Something Is Wrong With Me...Chemically

Really. I can feel it in my bone.Experts say you must not sell yourself short, but ideally, would we rather have others notice the irregularities before we did?

When I call someone in my office, I usually fire away the list of standard questions and in between addlib (betul ke ngeja nya ni?) soklan-soklan tersendiri, depending how nosy and inquisitive my mood is for the day.After I finished with them, I then call my team and we discussed the person and the information I just gathered.Believe me, I do feel bad doing it...for a living.Imagine, you confide in someone, tell them things that for the life of you, you wouldn't tell anyone and hoping that the person that was listening not to spread that information out,let alone making judgements.

Me? Not only that I spread the words around (between my colleagues and YOU who reads), tak cukup dengan itu, siap kutuk, buat analisa sendiri and obviously,being human that I am...passing judgement tak tentu hala.Keji tak? Keji..sungguh keji.

As at today, I have been working for 16 days non-stop and more than 12 hours a day. It's a choice.Nobody made me but workload is just getting fat and fatter.On my way back from Weymouth, sempat pulak aku bercanda dipasiran pantai, minum kopi dengan si tembam tu.Must I say that he has lose a bit of weight? (Katanya...) He reckoned that punca dia membesar begitu sekali is because of his Teh Tarik consumption. But I told him that maybe because he lacked exercise.I don't think he is the type of guy who like bia-walking around town or padang-padang permainan, let alone ada gym membership.

He never stop saying 'too English lah you sekarang...' and me...apa yang English nya?' Well...that's my polite way of telling him udah-udah le guna chat up line like that.JT always come up with unflattering (to me laaa) chat up line.Maybe orang lain sukalah kena puja-puji (ye ke compliment?) like that, but being paranoid me lately ni, I can't help to get so many syak wasangka apa aje orang cakap. 2 days ago, I told my partner 'I think I'm fat'...and orang tu tengok-tengok 'Maybe you should exercise a bit more'. And aku dengar marahnya respond 'So do you really think I'm fat now'. Padahal, orang tu hanya menjawap in passing, takde pun cakap I ni dah debab...plainly meaning kalau kau rasa kau gemuk, kau exercise lah.Tapi aku pulak yang tetiba panas hati.

See...first indication, Paranoia terlebih-lebih. I can't blame it to time of the month anymore. Tak kan la..asal mood swing aje, salah period kan? In fact lately ni, tak period pun aku rasa paranoia semacam.

2ndly, social inclusion. I received messages everywhere...in my mobile inbox,email and facebook. I don't even bother to reply.In facebook, you can get away with poking your friends partly suggesting to them that you're thinking of them and still breathing.Otherwise, you can still be this gatal person who suka mencocok-cocok thinking that your friends is somekind of fish kat Pasar Besar Seremban tu.I keep telling myself that when I'm free, I'll revert.But takde nya.Any free time dihabiskan dengan tengok CSI and seeing banyaknya back stabber dalam office they all making me think that maybe I shouldn't trust easily.

3rdly, experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices.Some information that I am pre-morbidly aware of.I think I hallucinates things like

a) I thought I saw MB masak nasik goreng and I told her, 'Oi..boleh ka kitak goreng telur sekali and hidang kamek nasik goreng kinek tok?'. And nya madah...bila masa kamek goreng nasik ya? So kesimpulannya, I saw something that didn't happened.

b) Lately ni, aku berlari sakan mengejar bus. There was 2 times, I come off the train and I saw the bus that goes direct to my office and macam Marina Chin, aku pun berlari la sampai tercungap-cungap but when I reached the bus stop, the bus that I thought I saw either ghaib dari penglihatanku yang gersang ini or suddenly become a different bus.

I do not wish to start on hearing voices.There's a lot of miscommunication in the work place lately.Things that I thought have said, tapi sebenarnya tak berlaku.'No, you didn't say that...but I did'. Like that lah.

One pregnant woman think that I'm horny thus explains why I now have this weird thought in my head...like aksi-aski perlakuan seksual dengan Boss.Not only with Boss, with some other six packed baru habis praktis main rugby men as well.

But sorry, I now have to disagree. But I don't want to explore further in this subject being gadis pemaliewww that I am and that we, gadis-gadis pemalu terakhir should not be explicit on our bedroom thoughts.I think I'm just drawn closer to Boss and Boss being extra nice.And being the ever confused and complicated me, I bound to feel like terjatuh chenta with sesiapa pun, who treat me right. I once think that I jatuh chenta with this blogger yang kununnya trapped in loveless marriage, but after a while, setelah ku sedar diri yang chenta yang macam gini hanya akan menserabutkan kepala, not to mention takde makna, I slowly grew out of it.

I think to the extent of being unfaithful, we got to allow ourself to separate the reality and the emotion.Reality for someone, yes, aku ni dah berlaki, berbini, beranak bagai...so jgn lah nak berhanky-panky kat luar rumah.But we are very much affected by our emotions anyway.Reality is, partners can be a pebbles in the shoe, menyakitkan hati kadangkala...but until your feelings tell you otherwise, I don't think we will mind the ocassional prick so much. We find our own comfort drowning in our own emotion.Not realistic but just a plain comfort.There's nothing wrong with having dreams,explicit thoughts...like lari dengan laki orang or fucking your office mate blind under the desk.I certainly don't call that unfaithful.It is just a mere comfort and most probably we can't get from the partner.

But please, I'm not putting ideas in your head now.I now worry that I may have signs of chemical imbalances, the classic cause for every accute mental illness in this earth.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

Happy Easter

Note. I bukan malas nak update...fact is, I'm reeling from the frustration of not being able to.See, I need to write to let out.Like orang ittew, this is the only channel for me to air my laundry...clean and dirty.

Yes, I was working over Easter.Money is good, but that was not the reason.Working on both bank holidays (Good Friday & Easter Monday) will pay for my direct flight fare to KUL without even touching my net pay.So, I will not complaint.Boss is going to Spain for holiday.Before dia berambus pergi Spain, sempat pulak dia suruh I suspend one of my support worker from duty,pending investigation.So, that left the unit short staffed.So yang kena kerja nya aku...

But in this post, I decided that enough rambling about work.Cara aku mengomplen macam aku sorang ajelah dalam dunia ni yang busy and miserable.My life is so uninteresting...I don't go places,I don't shop hence takdelah benda-benda nak ditayang...

Selepas puas si Tua tu ku kutuk dan sumpah, we decided to give the relationship another go.Too much is at stake but I have decided,kalau hati ni masih boleh bersabar,sabarlah.After all,when I think about it,I can still very much do what I want to do.I am at work MOST of the time.I'm not a perfect partner in many,many ways.A colleague asked me today if I ever wanted children.Without a tinge of hesitation,dengan bongkak nya I said NO.I can't look after myself,I'm too selfish and I developed penyakit pelupa besar nowadays that I know one day my child will suffer...ada ke emak lupa yang dia ada anak? Adaaaa.....siapa? Ala...Hjh Esah la...dia hantar anak dia gi nursery in 2009, sekarang dah 2020 pun lupa nak ambik...boley? So kepada sesiapa yang ada anak...kalau setakat nak jadik godmother beli hadiah, bawak jenjalan..itu boleh.Nak commit 24 jam and a lifetime...acik mintak mahap la yo....

So, NO.I'm not going to talk about F either here.Ni masing-masing tengah mood baik...trading phone calls maybe 4,5 times a day.Tapi kalau temperature dah start naik...mau berbulan tak bercakap!!!

Bila dah ber partnerkan orang putih ni...or shall I be more precise, ber partnerkan orang kapir ni...maka,tak banyak sikit, kenalah acknowledge segala perayaan kapir ni kan? We did spend Easter together and bought each other Easter Egg, walaupun kesudahannya, habis telur ceklat ku digasak oleh sidaknya yang buruk siku...bagi I, tapi dia yang makan.Apo makno eh tu?

F suggested that I watch this program in BBC about Jesus, the crucification and the later ressurrection.See, what do I know about the Easter celebration apart from beli Easter egg? Yeelek!!!

So I watched the program.The whole episode of 'Passion'.About Jesus and his decipher,how they went around preaching, annoys the Roman,got himself crucified and rise above to heaven.Little that I know, from there developes the Christians and the Roman later become the Roman Catholic and the Hebrew remain their Judaism.

I realised that there's a lot of things I don't know and history about all the religion in this world is all very unique.People do struggle to spread good things.Make me wonder that after many years, people still kill/disagree about each other choice of faith.

Nevertheless, Happy Easter. (Matilaaa dah basi)

Panic Button

Today is Monday. As promised, I agreed to go to Weymouth to meet with client B,G and Z who will be admitting in our facility in Dorset.G is a convicted sex offender and B and Z, is an avid drug user. All diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Boss promised that this will be the most 3 days work and then I'll be free to return to London. But I know 3 days is janji palsu semata-mata.Settling a newly-discharged secure unit in-patient in a new environment is a hard work.I don't know why NHS don't want to pay a qualified Occupational Therapist to do this work.

I have carefully planned that I will at least try to settle the sex offender's first, as the risk of him being vulnerable to others is greater.See, while we all may think that sexual predator is the ganas one, my findings always tell me otherwise.Tuhan ajelah yang tahu if they all ni berlakon.

This will be an interesting journey for me for the next couple of days.

I must tell you this. I always get to meet the 'psycho maut' people. You can tell from their eyes and they are all often very scarry. I always fear that one day I might ended up badly beaten up by this people, who knows if I tread wrongly.One day in a admission meeting, this woman threaten to slit my throat and had to be restrained.I was shaken and she was very near and our eyes met.Suddenly I remember that once upon a time, I was so scared of a neigbour's dog that followed me back from my kelas mengaji.My brother keep whispering 'jangan lari..jangan lari...' but he ran away leaving me behind.That left me with no choice but to read what my father taught me.

Like the stupid dog, this manic woman went flat.I don't know what surah that ayat is from, but enough to keep me safe in all manic situation.

So, ingatlah..bila nampak anjing or orang gila..silalah baca 'Summum Bukmumm' tu ye....

Entry Sewel

This was written on Sunday 16th of March.Tapi lupa nak publish.I must warned to you who is reading this that I have not been functioning like any other normal working person. Apparently, I have been working night and day, only ever have some free time to eat, sleep,doing a bit of laundry and watching CSI.

