About Me

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Good Reason, Wrong Action (300th Post)

When I was meeting JT, despite his focus on the things he deposits in his tummy, we did have a good chat. He is indeed an interesting man. I was being myself (my new self ke?) to offer my unlimited supply of opinion. The setting was good for me to express myself, since he is a little bit occupied with the chicken and understandably, nervous of meeting me. Eh..adakah aku perasan? Tidakkkk. I'm to old to be over-conscious of myself. That is the beauty of getting older kan? Nothing to lose and no love to win. JT's frustrations over his marriage break up is apparent, although constantly blaming the other person, I can tell that the person that he is most angry with is himself.

Here I am, sitting in a cosy restaurant listening to him wallowing self pity and munching the chicken. I keep saying how I hated being 'in a mending team' in relationship issues. My relationship pun macam bulu ayam. I am so convinced that I'm not at all a marriage material.I'm so self centred. So when you read about me and my relationship, please consider the fact that I can also be the biggest mess contributor.

When my ECA decided to marry his wife, the old cliche that the whole world had fallen apart seemed suddenly, painfully true. Everything was destroyed. You think that you're going to be with someone forever, and then discover that this is not the case, your present is wiped blank and your future has to be entirely reimagined. We really should agree that the break up of a long term relationship is, alongside bereavement is one of the most stressful life experiences.

Cases I handled shows that men is usually the one who is not mentally traumatised. I don't think JT is at all traumatised by his break up. Maybe because there is a substantial amount of love for the ex gf that dumped him. Moving on gets easier after years of not seeing each other but tiny dots of love still stays in fact, we will often wonder because there's no closure for being dumped unlike mutual break up. Tapi, berapa kes sangat mutual break up pun?

When JT was badmouthing the wife over the obvious stuff like betapa buruknya retaliation dia bla bla bla, I asked him if speaking about her in a deragatory way is making him happier. JT answer was a typical 'ah you woman will always take sides of another woman'. So defensive. Rasa nak tampar je pipi dia yang terlebih lemak tu.

He only come to his senses that night when he called me to apologised. Masa ni lah, I cakap kat dia, you are so wrapped up. It is up to you if you want to share your problems. But I think, you just want people to listen to how jahat this woman is and how frustrated you are with the whole thing. Well, if that is what you want, that is fine but although I'm listening, I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you and I dont think I like your coping mechanism.

He is not entirely in love pun dengan wife dia to begin with. I imagined that he at that time was single and desperately lonely. Then came the wife, not as intelligent as him, in fact only working as a receptionist. (Haiyoo..bongkak nya) JT said they had plenty of laugh and this girl, although not on par (cesss...jantan...) really can carry herself well. JT said he really sees her as his saviour, maklumlah, hatinya baru patah that time. They rapidly got involved and got married.

He said that they have been living 'separately' for a while, as in she gets on with her life and he just doing his everyday things to get by. I asked him, is there any happier time? Macam gampang he replied 'I don't know'. 'I should have get out of it earlier, it is just not working'.

I look at him and wonder, it took him 5 years, all that time giving that poor woman a hope that there's is something worth sacrificing for...and he, can't wait to get out? I cakap kat dia, you waited 5 years to tell her that? (I dah siap dah cakap dalam hati, jangan sesekali dia cakap...oh kesian tak sampai hati...hello, this is a man we are talking about, sejak bilanya ada simpati?) JT boleh jawab..'what should I tell her...that I fell out of love?' 'Apa nanti orang cakap?' Ermm...wait a minute, where have I heard that all before? Yess..ECA ku, masa bertukar pikiran taknak cerai bini dia, itulah yang dicakapnya kat I...takut malu, takut kena kutuk. JT insisted that he was all faithful in his marriage...but who is he kidding? Faithful? Or you all jantan ingat being unfaithful only applies to hubungan sulit mulit dengan pompuan/jantan lain? Have you heard about being emotionally unfaithful? Why can't JT just admitted the truth yang he is actually so complacent with his own set up, tak kisah lah..cinta ke tak cinta pun that he is in fact, do not want to do anything about it? Kesian pompuan tu, punyalah ingat laki dia cinta kat dia.

I can't help myself tu tell him what I think of him. His getaway opportunity is when he is offered to do PHD and masa ni lah nak drop the bombshell. Mana tak pompuan tu naik gila? Well, served him right la pompuan tu is now acting and thinking irrationally but why can't men understand that for a woman, when loves comes to an end, all security and all predictions about your life are destroyed? Majority of woman married for life, while hoping for the better but until the end of life, you just have to take whats given...unless you're strongwill.

I told JT that I think he is actually angry with himself for the mess he have made. He created an enemy and most of all, his guilt over ruining wife's life.I told him that man are not good dealing with guilt.JT asked me if I think he is in the wrong. Well, you can't help for falling out of love and you can't help it if you were unhappy. I told him that he have the choices before but not using it. Now, just because he finds his own way out and use it as his courage, conviction and confidence to leave, and that what I thought is so wrong. JT, macam anak kambing asked me what should he do...and aku dengan bongkaknya cakap...you just have to live with it. This is what you want, no doubt a good decision for you but you shouldn't have been so afraid that you have made a mistake.Not loving someone is not a mistake.

On different note, I went and see F last night, I insisted that after gaduh that day, we should really decide where do we go from here but I was left feeling so bad. My attitude really needs changing.


Lee Novotny said...

Your attitude??? I think the one needs changing attitude or perhaps even brain is F! NOT you! Come to your senses pls!

Oh and JT, oh my God..how self pity and self involved can he be??? For goodness sake, no wonder his a J-T... he aint happy..probably the food is the only thing that can cheer him up... him and the food - deserve each other!

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Haiyoo, Makji Leemah..kenkadang bila bergaduh, I ada jugak menjadik setan nya...ni semua syndrome tak nak commit la ni...

Part mcm mana dia boleh membesar, belum lagi ku tanya...kang tanya, bunuh diri pulak kang, camno?

Manal said...

Wahhhh....makji leemah springer laa...leemah! leemah! leemah! (re: jerry springer)

And amazingly, he dared enuf to spill those beans to u even though u and him never really that chummy before. Did u ask him whether he had ever spoken to some other people on the same matter before he turned to u and he just found u the right person to pour his heart out? Makji Esah the councellor ala2!

Elviza said...

Esah esah esah... (guna tone mak2 sikit!),

I guess this end part of this posting is written with heavy heart. You don't need advice dear friend, you surely know what is the best for you - that I am convinced.

On a more serious note, I am intrigued with the term "emotionally unfaithful". Never heard of it before but I sure knows what it means now!

On the issues of being in love, out of love, commitment and such, teritchy-itchy (God! Language Elviza!!!) jari jari I nih nak menaip beri comment.

But Esah, as I said earlier, no matter how much I have written on it, commented on it, or do whatever with it, I am NONE the wiser.

Love is funny thing my friend.

Take care