About Me

Sunday, March 25, 2007

This Accident Happens

Ever since I can remember, I am quite prone on causing injuries to men through their crotch.Ahhh, how can that be? The sound of it is unthinkable. The pemalu one like me (yes, I am) can have an effect on men Wembley Arena ? But believe me, it is true and I have a good memory of how many times, where the location was and the precise time. The last accident being last week, on my way home at Twickenham High Street. That poor bloke is my 6th mangsa. What does that make me then ? Man hitter ke?

Unlike a demure girl, I walk very fast and if you can't differentiate between berjalan kaki ala-ala Naomi Campbell or berlari-lari anak, I may say that I walk at the speed of berlari-lari emak. To me, zaman berjalan slow-slow sambil berpegangan tangan and bersangkutan lengan dengan boyfriends dah lama past dah...the last time I did that was at Subang Parade with my then boyfriend. Masa tu, donia pun tak hengat you all. Chenta maut punya pasal.

The disadvantages of jalan macam gajah ni (the fact that I am 5 ft 8 inch tall contributes to my walking speed) ialah my brake (yakni effect psikologi untuk memberhentikan perjalanan) does not function well. The worst bit of all is that I am so rabun that I can't hardly notice things around me at that speed and my long arms is flailing about as I walk away. How I cause them men injuries is by accidently whacking their 'abang' as they walk past me.So licentious kan?

My first ever 'crash' was at school, somewhere in the northern of Malaysia (I hate that school) I think I was one of the tallest girl and that made me so gawk among the other kids, together with the other 'mak you orang Indonesia' factor. I only hang out with few people and we hanged about at the secluded part of the school area and become gadis pingitan. We ( I lah ni) often get into a panic attack mode everytime we have to expose ourself in the busy area like dewan makan or the Koperasi Sekolah.When the anxiety level is high, mulalah physical movement pun kacau-bilau and all you can think off at that time is to dissapear from the crowd and you need to bergerak secepat mungkin. This poor Sains Tulin boy memang nasib tak baik was walking opposite me sambil memandang ke lain (pandang awek lah kot) and me, also pandang ke lain (truthfully? I was avoiding any count of eye contact, even with beruk) and to my surprise while Si Panjang (habis kantoi nama kat sekolah) jalan macam gajah ni tengah nak buat the great escape, tiba-tiba hayunan lengan and tangan with speed of 50 mph terus menghentam car park Mamat ni.Aduuuuhhhh....konekukeciwa sungguh lah dia masa tu.I still remember his face yang merah padam with the mixture of malu and nak menjerit. Well, I said sorry and dissapear and the next thing, the news of that freaky incident was all over my dorm. Alfian, if you're reading this (I don't think so) I'm so sorry and on that fateful day, I really hope that you are wearing thicker underwear. I hope there is no major damage and I do hope you are by now, are blessed with many,many kids with no problem to consummate your marriage. But if you are still bujang, silalah keep in touch ye...(I hope over the years, you dah tinggi and handsome and kaya)

I even did it on an aeroplane.I don't only whack their willy with my bare hand (haiyooo....macam Julius Caesar aje bunyi nya) I also inflicted men pain using shopping bag, umbrella, library books and latest weapon, my laptop bag. Even now, when I am older with extra amount of femininity (chewwahhhh) like jalan tak lah laju sangat, I still swerved dangerously towards men anu-anu.God helps that I have never got told off and I often got away with smile on my victims face.But I sincerely am sorry for all the crash,hurt and injuries that I have induced them to.

Well, I promise I will be more careful and will look and observe more.On the other hand, I wonder which bit that I tend to lashed at.I seems to remember 'it' being soft, spongy and that funny sensastion when you playing with a flat balloon, ahhh...ni kenalah belajar human (men) anatomy lagi ni...

HARAP MAAF.

P/S - I would like to wish Wan Zaleha Radzi (hamboiii..macam lah dia kenal aku) a happy birthday and many happy returns.

7 comments:

Montymelly said...

Hjh Esah oi, are you sure your hand or bag or whatever extension on you ni takde homing instinct to gentleman's crotch??? hehe.

I gelak gila sorang2 baca your entry..

Lee Novotny said...

Ye lah tuh!!! Accident katanya..more like memang samada nak kenakan jejantan ittew mahupun cuba nak cock-tease them like that, kan?? kan??? :P

p/s yes u ols, jln laju laju ni mmg amalan biasa kita dos skang...kalau bals Mesia, mesti mak moaning kalu ado org berjalan kat depan mak jln ala ala lenggang kangkong! heheheh lambat!!!

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Monty & Lee, tu lah tu.Either aku ni gatal (gila kon) or memang aku ni clumsy gila....

Tapi betul lah tu Lee, orang kat KL semuanya lenggang kangkung...tapi bila naik LRT macam beruk, tak nak bagi org keluar dulu, hapsal tu?

Lee Novotny said...

Hjh Esah, did u osl realise kita kat UK ni jah yang orang orangnya sopan santun naik bas beratur bagai..tapi kalau gi Continental Europe, diorang sker sgt jump queue...ada rasa macam kat Melesia dak?? Berebut rebut! Rude! Kat UK je yg sopan!

p/s Nok, u ols mmg gatal!! **oopss matilaa mak!

stephen said...

Speaking of aka Wan Zaleha, bapak kamek bulan lepas gi KL, Kat KLIA sia, nya mbak pulang KLIA Times, dalam publication ya, ada interview ngan Akak wan zaleha, siap ada gambar latest nya, kitak mok nanga ka? Kelak kamek snap2 gambar n attach to uols, apa e-mel kitak?? Mine is ngochun@gmail.com

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Steve, kamek maukkk...kacak ka gambar sidaknya? Nya berlaki org putih ria kan? Kitak buleh ka sik ngantar gambar ya kinek tok, kat email kamek hajah_esah@yahoo.com...mekasih ya.

Bapak kitak rindok sidaknya kah?

Belladonna said...

Hahahaha.. kemain lagik taktik mu ittew. Dalam rabun tu cam tetau je mana si anu-anu. Nanti akan ku implement jugak, hihihi