I keep ignoring Facebook request (plus...I must admit, I really tak reti when people sent me all kind of notification and request...alaaa, hantar message aje lah, takyah lah nak suruh I buat quiz ke bagai, susah lah babe)

I have to attend 12 discharge meeting in one week. All schizophrenic case. All is set to live in the community. Boss asked me to come up with some relapse prevention plan and due to some foreseeable risk, I have to work closely with the Community Police. At the end of the day, I am dead knackered. For this, I thank god, I don't have laki or anak. Mampus kena cerai, mampus anak kebulur...and jangan merasalah nak jadik Tokoh Maal Hijrah ke or Tokoh Ibu Mithali. Tak kan ada nya...

Next couple of day, I will be send away to a place called Weymouth, down south.Boss yang suruh.Lately ni, I feel compelled to do what ever Boss asked me to do.Tanpa bantahan lak tu.Why lah? I sudah syiok kat Boss ke? Eh..can happen taw...if you spend so much time in close proximity with some one, on the phone selang 30 minutes...chenta boleh berputik tawwwwww.......

Nah...Boss is not my type. What is my type? I spent 3 years in all girls school...another 2 more years in that konon nya 'berlambak bebudak pandai' school where all the male species is equal to celaka besar.So, I bound to found comfort in 'no men land'.

As much as this thought is scarry, I am so open to everything right now.My Boss is very thoughtful, well she have to, didn't she, kalau tak mampus lah siapa nak buat kerja macam nak mati.We Malaysian are so hardworking (quoting my Boss) maybe because we know we are away from our own comfort.Like the Chinese in Malaysia.

I think I have passed giving in to community expectation. My parents sungguhlah dah give up nya nak mengenenkan I dengan jantan-jantan Malang as far as from Bukit Chedang.

Let's look at more healthier options...pick up any nice gay man as a good friend (or as handyman around the house) and another female companion.

Women look after one another...they might be bitching non-stop but they forgive and forget easily. Women are very loyal too.

Sexual pleasure? There is always Ann Summer's gadget.

Bersambung.

Mulutku Yang Masin

I'm not a big fan of sodium chloride.Yepp..I like to eat asams but not the really masin one.Some asam got salt sprinkle on it, so sorry lah...kamek sik suka.

Why am I taking about sodium chloride/asam/masin? Long,long time ago when I was in that sekolah budak-budak famous (lebih famous dari TKC tawww) kat Seremban tu (I'm talking girls school here) there was this classmate of mine (mano tah poei eh..dalam Facebook pun tak jumpa) yang hobi nya suka mengenen I dengan this particular boy from KGV. I have to cross his path on my way back from school to the hostel. The asrama that I used to lived in, (alaaa....dekat STAD tu) dekat benar dengan sekolah Mamat ni. He is not at all handsome (kurang ajar nya...) and I don't know why, dalam keadaan aku tak berboifren that time and when the whole school dah ada pakwe (and makwe..heheheh) patutnya kalau orang dah berkenan tu, kawan aje lah kan? But you know, with looks like him, takde pakwe pun takpe nyah. Not only his looks that put me off, his perangai...his attributes...takde langsung ciri-ciri nak dijadikan boifren.

But this friend of mine was so insistent, god knows if she makan komisyen from this boy because she happily ready to become his postman, menyampai surat-surat chentanya kat I...tulis surat pun pakai exercise book, bangsa koyak page kat belakang...tak gentleman betul.Well, maybe he can't afford a proper writing pad.

Everyday without fail, she will pass on his salams to me...Eh Makji, dia kirim salam la...everyday I tell you.I will just keep quiet and my friend often said 'berdosa tau awak tak jawab salam dia'. One day tah cemana, this boy was on his way to the Gold Supermarket (wujud lagi ke ni?) and was walking pass my school.I was on my way out and alamak...we bumped into each other. This time he really sampaikan his salam to me in person.He was with his gang, like gangster Kg Dusun and aku pulak sensorang...he just went on and on, berdosa kita tak jawab salam orang tau...followed by evil laugh from all that KGV smuts. Panas betul hati I...sepanas hari itu.

The next day at school, I told my friend of my ordeal and cakap kat Minah ni...'ko pegi lah kirim salam maut dengan budak tu...'.A week after that this boy died.Electrocuted. My friend was sad, blaming my mulut masin wishing him the bad luck.But how was I to know?

Similar thing happened when my late brother was ill.Not that I wish him dead but the very last day that I visited him at the Hospital, I went home to pack my bag, I packed baju kurung and tudung too, feeling that I may need it. 15 minutes after that, he passed away.I really,really hate myself for feeling that.Until today.

Last week, I was driving from Essex to London. I suddenly thought about this friend of mine (somehow we are related by marriage) who was met by an accident maybe 15 years ago.We were at the wedding and on his way back, he was run over by a gang of motorcyclist.I saw him at the hospital the next day.He was chatting happily to us with his entire body bandaged everywhere.He slips into coma after that.From what I was told is the hospital fault, giving him too much anaesthatic and this later turned into permanent brain damage. I visited him as often as I can but I got caught up with life responsibility.But he remembers me at every visits I paid him by blinking his eyes.

Tah macam mana, last week...terkenang pulak kat dia.15 years is way too long to be bedridden and to completely lost the bodily function. I supposed we have to thank Allah for him to live to see people around him.I asked about him from people who knows him and condition still the same.While stuck on the M25 traffic last week, I think my heart said 'God, what a pity and what a great pain for the whole family have to endure all this.He is under a great deal misery.He should have died in that accident'.

I got a message yesterday that he passed away last Friday.I just wish that I never had that thought.I really feel awful.But he is now at the better place.

Al fatihah, Mohamad Anazeem.I will always remember you...the chirpy you in that stripy yellow shirt, you wore the night of the wedding and the accident.

Wednesday Speech

My Lunch....In the end, I makan pakan tangan...and orang putih next to me pandang tak berkelip-kelip

Being physically unwell has never stopped me from mengumpat. See, I am a suitable candidate for general election. I like talking about people. The juicier the gossip the better. I can do long-distance call, kekononnya nak menanya khabar kengkawan yang hati gundah but pertanyaan khabar pun diselang-selikan dengan cerita-cerita berunsur gossip jugak.Ahh...that will make my day.

The weather has been crap since last Monday. Dengan angin kuatnya, hujan nya...although my company ada bad weather policy, Boss cakap, angin kuat pun kena kerja jugak.Well, that’s the agony of working in this field. Real wind can blows this and that ways...but another type of wind also capable of blowing so hard that although langit nak runtuh, Boss can still summon you to Opis. Celaka lu, Boss!!!

But today, I succumbed to the reality of life where when one that is over exhausted by work; one shall collapse in dire condition. So, I was in Croydon yesterday...almost the whole day (yes, Kak Teh...this is where that mad maniac rape the woman while she was dying) I was asked to handle an abuse case (kat sini, when I say abuse, bukannya kes cucuh tangan dengan puntung rokok okay?) One of my colleagues is a sign language expert and aku terpaksa hurung dia datang Croydon and this young lady (yang konon nya mangsa penderaan seksual) will only talk to me.

The Policeman who was supposed to record the statement didn’t turn up. Waste of the bloody journey.Hey...Twickenham to Croydon jauh tawww. Since aku dah tercongok-congok kat situ, The Manager of that unit asked me to look into the this P file (alaa...yang suka gasak budak-budak kecik tu laa) and this colleague of mine, do what she have to do with the BP (budak pekak) Tiba-tiba boss muncul....ahhh...I baru buat plan dengan my colleague ni, since kita dah ada kat Croydon, meh la kita pergi Uncle Lim’s stall kat Alders tu, makan mee kari. Boss telah mengacau daun.Big time. Last-last, Boss left a message for us both masuk meeting kat satu lagi unit kat Croydon tu.Boss bought us sandwich when what I had in my mind is Mee Kari.

With me travelling in the bad weather dengan baju tak tebal on Monday and with me again stuck in the car for almost 4 hours, also in bad weather after enduring meeting berejam yang boring, today I really feel like dying.

I slept at 9pm last night (pecah record) and woke up at 4.30am...and came sunlight with another crazy wind, I said...okay, that’s it. I demam.Let me call Boss to tell her that I’m coming a bit late. I slept again until 8am, still rasa cam pengsan.

At 9am, I was half ready, with jeans and T-shirt, I told MB that I demam and start making faces. She talked me into ambik sick leave, which I readily agreed after she promises to masak ayam cili and kacang panjang goreng.Talking about feeling nak mati tapi nafsu makan cam babi!!!

So here I am...ready to mengumpat.Who should I kutuk first?

As we all now know, Barisan Nasional kalah besar...I am so happy. So happy that I gleefully posted a message on my Facebook.

Pak Lah and my father are good friends (according to my father la...), they were both into MAYC during their heyday. While my father opted to serve his employer until he pencen, Pak Lah becomes the known politician. My father only has nice things to say about him and I think he still does, because my father is nice to his friends. When we talk about politics, all of us tried not to drop Pak Lah into the subject because we know that my father doesn’t like to be put in the spot light, talking about Pak Lah. So, since I tak boleh nak kutuk Pak Lah with my father...let me kutuk him with you.

While most of us wonder why he still bother, after been caught sleeping (with himself of course) and after been critised openly.Pak Lah can happily live with his pencen and his new wife. I believe that he is not as overzealous as Anwar who can happily command anak bini to contest for him. What can Dr Azizah and Nor Izzah do without Anwar? Talking about Keadilan, Anwar and Co is one with a new palace in Segambut and elsewhere while others have to make do with the ever expensive things.Anwar was once the group he now despises. He is no better than the rest. So, Anwar or Keadilan supporter, if you reading this...gasak lah hah!!! I never like Anwar or Keadilan...but I like the look of Sukma Darmawan...boleh? Until they can convince me what Keadilan are for and why is it better than anything else, I will still think that Keadilan is the epitome of disgruntled wannabe PM that was sent to jail.

So Pak Lah...refused to step down.Takde paksaan katanya.I saw this interview of the TPM yang macam takut-takut, ohoo....I will continue to support PM...(or else I pun takde harapan lah nak jadi PM nanti...) And Khairy Jamaluddin can bark at his maximum pitch only in Rembau. They (the kalah one) berani pulak keluar statement ‘the Malays who vote for the opposition must now take responsibility’. a plakkkk!!!! Are we obliged to vote for Barisan? See...10 or 12 years ago, if I’m asked to vote between Mohamad Rahmat and Razak Ahmad, or any DAP candidates, Mohamad Rahmat boleh blah and continue singing in RTM.

