Ada 2 Ekor Badak Yang Jahat

Semalam I bangun lambat.Alarm dah bunyi but still susah nak bangun.But the day before, I did what planned to do, makan breakfast Fruits & Nuts tu..and then, after balik kerja, I terus ber stepper for straight 1/2 hour untuk mengeluarkan peluh yang maha lah tak banyak itu.Bila dah exercise, rasa active lah pulak...susah nak tidur, hah, siaplah kan, pagi semalam susah nak bangun!!! As I pun dah terlepas direct bus to my office, I pun pinjam lah kereta Mak Badak yang off day yang terguling-guling tidur sakit gigi tu.Hal sakit gigi dia, I dah malas nak tegur lagi dah...dah lama dah sampai nak sakit tekak ni suruh dia gi Dentist, the answer..nanti,nanti..nanti..sekarang dah sakit, macam tenggiling aje kat atas katil kat bilik dia yang off limits tu.Mak Badak selalu bagi I condition kalau I pinjam kereta dia and yesterday dia suruh I bawak that car gi car wash.Okaylah...tak kisah.Last weekend pun I gasak her car for over 4 days, so nak tolong hantar cuci takde hal. Tapi bila I dah sampai office, I terus banyak kerja sampai lupa nak hantar. Over lunch time, I hantar kereta tu balik kat Mak Badak and encourage dia keluar ambik angin...and I can go to another site work naik bus. Melihatkan keadaannya yang sakit cam pelesit itu, I pun offer la, Hey, malam ni kita makan Indian nak...I belanja lah...bila Mak Badak dengar pasal food, mukanya yang macam frozen roti canai tu terus jadik macam Shilpa.I cakap dengan Mak Badak, okay, you call them and on my way back I pick up lah...I suruh dia tanya Mak Badak nombor 2 if eating Indian is okay...manalah tau kot-kot dia nak makan benda lain.Sambil buat that plan, sambil mengumpat Mak Badak nombor 2.Last time, bila kami order, Mak Badak nombor 2 makan nasik beriyani dia sorang diri and I dengan Mak Badak kecik kena kongsi.Berjurai air mata tengok dia makan the whole box of the Briyani.

I called Mak Badak nombor satu at 4pm, tanya how is she and sambil bagi nombor phone kedai Shilpa Pappadom Take away tu,Mak Badak nombor satu cakap, dia masih ada kat rumah menengok Jeremy Kyle.Kereta pun nggak dicucian lagi.As I need to go to a meeting in the West Middlesex Hospital yang tak jauh from my flat, I pun cakaplah..okay, I'll come back and pick the car up for wash.So, I balik rumah, ambil kunci kereta and gi sambung kerja balik.Kerja punya kerja, tup tup phone office I bunyi.Mak Badak call office and bagitau, dia dah order that Indian food and suruh I pick up 40 minutes later.I tengok jam dah dekat pukul 6pm.So, I better blah from office and hantar kereta Mak Badak nombor satu kat tempat orang Albania yang sungguh hensem-hensem serta berbadan six packs (not to mention their thick crotch) itu.Bila dah keluar office, jalan punyalah jam and I waited 10 minutes to come out of a turn.I dok imagine kalau-kalau high street jam gila (time-time orang balik kerja ni), lambatlah I sampai kat Car Wash tu, and kalau Car Wash tu sibuk, I kena tunggu lagi...and I pulak tak biasa gi sensorang...pasal I tak pandai melayan they all yang hunky-hunky tu.So,disebabkan tak nak bagi Mak Badak-Mak Badak tu lapar, I pun decided not to take that car to the car wash and heading to Shilpa Pappadom Takeaway instead.Bila sampai rumah, Mak Badak nombor satu sungguh baik hati sampai siap sambut plastik bag berisi barang makan itu.Mak Badak nombor 2 biasalah, macam tu aje.Muka tak pernah manis, tak berak stress, berak pun stress, tak cukup tidur stress, salah makan stress, kucing hilang stress, semua stress.Bila Mak Badak nombor satu dah hidang all that lauk pauk, dia pun tanyalah I, kitak udah ka sik, nyucik keta kamek? I said 'aku sik sempat, jalan gi tempat nyucik keta ya busy...kitak polah besoklah'.

I thought, bila I dah belanja makan sedap-sedap ni...dah berusaha gigih collect take away, itu ini...Mak badak akan give me a break lah kan tapi, dibebelnya aku for 1/2 hour.Kereta tak boleh kotor nanti rosak dia punya paint lah...

I diam aje.Untuk mengubat hati yang luka, I pun gi lah check mail, baca online news bagai...tiba-tiba terserempak lah dengan Goddess Farajelentit.Ber bors bors lah kami.Sungguh syok until I teringat yang I ni belum mandi.

That's all.Tak bombastik kan?

The Jahat Thought

One of my workmate tendered her resignation 2 weeks ago.She have been with us over 2 years now and I remember placing her under my wings when she first started.Unlike me, she is very qualified but because of the language difficulties and the clash of many attitudes,she remain the back burners of the team.Apart from working difficulties, she is a very,very nice person.

The procedure of leaving in this company is as the same as joining.You have to endure the interview, only this one is an exit interview.They want to know why people are leaving them.It looks like they care.If you work anywhere in the UK, where the human health is concern, there is always a watertight procedure.You have amassed truckloads of information and now that you want out,they will wonder what will you take with you.Bureaucracy.

The only thing that I am always not prepared to handle is dealing with human resources.I can never see myself in that department at all.People say it is easy now that I'm into all that psychological shit and talking people into and out or getting things in and out of people is easy.I really think that is a stupid speculation that people can't help themselves with and should stop right now.

Majority of my close friends (attention...tak banyak mana pun sebenarnya) are now a well heeled people in their own rights, we go to school together since we were very young,we attend that Section 6 college and we were scattered around this pear shaped land to get validation of what we studied for.Some of us didn't make it. Ada yang fail cam nak mampus (aku la tu) and ada pulak yang lost interest.As I have said many,many times, I'm not very good at holding a relationship with another people, be it kawan-kawan pun.Only a few from before that although we only say hi to each other as and when we have time,I know somehow we still share the bond.They remain close to each other and never forget to keep me in the loop.

Back to what really is making my head tinged.The resignation of this Poles lady and some indirect inquisition that I made about some people.This lady all this while dah bagitau semua orang yang dia nak blah apart from me.Even my Placement Manager pun tau, I yang hari-hari jumpa dia pun tak tau.Over couple of months ago,I can feel that some of my 'veteran' team tak puas hati of my over special treatment to Miss Nigeria.Miss Nigeria is now my deputy and I'm quite happy to longgok all my workloads to her.She seems happy but I know she would rather Be one of the Pixar Animated Visualiser rather than educating the oracle.The Poles being very qualified in what we do,feel sidelined.It is sad but you can't help it if you really are 'below par', however over educated you are.

The way of thinking often made one different from others.Education is a base but never a tool.You can have all educated one in a room but after all only realised that they are all the same.I can be one of the same.But somehow,I am really choosy of people.I told this Poles of what I think of her resignation and how I have no intention to 'talk her out of it'.The frequencies of 'is this what you really want' and 'what do you hope to achieve' sentence is all the way through used.What ever profession or career you choose, do you ever think of what you want out of it? Money can always be a strong motive to hold a job, but self satisfaction, ambition and to be the best of what you does, tu semua tak termasuk ke?

I have expectation of people.And I welcome people expectation of me.In working wise, we just have to and I believe having expectation in relationship as well.On the whole, it may look as if we work for people.Literally it is.Or when you become friends with others, you somehow wanted 'validation' and 'acceptance'.But it is not.You got your acceptance when they replied your 'hi' and you got your validation when you started talking.After that, you and the other person have to work on what you want in your 'relationship'.With work or with human.If your friends is avoiding you,that is the first sign to acknowledge that your 'relation' is tak memberangsangkan.Or, they just a busy bastards.

This may sound like shit.But this is what that works.If you can't get want you want or if the working or human relationship did not come out beneficially good,you can then tell if its working or not.Yours arrogantly.

Ye laaaa....Update lah ni...

Ada jugak orang nak baca luahan hati orang macam I ni.Even I don't like to read myself.That is what happened when you too busy reading others and that will also tell you how colourful their lives is compared to yours and that will left you with the 'jaki' feelings.Maybe. In case you're asking,I have not been well.Panas dingin,panas dingin camtu that made me come to a stupid conclusions that my blood is badly contaminated with toxins and that is making me sekejap demam,sekejap baik.I'm so certain that I am physically and emotionally depressed.Kerja banyak and bertambah banyak.Buku kena baca...(tapi, baca separuh, pastu tengok 'Frasier' berulang-ulang sampai penat and then tidur.Productive sungguh hidupku.

