Shut Up and Let Me Drive...

Makji Esah & Baby Sam Yang Dah Semakin Mengada-Ngada

Current location, Alton - Hampshire. How did I get to the meeting today? I didn't get enough sleep, so I slept through my mobile phone alarm.By the time my eyes really opened, dah pukul 7.30am. I was so late!!! I should be at the train station by 8.00am, knowing that the morning rush,I planned my journey early.I must be on that platform 9 Clapham Junction by 8.30am. How to be at Clapham Junction at 8.30am when 7.30am still tak mandi?

My boss have this thing about punctuality.I have always tried to be early.9 out of 10 I succeeded so I am still in her good book.Having left with no other choice, I have to pinjam MB's car. Ni yang leceh ni. When I was summoned to Croydon recently, I borrowed her car and my boss, thinking that the car is mine, thought that the company must have been paying me mint. 'Eh, bukan kereta I laa....I takde kereta, I ada Oyster Card aje'.

I remember when I first pick Capt Lukman up driving MB's car. 'Amboiii..Makji, kereta khelasss githooo'.Sorry dik, bukan kereta I.

I arrived Hampshire on time and nah!!! The entire meeting attendee's saw me driving the car. And it's me have to do the 'bukan kereta I laaa' over again.

Okay....what's with the community and car? Especially kereta-kereta yang berbangsa taknak kalah macam kereta MB ni?

When MB bought the car, although much to my dismay, I can foresee habislah kita nanti kena pandang Mat Mat Pak* yang berkereta bagak-bagak.Talking about men and their machine.My idea about Asians boys in their mean machine is always...ye la, korang boley la beli kereta memahal,dah tua bagak masih dok menumpang rumah makbapak, 3 bedroomed house populated my atuk nenek, amma, appa, anne, akka....and sewa tak yah bayar.So, bolehlah kau beli BM,Merce,Jag ke dengan sonang baitu kan?

I got lots and lots of stare from the bangang onlookers.Kalau pandang I takpelah jugak...ni pandang kereta, pastu pandang I and pastu pandang kereta balik.Wah..tak chantekk ke I ni?

Our meeting was supposed to start at 10am but the 1st 15 minutes, I pulak kena buat presentation on how good it is to drive that car.Aiyaa...6 gear meh? Is it all automatic? How is the petrol consumption? Got immobilliser?

Aiyooo....don't ask me that.When come to a car, I'm just a pure woman who just syaddap and drive, drive,drive!!!! (Plus kena pastikan minyak sentiasa cukup)

I am so certain that when I was living in KL, I was a victim of the criminal mechanic.Ni kena tukar, tu kena tukar....

Having men around (I'm talking father, brother and car mad male cousins) pun takleh pakai juga. They are very sensitive with the tinniest sound and mulalah start panic.Macam kereta tu nak mati masa-masa tu jugak.Sometimes, do you not just wish men share same attitude to their car (being neurotically observant) as to you? Jangan harap la....

MB was driving a mini...that suites her (really) and less pretentious. The only problem was nak hangkut barang. I remember picking up Abg Dale from his relatives house in Bayswater and as my kaki pun panjang, I had to sit like that David Schwimmer giraffe in that movie Madagascar.That incident is enough indication for her to look for another machine.But MB, in our years of friendship....masih tak mau kalah, walaupun kadang-kadang poket dah parah!!!

Beli kereta kat UK bukan macam beli kereta kat Pusat Edaran Proton yang macam puaka tu. The salesman will encourage you to fabricate your payslips and formed a very unhealthy relationship with the local bank.The local bank (in Malaysia) loves debtors, whereas in the UK, they try to minimise the possibility of one growing into one.

What I still cannot fathom, people still buy car after clearly knowing that they are paying for the price of two.Car dealer will give you the bank brochure (do not let me start on pinjaman al Wadiah..al-al all that al yang penipu penyangak tu)

But what is my point? I don't have a point. I'm just moaning.I have to go to Colchester tomorrow and will soon find out how Essex people say about the car.

Updates

My last update was on the 21st. Today is the 30th. Okaylah tu....not like as if bulan ni update pastu bulan 5 baru muncul kan? Aiyaaa..kasihanilah daku...the last 2 weeks was so eventful dengan orang tu mati la, orang ni mati la...being half-Indonesian myself, I must join my fellow countrymen/women mourning for Pak Suharto although I doubt my mother yang soheh-soheh Indonesian tu give a hoot about him.

Then came Heath Ledger. Tak tau lah nak cakap apa...died of natural causes eventually. It is hard to comment on whether I should judge him on the drug issue or should I pity his broken heart plight. I may identify the bit where 'merana can kill'. Aku pun merana jua,tapi takdelah sampai nak hisap dadah what not.But departed soul always leave to be at the better place. So, selamat pergi lah kepada yang dah pergi tu.

Where was I? I was in Wales big chunk of the time. I was asked to be part of the transition team. It is either that or lepaking kat rumah. You see, my boss wanted to sign me off. A patient had terrorised me until CEO got to summoned me to Head Office. I had wanted to leave. Boss got worried and asked me to rest. Why didn't I take that offer?

What good will it do to do nothing at home? I wanted to go back to KL but me and MB's was making this plan and because of that I got to be very careful spending my money just in case I need it. I increased my visit to my therapist. In the end, it got me so angry because there was one session where the moment my jacksie hit the couch, I switched into Neng Yatimah's mode until the 40 minutes timer beeps. Until today I wonder why was I so sad that day. Was it the problems or the fact that I wasted £35 for nothing...(crying in the whole session...pastu kena bayar £35...words of the kedekut)

My relationship with orang itu take turn for the worst. To say the least.

To take my mind off things, I agreed to travel and by travelling, I am unable to make myself available to you.But the honest truth is that, my mind and my heart is not in the right place at the moment.But now I'm updating my blog. This must mean something.

I returned to London couple of days ago.To my beloved laptop (kenapa aku tak bawak laptop tu jalan sekali?) But for the next 3,4 days, I have to attend meetings everywhere....Hampshire, Colchester and Manchester.

If you must know, Siamang died last week. Brain tumour. That explains his persistence to keep in touch.

I don't know what to say for now. I guess, this is what I have always wanted.A perfect closure.

Speak soon.

Updates

Disebabkan I bukanlah penulis laman blog yang fofuler..(although..I quite like to feel that I am sometimes...kasilah aku chance syok sendiri naa?) I just don't feel the urge to update, given my latest circumstances.

When was my last post? Yepp...few days after Spice Girls concert. I'm bad at giving review sebab semuanya nanti berat sebelah. Orang kata tak best, aku kata...wuiyoooo!!! But I really have to give them 4 thumbs up...termasuklah ibu jari kaki. The fact is that,

a) Yes, individually, they all can sing but being a band, they sounded much much better as a group. I have always like Mel C. Walaupun suatu ketika dahulu dia debab dan bertatto sana-sini. If I am being honest, Baby Spice sounded better than the rest that night. Scarry live up to her name...dah le suara macam hon kapal tangki, Mel B danced provocatively thoroughout the night...sakit betul mata Makji ni memandang. Posh gets the most cheers and applaud. Ginger tak habis-habis girl power, girl power. Apa yang power pun tatau. And yess, masing-masing datang bawak anak and show them off to the audience while singing 'Mama'. Some years ago, creative people in Astro played this song and change the lyric to 'Mamak...teh ais satu.....Mamak toseyyyyy.....

b) They all sing live....takde pun miming. They dance pretty well too.

c) Nope. David Beckham is not there....I honestly can't see why he should, nanti takde orang nak tengok Spice Girl.

The Spice Girl concert ticket is a present from my partner. Lepas concert, we all bergaduh besar sangat sampai I keluar rumah tak balik-balik sampai sekarang...eh, tidak. I balik semalam...pasal dah takde baju. (Moral dari kejadian ini? Lain kali kalau nak lari, bungkus baju cukup-cukup tau) We only started talking 3,4 days ago.

My office mates pay for my ticket to see 'Mamma Mia'. All I can say is that, if you ever come to London, you must never miss this.It worth every penny.Money well spent...walaupun aku tak bayar habuk pun.

Walaupun hati gumbira dapat tengok Spice Girl & Mamma Mia, setan yang bermastautin dalam badan ku ini memanglah takleh duduk diam. I deliberately called Makji Eton during the show. Both Spice Girl & Mamma Mia. But bila I visit dia recently, rasa menyesal pulak buat menda-menda terkutuk tu. Tak baik sungguh I buat dia sengsara dalam kegigihan dia menternak arnab tu. But I'm sure he will soon return the favour...bila dia berhuha sakan kat Concert Celine Dion. Masa tu lah aku akan tahu langit tu tinggi ke rendah.

Today I read about that Judge/Lawyer, who was captured in that video clip hapa benda tu. Is this the new thing....buat video-video ni? What ticked me is when he claimed 'rupa macam saya, suara macam saya...tapi itu bukan saya'.

Without breaking confidentiality, couple of years ago, one of my patient that suffers from OCD plus dia ni adalah ngiow sikit-sikit. Besides her unfortunate illness, as a person she is blessed with sifat-sifat puaka semulajadi yang lain. Because of I work with this lot, it is not diificult to tell who is manipulative and how they use they 'disability' to get away with thing. One of which adalah satu keluarga berahak Italian ni...boleh tak nak bayar bill api air bagai atas sebab-sebab 'Oh...he have disability, he shouldn't pay'. Kepala hatuk hang....