Both me and MB were joking about kena pakai purdah after when we balik Malaya pasni (see...Kiah, area kau area Keadilan ke,Pas ke or DAP?)

Pak Lah already passed his retirement age, while he is obviously unable to take anymore pressure, let the others take over. Leave the Rembau Boy only in Rembau. Rembau needs a new President. Malaysian doesn’t.

Anwar should rule Segambut only and Malaysian TV never should allow any pro-politics ads on TV.

PAS...I honestly do not know the connection between ibadah and politics. Parents told children don’t do this, don’t do that...don’t slander...stop the diatribe. Islam doesn’t permit that. But PAS allowed all this in their campaign.

Why oh why, we didn’t vote for that Nenek Kunci? Who did Nenek Kunci slander? Nenek Kunci spent all her hard-earned songket selling money...

Let’s just see if anything changes in the next 5 years...

The Deceiving Story

Among all those gory crime story kat UK ni, I followed one case where this volunteer Policewoman was killed at her doorstep.This happened more than a year ago (or maybe 2?)

Sedih jugak la....but I cannot fathom why people want to volunteer jadi Police kat sini? Dah le tak berbayar, you might end up dead.Nak volunteer pun gi la jadi cikgu or aid worker kat Africa nun.Crime rate in UK ni, budak umur 12 tahun pun boleh bunuh orang.

So this lady,bless her soul, volunteered as a WPC (Woman Police Constable) kat area Wembley nun.Cantik la jugak.Here, we get to see the pretty version of Indian.I'm not saying all Indian are not good looking but compare Samy Vellu to Amitabh Bachan, the like of AB is plenty here...so this Nisha Patel is way better looking than your usual Kelly.(Hamboiii...mulut)

When the news broke, all of us (aku la) like always, kesiannya, muda-muda dah mati.She was stabbed with her own kitchen knife.We all thought that she is one of the have a go hero.The trail suggests that the attacker knocked her front door and a woman with a Police instinct, teruslah capai pisau potong sayur ikan bagai...aren't we all, kalau ada orang ketuk pintu rumah memalam buta?

Well, she was stab and died from a single shot that pierced her heart.Her husband takde kat rumah masa tu.Main snooker katanya.We all thought, ye lah, since her husband being a local businessman, adalah business rival ke nak membunuh bininya.Or, maybe some local had it in for her, with her being a policewoman (walau tak berbayar pun)

They interviewed the husband, yang masa tu sungguhlah wreck nya.Hensem you (Kiah...mcm ghope laki kau) Husband was crying, in the interview calling for witnesses....the news reports that when he was called home that night, he uttered dalam tangisan nya 'why did you open the door'. I had wanted to ask, yang kau gi keluar malam-malam tinggal bini sensorang buat apa? But he was grieving and I should not have evil thoughts.Lagipun, dia sungguhlah hensem...so, manalah tau kan....kot-kot nanti dapat kat aku ke...(that is really an evil thoughts)

Tup-tup!!! In the end, they caught her killer.Investigate punya investigate, they brought in the grieving husband as well.Of course lah he denied.But investigation found plenty of contact made between the attacker and the husband.I thought, okaylah...tak nak lah menyalahkan si hensem tu.He is in business,maybe is his business partner ke, rival ke.See, how looks can deceived.MB was so confident that lakinya musti ada kena-mengena but I was so tertipu with his tangisan (and his good looks) when he first appeal for witnesses.

Today, I bought a Sun Newspaper on my way to another work place.Before you ask, Kiah...I'm not buying the newspaper for all that inflated tetek on Page 3 okay? The Sun is damn cheap, 20 pence...plus the train ride is long and I need to catch up with news.

Ghope-ghope nya, si puaka jantan hensem tu, now is the main suspect.The news published his holiday shots with some Lithuanian prosty few weeks before the murder and how he is paying the attacker money to have wife killed so that he can claim her life insurance.I must tell you, kalaulah tak pasal gambar dia dengan prostitute ittew, aku mati-matilah ingat si Fadi Nasri ni tak bersalah githoo...and how I will stand by my man (yicksss...nak muntah nya...)

So me and MB talked about it again.MB of course la dengan theory CSI Vegas,Miami & New York nya...dey, just because kau dah khatam tengok CSI, does not make you the expert, okay? I dah cakap dengan you dah...there's something about that man..I knew it, I knew it.Talk about woman instinct.

Some of us are blessed with all this perasaan-perasaan where you can feel something is not right but until you know what it is, you can't get your finger in it.I don't.Until all is didepan mata, I am blisfully ignorant.I'm sure if ever there is a husband, my husband can get away with kahwin 2,3,4 under my nose and aku, sampai mati pun tak tau.

I'm not into kapak rampage upon my gruesome discovery, if my partner ever cheated.Well, I don't know yet, some of us will cakap macam-macam now when it hasn't happened but when caught up, kelu seribu bahasa.I might be saying that I'm cool with it now that I will just leave gracefully but one may never know.I will probably need more than a kapak.

Although I detest cheaters,you can never understand one would lie.I believe in love at the 2nd sight where we stumbled upon someone,feel the connection and have relationship, while still madly in love with someone else.

Tapi...tak yah lah sampai bunuh-bunuh kan? Well, when you are married, the stake is high.Anak la, harta sepencarian la...not many are willing to give up amassed wealth walaupun konek dah gatal tahap maximum.

Clean example, si JT.In our last conversation over coffee and cake, he is still not willing to give up his pasu serawak,although dia yang nak buang bini dia.You can be honest, in his case, last minute honesty...not to mentioned pengecut, he was planning his getaway from his kununnya loveless marriage,making sure all his airway dah clear and tinggalkan bini terkapai-kapai.I think men and woman need to be mentally prepared if they're losing one another.Life after marriage can be quite lonely, you've been with someone for certain amount of time,cinta tak cinta pun and to lose them from your system completely is hard.

Well, jantan celaka ada dimana-mana....in and out this world.Ooooopsssss!!!!

The Crazy Wednesday

Last night, I belanja my boss makan. Ceh...made a difference kan? Well, last week, I had a little disagreement with her.I think that was the 2nd time.The first one, I merajuk (as in I tak bercakap-cakap dengan dia for couple of days) but after few days, I realised betapa tak professionalnya I.Sometimes at work, we have couple of clashed opinions.But in my case, I know I was right. I made a decision to section someone under Act 4, but much to my dismay, family si Polan ni sudah pergi HQ and made a complaint abt me. Aku telah membuli anak mereka konon nya.

Boss rang me on the spot, and overturned my decision and suggests that we (me and my team) to look at the incident properly, buat post mortem la kira nya.Boss and her usual speech, we have to be very patient-centred.Konon nya.But what is so obvious is that her decision is more 'patient-family centred'.Sakit hati I tawwwwww.

So, I decided..sebagai tanda protest, I called her and asked what made she think that my decision ain't right. Boss said, it is not about the battle...it is about the war. So, that night, after my decision to section this guy was overturned by my own boss yang ku kira, tak tau apa-apa tu, si family celaka tu started to torment my unit.See, sometimes you think that mental health patient is dangerous kan? No, wait till you see their family, and with family like that, jangan kata anak they all, yang tukang jaga ni pun boleh jadi gila.

Hmmm...like any other melayu yang kalau kena marah dengan boss terus kata boss salah and merajuk berjam-jam, I did the same. I decided to take time off work with short notice.I need some time to merajuk in private.I was so dissapointed.I went into therapy and purge it all out...goodness, I am so childish.

I apologised to my boss.Boss tatau yang I sakit hati dengan dia.I told her how I feel.I have a lot of confidence to confront her when I am less angry.I chosed my words carefully. I told Boss, I am within my right to made that decision and for her to tetiba cakap I salah, sungguh lah kejam nya.While orang lain can have attitude lantaklah...this is just a job, no! It is not like that with me.Sebagai anak askar yang sungguh garang...I cannot accept such decision.It is about principle, and yes, if they have a problem with my decision, nak buat komplen...ikut proper channel lah kan...ni tak, gi lobi my Boss and si pompuan tu, teruslah cakap 'okay, okay..I'll sort Makji Esah out for you'. Tak ke membuatkan aku nampak extra bangang?

But after 48 hours...(memanglah I ni extra bangang) I realised why my Boss did what she did.And setelah I realised betapa buruk nya perilaku I...I called Boss and apologised.Boss cakap, okay but can you honestly see why we have to play the game these people are playing?

Boss took me out for a meal...I wanted to pay, but Boss cakap...takpelah, kita gasak duit company.But I still feel awful.See, Boss is indirectly my Cikgu.I was brought up not to go against Cikgu, walaupun Cikgu tu kenkadang macam puaka.I told Boss about this...because she is slightly older than me and also considering that she is nice (when she is nice) that we Malaysian tak leh kurang-kurang ajar dengan Cikgu and people older than us.I was actually overreacting and to show to her that I am so sorry, I musti belanja dia makan.

But last night, me and colleague decided to kidnap Boss from her hotel and took her to this very posh golf club in Herts.We had a good time (ni tak termasuk purse ku yang rabak since the bill came up to £120.00) But again, some of us have strong life principle.

Moral dari cerita I yang boring ni ialah...kalau orang gila, dia akan terus gila and kita akan dibuatnya jadi gila jugak.My Boss decided to go ahead to play the game...without making me go down that road of gila ness.It is not about who is right and who is wrong.We don't need to be as low as them.Tu dia ceritanya.

So kepada kengkawanku yang dihormati...we come across so many people that driving us crazy.Biarkanlah.Let them win.Some battle are not worth to fight.As long as kita pun tak jadi gila.

Six Pence Non-The-Preacher

There is this Ustazah from one east coast state now sent to jail for apostasy. 2 years...and this decision was made considering the severity of her doing. While I try to buat-buat tak nampak berita-berita menyayat hati yang lain (pasal orang itu yang konon nya nak menimang cahaya mata...cis..cisss...) I am now thinking very hard about this poor Ustazah.

I've learned well now after giving my opinion about Lina Joy. Never to discuss sensitip subject. But hey, sensitip subject is made sensitip by sensitip people.Overly sensitip people.But Malaysian people certainly cannot qualify for being sensitip....some of them I mean (mulut kena jejaga nih, I can't generalised Malaysian, considering I'm still one, my abang/adik/amma/appa is still holding that red passport. I think, if they can bear reading Noritta scandals,happily distribute some loocha DVD, setting up a webpage just to slander a name politician, they cannot be THAT sensitip.