Realising that my life is heading somewhere unhealthy, I decided to play/be a good and caring loving partner by making way to Finsbury Park earlier than usual so that I can spend a long weekend.So, bila kat rumah orang, access to computer sungguhlah limitednya.Frankie have this idea that bila I dah pakai computer, I dengan automatic nya akan meng 'ignore' dirinya itu. Kalau ada access pun, ada time limit lagi...1/2 hour or 1 hour the most and not a minute more.Disebabkan tak nak nya berlaku percikan air liur yakni bergaduh, kuturutkan jua kehendak situa itu.But when you think about it, what is the point of spending time together kalau aku asyik nak ngadap pc aje? Partnership is about give and take kan?

I have a unconventional taste in a partner.While people usually go for security,looks and what not, I tend to go for people that I can have a debate with.People with wisdom to guide aku yang kurang wisdom ni.It sounded well snobbish but I can't help to to want that 'type' of people.I really disliked people doing small talk, not that I dislike them people but I just tak rajin with 'madah-madah berhelah' ni. My current partner and my previous person always been as direct as I expected and I somehow find the direct talk rather brave and intelligent.People often asked 'how can you tahan that' and 'if I were you, lama dah aku bagi notice kat dia'. I must admit that certain people can only tolerate a certain level of directness but somehow,if we don't exercise this,we will not know what else can come in our way.I like to see the worst in people first as that, I know what to expect in a long run.But one thing you must know that, enduring a bumpy ride is uncomfortable and you don't know if its going to be bumpy all the way.And if you're into this,you have got to have The Beatles by your side rendering 'All You Need Is Love' all the way through.

The beauty of my relationship is that I can say what is in my head and expect anything without any fear.We both hurt each other with the things we said but I can't remember us talking ourselves out of it.Because of that, every time we argue and argue bad, I expect the worst and then when we start talking again,no one will ever apologise because we have argued the things we want to argue.But satu yang I paling tak tahan is the sarcasm.Take this tip, if you can't take mild sarcasm with people around you,janganlah nak ber partner kan orang putih.Lainlah if you have serious hearing impaired.

I talked through my worries with my partner, how I think that I'm in the brink of being depressed.It is very important that you involve your partner in the time like this because kalau dah sakit nanti,yang akan kena tempiasnya dia jugak kan? And we both agreed that the first thing that I have to cleverly manage is my time. What I did on last Friday is to plan my weekly personal time table and I have to commit to it like my commitment to Diet Coke.My new life plan involves :-

Weekdays, I must be up by 5.45 am, personal care and breakfast.This must be done in a good time pace, and by 7.00 am, I must be down by the stop depan rumah and menunggu bus 481 dengan sabar. I must tell the people that I'm working with that if I am meant to consult them for an hour,I have to finish talking/listening when it reached 1 hour.The most important thing is to adhere my working hours.I'm doing 2 work in one and I have to be very careful as it can be draining.At the end of my working day, I have to exercise non-stop for 1/2 hour until I sweat out all the toxins.Then I will shower and after that is a me,me time (blogging,tengok TV what not) and must be in bed by 10.30 pm.

This will affect many pleasurable things like ...like...but put it this way, if you hardly see me around, then you know that it is not that I am ignoring you,it is because there's is things that need doing first than this.

But blogging is always my clandestine pleasure at work.You are all beautiful people.I must not lose touch with all of you.

Happy Mondays.

Merenda Kasih

I started my day very early and was mesmerised by the falling snow. You never think about seeing a snow at this time of the year, sama lah macam banjir in Johore. Because of this, it took me a good 2 hours travelling to work on the bus waiting for the Richmond Council to scrap the icy bit. Hajat dihati nak ponteng...but as Cikki kat rumah tu sakit mata and I tak nak lah pulak berjangkit, gagahkanlah jugak kaki ni. Bus took ages to come maybe because of the road condition.Lama lah menunggu sampai tangan beku. I keep wishing that the bus will turn up anytime soon...so dapatlah aku merasakan kehangatan badan bus itu. After 1/2 hour or maybe more, muncul 3 bus sekali lalu. Tunggu berjam-jam, sekali datang, hah!!! From there, you can see the similarities between men and buses.You waited for them long time and then, two came along at once. Dua dua lapang and banyak seat. But always,always choose the first one. I can't tell you the reason why, just an inkling. But, snow is only nice and pretty when they fall down from the sky.When they cair, people like me, can jatuh tergolek anytime.

Thanks to Hjh Coco Pop Chanel, dapat jugak I install this song in my blog.There is something about this song that touches me so deep and there was a time where I was woken up of my long and winding dream by this.Some years ago when the TV still showing ASIA BAGUS, the Indonesian contestant is the one that I would watch out for because they, off all contestant and superstar wannabe will choose the most quality song that suits the competition.One of the Indonesian's favourite was 'Merenda Kasih'.

As you have read my kisah cinta that lasted for 10 years...the part where Ruth was rendering 'Tiada lelahku, menanti dan tunggu harapan yang dulu kau janji kan...Namun sampai kapan..kuharus selalu begini kasih..., that is when I realised that I waited and patient long enough with him to take anymore deposit of shit. I identify with it a lot and I have agreed that after a long tak sudah-sudah battle...like 'Dan bila kita memang harus berpisah'....we should really 'berpisah' and educate ourselves into moving on and there is always a grass that is greener that where you are at that time.

Of course the last part where 'Biarkan daku dengan cintaku, dengan jalanku...kan ku ukir manis kenangan kasih kita', is the most important bit of parting.I guess this is the same with everyone that has come out from a long term relationship, that you really have to promise yourself something that is strong enough to cajole yourself out of the misery.I did this.I keep telling myself, enough is enough...and I will get through this.

Conclusion? I think I have got through 'that' and I still think of him...the one I have loved so,so much I can die.Cit!!!

Disturbing News/Views

Abdullah: Laman blog perlu bertanggungjawab

LONDON 23 Jan. – Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi mengingatkan penulis-penulis laman blog supaya lebih bertanggungjawab dan tidak memaparkan hasil kerja yang bertentangan dengan undang-undang.

Tegas Perdana Menteri, meskipun kerajaan tidak membuat tapisan terhadap bahan-bahan dalam Internet, ia tidak bermakna penulis laman blog boleh bertindak dengan sewenang-wenangnya.

‘‘Mereka (penulis laman blog) tidak boleh mengambil kesempatan dengan melakukan sesuatu yang bertentangan undang-undang. Undang-undang tetap undang-undang.

‘‘Apa makna kebebasan tanpa tanggungjawab,’’ kata Perdana Menteri pada sidang akhbar selepas menyampaikan ucaptama bertajuk Barat dan Dunia Islam: Meredakan Tekanan Masa Kini di sini hari ini.

Abdullah mengulas tindakan sebuah akhbar tempatan (Malaysia) yang menyaman dua laman blog yang didakwa memaparkan kandungan berunsur fitnah dan hasutan baru-baru ini.

Sementara itu, dalam perkembangan lain, Perdana Menteri yang juga Pengerusi Barisan Nasional (BN) mengingatkan jentera pilihan raya parti supaya jangan memandang mudah cabaran parti lawan pada pilihan raya kecil Dewan Undangan Negeri Batu Talam, 28 Januari ini walau pun pihak pembangkang bertindak memulaukannya.

Tegas Abdullah, jentera BN perlu mengerakkan seluruh tenaga menerusi kempen yang dijalankan bagi memastikan kemenangan besar kepada calon BN.

‘‘Pembangkang tidak berani nak bertanding. Jika ada peluang untuk menang, mereka (pembangkang) akan berbuat demikian,’’ kata Abdullah.

– Utusan

As at 9.50pm tonight, pssttt...sorrylah Ustazah Bellabedot, just picked up your text, sorrylah tak dapat join YM, by the time I sampai rumah, you all dah takde.Tomorrow, Makji ada majlis Qiyamullail pulak depan TV, Arsenal vs Spurs.So, maybe bila Makji free, kita berchat-chat lah ye...so, as usual, sambil tengok CBB, Makji bacalah Utusan Online, and of course this news keluar. Sentapz ni...

Malaysian Government a.k.a. orang -orang yang bekerja didalamnya (those who membentuk 'The Government') tak sudah-sudah nak tell people what to do and what not to do.For the bunch of educated people who can't tell the difference between 'fitnah' and 'opinion' is very,very sad.I'm sure the blog page yang disaman is the those who are brave enough to share their view.Mind you,brave is one thing.These people are passionate about their future and of course,we are all entitled to say what we think is right or to give an opinion.Who is Abdullah Badawi or Khairy Jamaluddin to tell you not to? They are just lucky that they were voted by us or you to be where they are now.I'm not so passionate about Malaysian Politics as I used to be but to have your say block blatantly is beyond imagination.I once read about how Hishamuddin Hussein Onn behaved like a hen-pecked barua crucifying Mukhriz Mahathir just because he said his peace about the kepimpinan.And of course the typical bit of 'Sila Minta Maaf' or 'Sila Letak Jawatan Sekarang Jugak' proposal.Sedappp aje suruh orang resign kan?