This young lady, bless her soul...reported to us duit dia hilang. Ada orang curi dari bank dia katanya. The panel of investigation pun kenalah investigate, because she is living in care, people around her is so vulnerable. As much as we think the disabled is vulnerable to others, orang yang macam kita ni boleh sedap-sedap je jadi mangsa kena tuduh.Yang kadang-kadang jadi sakit hati tu, dah terang-terang sipuaka ni menipu pun tak boleh kena salahkan juga.Kunun nya la, the system have to protect the 'vulnerable' one. These are the type of people yang gi tempeleng the civillians pastu court bagi lepas pasal diminished responsibilities or temporary insanity. And orang macam aku ni lah yang bekerja cam nak mampus memprotect si celaka-celaka ni (hamboi mulut ku...kerja tak ikhlas kan aku ni?)

Cut the long story short (believe me, the investigation lasted 6 months with this lady changing her story every time we asked aboout her events recollections) after trips to banks and police station, thorough interviews plus reconstructions of events in the hope to jog her memory (more like to prove to the investigation panel yang si Haram Jadah ni menipu) we have to proposed to her Social Services to close the case, simply because there is no lead to follow and no evidence. I was the one who presented the report to her Care Management that time and remember reading all the investigations reports to the panel. This is what she answer every time we asked about the missing money...

1. The first time, she reckoned that her support have taken it from her bank. When we asked, how can anybody else have access to your bank when you're the one with pin and the card, she jawab 'I don't know'.

2. I think this is during the 2nd interview, we show her the bank statement, evidencing that money was taken out at sekian-sekian time and card number and with her movement diaries shows that she was actually in that area, dia jawab 'Somebody that look like me, same name with my card have taken my money'. Eh...familar kan dengan kes Lingham tu...siapa tiru siapa hah?

3. In one interview, ada ka dia pi cakap...dia hilang ingatan pasal orang pukul dia. Cisssss.....selective memory defect sungguh kan?

4. Ni lagi kelasssss.....katanya dia melanggan pelacur. So duit nya konon dibawak lari oleh jantan brengsek itu la....(But I actually was thinking otherwise like..hoi..ada ke jantan yang lalu tengok muka kau tu? Jahat tak I?) Bila kita tanya mana dia dapat pelacur ni...kat phone booth ke or apa-apa ke, she jawab...masa dia dok berjalan-jalan kat tepi River Thames, pelacorrr jantan tu terus datang offer service...(apasal bila aku gi tepi sungai takde pun pelacor datang approach I? Tak chantekk ke I?)

Kesimpulannya, walaupun cerita I ni takde pun melibatkan orang-orang politik or Royal family, I can understand that some of us just don't have the capacity to lie because they simply just can't. They tried hard, obviously unconvincing pun. My patient is blessed with IQ below 70 and if she come up with benda tak masuk akal, you can excuse her limited intelligence.Si Lingham ni kunun nya bijak bestari gitu, awat la dia bangang gi bagi alasan tu? This is already 2008, people don't do Edry & Linda anymore.

While here you can understand banyak nya body double and people can actually make a living posing as a celebrity, siapalah nak jadi dead ringer Lingham tu?

Have a nice day you all.

p/s - Makji Eton, selamat nonton Suster Ngesot ya!!!! Buka mata batin mu.
p/s - Yatie, I've been wanting to say this for long now but deepest condolences to you and your family on your mom's passing. Semoga tabah.
p/s - All my fellow Capricorn, Happy Birthday
p/s - Kepada orang itu, kalau nak update blog, update je lah.Takyah lah nak buat-buat rajin kunun nya takut kena maki dengan aku...(plus I really think you should call Ustazah Munah)

Entry Malas

Bebudak Pompuan Ni Semua Tak Reti Nak Duduk, Berjoget Macam Nak Rak, Susah Makji Yang Sakit Pinggang ni Nak Tengok Mel C Nyanyi...Cisss

The O2 Arena Entrance

The Birthday Present

Tu aje you all. Kepala tengah pusing memikirkan masalah Mary J Blige yang dah makin teruk ni...tak boleh nak menaip panjang-panjang. Bye For Now.And kepada Makji Eton, nantikanlah kedatangan kamek ya...bersama-sama kita memakan karipap.

Kisah Mary J Blige

This is the situation.

Mary J Blige was doing okay. Career, finance and so forth. Mary J Blige think that for now (after a long,long time) she should be on her own and start to concentrate solely on her life. But Mary J Blige dalam tak nak tak nak nak involve romantically and emotionally dengan orang, in the end become fond of someone. Someone that ticked if not all, some essential boxes. Ni cerita 6 tahun dulu. Azman Adnan & that Feminin girl tu pun belumlah mekar berkembang macam kuih bom berbijan tu.

Mary J Blige thought she is happy although nobody think so.Mary J Blige knew from the start that nothing is compatible.It is just a pure infatuation.Convinced that it is a right thing to do, Mary J Blige decided to take things further despite her best friend Beyonce (nama tak nak kalah!!!) mild protest. There is other reasons however, Mary J Blige feel that apart from THAT reason, the feelings is pure.

Campur tolak bahagi darab, Mary J Blige have been in this relationship for 6 years and lately ni, Mary J Blige has started thinking and making sense of lots of things.Mary J Blige realised that they both wanted different things and have other intention in life. While Mary J Blige masih nak active buat concert serata donia, orang itu hanya nak dok berkepit tengok bukit bukau and laut.

Mary J Blige and orang itu moved in together. Banyak buruk dari baik nya. Mak Bapak Mary J Blige tak leh nak telepon, sebab nanti diorang tanya 'Eh siapa tu?' and kengkawan Mary J Blige yang lain macam Rihanna, Madonna, Celine Dion tak boleh nak datang tanya khabar or makan karipap. Last week, ada sorang cousin mai jauh dari USA datang nak jumpa Mary J Blige and bawak hajat penting. Orang itu cakap, boleh jumpa tapi jangan buat apa-apa commitment dengan your family.Your family now is me.Kata orang itu.Sakit hati Mary J Blige.

Sekarang ni, benda yang kecik-kecik yang before this boleh dibuat taktahu aje dah mula nak menyakitkan hati Mary J Blige ditahap maksima.Mary J Blige rasa macam dah fed up tapi bila Mary J Blige pikir-pikir balik, Mary J Blige rasa kesian.But people say, don't build your feelings base on that.

Apakah yang patut Mary J Blige buat?

I Tell You What I Want, What I Really,Really Want

It's my birthday today. I want to take a day off work and I will, soon. I shall leave the opis by 11am and dissapear terus tomorrow. But I have a very important meeting on Wednesday and I need to get my report ready.Definitely I will be working from home today. So kesimpulannya, memang takde makna lah nak ambik chotti pun hari ni...

Thank you for all the wishes, jauh dekat...dalam shout box, dalam mobile phone and dalam blog. Me getting older only bothers my father (and maybe, mother too) At this age, I should have laki and anak. What can I say, Raja Nazrin picked that Wan Zaleha like for a wife...the kaya, mostly good looking and macho man are taken however still available if I am willing to play their 'kayu' game. Tak kuasa kan? BTW, kesian kan, Wan Zaleha dicopet begituk skalik!!!!

Normally on my birthday, the birthday wish that I await the most is from my father. There's a story behind it. My father remember all his children date of birth. Nasib baik anak tak 20 orang kan...he knows whose born in January to December. He is very good with that thing. He diarised it. However, he has the habit of mixing the dates. Couple of years ago, he called one of my sisters on this date, wishing her 'Happy Birthday'. Her certainly got the date right but unfortunately, wrong child. He called my brother on my mom's birthday. Being his docile children, we never pointed out this mistakes to him....respect punya pasal, plus my father doen not take critisism from his own child gracefully.Respect, respect pun we sure mengumpat about him when we meet up and bergelak-gelakan HA HA HA!!!!

I honestly thought that by now, my parents sure is tired with worry. Sudah-sudah la...if I may say.But who can blame them? I think, to put my parents mind at rest,I need to tell them worried sick parents that it is a blessing that anak dia nan sorang ni tak beranak and tak berlaki until now. By not having any of those....

Maka tak kan adalah anak-anak or laki terbiar tak dibagi makan....I don't feed myself well, constipated even all motion inside my usus besar dah calcified into stone. Let it be me who suffer.

Maka tak kan adalah anak-anak yang lebam pipinya ditampar oleh mak yang takde perikemanusiaan. Ingat...kalau mak nak tidur, mak misti tidur. Mak tak kuasa nak menjaga anak-anak yang tak reti tidur malam pastu menangis sorang diri dalam baby cot mintak didukung. Pigi dah!!! (Kejam kan?)

Maka tak kan adalah laki yang akan bercakap dengan dinding or worse still, didn't realise yang dia tu berbini, because ada bini pun macam takde.

After all this years, I am not anywhere near a marriage material.I wish I can tell my relatives a.k.a. agency cari jodoh tak bergaji that.