Poor Ustazah.She must have been so well-studied in Islamic Studies to become one. I certainly cannot fathom the change of heart. I'm not all religious but yesterday, my boss remarked how 'religious' I am to be pswpswpswpswpspw.....before driving the car off. 'What are you muttering about'. I smiled. I was only doing ayat kursi and al-fatihah, something that I have been doing for almost 20 years now (since I dapat lesen...so Ood, ekau bilo eh nak dapek lesen ni?)

My parents emphasised on secular education but we were sent to mengaji earlier. My father would rotan if we tak semayang...and once, dek kelibut nya aku nak tengok Police Academy (Chung Wai Kit aiyaaaaa...) I actually completed 3 raka'at maghrib during the iklan...hah kau!!! Semayang apo tu? And because of my express rakyat/eurostar speed of semayang, Maghrib's time TV banned forever masa tu. Tapi, TVteegaaa masa tu mmg la celaka, yang pi taruk Cerita Cina tu pukul 7 buat hapa hah? But I don't hate TVteeegaaaaa...bcos TVteeegaaa got Wan Leha. It is better Wan Leha than Hjh Hazlinda, kan?

So, now I hardly sembahyang...I live like orang putih eventhough I kulit tak putih...kalaulah bapak ku yang Pak Haji tu tahu kegiatan sosial anak dia yang macam baik ni...harus aku dititah perintah balik serta merta. But I must have been love that cemana setan yakjud makjud pun,I never once nak menukar agama ni...possibly due to the faith.

The Jabatan Agama or who ever that made that decision to imprisoned that Ustazah is wee bit harsh. She just changed her faith with reasons only known to her and considering that this is an open knowledge, she decided to not live a lie as a non-muslim.Something that morally, we should give credit for.She did not kill anyone...she did not swindled people's money...and she did not do anything hideous or very criminal that can justify the prison sentence.She just lose faith.

Maybe the power that imprisoned her have deeper insecurity, they can't bear to lose her to any other religion. So they become harsher than necessary.This will ultimately make others judge us even more, condemn us more and whaddayaknow....losing faith in us completely.

So, to the power, I hope you know what you're doing.

Important Information

Kepada you all peminat-peminat serta pengkritik-pengkritik imeem list Makji Esah, tu dia...ada yang berani buat pidato piala perdana mintak I tukar/update lagu-lagu dalam juke box ittew. Meh sini I nak cakap sikit dengan orang ittew yang semenjak 2,3 menjak ni akhlak mengalahkan budak Romania (eeehh...kat sini kan, adalah segerombolan bebudak dari Romania tu, kerja memasing bila traffic light tukar kaler merah je, armed with window cleaning stuff and detergent buatan sendiri, terus pakat-pakat serbu kereta and cuci the windscreen, pastu..dah le kita tak suruh diorang cuci, diorang ni terus je demand duit singgit and if you tak kasi...habis kereta kena calar githooo)

Kau tu mengandung...buat-buat lah bawak diri tu mengaji Quran ke, dengar lagu Raihan ke, lagu nasyid kumpulan budak-budak pompuan tu yang hapa ke nama nya yang nyanyi lagu 'sayang-sayang ibu' tu. Jangan nak megomplen aje...tahu?

But, demi memenuhkan jugak hasrat mu ittew, meh sini ku persembahkan lagu-lagu yang patut kau dengar dalam labour room...tak pun bila kau tidur malam...bukan ke 2,3 menjak ni ada mimpi Sharon encounter la, Tracey la..Anna Nicole Smith laa...so, whenever you think of me, dengar lah lagu Spice Girl...I want to make you Holler tu...ingat tau...kau kena sebut 'Holler' tu 'Hollah', English accent githoo...

Well friends, it's about time jugak I tukar lelagu dalam my imeem list tu. Like said, lagu 'Holler' tu ditujukan utk orang ini...lagu 'Star' tu, lagu favourite I jaman muda-muda, jaman berchenta and this was actually dedicated to me from him. Tapi..lyric tak kena sungguh...the only saving grace is that I memang suka kat Mick Hucknall, kalau tak..mampos lah aku yang berfeeling-feeling sayu dengar lagu ni...

The Fairuz Hussein is also my all time favourite and Janet Jackson 'Escapade' ittew ditujukan khas untuk budak-budak MRSM Beseri Batch 6, yang selalu ponteng sembahyang (tapi pi cakap kat Kak Kapten, kami bocorrr kak...) pastu, bila org lain dengah khusyuk semayang, kita juga khusyuk berjoget ikut Janet Jackson...kan..kan..kan?

I've been busy and abused, but I'll write again soon.

Ciao.

Dozing off....

It's a 29th tomorrow, the one date that come only every 4 years...eh ye ke? The state of mind I'm in now, I am so unable to remember every little important facts of life. Nowadays, as long as I mandi, gosok gigi, making sure my Ipod is charged and makan, life is just perfect for me. Really. Sungguhlah depressing nya.

People said that because the leap year is so rare,masa ni lah pompuan-pompuan akan mengambil kesempatan menyunting kumbang-kumbang idaman hati they all (hamboii...bahasa ku) Sumpah I tak tau this (the opposite proposal) is the tradition in the leap year.I just thought that tahun lompat is just tahun lompat that have 29 days in it (eii..sensitip nya menyebut lompat-lompat ni...maklumlah hati masih hangat-hangat dengan budak TKC tu)

Well, since kumbang yang ku puja pun dah tak ada, and another kumbang-kumbang lain yang I suka semuanya didn't know that I exist, maka I will not pop any question to anyone. Walaupun ada orang dah meng offer dirinya...psttt..Kiah, you know that JT texted his cheeky message...'I can feel a special someone is going to be on her knee today making the honest man out of me' hish..gatal sungguh. I feel like calling him, I'm sure if you have the money, there's plenty of them girls will be on their knees....sucking you.Tapi, mulutku tidaklah secelupar ittew....

So tonight, I went and pick Capt Lukman up from his brothel...eh..hotel.I was so looking forward to see him, although I did get the date wrong because I somehow thought Capt Lukman will arrive on Friday and we will be painting the Soho area red (hahahha....kau ado Red Soho kat India nun, Hjh Leemah?) but just like I said, I was so blur, I can't even tell you the right time and date, let alone day...so, sehabis aje membanting tulang, I summoned MB to collect me from work and drove to Heathrow Renaissance.(Tapikan, MB ada hajat lain...dia nak collect supply rokok nya aje...)

We had Thai Food, where pompuan ayu me and MB melantak like tak hengat donia and Capt Lukman, fussing over his weight yang tak banyak mana tu.

See, after many days of sakit hati, there I was eating away with gorgeous looking Lukman...so, sesiapa yang berminat, silalah tekel ye...

Speaking of the leap year,I wish I can come out with something interesting to remember, or something naughty just to feed my boredom. I'm so gatal tangan nak mengacau si JT itu, see...this is something I don't understand about men. Depan you, macam macho...(in JT's case, sedikit macho lah) but when they are not with you, suddenly all the lovey dovey meleleh and you suddenly feel that you are having an affair with underage boys...

But I'm old now, you see. 10 years ago, I would have afloored if jantan-jantan meleleh like that...but now, I just couldn't be arsed.I think now, sweeping me off my feet is so easy. You just have to ask me out for coffee, tell me straight to my face that, you think you're comfortable with me and is there a possibility of being exclusive...and that's it, I'll sure consider. I just don't have the energy with all this schoolboys wooing tactic....makji dah tua dah..makji dah tak larat nyah...

Oh Raja Nazrin, tak nak ke you ambik I jadi suri istana you? Nombor 2, 3 or 4 pun tak pe tau...

Mental State(ment)

Since I was regularly busy with Crisis Management Team ni, I can't be arsed to check on my patient...stable ke idak...berapa kali dalam sehari ugut nak bunuh diri, dah makan ubat ke belum..ada side effect ka...aiyoh! Buatnya ada yang nak prove a point for being severely neglected by killing themselves ka...mau aku tak kena saman?

Unlike Hjh Leemah yang mega sensitive dengan keadaan alam semula jadi, I completely unaware that there was a tremor last night. Where was I, by the way..erm...yup, I was in this cheapo hotel in Croydon. I was working there and tup-tup, it was 10pm and since so many berita-berita yang menakutkan keluar in the newspaper, I decided to checked into the nearest hotel.No, I didn't feel the earth move and even if I did, I probably will think it was some loved-up couple ber-bonking-an in the next room.Who am I to tell the difference eh?

See, when I came into office today, I was given this concern form, filled by one of my colleague about this Asperger Man (AM). Concern nya bukan apa...his father suspect that si AM ni is a regular in this so called Bebo Chatroom. Al kisahnya, latest trend kat UK ni, budak-budak hingusan serata Wales tu, gemar benar membunuh diri...tak tau la pasal apa.Almost every week there's news about this girl and guy, umur muda-muda lagi..between 15 to 23 ,mati tergantung. Tergantung kat pokok la, tergantung kat knob pintu la..anak tangga la...hish...apa pesen nya ni????

Just because si AM ni suka buat announcement yang dia akan membunuh dirinya, his father dah risau semacam...so he demanded that we scrutinise him. Apa, bapak dia ingat ni Malaysia ke, boleh sesuka konkong-kongkong budak? Tak pasal-pasal aku disaman nya nanti using Human Right Law..invading his privacy.

If any of you are about to work with Mental Health Department, be prepared that sometime, you will have to do the dirty work for the parents/family.Family sendiri tak nak tanya so soklan-soklan cepumas camtu diserahkan kat kami-kami yang tak berdosa lagi senantiasa berada dalam ketakutan ni. Ye lah kan...not all question get graceful answer.It's not easy you know to ask things like....

How often do you masturbate? Why do you feel that you need to have sex with a ewe (ohh..my, believe me, I have to ask this!!!)

So, there I was, asking AM, about his activity in the internet...slowly leading to this deadly website kuunun nya....and do you intend to copy the deceased? Adoiiii...tak tanya, salah...tanya kang, kot kot I inadvertantly putting ideas in his head, tau-tau, besok aku jumpa dia tergantung.

Because I have already asked, I am now have to put him under 24 hours surveillance, and yang kena monitornya, aku la kan? Babi sungguh....

And here I am, after 11pm,still at work...but blogging.Semoga adalah sisa-sisa kudrat ku untuk menyundal dengan Capt Lukmang besok.

Laters....

Remembering Today

****I have one posting still floating so be warned that blast from days before will suddenly appear***** Ceh...macam bagus.

