About Me

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Tuesday Thoughts

Today is February the 5th.

I volunteered to pick baby Sam from the nursery. I tell you, I like going to the nursery. I’ve been there couple of times whenever Mandy (Sam’s mum) terdesak nak gila takde orang nak rescue anak nya. Picking up Sam is my perfect excuse untuk mengular. Every time I went there, segerombolan budak kecik yang menjadi mangsa abandon’ an mak masing-masing mulalah datang mengerumun I. See, I am there to collect one of them. The babies gave me a look like they have been a prisoner with their blue, green, brown eyes saying ‘rescue me’. Sam is ever so excited to be picked up. The moment I held him into my arms, he glanced a triumphant look to all the ‘un rescued babies’ macam ‘Hah...lihatlah donia...tinggal lah kau’

This is the only time I can do the ‘Ibu Mithali’ bit, only to anak orang lain. Nak tunggu anak sendiri, sampai tua lah kan...

I was supposed to have my ECG appointment today. I experienced a very irritable palpitations lately ni. Doktor-doktor celup around me reckoned that it has got to do with my stress level. I pulak ingat ni misti sebab I susah nak berak that soaring my stress level. I have stopped taking the pill pasalnya my nafsu makan mengalahkan nafsu mengonkek Samantha Jones SATC pulak. I was reading about young people with heart conditions. (Young people lah pulak kan? Kira muda ke I ni?) I am surrounded by smokers. Orang kata passive smoker lah yang selalu kena chronic disease ni. Tak merokok susah, merokok pun susah...habis, tak kan nak duduk kotak kasut pulak....

But I didn’t. I chickened out. I was doing our monthly inspection report with Miss Nigeria that I mentioned the ECG. It turned out that Miss Nigeria had done one herself. So she was telling me about the procedure, and aku terus tak jadi pergi.For a very stupid reason. Miss Nigeria said that I may be ask to do a full ‘up waist’ monty. And I have issues with nudity, partial or full frontal. Hisshhhh....say what you like, Kiah...but aku ini gadis pemaliewwwwwww

Now, I will never know what cause the irritable palpitations. (Give me 2, 3 days. Somebody will then knock some sense into my head)

12 years ago today, my brother passed away. Last 25th January, at 4am, I got a text from a very close friend of mine. I was in a deep sleep. But I remember dreaming about Paris, along the Rue JF Kennedy overlooking the river. I was with Sham walking side by side (pegang-pegang tangan....) sometime during 1993 autumn. We were travelling around Europe and France was the last destination. He was in his final year in UMIST and that was the only time out of our 10 years relationship that we really spend lots of time alone together. Bukanlah membuat maksiat Kiah oiii.....in that dream, we were just holding hands. His hand was very warm. Our walk was cut short with my mobile beeping. I was woken up. Sempat hati panas lagi tu...siapalah dok message aku pepagi buta ni. I always get extra anxiety bila phone berbunyi pagi-pagi hari ni...you know what lah kan?

The text message read ‘Shamsul passed away one hour ago. Acute brain tumour. Call me if you need to talk’.

I didn’t call the sender back. I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to say. Because I was so busy with work, I didn’t think about it much. It is only when at night or in between takde kerja, the memory of him keep coming and going. Only the good one. The one that makes me smile. Besides breaking my heart into the smallest pieces that I can even think of, this man once made me very happy. I have loved him more than I can ever love anyone (ceh...drama sungguh....but don’t la counts love to mak bapak...that one nothing can beat)

My friends reckoned that I never got over the break up. I pulak think that yes, I got over that but I still can’t mend my broken heart. My heart was broken twice. I dread to think that he is going to do the hatrick.

I have always wanted Shamsul dead....amboi kasarnya tutur kata...Not in any malicious kind but I think, my life will be a lot easier if he didn’t exist anymore. I don’t ever have to keep harping on him. I have to be in a different continent to get away.

It is a totally different feeling altogether now. Of course I am sad. I cannot describe my feelings now. Of all day, I thought hard about him today. I also think about my dear brother. They both history now, but it is hard to grieve for someone who is dead in your thought than someone who is still living in your memory.


12 comments:

[danial][ma] said...

hej! deepest condolences on the passing of the one who you have had given your love...may he rest in peace...life is too beautiful to be sad, but sometimes sadness will bring you closer to the one who was dear to you...

Anonymous said...

dear hjh esah,

my heart goes out to you ler gak on this loss ....terkezut dia dah meninggal of brain tumor(muda lagi)...hmm alfateha for him....so no more mengutuk2 dia i guess lepas ni...

i hope you'll cherish the good memory of him....

-ina

OOD said...

i understand the numbness and the pain, and the grieving too. As cliche as this may sound, time does heal. You'll be okay, chicky!

If anything, the bit that i know of you, you are quite resilient. Anak sojar kan?

Again but with correction, double-chin up okay?

Anonymous said...

one girl ni pernah knew one dude, disebabkan sibuk itu ini mereka pun lama lah, betahun tak jumpa, sampai dah nak lupa, then alih2 si boyfren ni call, kata dia ada brain tumor, tunggu masa je nak shut down and need to see her. pegi jumpa tengok2 sehat walafiat..

what's my point? ontah lah dagho...

Lee Novotny said...

cekalkan hati uols... you are a survivor. Hope you will feel so much better.. bermula dengan no more stress stress from your current partner ittew...

Al-fatihah utk kedua dua mereka (your late brother and late siamang)

Anonymous said...

takziah to you esah...tabahkan hati dan selalu lah ingatkan perkara yang baik2 je everytime you think of him, inshaAllah that will help you to be happy instead of stress dan bersedih...whatever it is and however bad he was to you before he was once the person that made you happy and feel loved, kan? i tell myself this too when i think of my ex bf yang passed away jugak baru2 ni, i even told my husband about him and my feeling towards his death...

take care
Yatie, NZ

captainlukman said...

hans,

sometimes i do think like u, want him to be dead,but still he's the one who make us happy those days. Sabarlah**tetiba mak rasa sedih plak**.....

al-fatihah

Cik Kiah Kidman said...

Esah, ko ni pemalu tah hapa2...rupa je can taiko.

Think of it this way...your two prized possessions are hardly a handful each therefore gravity has minimal effects on them and you've had no little being hanging onto them, so i should think they'd look rather presentable. So apalagi, go waist up Monty la!

the ectopy said...

So far, belum lagi orang orang yang dekat di hati meninggal dunia. i dont know how to handle it.

Manal said...

He may have left the world yet his memories stay with u for as long as u wish....

He prolly has paid his dues...breaking your heart and he himself died brokenhearted....woteva karma has on him, bless your heart for reminiscing the good memories over the bad ones.

Pasal ECG tu, i pon penah underwent this test. You had to wear the surgical robe minus segala baju dalam, but only waist top jer la...u not gonna be lying partial nude on the bed and normally u can ask for a lady nurse to patch those ECG detectors on a few points on your body and arms. Its better for u to do it soon so as to check mana2 nerves, bloodvein/vessel yg buat hal.

Mula2 masa buat tu, rasa macam pesakit kronik jer but knowing how critical it was to know our blood circulation system from the heart and back to the heart, i relax jer la...

talib said...

the things that you search... i just came across it by accident while wanting to google for your site, cos i dont remember ur url...

http://mapstats.blogflux.com/61518-breakdown-search-year.html

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Danial & Ina....thank you

Ood, triple chin laa....

Yatie...I still don't know how to feel...

Lokmang..bakpo mung sedey lakk? Takpo, hujung bulan ni kita ber ronggeng na?

Kiah..amboi..mana kau tau prize possession ku tak besar cama labu?