The only thing that bothers me after reaching this age is that, I still find it difficult to compromise. I'm too set in my own ways that nothing can make me see otherwise unless I'm willing to.

My partner bought me a marvellous gift, enough to make me menangis terharu. Tapi, sik da lah kamek nak ghun-ghun serabak kedak mati laki ya..nak Lizs, Stephen? I have been trying all sort to get it and tak dapat-dapat.What F did was to ask me to clear my diary on the 8th and make sure that I'm not working after 5pm.We were not talking at that time (macam celaka, lepas Xmas gaduh besar!!!) I said the most horrible thing after we argue...'Fu*k off my life for good'. Boleh kau?

When I was given the present last Saturday, I feel so terharu (but still takdelah nak keluar ayaq mata ke hapa) Someone actually notice my plight and dalam diam-diam, made arangement to get something that I'm certain,cost a bomb.

What I really,really want is to be a nicer person and a loving partner. Life together can be tricky especially for someone who is not use to all this 'togetherness'.Wish me luck.

***Tapi kan, orang ittew boleh warning I siap-siap, katanya kalau I buat perangai macam budak 9 tahun kat O2 Arena tu, dia akan tarik I balik rumah serta-merta!!! Macam mana hati ku tak sakit?***

On My Tod

36 year old man. Divorced. Emotionally dead. Once upon a time, he was a lawyer in the City. 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar MD. He had a breakdown and gave up work. He is now on the 'system' and on the mend.

Different from my usual users, he is conscious. Because of that, he is in denial. Ataupun bahasa kasarnya, tak nak mengaku dia sakit. I have been reading his case for 2 months before agreeing with my supervisor to take him on my list. I was anxious, because before all this, he is a lawyer. I am not an expert but being a law student once (and tak pass!!!) I have a substantial idea of what they are like.

They're passionate, they're defensive and they're not easily likeable but like pasta, once softened, they will go with anything.Curry sauce, bolognese...just name it.Even with just plain mayonnaise.But please if I may defend their character, it is not them...it is the job. The job requirement made them who they are.But believe me, although hardened, my lawyer friends, are mostly sensitive soul.Like this man.

7, 8 years ago, I started to feel that is something not right in me. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I want and why I do things. I hold several jobs, I go home and do all the mundane thing. There is nothing distinctive about it. I realised that I don't know myself at all.7,8 years ago, I don't think my soul exists.

The only thing that I remember in my past is the man that broke my heart.

I am not sure what I am trying to tell here. What is the similarity between this man and me. His attitude triggered something I certainly wish had never existed in me.

My supervisor said that it is culture. We believe in things that we somewhat realised is not true. But we just never challenged it. This still doesn't make sense.

When we got angry,we often think that others are all set to emotionally persecute us. We hated it when people disagree and did not empathy.Because we believe we got a good reason to get angry.

This man refused to admit that he is angry at himself. I must try to tell him that in order to see sense of our trouble, we must first understand what the trouble is. And the trouble is, he is so defensive.

We often read about people who hated their parents, simply because of some mistakes. We also read about politician or wannabe politician who hates the guts of the others who see things differently from them. And this is the same people who wants things to be better. How can it be better when emotionally, you feel attacked?

That is how I was (maybe still am) and that is why, it is hard to be happy.Because when you are, you will find a way to make yourself unhappy again.By choice.

Still doesn't make sense. I guess, what I am trying to say is that, if we are unhappy, it is because we allow ourselves to be. Like, marah kat laki tak nak beli roti canai pastu ugut nak jadi lesbian kan? There's always a choice of, beli aje lah sendiri or mintak belas kasihan kat kawan-kawan or, jangan makan sangat roti canai, nanti naik kolestrol.Bila debab, siapa yang susah hati? Kau jugak kan?

The Road Less Travelled

I was so engrossed on work, I forgot that London Transport operates on Sunday Service time on New Years day. That mean bus,tube and train will run like sejam satu. Believe me, you do not want to wait at the bust stop/platform that long in this weather.So I decided to sleep in the opis.

What the hell was I working on New Years day? My work problems doesn't identify bank holidays. In fact, work problems balloned up during holidays. One can decide to kill oneself on Xmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day. Any moment can be a distressing one, which ever way the wind blows.

For someone who can be very much affected emotionally, I can only function when my mood is okay.Mood affect work.Work affect people. I have to be extra careful.Like this one.

Someone rang to wish me Happy New Year late last night, all the way from KL. She also told me that she decided to leave her husband. She just can't find it in her heart to love him anymore.

This friend of mine, we go back a long way. From boarding school. We were not that close at school but we happened to study in the same university in the UK. But still not close. Well, knowing me, I can't get close to anyone because I just don't know how to. Friendship need commitment. You need to call, write, visit and what ever necessary to show them that you exist and make them feel that they exist. I do this once in the blue moon and by the time the next blue moon approaches, my friend probably forgotten who am I.

This friend of mine will email me every 3 months just to check out how I get on in a very unintrusive manner. We got on well, electronically.

Last year she discovered that her husband main kayu 3 behind her back. With his secretary. She wrote about how she wasn't shock of the discovery because her intuition as a wife are so strong that she feels husband mind are elsewhere most of the times. She were just waiting for him to come clean. He didn't. He keep up the act for about a year until nature runs it course. Rahsia terbukak depan mata.

Being a woman, she worried about her kids and her family reaction. She kept this quiet. Husband said sorry and of course, the jantan, like any other middle class man with plenty to lose if this goes out of hand, decided to discontinue his 'mid life crisis' fuelled affair. Like any other man, he react like nothing happened.

I never offered her comforting words during her turmoil. I don't feel that she needed it. I keep telling her to look after herself and to do what she think best for her and her kids.

We never talk about her problems after that. She shut herself off from the outside world. I noticed this and tell her to take her time to grieve properly. Why grieving? For the lost of trust and maybe love, I told her.

She rang me. Holding back tears, she said that she will tell him that she is leaving him. She's done the grieving and need to move on.

My first word of comfort is 'be strong'. She cried when I said that. Because she was crying a lot, I asked her to ring me when she ready to talk (if she needs to talk) I somehow know that she is worried about the kids.

After 24 hours, she still didn't call. I decided to email.

You can't plan for all this to happen. It takes courage to decide what you just decided. If it feels right, just follow your heart. What ever the consequences will be is something that you need to look forward to. You have to trust your judgement and learn to live with it. It might not be nice but it is something that will make you stronger and possibly, happier than you are now.

My thoughts are with you.

(And kepada jantan puaka laki kau yang tak sedar dek untung tu, biarlah dia menangis menjilat lantai...padan muka nya!!! Make sure you take him down to the cleaners)


****This was written on the 2nd of January. My other work commitments made it impossible for me to finish it on time. But what the heck.****

New 'Book Face' Year

Happy New Year you all....just to let you know that I'm in the opis. I am very excited inverted coma for my days ahead. I'll be seeing my pesakit mental, well, I actually see them everyday, but, I'll be seeing them resuming our usual boring 40 minutes chat this Friday.

Apart from getting a year older, I'm quite excited about the possibility of getting Elizabeth Regina II travel document, kalaulah application ku diperkenankan. Bukannya apa, senang nak berjalan and luaslah opportunity.But, I'm still happy with my little red riding book that I paid $300 for yang banyak berjasa, walaupun kadangkala menimbulkan syak wasangka bila ku tiba di Immigration Control, dimana jua.

I thought about berhenti mengumpat...but refraining yourself from that kind of oral gratification, macam smoking, memerlukan will power.I don't have will power.The picture of gunting cutting the tongue into half still doesn't deter me. If that didn't work, what will? Kalau orang tak suka, I can always switch to private blog, mengumpat untuk kepuasan diri sendiri. But private or public, I mengumpat pun untuk kepuasan diri sendiri juga. So, kita tidak berhak untuk menyekat kepuasan diri sendiri kan?

Late last year (2007) my friend emailed me the invitation to join 'Facebook'. I heard about Facebook for a while but sombongbongkak people like me, can't see any way can I benefit from it. But siPolan kawanku ini, 'Eh..masuk la..I nak tunjuk you gambar baby I'...dua tiga ratus kali pujuk, and I pun, okaylah..aku create lah account.From there, barulah ku tahu apa benda Facebook ni and what it actually do.

I become excited. I look for names that I can possibly think of....and within 3 days, I am now in touch with kawan sekolah rendah la...kawan sekolah menengah la....sedara la....scandal la....(ko punya pasal la ni Elviza)

The discovery of the 2 or maybe more, cukup membuatkan diriku ini berak batu. This sedara of mine....we grew up next to each other big chunk of the time, but because her family tak yah travel for work, they stayed at the same place. When we were little, we only met during raya or kenduri.She, being the youngest in her family are blessed with mulut PokPek yang juga capable untuk mengeluarkan kata-kata puaka. They are so kaya they traveled overseas every school holidays. Most of my cousins did...because their parents are well off than mine. My father is only askar. My father always said, nevermind, they can go holidays overseas, you study hard one day, you will live abroad. Masin mulut bapak ku. I flew to UK and my sister went to Arizona. Holiday bertahun ditaja dek MARA and JPA.