I have this old luggage stored in my father’s mini library in KL. One of his paid helper come across it couple of weeks ago and only last week father realised that it was actually mine. So he summoned si mini-CNN to ring me just to tanya what’s in that blue luggage and why was is locked? I had this feeling that one of these days they all will bound to ask apa benda lah yang aku simpan dalam beg tu, it has been there since 1998 and was last relabelled in October last year with big sign ‘Don’t Open & Don’t Steal My CD’.

I realised that some of my prized possessions (like CDs) dah ghaib. I know for a fact that my cousins-cousins puaka orang Seremban had stolen them (my mother resent I used the word ‘stolen’. Alaaa...adik beradik kau jugak tu...biarlah dia pinjam... But mother, listen...cousins are not adik beradik, you may be related to their mother or father but as far as I am concern, once they detest the boundaries like meminjam my CD without permission, the tali persaudaraan is long gone. Just like the CD.Longgggggggggggggggggg gone.

I managed to have some stolen CD replaced, it is so easy here, you log in to amazon and within 2,3 days, you have them CD delivered and I don’t pay the HMV or Virgin Megastore price. I paid so cikai price, I can get The Best Of Chicago album, silver edition for 99p. Kau ado? Tak ado kan? But sadly, while you can replaced the orang putih CD, how can I ever get back the like of Malaysian local group ‘Indesicive’ and ‘Intoxicated’? I was so lucky that nobody curi my ‘Lizards Convention’ CD. I was really nak nangis when the CD Shamsul bought me in one of our not so many dates ghaib. Syafinaz first ever solo album.

While most of my CD back home is now sorted, I still have one or two prized possession here there everywhere. Some of them is hidden in my blue luggage yang sekarang ni dok menjadi mystery kat my father and my little CNN sister.

My father thought that I have lost the key and forgotten the lock combination, so he said he will be happy to ask my kaki-pecah-rumah(oopss...my mother kenkadang kena kunci dek samseng kecik-kecik kat rumah,so my brother is often got call back to undo the lock..ish..kira pecah rumah lah tu kan?) younger brother to open it for me.

See, my father is very polite.Although he was the one who given me that big luggage for my first ever UK trip to study, I am so touched that he actually asked if he can open it. I quickly said no. I said to him that when I come back for Raya this year, I am going to sort my things out...hint..hint...kamek pulang raya tawww.

When I was dating Sham, like any other pompuan gedik yang dilamun chentaaaa, I saves everything for keep. The letters, the cards, the bookmark with his writings on it, the photos, even the daun kering pun. I don’t know if he still keeps the things I gave him. Because chenta ku diterminatenya tanpa notice, it took me a while to really realised that he is gone...the fact that we went out again for the 2nd time doesn’t help and overall, I don’t really know how long was it that I was really ‘free’ from him. I met him when I was 16, 3 years after that we went to UK,I came back, he left me for another woman, re surfaced after 5 months and resume dating for 1 and a half years, adalah dalam 10 years githoo...

Over the years, I know that I still keep the vast memory of him hidden somewhere and that is in the blue luggage. So when my sister asked me about the bag, hati ku macam terpana....eh, apakah makna nya terpana ni? Well, let’s just say that I was numb. It’s been a month now since his passing and to be honest, I haven’t got round to do my bit of grieving yet.

Lately ni, selalu jugak lah terkenang kat dia. I really believe that he came to see me before he went as I was remembering Paris with him and his warm hands. But I’m sure there are people out there that are missing him badly, more than I do. His young son, his mother and his sisters. He is their only son and brother. I am just an ex girlfriend.

Thinking about him in my happy memories really affirms the fact that I was once so in love with a very nice man but sadly, as much as I want to remember him alike, he was the one who broke my heart.

MS Disease

Yesterday, sesampai je depan opis...I decided to turn back and hop on the same bus (different direction) to balik rumah. I cannot face work today. I called Boss mintak cuti and I called my therapist asking for an emergency appoinment. No can do, dia pulak busy and nak tak nak terpaksalah I jumpa Mak Dukun Kg.Ajibah Abol a.k.a. MB

MB and me, long time friend. We go a long way back and my own sisters reckoned that me and her are more like biological sisters than I am to them. We laugh and we fight. I always run back to her when I got this massive unsolved problems, much to my partner dismay but who can deny that there is a special someone, totally unrelated but can become the most important thing in your life?

What was troubling me, si MB bertanya...she guessed that it must be the usual puaka from work, ahh that Italian family. Did I not tell you about this family? I told my boss that they are now starting to get me personally. I have started to think that it is the colour of my skin that they disliked and my 'accent'. So banyak cekadak...if I have my way, the sister is one ungrateful PAKI herself. See, mother Italian, father Pakistan..bad mix. You can have very emotional and very controlling...and tadaaaa..equal to gila. But their man/father don't exist anymore and I thought, good for him.He probably made the escape as fast as he can. They (the family, consists of mother and sister) really drives me crazy. I told MB about them. MB can either be very comforting in her words of wisdom or switch into batu api mode in no time and menambahkan lagi kesakithatian yang sedia ada.

The Italian invasion came after kata-kata puaka Kak Katak tu (ceh Kiah, hatiku yang mungil ni terasa jugak tau), I started to think that the universe is taking turns to gasak me.The fact that I have been working for the last 17 days non-stop is causing me a great deal of fatigue, one of stress contributing factor.

I have had so many melayu calling me sombong, not that I care much. Apart from Hari Raya's, there is no more melayu activity for me. I don't know any Malay that lives nearby and I'm not in constant contact with one either.I like to think that Melayu in KL are more modern-thinking than the one established here. The area where my father lives affirms my believe, the melayu neighbour next door hardly menyebok but I know they care. Hi and bye as the go along. Bayswater or Edgware Road melayu, you hi and bye, you get crucified. They are calling me and MB sombong but treatment that we get from the melayu waiter in Nahar or Mawar is far fetched than what you expect from a melayu that is melayu. I know this guy and he would call once in a while (if he needs something) His favourite first line is 'Eh..you all dah kaya..sombong tak ingat kengkawan'....while line like that can easily distress me, MB have a different East Malaysian attitude, 'Eh..memang I dah kaya...I kawan dengan Mohamad Al-Fayed aje..kawan dengan you buat apa..takde hasil'. Boleh macam tu cakap dengan orang?

MB said we have got to teach this type of people who first of all, takde budi bahasa bila telepon orang...you called me and you now calling me sombong? Apa case? Kalau dah tau I sombong, buat apa you all call? Ganas kan kawanku nan sorang ni?

So I think, when they say Melayu Sombong, they are referring to themselves.They live here and they have business here.Some of them even imported they own sedara mara to work for them and pay them ciput.This waiter/waitresses can't ever muscle a smile on their face maybe because they're badly paid.

I hardly calling or talking to anyone, no matter what country I live in. When I was growing up, people just don't barge into our house or call. My father is very strict and he, being a typical malay himself, value his privacy.

So, to all melayu in England...I am not in a rush to become your friend. I doubt in Malaysia that you'll be running to greet me pun, so what is the difference in here?

Funny enough that Kak KTK texted me to apologised, and now because I've been hurt, I don't intend to offer her or her lazy arsed hubby an olive branch.I want to live to her expectation..that I am indeed The Melayu Sombong...muahahahahahhaha

Katakophobia

Minah Rempit and Mak Buyung gladly reminded me of whatever happened to that Cik Abang Tembam? With Kiah being very precise wanting to know apa kesudahannya perchentaan daun pisang ku after episode pegang-pegang tangan kat Guilford ittew...(elehh..bukan nya French kissed Kiah oiii, kalau setakat pegang tangan, tangan sesapa pun aku boleh pegang kan?)

Myself semenjak dua menjak busy menjadik auditor Persatuan Karyawan Malaysia ni...nak cari mana pergi nya duit $200,000.00 tu, jangan kata nak menjejak kasih dgn JT, nak beli panty liner pun tak sempat. Tu belum lagi nak berkempen for Parti Sosialis Rakyat Malaysia Cawangan Paroi nak lawan si Kerry Jamaluddin tu....very busy you.

Okay, Kak Katak came to my workplace today. Well, takde appointment pun dengan I tapi dia gi jumpa Consultant Psychiatrist for her research. She popped by and nasib baik I ada dalam opis.So, we start talking about her last assignment and I told her about me being in two places now, so susah lah nak jumpa jumpa buat appointment. We chat la jugak in between dia menggodek file-file I. It was quick...I almost can't remember the pleasant bit. My last conversation with Kak Katak berbunyi....'You nak I tolong your husband? Tolong apa? The information on our website is very straightforward, I'm sure he can follow'

'Eh tak, dia pandai isi borang ke apa-apa..it is just, my hubby ni pemalu sikit...dia ni tak pandai nak approach orang. It will be easier for him kalau you tolong'. (All this mengonfirm kan lagi suspicion I yang dia ni mega pemalas)

'This is England. You don't need insider to get you a job. A recommendation, yes. I don't know your husband, and I think it is more you that wanted the job rather than him'.

'I tolong dia aje...pasal tu lah I nak you jumpa dia...'

'What exactly you want me to do?'

'Tolong recommend dia'

'I think what you want is for me to get him the job...am I right? I have explained all the procedure, you keep wanting me to help your husband..nak tolong macam mana lagi...apply through the website and our HR will contact him. If he is selected, I can offer him an interview'

'I'm only asking for help...kalau you tak boleh tolong tak ngapa lah...'

I really looked at her for quite a loooooonggggggggg time after she said that. I think she realised that I read her mind and underneath intention plus, her displeasure. I raised my eyebrow, my classic silent indication of I couldn't be bothered/you're just being silly.

There was at least 10 minutes silence after that. She was in my office reading the files and I continue doing what I was doing. I can sensed that she was massively annoyed with me...tak taulah marah kat I pasal mulut I yang celupar ke or marah pasal I tak nak tolong dia.

Ended up she didn't finish what she was meant to be doing and resigned herself early for the day. Our goodbyes was a typical melayu sakit hati ending speech. She blurted out 'It's true what my friends told me...orang Melayu kat London ni sombong, tak nak tolong orang Melayu...semuanya nak jatuhkan orang Melayu aje'.

'Good, you should listen to your friend. I'm sure we all mature enough to see and think for ourselves'.

I betul rasa nak ludah dia but I think, after watching so many football games on Telly and dah tengok cemana buruknya rupa Wayne Rooney meludah mak kahak dia every 15 minutes...eeii, can you imagine all them footballers semua threading on their own spit, I better off swallow my own saliva.