To blog owners, as long as you don't write shitty things like 'MASTIKA', don't stop writing things that feels right in your heart.Nothing is nasty to read, even if it is your bondage sexperience.Nobody can say what is right or what is wrong (but, merogol and membunuh, mencuri duit orang or anything of its kind and cuba menjatuhkan maruah is wrong and please don't do this)

Abdullah Badawi meant well for all we know but this attitude of top gun is kebal and because of their status and power they think they can tell people how to run their lives has to stop now.The Top people in Malaysia should now find a way to help the impoverished Malaysians that have to pay their bank 1 for the price of 2 Proton Saga Car in instalments.For goodness sake,for the screaming Islamic way of Banking, how can they get away for charging the sky high rates of interest? How do they justify collecting RM20,000 from a RM2,000 debts ? If the government care, government will do something.Tell the bank what to do, because the Government control the economy.They should not control people's blog.

Keep on, you all.

A Girl Got To Work It Out

I am lucky enough to have a safety net, by having a personal therapy on a weekly basis...(not to mention that I have to pay £35.00 per session to have my shit rendered to this person) This is a standard practice for me and other that doing the same kind of job like me (not the mengular bit..not that Hjh Esah bit) to discuss the difficult issues thrown up to us by our patients with more experience predecessor.I like to tell you more about this man that I'm having a therapy with,how,that was a time once upon a month ago,I intrusively told him about my fantasy of him.Macam celaka.But I got over that now.I supposed, sometimes, we all have that 'things' in our head that tak reti duduk diam and will start to wonder all sort...like...emm..how is it feel to have sex with this person..sha..na..na...(hello, not only me yeah)

I told this man of what I thought about one of my patient that I think is a Biggest Drama Queen of all time.I don't know why, but I'm very critical of him and I am very surprised of my hostility of him. I hated this man gut so much, I never mentioned him in my blog, pasalnya, we had 15 session of him giving me the ear bash of his cheating wife. The work (between me and him) failed miserably.His anger towards her tormented my sensitivity.I really hated him.

My therapist, being a wise old man he is,acknowledge my anger as part of the occupational hazard but he asked, perceptively, if anything else might be going on like 'What does this man mean to you'. Obviously, he was trying to get something that can lie behind many disagreement, feuds and conflicts, and consume massive amounts of our time and energy: sometimes, we think we are fighting one thing,but, unknown to us, we are actually at war with someone or something that is completely different.

Oh yeah, my own personal teraphy session is every Monday.Surprisingly, yesterday,I don't talk about him.I told my therapist that I think I know why I hated him.Because he is a cheat and somehow, he managed to cheat his way out of it and making him look like the cheated one.As much as he want to 'talk himself out' of his despair of having cheated his wife, it is very apparent that he is emotionally bullying her.He can't forgive himself and to make himself feel better,he transformed his despair into being the cheated one.Babi.

When I am angry with my ex, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm better off without him as he cheated on me big time.Clashing with that anger is my feelings for him and until now I don't know what it is.Why was I angry? This thing never rest.I am not with him anymore and he should by now, is long forgotten.I re analysed that burning moment when he told me that he is marrying someone else.Apart from the cheater, rationally, you would want to kill the other person that he is cheating on you with.But in my case, the other woman was never a threat.In fact, she was completely blank from the equation. Of course, I only found out their affair after a year, itupun sebab dia sendiri yang bagitau.

The question of forgiving him for his affair was never come up.(not that he ever apologise pun) But if he does, I'm sure, if you love someone so much, you will have that soft spot to forgive.But affairs can be forgiven but rarely forgotten and people have affair for all sorts of reasons...dissatisfaction, wanting to leave, not being able to commit, curiosity, feeling inferior; and differences of need, to just name a few. My ex boyfriend affair of course, came as an earth-shattering shock, but what about the issues which lie dormant for years before reaching their dramatic denouement?

I am a boring girlfriend. That much I know, and I know why he was with me. In fact, after many years or less, I can tell why men would want to have me as a partner.That is probably why I have 3 proposals.I'm more a pengikut setia type. And with my current partner, I just switch from pengikut setia to penderhaka.That is why you have read a lot about our stupid fights.

This man (that I hated) is like me.As a woman, you can have a male version of you.And I think, he is it.I would hate me if I am my partner.I am such a boring, boring person.The reason why I hated this man is as the same reason why I hated my past relationship...alaaa..yang 10 years takde makna tu...the big part of it is my fault.But did I really see it as my fault? Not really.Because of that, this man is still going to be in my hit list for a very,very long time.

Now you know the reason why people hate other people.There is something about that other people they hate that is reminding them about the thing that they hate in them.Wah...very the confusing.

The Think Tank World

I am appeal to discuss Razak Baginda, the Think Tank man who is now infamously involved in the attack-done-dusted on that Mongolian model.Quietly, I followed all the news, from the day he was named and shamed,arrested,bailed out,refused bail and jailed,while waiting for trial that is schedule next year.Razak Baginda is known to me by reputation,well,he is the head of the Malaysian Intelligent Agency but I never knew how he look like in person.LeQ adamantly said that he is good looking.Yeah..maybe 20 years ago.But I agree, he is not that ugly to look at.Along with the newspaper saga,the journalist naughtily inserted the reaction of his wife,a lawyer herself that has since maintain Razak's innocence.Her defensive remarks to the unforgiving journalist was widely reported.Things said out like 'He is innocent,I'm a lawyer and I can sue you...'.Suka benar orang Malaysia sue orang lain ye? Sue them for what? Working with the press? At one time, her poor daughter had to pacify her.Well,I am indeed very sorry for their misfortune.But as a educated woman,it is unfair to have a go at the journalist like that.A journalist presents stories that people like us wants to read.These journalists are good,because they know the hot scoop that we like to read as well as selling their newspaper. Big sale, more money eh? I don't believe for once, them journalist really nak menyebok writing things that nobody would be interested.Something like...kucing itu telah mati dan bertukar menjadi langsuir or bertukar menjadi ular jelmaan syaitan yang menyusup masuk ke lubang jamban Vista Damai, Tingkat 33.If we like that,then we buy MASTIKA.

Razak has recently admitted that he did have an affair with this woman who has now deceased and dusted.Maybe Razak has maintained his innocence to the family.His lawyer wife heart must be split in 5 now that she being cuckolded.Razak in his statement has branded this woman a gold digger after spending USD10,000 to keep her invisible (from wife,daughter and family) If the deceased really was a gold digger then her demand is very,very low.Maybe that is Mongolian rate.I would have asked for more.The affair lasted for a quite considerable amount of time.Razak is very smart to have his out of meal time snacks out of the usual meal place.Count the distance and everything,he only spent RM4500.00 a month for this woman.Local woman would have cost more.He is very smart as well as mean with his cash.But is a bit unfair to call the deceased 'Gold Digger'. There is a rumour going on that Razak is scapegoating for DPM.Allah lah yang maha mengetahui.My interest in Razak is merely his intelligence.The Mongolian family has lost their daughter.Whether Razak is guilty,we shall leave that to his legal team.But Razak have motive.This interests me.Natural born penyebok like me.Ha..ha..

It is only natural for a man to take an interest to a pretty woman.A bonus for man if they have a fat wallet, that will save them from doing a small talk.Wallet will do it all for him.Some people have this thing about protecting their reputation.Reputation is a self-built title.Whatever the reputation is.For number of stupid things man can do,I never think that having an affair will tarnish/damage the reputation.He is financially eligible.Being a Muslim,getting caught is a massive embarrassment.Well,he can always marry the woman he fancies. I suspect that apart from his reputation, being one of the DPM aides,Razak is not the kind of man that can bear losing grace from his family.With wife like his,can you imagine why sort of partnership they have? And then of course, the famous reputable family and the glorious family name.

For a Think Tank man,he obviously did not deal with this gold-digger woman wisely.He claimed that the deceased has extorted money of him.Causing troubled at his family home.Who is this woman? Did she really do all that? Maybe.For that, he feels the need to hire a PI.Not only a PI, he asked for extra police patrol around his house.How ridiculous.What can this woman do? He painted the deceased as a high mighty money extort bitch that causing life hell for him.Far from it Bang Razak oii...

Whatever motives the deceased had,we can't know because she was badly blown up to dust somewhere in that Puncak Alam hill.Razak obviously used his contact to shut this woman up,when he necessarily do not have to.If this woman really is bleeding him dry (USD10,000) he should have reported her to the authorities.What can this woman do next? If she is smart,she can sue him.They reportedly have a baby together.She can always sue him for child maintenance and the whatever the need is.Surely Razak can afford that, but Malaysian man always have ways to tipu bayar nafkah anak.Gaji tak cukup lah..kena bagi makan kucing lah..