We are not that close,because of her family wealth and my father's resistant to mingle with orang kaya bisness berjuta. My father's excuse of not being a wealthy businessmans like his ipar duai is that he always said, kita duit tak banyak..tapi kita pandai sekolah..bla..bla..bla... (did I not tell you my father studied in MCKK?) But I do know that dalam ketidak ke'close'an kami ni, si orang itu masih active menanya apa activity harian ku. Ala..ala tak ndak kalah githoo....but still, I know there are no genuine interest nak bertanya khabar relatively speaking. Just nak tahu org tu buat apa...oh..ye ke...things like that.

But since I become a jetseter, Singapore today, Jakarta tomorrow, Melbourne the next day and tooopppp!!! London, barulah genuine-genuine interest like 'mintak la alamat and phone number' muncul. Dulu takde pulak nak tahu kan?

As long as I can remember, I become the mysterious member of the family, and I want to keep it that way. Is a bit too late to play close cousin kan sekarang? Plus, I really hate it when the family asked 'Ekau dah belaki ko?' 'Ekau ni memilih la..kito orang pempuan ni tak buleh nak ati bosa do...kek dapo gak poei eh'. And this came from someone who well traveled, open minded (kununnya) dan bertiltle 'Datin'. Cam hampeh aje.

Another Facebook story, this guy...yang suatu ketika dahulu perasan dirinya jejaka idaman Malaya. We were once close friend. Rajin Pakcik ni drive from Bukit Gasing to pick me up for late supper la, clubbing la. Takdenya romantic pun because I know that he is head over heal with someone massively pretty than me.I'm just the plain jane.Akulah selalu diteleponnya bila dia boring.

One day, we went to some Magazine launch tah apa benda aku tak ingat...and I fell ill. He was so concerned that dia boleh detour ni lalu kat Bukit D'sara nun, singggah 7-11, beli air badak untuk I. Heaven on earth sungguh, where else can you find a man, genuinely care for his female friend like that without any babi disebalik kueh tiaw. But I was wrong.So, so wrong.

Suffice say, dalam demam-demam, I was strong enough to not membiarkan my kelapa ditebuk tupai. Honestly I can't remember what happened but I recalled saying thanks and walk him to my front door. The next day, bila dah baik sikit, I realised what he was trying to do.No Kiah, he did not force himself but I think he just want to help himself dikala aku tak berdaya tu.

I am so confident that he malu besar pastu and he stop being very friendly. From other friends I heard that he reckoned that I was up to it. Maybe, dalam kekuciwaanku dengan my siamang masa tu, aku macam pompuan sundal aje ikut mana orang ajak pergi, he thought I was giving him signals. Puas aku dileter that kawanku, jangan free sangat nak layan-layan orang ni, nanti orang ingat you pompuan murahan lak....(ahhh..biarlah org kata apa org nak kata)

But, was it my fault though? takpelah..cerita lama.

So this is New Year. I really think I should get myself an address book. Ni tak, bila nak hantar barang aje, puaslah telepon sana-sini mintak address.So, to those yang ada email address I, sila hantar alamat surat menyurat dan nombor telipun dgn segera. I need to fill in my new address book.

New Year's Edge

This is my 360th post. For someone who write crap stuff, dah le tak de makna dan juga membanyak kan dosa sesiapa yang membaca, 360 post in space of 17 months kiranya boleh la I apply jadik stringer Sun Newspaper...yang berita-berita nya semua mengarut tu, but still, semua orang suka baca The Sun...sebabnya bila bukak aje page 3, maka melambak keluar buah susu yang kebanyakannya hanya plastik yang dipam-pam.

Sebagai wanita yang gigih (plus memang banyak kerja) I will be welcoming the new year from my opis...dikelilingi fail-fail, ubat-ubatan dan cekelat hadiah hari Xmas. Here I am feeling so blessed that I am away from the New Year crowd yang sebelum pergi party lagi dah setengah mabuk.I have JT and Kak katak TKC texting me (puaka tau Miss Nigeria, dipergi baginya nomor talipun ku kat Kak Katak itu...haruslah aku tukar ringing tone nya kepada Crazy Frog kan?) dengan ucapan-ucapan brengsek 'Your New Year is cooler than ours, you'll be drowned in Central London craziness' and 'Selamat Tahun Baru...Misti you celebrate gila dengan kawan-kawan u, tak apalah..asalkan my sayang is wif me..I'm the happiest woman'. What can I say...sukati kau lah. Ye lah, orang ada laki, flaunt lah kan..besok kalau dah tak berlaki barulah merasa dok diam-diam macam I ni.Nak marah kang, dikata dek orang I ni jealous. Alaaa...Makji tu bukan apa...jealous pasal dia takde laki. Ye la...apa aje lah.

Kak Katak visited me at my work place today. She have been leaving messages since last week, nak jumpa I. Miss Nigeria sums up that she actually wanted to see me as she keep on politely refusing Miss Nigeria's help. Okay lah...MB1 pesan kat I, you janganlah sesombong sangat dengan orang. Because the office is free with all the in patient semuanya dah gi balik ber Xmas & ber New Year, I asked her to come and see me today. Macam biasa, she asks questions and aku macam budak MRSM yang pintar, jawab la memana yang patut.

After a while, I feel like we are in a session where she talk and I listen. Her soalan become so panjang and unended. It is become clear that that she is projecting her frustration with her work, with her employer and what do you know, her life. Very interesting. I have to tell her that it is good that I listen because there is nothing to answer and suddenly Kak Katak become the real Katak...yakni bongkak and jobo (for you who don't know, JoBo is a word originated from N9 meaning kekwat)

Katak tu macam marah la konon nya, bila I told her, I feel that it is difficult for you to understand what you're doing now because your heart are not in it. She answered..dengar ni..'Of course I'm bloody interested, I'm doing the PHD'. Terperanjat Makji dengar word 'bloody' tu, very English manners kan?

You can still do something, without being whole hearted

Like what exactly?

Working, being married, being a mother

Just because I don't look after my child doesn't mean that I'm halfhearted mother (apsal yek, dia terasa?)

Why do you think that? I am only stating an example of doing things not wholeheartedly

And what made you think that people are not committed being a mother?

Because no one can. We tend to yearn after something else when we put our mind into one thing

You don't know for sure, no offend but you're not a mother yet, you can't know how mother feel (yelah..ni jelah yang aku dapat bila cakap bab-bab baby ni...ko tak paham nyah..ko takde anak..ceh!!)

Are we now talking about you and your role as a mother?

Katak diam. I pun diam. But I look straight into her eyes. My good god, why on earth are she being so defensive.

Macam ni lah...I don't know what you're going through but I do know, it is hard and for that, maybe,you're unconsciously unhappy

I am no where near emotional breakdown

I tak cakap you ada breakdown, I'm suggesting that you're quite unhappy and maybe you didn't realise

You like analysing people do you? (motip ko tukar tajuk Kak oii?)

You mean my work? I don't analyse people just people...people you see in here are emotionally damaged. We are paid to protect them and by that,I sometimes analysed behaviour because that is what I do and I do that for a reason, to safeguard their sanity. I'm sorry you feel that way.You feel that I'm intruding your emotional privacy. But you must know that emotional privacy can only be intrude if you allow it to be intruded.

Contoh? (hek eleh..nak contoh-contoh lak....)

When someone is unhappy, when he or she is emotionally unguarded, without them knowing will inadvertantly reacting the unusual way not normal to others.Ala..macam orang kalau hari-hari pok pek..tetiba satu hari diam macam batu, tak ke terperanjat orang sekeliling?

Am I over reacting? (apa!!!! awak kata saya over acting??? ala-ala Ogy kan)

I don't know. Do you think you're over reacting?

Maybe a little bit today. I ni penyabar orang nya (ye la nyehhh)

It is good that you react like that because you are aware that you're uncomfortable.

What do you mean?

I mean what I said.

I tak paham.

Well, you will. Have a thought. This is normal. We will react when it strike us unhappy or happy even. What you can't do is to deny how you feel.

I hate to say this, but you're wrong. There's nothing uncomfortable in my life at the moment.

Good for you.

*** Nothing uncomfortable ye? Yang tetiba panas tu...tetiba kata I critisise her as her mother too apa ke benda nya?****

Disebabkan I dapat banyak cekelat Xmas present (macam celaka kan aku, recycle hadiah kiranya) I bagilah Kak Katak ni sekotak celebration cekelat tu. I accompany her to Twickenham Station and tiba-tiba, Kak Katak said...'You tak put off kan hari ni? Can we still work together?

I don't know.

Happy New Year

Lari

'Saya amat menyesal menjadi Marina Chin dan menurut kata p*ki'

Ada budak umur 18 years old from Sarawak, lari dari rumah, nak ikut boifren katanya. Tup tup..hah, stranded kena jugak balik kepangkuan jalan. Ini lah bahana nya kalau berpikir ikut hati and ikut p*ki. Hamboii aku, kalau nak kutuk, tak sedar diri ni kenkadang pun berpikir ikut halatuju karipap jugak.

Bebudak muda sekarang ni tak macam kita (siapakah kita) dedolu. I for one, jangan kata nak lari ikut boifren (nak lari menda boifren pun jauh dimata masa tu) nak buat apa pun takut. If I can remember, idea nak lari dari rumah developed masa umur between 8 to 13 macam tu. Kena tegur sikit, nak lari. Kena cubit, nak lari. Tak dapat permission nak ikut kelas buat lawatan kesana kemari pun nak lari juga. Pendek kata, kalau hajat tak sampai aje nak lari...sedih kan?

