah amat memalukan. Of course lah si pen-saman would say..I'm doing this not because of the money...(tapi gi saman nak tuntut juta-juta..pehal? Padahal masa dating..apalah sangat investment, takat takat Celcom bill and all those dinners and lunch kan?) but I do not want the same thing to happen to other men/women. Weh...since when do you actually care about other people you don't know?

I think, women mostly are honest with their reasons to split up.If they do want a split. Men usually will hold back the real reason. Of course lah they will use the corny lines like the above rather than...I don't like the way you put on your lipstick. It is always a mixture of little sins that they apparently can't be arsed to put up with.

There's also apparently this trend about dumping partners through text messages and Facebook. The thing is they want out without having to be burdened with so many questions.They can't cope with angry or tearful reaction. They don't want the guilt staring at them..ni case yang pi dump bini masa kawan tu memboyot.

I have a female friend who has always prepared herself for the worst.I once told her...relationship itself is a risk laa...and if from the beginning you don't feel right, don't get into deep lah. Ada pulak yang terlampau chenta and ignored all the warning signs like...sudden tardiness of text messages and late notice cancellations.

Some partners are designed to exasperate you into ditching them. Back luck if you got yourselves involved with this lot to begin with. I keep asking my current (MC) why me in the frame suddenly. Not once or twice dah ni..but everytime when we Skype. Of course lah...if people never fancy you back then...will it be the same case now?

Entahlah....so if I got dumped again...I should blame myself lah kan?

My Misteri Nusantara

PHD brings the worst in people. Ni orang yang I kenal la...yang tak kenal tak tahu lah pulak.

Ada yang sanggup cerai bini serta merta. Cerai serta merta tu tak apa lagi (eleh....with men, apalah nak diheran kan...macam anak ex MB Perak tu yang boleh pi tinggal bini masa ngandung) yang berebut pasu Sarawak tu yang aku tak tahan tu.

Ada yang sejak 2,3 menjak ni dok cerita hantuuuuuu aje. Pehal kau? Kau tu dah le dok kat PJ nun yang famous (ni kata my sister lah ye..entah betul, entah kan tidak...since my sister ni kat mana-mana pun dia kata ada hantu..bawah katil anak dia pun ada hantu katanya) and popular hantus sighting.

Since Kiah is in her hantu mood....ni I nak cerita sikit kisah misteri nusantara I few month before I datang ke Tanah UK ni (ni masa student dulu le) When I was in NCUK, I took up a part time job in Section 14 McD..alaa...dekat Cold Storage tu. So pada satu malam yang hening ni...I was on a late shift and nearer closing. Only take out is allowed while we finishes the cleaning. I was at the cashier and serving.

I think dekat nak midnite gitu...adalah sorang budak pompuan ni datang, beli Mekciken & Choc Milkshake. She looked like she just finished prektis bolajaring and wearing her Sri Aman t-shirt (punyalah vivid nya memory I youuu...) One thing that I remember the most about her is that she made no eye contact at all with me. She came, she ordered, I served, she paid and she blah.

Then I realised she left her Snoopy wallet (ko hingat tak Kiah...time ni kan wallet Snoopy ni famous) on the counter. I picked it up and gave it to the supervisor. Adalah duit $10 dalam tu and few coins and her blue IC. So the supervisor told me that he will keep the wallet in the office and leave notes for others. We were very sure that the girl will come and collect it.

Few days after and I'm on my last shift before I pergi UK. While changing into my Uniform (masa ni McD uniform merah belang-belang) I saw the Snoopy wallet on the notice boad yang my supervisor letak in a plastic wallet and lekat kat dinding. I tanya my supervisor, eh..budak tu tak datang hambik ke wallet dia? My supervisor kata, entah..tak ada pun.

Ada this guy yang sama kerja dengan I dengan kepochi nya gi lah tengok this wallet and look at her IC. He said, ala...minah ni dok kat Sec 17, dekat rumah I. So sebagai public spirited citizen kononnya...kitorang pun plan lah nak hantar sendiri kat rumah minah ni. My shift finished at 6pm, so this guy nak belanja I minum and we thought on our way to gi minum, we can look out for rumah budak pompuan ni lah. Just nice we arrived rumah budak pompuan ni after maghrib.

So, I pun picit lah loceng kat tembok gate rumah tu. Then a lady open the sliding gate and I can see her neck sticking out. With this guy tunggu dalam kereta, is my task lah gi pulangkan wallet Snoopy tu. So when there's no sign for that Makcik to come and open her pagar for me to come in, I had to shout...Assalamualaikum...so and so (nama minah tu seperti yang tertera kat IC nya) ada?

Then the Makcik walked to her gate. Looking very puzzled. Cari siapa? Of course la masa ni I macam dah malu, ye la..malu lah...macam lah I kenal they all kan?? and wave at her the Snoopy wallet. I pun dengan malu-malu nya...tak Makcik..saya kerja kat McD, saya nak pulangkan wallet ni...si So and So tertinggal kat counter.

