Unknown Secret?

Dengan berat hatinya, after bertangguh-tangguh, I telephoned my father to tell him myself (matilahhh..my sister emailed I, kau bagitau dia sendiri hahhhh...aku tak mau campur...) yang I postpone balik KL. Rasa guilty jugak because for the last 8 years, my younger sister ni selalu jadik mangsa as in 'shoot the messenger' from ayahanda ku itu everytime dia pass on my message kat orang tua tu, and this time, my sister tu dah serik katanya.Hantu betul my sister ni, kasut nak...buat kerja tak nak, but in my heart rasa macam tak adil lah pulak sebab, it is about time I call my father pun, pasalnya, dia dah complaint yang I ni jarang benar nak call dia (bukan hapa, tak suka dengar guilt trip dia tu)

I explained lah kat dia why...at the same time telling him how serious I was in planning to be there pasalnya flight ticket dah booked bagai...maka dia pun okay (I assumed, dia understand lah) Lagi satu info penting untuk you all, my father ni is so good at buat you rasa gerun in his messages to you via his messenger (selalunya adik beradik I lah...) as in you pikir dia akan bantai you habis-habis, but bila you dengan ketar-ketar nya pergi jumpa and cakap dengan dia, takdelah apa-apa pun...and you just start to think, haiyoo..tak ada benda pun, buat habis energy aje aku selama ni rasa takut-takut yang amat sangat.Punyalah influential nya...So, we all pun borak-borak lah (as in me answering his millions questions) and he suddenly asked, what do you do that is making you so busy that you hardly ever have time to see me? Mak oii...cam panah petir. Pom!!! Pom!!! I explained....he was bemused....I explained again....he asked questions, question, questions....and finally he said, I never knew that. Does your mother know?

As I was playing my pc games tadi, I baru lah terkenang yang I ni tak pernah bagitau my father hapa kerja yang I buat kat sini. In my head keep thinking because he never asked, and I know I have nothing much to tell him pasalnya my career la ni, I ni kiranya baru jadi buah cempedak diluar pagar...so, takdelah highly professional cam adik beradik I yang lain. But then, I think again, I was so quiet that I hardly ever talk about myself to him (not to mention how critical he can be)

Now I wonder, does my family know what am I doing now? Maybe they still think that I work closely with money because of my CIMA and B.ScE qualifications. At one time, ayahanda was dead against my skyhigh venture (tapi, marah-marah, tak cakap dengan I, marah kat orang lain, nasib lah kan?) and pastu, he went 'Kau ni nak jadi apa...when I was involved with Jaimie Aditya, Sarah Sechan, Nadia Hutagalung and that lot. And from there, I keep telling myself, look for a proper job...be in his good book (My father definition of proper is working 9-5 and ada office and every weekend menghadap dia, proper job lah tu)

I got the feeling that my sister (yang selalu jadik my orang suruhan tu) knew. Pasalnya, last year dia mintak advise pasal behaviour problem anak dia. My mother? I kind of suspect she knows too, pasalnya when she kemas my bilik last time I went home, she saw my books and commended. But my mother are ever so lovely, she will always 'asal kau selamat' kind of thing and pandai-pandai lah jaga diri. Once upon a time ago, my father's side of family ada jugak nak buat gempar suggesting to my father that my life in the UK ni is so 'mystery' and god knows what I do. Sial. Ikutkan hati, nak I cangkul aje kepala masing-masing tu, but as you grow older and naughty, human curiousity especially curiousity yang ber type macam my relatives ni mesti dilayan dengan jahatnya. That's is what I did.They more curious they get, the more I feed in to their stupid suspicion. Things work very direct with me, if you want to know, you ask. What ever the casualty arisen from dengar cakap orang mestilah ditanggung sendiri or diselesaikan dengan si pembawa berita itu. Betul tak?

I think my family has now resigned to the fact that I am not very good at keeping in touch. I know my sisters are all okay (kadang2 gatal buat purchase order nak kasut tu, handbag ni) my brothers are fine and my parents, god willing, are happy towards their old days ahead. I wish I can tell them that reason behind the irregular contact is that the more closer I get to them, the worst it feels. For those who live essentially alone, I bet that you're trying hard to detach because it is very,very painful to live on your own once you're attached.

I think my father was too occupied (or ill) to notice hence to say anything about my new career. I would have guess and expect that he might say something about having the talent.I'm so used to him being very critical and have lot of says, but this time, he is just asking about the educational side of it.I hope he is proud.