But I think, being a Capricorn hence very practical, all intention perlu disertakan dengan plan-plan perdana like, kalau nak lari dari rumah

a) nak pergi mana ?
b) kalau lapar nak makan apa?
c) tau ke jalan kalau nak lari pun?
d) buatnya keluar aje pintu pagar, datang anjing garang, nak buat apa?

During my days as budak kecik, idea-idea mengarut nak lari dari rumah ni selalunya disokong kuat oleh cerita-cerita omputih or Indonesia yang mana, budak kecik yang lari will end up dikutip oleh orang kaya and kita akan dilayan oleh parents who never heard the existence of rotan lilin or rotan bulu ayam togel and cannot function their hands into giving penampar or cubitan semut api sakti yang membirukan kulit.

The reality is, orang kaya are far too busy working or bershopping to pick up runaway kids or they kids probably run away too. It is always anak orang kaya lari pada rumah because they are short of perhatian and anak orang tak berapa kaya macam I ni lari rumah sebab banyak benau perhatian from mak bapak.Mind you, the servant also play a big part spying for my parents...eg. mandi pukul berapa, dia dah buat homework ke belum...apa? dia sakat adik!!!! You'll be surprise to know macam manalah your parents boleh tau all this information bila they all tu at work, ni mustilah kerja perisik upahan kan? Celaka perisik upahan itu.

Plus you'll be thinking, anak orang kaya memanglah bangang...at that age, who need perhatian? We just need freedom to main basikal sampai maghrib without fear of kena kunci luar rumah kan? Ish..perhatian konon...

According to my mother, my little niece (she is now 9 years old) pernah membuat plan nak lari dari rumah (like mother, like daughter...mak dia pun pernah lari dari rumah tau..tapi setakat sampai kat kedai aje) Puncanya, she and her cousin brother (my nephew) bergaduh berebut the leap frog toys I bought for them (aku pun satu, cheap skate ya amat, beli satu suruh share main berdua) dalam bergaduhan tu their nenek a.k.a. my mother, terpaksa bagi that machine to the little boy, pasalnya sijantan tu kalau menangis satu kampung boleh bangun (also like his mother) maka si Kakak merajuk lah. Dalam merajuk tu, my mother saw her packing her school bag, siap packing pencil box, kaler pencil and air kotak ribena.(Motif tak bungkus baju?) My mother tanyalah, 'Kakak nak pergi mana?' Kakak cakap, nak lari. She told my mother her plan...that she will walk to the bus stop, naik bas and the bus will take her to my father's house in TTDI. (gigih tu, nak naik bus from Paroi Jaya ke KL nun) From there, she will ask her atuk to call her Ibu to pick her up.She also said that she packed her pencil case and colour set supaya si jantan tu takleh curik masa dia takde rumah.Tengok tu, dalam busy nak lari dari rumah, harus menten konsep kedekut tak nak share barang!!

My mother tanya lagi...'Kakak ada duit tak, nak naik bus kena ada duit'. She answered 'nanti atuk bayar'. My mother told us that she is so determine to run away, my mother had to call the police. Kakak changed her mind after being sweet talk by the police.

The policeman my mother contacted, according to my niece, telah menjanjikan macam-macam hadiah.Pasal tu tak jadi lari.Yang kena marah is her Mak Ngah in Twickenham. 'Lain kali kalau kau nak beli permainan untuk budak-budak ni, beli dua.Jangan beli satu, puas lah bebudak ni dek bergaduh'.

Macam mana tu, orang lain yang nak lari dari rumah, orang lain yang kena marah?



***Policeman is my eldest brother, kena suruh menyamar oleh my mother****

Tragedy 27th December

27th December.....many years ago, my 'Uwan' passed away. In a car. Ni cerita betul ni.Not in an accident or anything horrid/tragic.Just sakit jantung, but tragic la jugak...for my auntie and my young cousins who travelled together.I was 18 or 19 (maybe 18 because I've already in the UK when I'm 19) dengan tak cukup tido nya (pasal kami gi melompat katak kat Sheila Majid Ikhlas Concert at Stadium Negara...merasa sangat kan? Puas kitorang melompat katak tak hengat rumahtangga pastu alih-alih, duduk bersimpuh membaca yassin...contra sangat)

And today, masa aku berpoya-poya di Oriental City having my proper Xmas dinner dengan geng-geng sejati, my partner called to tell me that Benazir was assassinated.Sungguh la tragic nya...tak sempat pulak nak pose-pose muka serious Amitabh Bachan (kan BM?) sebab the moment Meehon Goreng and my teh tarik sampai, I terus melantak dengan lahapnya.This is when people said, yang mati biar mati and yang hidup, kena teruskan makan Meehon.Tak gitu?

I nak kesian lebih-lebih pun, I tak kenal dia.My mind can't help to wonder, she was okay living in exile tapi kerna dek passionate sangat dengan politikus/polikucing kat Pekistan nun, dah tau ramai yang akan berpanas bontot tak senang berak bila dia dah start mengempen nak jadik PM balik,Benazir went ahead out of the sun roof and tupppp!!! For her to last this long sungguhlah impressive nya, considering semuanya since era-era Nehru-Jinnah-Gandhi semuanya kalau tak mati meletup,mesti mati kena tembak.

Of course many will say, this people that people will die for the country but doing what exactly? I would normally have pity for those who had their hand dirty and later died, literally for the nation and the country. Macam abang-abang askar kan? Bawak senapang berat-berat...kalau mati pun, kerana bangsa dan negara gitu.Sebab memang betul-betul pun mati kerana negara...

We have one who despise the West and the Jews, recruit the poor young soul, equipped them with bomb and what have you...tapi si dia nya, duduk menyorok dalam gua without having to dodge bullet.Nampak gaya macam takut mati aje tapi berkobar-kobar nak wage war dengan kaffir gitu.Orang lain mati tak apa kan, Mr Bin Liner?

While we thought semua orang dah maju, masih ada yang nak jadik suicide bomber.Obviously setelah dijanji manis oleh tah sesapa pengecut, bunuh lah pompuan tu, pompuan tak leh jadik pemimpin so on so on.What do the suicide bombers get? Are we that stupid to take on all that human promises ?

We never know who are these suicide bombers. Siapa nama, mana rumah we will never know and I bet family pun tak nak ngaku. People like Abdul Rahman Limbung or Tok Janggut carved a story in the history book but suicide bomber will stay to pieces with all the debris together with the empty promises.

Why can't we be passionate about stuff while not be non-threatening to others? Or if they hated the politician so much, can't they do Lee Harvey Oswald, shoot and go one man show without subjecting other unsuspecting civillian yang tak berdosa to mati free bersama-sama?

The Real 'Boxing' Day

Today is the 26th. The boxing day. Dedolu kan...masa belum jejak kaki kat Elizabeth Vagina ni..ehehemmm..Regina ni, I dok tertanya-tanya, hapalah kejadahnya Boxing Day ni. Adalah ini hari yang di khaskan untuk bertumbuk? Taksub sangatkah orang UK ni dengan Muhammad Ali ke, Joe Frazier or tah sesapa lagi boxer-boxer dalam dunia ni sampai tak menyempat-nyempat habis aje Xmas, terus nak nangga/tengok boxing? Kenak/kenapa ya?

When I first came to England in 1992, barulah ku tahu apa kebenda Boxing Day tu. I was told that in the olden days (betul ke fakta ini, Hjh Leemah?) orang kaya kat England ni...kalau bagi diorang punya servants Xmas gift, harus berbondong-bondong berkotak-kotak lah banyak nya. Kaya lah kata kan...habis Xmas aje, you can see all servants go home with boxes yang penuh dengan hadiah. Tah ye tah tidak cerita tu. But masa I sampai,Boxing Day in Liverpool (LJM) tak le semeriah kat London ni...and when I moved to Sheffield, lagilah macam takde benda (or is it just me yang tak berduit sokmo nak bershopping mopping bagai ni)

In London, kedai bukak pukul 5 pagi (siapalah yang gigih nak bershopping tu) and you can see all sort of people beratur depan kedai. Heran I tau...selalunya kita dengar orang bersungut-sungut nak jadik miskin after spending all their money buying presents...tapi, macam mana duit boleh menjelma balik dalam pocket untuk dibuat perabis on Boxing Day? Ish..orang putih ni, selalu memang suka cakap they all tu takde duit...tapi dalam takde-takde duit, pub pub penuh manjang...and bila nak membeli beer berperisa air longkang tu ada pulak duit?