Smarter Razak would have done this,

1. When his affair is about to blow up on his face, he now should tell the wife.He may have to endure the period of periuk terbang melayang, boxing, shouting, swearing, slagging match for a while.Being Razak big fish himself,if I am the wife,I will stay put and spend his money.If your heart is broken,find a clever way to heal it. Shop, shop and shop.Razak will grovel to you and let him do that for a very,very long time.

2. Razak, if no longer have interest in that other woman, should have told her the truth.Can't do this anymore lah Babe...my family means everything to me.I'm sorry, but it is not you.As a think tank, Razak will never have short of ideas to dump a girl.Unless this is something that he is seriously not good at.

3. If the other woman turn nasty,Police got paid to protect the innocent citizen.Remember that man who had an affair with that newscaster that swindled his cash like a unlicensed Ah Long? He is smart by reporting her,took her to court and he got his money back while that poor woman goes to jail.But he paid the price of massive embarrassment when every single intimate details come to light.

But unfortunately, Razak didn't do this.He maybe didn't think of this probably because he is too scared to lose his grace.It is scary to learn what they can do.I hate to think the fact that Malaysian Top Gun still can adapt to that Mafia style execution.I thought we have passed that Sultan Johor's days where the high and mighty (kunun nya) can just slap,tembak or whack anyone if they get annoyed.People like Razak can pay for his own protection.Policve should hunt the child rapist that left poor dead body little girl in that semak samun.They don't need to execute Altantuya.Whatever reason she has,she do not deserved to be blown up like that.

When I was still living in Malaysia,the Police seems to have the unstoppable powers.Even the lower pangkat one.I was stopped once because I was driving out early morning in search of nasi lemak.After cannot find things that can support his reason to stop us, he only let us off with 'Orang Perempuan tak baik bawak kereta malam-malam ni'.

Sadly, he get paid for that.Wasting his and our time.See ya soon.I'm off to the EMIRATES.Maybe a moral of Razak's story is that, Big Fish is not necessarily can feed you enough.Big Fish like this is so kedekut.Avoid a man who keep all his receipt.His wallet is probably not fat as it may look like.It is better to sorry now than being strapped with a bomb and get blown up over USD10,000

I Need Your Ears

Sudah,sudah.Tak mau discuss pasal racism lagi.Buat punca bertengkar aje.In fact,millions out there have gone gut for gutters owing to this issue.Thanks to Jade Goody,Danielle Tahsapasapa & Jo SClub 7.But If I may,it is all emerged from a massive lack of vanity with brain that is a same size as cashew nut.We must now learn to forgive their disability.They got annoyed,they argued,they said stupid things that shouldn't be said in the national television,Jade was booted and we are now happy.End of.

Well, I hardly ever have Saturdays to myself and let alone post a story in my blog.But since I lose my temper and partner decided not to see me (and it's Frankie's loss), I am now in there house,breakfasting roti canai and now typing away on my VAIO laptop (motive berkompang?) and try to have fun as much as I like.

Did I tell you that I suspect that I have a autistic tendency? Yes, I think I do and I realised this 4 years ago since I started working with the Social Care Services.I observed my clients from head to toe, making analysis of their behaviour and work out a way for all of us to live together or not, to keep them out of abnormality that could endanger them and others.When doing this, I notice some similarities between me and some of them.And I analysed.Analysing is not a highly respected profession,in fact,it came with loads of dirty looks and corrugated forehead from people that speaks millions nasty words like hey, kau takde kerja lain ke...!!

At first, I was worried that since there is a similarities, will it mean that I too, have a worrying behavioural disorder? You know lah, some time you often wonder, eh why did I do that? Why did lose my temper like that, what was I thinking at that time...kind of thing.As much as we want to excuse it to a momentarily insanity that when you think about it, happened quite a lot (in my case lah) but when it happened rather regularly,you will started to think that somewhere somehow,there is something in you that can't help the way you behave,because somehow it register right in your brain as the right thing to react or behave when that moment occur.

But luckily,the more you analyse,the more you come to comprehend that things are normal.In my clients case,it appears as such an alarming behaviour because their incapacity to control and to understand their behaviour is largely affected by their learning disabilities.But stop there!! All human have learning disabilities,and it is distinguish by the length of severity.That's explained the repetitive mistakes and all those unidentified madness (speaking of switching a husband to a roommate in a bengang mode)

One in many of autistic tendency is one with autism can only understand what is presented to them rather than spoken to them.The hardest one to work with is with their comprehension to changes.Most cases of my past clients suicide are due to this.We ourselves sometimes find it difficult to take changes in life.Whatever that may be.My life changed greatly since I decided to leave everyone behind.I'm pretty much certain that I'm likely to be alone all the way forward and for that,I misses my past.I spoke to my therapist about my fear of living alone but still unconsciously building up this defence of not wanting to feel hurt.

I have this client who have not seen her family in ages.Part of it to do with her vulnerability and now,she is showing the sign of distress.I can feel that she is missing them but the behaviour that she exhibit hardly translating what she genuinely feels apart from the obvious message that she is stressed.I have shown a significant amount of 'madness' lately ni.I think I know why.I have not been calling my family since Aidilfitri.But I do send them postcard and presents,one way of telling my father that I'm still breathing.I get very lonely at times.I never tell other people apart from you who are reading and my therapist that I really miss my mother.I know what most people will say if I tell them this.Call her lah, if you rindu.But I didn't.I wanted to, but I don't think I can. If you know why and then,you'll understand.It is so hard after many many years or forming a defence from your own feelings.This is a habit that cannot just break just like that. Call it stupidity.The truth is, it is hard to explain.

I can't thank you enough for listening.

CBB - Racism Or Not?

Fortunately for us that the television are showing the program called 'Big Brother' here in UK and some other countries.I don't know what to compare it with any program in KL,as I feel that our government will not allow such thing to be aired for public viewing.Bunch of strangers in the house, locked away from the outside world, no contact,no radio no nothing but themselves.The normal Big Brother will last for 12 weeks and the celebrity version of it will be at least 4 weeks (?) At the mo,they are showing the celebrity edition.There's Dirk Benedict and Jermaine Jackson and yang lain-lain nya tu semua I kureng kenal.On top of that,I have no idea whose idea it was to invite the former Big Brother housemate Jade Goody (obviously, now that she have survived the Big Brother house in the previous year,she is now can call herself celebrity) Bukan dia aje yang kena pelawa jadi housemate,the producer thought it was a good idea to menumpang sekakikan boyfriend and mak dia sekali.

Jade ni,adalah orang putih yang berbangsa council estate uols.(Haiyooo,jahatnya mulutku) but if you live here,you can always tell how the children of working class and middle class behave.Jade ni kira orang putih working class lah,yang maha tak glamour.Tapi,ada jugak family working class yang properly brought up but tengoklah parents yang macam mana.Jade ni asalnya bapak hitam and mak nya, quoting Goddess Selene, very the lap kaki.Over the years si Jade ni dah jadi celebrity,she reinvent herself into a slight 'normality' i.e.berperangai senonoh gitu.Jade ni dulu amatlah very the lap kaki nya like her mother.Dah cukup dengan obnoxiously behaved, sekolah pun tak berapa pandai and for that,she voluntarily making fool of herself in the national television.Ni kisah dedolu lah.So,the first few days she entered the Celebrity Big Brother house,her newly adapted behaviour (yakni kesenonohan yang diterima akal) maintain lah.But as orang kata,a style one must possess and cannot be bought.To me,cemana pun dia over grooming dirinya tu,ketidak 'class' an dirinya sungguh obvious by looking at her choice of man as a boifren.Muka lawa tapi attitude lap kaki.

Jade's mum was evicted after a week after series of perangai buruk mengalahkan tenuk.Apparently she seems to clash with this Bollywood star called Shilpa.Siapa Shilpa ni,janganlah tanya I.My knowledge aboout Bollywood is only limited to only 'Haati Mere Saathi' and 'Bobby'.I am more Meg Ryan person of anybody else.I know who is Shah Rukh Khan by name and not knowing how he look like.This can be an ignorance tahap nak mampus if one day lah,tengah jalan-jalan kat Hounslow which is not far from Twickenham tiba-tiba si Shah Rukh Khan ni jatuh tergolek depan I pun I tak kenal.