Instead of makcik gi bukak the pagar for me, she went it and come out with her husband tagging along. I looked at my friend in his car and he was making this faces..like apahal...and I pun lagi lah gabrah...pehal lak sampai nak bawak laki keluar...

The Pakcik dengan suara macam pecah rumah nya asked...siapa awak ni..mana kenal So & So (si tuan punya wallet Snoopy)

I had to explained. By this time, I dah macam fed up dan rasa nak balik, in my mind thinking..nyesal pulak aku volunteer nak buat baik....and rasa macam nak cakap aje..ambik lah wallet ni balik..saya tak curi pun duit dalam tu...but the Pakcik ajak I masuk. I signalled this guy to ikut sekali and while walking into the house, the guy and me keep looking at each other with our 'apahal???' expressions.

I gave the wallet to the makcik. She opens it and started crying. Then the Pakcik took the wallet from her and took out the IC and some cards inside. He passed on the IC to the wife and the wife started kissing the IC between sobs.

Me and the boy....masih lagi dengan expression 'apahallll?'

To cut the story short....we both didn't go for the drink as planned. He sent me straight back to my hostel. I told my dorm mates what just happened. Malam tu, after Isyak, I terus baca Yassin. I can't sleep after that. I was so terkejut..it took me years to get over the shock.

I have no intention to reveal the name of the girl who owns the Snoopy wallet. Her parents told us that she died 6 months before, on her way back home after Netball game. She parted with her friends because she had wanted to singgah to McD. She got run over by a motorbike while crossing the road. Her parents said that she must have been holding her wallet at that precise moment because that is the only thing of hers that they haven't found.

So Kiah...if you think cerita pompuan amoi or any of those unsettled departed soul kau tu seram...mine was unthinkable. Spirit jalan keretapi kat Beseri tu pun tak leh lawann.

Percayalah...cerita ini tidak tipu....

To Acab, With Love....Al-Fatihah

I was doing a night shift (night shift pemende...dah start dari pagi tuuu) and while godeking FB (the legal time to use FB is when working hours is not like NORMAL working hours) I got a phone call from MB1. Cuak tu dapat call pagi-pagi buta...

'Hey..anak Manja ninggal.' Then I asked..which one? Fulham ke Chelsea? MB1 said...yang tua lah. Tak puas hati, I went straight to my friend's FB page. Condolences all over. Then I googled. It is his youngest son...the Chelsea one.

I met Acab, when he was on hols with his parents years ago. Acab was still in primary school. Compared to his elder siblings, Acab is the talkative one...like his father. Alia and Abang is just sweet like mother. Acab asked me...Aunty...where is Chelsea's football ground? I had to show his Dad how to find Stamford Bridge by bus. Begrudgingly. We laughed at his attempt to mimick the Whitehall security man English accent. 'If you park here..your car will be clamped'.

In the online newspaper, I saw Manja & Zita's pic. How heartbroken.

Manja adores his kids. He talks about them all the time. When he is here on business, he shopped for them. He knows what they like.

I don't have kids. But I have seen the devastating effect of losing one. When my brother was laid to rest, my father was legless and slumped on the ground. He cried...he called out for his Mum. For a grown man to be reduced to such a state, his heart must be broken to pieces. He had to be carried away from the ground. He kept looking at the grave. He kept saying...you're were supposed to send me off.

My father is no longer the same man.

Manja & Zita is such a lovely pair to hang out with. They're loving couple too. I wish Allah give them strength and peace of mind during this difficult time. The pain will not go away. You may die with them.

Losing the one you love is painful, losing a child is enough to test anyone's faith.

To Acab...I hope you like the Chelsea top I bought you. You're at a better place now. Pray for Papa, Mama, Abang and Alia.Pray that Allah gives them strength to live without you.

Love, Aunty Arsenal & Aunty Man-U.

Al-Fatihah.

The Perfect Thing That Don't Exist

Being the hopeless romantic that I am...I commemorate every important dates in my life. Yesterday was the 2nd month 'anniversary' of lovers reunited....version Makji Esah. This date last January (juga hari aku buat janji pelsu dengan NBNS sampai rasa guilty I hangkut paksa Kiah gi hantar Walkers Crisps rumah dia) I re-dating my ex who is now my current. (apa punya bahasa lah ni...)

Of course la dunia itu tak selalunya indah. Orang tu tak ingat until I remind dia. Pastu dia dengan confidentnya kata..eh..dah 3 bulan dah kita bercintan-cintun ye, which of course...salah perkiraan because kalau ikut bulan, baru 2 aje. Then seperti biasa, a sucker for punishment like me, dengan sukarelanya menyakitkan hati sendiri dengan membagitahu dia...eleh..you baru chenta-chenta dengan I dua bulan. I dah 15 tahun dok chenta kat you. I'm not sure if that statement will fit into category taknak kalah or category bongok lah hang...hang ingat orang berchenta ada masa ke nak kira-kira menda bodoh camtu. But what can I say...I value the smallest thing in the relationship.