Well, my Xmas was great,considering yang I ni takdelah nak bersakan-sakan menyambut hari Xmas. I just like opening the presents. Seharian I macam ular sawa...I did not lift a finger. Orang itu lah yang memasak Xmas lunch (pasal I tak reti...tak kan lah I nak jamu dia meehon goreng...) I sticked to what I did best, mengemas rumah dan membasuh pinggan. I must warned you yang orang putih ni..tak suka basuh pinggan lepas makan. Lagi lama pinggan mangkuk tu duduk bermastautin dalam sink..lagi they all suka. Semenjak I dah pandai buat rumah F macam rumah sendiri (as in, makan tidur and buang air tak mintak kebenaran) I have always volunteer to do the washing up. Bukan apa you all...orang tu basuh pinggan cawan dia..main rendam..pastu dibiar kering dengan buih-buihnya sekali. Eeeeeeee.....tak kuasa aku nak pakai pinggan mangkuk tak berbilas dengan air bersih. Dia ingat kita ni bangsa Super Busa ke?

I dah tak larat nak tegur....semuanya jadik punca pergaduhan. So, kalau dah pandai nak duduk dengan orang putih, merasalah menahan hati. Sudah nya kalau nak puas hati, buatlah sendiri, kan, Makji Eton?

Orang tu suruh I tunggu makan dulu baru bukak hadiah, tapi I macam tak menyempat-nyempat pulak. Dia tanya kenapa I tak bagi Xmas card kat dia...I pun selambalah cakap...buat apa you nak I kasi you card pulak, kitakan dah dok sekali...mana ada orang bagi Xmas card sesama sendiri kan? Macam loyar buruk aje I bagi syarahan pepagi buta...I cakap, my father pun takde bagi card raya kat my mother. Last-last orang itu cakap..why don't you just cut the crap and say that you forget to buy me one...I'll forgive you. Eeeshhh..paksa-paksa pulak!!

But the whole thing is just a right smack on my face...and it is so obvious that I am just a ungrateful cow....

First, it was Xmas...orang tu punya celebration. Masa raya that day, dia suruh I balik KL supaya I boleh celebrate gila-gila katanya. Encouragement besar-besaran. Tapi bila time dia punya Xmas, aku bagi dia 2 presents aje..tu pun beli kat Marketplace Amazon.

2nd...orang tu, dah le Xmas nya tak berapa nak meriah sebabnya mak nya baru mati, the least I can do is to make things nicer. Ni tak....aku komplennnnnnnnnnnnnnn aje.

3rd, I got 5 presents. Antanya ialah pocket PC...orang tu prihatin semenjak dua menjak jadik troubleshooter ni, I selalu banyak appoinment and menjadik pelupa. The new gadget will help me to become super organise (cemanalah nak guna benda alah tu) and the CD's I specifically requested.

When I think about all this, I realised what a bitch I am. I puas sungguh mengumpat orang itu dalam blog ni...and orang tu did nothing but try to make me happy.

Keji kan I? What this day should be is..me in a boxing ring.....and become a punching bag.

(Tetapi percayalah kata-kata ku ini....perasaan bersalah ni hanyalah seketika.Bila si orang tu start balik menyakitkan hati I, maka mulalah aku akan start mengumpat dia balik)

Lets Be Un Merry, Shall We?

I thought very hard about updating this. I am very busy. So so busy. I was asked to travel on Xmas Eve. I was so lucky that I managed to get the last tube back. The Underground shut at 9.00 pm on Xmas Eve and take operate Lang sung on Xmas day. The usual scapegoat and the ever ‘never mind laa...I’ll do it’ me was running marathon in Terminal 4 and melompat masuk kedalam the Picadilly Line. Nasib baik ramai orang.

I know I have at least 4 or 5 presents under the Xmas fibre optic tahun lepas tree. I noticed that one was offended with my adopted lifestyle and ‘identity’ hence questioning my religious faith. Just because I sent Xmas card, buying Xmas presents and celebrate Xmas.

What can I say? If all these offends you, maka...janganlah masuk page ni lagi. Pergilah masuk blog Sinar Islam ke, where you can find all the fully clad tudungs girl, kissing the hand of their beloved husband looking guilty. The husband of course, muka macam bangga aje. Funnily enough, I kind of celebrate Xmas in Malaysia too, where our parents gave us money to buy presents for our neighbour. The last time I check, we are all still Muslims.

To all the staunch and devout Muslims who easily get offended over the littlest thing the non-Muslims did, Xmas is as the same as all the religious celebrations. I just happened to live in a non-Muslim country and I think, Malaysia (as much as the PAS wants) are not Muslim country too. Yes, we are the majority together with the rest that are minority, we hold the same rights.

I am not easily offended but I honestly cannot understand why people can get upset/annoyed over other peoples choices and start questioning their faith.

But, let me tell you what I like. I like to annoy annoyed people more. Let see what you think of this

I went to Xmas Carol Concert

Of course….I trade presents

I pulled crackers and ate traditional Xmas lunch, minus the binatang, as F, as you may now know is a vegetarian.Makan sayur aje aku…with Holland & Barrats pretend bacons

I finished a bottled of Lambrusco (this is the only wine I can handle…)

So let’s decide what is my identity shall we.

To all my friends, tak kira kat mana pun…especially to the one yang ber party anak beranak on Xmas Eve and the one yang tengah menggasak rumahnya yang berkulat, Merry Xmas.Jomlah kita ambik gambar beramai-ramai berposing Mary and the Baby Jesus pastu upload dalam blog ni, bagi orang tengok, nak tak?

Entry Mengarut Lepas Clubbing

I dread to think that I have made orang ini into a friends of Dorothy (female versions..kalau ada la) But if she is seriously considering, aku pun..apa lagi..kecik bakul Tesco...trolley 4 tayar ku persembahkan.

But her thoughts...her hormones talking (as she vehemently claimed) prompted me into thinking that there is a huge possibility that if you marry a wrong man or a ordinary man yang pada mula nya sebelum dapat, janji sungguh manis mengalahkan kuih taik itik (seriously, taik itik?) or 10 kilo gula but after a while, he is as good as biawak. Tapi, what good is biawak anyway? Selain daripada suka enterframe kat jalan-jalan kampung dan menakutkan orang-orang yang penakut cam aku ni, biawak jugalah khabarnya suka mencopet ayam-ayam ternakan orang kampung. I was told (tak tau lah benar ke idak) that the Indians eat biawak. If this true, bravo to you the great Indians...pupuskanlah biawak. Makan lah biawak. Mari kita hantar memorandum ke Perhilitan.Tak kuasa aku.But, do forgive my acid tongue if this is not true...I hate to think that I am capable of creating a racial disrespect here.

Listen..kalau nak dilayan macam Agung or at least macam Ketua Kampung...(kalau tak agung pun) look out for a gay man.Nescaya, compliments tak kan kurang, kau akan dilayan dengan penuh kasih sayang, although the disadvantage is that your laki will become the greatest critics (or nag) worst than your own mother and that be sure to share half of your perfume (and compact powder too). Of course, if you don't mind once in a while (or bebila perlu) your hubby pergi menghantar air kat jejantan murahan (matilaa aku kena belasah dengan gay man pasni) kat semak-semak tepi tasik kat Clapham Common ke, Hampstead apa ke nama tempat tu...or that tasik kat Cheras.

Kisah benar....my school friend, married a gay man. She knew it all along walaupun jantan ni tak ngaku. But her openmindness telah membuka kepala hotak jantan itu (not forgetting his trousers) supaya accepting himself as himself. In their 7 years marriage, she

1) Never had to resort to technique berkomunikasi secara telepathy bila inginkan hadiah hari jadi ke, hadiah anniversarry ke or apa-apa yang dia teringin nak makan. Her 'BangKak' (abangkakak) tahu aje bila nak menghiburkan hati bini nya without thinking that her bini meroyan ke or buang tebiat

2) Bila dia macam nak tumbang mengandung 6 bulan...her BangKak, denied her rights to travel to work on her own. She is no longer allowed to bawak kereta, bawak plastik bags and bawak handbag yang berat nya hanyalah 500 gm.Instead, her BangKak chaffeured her to work, supplied her with asam, Fillet O'Fish, cook breakfast and dinner and even dispatch lunch to her office. The only thing she ever do during her pregnancy is tukar baju, makan, berak and tidur aje. (Hish..rasa nak kawin lak dengan laki dia)

3) Bila dia macam nak mampos beranak...the aftermath of her labour was replace by a full package of expensive in house butler and spa treament. Her BangKak was at her side before and after, and takdelah nak pitam-pitam tengok darah or nak jadik camerman wannabe. Her BangKak held her all throughouts.After her ordeal, her BangKak calmly said...'Lepas ni, ikut you lah kalau you nak beranak lagi...tak sanggup I tengok you sakit macam tu'. Ohhh....

4) Of course, kalau dah dilayan cam ni..maka this lucky bitch (that what I call her) takde susah susah nak bela anak. She goes out whenever she wants to without having to think, siapalah nak babysit.

Meantime, using a reverse psychology on gay man usually works. She encouraged him to ber clubbing macam tak hengat donia (macam ada orang tu, yang malam raya haji, gi clubbing kat Leicester Sq, pastu tadi pagi kena tegur) ...and he rasa berdosa and he stayed at home being a lovely hubby. My friend also told me that they both sometimes check out the gay porn website and share a giggles and aspirations.

But, life is not perfect.And I truly believe that we have to respect and support each other and compromise. I don't think I can.Maybe a bit but not as much. Pasal tu la aku dok bergaduh aje sepanjang masa.

I wonder if any wives would suggest to their hubby

'Bang gi la clubbing' (walaupun hanya suggest-suggest ayam) and her hubby will dissapear macam kilat.