Okay.Back to Celebrity Big Brother (CBB). Dua tiga hari lately ni,hot in news about an allegation of bullying,emotional abuse and racism of the household of CBB.News reported that apparently si Jade,Jo (ex S Club 7) and Danielle (her only claim of celebrity status is because boifren nya si Teddy Sheringham footballer tu, tu aje) telah membuli and have been using a racial remarks against si Ratu Bollywood ni.I hari-hari tengok and rasanya takdelah pulak racial abuse tahap KLCC.However,these 3 white women happened to tread on a rather sensitive issues that I can only suggest surfaced from a pure ignorance.

Shilpa pun satu,probably owing to her naivety and considering a different culture and country that she is originated from did not do herself any favour by displaying a kind of attitude.I remembered how she was so stressed out about having to be wait by her fellow housemates that was chosen to become their maid.Not fair,not fair katanya.I never treated my friend like that in the outside world.Alahaiii...why lah want to take things too personal? Bukannya producer suruh your housemate tu cuci berak you pun.This program is obviously a game where everyone is against each other in a matter of to see who will survive those confine space.Lagipun, mereka-mereka tu (the other contestant) bukannya kawan-kawan kamceng pun.Kenal pun dalam rumah jugak.So bila orang suruh buat task, buat ajelah kan.Janganlah nak berdrama-drama queen pulak.

Semalam, they all tu bergaduh lagi, Jade and Shilpa that is.Kau kau gaduh tu sampai Jermaine Jackson yang kena sabarkan.For a normal person like Shilpa,all the swear words from Jade really traumatised her.The 2 other bitches tu, si S Club 7 dengan Footballers Wife tu pakat bergelak ketawa aje bila them two verbally mutilating each other.Antara ayat-ayat power yang digunakan oleh Jade Goody Two Shoes tu ialah :-

1. You faakin' layarrr (cockney for You effing liar)
2. You so stak kap yer ass, so hi up you can smell yerron shikk (cockney for You so stuck up your ass, so high up you can smell your own sh*t)

And few more yang kesatnya mengalahkan pengelap kaki I.I yang tengok pun takut apatah lagi Hjh Coco Chanel.Terceri beri agaknya kot.The few things that me and Frankie have in common is Big Brother.We discuss who we like who we don't.We think that it is kind of true there is a bit of soft bullying in there.I think the right word is ganging up on each other.Shilpa herself,as being 'different' will of course lah akan terasa.Si perempuan-perempuan Matsalleh tu pulak,biasalah kan, bila Shilpa dah membuat perangai,mereka pun succumb lah kedalam kuali mereka sendiri.Like us,when we were in school,if we suddenly feel 'out of place' dah semestinya Maggi lah kan kita akan dok berkelompok dengan orang kita sendiri.

Because of that,habislah segala manusia dalam UK ni terus complaint mengatakan yang Matsalleh yang 3 orang ni racist.Susah nak cakaplah benda ni.But from what I see,this monorities will always resort to claim being racially abused bila ada je benda yang rasa tak kena dengan orang putih.Bila orang putih tegur orang hitam pasal buat bising dalam bas,the first thing orang hitam ni akan tuduh orang putih ni ialah being racist.Tapi si hitam ni lupalah pulak yang memang dia yang berpetir-petir dalam bas tu yang sungguhlah mengganggu ketenteraman orang lain.Bila orang hitam exhibit anti social behaviour in public,bila police tahan,mulalah dituduhnya police tu racist.I think this country has been kind enough to allow orang-orang luar yang masuk sini,whatever circumstances pun.Not only that,dibagi benefit lagi.Masih jugak orang minority ni nak buat hal.UK operates more than equal opportunity and to be call a racist country,sungguhlah kejam kan? In fact, the minorities is asking more than what they should bargain for,mengalahkan Oliver Twist.Kesian jugak tengok orang putih kat sini kenkadang,negara sendiri but cannot speak their mind,takut dipanggil racist. My flatmate work in a school.Ramai betul budak-budak anak asylum seeker yang sungguh puaka. Nak marah or denda,nanti mak bapak tuduh sekolah racist. Kena pakai baju proper-proper takut offend the minorities.Nak pakai jersey England pun kena jaga-jaga,takut budak-budak yang from another country akan terasa.What was that? One of my client that day kena tegur pasal dia pakai short union jack.Kononnya,telah membuatkan certain people terasa.Pahal lak,he is an Englishman wearing an British thing,how is that offensive to people that is not English? In the end,orang putih become so repressed and let this asylum seeking originated nationals rules.

Okay,some Brits are overbearing.You can't compare them to your culture at any time.They can speak up to their parents.We have to tread the water carefully before approaching big wave.Maybe there are some that is 'dodgy' but I think that is more to do with insecurities.Macam kita lah,kalau dah neighbour sebelah menyebelah orang Indon,pastu siap buat Pusat Kebajikan Indon besar-besar sampai kita pun rasa asing,mau taknya rasa insecure? This is the same with them Brits.Too many asylum seekers yang kononnya escaping injustice from their own country.Patutnya datang sini,hormatlah budaya orang sini.Ni tak,nak ditukarnya Britain ni jadik Pakistan lah, India lah, Africa lah...Pakistan kan dah ada kat sinun,apahal lah pulak nak bukan branch kat sini? Another thing yang I perasan,orang-orang minorities ni sendiri yang suka dividing themselves from orang lain.In London,there is a radio station which they proudly call 'The Black Station' and ada pulak 'The Black Month' in a year.Why do they have to do this? Separating themselves and screaming equality.Mana ada 'White Radio Station' or 'White People Month' pulak? What equality are they after?

Well,my partner is white.Racism never occur cuma kenkadang,dia straight talk dengan I yang dia kadang-kadang rasa 'tak seswai' dengan my culture.Well,that is purely to do with dia punya insecurities,tak adalah sampai malicious.But I must not deny yang tahap sarcasm Matsalleh yang sungguh membimbangkan.

In CBB,bila dah masing-masing bergaduh tu,mulalah keluar benda-benda yang on the surface,because it was meant for the other race,it may as well sounded racist to the person on the receiving end.Selalunya when driven by anger, we tend to pick up things that is obvious e.g.colour of people skin and stuff like that.So bila Jade & Gangs gaduh dengan Shilpa,the nasty joke that come out out of anger or sheer frustration is about her curry.There's even a remark about her English,but when you think about it,talking about curry is not at all racist.It is true that you can only associate curry with an Indian and Indian national do not speak in a queen accent.But the stupid part of this matsalleh's is to say it in a national television.Manalah orang tak kata?

Every where you go in England, people usually associate the Black with gangsterism, pasalnya, it was widely portrayed in their rap music of how cool it is to become gangster.Then came the Jamaicans and the drugs.Sometimes when you come across bebudak hitam yang perangai macam angsa, immediately you will associate them with the bad one.Tapi,ada jugak yang baik-baik yang bangsa pergi church 3 kali sehari tu.Habis busuk nama.

However,this issue is very subtle.You can't define the fine line between what can be perceive as racism or not.I always believe it what is said in context.If you just set out to insult and gunakan kata-kata yang sungguh menyayat hati even though kawan tu kacau pun tidak you,then I shall call it racist.But if its just a common remarks like Chinese eating pig,well, don't waste time lah.Grow up.Masuk kandang kambing, bek bek lah ye.Masuk naked buff party, hah apa lagi...ber bog lah.

Tata.

Cheating Heart

Since the start of the year,I was given this case of a woman that are troubled by her cheating husband.The fact that she is suffering from bipolar depression does not help at all.It turn out to be no one was cheating,their marriage was in trouble anyway and it has been for ages due to hubby is unable to cope with her manic episodes.His affair with another woman is a common knowledge to their friends and family but not the wife.

Note,I wasn't at all happy when I was asked to 'do' her as I never like 'marriage' problem.But after 2 weeks of 'doing' her,it become obvious that there is no 'marriage' apart from her still being legally married to him.If I understand it better,she have been living as a 'victim' of a cheat for many,many years.When I realised this,I can't help to think about the similar feeling that I still feel til now.Being cheated and how it hurts.I immediately take a huge sympathy on to her.As I do not have the obvious problem to cope mentally with cheating boyfriend but still feel like shit even after many,many years,what this woman is facing is treble blow.

The last 2 sessions with her was filled with conversation about an unfaithful personality.It may sounded bad but to really think about it,it is really not.We may all as well have one but some decided not to act on it.I am now talking about a cheating heart.