I really have put a lot of effort in this...knowing...sadly...pessimism kicks in...and realised that this will not end in bunyi kompang berdegar-degar or me living happily ever after dibawah lampu sinaran bulan.

I had dinner with my Boss this week and she started grilling me about my forthcoming annual leave...tanya...kan ke you baru balik that day. Ada apa-apa ke? Of course my Boss tu dah tahu because ada informer dah bagitau dia.

Then followed by MB's who volunteers plenty of information regarding the home truth e.g. pukul berapa aku bangun semata-mata untuk ber YM and how I am so confined in my bedroom macam orang yang receive palliative care la gamak nya. MB's has openly said how I have changed the moment I walked into her car when I arrived from KL and that they hardly see me anymore walaupun tinggal satu rumah.

Tu belum lagi sora-sora langsuir dalam blog, dalam FB yang kata aku macam-macam nah?

Kenapa you all????? Salahkah Makji merasa bahagia????? Chewwwaahhhhh!!!! I tak dera orang gaji...I tak dera kanak-kanak...and I tak ikut cakap bini nombor satu pi cerai bini muda talak 3 terusssss (siapa lah ni)

People say that cinta itu satu pengorbanan. Ada yang pengorbanan positive...ada jugak yang pengorbanan negative. My colleague tanya I..hish..ada ke pengorbanan negative? I cakap..ada lah. Cuba you tengok case-case cinta extra marital. Of course the party yang terjatuh chenta kali kedua nya will say that he is making pengorbanan kat gilpren nya as in menipu bini, cakap pi business meeting tapi gi kongkek gilpren kan? And another pengorbanan of his juga is to ask the gilpren to understand that dia dah ada bini and anak, so janganlah nak berharap yang lebih-lebih. Pundekkkk la.Pompuan disuruhnya paham...yang dia tu?

Since my return from KL, the workloads macam jahanam lah banyaknya. I am really struggling to find time to do what I like to do. But chenta punya pasal...my biological alarm clock starts ringing at half 3 in the morning. By the time orang tu dah free...I pulak kena kerja ( I am now operating on a snake-mode during work) and by the time I free, dia pulak dah tido.

Chenta punya pasal...I am the one who gets up early and I am the one who mengkaya kan Lebara Mobile. Because of my work, I had to do all the calling sebab I bukannya boleh bertelepon selalu and that dah berapa kali aku dapat dia punya missed call, so I cakap...let me call you la...

You really need to have a higher level of optimism and Red Bull energy to embark on love affair. Long distance is even worse. As much as nak menurut kata hati...kata-kata payslip pun perlu diambil kira.

And of course...when you're in love, everyone is against you. In my case...airlines company la. Dulu masa malas nak balik, flight to KUL is as cheap as chips (Kiah..ko hengat tak that perma-tanned guy rambut kiting yang kerja nya jual antic kat BBC Roadshow tu) now...Sultan Brunei pun boleh kopak. Malaysia Airlines lagiiiii lah culprit.

At this age, love obstacles is the things you can do without. Makcik tak larat dah. Ni semua menyahut cabaran Kiah lah ni...that I must move on and be happy.

I am happy...but I am fast running out of energy...and hope. In the teraphy room, I am often asked by the depressed ones..why..this is unfair. I always said..nothing is fair. Ye lah...for the sake of saying things lah masa tu.Bila orang dah moan-moan life is unfair, to justify his/her agony..kita pun kenalah cakap 'nothing is fair in this world' kan?

I always said..that we all have a choice. A choice to choose who we love (however unrequited) and the choice to be happy. The things we choose is not necessarily the one that is perfect. Ada laki tak kaki rambu...tapi hati dan perasaan sesejuk ikan tuna kat Newfoundland lah pulak kan?

My Boss said that it is better to have this distance...ye lah...kalau depan mata kang puas dek nak sakit ati rimas pulak kan?

The perfect one is always...the one that will be at your beck and call, as and when you want. But that one don't exist.

Satu Hari Di Tanah Kubur

Just because you are now regularly updating your blog...you think you've been bestowed this liberty to mengata I ye??? Hish..hish..hish...knowing Kiah, she will only enriched with idea menghapdate blog if she sakit hati semaksima mungkin dengan MG...or adalah benda yang dia tak puas hati tu.

But, Kiah is nice enough to send me text message 'laling..update la'. So...that knocks me off my feet. I have been braving all those sora-sora sumbang...Timoh Angau la konon nama ku sekarang...hish hish...but dek kerna angau la, mood angin pus-pus dah takde so idoklah aku nak buat entry berbara api kan?

