Tuesday Thoughts

Today is February the 5th.

I volunteered to pick baby Sam from the nursery. I tell you, I like going to the nursery. I’ve been there couple of times whenever Mandy (Sam’s mum) terdesak nak gila takde orang nak rescue anak nya. Picking up Sam is my perfect excuse untuk mengular. Every time I went there, segerombolan budak kecik yang menjadi mangsa abandon’ an mak masing-masing mulalah datang mengerumun I. See, I am there to collect one of them. The babies gave me a look like they have been a prisoner with their blue, green, brown eyes saying ‘rescue me’. Sam is ever so excited to be picked up. The moment I held him into my arms, he glanced a triumphant look to all the ‘un rescued babies’ macam ‘Hah...lihatlah donia...tinggal lah kau’

This is the only time I can do the ‘Ibu Mithali’ bit, only to anak orang lain. Nak tunggu anak sendiri, sampai tua lah kan...

I was supposed to have my ECG appointment today. I experienced a very irritable palpitations lately ni. Doktor-doktor celup around me reckoned that it has got to do with my stress level. I pulak ingat ni misti sebab I susah nak berak that soaring my stress level. I have stopped taking the pill pasalnya my nafsu makan mengalahkan nafsu mengonkek Samantha Jones SATC pulak. I was reading about young people with heart conditions. (Young people lah pulak kan? Kira muda ke I ni?) I am surrounded by smokers. Orang kata passive smoker lah yang selalu kena chronic disease ni. Tak merokok susah, merokok pun susah...habis, tak kan nak duduk kotak kasut pulak....

But I didn’t. I chickened out. I was doing our monthly inspection report with Miss Nigeria that I mentioned the ECG. It turned out that Miss Nigeria had done one herself. So she was telling me about the procedure, and aku terus tak jadi pergi.For a very stupid reason. Miss Nigeria said that I may be ask to do a full ‘up waist’ monty. And I have issues with nudity, partial or full frontal. Hisshhhh....say what you like, Kiah...but aku ini gadis pemaliewwwwwww

Now, I will never know what cause the irritable palpitations. (Give me 2, 3 days. Somebody will then knock some sense into my head)

12 years ago today, my brother passed away. Last 25th January, at 4am, I got a text from a very close friend of mine. I was in a deep sleep. But I remember dreaming about Paris, along the Rue JF Kennedy overlooking the river. I was with Sham walking side by side (pegang-pegang tangan....) sometime during 1993 autumn. We were travelling around Europe and France was the last destination. He was in his final year in UMIST and that was the only time out of our 10 years relationship that we really spend lots of time alone together. Bukanlah membuat maksiat Kiah oiii.....in that dream, we were just holding hands. His hand was very warm. Our walk was cut short with my mobile beeping. I was woken up. Sempat hati panas lagi tu...siapalah dok message aku pepagi buta ni. I always get extra anxiety bila phone berbunyi pagi-pagi hari ni...you know what lah kan?

The text message read ‘Shamsul passed away one hour ago. Acute brain tumour. Call me if you need to talk’.

I didn’t call the sender back. I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to say. Because I was so busy with work, I didn’t think about it much. It is only when at night or in between takde kerja, the memory of him keep coming and going. Only the good one. The one that makes me smile. Besides breaking my heart into the smallest pieces that I can even think of, this man once made me very happy. I have loved him more than I can ever love anyone (ceh...drama sungguh....but don’t la counts love to mak bapak...that one nothing can beat)

My friends reckoned that I never got over the break up. I pulak think that yes, I got over that but I still can’t mend my broken heart. My heart was broken twice. I dread to think that he is going to do the hatrick.

I have always wanted Shamsul dead....amboi kasarnya tutur kata...Not in any malicious kind but I think, my life will be a lot easier if he didn’t exist anymore. I don’t ever have to keep harping on him. I have to be in a different continent to get away.

It is a totally different feeling altogether now. Of course I am sad. I cannot describe my feelings now. Of all day, I thought hard about him today. I also think about my dear brother. They both history now, but it is hard to grieve for someone who is dead in your thought than someone who is still living in your memory.