As an adult, since turning 16 until now, I only have 3 serious relationships...and honestly,while in these relationship,there was times where my cheating start to 'suggest' something naughty.I can't remember how but I had resisted it.Macam lah bagus.My relationships? The first one was cheating on me (or not,mind struggling betul lah dengan dia ni),the second one was me acting out as a victim from the first relationship and for that our relationship suffered badly and I was dumped.Served me right lah.Orang baik-baik,I pulak lah yang membuat perangai.But I should not have been in that relationship anyway as I was still 'grieving' and 'irrational'.I really regret hurting this person until now and this is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.Emm,moral of the story,tak semua orang yang kejam tu tak ada hati and perasaan.Hehehe...okay,back to track.When I was with the first one and also the second, ada jugak hati ni nak 'menggatal' dengan orang lain.The best part is when you are not single,the offer keep coming in like you are the only one on earth that matters.Banyak betul indecent proposal.I think,as part of the anxiety of feeling that you are about to be stuck to this person you're with for the rest of your life or if not,the rest of your relationship life is making you edgy.The anxiety become worst and worst when you are about to get married (ohhh...tell me about it!) and out of all the time in the world,some people seems to think that the best time to agonise whether or not to marry or not to marry their partner is a few days or few hours before tying the knot itself.

Some people (common alasan is unable to resist the will power of kegatalan semulajadi) are brave enough to follow their cheating heart.Nowadays,everybody talked about affairs as if they're normal and acceptable.But until it happens to you, you can't know the pain and the misery of it, like I couldn't eat and I want to die.And I want to kill him and her, but her first!!!

This woman talk about her husband affairs with a deep and pure hatred.Even though her case is a symptom of unbalanced chemical i.e. her marriage didn't work and husband moved on and she is still unable to cope,I can't help to feel sorry for what she is feeling.In a way,she can't comprehend the fact that she is ill and that contributes to the breakdown of her marriage but her feeling of being cheated (even when she is not) is real.

Mind you,feeling is always real.Do not dare to tell people, your feeling is not real because if you don't feel it,you won't know it.Baik apa-apa feeling pun lah.Hati orang lain-lain.I really think that people who had been cheated on is still angry even after many,many years.The most common question that will popped out over years and years is why? Why do you have to lie? Why can't you tell me the truth? I bet on the cheaters point if view,there is certain things that you can't explain especially when you started to develop a divided feelings.I should stop here as I can see myself making excuses for the cheaters.As much as I wanted to,there is still something in me that have not cured,and that is from being cheated.

I'm telling you this as this case is making me sleepless...because it is so interesting.Interesting in a way that I feel that I myself is not a right person to be on the opposite direction of the chair.I may need your help dealing with it.

Thanks for reading.

Restlessness Ramification

GAMBAR HIASAN

I have been feeling restless these past couple of days.I have not got that spare time to update my blog as much as I want to.I envy those who update theirs daily and strive to do the same in mine as blogging make my mind free.But, I terpaksalah berpijak dibumi yang nyata.There is more important things to attend to.Nak nak I kerja dengan human wellbeing. But there is a cause of my restlessness. About 3 things that I know off.FIRST is ever since the new year, I keep getting message from my GP to contact them back 'because of my health' katanya. When I called back, they asked me to attend to another blood test.That made this one the 3rd blood test in the space of 8 weeks.Sakit sangat ke I? The nurse yang mengambik my blood berbotol-botol tu keep saying 'It's alright, there is nothing to worry about'.Ye lah tu.I don't know if I'm physically or emotionally sick. I try to exercise whenever possible eg.jalan kaki instead of naik bus and naik turun tangga office (tu jelah kan yang upaya) SECOND is 3 days ago, when I discovered that my return flight ticket to KUL is missing.I search the office up and down.Tak cukup dengan cari sendiri,siap mintak Miss South Africa dengan Miss Nigeria carikan pulak.Tentatively, I booked my return flight back in the early week of March.Ni dah hilang, nak balik macam mana? That piece of paper itself cost £200 and I can't stop being angry with myself for being so pelupa to put that ticket back in the secure pouch where me and Liza kept our passports,IC and surat beranak.I was and still busy,tapi tak nak lah guna that busy excuse to excuse my pelupaness and my cuainess.

THIRD is yesterday,when I was in a meeting and received this phone call from the Mega Big Boss, apparently ada pulak manusia bangang just popped into Head Office and complaint to them that I have not been returning her call.Ceritanya macam ni,ada Makcik Italian ni, hereinafter called 'Mammamia' lah ye...dari dulu tak habis-habis tak puas hati dengan my work concerning her son.Anak dia ni paranoid schizophrenic,baru release dari MH 3 years ago and since then,rehabilitate in the unit yang I currently managing.Susahlah kan kalau orang ingat sakit macam ni boleh baik sekelip mata.Ringan aje mulut I nak bagitau si Mammamia ni yang maybe ke'stoing'an anak dia ni adalah genetic tranfference dari dia sendiri.I have been very patient with this old bitch.The whole family is a nuisance.Satu kerjalah I semalam kena summoned pergi Head Office dalam keadaan hujan renyai-renyai tu,to explain myself to this Director Of Operation.But knowlah,if you work in a Social Care,macam mana basah pun benang kena tegak kan jugak (in a sense,salah dia besar pun,I akan tetap guilty jugak...eh,betulkah terminology tu?) Tak kisah lah,as long as you know that in the end,I have to foot the blame.But let me tell you how degrading this situation can be,especially dealing with those with mental incapacity.They usually or quite often get away with insulting you to bits.Not only that they get to insult your intelligence,I have had Mammamia reduced me to feel as useless as I can imagine.I never have the liberty to talk back (as it will only make me sink as low as her...as I keep telling myself) I desperately wanted to (god knows) I keep telling people don't keep things inside, it will end up eating you.That is not wrong at all.I have been keeping the words that is meant for her and her family for the last 3 years and I just never got the chance to say it (I can though, with risk of losing my job) and it is eating me badly, in terms of stagnant anger like gunung merapi pendam gitu. But what can I do? Occupational hazard kan? I just need to find or learn another level of perseverance.

And today, I terperasan that my credit card is not in its usual pocket in my organiser.I called my office at 6pm today, suruh si Miss Nigeria tolong carikan.At the same time I dengan Liza startlah bukak my work bag,belek satu persatu.After 2 hours masih tak jumpa.In the end terpaksalah I call the Credit Card Centre buat cancellation.Satu kisah lagi ni.Nowadays, England's Financial Company tend to shift their call centre to overseas, namely India.Merasalah kalau telephone tu dijawab oleh Shah Rukh Khan or anything of his kind.Susah betul nak mengadu.I kind of suspect that they read what they said,sebabnya ayat yang dipakai berulang-ulang.Lepas half an hour on the phone,barulah disuruhnya I buat police report and give them a call back with the crime reference number.Amaaaaa....kenapa tak cakap awal-awal? Because of that, tak dapat aku concentrate tengok Celebrity Big Brother.Celaka betul.

To sum up all my commiseration,my hair have been a total 'Cyndi Lauper' lah pulak.Ikut hati nak potong pendek aje,takyah nak style-style.blow dry bagai.Major geram ni.I think once or twice in year, I will have this girly miserable moment where everything serba tak kena.It is like you open your big wardrobe that full of clothing's and said to yourself 'Ishh..I tak de baju nak pakai pergi kerja' or keep telling people that you have not got shoes when your kasut can easily robohkan your shoe rack (dek banyak nya) or sikat macam mana pun rambut and still feel like Makcik.I bet that is a perfect time to wish if you were born a man who takyah sesusah nak jaga rambut and can botakkan saja bila malas nak shampoo.Men clothing's are ever so sepesen, baik kasut or baju.Senangnya.

I have to keep telling myself that ada ramai lagi yang miserable.Mine was minor compared to them but one can't help to moan.Moaning is good however annoying to others.You have to moan if you come across negativity.I can only wish that I will feel heaps better.

Kepada yang sedang bergaduh, berbaik-baiklah ye.Saying nasty thing especially in the presence of many people with clear intention to humiliate will only make you miserable than you already are.Misunderstanding is best addressed amicably.Even if you can't come to peace,you will still have the dignity.

Entertaining Relatives

Apahal Gambar Ni?

At some occasion,this activity is fun.Depending on 'kekamcengan' you and them.To tell you the truth,I am not 'kamceng' with anyone.I may know people base on my connection with them but not necessarily on talking terms with them.It is like you know you parents have siblings.Their siblings got children that made them your cousins.You may know this uncle, aunt and their maybe 3 or 4 kids.In my case,knowing their existence is good enough.For that I know and they know that we are not suppose to hit on one another if we were to cross path,because we are related.My excuse for not knowing them to well is because I spent substantial amount of my growing up time away from my relative.I know in myself that I know them,I know their name and I know to which family they belong to.When we were kids,we were forced to shake hands but as we grow older,we just shake hands,asking things that may make us look like we care about one another (but we don't) and parted way after that.

Since I live away, my connection to my relatives in through my mother.They asked after me and I heard I want to know about them from my mother.I choose who I want to visit and keep in touch.There's a past history that made me a vindictive person.I'm not sure I still am but I rather not cross that bridge anymore.I may forgive but I don't forget easily.As I am still very much grieving over the past,it is so hard to find any spare forgiveness to ease away the relationship.

