About Me

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Too Tight To Mention

The day of the Chinese New Year, I went to Leicester Sq to meet F for brunch. We thought we should meet up to decide whether it is now make or break, as segala muhasabah serawak semuanya dah tak jalan, we are constantly at each others throat, maki memaki (inilah hasilnya bercampur dengan orang putih kan? Makiiiiiiiiii aje) We split up last October although in between jumpa-jumpa jugak as aku ni masih lagi kuat memainkan peranan sebagai orang gaji, buat laundry, basuh pinggan kemas rumah what not (so orang gaji Pilipin kan?) but the relationship are now without the 100% commitment where, I now spent long hours at work without feeling guilty meninggalkan si tua tu kat rumah and I can start focussing on work yang semakin hari semakin banyak tu. Boss ordered me to take up this course for professional qualification so that I can be registered with the governing bodies. I agreed and I missed out the first day of the training (pasalnya hari tu, ada orang sewel terlepas keluar dari unit and I have to wait anxiously by the phone...nasibnya tak baik sungguh, jumpa after a day, dalam longkang and dah kena rog) so, macam mananya nak jadi qualified ni, kalau training/seminar asyik tak datang aje? So, I cleared up my stuff from the house yesterday (takdelah ambik segalamala, just baju-baju aje) and was feeling so sad about the whole thing.

I’m sure all of us (aku sorang aje lah nampak gaya nya) experienced this thing where, you realised things will not work anymore no matter how hard you try and then decided that, okay, enough is enough with the stress, get out of it while you can but after that, rasa guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy seguilty-guilty nya. Guilty apa, tak tau. The state of F’s flat clearly indicated the current state of mind and orang tua tu tanpa rasa segan silu dok bagitau I..yang kunun nya, akulah yang menyebabkan dia jadi begitu...aku lah yang kijam, aku lah yang takde hati perut...bla..bla..bla...(well, I quite like the bit where I takde perut tu..maka boleh le aku makan bebanyak without thinking about transforming into pompuan debab)

Some people are so gifted to unconsciously walked you down to the guilt trip, naturally able to make you feel shitty and what do you know, question back your decision.

Kawan-kawan ketat semua dah cakap kat I, alah...dia tu main dengan kepala hotak kau knowing that you have that soft spot yang akan cair bila hati dah kesian. I telephoned orang tua tu last night before bed and we have quite healthy conversation and pagi ni pulak, bila I call, dia dah start membuat perangai puaka nya and I rasa macam bercakap dengan setan pulak. Mula lah I rasa menyesal membagi muka and cursing myself hard for giving in, percaya gila-gila yang dia dah berubah laku menjadi anak arnab yang baik.

Because of the state of that orang tua (katanya dia akan jadi gila, and kononnya dia pun dah semi gila dek kerna perangai I yang kejam ini) I am now in two mind about my latest venture with Mak Badaks. Orang tua tu cakap, if I go ahead, maka, aku lah orang yang paling kejam and takde perikemanusiaan dalam England ni, not to mention the legality of my actions. Jahanam kan, nak ugut-ugut I camtu.

I decided to beli rumah dengan Mak Badaks, senang orang nak datang. Tau-tau lah sedara mara or kawan-kawan, tak kan nak hantar duduk hotel yang dah le mahal, condition macam celaka lak tu. You are paying Malaysia 5 star rate to get into a dingy room yang berbau lipas. Plus, nak buat pelaburan dihari tua lah kan...the property cost £230,000 and by the time I finished paying for it, the resale value can get me that Istana Atap biru kat Bukit Kayangan itu.

While others can see sense, si malaun ini macam ada learning difficulties pulak and mulalah tuduh I yang bukan-bukan.In the heat of the argument, hati yang sakit ni memanglah lagi nak menyakitkan hati orang itu...and I come up with kata-kata yang boleh tahan jugak puaka nya. In the end, I just cakap, Eh..I bukan mintak permission you...I bagi tau you. You tak suka, you tak suka lah...

But semalam after I balik dari rumah orang tu, I jadik bersalah and cakap dengan my friend Beyonce ni, you all go ahead beli rumah tu and jangan taruk nama I. I will be a silent partner aje. And Beyonce pun tak senang hati....