There's nothing new with me apart from kejadian melawan Boss hari tu. I have now decided to turun pangkat voluntarily. My 2nd Boss is really in denial, refused to acknowledge surat penurunan pangkat I. Maybe sebab aku ni dah selalu benau buat drama. But kali ni..drama tidak ada. Yang ada ialah mood yang kurang untuk menjadi ahli-ahli keparat. I told you kan...my work consisted of 2 divisions, ada division profit-making (ni lah yang paling menyakitkan hati) and another one is the service delivery division...something that I am very passionate about. In the UK and dimana-mana saja, kerja kebajikan masyarakat ni idoklah dipandang tinggi. Walaupun yang bekerja nya adalah 5'8 inci tinggi.

Kepada orang yang tak sakit...I ni dikata suka menjaga tepi kain dalam orang.

Kepada orang sakit....I ni pulak macam pengawas sekolah or pengawas perpustakaan gituu...yang menunggu masa aje nak cari salah diorang.

So, tidaklah boleh menang.

Semalam, I kena panggil dalam kerja-kerja rescue. Yang nak di rescue ni ialah Pakcik yang depressed ditinggal bini. Kalau ikut hati..nak aje I cakap kat dia, kalau dah hobi kau ngisap ganja, mabuk-mabuk, malas kerja, malas segala...jangan kata bini...tikus mondok pun tak nak datang singgah rumah. But mengikut file, Pakcik ni ada neurological problems. So kepada adik-abang-pakcik yang rasa recreational drugs itu adalah cool and ubat wajib sebelum menari tarian semazau kat kelab-kelab disco, silalah pikir side effects nya ye? Pathology manusia ni lain sikit. Kita kan ada bahan kimia dalam badan? Kalau chemical tu dah dikacau dengan ubat-ubat buatan sendiri ni...kalau tak mati, mau terpeleot kepala you....

Sebab I dah kerja dengan Pakcik ni lama...everytime dia buat adegan lari dari rumah tu, I tahu dah nak cari kat mana. So I cakap dengan Boss...jangan pi report polis la...buat dia lagi takut aje. Boss kata, you nak pi cari dia sorang diri ke? Boss kata bahaya..sebabnya ada kemungkinan dia dah ditangkap drug pusher ke hapa...and tak pasal-pasal, I pulak yang menjadik hostage. Tak pasal kan?

I cakap dengan Boss...takde nya dia nak cari drug pusher..drug pusher pun idok le bodoh nak buat bisness dengan orang dok dalam sepital kan?

This guy...kalau kepalanya terpeleot, dia akan berfeeling-feeling Jesus gitu. So, I tahu sangat lah kat mana dia berlabuh...dia akan buat syarahan free tepi kubur. So, kerja I semalam gi round satu tanah perkuburan tu carik dia. Tak jumpa kat satu tempat..cari kat satu tempat lagi. Ayooo....tanah kubur sini bukan kecik okay? Ada yang 10 ekar. Tup-tup jumpalah dia tido sebelah kubur ni. Kubur ni siap ada gambar orang yang tuan punya kubur tu lagi. Cantekkkk pompuan tu. Sebaya I pulak. Kesian...muda-muda dah mati.

So I kejut lah dia. I kata, kenapa you gi tido kat sini. Nanti family pompuan ni datang marah you pastu panggil polis, you tak takut ke? Pastu dia cakap...pompuan tu yang panggil dia. I tengok keliling...Pakcik ni pi hangkut segala bunga kat kubur orang pi taruk kat kubur pompuan ni.

I cakap dengan dia slow-slow (mind you..dia dah relapse clonazepam 50mg nya dah 5 hari..so his state of mind boleh lah dikatakan macam singa beranak tak lepas) dah lah..meh kita balik.

Dia kata, pompuan ni takut tinggal sorang-sorang. Lagipun dia dah dapat arahan Jesus suruh pi jaga pompuan ni.

Then sebagai penipu yang berkaliber I pun cakap...okay listen. I understand what you're saying but...look at you. You're unkempt. You stink..you haven't wash in days (nasib baik I belum makan masa ni you..kalau tak, slim macam Cheryl Cole la I tak lama lagi) Then I tengok lah batu nesan pompuan tu...nama dia Cheryl XXXXX. I cakap...you know she is still young and pretty. Do you really think she would want to be with someone who hasn't washed?

Pakcik Busuk tu boleh cakap..ah..she don't mind. I dengan konfiden tahap Anwar Ibrahim nak jadi PM nya cakap..of course she mind. Have you seen her comes out from her coffin since you been here?

No.

Ding-dong.

Come on...I'll help you to shave and get some nice aftershave. We can come back later. Pastu dengan mega confident nya lagi I cakap...she told me she think you're cute, but you need to shave. She don't like hairy man.

Really?

Positive. Come on..jog along. I'll personally bring you back here later. Its a nice place to camp isn't it???

We went back to his ward. And course after ubat dah masuk..dia pun menjelma lah jadi diri dia balik.

After that kind of days...adakah kudrat ku nak hapdate serta merta? So percayalah bila ku kata...ku bukan Timoh Angau.