I like to think that is the last of my encounter with Kak Katak...but who knows, she might ring back tomorrow.

Berbalik kepada Cik Abang Tembam itu, atas permintaan Cik Kiah & Manal, I transformed myself into a perigi today and I willingly start looking for my timba by sending the timba a text message. I hantar 'What's up?' (certainly not referring to his anaconda) dan dia balas 2,3 kali....waduhhhhh!!!!

Speak soon.

The One With...Makan Like Anak Babi

One of my tanda-tanda awal datang bulan is that I makan mengalahkan anak..eh, anak so little, ah..there you go..mak babi!!!! That is one. There's a complete cycle of perubahan character. Starting from nafsu makan diluar tabii...followed by angin kus-kus nak marah oranggggg aje....then, tak hujan tak ribut suddenly air mata bercucuran tak tau lah pasal apa...and finally the last indication, tompokan merah yang memalukan disertai dengan sakit perut yang sungguh menyakitkan hati. You know when I say sakit perut, the menstruating sakit perut is different from sakit perut lain-lain...

I don't know the best way to describe the sakit perut, but it sure is annoying and irritating. Sometime, the pain is akin to

a) Sakit perut macam nak berak...tapi tak pulak nak terberak...
b) You feel like ada anak-anak setan main tarik-tarik your tali pusat....
c) Sakit perut macam nak beranak...however, I cannot confirm this, as I pun belum beranak and at the rate I am going, jangan kata nak beranak, nak kahwin pun belum tentu ada orang nak

A week or at least 10 days before tumpah darah, I will be overcome with nafsu want-to-eat-like-pig.Tapi kan, tak period pun, I already makan mengalahkan jin and the during the ovulation process, the nafsu will increase from not only I want to have Special K or Bran Flakes for breakfast, within 1/2 hour, I demanded MB to cook me battered fish, with chips, mushy peas and chicken frankfurter.

Come lunch time, I asked MB to tapau me kuehtiau goreng from Oriental City and within 4 hours after that huge fish meals, I walloped a container of kuehtiau goreng, 3 karipap and 2 can of Pokka Coffee.


*********************************************

I decided to go to work today. Hati masih panas mengenangkan Arsenal yang kalah semalam (maliewww tau...4-0) but I guess, MU need to win lepas dikalahkan dek Man City (isk..lagi maliewww, kalah kat tempat sendiri...) so..takpelah, kalah pun kalah lah..tak leh lah nak menangggg aje kan (matilaaa pujuk diri sendiri)

I locked myself away from others. I really need to get on with my neglected paperwork yang dah terbengkalai semenjak dua menjak berterbangan sana-sini ni. On my desk, there's 2 messages from Kak Katak, asking if I'm free to entertain her with some of her research tomorrow. Knowing Kak Katak yang 2,3 menjak ni dah pandai menyelam sambil minum air, her request for assistance will be diselangselikan dengan request-request yang lain (see...so babi dibalik kuehtiau kan?)

Trust that my hormones is all over the place, I called her. Really business-like call when I actually told her that I am responding to her 2 messages. 'You called me twice?' 'Saja nak tanya khabar...also diselangselikan dengan hihik..hihik..hihik....yiksssss'

Then came this, 'Eh, you boleh tak tolong my hubby dapat kerja kat tempat you?' I am so not in the mood. Honestly, I saw so many malay boys yang kena jadi kuli kat Mara House or that Edgware Road Malaysian restaurant, hati macam nak tanya, adik...meh la kerja kat tempat akak...pencen pun dapat tau. You all kerja mati-mati kat kedai makan ni, apa pun tak dapat.Gaji ciput lak tu'. The boys are so hardworking. I know for a fact that they get less than the national minimum wages...but, what can they do? With no proper immigration papers or National Insurance card, they have to make do with basuh pinggan £3.80 an hour...

With my red magma that will erupt anytime soon, I know that anymore ihik..hihihik....or any kind of gelak-gelak pompuan gatal will result in me mengeluarkan kata-kata puaka that can kill the katak instantly, I carefully words my reply to her, not at all indicating that laki dia pemalas and tak guna....

'Our organisation have a recruitment protocol. Get your husband to check out our website....www.lakikaupemalas.co.uk and find out more about the job and what is the requirement. I can give you the HR number and bla...bla....

(padahal, application form ada dalam laci I, saja ja kan tak nak tolong)

I was hoping that Kak Katak will put off....( I will if I am her) but can you believe this....

'You free tak ari Rabu, I ajak abang I jumpa you boleh...you cakaplah dengan dia..you ajar lah dia...'

Mak datukkkkkk.......

Update

I have got plenty reason to be bengang about this week, apart from tak dapat bunga (but that is already in my expectation list, this is what going to happen is you're so self centred)

Travelling between North West & West London already takes its toll on my TV life. I have missed so many episodes of Eastenders,Corrie,Home & Away and few bits of some really nice and sensible program to watch.I'm just so lucky that channel 5 and Living TV keep repeating all the CSI (NY,Miami & Vegas) because by the time I got home and in between awake and dead, I can still see them. Speaking of CSI, adakah aku sorang aje dalam dunia ni yang menyampah tengok muka Horatio yang sungguh meriah dengan parut jerawat itu? For a criminalist, he is behaving too competent to the extent of nauseating.That cermin mata hitam yang kejap sarung-kejap tanggal really doesn't improve his non-existent attributes.

Eastenders, the last I remember...there is this gay man who is related to this woman and all of a sudden, her husband has started to show his too effeminate side (although I quite like that kind of man) some people is heading towards the divorce, orang tu bergaduh, orang ni tak suka orang ni...however corny, I must say that the soaps is way much better than Malaysian 7pm drama..(kalau lah ada lagi program ni) not only that you'll see the same old actor/ress, you can't help to laugh seeing that actor this week in teenagers gear and week after, beruban siap batuk kokol-kokol lagi...nak jadi tua sangat.I'm sure we met so many OAPs, tapi takdelah yang cakap sikit terus batuk, cakap sikit terus batuk, kan? Actors here all goes to acting college and you really feel that you watching what you paid and phewww..money all worth it.

Earlier this week, boss issued a memo (dengan tak consult I nya) that I am now will be taking over this hidup-segan-mati-takmau unit in Harlesden. Boss not happy with the current Manager and my reports on the spot check I did the Saturday before asserts her decisions (Boss actually dah fed up dengan pompuan Nigeria ni) so, aku di assigned nya to take over dengan serta merta. Last Tuesday, the gang 'gang up' on me. I dropped by at 7.30pm, after shopping for some nice wall paintings for the project.The unit desperately need cosmetic job and I thought, since I pun takdelah pandai nak buat ID works and all that, I decided to kemas-kemas lah sikit, bagi cantik mana yang patut.The moment I walked in, the bunch cornered me into telling them, when can they start this meeting with me...aku pun 'Meeting hapanya?' The baru-kena-demoted Manager ghope-ghopenya dah kumpulkan gang-gang nya to sit down in what she call a 'disciplinary meeting'. Tak terkejut aku? Hoping that takde orang nak parang I, I just said, I did not call any meeting and I have to go as I have to be some where else. Terus aku blah...

I called my boss straightaway.....boss, camno ni boss....I have, 1 Nigerian, 3 Jamaican waiting to grilled me...( I am not at all being racist but must tell you the existence of the tribe culture among the gagaks...you jgn pandai-pandai nak hambek what they think is theirs....habis kau di siat nya)

Boss macam biasa pujuk-pujuk. The next day I came with my toolbox. I start rearranging wall pictures and furniture.I am quite pleased in the end although not really fit my standard...and I started to think..gagak-gagak ni tak pandai kemas rumah ke? Colour coordination sungguhlah out nya.I was really trying my best. The Jamaican gang is playing it safe with me...I'm sure they are quite desperate to hang on to their job and therefore, bermusuh dengan I pun takde makna nya.I did not disturb what is already established but I must start getting the demoted manager (DM) out of her office and started to do real work. Patients and their family are not happy.Boss lagi lah menyampah gila dengan dia.She was very cold towards me on the first day. The first 2 days I was there, I picked up things that I didn't like with the way things are working.After work, me and the DM have a chat, I initiated the chat...after all, I still need her to work there when I'm not.DM is still not happy with the way she was treated. I talked some sense into her but still tak jalan...I cubalah hint-hint why boss marah kat dia.Masih gak dia buta.

The 2nd day we chat again, while I'm still trying to make her see sense, pun masih tak jalan.I contacted her former boss and mintak opinion (see..baik tak I?) It turned out to be, semua orang dah tau dia takleh buat kerja...apart from herself!!! I reported hasil gossipan to the boss and boss suruh lagi I korek-korek info. But I think boss dah fed up nak mati, boss sekarang nak cari case nak buang dia masuk longkang aje (can I use this terminology for sack?)

3rd day, semalam...dengan badan yang sakit and berfeeling-feeling nak demam, I went there again with another colleague yang boleh tahan jugak kepuakaan mulutnya. I cakap dgn my colleage ni...Eh, you hitam..they all pun hitam...kalau you cakap maybe they all nak dengar...(boleh tak cakap macam ni) The talk went on for 3 hours...and I think in the end, barulah dia dapat tengok why boss demoted her...(but secretly I think, dia masih tak puas hati)

Now ni ada masalah baru pulak...disebabkan kekamcengan I dengan boss, the ex Manager mintak tolong I slow talk dengan boss to give DM her job back...I said I can't, because boss got good reasons...and sadly, I agreed with boss.

Boss now suruh I tukar sikit konsep rumah tu...dari rumah Hitam to rumah ada kaler-kaler sikit...sebabnya patient semua orang putih, and orang putih ni favourable dengan orang-orang dia sendiri jugak....we also have to think about cultural representative, macam mana orang hitam nak represent culture orang putih kan?

Satu kerja lagi nak me recruit orang kan?

Speaking of recruiting, Kak Katak mintak I recommend laki dia yang ala-ala kerbau balau tu kerja in one of our unit. I ni bukan tak nak recommend, laki dia kan pemalas, buat nya patient-patient tu start buat perangai ke, nak lari dari rumah ke, kena ludah ke, kena carut and all he does is duduk mengangkang, siapa yang susah?

I must find a way to turn Kak Katak down...

***Apa-apa pun, marilah kita sama-sama menengok Arsenal lawan MU petang ni...Hey, Adebayor, kalau kau tak sepak goal,kita bercerai okay?***

Where's The Flowers?

