About Me

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Difficult Conversation

The bestest part of my work is when the end is near for every session that I am involve in. We will usually say our goodbye probably a week or two before the work ended.I have been seeing 3 people since November and by mid this month, we will be parting ways. I have good memories with this 3.One of them almost drive me crazy and another two, are the most difficult people to have a conversation with.Having working with them have now make me rethink about expanding my career in this field. I was talking to someone over dinner the other day and this person reads my palm.There's something about changing job that will change my life forever.There's also nothing fruity between me and F, malahan makin teruk.At first I don't think that will be true as we have been getting along very fine and we both realised this.But today,my last text was 'I hate you'.Bahagia apa kebenda tu? But that is a different story.Nantilah...bosan kan, asyik baca cerita I bergaduh aje.

One of the patient that I am seeing is a same age as me (of course she didn't know this, as manalah diorang boleh access personal info about me kan?) Reason for her referral to me is drug abuse,mild schidzophrenia, two of many.She have been in patient in WMUH for a while and is about to be discharge.In fact she have been discharged, I think, couple of weeks ago and because of that, makcik ni kenalah di refer kan ke out-of-hours respite service macam I ni.

How can I describe her? Apart from berketurunan chav gitu ( putih,sekolah tak tinggi,dok rumah council,perangai buruk) she is by far the most difficult person to have a communication with. I don't think the difficulties is because she is stupid.Well, she's not that intelligent but she can live with her wit.The hardest part in her difficulties is her anger towards her parents.After almost 10 weeks, she did not even manage to shift away 25% of her long standing embedded hatred to them.Obviously with her external cases (drug and alcohol abuse) is one of many excuses to escape what's really throbbing her.I tried listening,she's not telling.All I can hear is unstoppable anger and that is making our work very difficult.

We all know that we're meant to discuss problems like a rational adult, but what if an issue is too painful, or we are too emotional and conversation escalates to a row? You may get advise fro all kind of sources, mak bapak, kengkawan, magazine ariticles and all is about - talk about it. In the ideal world, people that you have problem with will accept your complaint and apologise and the situation will resolved.In reality, you are more likely to be met with tears, denials or cruel rebuffs. Before long, you're embroiled in an argument you didn't want to have, and the situations is worse than it was in the first place.

Being in my position one, cultural differences is something that we are just about to come across (since ramainya NHS patient yang datang dari 3rd world country or EEC or tah sapa-sapa lagi) and I can understand why problem with relative is one of the issue that they voluntarily choose to leave behind rather than to solve. I can understand why.We can't tell our parents that they are wrong in bringing us up.Nak mati? Talking back, you're lucky if they listen.You are most certain to get penampar out of many verbal and emotional abuse. Orang kita largely opted to run away and will brood about it as long as they can remember. After a while, I believe that this problem is no longer a cultural differences issue.Maybe a little but majority is to do when the person who have the issue. I think, in the end kita semua kalau nak hidup bahagia, terpaksalah beralah...dan makan hati sampai ke tua.As much as we were brought up to respect and worship them, parents are like most of us, adakalanya tak betul juga.That is where I finally get my peace from.By admitting that none of us is perfect.And before I start questioning the imperfections, I will first ask, is this what I really want or will this make me happy?

My tips for you (as I was trained to deal with this difficult species), the solution of all your communication difficulties is to recognise in advance who you're talking with and stick to your gun base on your observation of them. There's 5 type of communicator, and if you recognise this in them, use the tips.

a) The Emotional Wreck - Bila bawak berbincang, mulalah start 'Oh Dunia ni kejam, siapalah nak kat aku and out of nowhere, burst into tears
Solution: Take a walk or breathe calmly.It is less tempting to make a scene in public and being side by side, rather than face to face, levels up to perceived power imbalance.

b) The Diverter - 'Well, since you're bringing that up, what about your issues? Isn't that what we should really be discussing?'
Solution: Acknowledge their diversion like 'You're right, that's another important thing for us to discuss, so let's come to that in a minute.First, though,let's talk about the issue I was raising'. Haruslah dia akan terdiam.Orang macam ni, selalunya salah orang aje yang dia nampak.

c) The Stonewaller - They flatly refuse to have discussion or just walk away.
Solution: This is a sign that a relationship has serious problems.You first need to improve communication on smaller, day to day matters. When you do come to tackling the big issue, use softer start ups, macam..I nak mintak pendapat you, you ada masa nak borak-borak sikit tak.

d) The Aggressor - Nak cari gaduh dengan I ke?
Solution: Match their aggression, but aim it at different source. If they're shouting 'I can't beleive you are pressuring me again into starting a family!' Reply, 'I know, it is so unfair that I am getting older!'.This will mirror their aggression back to them, but deflect the issue.

e) The Bully - They use threats and bullying behaviour to get their way
Solution: Stand up to them.It's not reasonable to threaten the relationship everytime you're upset.If you're concern about something,let's talk about that directly.Sidestep their threats by asking them exactly what outcome they want from the issue being discussed.

By the way, which one are you?


Lee Novotny said...

Good article, nok..but so far, since mak ad-dinch masalah bagai, mak rasa mak dinch termasuk mana mana kategori..apart from teh time bila mak ado masalah kewangan...mak rasa mak yang Stonewaller tuh...mujur Avang berdepan dgn mak, kalau tak lagilah parah!

Ermmm.... u got that text??? How SELFISH was that??? By the way, I think you should only be a friend to F..not more than that..it'll just eaten you alive slowly, I think...*jgn marah naa?

makcik said...

han, i am one of them.. i was very2 angry that i could not talk about it. any keywords that reminds me of the problem will make me go nuts. but slowly i blog about it and i am able to talk about my issue... funny thing, i do think about you and the job that you do when i have one of those moment.. tho we didnt know each other , boleh? heh.

Han said...

Makcik, kita kena buat date ni....

Lee, I hate you tu, I yang hantar kat dia, voley? Kagum tak?

Lee Novotny said...

Han, ooo u ols yg hantar??? mak vangga!!! Kagumz!!! **matilaa scan sajork