'Bang, saya relakan abang gi cari pompuan lain' (this is also to see how deep is the hubby love) and hubby, tanpa rasa bersalah terus google number telepon Nasha Aziz kan?

But Kiah, I am so flattered with your hint-hint.But we mustn't chew more than we can bite. Maafkan aku mematahkan hatimu (you have been warned kan?) but, if ever kau nak bagi notice 24 jam kat orang itu, contact lah aku ye?

What can I say, I'm just a very,very nice person!!!! (ayoyo)

Hatiku Yang Dingin...

We must accept the fact that kita ni semua memang suka drama-drama berunsur gossip or anything that can be catogorised as kelucahan melampau. Honestly, I takde mood nak update. Bila I nak update, I teringat kat orang ittew yang malas nak hapdate blog nya tapi tanpa segan silliew (boleh ka, silu jadik silliew...nak memondan punya pasal) mengerah diriku ini supaya hapdate blog dengan cerita-cerita sensasi untuk kepuasan dirinya ittew? Ciss kau bedebah!!! Adakah ini namanya keadilan? Boleh kah kita suruh orang lain update blognya tapi kita sendiri lebih rela tidur, makan karipap, main kucing dan memerintah laki keluar rumah gi cari donat?

What can I write about? I'm not seeing patient..pasalnya...kita semua dah break for Xmas...and I'm now concentrating on Crisis Management activities...sack orang tu..supervise orang ni...maki orang tu...hantar surat kat orang ni. Ditambah pulak dengan keadaan sejuk macam puaka. Dah pakai baju berlapis pun...rasa nak keras badan. Beli gloves, merasa bila sampai rumah hilang sebelah. Tak nak pitam? Nasib baik I ni bangsa chee kai murahan yang beli sarung tangan kat Tesco, so kalau hilang pun tak lah ghalat. Tapi tak ghalat pun, kalau satu dah £1.99, kalau hilang sepuluh kali...tak ke boleh balik Malaysia aku naik Air Asia? (Speaking of which...bila la Air Asia nak start ni...janji manis mu ke, Tony?)

I'm so busy.At the moment I am so thirsty and si Andrew masih belum muncul kat office I, walaupun telah ku hambat pergi kedai to buy me 2 bottles of Diet Coke.I have this big party kat Central London (yang di plan oleh Miss Nigeria yang kaki ronggeng tu) and now, I'm worried about what to wear. I got Xmas party at work tomorrow yang kalau boleh aku macam nak escape aje, tapi buatnya boss marah sebab 'this is important for business' kunun nya....habis, camne nak blah kan?

Things (presents) that I ordered from Amazon tak sesampai lagi...yang membuatkan hatiku gundah gulana...ni lah bahana nya buat order last minute. I keep getting chocolate for presents, which is not consistent with my aim to loose some weight...(sejuk-sejuk ni selera makan mengalahkan gajah liar)

Orang ittew desperate nak tahu apalah kejadahnya aku berpegang-pegang tangan, berpegang-pegang pinggang bagai...dengan si Gems itu (read gems, g not j...short for gemuk) Well, semenjak termetrai nya perjanjian dua hala antara aku dan dirinya...ni janji bukan sehidup semati or anything of that kind, but more to janji..kalau kau buat perangai Neng Yatimah ke, S Kadarisman ke, habislah peluang mu untuk menjadik kawanku Maybank. So JT happily agreed, although not in so many words, ye lah, aku pun buat perjanjian kan not in many words jugak...but he is behaving more normal now.Takdelah nak merayu-rayu. And, I can do with a male company and sadly, memang ni lah kerja aku sejak dulu bila hatiku kechiwa dengan siamang itu.

JT wanted to buy a winter jacket and mintaklah bantuan ku yang sahihnya buta fashion ini...but it is better a woman opinion than a man, so with my expertise (yang kukumpul dari menengok magazine-magazine lucah yang menunjukkan badan-badan jantan yang mampan) dapat lah dia 2 helai jacket yang membuatkan dia nampak macho and less boroi. We shopped in Guilford and masa nak balik, tengah-tengah I ber catwalk (harus tak nak kalah) and dia ber biawalk menuju kearah station, mulalah angin bertiup dengan kijam nya...(Kiah, you remember that Chris Vadham song...walau sekijam ini yang kau lakukan...) and we desperately have to hold on to each other dengan kijam nya. Tuhan ajelah yang maha tahu if JT dah mengambik kesempatan memegang pinggangku yang ala-ala muffin itu.

Yes, kami berpegang tangan...dia yang initiate and I am this baik hati tak nak memalukan dia dikhalayak matsalleh-matsalleh kat Guilford nun. We walk as we locked each other arm side by side sampai lah ke station...adalah dalam 300 metres aje adegan maksiat itu.

Itu aje. But after that, I feel so awkward...maklum lah..I kan gadis desa..tak biasa. He texted me later that night...mengucapkan terima kasih kerana kesudian ku membawak dia shopping and complimented my soft skin. Penipu sangatlah...bila masa dia rasa kulit ku yang gebbiew ini...kan ke aku berbalutan macam kuih gulung that day.

Jantan, kalau compliment pompuan, tak pernahnya lah yang ikhlas.Mesti ada elemen-elemen seksual kan...ada hajat lah tu.

Cold Sunday Update

Bila dah berumahtangga dengan omputih ni, walaupun rumahtangga kadang-kadang aman dan kadang-kadang berperang,dalam paksa rela...terpaksa jugaklah menyambut Krismas dengan sepenuh hati as in, bergolok bergadai membeli present even untuk orang yang kita tak suka tapi nak buat macam mana kan? Dah bersedara githoo....

I was given a list for me to start gift-hunting but busy me, managed to get out of acara penerokaan supermarket-supermarket untuk mencari hadiah by paying half of the cost and let the less busy one to berpening kepala mencari hadiah.For my own list (ni termasuk hadiah yang misti ku beli untuk F and untuk staff-staff kat opis I) what I did was to buy them online (aku beli barang 2nd hand pun orang tak kan tau) and get them delivered to my opis and pastu suruh orang lain balut. Well,what can I say...my penyalahgunaan kuasa dalam opis telah berlaku sekian lama and menunggu masa aje untuk direport kan kepada boss-boss besar.But for some reason, I know my sub ordinates will never betray me like that, nak nak pulak aku yang berabis duit belikan diorang tu hadiah...tak kan they all nak report kat HQ yang I paksa diorang beli wrapping paper,stamps and bungkus hadiah kot.Jahat lah kan?

Ikutkan busy nya, memang tak ter hupdate blog ni...walaupun banyak betul cerita sensasi...like berdating dengan JT sambil pegang-pegang tangan and pinggang bagai (wah!!!! boleh tahan gak gelenyor nya aku ni) Like others with laki and anak kecik, I have no good reason not to, walaupun work wise la ni, I have to split time between Croydon & Twickenham and really, nak ber Xmas party pun tak sempat!!!

But here I am, telling you some boring stuff about me wrapping a Xmas presents, MB's gallivanting to Amsterdam tapi tak ngajak I (puaka kan, Hjh Eton?) me having to be in 2 places in a day, Mohamad Al-Fayed somewhere ranting endlessly about his son & Princess D being the victim of Royal conspiracy...Jodie Foster is gay...Channel 4 showing a program about trying to turn the North Yorkshian into a devout Muslim and that Spice Girl is back in Concert (walaupun aku sampai sekarang having no joy to buy the ticket)

Nonetheless, amid being so occupied, I still think about Sam, the good thing...the bad one, the laugh and the tears (mine that is) I copied Anuar Zain song into my Ipod today and can't seems to stop repeating the same song...it says in its lyrics

'Meski bercinta kadang tak indah, tapi tuk buktikan kau yang terindah....'

That part is true, nothing is all nice in a relationship...tapi dah terbalik tertonggeng macam I ni pun masih nak membuktikan si cinabeng tu yang terindah...

Soheh gila kan I?

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Sometimes, it feels as if there is someone standing in your way at every turn.Is it just you? Maybe. May well be.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but many of us self-sabotage from time to time.Like moir, dah elok-elok happy (happy ke aku?) gatal,gatal,gatal gi melayan jantan nan sorang itu. Apa dah jadi sekarang?

I can't stop thinking about Sam.Siamang...eh..Sam.Nope, Siamang. I was fine (or maybe not..but manageable) since aku ditipunya untuk kali kedua 10 years ago.Hati patah...but you know, you just got to live with it.I was practically crying for 5 years (takdelah hari-hari..kalau tak buta dah) and I started to come out from my shell (shocked!) after that.

Si Mangkuk hayun itu macam mintak dikasihani ala-ala kucing lapar, and aku macam tak sabar-sabar nak menjadi tangan yang memberi. On my way back to opis today from Lowestoft, and thinking about him...I feel so disgusted with myself. Apa tak nya, dah puas ku kutuk dia dalam ini blog, dah puas ku memotivasi diri supaya jangan mengenang barang yang lepas and after been telling myself (and you) yang aku kenkonon nya dah moved on, tetiba pulak..hari ni, semalam and 2 hari lepas, I am feeling what I feel many many years ago when I was with him.