3 years ago,my very close cousin and her husband were over here doing some studies.They also managed to find time to produced baby in between books.She was the one that I hardly talk to because of,

a) She never likes me and call me sombong because I don't talk to her. (Why can't she come and talk to me if she wants to talk to me?) It is so funny kan, when people easily labelled you sombong just because you don't talk to them.To me lah, if you really want to talk to the person, approach lah dia.Jangan tunggu orang datang rumah you,because some people (like me) ada yang malas nak jalan-jalan rumah orang and kalau dah malas nak jumpa orang tu,tak adalah cerita kan? Ohh..she is so bodoh making assumption like that.Because of what she said (sombong), I pun live up to her expectation lah.I told you, I'm very vindictive, you call me sombong, oh yes..I can be doubly sombong with you.

b) She was the one who tak habis-habis berkompang sekampung about how she is about to end her single life and marry this so called perfect man.Inadvertently suggesting that my life is meaningless because tak berlaki.I tell you,tuhan punya kuasa kan.Kompang kuat sangat,her then ex fiance's was cheating on her.She married her current husband and only dapat anak after 6 years of marriage.This is the same cousin who told me that how I waste my life away pasal takde anak.Cakap besar, kau pun hampir tak beranak!!!

c) Well, her whole family is annoying anyway.This are the type of person got the chance to see Disneyland and will talk about it for the next 20 years.macam kau sorang ajelah yang duduk USA.

Nak jadikan cerita,she contacted me prior coming to the UK.Nak berbaik-baiklah.Well,that is so silap because I do not tread well on plastic build relationship.Can you imagine the situation where you know this people who never have nice things to say about you tiba-tiba nak baik-baik pulak tanya khabar bagai and hope to do more things together with you.Curiga lah kan? I can only do my usual self, hmm..hmm..hmm..okay..okay...no promises that I will participate in their anticipated rendezvous.

My life was hell when she was here.She appointed herself as my father informer (she is my paternal side family) Not only that, she always making this plan that 'involves' without asking me.In the end, she probably got tired and fed up as I simply tak layan.I never invited her to my house as my private remain my private and knowing very well that she is going to snoop on every corner of my life. Her parents came at one point and I just see then 'when I have the time'.Bukan sombong, but that is the fact.I become my own person now and they can't just ask me to drop everything to pergi mengadap them.But then, dalam hati-hati keras tu,I terkenang my mother.You tau lah orang kita,when they can't attack you, they attack you parents...Mak Bapak mana yang tak kecik hati bila orang mengata anak mereka.As a goodwill gesture,I bawak jugaklah they all pergi shopping.Celaka.Nak kasut Clarke lak tu.Beli ajelah.Still I didn't invite them to my flat.I do not have time to entertain,what good will it do if I bawak you datang rumah I? Ingatkan dah dapat kasuk Clarke 2 pasang,diamlah kan...tak jugak.A month after,I called my sister and my sister told me that the moment they all tu touch down,terus jumpa my mother and tunjuk kasut that I bought for diorang.Kompang lagi as if,ohh..your daughter bought me shoes and didn't get you any.Tak cukup dengan menghiris-hiris hati orang tua tu,ada pulak cerita yang kononnya my life in England ni macam mystery sangat sampai nobody know where I live, suggesting to my parents yang I might be hiding something.

Kenapalah tak sensitive sangat bila membuat cerita tu? I can imagine that it is not easy for any parents yang ada anak duduk kat oversea.Dah lah sebatang kara,tak tau sakit ke,cukup makan and most importantly selamat ke? Tak fikir ke perasaan orang bila sedap-sedap aje buat cerita-cerita tak betul ni? Ni lah satunya yang I tak tahan perangai orang melayu ni.Bangga sokmo dapat mencucuk jarum,dapat menyusahkan hati orang.Bukanke baik mendoakan kesejahteraan kita kat negara orang ni yang manalah tau tiba-tiba pergi kerja and bus pulak kena bomb dek terrorist?

Until they left England for good, my space remained my space.My cousin tu beranak pulak masa tengah-tengah belajar.Nak beli diapers pun susah.I kesian kadang-kadang sedekah jugak duit and barang rumah.I think masa tu lah kot my cousin yang once upon a time macam celaka ni tiba-tiba tersedar and ternampak cahaya-cahaya kebenaran.Dia tak pernah lagi mengata I lepas peristiwa tu.I think she can now live with the fact that I memang macam ni.I do what I please and I don't talk when it is not necessary for me to talk.

I don't know any of my relatives that is that nice.Maybe there are some but we have not seen each other in ages.I hope they are well.I am still what I am.Still not talking until you talk to me first.Bukan sombong it is just I'm not a good ice breaker.

Speaking of entertaining relatives,Liza's cousin came from Aberdeen recently and god,we have so much fun, in terms of makan-makan sampai koyak perut.I'm sure that there are still nice relatives somewhere in the kuak-kuak ikan tu.

To my dearest friend, Happy 41st birthday.We will have fun.

Kepada Hjh Coco Chanel,thanks for the pressie.DVD apa tu nok? Porno ke? Makji ni semenjak buat part time kelas fardu ain and mengajar muqaddam ni sibuk tak tentu arah.Mana nak layan Pakji kau lagi, haiyooh!!! Bila birthday you? Harus aku panggil stripper.

Why We Should Not Go To COMET Anymore

*It took me 4 days to finish this post.I was so busy,travelling around and only managed few hours to attend to me*

Avoid,at any cost.

Please do not think that I am a brilliant astrologer because I'm discussing COMET.In fact, I am not talking about the usual comet that shoots from the stars.Not that kind of COMET.That COMET we know in Bahasa is relatively means 'Tahi Bintang'.The COMET that I'm referring,does not mean that although there is a slight similarity,that is the COMET that I'm referring to is literally by my standard is 'Tahi' or just pure shit.In the UK (god knows if they have branches overseas) one of the biggest electrical supermarket is called COMET.Well,they sell all sorts of stuff,from the smallest nuts (those yang ada kena mengena with electrical appliances lah) to that huge American fridge.Semua ada.I too,got most of my electrical and battery operated stuff through COMET pasalnya all the goods are reasonably priced and COMET store, in my case, selalu ada depan mata.So that is murah add to my own kemalasan and equals to shopping at COMET.

I was so taken by COMET offer one day (in 2004) for a HP laptop.Okay,I bought it and plus the insurance cover which is £300 on top of the laptop price.Well you see,I hate uncertainties.The promises was so promising that if anything goes wrong,they will fix or replace it, be it accidental.Knowing that you are dealing with machine that can quite possibly playing dead as and when,having assurance from an insurance policy like that is like too good to be true.How wrong I was.

Okay,let start with this.I have a diva habit of soaking myself in a warm bath every now and again.Berfeeling buih-buih lah katakan.I sometimes spent an hour or two (matilah badan mengecut) in the bath sambil dibuai oleh saxophone Kenny G itu.What I tend to do to get all this is to carry my laptop in the bathroom and either play the music or the CD and membadak airlah sampai berjam-jam.Suatu hari yang malang (biasalah,dalam bathroom tak pakai glasses and I'm not sort of person who gila pakai contact lens nak cover kekaburan mata) tah cemana, dek nak rush jawab telephone,I terlanggar that laptop yang beautifully placed on my toilet and it went diving straight in the bath.Haduhhhhhhh....nasib baik battery operated kan? Kalau tak, Alahyarhamah Hjh Esah lah jawabnya.So,habis basah lencunlah laptop not forgetting that it is now completely damaged.

I taklah pulak menangisi pemergian laptop tu kealam baqa pasalnya at the back of my head I knew that I bought an insurance that would cover almost everything under the sun (unless dicuri dek orang bunian) So,I went to COMET, explain my circumstances and wait.As I dah ada desktop prior to that laptop,I wasn't fussing much about my access to computer.They would usually offer a loan laptop,but at that time tak berkenan pulak kat laptop yang macam rupa briefcase zaman dedolu tu and so I refused it and leave it at that.That COMET man said I may have to wait 6 to 8 weeks, procedure mocedure bagai.Okaylah.Before I knew it,my mind keep picturing the hassle without a laptop.I was travelling in and out the country a lot at that time and I can't live without Internet connection.This COMET man talked me into buying a new laptop and convinced me that when I get my replacement brand new laptop,I can just flog it.I stupidly agreed.In fact in the end I did not regret that as the new laptop only being replaced 6 months after,that is after I COMPLAINT big time to so many people.