I never get flowers, ceklat or anything romantic for Valentine's. Never. Bercinta macam nak mati (and orang tu pun dah mati) pun tak pernah dapat bunga. Let me remember....(hard...very hard) tak ada.The nicest thing from him is a mixed tape and the engagement ring (yang bila hati panas, buang pastu cari balik...)

Hati wanita ini nak jugaklah merasa orang hantar bunga kat office...helium balloon besar gedabak...pastu seisi office tengok...'Waaaa..you boiplennn..so lomentikkk'. That never happened.

I always say that I don't do flowers...memang betul. If I'm given a choice, you nak apa...I'll opt for more practical thing like duit, computer game, chocolate...however, I will never say no to flowers and I can see myself berfeeling bunga-bunga bila dapat bunga. Kesian kan I?

I was talking to male colleagues today, tanyalah..hey you all, takde ke beli bunga for yr woman...2 out of 4 kata, my girl tak suka bunga, she's into something practical. Well, I imagine that if you tell your boyfriend/husband that you're into something practical, mana yang semi-sensitive will take you out for a meal together, but you'll see he is the one enjoying the food more than you do and tak de pun berpegang-pegang jari across the table with him telling you how beautiful you are. He will probably moan...'It cost me bomb this dinner'.

To man yang fully practical and yang tak sensitive langsung pulak, if you voice out your desired Valentine's gift is something that is practical to both you and him, maka, the man will probably think having intercourse is what you mean...it signifies 2 things, showing his love and giving you pleasure...

*** This only applies to a relationship that has passed the comfort date***

In my care, there is this 22 year old Asperger man, reasonably good looking, no personality and if it's not because of his diagnosis, he is the most obnoxious man a woman ever bore. Understandably, no social skills. But life is about wanting and willing, however defected your brain is. I appreciate his brain defect hence resulting in his learning difficulties. Orang kata, kalau bodoh boleh belajar... tapi kalau bongkak gajah..sampai tua la kau mati keras...

Personality is something you can create and manage. We all tend to copy and quite fortunate that some of us know which act to follow and combine it with our original features and we get our desired personality. Orang tak hensem tapi boleh jadi hensem in different aspect and I'm sure many will fall in love (rupa adalah sikit) with the way people present themselves. Anyway...chenta itu buta,but we should argue this. All the pompuan cantik, go out with not so good looking man but banyak duit.Mata kena lah jadi buta kan?

I have stop working with him and not refer him to any more counselling session. Tak ada guna nya. When I look back at my previous patients file, all this men have similarities. I think we hardly ever have any successful session or program with men. You identify their problems, you can see their needs but what you can't change the way they think. Pure reason for that is because they don't want to. They will, but that is when they're ready. Along with their stunted maturity.

When we're in a relationship, we desperately hope that things will be smooth all the way through. We tried and hope, non-stop. Sometimes we change our way but later questioned, why did I bother? I think we bother is because we care too much.

My teraphy supervisor told us today that man will change when they're ready and this will normally be a very unconscious process. They will certainly change if they want to, but in most cases, changes occur when it's already too late.

You remember that Boyz II Men song 'Some people will work things out and some just don't know how to change.....'

Doesn't matter lah..aku jugak yang takde dapat bunga.....

Why Bad Thing Happened To Nice People?

I was driving to Harlesden today, pinjam kereta MB. Driving through Gunnersbury and Acton ditengah-tengah hari memanglah macam cilanat especially when you start thinking, aik..apasal ramainya orang atas jalanraya ni.This is like 11 to 12 o'clock day time. Tak kerja ke? You never know with British Citizen ni (with Hjh Leemah exception) nampak macho, tapi semuanya jobless. I have worked in the system long enough to know that ramainya yang declare tak larat nak bekerja and claim duit benefit (originated dari duit tax ku yang dipotong bulan-bulan)

Ada orang ni, tak kerja and claim benefit. Katanya, dia depressed and pasal tu tak boleh nak kerja. Bukan setakat depressed aje, sakit kaki lah, tangan tak kuat lah..tapi bila pegang botol wine and beer can, larat pulak kan?

Unmarried mother with kids....satu baby, £300 monthly. On the bus, you can see a young girl with twin pram with two of her children, obviously from a different source, satu kaler putih and satu lagi kaler tak berapa putih and tak berapa hitam. Popping out babies dah jadik cam lucrative business.During working hours, you may find these girls hanging out with their mates also with prams of babies....smoking ciggarettes, flashing mobiles, Ipod and of course, their babies.

Well, young girls with babies and fit looking man claiming to be ill that I saw on the road today is the least of my problem now.The thing is, jalanraya punyalah sibuk...and I was struggling to keep up, I have been at work since yesterday evening (dimana..adalah orang tu sempat YM I sebelum dia keluar melachorrrr) only managed to sleep for couple of hours and then started work again straightafter...by the time I was sitting passively in the car and doing nothing but changing the gear from 1 to 2,to 3 and to 2 and 1 again...bayang-bayang katil dah start memanggil.

The government have imposed a stricter law for the motorist....and I fully agree with the decision. Bagi padan muka mereka-mereka yang bawak kereta mengalahkan si Manal. You cannot drive on a bus lane, you cannot drive into the yellow box and all that farts parking regulations and kejap-kejap macam ni, kejap-kejap macam ni enough to make people like me yang sungguh berhemah ni menjadi lebih cautious.

Tetapi, malang itu sungguhlah berbau kentut.Consciously driving very slow, cars are queueing to get through this particular traffic lights.As I remember, I was approaching the lights and as I can see it, memang lah nya warna gadung, Lizs oiii. All vehicle was moving and so was I. Tau tau, I dah betul tengah-tengah that crossing zone, still queueing.I remember moving ahead a bit further where the car was 3 quarter passed the first line.I'm clearly blocking the road for the pedestrian. Tiba-tiba, daripada warna gadung..terus nya jadik kuning...ahhhh. I have to decide quick. If I stop right there, I'll be blocking people's way...I can't handle their dirty look. So I thought, I move quickly forward and for all I know, nya dah bertukar kaler merah as I passed across and tupp!!! Terus lampu flash keluar. Maka telah diconfirm kan dengan rasminya, kamek dah melanggar lampu merah.....tanpa tidak sengaja.

All the way to Harlesden, I keep thinking about saman yang bakal kuterima yang berjumlah £80.00 itu. Wah.......why this is happening. Why bad thing have to happen to nice people (nice apa benda nya...dok ngumpat sokmo, nilah bala tuhan bagi)

I have seen so many Paria-Pariammah kat Hounslow yang bawak kereta mengalahkan pelesit tapi tak pulak kena saman ke hapa.I have been so nice, I gave way, I am considerate and I don't deserved this.

2 years ago, I kena sama jugak dengan Community Police yang perasan macam police betul.I parked in the area where you can only park for 20 minutes. I may have exceed but not to the extend of berejam-jam. I pleaded to the Policeman, telling them what I do. I was with a patient with chronic mental issue and don't comprehend time management.Pun Police Community Celaka itu bolayan I.

Trust that I will come up with puaka remark bila hati dah panas...I said to that Community Policeman 'It is not a very community thing isn't it to give me ticket over something like this?'

Berani kan I? (Bodoh more like) Bak kata MB, nasib baik kitak sik dihumban nya dalam lokap.Berani kitak....

Too Tight To Mention

The day of the Chinese New Year, I went to Leicester Sq to meet F for brunch. We thought we should meet up to decide whether it is now make or break, as segala muhasabah serawak semuanya dah tak jalan, we are constantly at each others throat, maki memaki (inilah hasilnya bercampur dengan orang putih kan? Makiiiiiiiiii aje) We split up last October although in between jumpa-jumpa jugak as aku ni masih lagi kuat memainkan peranan sebagai orang gaji, buat laundry, basuh pinggan kemas rumah what not (so orang gaji Pilipin kan?) but the relationship are now without the 100% commitment where, I now spent long hours at work without feeling guilty meninggalkan si tua tu kat rumah and I can start focussing on work yang semakin hari semakin banyak tu. Boss ordered me to take up this course for professional qualification so that I can be registered with the governing bodies. I agreed and I missed out the first day of the training (pasalnya hari tu, ada orang sewel terlepas keluar dari unit and I have to wait anxiously by the phone...nasibnya tak baik sungguh, jumpa after a day, dalam longkang and dah kena rog) so, macam mananya nak jadi qualified ni, kalau training/seminar asyik tak datang aje? So, I cleared up my stuff from the house yesterday (takdelah ambik segalamala, just baju-baju aje) and was feeling so sad about the whole thing.

I’m sure all of us (aku sorang aje lah nampak gaya nya) experienced this thing where, you realised things will not work anymore no matter how hard you try and then decided that, okay, enough is enough with the stress, get out of it while you can but after that, rasa guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy seguilty-guilty nya. Guilty apa, tak tau. The state of F’s flat clearly indicated the current state of mind and orang tua tu tanpa rasa segan silu dok bagitau I..yang kunun nya, akulah yang menyebabkan dia jadi begitu...aku lah yang kijam, aku lah yang takde hati perut...bla..bla..bla...(well, I quite like the bit where I takde perut tu..maka boleh le aku makan bebanyak without thinking about transforming into pompuan debab)

Some people are so gifted to unconsciously walked you down to the guilt trip, naturally able to make you feel shitty and what do you know, question back your decision.

Kawan-kawan ketat semua dah cakap kat I, alah...dia tu main dengan kepala hotak kau knowing that you have that soft spot yang akan cair bila hati dah kesian. I telephoned orang tua tu last night before bed and we have quite healthy conversation and pagi ni pulak, bila I call, dia dah start membuat perangai puaka nya and I rasa macam bercakap dengan setan pulak. Mula lah I rasa menyesal membagi muka and cursing myself hard for giving in, percaya gila-gila yang dia dah berubah laku menjadi anak arnab yang baik.

Because of the state of that orang tua (katanya dia akan jadi gila, and kononnya dia pun dah semi gila dek kerna perangai I yang kejam ini) I am now in two mind about my latest venture with Mak Badaks. Orang tua tu cakap, if I go ahead, maka, aku lah orang yang paling kejam and takde perikemanusiaan dalam England ni, not to mention the legality of my actions. Jahanam kan, nak ugut-ugut I camtu.