Sekian.

Update

I may published this a day late...thanks to my owl shift. I am so consumed with work nowadays, but Kiah like always tak percaya yang I kerja kenkadang kena kerja bersengkang mata dan bersengkang semua benda.

People are like wind. Very temperamental.Hari ni dia bertiup sepoi-sepoi bahasa...in 1/2 hour, dia akan bertiup Additional Mathematic. Besok, sesubuh gelap, dia akan bertiup Pengajian Agama Islam. Sometimes the cycle is vicious.No amount of mind-altering drug can help. When I started this job and witnessed the 'perks' that came with it, often I pray Allah to look after me. I am so,so exposed to so many danger, especially dimasa bulan mengambang.

My motivation to menjadi public spirited citizen semenjak 2,3 menjak ni adalah telah berkurangan dengan banyaknya. No..bukanlah disebakan oleh chenta.Saya sudah tua...tidak ada maknanya lagi untuk saya meleleh tak tentu hala. Zaman meleleh telah berlalu.Zaman berkorban apa saja pun telah berlalu (unless you all nak kira balik Malaysia 4 kali setahun itu pengorbanan) Sekarang ni adalah zaman hidup, berfikir dan bertindak untuk hari ini. Hari esok lain kira. Ye lah..hari ni saya boleh lah bercinta dengan Matt Damon, tetapi kalau esok Brad Pitt tetiba nak clash dengan Angelina Jolie dan memujuk rayu saya, tak kan saya nak tolak kan?

Few minutes ago, through FB, I found out that Ruby Ahmad, a fellow blogger has passed away. I was shocked. I don't know her. She don't know me...but she has written me many,many sweet notes.

In many of her notes, she invited me to the bloggers gathering in KL, if I happen to be around KL. I see that as a very nice gesture from her. She came across my writings and found my obvious dislike towards KaTak'ians somewhat funny. Lagiiiii lah I malu.

I never get to tell her that I am indeed not anti TKC. I think my propensity to write 'ill' about TKC is probably to annoy someone or potentially, an unconscious resentment of not being able to enter that such prestigious institution.Being a N9 girl...tapi tak lepas pulak masuk TKC.

I am also not into gatherings. People who blogs and gathers...like what Kiah said are all the 'elistist'. I am not. I wrote shit reading.

I started to follow hers since she visited me. She had the kind of life that I would be envious of and I like to be a part of. But I doubt I can change my personality from katak (real katak) to burung Merak. I am shy, over analysed and rigid. Most of all, I am so insecure.

I am sorry that she is dead. I want to be sad but that is going to be bit of a problem because I have no reason to.Her death is a sudden. I have experienced a sudden and unexpected death first hand. So I know the feeling of the people she left behind. For that i.e. the capacity to identify with her loved ones grief, I am sad.

Then follows by the sadness that I never acknowledge her invitations. But I don't know the meaning of this.

See...I told you I like to over-analyse.

Al-Fatihah, Kak Ruby. Goodbye For Now.

Update

More FB Disadvantage

Recently, I received a friend request. From a very familiar person....yakni adik ku, yang kurasa, memang sah lah kenkadang makan gaji buta berFB sokmo. Ni nak tanya, aren't Oil & Gas people suppose to be so high up they takde masa nak berFB-FB ni? Looking at my sister's online activity, rasanya idok la. Siap boleh masak-masak bagai.Me accepting her as a friend came after long thought. First she emailed me to check her FB profile, obviously ingat akak dia ngok sangat lah takde FB. Dia tak tahu, akak dia dah lama dah berFB, just tak kompang kat orang aje. So I said to her, my FB is private and its for friends only.So sebagai adik yang solehah lagi mithali, dia pun takdelah menanya lagi. Thing is, she is also friends with many of my friends (ye lah dah membesar dalam circle yang sama, mustik lah kenal orang yang sama kan? Lain lah mak lain..bapak lain..) so she popped out quite a lot as suggested friends. Recently, in one of my comments to my friend's status, which she also commented, I realised that, that commenting activity, inadvertantly showed up what a weird situation that is. We got FB and we are not friends and we KNOW each other. I was paranoid about what my friend (the status we jointly commented) thinks of us (of me)..like, kawan ajelah dengan adik kau tu. Bukannya orang lain pun. (See..I have started hearing voices ni) Then sebagai memahami dan menerima telepathy, my sister then directly send me a request, and I added her.....and 3 more siblings (my sister's existing friends). Tak kan aku nak ignore lak kan? Takut kecik ati lakkk.

Okaylah..I should stop being so uptight about my so called 'guarded privacy'...however the 'guarded privacy' still applies to some others. I ni memilih you all...kalau I tak pilih you tu, adalah sebab. Ada jugak dedolu yang I terpaksa kawan sebab ramai kawan I kawan dengan dia...kesudahnya, perangai semasing (termasuk lah perangai aku) semua cam cipan liar. So now ni, I usually ask around and sometime heeded after kawan bagi good recommendations.