When I borak dengan my sister that day, aku pun dah lah mula mengompang kan kat they all (dengan harapan my sisters boleh la start mengompang kat orang kampong yang sememangnya jeles dengan keglameran I) pasal my intention nak beli rumah ni. My sister said that my parents was so pleased, siap nak kasi duit lagi...

But I’m now torn between keeping the family happy (by knowing where I am..kau ni duduk dengan siapa...kawan mana pulak ni...) or making my relationship works. Hari-hari I pikir..mak bapak dah tua, what more can they ask for apart from hati selesa bil atahu anak selamat. Orang putih kat sini, anak cukup umur aje, tak menyempat-nyempat mak bapak suruh keluar rumah. I know what my choice is but the problem now is that I cannot cope with guilt, andai kata lah orang tu betul-betul jadi mereng. Tu tak masuk lagi hal-hal legal that can be used against me. So complicated kan?

Kiah, any tips for assertiveness?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

eh bagus tu esah kalau you nak beli rumah kat UK nun, good investment gitu...pasal your partner tu, hmmm usah le dok pikir2 lagi pasal dia, buek poning palo kau yo, kalau hati dok stress baik le berpisah (eh sorry le ye kalau ni nasihat yg melampau)...kita ni hidup tak tau sampai bila, so sementara ada cara nak menyenangkan hati sendiri dan hati mak bapak baik le buat sekarang, betul tak? ;)

Yatie

alinaw said...

buy lar, jangan tak buy, treat as investment as anything happen after this, tak yah nak nyusahkan orang tumpang sana tumpang sini, in fact kalau I pegi sana i pun boleh tumpang....hehehe ;-)

prime minister said...

bagus beli rumah tu esah....beli jer jangan dok pikir si tua tu buat pening pala jek. yang senang esah jugak nanti.. GO ESAH! GO! GO!

Lee Novotny said...

Elok pun break dgn orang yg belittle uols nih... takde gunanya! Elok cerai jah..dah nak dapatkan rumah pun..well done! :) Bolehlah wat party hoh? :)

Anonymous said...

Saya ni newcomer to your blog, but hopefully hjh esah tak kisah kalau saya tulis comment yang tak seberapa ini. Sorry I'm on anonymous, malas nak sign up with blogger..

Beli je la rumah tu, ada harta sikit. What's the worst that can happen? If later on you decide you don't want it, sell your portion off la. But at least you'd have made some profit by then. Kadang2 kita pompuan ni baik sangat..dan membenarkan diri dipijak. Only to later feel like kicking ourselves for allowing it to happen when we know that we're intelligent, independent women who should know better. Why do I say this?

Because I'm one of them :-)

Manal said...

Harosss la lpas nih mi casa su casa....once mi casa ready, u r most welcome to come, and ehhhemmm...i'd be glad to pay a visit at yours too hehe....

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Thanks you all..harus bila semua dah selesai, maka akan dianjurkan housewarming party berkonsep tak hengat donia....and you all will be invited....

Tetapi jgn lupa

Yatie - Bawak fridge 2 pintu
Alinaw - Bawak sofa L shape
Prime Minister - Bawak Flat screed LCD TV 42 inch
Lee Novotny - Bawak set pinggan mangkuk arcopak/queen anne/noritake
Anonymous - Bawak double bed disertakan dgn tilam empuk
Manal - Bawak meja makan dgn coffeee table

Boley?

Yang Benar & Muka Tak Malu
Hjh Esah Super Pokai

Dina said...

Ntahlah makji...tiap kali baca n3 pasal ur current partner ni, I boleh rasa camna tertekannya you dgn the situation.

Tp makji, demi kebahagiaan hati sendiri, it's better for you to leave him sbb klu di continue pun relationship ni...lebih byk buruk dr baiknya. Life ni terlalu singkat utk kita selalu bersedih. I bukanlah bertujuan utk menghasut.

Hopefully makji tak kisah dgn my opinion ni (almaklumlah...kita pun tak kenal each other). Ikhlas dr hati seorg pompuan to another... :)