I decided to beli rumah dengan Mak Badaks, senang orang nak datang. Tau-tau lah sedara mara or kawan-kawan, tak kan nak hantar duduk hotel yang dah le mahal, condition macam celaka lak tu. You are paying Malaysia 5 star rate to get into a dingy room yang berbau lipas. Plus, nak buat pelaburan dihari tua lah kan...the property cost £230,000 and by the time I finished paying for it, the resale value can get me that Istana Atap biru kat Bukit Kayangan itu.

While others can see sense, si malaun ini macam ada learning difficulties pulak and mulalah tuduh I yang bukan-bukan.In the heat of the argument, hati yang sakit ni memanglah lagi nak menyakitkan hati orang itu...and I come up with kata-kata yang boleh tahan jugak puaka nya. In the end, I just cakap, Eh..I bukan mintak permission you...I bagi tau you. You tak suka, you tak suka lah...

But semalam after I balik dari rumah orang tu, I jadik bersalah and cakap dengan my friend Beyonce ni, you all go ahead beli rumah tu and jangan taruk nama I. I will be a silent partner aje. And Beyonce pun tak senang hati....

When I borak dengan my sister that day, aku pun dah lah mula mengompang kan kat they all (dengan harapan my sisters boleh la start mengompang kat orang kampong yang sememangnya jeles dengan keglameran I) pasal my intention nak beli rumah ni. My sister said that my parents was so pleased, siap nak kasi duit lagi...

But I’m now torn between keeping the family happy (by knowing where I am..kau ni duduk dengan siapa...kawan mana pulak ni...) or making my relationship works. Hari-hari I pikir..mak bapak dah tua, what more can they ask for apart from hati selesa bil atahu anak selamat. Orang putih kat sini, anak cukup umur aje, tak menyempat-nyempat mak bapak suruh keluar rumah. I know what my choice is but the problem now is that I cannot cope with guilt, andai kata lah orang tu betul-betul jadi mereng. Tu tak masuk lagi hal-hal legal that can be used against me. So complicated kan?

Kiah, any tips for assertiveness?

I Don't Have It All

I received 2,3 emails from my unofficial address (boley tak cakap macam ni? siap ada official, unofficial address lagi...) To me official means email dari sahabat-sahabat ketat serata alam...email dari adinda-adinda yang tak sudah-sudah nak mereport proses tumbesaran anak masing-masing (as if aku ni interested...aiyoo..bongkak sungguh), email dari bank-bank (maklumlah Makji kan sekarang ni shopping online, simpan duit bayar hapa kebenda lain pun online) and also email from sedara-mara yang nak bertanya khabar (serta memesan barangan Mark & Spencer)

So this unofficial email address, thanks to Bella yang tukang meng'create' nya, semata-mata supaya I boleh online in that messenger thingy.Nak tunggu sendiri buat, tak kan adalah kan...pemalas segalanya I ni (ish..pemalas ka, bodoh?) hanyalah untuk mereka-mereka yang nak hantar email to Hjh Esah. Although through this email, I also received plenty of too good to be true stories about some Nigerian millionaires who died of so many unnatural causes and left bundles of cash in need of urgent transfers into my bank account.Might you want to ask them, kalau kayo tak kan lah takde will kan? And why on earth do you want to transfer that millions into a strangers account? I still can't figure out the rational of the scam.

Okay, there's this email, quite stupidly funny.Asking me to stop harrasing him or, dia nak report polis.I was shocked at first, thinking 'bila la masa aku nak kacau orang ni...nak berak pun tak sempat kan?' Because of that email being in my unofficial email address, who ever yang perasan dirinya di harass oleh Makji Esah, surelah bahlol. I yang sama bahlol ni pun keep on reading...(sajalah kan)and the last paragraph says 'tapi, kalau awak betul2 nak kat saya, silalah jumpa mak bapak saya, dan melamar saya melalui saluran yang betul'.

Macam ni lah. On a daily basis, I got to meet so many crazy people.Yang betul gila, yang buat-buat gila and yang gila-gila.This is obviosly a meant-to-be funny joke sent by some trying-to-be funny person. Who ever he is, I hope he is happy because most certainly, people who is trying very hard to crack a joke is a unhappy soul.They need to laugh themselves.Nak gelak sensorang kang dikata confirmed sewel.Nak tak nak, buatlah joke bangang.I'm sure he is laughing hard.He know how to amuse himself.

The biggest problem in my day-today work is trying to get my patient to find alternative to alleviate their own tension.Some can be quite devious in manipulating people.I was angry with this Asperger Guy today and made it very clear to him that I'm not interested to talk when all his doing is provoking me.Just about I announced my decision untuk bermati kutu, he decided to kill himself...'If you don't want to talk to me, I'm going to kill myself'.

Again, I am sooooooooooooooooo used to this kind of threats.Professionally, you really have to see through this but I'm very much into human mode today and I decided to be like another human. 'Is that your answer to everything?' 'Okay, what don't you just do that...but let me remind you that committing suicide is painful....just let me know how it feels later on, yeah?' (Kalau lah boss I dengar, harus aku kena house arrest)

But you know, kalau hati dah sakit, badan dah penat, tak kena buatan orang macam orang ini pun, we sure can come out with kata-kata puaka yang tajam lagi menghiris hati.

I also received one disgruntled email, calling me a 'Melayu Tak Sedar Diri'. Well, how can I write let alone mengumpat if I 'tak sedar diri' kan? This sender reckoned yang I ni menunjuk pandai. Eh..I memang pandai apa...not many people can study oversea, although I shouldn't be so bongkak since I ni takdelah pandai macam Kiah or MBA,PHD holder yang lain. Dah le ada degree aje, 2nd class honour lak tu...but, kira pandai la jugak dari yang tak habis sekolah tu.

Another email...nak tau lah Hjh Esah ni orang mana....orang N9 ke, East Malaysian ke. I mentioned this before, my mother is from Sumatera and my father is from Kuala Kangsar. I was released in Kandang Kerbau (tak glamer sungguh) but if you dare me, kamek boleh kelakar Seghawak...and N9. We spent ages there with bapaknda being a sojar in Kem Sunggala. The Sumatran side of family decided to menotap kek Seri Menanti, and woohoiii..there's plenty of us from the Seri Menanti base all the way through Bukit Putuih then Paroi Jaya.

In addition to my CV, I can communicate using sign language too (dah kojo pun dengan orang pokak) and some berkarat French (kan ke I ada affair kejap dengan Arsene Wenger?)

See, Hjh Esah is so normal and plain. Takdelah pandai macam Kiah. Kiah have it all...laki, anak, kucing, orang gaji....keto godang.

Have a nice weekend ya, you all.

Tuesday Thoughts

Today is February the 5th.

I volunteered to pick baby Sam from the nursery. I tell you, I like going to the nursery. I’ve been there couple of times whenever Mandy (Sam’s mum) terdesak nak gila takde orang nak rescue anak nya. Picking up Sam is my perfect excuse untuk mengular. Every time I went there, segerombolan budak kecik yang menjadi mangsa abandon’ an mak masing-masing mulalah datang mengerumun I. See, I am there to collect one of them. The babies gave me a look like they have been a prisoner with their blue, green, brown eyes saying ‘rescue me’. Sam is ever so excited to be picked up. The moment I held him into my arms, he glanced a triumphant look to all the ‘un rescued babies’ macam ‘Hah...lihatlah donia...tinggal lah kau’

This is the only time I can do the ‘Ibu Mithali’ bit, only to anak orang lain. Nak tunggu anak sendiri, sampai tua lah kan...

I was supposed to have my ECG appointment today. I experienced a very irritable palpitations lately ni. Doktor-doktor celup around me reckoned that it has got to do with my stress level. I pulak ingat ni misti sebab I susah nak berak that soaring my stress level. I have stopped taking the pill pasalnya my nafsu makan mengalahkan nafsu mengonkek Samantha Jones SATC pulak. I was reading about young people with heart conditions. (Young people lah pulak kan? Kira muda ke I ni?) I am surrounded by smokers. Orang kata passive smoker lah yang selalu kena chronic disease ni. Tak merokok susah, merokok pun susah...habis, tak kan nak duduk kotak kasut pulak....

But I didn’t. I chickened out. I was doing our monthly inspection report with Miss Nigeria that I mentioned the ECG. It turned out that Miss Nigeria had done one herself. So she was telling me about the procedure, and aku terus tak jadi pergi.For a very stupid reason. Miss Nigeria said that I may be ask to do a full ‘up waist’ monty. And I have issues with nudity, partial or full frontal. Hisshhhh....say what you like, Kiah...but aku ini gadis pemaliewwwwwww

Now, I will never know what cause the irritable palpitations. (Give me 2, 3 days. Somebody will then knock some sense into my head)

12 years ago today, my brother passed away. Last 25th January, at 4am, I got a text from a very close friend of mine. I was in a deep sleep. But I remember dreaming about Paris, along the Rue JF Kennedy overlooking the river. I was with Sham walking side by side (pegang-pegang tangan....) sometime during 1993 autumn. We were travelling around Europe and France was the last destination. He was in his final year in UMIST and that was the only time out of our 10 years relationship that we really spend lots of time alone together. Bukanlah membuat maksiat Kiah oiii.....in that dream, we were just holding hands. His hand was very warm. Our walk was cut short with my mobile beeping. I was woken up. Sempat hati panas lagi tu...siapalah dok message aku pepagi buta ni. I always get extra anxiety bila phone berbunyi pagi-pagi hari ni...you know what lah kan?

The text message read ‘Shamsul passed away one hour ago. Acute brain tumour. Call me if you need to talk’.

I didn’t call the sender back. I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to say. Because I was so busy with work, I didn’t think about it much. It is only when at night or in between takde kerja, the memory of him keep coming and going. Only the good one. The one that makes me smile. Besides breaking my heart into the smallest pieces that I can even think of, this man once made me very happy. I have loved him more than I can ever love anyone (ceh...drama sungguh....but don’t la counts love to mak bapak...that one nothing can beat)

My friends reckoned that I never got over the break up. I pulak think that yes, I got over that but I still can’t mend my broken heart. My heart was broken twice. I dread to think that he is going to do the hatrick.

I have always wanted Shamsul dead....amboi kasarnya tutur kata...Not in any malicious kind but I think, my life will be a lot easier if he didn’t exist anymore. I don’t ever have to keep harping on him. I have to be in a different continent to get away.

It is a totally different feeling altogether now. Of course I am sad. I cannot describe my feelings now. Of all day, I thought hard about him today. I also think about my dear brother. They both history now, but it is hard to grieve for someone who is dead in your thought than someone who is still living in your memory.