And now...I realised that adding siblings as a friends is not always a good idea. We are not friends. There's certain things that you don't joke about casually with your siblings. Adik beradik I lain pesen sikit. We were moulded differently. I have a very tough exterior...mainly to cover the flaws. The others are more human.What can I say...I am a middle child. We have this set unspoken rules about being the complicated one.Today, I saw my newlywed brother's status and followed by comments made by his wife and friends. Not the sort of thing for kakak yang strict lagi kaki pukul to read. Pulak tu, kakak ni masih takde laki..bukan ke apa-apa suggestion yang mendatangkan makna perprojekan itu tak manis didiscuss depan akak kau ni? My sister in law, being the newly wed, of course lah akan menjawab laki nya dengan kata-kata manja and loving (read..gedik!!!) and I swear to god, kalaulah satu hari besok aku ber laki ke berchenta tak hengat, maka idok le orang lain akan nampak betapa agungnya..sucheee nya chenta ku. Sendiri tau dah lah kan? This sister in law of mine, dah le that day..ni belum nikah lagi ni...I saw her commenting of my sister's status (my sister tu pulak, boleh pulak pi bagitau kat kengkawan dia yang dia rasa loya and pening) and this SIL cakap lah...ohh, nanti boleh lah kita berpantang sesama ye..hikhikhik. Obviously, aku dah le menyampah dengan the thought of her laughing hikhikhik tu, bukan ke announcing yang kau akan berpantang sesama suggesting that itulah matlamat (di malam hari) kau lepas kau nikah dengan adik aku???!!!! Tak malu ke kat akak ni? Ke aku ake je yang emo macam sial? Hish..the unpretty sight of FB. Tu belum masuk lagi kes-kes laki bini communicating in FB..yang..sayang wat ape tuuuuu? nak muntah tak kau?

Can we consider our siblings our friends? Now that I see it, I would have despise them as a friends, dah le jadi adik-beradik pun payah nak suka kan? Ish.ish..ish. 3 days ago, my sister talked about some Malaysia reality program, yang honestly..if I am allowed honest opinion, that program is not worth energy even to discuss about. But I hated the fact that my nieces and nephews are expose to segala macam joke bangang..like LU PIKIR SENDIRI LAH...etc etc. How can you even laugh at that? I think Jangan Ketawa is superb compared to Senariokk, Cecipak ke hapa jadah tu. Ishhh! So, by making my feelings known to her about what I thought about the reality program and what sort of materials she exposed her children to maybe telah sedikit mengecikkan hatinya...although dia tak lah cakap.

So..I'm thinking of memotong kek sesama adik beradik ni.

Kecipanan Boss Yang Diluar Tabii

2,3 menjak ni (or semenjak azali) this Regional Director of mine has got into this habit of sending work emails yang berbau ugutan. Satu, dua kali...boleh lah tahan. Tapi kalau dah sepanjang masa pointing out the impossible and dengan tangan dan kaki yang ada dua, hati ni dah rasa nak mengunakan tangan dan kaki tu untuk men Jackie Chan dia aje.

I have made my feeling known about how her expectation is far fetch, considering that I have so many caseloads including kerja-kerja paksa-rela yang kena dibuat untuk menjaga reputasi (shiallll aje bunyik nya) so I said to her, I can't mix business and my human responsibility.Unlike her, I have a duty of care. Dia takde. Dia punya duty is to make money and to generate income to the council. I have to care about masalah kepala orang.It is not easy.

Since reunited dengan orang KL itu, dia pun dah tanya if tak nak ke balik KL for good.Ye lah...apa makna nak ada relationship via Yahoo Messenger kan? Lainlah kalau nak mengadu domba.YM kan ke famous untuk orang bercerita hal orang? Orang tu dah ada business and I pulak, walaupun takde business kat sini, tapi...tapi...nak ke aku pulang kepangkuan makcik-makcik Wok kat Paroi Jaya tu? What can I do? Jobwise...tak kan nak jadi cat sitter Kiah kot...melampaulah kan?

So today, I emailed my HR to enquire about role changing. I have now decided to menjadi V(ery) I(mportant) K(uli) and just checking with mortgage and what not, financially, what sort of £££ I'll be worse off. Tak apalah...banyak duit sangat pun nanti kerja dok nak balik KLLLLLLLL aje kan?

So today, I am going to stop caring about others.For at least 12 to 14 hours (sebelum cake Cafe World tu masak) and start caring about what really matters to me.

Something To Cheer Kiah Up

Starring......

Kiah....The Lead Dancer
Makji Esah....Left Wing
Belladonna.....Right Wing...

Update (Latest)

Percayalah.......when I said that I am insanely busy, my words are true. Tak tipu.Sungguh!!!!