Although I macam bongkak gila cakap dengan you all yang I tak kan lah akan telepon dia, I can swear that tadi, masa meeting, hati and tangan macam digaru-garu je nak telepon jantan itu. Tapi, demi mempertahankan maruah ku (I really don't know what I mean by this) I didn't and the practical me (more like the kedekut nak mampus me) was thinking...janganlah sesekali kau menghabiskan duit bertelepon dengan jantan yang takde hasil tu.

See, is it true that our inner saboteur is activated when we feel strong emotions? If someone expects rejections and instead experiences joy and happiness, it conflicts with their repressed expectation, so becoming a saboteur is a way of dealing with that, and creating outcome that doesn't conflict with their beliefs. In other words, if we have a deep-seated negative believe that conflicts with positive experience, we sabotage our happiness in order to prove that our belief is true.

Is it just a fear of change perhaps? Like, kalau dia itu hilang dari ingatan ku, maka adakah aku ni dikira tak cool gitu? Make sense kah? I am this woman who was dumped, cheated and forlorn. Unconsciously, maybe I love the attention of being the victim of that heartless keparat.And if I move on and happy again with another person, maka there will be no more poor putus chenta Makji Esah. Can it be just that? Ish..buruk benarkah perangai ku?

I keep telling my patient that life is about choice. You are in control. You're sad if you want to be sad, you're lonely because you like to be alone and inadvertantly isolating yourself but here I am, contradicting my own words and behaving like a 'celaka'!!!

(Ermm..I have been teaching MB2 Malay words...she complaint that MB1 only taught her P words and obscenities, maka I pun ajar lah dia, 'when you're angry, you can say 'kau celaka' ..because it mean 'damn you'. She said to me one day that MB didn't bother to shower and I asked her to try it in Bahasa. She went 'Debab tidak mandi empat hari..busuk babi'. Well done!!! Semalam MB1 told me that MB2 told her off and uttered 'Stop behaving like a celaka'. I thought that was funny)

I knew from the start that making contact again with Siamang is not a good idea, but I really can't help myself.I know there will be no future, because I don't want it anymore...but I just can't live to wonder what might happen if I don't follow my heart. I followed my heart (my karipap more like, by the sound of it) and see what it does to me?

Kan senang kalau dia mampos terus...tak yah nak ingat-ingat lagi....(hamboii mulut ku)

Latest Blogging Assignment

Manal tagged me. I have in the past ignored 2 tag without even apologising. Some of the tag given susah nak buat...especially untuk yang bukan computer savvy cam I ni. I think this one is quite peasy nak buat, they gave you question, you jawab. Tu aje...so I pun buat lah.

1) Name of a person who made you laugh last night
Catherine Tate. ‘Gay??? What on earth are you insinuating...how veryyy dare youuuu’

2) What were you doing at 0800?
Today? At the opis...sorting out my things to do list and to check my message book

3) What were you doing 30mnts ago?
Sorting out repeat prescription request (masih kat opis ni...).

4) What happened to you in 2006?
Somewhere in West Sussex Registry office, signing legal paper with F!!!

5) What was the last thing you said out loud?
Today, at another unit, having a go at the Manager, ‘If you still want to have your job, you better start listening and start doing things’. Kejam tak? .

6) How many beverages did you have today?
A mug of coffee in the morning, made by Miss Nigeria and another mug of coffee when I return back to my unit, made by Andrew (my colleague).Macam mana tak berak batu, nyah?

7) What colour is your hairbrush?
A maroon brownish £3.99 sikat from Superdrugs

8) What was the last thing you paid for?
My Oyster Card (Travelcard All Zone) Renewal

9) Where were you last night?
In Twickenham (at opis)

10) What colour is your front door?
Office door, house door? Frankie’s front door is blue...

11) Where do you keep your change?
The copper will go into my tabung and the rest, stays in my purse sampai dia ghaib dengan sendirinya...

12) What's the weather like today?
Macam puaka.Cold, wet,cold..mulut berasap....cold!!!!

13) What's the best ice-cream flavour?
Anything with MINT on it

14) What excites you?
Computer games.....and Meehon goreng

15) Do you want to cut your hair?
I cut my hair short last Saturday

16) Are you over the age of 25?
This question is 10 years too late....

17) Do you talk a lot?
Only when I’m grumpy .

18) Do you watch the O.C?
Not really...I don’t really like corny stuff like that

19) Do you know anyone named Steven?
Miyak Seghawak tu ka? I got Stephen here (pronounced Steven) at work and a patient called Stephen too

20) Do you make up your own words?
My vocab is poor...so I’m likely to copy.

21) Are you a jealous person?
I don’t know....you have to go out with me to find out

22) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A'
3 boleh? Anne, Andrew, Aidan

23) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K'
JT’s real name is K...

24) Who's the first person on your received call list?
My boss....macam takde kerja lain nak memerintah-merintah aku!!

25) What does the last text message you received say?
Kitak boleh ka sik book parking motor kat Stansted Airport untuk kamek? (MB’s plea)

26) Do you chew on your straw?
No.

27) Do you have curly hair?
Only when it’s longer...

28) Where's the next place you're going to?
Lowestoft, Suffolk....for a assessment meeting

29) Who's the rudest person in your life?
My current partner.....(farkkk this..farkkkk that...)

30) What was the last thing you ate?
Peanut Butter Sandwich

31) Will you get married in the future?
If my partnership dissolved...maybe

32) What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks?
Kissing Of Jessica Stein (I owned the DVD since 2003, and I have been watching it since...bila rasa nak gelak).

33) Is there anyone you like right now?
My boss...tak tau lah kenapa..but I just heard that she is been made Operations Manager, so adakah ini bermakna aku akan naik pangkat juga?

34) When was the last time you did the dishes?
This morning....

35) Are you currently depressed?
Mildly maybe....I’m on tablet, what do I know!!!.

36) Did you cry today?
Almost

37) Why did you answer and post this?
Because I already ignored 2 tags, so I better do this...plus I’m very fond of the blogger who sent me this tag..siap dia!!!.

38) Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
Kiah,Kiah,Kiah,Kiah and Kiah. Sebab dia pemalas...boleh?

Siamang's Tale

Dear people, I must tell you that this is my 350th post. I really have to make a big deal out of this sebabnya, dalam kesibukan ku mengejar bus, mem blow dry rambut, bekerja, mengumpat or anything in my things to do list, I managed to wrestled 350 karangan yang takleh langsung dijadikan iktibar untuk umat Islam am nya or generasi muda/tua.Apatah lagi nak membimbing rakan sebaya.But nevertheless, I sungguh bangga dengan diri I sendiri. Although my contract stated my working hours is 37.5 hours weekly, yakni 7.5 hours daily, I hardly get off beyond 8 hours. Tu tak campur travelling, kena masuk secure unit and tengok CCTV, and bila dikira-kira, I have worked at least 10 days in a week dengan gaji yang sungguh chee put!!! While others may use anak or laki sebagai alasan tak nak update blog, I takde masa nak berak ni pun, sebolehnya cuba nak membuat post, walaupun adakalanya, post-post yang ku post (apa ayat ni?) sungguh tak memberi makna.

I agreed to tell of my writing relationship dengan siamang. Sekarang ni, we trade email on a regular basis, tapi yang betulnya, pakcik will reply to my mail secepat kilat. Kiah, might you wonder...adakah aku terlampau free or gatal kerna aku masih jugak nak menjejak kasih dengan dia. Takde kerja lain ke aku? But honestly, if this make sense, I feel that if I don't reply his email, one day I might regret for not doing so and I think, I am in a better frame of mind to be reconnected to him (adakah kerana anti depressant yang ku telan memalam tu?)

Like any other jilted lover, I really don't have expectation this time. He emailed, I answered.On my second email to him (bagi membalas 3 email nya...3 email dia, 1 email I...so takdelah nampak cam desperate kan?) I told him that I was in KL recently and saw him kat shopping complex pre war tu, Kiah. Of course, he is dissapointed pasal I tak tegur dia. Dah dekat macam tu.I told him that seeing him in the first place is not easy for me. Not easy as in, tak tergamak nak kupandang muka nya tu..bukan nya sebab nak parang dia ke apa) I remarked about his grey hair and his physique. He looks thin. (and sad)

Talking to him now is like talking to him years ago. We pussy foot around each other a lot. There's plenty things unsaid and terbuku dalam hati. My frustration with him years ago. My ex is very much like me. We don't tell each other the most important things. He may look like he didn't care but he did and I was the same. He is always a good writer and I will missed his letters more than him because he speaks with insight. In e-letters now, I can see how we started to tell things that we never said to each other. He speaks about his unsaid feelings and I tell him about the pain.

There is one email I didn't send because I was crying when I wrote it. I didn't realised after all this years that I am still emotional. Everything is vivid. I can feel my heart is broken.

He wants to speak to me. I told him that it is better not because after all these years, I have managed to leave him and placed him where he should be, my past. (and in my blog)

This time, Siamang only after my affirmation which I already confirmed. Masa mula-mula dia contact, aku macam sasau ingat dia nak menggatal kembali. I don't think it was his intention this time. He's sorry for the pain and he asked if there's ever anything he can do. Pelik pulak jantan ni...

Ada babi di sebalik kueh tiaw kah?