About Me

Saturday, January 05, 2008

On My Tod

36 year old man. Divorced. Emotionally dead. Once upon a time, he was a lawyer in the City. 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar MD. He had a breakdown and gave up work. He is now on the 'system' and on the mend.

Different from my usual users, he is conscious. Because of that, he is in denial. Ataupun bahasa kasarnya, tak nak mengaku dia sakit. I have been reading his case for 2 months before agreeing with my supervisor to take him on my list. I was anxious, because before all this, he is a lawyer. I am not an expert but being a law student once (and tak pass!!!) I have a substantial idea of what they are like.

They're passionate, they're defensive and they're not easily likeable but like pasta, once softened, they will go with anything.Curry sauce, bolognese...just name it.Even with just plain mayonnaise.But please if I may defend their character, it is not them...it is the job. The job requirement made them who they are.But believe me, although hardened, my lawyer friends, are mostly sensitive soul.Like this man.

7, 8 years ago, I started to feel that is something not right in me. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I want and why I do things. I hold several jobs, I go home and do all the mundane thing. There is nothing distinctive about it. I realised that I don't know myself at all.7,8 years ago, I don't think my soul exists.

The only thing that I remember in my past is the man that broke my heart.

I am not sure what I am trying to tell here. What is the similarity between this man and me. His attitude triggered something I certainly wish had never existed in me.

My supervisor said that it is culture. We believe in things that we somewhat realised is not true. But we just never challenged it. This still doesn't make sense.

When we got angry,we often think that others are all set to emotionally persecute us. We hated it when people disagree and did not empathy.Because we believe we got a good reason to get angry.

This man refused to admit that he is angry at himself. I must try to tell him that in order to see sense of our trouble, we must first understand what the trouble is. And the trouble is, he is so defensive.

We often read about people who hated their parents, simply because of some mistakes. We also read about politician or wannabe politician who hates the guts of the others who see things differently from them. And this is the same people who wants things to be better. How can it be better when emotionally, you feel attacked?

That is how I was (maybe still am) and that is why, it is hard to be happy.Because when you are, you will find a way to make yourself unhappy again.By choice.

Still doesn't make sense. I guess, what I am trying to say is that, if we are unhappy, it is because we allow ourselves to be. Like, marah kat laki tak nak beli roti canai pastu ugut nak jadi lesbian kan? There's always a choice of, beli aje lah sendiri or mintak belas kasihan kat kawan-kawan or, jangan makan sangat roti canai, nanti naik kolestrol.Bila debab, siapa yang susah hati? Kau jugak kan?

4 comments:

Manal said...

U havent totally moved on since that siamang is it? so much bitterment, disappointment at the back of your mind? and esp knowing now that siamang is "on the loose" of late?

I pon ade la jadi mangsa keadaan, those times when i was engulfed with this superficial inferiority complex that made me feel bad about meself hence the negation of what was awesome about meself, and so on...And i'm now like 5-7 years behind most normal girls in terms of commitment, kesedaran terhadap kecantikan diri n mcm2 lagi...

Mari la kita berkongsi kesah soka duka , after all, it's therapeutic innit, like in the AA circle gitewwww....

[danial][ma] said...

hej! wish you a happiest birthday! may you have many happy returns, great year ahead...

Lee Novotny said...

It's just destiny..you meet someone that reminds you of yourself..eloklah tu noh, belajar dari isi hati masing masing? :)

kadang kadang orang yang worry sebab takde benda nak di worry kan pun ado..leyy??

Adakah ittew pun sakit jiwa, Hjh Esah??? :)

p/s I guess deep within us, there must be something that is sort of "sakit jiwa", ye dok? sebab tu the power of prayers is great... in my opinion lah

:: cheezzy cheese :: said...

entry ko kali ni, buat aku betul2 brfikir seharian..