Since January, there is this huge problem at work, and because everyone in it is at risk of being expose inside surat khabar, I am constantly on my toes.See..the reporter in the UK not only like to jaga tepi kain Ashley-Cheryl Cole and John Terry, they also like to jaga tepi kain Social Worker like me.We often got critisised because of the decision we made.

Somebody dengan sesuka hatinya pi membunuh diri dengan meminum air kencing setan dengan banyaknya recently. This person happened to be under our care.With years of alcohol abuse dicampur pulak dengan Bipolar disorder nya, Makcik ni memang macam time-bomb.Her allocated pekerja sosial pun dah pergi long-term sick leave (aku aje yang belum lagi ni...)so secara paksa rela, we had to share si Samdol ni punya workload. Bila Makcik ni jatuh coma, we were critisised by the family for allowing her to make bad decision.

Bila lagi orang nak paham yang...manusia ni tak boleh ditahan-tahan? You can ask someone to be careful tapi kalau belakang you itu jugak yang nak dibuatnya, apalah yang kita boleh buat? Macam ada sorang pompuan ni, dedolu masa kecik-kecik, Mak kata..sebelum tido cuci gigi..every 6 months, gi jumpa misi klinik gigi tu...bak sini Mak cabut gigi yang goyang tu. Tapi pompuan degil ni..tak nak dengar.Takut dentist kononnya. (perlu diingat... Dentist circa 1978 to 1985 boleh buat part time jadi Cikgu Disiplin)Kesudahannya...gigi bengkang bengkok serta tak lawa. Nasib baik ada kawan Dentist.

For all that reasons at work, my writing time...my me time is limited. Not to mention trying to make time to do the long distance thing.Penat wooo...

But to some people, BUSY and tak sempat or takde masa nak hapdate blog only applies to PHD student.Podah la...tapi sempat gak gi sample hi-tea sana sini aku nampak? Pahttu gi ngukur Jalan TAR tu, ada pulak masa kan?

Oh ye..since I dah start menghupdate, I want to tell you one very takde moral story.About me laa...siapa lagi..kang kalau I mengata budak TKC kang, ada orang kecik ati pulak.But perlu diingat ye, only TKCians yang suka nak tayang badge KaTaK diorang whilst diorang bersidai kat Jalan Dato' Bandar Tunggal tu.Dah tau keluar pekan, simpan lah badge dalam beg. Takkk..nak tunjuk jugak kat orang-orang Somban tu dia tu sekolah kat atas bukit nun..pigi dahhh hang.

In FB (damn you FB) I managed to traced this guy who was in the same class as my eldest brother. Nak jadi cerita, I pun satu class dengan adik dia. But atas kegatalan yang semulajadi, I searched for his name instead of his sister. And I found him.We added each other. Of course lah both of us got genuine reasons that time, that he is keen to reconnect with my bro and I pulak dengan adik dia.HARAM JADAH you all....

What he didn't know, in school, back to the days..I fancy the pant out of him.Dia idok le hensem...tapi, he is one of the budak pintar gittewww.I am easily attracted to brain on the top (not the bottom) From time to time, we message each other tanya khabar. He has 4 kids. In one of his message, he said that his youngest baby masih menyusu with extra sentences..macam bapak dia juga. I wonder what he meant by that but at this age, I must not find that kind of remark amusing because at every corner left right and centre, men like to use those phrase, insensitive of the potential faux pas (menyusu? baby and men..kan ke lain macam aje makna nya tu...ish)

I decided to leave that as joke bangang, or maybe he thought that he was talking to my brother instead of me...eh, tak ke dia tahu yang kita ni agen pemberi susu jugak, Kiah oii??? Shialll aje kan???

Last week, I message him again about some news I read about our former school. He told me that he is keen to get in touch with his former classmate and sebagai public spirited citizen (although Kiah might want to differ..elehh..update blog tak ndak..menggatal ada lak masa) I shared with him the information that he may find useful. I complimented that he look cute in his old picture. He responded by saying that he nak muntah with my remark...in a funny way lah. Alaa...mustik lah malu kan. He reckoned he was a complete nerd.

Then....dengan muka tak tau malu nya...I said, hey..I have always think that you're the good looking one.In fact, I told my Kakak (our maid) that you memang hensem compared to the others.

Terus dia tak jawab my message you. Hehehehee....I'm not sure if I'm too direct with my opinion, but to me, I have now crossed one of my things to do list.

Nak dijadikan cerita, 2,3 menjak ni...you know lah FB like to give lists of people you might know and you might want to know.This particular profile of a woman keep popping out.The thing is we don't even have a mutual friends pun. So,I look at her profile carefully and I think she doers look familar and with very I-heard-your-name-somewhere kind of name.

See, this guy ada upload gambo anak-anaknya dalam FB. And I suddenly realised that she (the woman that profile keeps popping out for me to add as a friend) resembles one of the little girl.

I figure out that ini mustik emaknya. Ish..ish..lawa pulak tu. And I pulak baru lepas menggatal dengan bapak nya.