After 2 weeks from the day I handed the laptop to COMET,I was called by some woman saying that I have to come to pick up my damaged laptop and send it to another COMET branch that is in charge of dealing with all item that is in need of repairing.Surprised jugak.I was told before (masa I was talked into buying the 2nd laptop tu) that my laptop is beyond repair and I will get a new one as my insurance covers accidental damaged.I went.I made it very clear to the Manager that I am not at all happy,the fact that I was called after 2 weeks only to be told that I have to do all the work that supposed to be their.Hey,I paid £300 to get the service and now you ask me to make arrangement myself?! I was adamant that I do not want anything to do with ferrying the laptop around across London for it to be fixed/replaced.Takut betul si Paria tu kena hamun dengan I.After a month,tak jugak dengar berita from COMET.I call and check.Fashionably, I was passed on from one to another,from customer service to repairs to claims and to some Paria who is so bangang.The Paria asked me to write a letter to the claims department,of which I did.I waited.After a month and no phone call from them,I call again.They have a cheek to ask if I use a recorded delivery on the letter I sent,pasalnya letters can go missing.Bodohnya pergi promote ketidak efficientnan COMET company.Malas nak berpanjang-panjangan,I wrote another letter and this time hantar pakai recorded delivery,and this time no one can say suratku dimakan oleh Lochness monster.Nothing.No communications whatsoever from COMET for a month.I call again.I was passed on to this seemingly hard nosed bitch that dengan tidak berperasaannya terus cakap,yang my laptop can't be replaced because the damaged is caused by neglect.What?! After 3 months baru nak bagi verdict yang the damage is caused by act of neglect?! I tried reason out.She repeated what she said berulang kali.Robot kot dia.Knowing that I will not get anywhere with COMET that is now want to lepas tangan,I hanged up the phone.Dalam hati, there goes my £900 worth of laptop (masa tu laptop mahal you..) I was so angry with myself,at that time don't know for what.After a week,I baca balik the insurance policy.Then I terbaca the clause that if I'm not happy with the service, I can make a complaint to so and so and this party are a neutral to both me and that shit COMET.Tanpa membuang masa,I contacted this Financial Ombudsman company and speak to one of their legal adviser...making my point non-stop.Something like...how can COMET determine what is accidental and what is neglect.When they feel like it? Something like,if you're using your laptop and need to attend to some nature call and your baby come crawling and unload his/her muntah susu,is that a neglect? Some babies are like Matrix....the moment you pandang kat lain,tiba-tiba your baby got something in his/her mouth...is it fair to say that you neglect your baby? And wherever you decide to use your laptop is up to you kan? Ada tak clause belakang kotak laptop tu cakap, Do Not Use Your Laptop Around Your Babies,Only Use Your Laptop In A Very Secure Unit Where Accident In Preventable....cam jahanam aje.

On top of having to report my misery about COMET verbally, I wrote this company a letter as well. Obviously after what happened with COMET,I attached a recorded delivery note so that no one can say that they mishandled my letter.To me that time,apa nak jadi jadilah kan...and will learn from my mistake...shopping things in COMET that is.

After 4 weeks,I got a letter from COMET,without an apology, they gave me a store credit that means I can walk in any COMET store anytime to pick up a brand new laptop at the same price range.I went to COMET on the same day.The same COMET that failed me.I deliberately gave the Manager a smirk look so that he knows that I have won.

In the end,I now have 2 laptop and 1 desktop in a household.My flatmates are not into computer that much but after dah terlebih-lebih ni,computers are everywhere in the house.I refrain from going to COMET after that incident.Rasa nak bomb aje COMET tu.In fact many people face similar problems.They were talked into buying the insurance policy that will replace the product no matter what. The fact is,NO.They will try to dispute at every opportunity.Macam Jose Maurinho.Semua salah,referee salah,orang ni diving,orang tu foul.

Quite recently,like 2 days ago,I went browsing for wireless router.I come across a very good deal from COMET.A Belkin router for £19.99 when the usual price is £49.99,tak pikir panjang,I terus beli.At the back of my head,not wanting to give COMET the benefit of a doubt,this is just a product happen to be on sale in that bloody COMET.This time I will not be talking into buying any insurance policy.Cukuplah dengan 1 year manufacture warranty.Lepas tu kalau dia nak rosak,rosaklah.Machine is like human (or human are like machine?) Life is full of uncertainty kan? Tawakkal ajelah.

I tried painstaking to set up the router.Tak jalan-jalan pun.I called the manufacturer,they briefed me through.Masih tak jalan.In the end,they decided that router is faulty and advise me to take it back to COMET.I did.I walked into COMET and told the cashier girl that I'm returning this thing because it is faulty.She went, 'Oh, let me check our return policy...now that this item is faulty'.Well,sekejap aje hati I naik temperature and asked her back what does she mean by that.She gave me the usual COMET bullshit speech of return policy.Aikk..bangangkah aku?

Excuse me,no offence yeah.I bought this thing yesterday and now the manufacturer told me to take it to the shop where I bough it and that is why I am here. (Ohh,you have to make your claim through BELKIN) What? I bought this thing of you.You sold a faulty stuff.That is between you and BELKIN.Don't tell me that I have to go all the way to the factory and claim a new router just because you refuse to take responsibility as a seller.You are the one who sell faulty stuff.I suggest you do your work with your vendor.Not me.(No answer,perhaps now seeing sense that they are being fucking ridiculous)

I got my money back and extra confident and confirmation that COMET is just shit.

Another Melt Down

There is this channel that keep playing the old episodes of Sex In The City back to back and one after another.This is just great for someone who has autistic tendency like me,in a sense of suka tengok benda berkali-kali.Care to ask how many time I have watched sitcom 'Friends',movies like Forrest Gump,While You're Sleeping and GIA? Sungguh memalukan,but itulah reality nya.Nampak sangat takde life kan?

Apparently they were showing the episode where Miranda was about to give birth to baby Brady and inadvertantly spoiled Carrie's very expensive shoe that she wore on her last date with Big.While some people loves the sex,scandals and others suggestive innuendos,what really interest me in this series was Big and Carrie relationship.I believed we all know what happened in the end when they both eventually be together.I have always like the complications.You can see from the start that there is this infectious attraction between them.I was happy when the thing with Aidan didn't work out.She has always fancy Big.Something of Big that isn't available in anyone else.What was it wasn't precisely explained but you can see why Big was very different from the men that dated Carrie.He is somewhat special, in between those bad antics and only Carrie can see the special side of him.

I often think that my first boyfriend and Big were similar.He was this man that keep breaking my heart but still the one that once I was so in love with.Honestly,when my head goes idle,I think about him.There was a time when there's nothing in my head but him and I think of him stronger.People say that if you have this very strong inkling about somone,there is a great possibility of that someone is also thinking about you.That maybe explain yesterday's email. In this case,what people say seems very true to me.People that I think about strongly often does thinking about me. My available proof is Frankie.When I was in Germany and suddenly feel very sad,at the other end of England, someone was very tearfully missing me.

It is so unbelievably scarry that you seems to have a strong 'thing' for those who have the tendency to hurt your feeling. I do. Nak kata gila,its look like an emotional adventure. To see how far your dignity can withstand the stupidity. From what you have read, my love life could appear to be in tatters.Not forgetting the fact that I am also capable of becoming a drama queen,those emotional abuse (if appears to be based on my over melodramatic picturesque of our run ins) but can you still see why many people still return/stay on with their abusive ex? In many of my counselling session,the victims usually honestly admitted that part of the reason why are they still with their monsters is because they can't face starting over again with a new person.They said that they know the partner too well and often making excuse for them,reasoning out their abusive behaviour and those abuse is merely their abuser's way of showing their 'excessive' love.To much love can kill kan? Macam tu lah. Macam mana teruk kena pelangkung pun,majority the the pelangkungee will take back the pelangkunger.The easy explanation for them is probably is better the devil they know than a new devil.

This girl back in Subang Jaya I know, was raped by her dad.Eventually he was jailed for 20 years.This girl move on and married a very nice man.She told me how her mother loathed her for 'damaging' their family and vow to take him back whenever he is release from jail.Celaka kan? But that is cruelly stupid.Bad enough you were mentally abused by the sick betrayal (hubby ploughing about) and the fact that the other woman is your own daughter,how can you even think to take him back? Kalau aku, buat vodoo je, bagi mati terus.

But again,human feelings is hard to question and judge.I think the reason why we endure it is because the hurt doesn't involves anyone but ourselves.I told Frankie (konon marahlah..nak bagi ultimatum) of how I now feel very uneasy of selalu sangat kena suruh keluar rumah if we argue. I feel very distant and I'm scared. Scared that this might be a permanent damage that eventually can't be fix. We did this psychological test and the result turned up to be that I am a lot nicer.Frankie cakap kat I test result dia sungguhlah memalukan and now dia ingat because of perangai buruknya tu,it brought up the worst in me...(sambil nengyatimah).Pasal tu I pun jadi berperangai jugak.

Emmmm.......ye ke? Ye lah kot.And my hati cair lah untuk kesekian kali nya.