Trust me...I have not been eating anything aphrodisiac.

Update

Trust that I will always make time to mengumpat, nohhh Desert Rose??? Yelahh..aku takdak kaki nak gi shopping-thon macam you all, so masa ku diperabihkan mengumpat orang lah hah!!!

I think since last week, terkeluarlah cerita si laki Cheryl Cole yang dok 2,3 menjak ni pi nyanyi lagu fight,fight,fight,fight..fight for this love telah melakukan perbuatan terkutuk belakang bininya yang femes lagi chantekkkk ittew. See..badan chantekkk dan muka yang lawa kenkadang tak memberi makna apa-apa pada sang jantan kan?

So, that is 2nd news in Chelsea FC yang aku tak berapa sokaa tu lah. That day the Captain ada affair dengan bini kawan dia...and bini current dia pun nak tayanglah kat dunia yang dia dah kuchiwa dengan perangai buaya lake placid laki dia, dia pun buatlah adegan lari dari rumah hangkut sekali anak dia yang dua orang tu. So..dalam The Sun, Toni Terry tu buatlak muka sedih sadin 2,3 hari ditepi pantai kat Dubai nun.......until later in the week, John Terry pi datang jilat pasir (untuk ke beberapa kalinya) and depa dua orang tu pun berbaik lah...(bodoh nya bini dia..kalau aku, masa ni lah nak gi mintak cerai berai and take him to the cleaners kan Kiah?) But...yelah...chenta ke, financial security ke...pasal anak-anak ke si bini sanggup ambik balik laki dia yang bangsa penyapu tu walau dah kena tipu selalu. I ni pakkal tak masuk women lib punya organisation aje, kalo tak nak aje aku bagi counselling free kat Toni Terry tu...ye lah, bukannya sekali laki kau terjebak githoo. 8 kali dengar nya. Kalau nak bagi maaf setakat one night stand lepas mabuk ke, takpelah jugak kan? Ish...ish...biaq pi lah hang...tunggu lah sikit hari lagi kalau John Terry tu buat hal lagi, janganlah masa tu pulak hang nak nyesal nah? But I think, maybe it is unfair for me to say this..manalah tahu..kot-kot dalam diam si Toni Terry tu ada misi tersendiri..yakni mencuri duit lakinya £1000 sehari...cukup 70 juta, terus lari cari toyboy kan? Wahh..masa tu, haruslah kita semua bertepuk tangan cakap 'you go, girl..' kan?

Ashley Cole tu pun, that day sibininya dah bagi ampun. Nasib baik lah. Tup-tup..buat hal lagi. Pastu ada hati nak bagi alasang bangang katanya gambar-gambar bogel dia tu tertinggal kat dalam phone pay-as-you-go nya yang dia dah pi kasi kat orang. Ni kira nak bagitau donia, yang hang tu kena naya lah kan...tapi apa case pulak orang kaya macam Ashley Cole tu nak pakai mobile phone ber top up bagai? Padan muka hang...bini hang nak mintak cerai. Kesian bini tu, barulah berplanning nak beranak katanya...tup-tup laki buat hal.

Talking about men and their tendency to menjilat pasir...e.g. Tiger Wood tu pun (pandai pulak nak salahkan dia punya sex addiction) we wonder if all this apology is made for the sake of apologising and to show the world and their binis that yes, they're sorry and gives out message yang...yang sudah tu, sudah lah..kan ke I dah mintak mahap ni?

Or, maybe they're just sorry that they got caught???

I'm sure men are not that forgiving when come to their wives ber poya'an dengan jantan lain, kan? The thing is I'm sure women are not just ber poya'an for fun. They probably tired of giving out message to their hubby that they're not into them anymore and laki pulak bangsa tak paham bahasa mulut and bahasa badan. So, when they get caught, masa tu lah laki baru nak sedar or nak bagi cerai terpaksa ke, so that their wives can jalan dengan other guys. Betul ke? Ish..ni I lah yang rasa.

So, the cuckold husband is far than many while the forgiving wives are just plenty. Tak tahulah if Tiger Woods nya wife and Cheryl Cole nak hambik balik laki diorang tu...but if they do, maybe its because of pure love, hoping that the man will change. I'm sure these women wonder...apalah salahku before their husband infidelity, knowing laki puaka will always want to blame wife for almost anything.Kalau boleh, gempa bumi kat Haiti tu pun salah bini kan?

I have many cases like this. I nak hasut orang suruh pi benci laki/boipren pun kalau orang tu hati dah chenta, chenta lah juga..dan sanggup menunggu orang yang sama aje (aku ni cakap pasal siapa ni?) I always said..if you can get past his lies, the deceit and everything...and your love is worth fighting for.Only you know how you feel and what you want. I'm sure kalau satu hari nanti hati dah benci...kaki sendiri boleh jadi ringan nak lari. Takyah mintak nasihat orang dah.

Good Luck, you